Hello Little Lights! In real life I am quite content with my new place in my real life. Yet virtual me has much more of a struggle! I am not made for a tiny little hut! I need an Estate to keep all my things! Not one of those villa mansions either.. I want something special! Something that screams.. someone who is more than just a manager lives here!
So I hired a realtor as we checked out some fairly iconic real estate.. You know I’d probably alter it just a bit so it is safe for me to use.. but you know a girl has to have inspiration. Anyway I found this Realtor named Phil.. he kind of is a geek! Met him in some virtual game.. and today we are looking at some of the most iconic Real Estate in video games.
Dracula’s Castle (Castlevania)
Phil : So this is the first place I would like you to see, it’s a classical gothic structure, stemming from 1094, and belonged to a guy named Mathias Cronqvist, a powerful alchemist that lived up until the end of the 1990’s. It has about 200 rooms and can travel dimensions and locations, as it has shown up in Europe, Transylvania but also Japan as well. It is also known to change shape and sizes to fit wherever and whenever it is needed. I will be honest, the original owner has passed away in the castle.. as I am legally obligated to tell you this… in fact he has been murdered in his castle by a blonde man with long hair and a whip… and the palace might be a bit of a fixer upper.. but I think it can provide you years of happiness
Pinkie: Phil this is Dracula’s castle from Castlevania isn’t it?! Why do you use to name Mathias Cronqvist, now I have to explain to my readers that in Castlevania lore, Dracula is not an alter ego of Vlad Tepes, but of an alchemist who made himself immortal through his science and all that stuff. Besides I am not sure this place is for me. It looks quite gloomy. I might become more than a manager soon, but I am pretty sure I won’t be turning evil or a vampire! If anything I am trying to become less nocturnal and Rainbows can’t be out in the dark.
Phil: Well it has a library, it has a dinner room, it has a piano room and even it’s own swimming pool! You made a big deal out of wanting your own swimming pool which I don’t really get because don’t you have some amazing pools in Paradise?! I guess this palace is a bit of a fixer upper, you might need to fix some staircases fixed but that should not be to hard! It comes pretty cheap ever since the creators wanted to fix more on pachinko machines, the castle has been neglected a bit so you can pick it up without overspending.
Pinkie: Sure Phil, then tell me how we get from the main hall to the dining room. If you can explain it to me in less than a paragraph I will consider buying this place.
Phil: I think that’s a bit unfair.. it is easy enough! All you need to do is gather a red orb from the music room, then kneel at a pond , a staircase that leads your underwater will be revealed. You need to follow the tunnel and then choose the third mirror on the second floor from of the study and enter it and it will take you straight to the drawbridge that if it is open will take you to the dining room, If not you might need to take a little detour by getting a grappling hook..to move onto a higher platform.. but we can just build a staircase there to work around that.
Pinkie: I think you know why I am passing on this. I don’t want to need Nintendo Power to find my bedroom each night.. let’s go look at the next lot.. but before we go.. I really need to pee, could I use the bathroom here?!
Phil: Sure all you need to do is walk up the half broken stairs, take a little leap of faith down from the overpass, defeat the giant bat in the pantry so it drops a key that lets you access the west wing. Follow that to the end by jumping a few gaps and dodging some medusa heads and it will lead you right to the clock tower the bathroom is at the top.. it really is nice for the drainage.. you never have any smell or annoying kids throwing fireworks in the sewer to make your toilet spill.
Hyrule Castle (Legend of Zelda Series)
Phil: Okay.. I am sorry you died twice while trying to get to the bathroom, that was my fault.. This palace is actually owned by a titular character. It follows a more classic structure and has plenty of space. A princess much like … Oh right… A Smash Brothers character I guess, lived here and many of her incarnations have found happiness in this castle. Her father has been murdered in it only once .. so it already has way less deaths to it than most other castles we will visit. It already has been restored properly for the potential of Breath of the Wild 2.. and it has only gotten larger over time.
Pinkie: This is actually quite nice Phil.. but there seems to be a very thick wallpaper on the walls, I don’t really like it. .can I paint over that?! It seems like it might go a bit soggy if I do.
