Greetings once more from the island that lies beyond the twilight of make-belief and nightmares!…Well this month! Normally it’s always sunny and happy! This month it is a very scary place! For realsies! So far we covered my close encounters, we came up with a way to fight off zombies..and we have seen plenty of supernatural spooky stuff on the blog! So for a change I would like to talk about the mundane. These are my TOP 5 fears!
Fear #5 Phone Calls
I really REALLY dislike making phone calls. Getting calls is a hassle already and I get super anxious when a number that doesn’t know me calls me. With a hidden number that fear is even worse. I try to answer to the best of my ability but people tend to ask me if I am cold as there seems to be this shiver in it. I could also really struggle to find words and I get an absolute mess on the phone. Like the day before I wrote this I had a phone-call to relocate my internet to my new home location but the cue was too long so they offered me a callback. I had all the papers I needed needly spread out in front of me, yet when they called and began to ask me questions I lost it completely. I forgot my own zip code I forgot my ATM card number and did not get through the security check! So I had to beg them not to disconnect for making a prank call and that I was really me! I just was moving and making lists and my brain was cluttered… I know that is a lie but it is better than “I am scared , I don’t remember” I managed to get it done but barely! I am better at getting a phone call than making one though if I have to start a conversation panic strikes me even more.
This goes further than just “on the phone” as well. I hate Discord calls without camera’s as well. Normally I am very good at reading people and I do that by body posture and facial expressions, it is a “talent” that compensates for my social awkwardness. I can fish and adapt and I know I usually need to “tune” my conversation in real life. So when I lack that cue I feel super weird and am super afraid people might hate me or are not entertained by our conversation and think I am a bother. This goes as far that I get panic attacks when I am in a discord call with friends and a person I know less joins in as well. From super confident I become super flustered and confused and feel like someone is clenching my heart. I am so afraid of choosing my next words that all that remains in my head is this intricate gameplan in the hope to draw out audio cues to give me some guidance and make me understand this person. This goes for phone calls as well.. if someone sounds stern or unhappy.. I crash and burn fast.My phone is almost always on silent so I miss your first call so I can prepare a bit more for the next one!
This fear is fed because of a few things. First of all I hate my voice, it is weak and sounds unpleasant and doesn’t fit me at all. I sound like Cher or something.. while I kind of wound to sound like Wolfeychu (yes I bet it would annoy people but it fits much more with my persona). I don’t sound like me, and while I am trying to train to shift that a bit my weak vocal cords make that very hard. The moment a call has an echo I feel as if I hear a stranger say my words… you know as if a demon would be in me and speak my words for me. “Zuuul .. Mother-duck.. Zuuul”. It ties in with another fear that is higher on this list. The second reason is that I got bullied from the ages of 7 till 16 for something I chose to say. One single complaint about people mistreating me caused 8 years of torment and in a way I never got over it. I am always so afraid that I say something new that will cause the same effect. So I don’t like speaking all that much unless I know how to handle a person.. and for that I need to see you first.I knew the people who started the 8 years of bullying and had I read them a bit better then.. I could have known this would happen.. so I can’t make that same mistake again. A phone ringing even if it is somebody else’s is enough to give me slight goosebumps! So yes I do not like phone-calls. From friends and family I am sorta okay with them..but I still prefer some prep time! Look at me being all weird.
Fear #4 Stairs
I don’t think a fear of stairs is that uncommon. Yet it is such a mundane object. I’ve fallen of a fair few of them and due to my motor skills being odd and my foot not always landing where I want it to go I think it makes a fair bit of sense why I fear them. I am one of those people who will never walk down a stairs without support because of it. Sometimes I risk the biscuit at train stations to give the arm support to the elderly but only on the tiny flight of stairs so I fall down like .. 10 steps at worst. If I can’t guarantee that I will take the elevator or wait for the armrest to be cleared. Moving up a stairs is less scary than down but with my stiffened limbs it is a bit harder for me. I try it from time to time and my new house will have stairs I HAVE to climb and decent but weirdly.. there are gradations in what steps I fear and don’t fear.
