Tom Hank’s War on the French

Long before I ended up traveling across the pacific on a raft with only a volley ball to keep me company I was a world renowned Symbolist. I know it sounds far fetched but it’s true. Due to this experience I almost immediately have a hard time wrapping my head around The Da Vinci codes’ main character, Robert Langdon in the video game adaption based on the best selling Dan Brown novel of the same name.

Let me explain why. Interestingly enough, both, The Da Vinci Code game and movie starring Tom Hanks were released on the same day. BUT – the game version is not based on the theatrical version at all – sticking closely to Dan Brown’s original novel. So that’s why Robert Langdon in the game has absolutely no visual similarities to Mr. Hanks. In fact he’s better looking. But even knowing that – that doesn’t mean I will play fair and not compare video game/book Robert Langdon to Tom Hanks Robert Langdon. Because I’m not fair and never have been. That’s boring. So from here on out Robert Langdon is Tom Hanks and vice versus.

There are two universal truths in this world:

• Despite being tall I will never be good at basketball no matter how hard I try.

• If Tom Hanks plays you in a movie you’re a smart character but you’re physically weak.

If Tom Hanks was a trading card – any simple or evolved form of Tom Hanks would give you +5 boost in intelligence and awareness but your physicals are going to plummet. Out of all his movie eras Da Vinci Hanks has some of his most atrocious stat lines:

*The -3 Strength is attributed to his horrible hair cut. Not only does it makes him much more vulnerable to attacks from behind but also attacks from the front on his feelings and judgement.

Am I actually supposed to believe that this guy can beat up anything at all? Let alone policemen? Sometimes even several at a time? The historically ignorant may scoff at a French Police Force and the French in general for being too relaxed and refined to be bothered with any sort of fist fight with Tom Hanks. Their bellies too full with delicious cheeses and wines to bother kicking the crap out of a long haired Tom Hanks but I am not one of those people. I know what the good people of France are capable of.

It’s true – the French are a cultivated and beautiful people. With a language that is smooth, enchanting and musical it is easy to forget these brave people stared directly back into the face of Nazism with no fear. And fuck, they even took taxi cabs to battle in World War I. That’s classy and badass.

So I immediately find it far fetched that any Harvard scholar, “symbolist” played by Tom Hanks could just teleport down into the center of Paris and just start throwing hands at everything. It’s one thing to suspend my reality but to imagine that is to completely disown it.

Anyways, enough about Tom Hanks fighting Frenchmen.

The Da Vinci Code is a 2006 adventure puzzle game developed by The Collective and published by 2k Games. The Collective was an American developer that developed mainly licensed games for PC/XBOX/PS2. Looks like their most successful work was the game, Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb. The Da Vinci Code would be their last release before merging with Backbone Entertainment.

The juggernaut publisher 2k needs little introduction. They publish everything from the BioShock series to the WWE 2k series of games.

The game was met with pretty mixed reviews upon release. Mainly the trouble was with the combat system (very dull and hard to handle) and the graphics (which I don’t think are too bad to be honest)

The puzzles are a lot of fun and I enjoy them quite a bit. It’s everything in between each puzzle that sort of sucks.

Recently, I had read a post from a writer considerably smarter than me about Christianity in a round about way. It was really well done and despite my lack of faith in just about everything (don’t take it personally) I liked the point she made. And it inspired me. Not to make peace with God. But to do exactly what she begged people not to do in the post: Absolutely dunk on a book series without reading it or knowing what the hell I’m talking about.

So – obviously – it goes without saying I am not Dan Brown. If I was I’d be too busy swimming in my pool of liquified gold to bother with anyone BUT if Robert Langdon in the book fights as many people as he does in this stupid game than Dan Brown is a ridiculous human being.

Also back on the Christianity thing for a moment – the book is basically considered some sort of demon spawn abomination for its rewritten religious history. So I could only imagine the Catholic Church would literally do nothing short of an exorcism had it encountered this game.

Anyways, where was I. It’s impossible to not get lost in a religious tangent when reviewing this game because the entire plot is literally a series of religious tangents. Some art, some mentions of important people, an albino dickhead and a French hottie that for whatever reason feels like protecting you.

It could have just been done so much smarter. While certainly not the worst game I’ve ever played – it’s still pretty damn stupid. Or maybe I’m pretty damn stupid and if I just read the book I wouldn’t be so stuck on the damn logistics of a fighting professor.

Granted Indiana Jones was a teacher that beat ass but that was Harrison Ford. If Harrison Ford would have played this guy I’d be all for it. Harrison Ford is boss sauce. What about Daniel Day Lewis? Matt Damon? Tom Cruise? George Clooney? Literally anyone but Tom Hanks.

The corpse of Leonardo Da Vinci could kick the shit out of Tom Hanks.

Alright, I’m done here. I’m obviously not going to get past it. It’s an okay game but not great. Good bye.

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

As you can see – the manager enjoys gingers and fisticuffs. I do not.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Da Vinci Code)

If for some reason you’d like to read more of my thoughts or follow me on social media: https://linktr.ee/DarkCorners