Hello little lights, today I wanted to talk to you about things that have been going on in my life. I failed to do a few uploads because I was busy chasing new projects. This post is a little update on how I am doing, What I am trying to do, and how I am trying to achieve it. It will go trough a few struggles I have been going trough with myself, the community and WordPress, as well as showing I am still working on realising my dream.
I am a nobody
This week, I got seriously burned on social media! I try to get more into it, playing these games people do where people assess you or interact with your platform, as well as I have tried reacting to people! However, due to my health being so frail over the past two weeks I have also been sleeping a lot and I barely manage to create my own content, let alone visit all your amazing content. I had little focus because I am medicated into being super groggy or in a lot of pain due to my muscles going quite volatile on me! Seeing people interact with each other on twitter usually cheers me up! Yet in a bad head space I realised, while people love to play these games with each other it is extremely rare for people to interact with me. Which is totally fair as I haven’t been always as sociable as I like either, but people don’t seem to really interact with those “who do you think Pinkie is” kind of posts. From my bad headspace, I took that the wrong way and created a super toxic situation for myself convincing nobody cared for me.
I know this to be untrue because my health updates got met with lots of love and sympathy, but you know that little devil on my shoulder explained that as, “they don’t care about you, they are just being polite and care about being deemed polite, see if everything is fine and dandy no one wants to interact with you”. I know I am the odd duck in the anime community, I might not even be truly a part of the anime community as that is not my main content but I always believed by simply being a geek, I’d also belong. Maybe I was wrong with that, maybe anime is truly the only things that binds us and by toning my anime content down I have estranged myself from you all. I need to be more social but for some reason my head is so full of stuff, Yet I struggle! Where do I belong?! I do not know and the past two weeks made me question everything. I do know you all are important to me even if I can’t always show it though! So maybe that goes around the same way, I can not assume you do not care, that is the devil talking! But he is making me really sick lately! I barely was able to get out of bed anymore!
I am me
Being confronted with my physical weakness and my sickness these past two weeks made me feel glum, the devil was there to devalue you all… or more accurately, devalue myself in correlation to how I would like you guys to see me. I want to do more anime content, but back pains are always present, just watching something doesn’t take away my pain, I need to be engaged in a game or a project to shut it of properly. Even then I just have a laptop, if I need to lay down and just watch something because the pain is to much, the laptop needs to be set up for that and the tv offers an easier solution. If I want to watch anime I constantly need to lean over to make screen captures… and I can’t.. I am pain… my heart has been kind of poorly functioning properly.. it’s weak. Oftenly giving me much lower blood pressure and then I feel sick like a dog, translating in my head can be overwhelming then. So all in all, anime hasn’t been my most suited media right now! Plus then there is my dream.
My writing isn’t the most accepted. It is a lot quirkier, than some of my more successful colleagues out there. This on the one hand gives me validation, I am unique so I have a right to exist. I am known in the blogosphere as well and I love that. Yet the devil keeps questioning on how sincere we all are. I know a lot of you are sincere in their interactions towards me, but how many would truly notice if I got to sick to blog and missed a week? I can not answer that question and I will never be able to! How many would send me a message with “Are you well?” out of their own accord?! I sometimes wonder about that, the devil says not a lot.. but cheerful little moth self tells me, perhaps those people just do not want to bother you, they just think they are bloggers to you after all. I can never know how you think about me, unless directly told.. but that also means that I can not adapt me to be someone that is liked more, even if directly told, what about the silent ones! They have a voice as well! So I never can answer what is the best me for you all… so I just have to be the me that I truly am and take the pain when it’s not good enough and revel in the joy for when it is! That is also why I am doing let’s plays and Nuzlockes now! I have a lot of fun playing those! If that interests people that is great , if it doesn’t, at least I had fun! So while I know my new content isn’t as well received as some other posts.. it is something I have to do to be able to get up in the morning.
