Bloodless Bollsheviks and Soulless Suckers! Boll’s Best BloodRayne! Third Reich Review!

Hello Island Guests! I have done it! I have made my way through all the BloodRayne movies! The third movie was a surprising experience! Not only are the rules of vampirism redefined in the same franchise once again …and even in the movie.. but this movie actually dare I say it offers a somewhat okay story. Could it be there is hope for Mister Boll?!

Third Time’s the Charm

Mister Boll, while on average a horrible movie maker and possibly a worse person, actually managed to craft something that is eligible for the title movie this time. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that the writing this time mostly comes from Michael..who is mostly known for doing stuff for Uwe Boll movies! The BloodRayne movies that came before were just a few action scenes linked together, with some softcore porn, convenient exposition and  horrible camera transitions. I am glad to inform you that this time we have an actual story that moves from A to B and the scenes in between only have two of the three usual filler bits. The movie actually uses Rayne’s unique nature to give us a new type of antagonist that feels like we actually scale things up for a sequel and the plans of the bad guys as a result more or less make sense! Whoop Whoop! That is how you do it Mister Boll.

Rayne works with the Bolsheviks in this movie, not that you would know as they aren’t even named that except for an insult once. Never is the location disclosed either. It’s “somewhere in europe” but given that there seem to be concentration camps in the neighbourhood so I guess it is set in Poland?! Rayne rescues some jews from the train but in doing so she accidentally infects an SS officer with her blood. She feeds on him as well. This results in him becoming a Vampire and not a Dhampir  that can walk in the sunlight. His Lieutenant and a crazy scientist investigate and decide. They discover Rayne’s blood is a source of power and want to obtain more of it so they can turn Hitler immortal! However the vampirified commandant spirals more and more out of control himself.  Wow that’s like TWO things happening at once! Good Job Mister Boll!

The commandant has no name by the way.. if you read the box art he is named Ekart Brand but he is never named in the movie itself, nor does he have a name on the credits. Same goes for the evil doctor and the lieutenant. This movie .. got adapted into Uwe Boll’s Horror Comedy.. Blubberella.. which is basically the exact same story but Dhampir is now half vampire,  and the main character is fat. Every other person except for some actual prostitutes Boll hired for BloodRayne  are cast in the same roll! Only in Blubberalla Hitler has been recast. Uwe Boll wanted to play him himself.  So.. oddly enough if you want to see a more offensive version of this movie with characters named Slutlana.. you have an option here!  Also it’s weird that Uwe Boll Plagiarized himself… BloodRayne 3 is the better version of the two though… so hey.. when you watched the best version of this story if you watch this one as well! That is smart mister Boll.. Also that’s kind of disgusting that you rehash your own plot for a fat joke!

When it’s  Rayne it’s poor!

While the movie is competently written , I did find this the most poorly acted one out of the lot.  Rayne and the Doctor who have the most screen time are HORRIBLE actors in this movie. Nathassia Malte does such a poor job in this movie, her lines are very wooden and her acting is very apathetic. There is no emotion at all. Maybe a bit  in her sex scenes but when she is supposed to be concerned… well .. let’s just say I was happy there was an actual story to follow! The acting Rayne does isn’t bad in the Tommy Wisseau way. Where Johnny feels like an Alien’s interpretation of a human Rayne here feels like an actor that isn’t really trying. The “this is for a paycheck” acting. Which extends to most of the main cast. The best acting comes from characters like “prostitute”  or Magda. The first may or may not be an actual prostitute as Uwe Boll has more than once done this, and the second is this blond decoder lady. Who allegedly decrypted the decoder. The latter has to mostly play acting upon acting and she can get away with some cheesiness. The first gets turned into a vampire (as does Magda later on)  and both go very  hammy in all their acting.. but it seems fun! Good job on casting them mister Boll! Boo for Nathassia though. I have to say .. she sucks!

Where Natassia Malte is the queen of coasting, Doctor played by Clint Howard is the king of “that’s not how you say that”.  His delivery seems off! Not in the funny way either. Part of it is because of how the doctor is written. He is one of those “cartoon” mad scientists. However those are on screen way less than one in a movie. That level of energy is not something you can keep up for 75 minutes (as that’s the length of this movie give or take minus credits). There is a difference between a cartoon and a real character. Clint Howard doesn’t commit to one and he switches between cartoony energy and more grounded character and that makes him stick out like a sore thumb. It’s not like he is god-awful.. or well maybe he is but I’ve seen worse. I feel more like he is a capable man but the director should have said.. “let’s try that with one more take, it’s very close but maybe a  bit less/more cartoony here”. As a result this movie at times gave me Ed Wood vibes. Where Ed did not have money for reshoots I guess Uwe did not have the talent for reshoots!  However I do really love Ed Wood movies so making me feel that way is not that bad! At least I had a pleasant experience. Much better than BloodRayne 2! Much better than BloodRayne 1 and much better than Postal. If we establish Uwe Boll movies as a genre .. it might actually be good within those confines.

