Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie has returned with a new movies and Series Post!
I really love Bob Hoskins Portrayal of Mario, and the weirdness that is the Super Mario Bros movie. I reviewed it myself and gave it an equally strange grade. The super silly movie is great to watch, but let’s be honest it doesn’t have to do a lot with Mario. Yet Mario is also quite difficult to make a movie about. So if I was given the chance to make a movie..given that I would have to make it in 1993. What would I do?! How would I write the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie?
The Super Mario Movie starts with a story about how Dinosaurs ruled our world.. but then a meteorite struck! Claiming , that instead of wiping them out..it created a second world.. an underground world where dinosaurs continued to evolve. I think this concept might actually be usable after a slight repurpose. This time we will have the story about the meteorite happening but this time the narrator will inform us that it wasn’t just a meteorite that crashed into earth that day, it was a star (or a part of a star). a very special star! A power star! When that star crashed on earth it discovered a world hidden beneath hours.. another realm. The Dinosaurs got themselves trapped in that new world. Then we would get a little mention that these stars.. tend to seek each other out.. or that the star wants to be reunited.
I am using these two options because in more modern Mario incarnations, especially in the RPG’s there are several power stars, variations among each RPG and even in some other games, so ideally I’d use that idea! In 1993 with less Mario titles being out it might have to be pieces of a star. For the sake of argument though we will say that we can use the idea of multiple stars as it may have been adapted later on if the movie wasn’t such a huge flop..or at least borrowed from there. Plus Super Mario RPG was only three years away so perhaps a concept was lying about already!
With that said the next scene would replace the one of Daisy being dropped off at the orphanage. This time we see a boy flush his turtle away..we follow it as it ends up in the sewer. It survived and crawled out of a pipe. We see some mushrooms grow on the damp walls near the pipe. Another star crashes in New York city missing the turtles but hitting the mushroom and the sewer pipe. As the pipe begins to glow.. we see the little turtle and the water it came from being sucked back in the pipe.. as the water flow is reversed. When we zoom in on the pipe we see it now grows green..and the mushrooms going next to it have all gone.
Next we would be introduced to Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo! That’s right we are keeping the original cast. In some cases at least! I won’t take this from Bob Hoskins! The whole plumber skitt would happen but rather than be a conspiracy theorist Luigi is more of a scaredy cat. He saw a report on a meteor strike in New York (x) many years ago. The documentary would say it was covered up and Luigi would be scared of such an incident ever happening again. The boys would get a job but Scarpelli’s men would get there first like in the original stealing the job from the plumbers. This time there would be no digsite. Instead Luigi and Mario and Mario’s girlfriend.. Pauline (instead of Daniella) would talk about losing the job to Scarpelli! To which a strange old man tells he is opening a hotel, in an abandoned building, that has been abandoned ever since that weird event (x) years ago. This professor would kind of like professor E.Gadd and the hotel itself a reference to both Luigi’s Mansion as a series and Hotel Mario. I know it’s 1993 and E.Gadd was not invented yet ..but it will still work as just a plot point if he is just an old strange man.. I just made it a cameo for my fellow time travellers.
Scarpelli and his crew would not take any bigger role in this .. they are just to get Mario and Luigi to another job.. working for an odd ball they would normally refuse. While in the hotel they can hear some strange noises coming from the basement and Luigi acts afraid, thinking it might be ghosts. Mario tells him to shape up as the pair heads to the basement.. They notice there is no water and the only way to turn it on is to enter the sewer grate just outside the soon to be hotel. When they check the pipes they notice the water IS turned on.. but for some reason it is just not flowing. Luigi then discovers the pipe with the water flowing backwards still glowing green. Both look surprised as another star crashes near them, which spooks luigi and he falls into the water.. and gets sucked up in the green pipe. Mario is intrigued and picks up the star, puts it away and rather than jump into the water jumps towards the pipe.. and gets pulled in as well. We hear the iconic warp pipe sound as we get a trippy travel between worlds,
The Mushroom Kingdom
The next thing Mario sees is a clear blue sky as the pipe spits him out in a body of water in a grassy environment with a brick road close by! The grassy windows xp looking grassy hills nearby seem to have eyes? Then he hears Luigi screaming! Mario runs toward him and sees both Luigi and a tiny little dude with a little Mushroom dude screaming in Panic, played by Verne Troyer.. we will get an actual Toad in an actual Mushroom Kingdom! No Cyberpunk world here! But a world that actually looks like the Mushroom Kingdom. Think Classic Wizard of Oz look! The blue skies.. actual turn out to be blue glowing mushrooms covering some underground cave walls. After Mario slapped Luigi he mans up a bit and realizes Toad is asking for help! His village is under attack.