I am more than a Blogger
I have told several times that this blog was made because I do not have a strong voice, I can talk okay, but I can’t talk constantly, sometimes I just can’t bring out words and only whisper. I always saw that as a quality that will keep me off YouTube forever, and started my blog to be the “voice free” version of that. Yet as I grow I realise that this medium has its limitations, while I do love blogging a part of me feels as if my dream isn’t being fulfilled. Imagine asking your parents for a dog, but all you get is a Hamster. While you love Fluffy Whiskerson with whole your heart and are super grateful to your parents for giving you this great addition in your live, it doesn’t take away that need deep inside you to play fetch with something, go on walks with a loyal quadruped that comes back to you when you call it’s name. Blogging is my hamster. I treasure it deeply.. but some things I want to do as a creator I can not do as a blogger. While my limitations on YouTube are ample, I lack proper materials for video editing, I lack the voice and the self promoting skills to make that work will probably prevent me from ever growing the size I am on here I feel as if I need to pursue it still as a bucket list thing of sorts.
I am a gamer that happens to like anime but due to my connection to OWLS I started fitting anime content in my blogging content as well, Pokémon Gaming got expanded as well as I realised more content made me happier. However I am now at a point where it has “stranded” me. Not in terms of content creation but in turns of development. Most of my readers are tied together by anime, and while I do enjoy anime, I do not think that is what binds me to you guys! Due to my content selection, I feel what binds “us” is WordPress. We share this amazing platform to show our ideas and we give each other time because we show up in each others Reader. That is fine because it connects us through a joined hobby! Writing! And I love you all for being there for me and showing off your amazing blogs! Yet I am like the little Mermaid here!
Pinkie’s Remade Song!
I wrote a cover of the Disney Song to express my feelings! I Include the instrumental version of Part of your World that follows the text in a YouTube video, if you need to follow the rythm of my text please visit my website outside of reader!
Look at my blog, isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my content is complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
Girl who has everything?
Look at this blog, stories untold
How content can one website hold?
Looking around here you’d think
Sure, she’s got everything
I’ve got Follows and Likes A Plenty!
I’ve got achievements and Views Galore!
You like loyal readers?!
I’ve got twenty!
I do care!
I love it!
But want More!
I wanna be where the people are!
I wanna see, Wanna see them simping!
Following me simply for
What was the reason?!
Oh, Me!
While my blog made me go really far,
Vids are required to tell my stories!
Walking you trough my…
what was my focus?!
Games!
Up where they talk!
Where content plays!
Where I really hope to find a new space!
Creating more me!
Limitless Free!
My YouTube World!
What would I give! If I could live!
Out as my true self!
What would I pay, to spend a day
As the true me!
I need to vent, please understand,
I am not calling you out dear reader!
But this creator, needs to update her…
true content!
I am ready to spread my wings and Soar!
Find new Interactions,
And find some answers!
Can I succeed or will i get..
what’s the word?
BURNED!
When it’s my turn?!
Can I be Loved! Or Will I just end up getting Shoved?!
I need to grow!
Out of this low!
As the true me!
Who am I?!
Do not mistake this for me quitting blogging! I am merely expanding! I will not quit nor even take a break! However, I am in the pursuit of Happiness for myself and that might mean that I will one day rather work on a YouTube Video than post a blog! The other day I might photoshop over some scenes in an iconic song and post a blog 7 hours later than I normally would! I am overwhelmed, I am not doing to great mentally and physically.. but those limitations are just as much a part of me than my dreams. Yes I would love to give you content each day.. but if my heart can’t handle it, if I am in to much pain, that is a part of me I have to accept just as much as that part that says blogging alone isn’t enough! That is alright!I can’t force my heart to beat correctly for the sake of content as much I want. I can’t make my muscles relax on days anime content is supposed to released and I can’t always smile the sorrows away sometimes I just need to accept my lesser parts as well. And YouTube offers a more creative outlet to forget those pains.