Phil: Don’t worry you can paint over it.. the thick wall paper has been in place because the castle got devastated and converted to a fortress of evil for a bit.. during the era of the hero of time. You know six magical seals were placed. spirits of some sages were imprisoned.. it all resulted in a bit of an edgy architecture, the rightful owner restored it to its previous condition.
Pinkie: Ah I see.. how unfortunate for the rightful owner! I would not like it if someone came and took my castle and made it into a dark fortress! So what’s that greenish looking residue on the ceiling, it kind of looks like mold!
Phil: It’s dried in Algae actually, you see a couple of years later the country of Hyrule got completely flooded and the castle became completely submerged for many years! The princess became a pirate and all that unless a new hero could be found.. but after the evil was defeated it dried right up! You might find a few pin bones here and there..but nothing a good round with a vacuum cleaner can’t fix up.
Pinkie: Okay.. but is it still a flooding hazard now? I mean I am Dutch so we know how to make dry land…but that sounds awfully costly! I also notice a lot of plaster work has been renewed and the cellar has a do not enter sign? Why is that then?
Phil: Well fairly recently the entire castle was destroyed because the evil forces took over four fire giant animal mecha’s and layed the castle in ashes. The hero of the wild took control of them back.. but not before the evil created all sorts of spider cyclops.. it really hurt the drywall. The evil was defeated by the giant animal mechas firing a combined beams at him… but unfortunately the wine cellar now is just a crater. You know.. this castle does end up getting cursed or destroyed a lot.. given how unlucky you can be this might not be the purchase for you… I might be able to sell it to Pepper though.
Pinkie: Who is Pepper? Why would you sell him this thing? This is a timebomb! It gets destroyed like every other generation?! And why do all the shadowy corners of the castle have this dog pee scent to them?!
Dr Wily’s Castle (Mega Man)
Pinkie: Phil are you really trying to sell me Dr Wily’s castle?! I mean the music here is SOOOO good that I would almost consider it ..but this is an architectural nightmare. I know my taste in things can be a bit garish at times.. but this is pushing it. Maybe Indigo and Kuro would like it but why would I like a building that has a huge satellite dish, a giant skull and some ribs.. a rocket.. that in the original design actually is more like a bullet.. and some silo’s that look like they belong on a farm?! I want a brick castle not a steel one! That is super cold and I am a fairy type! Steel is super effective against me! So no I can already tell I will pass on this one.
Phil: Yeah I guess this one might not be for you, you are going for a more classical vibe right? You know as Realtor I am obligated to at least show you a different style. But if you look for a princess castle we will look for something traditional. Sorry about that sometimes I can make this mistake as I come from such a Modern Family.
Pinkie: Okay.. I wrote that joke.. and I might not get any emmy’s for it .. but for the sake of this post i’ll say, You are a funny man Phil!
Phil: Thank you, it’s actually a fact that if you look up the word funny inside an encyclopedia you see my face! I am very proud of it! And sorry for wasting your time! But hey isn’t it cool to see this in real imaginary life?!
Ted: Actually that word is pronounced encyclopeahdia! I do agree with Pinkie though this place is an architectural nightmare.. besides it garish looks those eyes in the skull will give very big problems with heat regulation, the use of such varying materials such as bone, steel , brick and red plastic will also make sure that your house expands in various degrees when it is heated up by sunshine which would cause significant structural damage over time. The palace also has a lot of self destruct buttons which is trouble when you run with a cast as wild as Pinkie’s.
Pinkie: Who invited you here?! You know what.. you can stay.. lots of these palaces have been needing changes , you might be useful. Besides.. now I got two sitcom characters and WandaVision is super popular right now.. I might be able to bank on their success by doing this weird cross over thingamajig myself.
Ted: Cool, while we go to the next lot , how about I tell you the story of how I met the mother of my children?!
Phil & Pinkie: NO!!!!!
