Hello Island Guests! It’s time to get up close and personal with me in this post! Today I will deal with those awkward situations in life that come with being me.. when flirting! I am so bad at it..that I might even have developed a super power. I can negate sexiness.. or even sex.. not even just myself! For this achievement my group has awarded me the title of “Group Panda”. In Dutch there is also something called Panda-Points.. which is a score you get for not having sex for extended periods of time. I racked up quite a few! Laugh at and with me today while we look at the awkwardness that is flirting.
Why do we Flirt?
First of all let me begin with a small rant on the stupid idea behind flirting. Like we flirt to show interest in a potential partner.Yet it is really awkward! If a girl likes a guy… she has to play with her hair and smile at him to give off a signal. Sometimes girls even start feeling each other up a bit.. or kissing each other teasingly to warm a guy up to them. HOW?! Why?! With my motor skills being limited motor skills for example I can’t wink with my left eye.. which we all know is the sexiest eye to wink with if I try I look more like I am having a seizure. Then if I wink at the wrong girl a guy will come over angry and say.. are you looking at my Girlfriend. I get in trouble as I explain that she moved her hair while looking at me. Her hair was in front of her eyes.. he says! Now I have to flee! Why can’t we use clear signals! Like a bracelet you wear in a pub, taken, available or not looking. Then maybe a colour pink if you are looking for a girl, blue if you’re wanting to hook up with a guy and purple if you will go for either and military green if you prefer Attack Helicopters. Everyone can understand that! Or we could just wear signs! Or make an app where we check in and you can check our status!
But Noooooo! Even if we manage to convey those visual cues then it even gets more complicated because . then you need an opening line or have someone open a conversation against you. Guys walked up to me to flirt because I had an itch behind my ear or because I was trying to read text on their shirt. What do you say when someone comes over and asks “Hey have you seen something pretty today yet, cause I sure have”. I can go like “Sure I watched Promare today that had nice visuals” but normally that will not end well. I could go like “sorry I am not interested in guys” yet then I assume he is interested in me! That seems SO arrogant. Maybe he just wants to make small talk.. those people ARE out there. Maybe he is really nice as a person and shutting him off like that is rude. Why do we need an original catchphrase? People told me the weirdest thing and I have tried some odd lines on girls.
Why is “Hi , I am interested in you visually, I would like to see if we match mentally as well, are you up for a conversation’ weirder to say than… “Girl you might be cosplayed as an Eevee right now.. but when I am done with you you will be an Umbreon.. cause I am going to level you all night long”. “Be Original” to win over my heart?! That is just some weird ass gatekeeping. To show interest in a girl I can’t show interest.. no instead I have to be clever?! Then why most girls end up with such idiotic guys?! Luckily I am a girl into girls so there is a 50/50 of having to be the one initiating.. but this seems like a weird way to deal with things regardless. I have been rejected by a girl for not using a line and instead just saying hi! I am to weird for opening lines you know!
The Awkwardness Dance
I don’t like going to pick-up bars.. you know that place where girls go to pick up girls or guys go to pick up guys. I am not going out to pick up a girl.. I want to go out just to go out.. but apparently.. you have to go out to “pull sum birds” as Geordie Shore calls it. So when my single friends go out with me.. usually they flock away leaving me behind. So then you have to look around and see if there is someone you can make contact with. Well I live in a small town here.. most girls don’t follow my way and if they do, I might not give off that vibe as I prefer to act feminine if at all possible. Dress that way as well. I feel like a cow at an auction..looking to purchase another cow. Once you have acquired a target you have to go to so many steps that can fail. First you gotta look appealing and get their attention. Now the one time I bought a girl a drink to get her attention I raised my glass to her and hit the booze rack on the bar, breaking my glass and getting myself covered in drink! Safe to say.. she did not really want anything for my attention afterwards. I am physically awkward so okay no physical flirting.
There were a few times that a girl actually approached me, usually at a Con or at a party of a friend or something.For example one time my friend gave a movie party, and I knew the answers because I was a big movie buff and a geek. One girl did not need answers to a quiz but came over under the guise of needing that..as others did as well. She began asking me about movie related things and I helped her.. just like I helped everyone else.. she was apparently giving heavy signals but since she packaged it cleverly I just assumed she just wanted my help. Eventually since I reacted so dryly to everything she believed I had no interest.. but I only found out she was interested when I was told. Why do we flirt so secretively?! Had she asked, so who do you usually go to the movies with?! Boyfriend , girlfriend?! I might have been cued in but no! To flirt you gotta be vague! Then when you do notice the flirting you start this weird game of doing flirts back and forth.