Monday February 1st I will start with a long project of going to hospitals! Medicine, Psychology and later on even surgery will all be part of this and I do not know how it will effect me! I might have very rotten days where I need to stay in bed, or stay at the Hospital which is far away for me. It is so I can be my true self however, and live a much healthier, happy live, in that spirit I decided to already start taking a bit more liberty with content creation schedules! Do stick with me though becauseI have plenty of stuff left to tell!
As for you my little lights, I have seen a lot of bloggers talking about the importance of consistency to let your blog grow and be successful! Be sure to never let that overshadow yourself however! You are the most important element to your blog! Without you , there is no blog or no content what so ever. So if you want to try something else to see if it makes you happy, be it podcasts, YouTube or heck even pro-gaming or making memes or whatever. Don’t be afraid to chase a dream! Your dreams can be petty! Yes I would love a simp of my own which sounds petty but there are reasons I assure you! However that is to long of a story to still tell! By doing a lot of research I found a good text to speech program so I can get my words out there, I found a free 3d model program, free editing software and even free face rigging software! It will not get me to where I want, but it will help me start the chase! I am more than then what I create! I am also what I dream about and I am also defined by the things I can not do! Only by accepting it all will I find my true happy place and my true Paradise!
Pinkie's Paradise 
If you ever need an ear I am always available. Most hours of the day/night. We are new friends but friends nonetheless. No judgement here.
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Thanks for offering! I am doing okay now writing was cathardic
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You are important to me. It isn’t all about who Pinky is at a point in time, it is about the process that is “Pinky becoming.”
By all means, expand! Write about things you love beyond anime. At one time I was very frightened that my rather explicit avocation of public nudie-ness would drive all my followers away, yet I don’t think it has hurt a bit. In fact, I’m doing fewer anime reviews lately at least partly because I look at someone else’s post and decide I can’t match that and talk about other things instead. So, don’t be afraid of straying from the subject matter of anime into other areas of interest. The worst thing to happen is that one post won’t get a lot of likes. So what?
In fact, having some posts get lots of likes and others get very few is a GOOD thing. It means they are paying some attention to the subject matter and NOT just doing social likes. Getting hits is meaningless if you never strike out.
As for the video thing… I don’t have the skills for that. You have surpassed me! Not bad for a “sickly” lady. Takes more dedication than what I have and to do it proper means I wouldn’t be doing much of anything else. And they’d all end up in YouTube’s age-restricted category anyhow and nobody would watch them.
Or maybe I should find myself a volunteer videographer and editor. It is the only way I’ll ever end up on YouTube.
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Thank you for the kindness and the words of Wisdom.
Striking out can be a good thing but I have been striking out a bit weirdly lately! Like a post with a interesting featured image that is part of a series doing 3x as well as other posts in that series, Some people completely avoiding all content but anime content, it can feel odd! Not bad persé but if what I learned when out the window!
The video thing has been something I have been deeply enjoying! It is a skill I can evolve and grow with and that works kind of better with my style of humor and presentation.
Text to speech is not a great solution as I still can’t do a lot I would like to .. but I can at least can get started, untill new medication might make it easier, or some training makes speaking more managable.
In a community it is to easy to compare yourself to others. I want to be as reliant as Irina, I would to be as wise as you and I want to be as Funny as K. Same goes for YouTube, I’d love to sound as cute as Iron Mouse or WolfeyChu.. and that can create a wall. I need to be me.. and sometimes it is okay to admit I can’t be a consistant as Irina.. I sometimes feel to sick to do that! I can keep trying again and again to match that, but it might just not work for me.
We always give each other tips on how to be succesful, but what works for others doesn’t have to work for you! What gives you energy can be different from what gives me energy. That is okay! It just feels counter intuative of our brainwashing to try and fit in.
But sometimes I feel a bit to different.. misunderstood. Being Greysexual and maybe even Demi-Romantic. In a way In a way, rather than trough romance I am looking for that connection in creativity I guess, I just realised I need more!