Carpeted stairs for example are “safe” Open stairs are a lot scarier but are manageable if they are made for a single person and in a house. One of those artsy white shiny glass like stairs you see in office buildings is terrifying to me. My psychologist has a smaller variant of that and it gives me some serious heebie jeebies. I descend that stairs so slow! I feel like Peter Griffin in that episode of Family Guy where he keeps falling off the stairs. I even a chance to work for the Iphone call center ones.. which had the huge variant of that stairs. While the interview went well they saw me struggle with the stairs on my way down and that was me shaking on my boots. They needed more “spunk” and walking up and down those stairs would be fairly common if I got promoted so I was out. Metal stairs are even creepier though! I climbed the Eiffel Tower because on the one day I was there, the escalator was out. Filled with confidence I strudded upstairs ..just to realise the metal roster indefinitely peering down was something that frightened me a lot. Once you get to the highest level the metal stairs become spiral and Spiral stairs are the worst.
I can’t walk spiral stairs (down). During school trip to Italy, not sure if it was in Venice or Verona..but we visited both during our trip we climbed this old belltower. Because it was cheaper than going by elevator. However on our way down their was spirally stairs and I could not I got so dizzy! I started to hear screams in my head which was my own fear manifesting I think. I tried to hide it from everyone and not be a bother but once we decended one out of 17 stairs my teacher stopped me and told me to go up again and he convinced the elevator operator to take me down for free. Apparently I was so pale that the operator asked if they needed to call an ambulance or doctor, at least that is what the teacher told me later. I just heard screaming and after that day I never visited another belltower again. At best there is a bell up there! If I want something to ring in my head I just think about the look of those stairs again.
Fear # 3 Sports Balls
So this might be a weird one but yes I am quite afraid of sports balls. This can be anything. Hockyballs , Golf Balls, Tennis Balls, Basket Balls, Soccer Balls but worst of all Volley Balls. I am not really afraid of them when they are just laying in the grass or in the stores.. but I still don’t trust them. I like plushies shaped like a ball or beach balls, but if a recreational sports ball has over a bar of pressure or doesn’t go “squeak” when it hits me.. I rather stay away from it. This fear goes pretty far. If I see kids play soccer on the streets I go out of my way to head through another street. I once took a 15 minute detour to avoid a five year old kicking one of those super bouncy soccer balls against a wall. I skipped an evening of cooking and did not eat because there was a fair with a basketball game next to the entrance of my supermarket. I would just eat crips I found at home instead and the next day I set my alarm clock early so I could go before the booth opened.
Why? Because I always get hurt by balls.. (maybe that is why I am into women as well) . On this blog I oftenly identify with the Dojiko anime type, the adorable clutz. Yet I am not that much of a clutz.. I am.. but it is more as if luck bends in my disfavor. All those balls I mentioned before caused me a pretty nasty injury. So let to explain my fears let me explain what happend. The Hockey Ball hurt me during hockey practice at school. They did not use those tennis-like balls you often see on tv but these more solid white ones which felt almost wooden in texture. By then I already hated spherical sporting goods and due to my motor skills I was made a goalie. When trying to stop the ONE ..coming to me I braced myself when I felt my legs slip onto the wet grass.. my legs got further and further and I ended up doing a perfectly horizontal split my legs and my pelvis aligned.. which hurt like heck.. I can’t bend that way. I did manage to stop the ball though.. but it ended up with a 50km per hour crotch shot. WHich did not feel pleasant either. So as I groaned in pain the force knocked me backwards and I hid my head on the little wooden goalboard that functioned as a goal and my head was slightly bleeding. I could not get up cause my legs don’t bend that way so the match just got cancelled and people dragged me under a tree and bent me back so I could move again.
