Hey Island Guests, I am sorry for closing the island down for nearly an entire week but I was in rough shape. As you might know I try to make love and positivity an important element of this blog and I felt I could not bring that to the table. A talk shook my believes and destroyed something beautiful I sorta had..without having it… Now I wonder.. can strictly online based feelings.. of either love or friendship ever be real?
Only Real is Real!
A Covid-instigated-depression came and completely wiped me for a bit. Luckily I could chill with Animal Crossing while I dealt with my issues..but I got this seasonal switch energy drain alongside it.. so the past few days have been a bit hazy and sad. I am a weak person, healthwise so I am kind of scared for this virus.. which got me into conflict with one of my best friends. He wants me to use public transport, go with him to fun places where there are people… and basically do anything the doctor advises against. Me being a frail little person with a weak heart and damaged lungs… prefers to listen to the doctors. I told him we could hang out online and voice chat and such… and he told me that online bonds are never real you have to see someone face to face…. somehow that got stuck in my head…. and completely floored me… what in my life is real.
He then blamed me for thinking that I could sustain a friendship online. He did not want some “bug” to water down our friendship. I would happily travel to him to have dinners with him if he would not break all the Corona rules himself.. he keeps travel to friends all over the place, hugging them, being super close to everyone. It’s not like I blame him either, he is young and healthy and will not have a lot of trouble so I don’t disapprove of it.. just because he does it I can’t hang out with him or risk the 1 hour by public transport trip for two hours of company. I rather phone, chat or whatsapp… but he told me it all isn’t real. Plenty of people think like this and it kinda messed me up. Am I wasting my time looking for online friends? I wasn’t sure for a bit. I was still pretty sure that I made some valid friends…. then a series of unfortunate events put some cinder blocks on my feet and threw me into the deep end of the pool.
I am not a very passionate person, I love people to bits but always in a very platonic way. I haven’t had a major crush since 2016. Yet the past few months I suddenly felt happier than I ever did. My new online lifestyle suited me and I felt I connected to people. On youtube (as a viewer) on Twitter and even more “locally”..on my main hangout here! The were 3 separated people I had “feelings”for. Now I would not say I was completely smitten with any of these three (alleged) women but I just felt happy to interact. I would say they would more qualify as people I really wanted to be friends with and would not mind being more than friends with. The latter in a really weak sense of the word though. Youtube , Twitter and WordPress personalities don’t always have to align with how someone is so .. it felt like picking a Waifu that is a fictional character inside an anime.. Like two levels of fiction… Still it was a nice and innocent fantasy to have. It made me happy that I felt this again.
The youtube personality hit me hardest, you see an actual person. However what made me want to be her friend was the way she edits her videos. The first videos I watched of her where so perfect… like I would edit them in the exact same way and if I wondered why she missed a reference it would pop up a second later. She is a (inactive) Lolita youtuber that visited Japan and vlogged her adventures. Not too pretty (being too pretty is like a turn off to me.. if you look like a hollywood actor I am NOT gonna be attracted to you) but cute as a button, a mind similar like mine and she introduced me to some fascinating things I all really enjoy. Our mindsets are super compatible. I followed her and interacted with her on Twitter, again showing that we are mentally on the same page.
She’s straight so I knew it was never going to be more than friendship. She was going to play Animal Crossing and I hoped that one day we could play together…arrogant as I can be. Her channel doesn’t have that many followers (somewhere between 500 and 700 I think) so I thought there might be a chance. She explained she would only play with mutuals and actual friends though… which is fine and completely understandable. However this happened on the same day as the prior incident… so suddenly this happy bubble of “what if” popped for me. Again I completely understand her.. but the phrasing and timing felt like a gut punch.. reality can be a female dog.
Social Media Deception
Through this you tuber I got to know one of her friends on Twitter. Playing Dungeon and Dragons, quite pink, loving many tv shows I did. Again we talked a bit , though nothing to special, but hey interaction is interaction and it made me happy again. I learned stuff about them , got to show some support and we played a few of those “social media games” I normally tend to avoid..because hers looked like fun to me. Now that doesn’t mean I hate the other games.. but I don’t listen to music on my phone and most of the pictures I get on there are either of people’s pets or stuff I use for my blog.. so those “share the last” thingies I just don’t do. Tell about yourself in 3 vampires.. feels a lot more personal and interesting and doesn’t require me to break trust of other people or listen to music to fill a list.
Getting of topic here.. she was just someone I loved to interact with. Her low follower count, made me feel like .. I mattered.. in a way. Which is a bit of a deception.
