I am BACK!

Hello again Island Guests, the resort has been closed for a far while but after doing some mental cleaning I am finally back again. To start off let’s discuss a bit what has been happening with me over the past few weeks. 

Identity Crisis

In real life I try to be more and more like my online persona, the cheerful pink bubbly me, which I actually consider to  be the truest version of myself. However there are several obstacles in my way to do this. These include my health, but also my family situation. I am an advocate of unconditional love, of being yourself to the fullest, love me for the geek I am and not for the normie socialite I on occasion pretend to be to make things easier and all. On my birthday and date of my last post my dad made a one minute telephone call to me to congratulate me on my birthday, but that he did not have any time to spend with me for the next month or so. He had no time for my birthday or for me, he had one day available to me but unfortunately that day I had made a solemn promise to a dear friend. Something important to that friend, something in the geeky nature. This friend has always been a devoted follower of my tabletop role plays but since his education had called him away on roleplay nights we never saw him anymore. Due to his social anxiety we could also not see that friend in social situations so we decided to host him one big group night, ages before my dad told me that was the only day he had available on my birthday. No matter how important things are to me, if I make a promise to a friend I stick by them, unless I am utterly unable to do so.  So I told my dad , that this date did not work out for me and that I promised to give my friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and who missed us dealy a geeky night centered around him.

This was not to my dad’s liking and he told me to stop thinking the geeky things are important, while he blew me off for his band pratice the day before he was available. This friday I would see him again finally and we could talk things out, something I desperately needed, his brother is giving this big Christmas party and he was supposed to show .. as his employee. It would be the only time my sister and I see him before christmas and New Year too. However he cancelled these plans because he could go to some snooty Jazz concert he preferred over seeing his own kids. The whole , christmas spirit along with the message of unconditional love and togetherness made me realise, that I did not have that. It broke me, perhaps I had to change perhaps my search for identity is misguided and I should just be who the wold wanted me to be, perhaps I did not matter.  All those happy families on the commercials are also perfectly normal. 

The toxicity of happiness

The season did not really help, mother is working with christmas, my sister is moving up north to celebrate at her boyfriend’s place. While I do not particularly mind being alone, the season of happiness emphasises that something was wrong with me. I am not looking for a romance, I am not looking for that sitting near a fireplace and carolling together. Yet the way the season portrays it is, that if you are even remotely loved, you’ll have to spend the holidays together or you are NOT loved. I am more likely than not, to spend Christmas day, and potentially boxing day alone. Something I do not inherently mind, but the tv is making it seems that that means I am unloved. Something I do mind.

November and December are enforcing this to the extreme and are causing me extreme discomfort. It’s the month where I choose to betray myself to gain that fake TV happiness or where I am Alienated even further than I already am. It’s a month of toxic happiness Bigotry and Commercialism try to suppress individuality . While I do have some people who’d want to celebrate Christmas with me.. it’s just something that isn’t happening this year, which is not bad .. but  it is made to be so. Even if I don’t have a merry christmas for perfectly valid reasons, the season depicts it as if it means I am unloved .. something am really vulnerable for right now. 

No Rest

While I keep struggling and can’t really find my footing until these dreadful days are over, there also is no safe space for me. My place is being cleared of asbestos which means that every week day from 7am to 4pm I have construction workers, chopping ot windows, woking on metal scaffolding, hopping on my balcony and shouting in front of my windows.. day in day out. I live in a seven floor studio, if I lay in bed they see me… they will comment on it. If I play a game they will shout at me that someone like me should not play games or just some other stuff. It created a constant state of anxiety and restlessness that completely broke me down. i did not want to be at home because of the noise, but I did not want to be n the city either because of all the enforced happiness. My best friend, seemed to be moving away from me (which in the end she did not but for the last two months it seemed like she would move a lot further away)  meaning she had little time to lunch and only had to look at houses further and further away from me. I could not go to here either like I used to. My most geeky friends turned very reclusive due to similar reactions to the holidays as me as well.. but instead of still ..kinda wanting love.. they just live through their avatars in their mmo’s .. meaning I could not hang out with them anymore either. No place was safe, no where could I catch my breath let alone reset my mind to begin blogging again.

Charlie

It all would change when I had a salon-day with my sister and mother. Mother tried to make a deeper effort to understand me and who I am at that day, we had deep talks and improved our bond, which wasn’t that bad to begin with..just a bit alien at times. Mother is somewhat classical and wanted to look normal in front of people, over the past few years she little by little came to accept that people can accept her while not being the standard either which led to us becoming closer. During the two days we were there we find out who we truly are and to stop filling in ideals that might play in each others heads. It was during this time if I could look over my sisters dog for the weekend. His name was Charlie, a toy poodle (it’s a real dog type not an actual toy )  that has a hint of something else in it’s blood. That was the weekend I really got some unconditional love from the little creature. The three days I could spend with it gave me a second wind, restored some of my ambitions and beliefs. My day with mom and my sister laid the groundwork and Charlie really helped me build the stairs I needed to crawl out my hole. Of course Charlie had to go home again after the weekend and I cried my eyes out after he left, but it felt like an emotional blokkade had finally left me.

A void in me had been sort of filled. A dormant side of me woke up and for the first time in quite a while, I felt alive and that the things I preach feel real again. Charlie gave me my voice back. Unfortunately since the dog is just Co-owned by my sister and a complicated situation there I am unsure if I can get Charlie to stay over that more oftenly, we bonded super well but I do not want to further that bond of those complications can take Charlie even further away. So while the happiness is fleeting  it is real nonetheless. It was enough to bring me back and ready myself for a new season. On Pinkie’s Paradise I can decide my own holidays, I can be the me I want, I do not have to be like those people on tv. I can finally relax again! So resort is back open boys girls and all you lovely non-binaries.
Welcome back and welcome back me!