During a single basketball game I managed to bruise all my fingers one by one (well the first one hit 2 and the thumb was safe) flipping them over backwards till near breakage. The teacher forced me to play on saying i was not hurt and just pretending so I ended up bruisng the pinky on my other hand as well. At the end the gym teacher was yelling why I did not catch a ball and I showed 5 purplish black rings around where my fingers are connected to my hand and said my fingers don’t bend that well anymore. He told me I should have told him and that I should go find someone to check it up at the hospital. No one wanted to do that so I went to my other classes for the day and had a panic attack when I realised my fingers were so bruised I could not ride my bike home anymore. Luckily I did not bruise my writing hand too much so I could still go to school the next days.. but no more basketball.
The soccer ball was fired in my face so hard that it knocked me unconscious for a bit.. though I am pretty sure I was slammed into something and that knocked me out I don’t remember that I remember falling.. and then it fell as if I fell into another room. I took a golf ball to the eye and once during adventure putt putt golf I nearly lost my ball and had to pay for it so I went out of bounds to pick it up.. just to realise I stumbled into an area there was a flamethrower effect…I dodged that but the people of the course were NOT happy. The volleyball also knocked me out once, it also broke my glasses at that time and before I had glasses a Volleyball once bruised my wrist when I was little. When I went to run to Daddy crying I tripped on a door stopper thing from a garage door and got a huge head wound. Even recently this summer I was visiting a pool late august when a group was playing soccer next to us I got a shot in the ribs. At first I thought it wasn’t so bad.. but then I noticed I had a bit more trouble breathing and I noticed a very big bruise around my ribs.
Fear #2 Being Forgotten, Being seen as something not me?!
So this is a fear I hardly am able to put into words but I fear this a lot. After that bullying I was a nobody, I had no one left. My relationship with dad was strained at best, my sister hated me for not endorsing her toxic relation and mom while sweet always saw something that wasn’t necessarily me. Wanting me to do the normal things like go out and go shopping and stuff like that. I did those things to see her smile but it was never really for me. When I got sick and confronted with an imminent early demise I thought no one would remember who I really was. Then I got better.. but that fear never went away. I do not know how long I lived , I might equal you I might croak early given how many things are wrong with me on a health level. I have come to accept that.. but what I can not accept is the idea of me going and people remembering that person I am not. “You are a sweet person” .. “You are a hardworking part of society” .. “she had it all. .husband, children and a pet” I would hate to be described in a way that applies to millions of other women. When someone describes me like that I imagine myself laying in a coffin with no face. I have that as nightmares.
It is also a reason why I could not visit my demented grandpa a lot in the end. He did not remember me, he did not remember my sister either and mom the same. My sister became a cake girl.. as she used to bake a cake for him, mom remembered occasionally or otherwise he would call her nurse. Grandpa would try to make him remember me over and over again when we would visit and be like “you remember Pinkie right” and I could see the pain in his eyes of not actually knowing. Searching his head and if she would ask more than three times he would just say yes.. but I saw he did not. I had no real gimmick so I was forgotten a bit more , I lived further away so I could visit less anyway but for some reason I also spurred some violent tendencies in two of the others there.. it was a very scary experience for me. Seeing someone they really disliked.. some sort of singer I think because sometimes they would ask me to sing songs I did not know. Yet I am mostly concerned about my future with this fear. I do not blame grandpa but I do fear the idea .. of people remembering me..like him.. an illusion ..twisted by static .. or like those other two identifying me with something negative I am not.
I share a lot with you all on my blog as do I share a lot in real life. Sometimes works out great, other times it works out less. One of my best friends moved away and plans to stay away simply because I used to go along in his alpha energy a bit, pretending to be that more “normie” person.. spend money on drinks I did not care for, but it did not make me happy. I wanted to be me, drink the drinks I would like to order.. but it made him feel less classy. He wants to look cool with a glass of expensive whiskey and if I sit next to him with a glass of cheap wine or cherry beer they see through the high class act of his. In the end when people less and less could put up with those fake shenanigans he just left us all behind. Which is fine, we are still friends just on different terms, I need A he Needs B.. the thing is however, he keeps imposing his values on the group.