Just because someone on YouTube or Twitter or WordPress doesn’t have a lot of followers doesn’t mean that they see you as an actual friend. Friendship is a subjective term and it’s important to keep this in mind. Just because Twitter says you follow someone and they acknowledge you doesn’t make them your friend yet. I am well aware of this and do not consider this person as a friend yet..but I felt there was friendship potential. However .. (I told you before I get really unlucky) around the same time I went through my crisis this person went to hers. It basically invalidated what happened before. A reset button of sorts was pressed. Other than me a few real friends reacted to messages and from the way you talk, you can tell I am just a follower. Both ways.. which i fine and again I do not really expect to get anything more out of it…yet it’s like you get new shoes. You proudly show them off to your friend and than all the other girls at the party take out their phones and show off complete new outfits. No matter how happy you are with your new shoes it pales in comparison. Social Media has all sorts of weird rules.. which aren’t true. People only care about you if they are mutuals is not true, because both the above appreciate my words they just choose to keep their Twitter feats as clean as possible. There are people that matter more to them or things they rather keep of their pages. In their own way they do appreciate and evaluate me… but just like those shoes.. due to having access to other dialogue it can all seem pale and empty.
Does that mean however that online friendship can’t be real? Because we always look at things from different angles? I do not think so. I have a few online friends who I actually think of a friends. I have a few people in my online D&D game that I think the world off, even though I haven’t seen any of them in person yet. There are some bonds that I made through role playing in video games that will last and I really hope to achieve that on WordPress as well. You know the “ lets talk in DM’s on Twitter” or add “me on discord” kind of friends. I am not there yet, though I do think I am beginning to know a few of you very well. I think I might have spotted some unspoken things about a few of you. I may be wrong..but I see patterns, I see when people act different than they usually do and that makes me feel that we are actually forming actual bonds. Some people begin to trust me and open up to me, others just ramble against me like it’s perfectly normal.. like in a way you would talk to a friend. So WordPress really does make me happy.
Yet because of the words of that friend, I began to worry. I began noticing the “dark things”. I see cliques forming. “Islands” as it were of a cluster of bloggers. For example there is the OWLS bloggers, but the clique is very centered at the original members. Than there is the Jon Spencer Gang, a lovely bunch but something I could not really connect to as our angles are to different. I feel to shallow or bubbly to fit in there. I feel like a sweet lolita with a pink sparkly pen.. writing among monk robed scholars writing with goose feather pens and east Indian ink there. The underachiever in the room. I felt really bad and could not mesh with the tone so I left his chat silently. There is also the Island of Lita, which tone wise I connect closer too but experience wise I am way behind. Anime is one of the things I care about but It’s one of the things I do spend less time with, simply because I don’t have a great set up to watch it as comfily as I can.. watch a movie on tv. I feel too inexperienced to follow their conversations most of the time. I also followed Hikari’s channel but it was heavily focused on Manga and I am just not that much into manga. Way less than I am into anime. Anime and Manga are a bit of a hassle for me to obtain and for the first one I do think the effort is worth it for the second not so much. I feel like I am adrift between islands. I am there and I am recognized.. but I am not sure if I belong.
It’s not like I am drowning in the open sea because I got a few bloggers that keep me adrift like pink floaties of happiness, giving me the idea that at least somewhere there is a land where I can make new friends. The thought kept me going and keeps me trying new things. Like SMILE-Force was a thing. (And still is going to be ) I got two sign ups ..though one still has to write me about it, and maybe that can be a springboard towards that sense of community. I love the support of some of the people here and the wisdom of some people here and again that keeps me strong enough not to throw in the towel. Yet I do realise that what I wish to achieve with this blog is a community.. people to talk with, to banter and just have fun. Writing does help me deal with stuff as well to clear my head as it were, yet I still feel like I am not good enough at it. This is for example why I never participate in the Jon Spencer Creator Showcase things anymore. I write because I have fun doing it.. not because I am proud of it. Let’s be honest if you actively follow me, you do so because my tone suits you or you like to read something that’s a bit different. I do not produce high quality journalist grade content..so if you are not following me already , I do not think Jon Spencer’s Showcase will convince you to do so.
Which brings me back to the whole adrift in the sea thing! Followers that stick to me, come from places like Irina’s I Drink and Watch Anime and sometimes from Megan’s A Geeky Gal. Along with some lesser active places. Now when I say followers, I don’t mean people who see a tag post and click follow this blog and not do anything about it ever again. I mean people who read and comment, people like Foovay, Iridium Eye (I would use your first names but I opted against it as people most likely will now know who I mean) Fred, Mallow and the likes. Of course if you actively read my blog ..and I have a fair bit of insight in who does and who doesn’t I’d count you amongst those people as well. .I just am not willing to guesstimate this by naming names. However I do notice that some of my articles get less views than they do likes. So I have a fair bit of courtesy followers as well. While a courtesy follow does add some air to my pink little floaties, it doesn’t bring me any closer to finding my island.
All in all I think there is some semblance of community there. Some people I would almost count as friends and for the most of you I would still love to get to know you better! I do think online bonds are real but like actual friendships it needs to be mutual! So I played with open cards here! Now that I am way to many words in I realise I never even talked about how my WordPress Crush crumbled. Well that one kind of faded away due my new realizations. I am pretty sure they are taken anyway. I realised that I don’t need a crush right now.. I have a goal to find my island and find the place where I belong. That means I can not be distracted by singular people! I should be the me who I was… the one that says…. Remember I love you all, keep smiling and stay positive! Thank you for being my pink floaties!