The con girl was a good example. She came and said a flirty line to me. My friend was flirting with the Bubble Tea girl and left me alone for a bit when a girl approached me and said.. guys right?! In a flirty way.. so I said “that’s why I stick to girls” she agreed but did not notice my hair flip. So I launched a flirty line at her, aimed at her cosplay.. She took it too seriously and began rambling on about the series. She flirted again, and I flirted back.. but neither could bend that into going to do something together.. it was like we were dancing together but none of us really led so we just stood there and threw invitations to move further at each other until both our respective friend groups came to collect us for our next activity. I searched for her later but could not find her anymore! Now I am not even sure if she was interested still despite the heavy flirting I still think.. perhaps I just misunderstood and that is why she did not ask me to go have a drink with her.. she approached me with a flirty line so I assumed she wanted to ask me for a drink?! You should let hunters hunt right?! I really don’t get it. I am pretty sure we “danced” but it was not very effective!
Trying to Flirt
The few times I tried to flirt were even more awkward. I am not very sexual so .. the sexy flirting, isn’t really a thing I do. I am utterly and completely unable to tell if people are sexually interested in me, or when they want to get physical. I have no idea on how to tell that. I don’t tend to think that way so usually I have to flirt with humor or cleverness. This often results in me doing the “Pokedex” as I call it. In which case I see a girl do something and I “flirt” by telling her about it. “Did you know that a bowl of peanuts blabla bla” it’s super awkward. This is why I prefer to flirt at conventions..at least you know you can talk about an anime or a game and it will invoke a reaction.In the pub I once saw a girl talk about the fact that Japanese had women on pillows you could hug and I went to her and said. Oh that is a Dakimakura. That conversation did not last long either. The pokédex rarely works and since I have such an odd sense of humor I strike out with that as well. I once even made a dead baby joke to a girl in order to win her attention… If I had a dunce cap I’d wear it right now!
Approaching girls is not for me, yet reading interest in me is hard as well.. so I once came up with a strategy I learned during German class. We had to listen to an audio cassette and tell what the german girl was saying. She was a skeeler girl who flirted with boys by throwing herself on the ground in front of cute boys! If they helped her up she would offer them a drink if they walked past she knew they weren’t worthy of her or interested. I believe in the helpful nature of people and I thought that would be cute! I could offer them a drink and we could chat about my fall and then about the drink so we would have plenty to talk about. So one time I tossed myself on the ground in front of a girl. I landed quite poorly and knocked all the breath out of my lungs.Nearly had an ambulance called as I could barely breathe from pain. She did help me up and asked if I was alright but I was so winded I could not speak. Too much time passed and she waved my friends over to come take care of me and that I was in pain. I later thanked her for helping me but could not start a conversation!
Another story is how my friends tried to make me flirt. So they got me very drunk on shots. So I felt bold and dared to speak to girls. I am terrified of speaking first.. due to me speaking up for myself in the past and being bullied out of my entire life for about 5 horrible years. I think way too much on what I should say or if it holds any value! Yet my friends were sure that very drunk Pinkie could flirt. Very drunk Pinkie does basically everything for a bet. People can pay me a few Euros and I will talk to everyone to win! However very drunk Pinkie goes from Greysexual to Asexual. From I would love to cuddle and hug.. to.. I dare to talk to you because I am drunk but I want nothing from you now! Drunk Pinkie is a loner. So while I do end up talking to girls , I talk about Mario Kart or Pokémon.. I am very passionate about my stories but I can’t flirt anymore! Even if girls like me and I like them .. drunk Pinkie.. mostly likes Mario Kart and Pokémon…. usually the day after I do crave for some companionship.. but drunk Pinkie doesn’t know how to flirt so she just doesn’t do it. Even if friends whisper in my ears what drunk me should say it doesn’t work as she lacks any intention to wrinkle sheets with people and just says it very wholesomely and friendly. I have made new friends like this but never landed a flirt.