Princess Peach Castle (The Mario Series)
Phil: So you seem to like Nintendo so I figured let’s try this one as well, this one might be a bit pricey to get but it needs the least work. It is in functioning order.. and it also doubles as a dimensional hubworld , you can hang up a painting of Scott and jump straight through his blog by jumping through a painting. I love Scott! he talks about such great tech! There is room for a lot of those rooms.. and the castle is pretty much cleaned of all other furniture so you can move right in! The times of the princess being kidnapped is mostly over now, she recently plays a more active role in adventures so she is looking to move into a bit of a smaller place. With a bigger kitchen so she can make more cakes! Also perhaps a bit of added security! So yes you might need a few tech upgrades here and there but over all I think this could be the perfect castle for you!
Pinkie: You actually might be right Phil, I really like this one.. though I really need to do something about that stained glass Window that is shaped like Princess Peach! I mean I don’t like the coconuts of the island to start worshipping the wrong person! I know I am getting some design changes soon.. so I might not look her a lot.. unsure do you think we can change that window Ted?
Ted: That may proof a bit trickier than you think you see that skylight opens up a dimensional portal to the sky domain if light shines trough it.. if we wear it down at the wrong time of day…or take to long we may actually rip a fabric in the space time continuum which could have disastrous results.. We may even be dragged straight to hell as depicted by the Poët Dante who’s famous work Inferno has become the blueprint of ultimate dystopia as we know it! If I were to quote him in the original Italian it would go a little something like this….
Pinkie: Shut up Ted!
Frederik: Oh Hai everyone.. I see you chose a second grade realtor.. while actually I am the one that should have been listed, so I just came to tell you all that and maybe start a bit of a fight with Phil.. as it will be good for the ratings! I know what you are going to see, Frederic you work in New York and the Mushroom Kingdom is not in there.. but if you have ever seen the Super Mario Bros movie.. you know the Mushroom Kingdom is actually set beneath Brooklyn.. so this is my turf! How dare you take on other Realtors.
Pinkie: Go away Frederik I doubt any of my readers will know who you are! I wanted to use a Realtor for this post most people know and I first selected Kirstie and Allan from House Hunters UK .. but I opted out of that as well.. so you can go away too! Don’t you dare bring Josh Altman into this either.. these castles are not Million Dollar listings.. we pay fictional money here not real!
Frederic: Oh.. why did you not say that from the beginning anyway.. not interested then.. see you later alligator! I must say I love Paradise though! Can I grab a cocktail?! Maybe some of the delicious food as well?
Pinkie: Yeah yeah go ahead.. I am am busy! Phil… I love this place. It’s so cute and girly and it has a nice garden . how much would I need to offer to get this.. and could you please send these toads away?! It might be kind of unprofessional to let them hear how excited I am about this! They may make sure Peach gives a higher counter offer.
Phil: Oh no you don’t need to worry about these Toads Pinkie, they won’t spy for Peach, they come with the castle
Pinkie: …….. I’m Out!
A Minecraft Palace
Ted: Pinkie, is your existence not based around that of the V-Tuber and do you not seek to return to YouTube once your health Issues pick up?!
Pinkie: That is true
Ted: One word:
Pinkie: Building my own castle?!
That seems like a lot of effort.
Ted: For Realz
And hey the effort could be video content!
Pinkie: I don’t want to spend two months building a palace and I bump my head all the time! If everything has blocky edges I’d hurt myself a lot! Plus I ‘d have to use a lot of cheats.. unless we find like a very little version of Steve that can just build a huge palace that it seems round it might not be a very good idea.
Ted: Look what I found though it is a tropical Sandstone palace made in Minecraft set on a tropical island! It has a lot of space, and you can completely customise your house! It could be a fun thing to do with some members or Staff as well. You know build Paradise Island in Minecraft! There. Sandstone will keep you cool on hot days but also holds some heat in winter so it is a good way to build a home, it beats making a house of wool blocks and then getting a fire don’t you think!
Pinkie: Wow that’s a pretty palace I’d like to make something like that.. but let’s be honest I do not really have the patience for that. Could we not just imagine this is kind of like my palace?! Just a lot of pinker?! Also who told you about my wool castle?! It still hurts! It was so fluffy! Then it was all gone! Let’s pass on Minecraft for now and wait untill I have enough followers to help me build such a thing!