Mario agrees to help the little guy, grabbing plunger and wrench as they make their way to the village! Now here casting restraints show up! We can’t cgi to many fake toads, unless we oompa loompa it but since toads are skin coloured it might look too fake, so instead we get normal citizens.. but all have either a mushroom cap or some element of mushroom to them! They are attacked by two human goons with some facial prosthetics to give them a more beak-like mouth and on the back of them is a green and red shell! They replace the goons of the original movie so they can be played by the same actors. Looking more inhumane, however this time around in the real world Scarpelli and associates resemble these guys, to give a nice pair of rivals for Mario and Luigi! They claim they are coming to collect (x) coins taxes for King Koopa unless the Princess gives up her Star. Mario thinks he sees Scarpelli snaps and lashed out! Even Luigi helps! In a tavern brawl style with plumber tools our heroes come out victorious.. who by the way are already in their Iconic gear, as is their plumber uniform, no red and yellow dinner jackets… The Koopa Brothers swear that next time they will bring their hammers and will take care of them next time. Toad explains that these are Red and Green Koopa… also known as the Hammer Bros.
Of course rescuing the village would get Mario and Luigi invited by Princess Toadstool which still can be played by Samantha Mathiss. Toad can go as well. The princess baked a cake for them, Mario and Luigi ask for Spaghetti but the Princess doesn’t know what it is! She awards them a Mushroom, that when consumed helps them in their time of need. It will make them stronger. Mario hates mushrooms and Luigi likes them. As Mario gets his Mushroom, something in his pockets glow as well as a gem around princess Toadstools neck! She looks surprised but an explosion draws their attention. Bowser/King Koopa stands there with Red and Green Koopa who wield the SNES super scope that was used as the devolution gun in the original, this time painted black. They shoot out a Bullet Bill with arms that grab Mario and Luigi sending them through a window! Bowser, still played by Dennis Hopper laughs at their screams and says Monkeys! Then he turns to Peach and tells her Game Over Princess!
Quest in Koopa Kingdom
The two brothers land in a desert, trying to make their way back to the palace and during their trip they encounter the Mushroom version of Professor E.Gadd or in 1993 a random scientist. Played by Christopher Lloyd, cause he was the weird scientist back then. He lives out in the desert because his house was haunted but he is working on clearing it out. Luigi tells Mario he knew the hotel was haunted. For rescuing Peach however the professor gives them the jumping shoes from the original, and a hammer as a weapon! In trade of their plumbing tools, which he never saw before.
When the duo gets back to the castle, they find it abandoned except for a hiding Toad, he tells Mario he knows where they took the princess, a dark fort in the Koopa Kingdom, and he saw the enemies left through a pipe! Not far away. The group travels there together and we see them learn to use their new weapons and jumping shoes through a fair few challenges, defeating a few Koopa’s but as they draw closer to the fortress Toad begins to act more shady. Nervously looking around. The heroes don’t notice because that’s how Hollywood works. They make their way through the fortress in a Indiana Jones like fashion, with the castle being a trapped tomb. Singed and injured the two arrive at the end of the tomb where they have to fight Red and Green Koopa, which ends rather anticlimactic! Despite them tossing hammers this time.. using their jumpy shoes Mario and Luigi outmatched them badly. There they find all the coins Koopa stole from the people..and a tied up Mushroom girl… no princess. Toad looks ashamed and tells them he is sorry but the Princess is in another castle
He explains while loving his ruler, he needed the money back as did the other mushroom folks and if King Koopa was defeated his goons would run off with the money. Toad and his girlfriend will bring the money back to the village, Mario should save his Princess now. A montage follows of Mario and Luigi traversing the next fort looking even more hurt! At the end they see King Koopa on the edge of a lava bridge! The princess caged behind him. He reveals that there are seven stars each having a power of their own. His star can make him Immortal! As such he lived for millions of years, so long he could evolve himself.. but he can also move back. He then grows his Spikey shell and bulks up as he breathes fire. Hitting Luigi, down for the count Luigi smells baked mushrooms, his favourite and eats it! This makes him buff up and have a grapple fight with Bowser holding him down.