But new ways open new paths and who knows where we end up! So I feel happy about trying new things, I just wanted to write this post to let people know.. so if I have a “dark” day I do not have to focus on justifying it.. instead I just can focus in pursueing what makes me happier that day..
So I guess the purpose if this post is kind of saying ” I am not doing great, but it is okay , I am working on it, please bare with me?” I am not sure! I just felt very strongly I needed to get this out of my system! I feel much better for it!
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I wish I felt wise. Instead, I feel obsolete.
What I found is that by following other people in a different subject area, they will view and like the non-anime subject matter. Not to beat a naked horse, but I follow other nudies. They check out my nudie posts and maybe like and follow. Some of them pickup on the anime, some pick of on my personal posts. And the anime followers pick up on the nude stuff and the personal stuff. I have a set of Aspie follwers too and people who don’t really fit any catagory.
In my feeble mind I think of it as cross polination.
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I agree with the cross polination idea, I do think that does happen, I just kinda wish it happened a bit more, I am still meeting new people that vibe with some new content and that is great.
Still this might be shallow, but I want a follower who follows for me rather then my content, some may already do that and it might sound shallow but my dad always told me I could not do stuff, I was always below others, basically everything I do sucks…
I want to find that fan who thinks everything I do is amazing, simply so I have a counter from the negativity that is my dad, so in a way that is why I have this Idol girl dream and YouTube feels like a better medium to chase that?
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The number of people who will like me for who I am rather then for my content is spectacularly small. Literally one in a million.
Doing is not a big problem for me. Being appreciated, rather than just accepted, (or more likely just tolerated) is the problem.
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That isn’t true at all pinkie. You do get more interaction than on me in twitter or blogging. I have to go out of my way, above and beyond to help others, yet no one…for the sake of others I do it, yet for my sake a blade is forged.
Strike out how you want. Their loss, if they can’t see you for you. You’re worth more.
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I dont mind the striking out that much as I explain later, its just coloured by the little devil to feel very draining, its not others I blame perse its my mind that keeps bending this to make me feel bad, despite my accomplishments and people I meet along the way.
Just inside there is this urge I have that now pushes me to explore stuff more
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Yeah you should explore stuff pinkie!!
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I totally applaud your evolution and expansion and hope I can manage to follow so I never miss a Pinkie anything. I’m not even sure it was an anime post that lured me here and it surely wasn’t the anime that made me love you. Look at me, I barely post at all and when I do it’s mostly woowoo – yet this community has accepted and supported me. And I read those anime blogs that are so insightful and wise and think, I could never write about anime that well. The same goes for the book bloggers I follow – my book reviews never came up to that level. Yet the book bloggers and anime bloggers drop by and read my woowoo. I believe you really hit the nail on the head when you say we share a hobby, writing, and that’s our base of community. In fact, I would expand that to pure creation and creativity – because I do follow some YouTubers and I would absolutely follow you there. These days I even find myself watching progamers or at least YouTube gamers to learn more about the games I’m playing and to learn about more games I probably want 😛 There is no need to set any limits on ourselves when we have the whole world on our desktop now 😀
But first and formost always, take care of yourself. If you need a day of rest in bed, do that. If you have dumb stuff you gotta do, like (ugh) doctor visits – do that. I do ask that you keep us in the loop because we DO care about you and we DO notice and wonder and worry if you’re not here for a few days. And I can tell you for a true thing that prayers and good thoughts and support from your online friends helps very much with the health thing. It’s always helped my hubby, and it will help you, too.