Deja Vu

This movie unfortunately has some trouble escaping some of the mistakes the earlier BloodRayne movies made. The biggest one is the fact that Vampire lore is very weirdly established. Rayne is a Dhampir born of human and vampire, however her blood seems to turn people into vampires. However her blood allows vampires to walk in the sun. So while Rayne is a half vampire.. her blood makes full vampires, people she creates by feeding them her blood turns them into day walkers.. but if those day walkers create a vampire.. not all of them are daywalkers. Some inherit Commandant’s strengths but to varying degrees. Some go insanely evil others retain their dominant personality. Some get taken down by gunfire others need to be staked. It once again feels like vampirism is a bit of an afterthought.. which is weird because it is a big part of the story. Silver from the last movie doesn’t work anymore and thank Arceus that bullets that were next to cloves of garlic don’t work any longer.

The weird cuts in scenes also appear again. Nothing as bad as  the second movie but a few scenes are really cut short, I could count two or three where it really feels like they cut a scene directly after a sentence which felt a bit jarring. There are also a few fade to black cuts when Uwe Boll was really clueless on where to go. Again making it feel more like a hobby flick than made by a professional. The camera quality is a lot better. Having the ability to make a lot of daytime shots really helped with the image quality.  We get no shaky camera shots and it feels fairly obvious this movie had a larger budget than the previous one. I don’t feel like a porn cue is about to chime in as soon as a female character wanders onto the screen… which is funny because this movie dials depicting women as whores up quite a bit.

Every woman in this movie is a prostitute or acts like one! This leads to the most hillarious and inappropriate sexscene ever.  Rayne earlier in the movie had sex with a female prostitute indicating she might be into women.. but she gets captured and drained of almost all her blood. When she wakes up she is on a prisoner transport .. towards the Fuhrer.. her love interest got beaten mercilessly and woke up just a little before that… as soon as they see each other.. while being captives.. they just start going at it like rabbits. It’s so Uwe Boll to do this and it’s horrible but at the same time.. it would not be Uwe Boll without it! Thank you mister Boll for staying true to yourself. 

For a movie made by a man with no talent we get an entertaining trainwreck. The blood effects that make no sense from the first movie are back!  Most of the times people just yell ugh.. and fall down! No bullet wounds, no mar on their shirt, just a soft ugh.. as if they were a video game  character.  It’s weird but oddly it feels mostly like the video games. The cheesy deaths, the setting actually matching the game. BloodRayne the game has a level of campiness that I think this movie does manage to capture. It doesn’t work in a movie.. at all  but it feels like a good video game cutscene… well good is a big word..it’s not on the level of command and conquer not this is those in game video game cutscenes we saw in the early to mid 2000’s . Yes this movie is from the 10’s so it’s many years to late ..but it reminded me of the games. Even the soundtrack feels like a video game one. I am not sure it works for a movie.. but I am not sure we should hold Uwe Boll to that standard. He can’t make movies but with 75 minutes in length, this barely qualifies as such.Maybe I have such low standards by watching these but I actually found entertainment here.. but I never really viewed it as a component product. I wasn’t expecting it.. I did not get it .. like every other Uwe Boll product.. but unlike other Uwe Boll products.. I had fun.. great job mister Boll!

Uwe Boll Sucks!

This movie is better than the movie with the same characters and same characters Blobberella. That is exactly the same movie with the difference of .. what if the main character is fat and we add some stupid jokes like Slutlana into to mix.So already this movie is automatically not the worst! While I had fun with this movie is it worth a watch?! That is difficult. As a vampire movie I’d say it is a definite no! Vampirism is so inconsistent yet again. Some vampires still die by bullets, Rayne’s Damphir nature barely comes into play other than her blood creating a vampire that can daywalk. As a BloodRayne video game Adaptation I’d say it is not worth your time either.It has the time period right.. but all the other elements that were in the last movies like the hunter organisation, the story about her father which was actually concluded in this time period in the games.. it has been told before. Brimstone has no presence here..and besides Rayne using her swords like twice.. this is just a vampire movie set in World War 2 rather than a BloodRayne movie. She still complains about her mother being raped though .. it is mentioned 5 times in the movie even though it has to do nothing with the plot and happened over 100 years ago.

No this movie has no viewing merit based on any of it’s tags. It’s not good at horror, even though the torture scene is kinda cool, it’s action is choppy and humorously inconsistent and to complete the series.. this does nothing.  Yet for people like me who actively watch bad movies this one has some merit! This is Uwe Boll producing a movie that is watchable. If I had to create an analogy Uwe Boll is like the LJN (a video game company notorious for only releasing bad titles) of movies… he  releases a lot of utter shit..but sometimes something is remotely playable. No we are not talking LJN’s Maximum Carnage here.. that game is too good! No this is NES Wolverine, a pretty shitty title that still is a huge step up from Spiderman or The Uncanny X-Men. So if you are the type or person that would play Uncanny X-Men on NES because it’s not the worst the studio has to offer and you want to see them sorta get it right.. this is your movie. It’s as if your kid normally gets F’s in art class and now gets a D+ so you frame it as an achievement for your kid… If you just want a decent movie stay away.. if you want to see a piece of unlikely movie history… it’s watchable. I still stand by that Uwe Boll can’t make a movie.. but now I know he can at least make something that looks like one!

With that we conclude the BloodRayne Triology! Did you see the trilogy?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie? Let me know in the comments! Now it is time to leave september behind and move into Oktober and I got something special for you guys planned…hey whats that translucent figure floating in front of me?! Oh no! It’s the spirit of Uwe Boll’s Vengeance!
You can help me rent an exorcist by supporting my Kofi! It would be much appreciated!