Luigi tells Mario to use that function on the Hammer and jump over Bowser! Mario jumps over Bowser but thr monster leaps up for a moment, seeming to impale Mario on his spikey shell! A single drop of blood can be seen rolling from Bowsers shell, a shocked Luigi and Peach stare at the shell, then crank a smile! We see Bowser shell again, no more blood rolls across but rather a rainbow light effect! Bowser looks surprises as Luigi leaps back! “Your Star may make you immortal Bowser, Mine makes me invisible” Mario says, he then kicks off from Bowser’s shell and he and Luigi press a button on the bottom of their hammer. It changes into an axe! Bowser pleads for mercy but the two axes chop down the bride as Bowser falls into the lava he had used to warm his Dinosaur Blood. We see his hand come up from the lava one more time.. but to no avail. Bowser is dead.
The Princess is rescued and Bowser’s star floats towards them. Luigi jumps across and boosts to far, stumbling into a room where he finds a white egg with green dots. He asks if it should be tossed in the lava but Peach tells him not too! He star has the power to heal.. so she heals Mario and Luigi , they go back to the Mushroom Kingdom where Mario gives up his star! Peach promises to keep them safe! Mario and Luigi should return to their own world, but that soon she will invite them for a new cake! They find the warp pipe that leads them home being waved goodbye by the Mushroom people and Peach, clutching the Egg. It hatches and also sees Mario and Luigi leave! Peach names the baby, Yoshi.
One year later appears on screen. Mario is taking his girlfriend Pauline to the Zoo, Luigi is there along with Toad who is wearing a disguise as a kid. Pauline remarks that Mario could have worn something else than his working outfit, he refuses, this is the gear of a Mario brother. He and Luigi Fistbump in front of the Gorilla cave.. the sign shows this Gorilla’s name is Donkey Kong. Toad noticed one of Mario’s boots is untied..as he bends over a Mushroom falls out his pocket, snatched by the Gorilla hand. The screen goes black, metal bars snap and Pauline yells.. we here the Iconic Game start sound of the arcade game play as we enter the credit roll.
And that my friends is how I would have made the Super Mario Bros 1993 movie whilst also setting up a possible Mario Cinematic universe. No actors would be recast with the exception of Koopa’s secretary and King Fungus, but they would be cast as random mushroom city citizens. Everybody wins! How would YOU make the Super Mario Bros Movie (as restricted per the 90’s ) ? Would you go see my Mario Movie (provided that some costumes look a bit better than my photoshops) let me know in the comments while I go do some research for my Kirby in Dreamland adaptation. Because Remember…..Friendship is Magic, but Dreams are even more wonderful! Oyasumi!
3 thoughts on “What if Princess Pinkie Wrote: The Super Mario Bros (1993) Movie”
I love the roll over at the end leaving it open ended for the sequel… And thank you for keeping John Leguizamo – because I have a terrific crush on the beautiful boy he was at that age. I pretty well thought that was the best part of the original right there – the casting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I loved the casting as well so I would never replace them.. well okay I replaced.. Toad.. but the original actor still gets to play a mushroom villager.
And well especially for you.. there is a hulked out John Leguizamo in this version.. so open shirt extra muscles.. and after that he goes back to his cute normal self. Double the fun!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw I kinda like ’em skinny and boyish 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person