Stormwind Keep (World of Warcraft)
Phil: Okay this one might be a bit bland for your taste, but it is highly customisable.. It’s built out of mostly white bricks, and has held kings of Stormwind for many generations. It’s also set in a world where cities and castles can fly.. so getting it to Paradise should not be too hard. It comes with a courtyard, throne room and has several rooms that can easily be adapted to suit all your needs, it even has a bit of a protective wall, to keep the simps out! It hasn’t been destroyed as much. Lot’s of rooms and no Toads. It doesn’t come with any staff as most people prefer to be stuck to a Stormwind of the past. There is a lot of time shenanigans with a gnome, it somehow exists in several realms and some of them are pretty dead and we might be able to snipe one of these during a server merge or a Timeweaver event or whatever they are called.
Pinkie: Hmm I don’t dislike Stormwind keep! It does look nice without looking braggy! Those Lionheads can be replaced I assume?! How about the blue roofs can we make them pink Ted?!
Ted: I got into a lot of troubles due to Lionheads so I will happily take this one down .. Stormwind itself has coloured roofs for all districts, the mage district has purple shingles if we sun bleach them those will appear Pink.. .. Would you like to change the Lionhead into an effigy of yourself?
Pinkie: Eeew No! But yeah the Lionhead is a pretty tacky icon.. like .. oh we are a human organisation in a fantasy setting.. lets use blue banners and golden Lions.. .for some reason that is really unoriginal. It is a bit of a bland generic and the castle has that around it as well but.. to be honest it is filled with a lot of characters that are spoofs of other things, so it does really fit! Let’s make an offer! So how much do you think we should offer Phil?!
Phil: Oh don’t worry all we have to do is tweet that Diablo II Remastered will NOT have HD cutscenes.. that should shut down a server or two! It will be cheap! Oh and have you heard about the new subscription plan?! This place will be a steal!
Pinkie: Ahhh Cancel Culture at it’s finest! Now we should go on a hunt for some nice things to customise my new place! Thanks Phil.. Thanks Ted! And thanks to the reader who put up with this entire post! I hope you all shine on little lights! Oyasumi! Oh and if you want to help me in the accessory hunt.. you might want to consider supporting my Kofi!
6 thoughts on “I want a Real Estate on Paradise: Reviewing Video Game Castles”
Here I thought for sure you’d be in the market for a copy of the Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany. I mean, it really is the ultimate fairy castle. Of course, I’m personally fond of the various iterations of Rivendell in Middle Earth, although I also like the Chateau de Chenonceau in France. I’m a water baby. I’d probably customize with an entrance you have to kayak up to 😀 That said, there’s also Matsumoto Castle in Japan. We could repaint it pink. And it is surrounded by Cherry Blossum Trees so we’d get a LOT of pink in spring. Now for my tastes there’s Howls Moving Castle… that’s me all over. And I have a secret longing for the Burrow from Harry Potter books. Ooooo. and maybe something from Morroco with those airy arched halls and center interior gardens – wouldn’t that be wonderful in Paradise? Pesky realtors…
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I chose video game castles, because those are the ones people usually can miss! They get stolen the most or just replaced with other ones! Which means they would be a lot cheaper.
Howls Moving Castle is neat but I think it would be very specific in mainteance xD
The Minecraft palace follows a bit of those themes with open arches , but honestly there is a very good castle that might become the actual Palace.. it’s actually a yu gi oh card called Golden Castle of Stromburg.
It is a castle made out of gold..which might be a bit garish but will look nice in the sun of Paradise and it negates violence and it is based on all fairy tale castles.. I can summon it… and it cost only about $2.50
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Ooooo…I like that one! Shiney!
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I loved this post, it was such a creative and fun idea. The Hyrule Castle one was particularly great.
Thank you so much, and yeah I enjoyed the Hyrule castle one the most myself, but it is fun to think about what all these castles have been trough! Video game real estate suffers a lot!
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