I do not get the act of flirting! I feel awkward and it is not a nice way to have a conversation. It is as if a normal conversation with a friend feels like a chemical reaction. They add something and suddenly something bubbles up in my brain to talk about. Our DnD adventures, series we saw, anime characters, game characters. I am passionate about being geeky but I don’t like a lot of the mundane stuff. I am not into music, I am not into politics, I am not into trends. This makes small talk a bit harder but not impossible.. however when you add the act of flirting to it. it feels like conversations are one of those old timy cars you had to get started with this winge thing! Or a lawn mower with one of those pull cord things! I never can get those things fired up! Neither can I maintain flirty conversation. Yet my power goes beyond that I did not receive my Panda powers for nothing.
One time I went on a Holiday with friends. To the island of Mallorca , Spain. There you have a few vacation zones, The Dutch and German zones of El Arenal and the predominantly British visited Magaluf. British people have a reputation and one of my friends really wanted a vacation that meant pants pleasures. I figured I could entertain myself with my 3ds , a book and the drinks and the beach anyway so I agreed. Yet unlike my friend one night for Arceus knows what reason.. it looked like I would get lucky. Mind you.. this is a place where people looked at the clock and said to total strangers. “Hi It’s 2AM I see you haven’t found anyone to fuck yet..wanna go back to my room?” That sort of technique worked there.. so getting lucky is barely an achievement there. I met a really pretty girl who was heavily into me and pink and I figured. You only live ones.. let’s see where this will go
. So she took me to the dance floor and we had a dance together…she whispered sweet things in my ear and invited me to her hotel to spend the night. I normally am not inclined to do such things but since my friend constantly bailed on me.. I figured.. might as well see this through.. but then I looked at the girl and I wondered. Was her skin always that green?! I took her outside to get her some fresh air and she looked a lot better soon after. She then looked at my shoes. She said I had nice shoes.. and then… they were not so nice anymore. The girl got sicker and sicker. I washed up at one of those beach showers and delivered the girl to her hotel and went home to have a proper shower. At least the girl lost a lot of weight I would judge given how intense our trip to her hotel was.
Another time I went internet dating. I can flirt a bit more and I at least know their intention when they talk to me! So I met a girl who I very much clicked with. She was a geek as well.. a bit soft core but geeky enough as well. We would eventually meet for a date but as I was traveling towards her we had a huge train black-out! I could no longer make it to the date and we postponed. The second time we actually had a date and went to eat sushi. It was nice and we matched very well. We were hinting at each other that we would be open for seeing each other more and kind of asking each other if we could end the date with a kiss. Or if we would be up for that at least. Then a very nervous waiter came to tell us that dinner was on the house.. they might have served a bad batch of squid that was mislabeled… we both had a lot of the squid sushi. I am not sure how my most successful flirting stories end up in the same way… but we felt SO horrible after that the association with each other was too weird to date from there on out. Before we could get over it she got offered a job abroad as well so she left for a long time and we just lost touch.
Then there was this girl who I met who wanted to do soft Yuri Cosplay act with me..she was into girls and wanted to do a cosplay act of Sylveon and Glaceon.. where Sylveon thawed out Glaceon’s icey heart. I only recently discovered I was into girls and she was into both.. but she was so pretty! The act made me fall head over heels for her. I had to pretend being in love.. but I ended up falling in love through fake flirting. She seemed into it too. Then one day when I planned to make my move during our rehearsal..she told me she wanted to replace me in the act. My awkward movement might cause trouble. I cried and confessed I have fallen for her and she told me she decided she would rather be with a boy instead as it would leave a better impression if I had made my move just one rehearsal before.. it might have been different.. she just had a realisation now.. so she was glad I did not act earlier because then she would have to break my heart and now she could let me down a bit easier.
So the flirt I fell for hardest was script and I ended up being written out! I guess that was the universe telling me that this is not meant for me! Don’t mistake that for me not believing in love.. because I do.. I just have to find a girl that one day finds me and tells me she has feelings for me! I should not actively pursue this thing because Divine intervention will strike down that ambition! Why do we even have to flirt?! My ideal girl won’t flirt with me! She will just tell me.. Okay.. so I know you will not be able to tell so here is the deal “Pinkie I like you”!
Until that day I have my 47 cats and oddly enough that is fine for me for now!
And that includes my stories with flirting?! Can you flirt yourself?! Are you as baffled at it as me?! What is the best way to flirt?! Have you been flirting with me and I have not noticed?!
What are some of the most awkward opening lines you used or have been used on you?!
There is so much fun you could leave for me in the comments so surprise me! If you don’t want to leave a comment but do want to leave a Suprise you can always support my Kofi and become a coconut! With the big move coming up any donations will go to setting up my new place and keeping the blog going when money will be a bit tighter.