Please take us along on your YouTuber adventure? I thought about it, but I’m old and ugly and got no teef and don’t know what I’d talk about anyway. I looked at doing the avatar thing and it all just overwhelmed me and I gave up. Face it, I barely blog anymore 😛 I’d love to follow along and maybe I’ll even learn something But I know I will enjoy your creations just like I love the Pink Island 😀
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I will always keep you in loop, thats why I read post like these! This isnt a post on whats wrong with WordPress but rather how sometimes it defeats me cause of that little devil. I tried to smile it away, but now I feel like sometimes I might have to acknowledge it won a fight, take a breath for two days or so and fight again
It’s a post on how maybe if I dont put all my eggs in one basket and don’t settle on “good enough” I can stop myself from feeling stagnant. It has also confirmed to me some people really care which is great.
It also proved the opposite! It was a post where people could show they genuinely care and some did the opposite! Its weird but I see paterns.
I know you care because you are you, I know Scott cares cause he went back to find my tweet, I think Irina cares because no matter what time I post on , in a day she finds my post. I know Heather cares cause she is super genuine on Twitter.
However the opposite is still true, I see the social pressure in some, that like because it is right and that makes me feel like a burden rather then a boon, that will always be there but that is why I wish for “a simp” even on the dark days, there will be that one person that always cares that always valid counter argument to bad thoughts, while I know many of you care a lot and I love you all for it, there is that itch WordPress can not scratch somehow that forces me to evolve and expand
Its the weird case where harmony and unity can create inner discourse because support and postive reactions blend together but making it harder for the indivdual to distguish themselves. Do they like my post because its the right thing to do or because my words touched someone somehow, yet not getting those like because people do not like a subject that is dear to you also hurts..in the end that little devil sometimes wins and sometimes we have to admit it won
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But in admitting that little devil won this round, you acknowledge that you’ll fight again. And in addition, even better, that you will grow and expand and go beyond this one platform – which is a good thing. When I see people get into real trouble online (and myself included) is when they “put all eggs in one basket” and then the bottom falls out in one way or another and there’s no alternate plan or alternate internet world to play in. So I’m glad you’re opening new vistas, and in your case, since I’d follow you anywhere, you’ll do me the favor of dragging me kicking and screaming into something new, too 😀
In truth, WordPress and this new so-called editor, along with my own mental and (mostly) emotional blocks have rather defeated me. It’s all I can do these days to force myself to write a post. Which isn’t what it is about now that I’m really just a hobbiest. So if I go silent on my own blog, that doesn’t mean I’m not still reading and feeling like I belong. Which is off subject, sort of.
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My first video is just about done, just a few overlay and adding an intro/outro
The intro needs me to design a mascotte of sorts that flies across the screen and then that is done.
Then I need to make an actual introduction video, of which the lead in is finished and the concept is done.
I should be good to go in just a little, working hard though!
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Thanks for sharing Pinkie. I really like reading your blog, I don’t like or comment on every single post (which is more due to my laziness than anything else) but I always click on a new post whenever I see it come up. I can definitely understand the burnout from blogging and tbh I’ve been feeling that way for a while now. I really admire you for sticking to it in spite of your health problems. If you need to take a break though, I’m sure your readers would understand. I’m just glad you are here.
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I know myself that I rarely leave a like when reading on my phone, half of the time WordPress wonr even let me
This is not meant as an attack to anyone, just inner negativity being fueled by the negatives of the medium, and how those limitations make me thirst for more, i love you all and I even refferenced you in the song under my loyal readers, ( check the image there vs the orginal clip it means I count you among my loyals xD)
That demon that makes me doubt me will still stay there though no matter how much logic I throw at it
I tried saying it is wrong, I tried ignoring it , sometimes it just wins though and I might need to give it 2 days to celebrate whilst I work on Youtube instead
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This was a powerful post. I’m sorry to hear about recent episodes of your health and you struggling. I certainly struggle with my identity and some severe self-esteem issues. While a lot of the things I go through (or have went through) are different from yours, I hope things do get better. I do feel a bit more positive reading your posts no matter if they were silly or serious. I apologize for not reading and responding to this post right away. You’ll get through this.
Also, even for someone who’s been very vocal in my critiques against Disney, I still thought the parody of “Part of your World” was amazing. :3
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