He keeps seeing me as someone who likes everything he does, like shoving Kingdom Heart stuff down my troat. I told him I did not like the series because I do not like the way the story is told and the gameplay is just not for me either. Yet he keeps forgetting.. creating a me in his mind that loves the game because it suits him better. One the one hand it is sweet but who he is friends with its not really me. Somehow the thought terrifies me that I will be misremembered and that people in the end talk about a false me..an importer instead of the actual me! It keeps me awake sometimes and I am super scared of fading away. There was one episode of Buffy where a girl was so ignored that she became invisible.. that idea terrifies me.
Fear # 1 Wasps
I fear wasps so bad that once I spotted one closeby I have zero chill until I know it is absolutely gone, can’t reach me or preferably is dead. I don’t just kill wasps! I kill them dead. I poison them, squash them, cut them in pieces and burn them.. preferably I dump the ashes of my balcony as well. There is nothing I fear more than a wasp. As soon as I see a wasp everything the buzzes send me into a state of hyper paranoia. During a family vacation we were once trapped in the car with a wasp while on the interstate. I went into a near catatonic state of fear where I can’t account for over an hour of driving. We could not swat at it because it was busy in traffic and dad had to focus. I remember that.. and then I heard it buzzing really close and I could not move and then nothing. The next memory is mom handing me a cappuccino and it was suddenly dawn. In a waterpark near Barcelona I cried in fear when the line ended up with me having to stand between two garbage cans that had wasps buzzing around them. I wanted to hold up the line until I could pass it.. so just one or two sliders in between but I was forced to stand there. It never seemed to end.
The reason I fear wasps so much is my bad luck! Dad was a wasp swatter and well he would always swat them onto me. Once under me while I was sitting down.. once he set a wasp on fire with an electrical swatter and it landed on me and stung me.. before it finally died of the fire. I went to a fairy tale theme park near me just to be stung in both ears on the same day and the teacher yelling at me for not listening to her.. (but I could not hear her due to the swelling … well unless she screamed) I also got stung on my nose that day. I got stung under my fingernail.. in that soft flesh between my toes. Even when I am not swatting at them in an attempt to get some piece of mind and even if I zone out.. for some reason they target me still. They look so evil as well. Not a single creature in nature I think looks as creepy as a wasp (if we would give them a universal size) sure a Hippo should be scarier.. or a tiger.. but honestly I would rather jump into a tiger den and punch my way to safety and being shredded .. possibly than walking the same distance trough a wasp infestation. For some reason I am the perfect wasp snack.
One time I left my balcony door open .. the summer of 2018.. when a HUGE wasp got in somehow. It was like the size of Fat Alberts thumb! It kept buzzing around so I could not go to sleep. I set a light trap for it hoping to capture it in the hallway. But I had to find some materials so briefly would have to use the kitchen light as well.. it crawled into the light fixture there and now was in the lamp.. but I know he could crawl out. ..so I could not sleep again. For a brief moment I considered flooding my kitchen with gas and tossing in my lighter to explode it.. that is how much I was panicking but instead I deactivated the light and made another one.. as soon as it crawled out.. it looked like something out of a horror movie. I almost emptied and entire can of hairspray on it then dove into my hallway and closed the door.
I got into the bathroom and took a shower.. also closing the door.. believing that if it crawled under the door the downpour or water would certainly kill it. I hid in that bathroom for almost an hour before I slowly walked back and I saw it on the floor.. it was still alive. Too afraid to step on it with my shoes I jumped over it, dropped my heaviest book on it and trapped it and put the remains in an empty wine bottle. I filled that wine bottle with some aggressive corrosive drain clog stuff and boiling water, closed the bottle and put it on my balcony … in a double trash bag. I could finally sleep after that.. even if it was already 6 in the morning by the time I had that all done! Even then I was still scared it would somehow return or have spawn! When a wasp is around I feel like there is a vice around my entire body!
What are some of your fears?! Do you fear something mundane? Any fear you know is silly but you can´t help it? Let me know in the comments! If you happen to fear money.. I have the perfect solution for you! Support my Kofi and get rid of some of that nasty cash you don’t want! It would help us both out!