Crouching Tiger, Hidden Sadness

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Recently I’ve been traveling off the island quite a bit. The pools have maintained their chlorine freshness with the help of my faithful companion, Cookie. For a few fish and cigarettes a day he doesn’t mind cleaning out the filters and even performs a little Sea Lion show for the guests in the afternoon.

So on these long turbulent flights back home to try to take my mind off of Monsoon season I usually comb through the movie section aboard each flight. Most flights have the same movies and almost all of them are bullshit. They know it and you know it. But what are you going to do? Not watch them? Stare at the suspicious guy two rows over for eleven hours? Sleep? HA! Right.

But on a red eye back to Paradise from Siberia West I found myself basically alone in the cabin with drink in hand and my headphones plugged into the auxiliary jack. I had found an old favorite. A movie that I fell in love with so many years ago. (A movie I actually paid for on Pay-Per-View back in the day). The feudal Chinese fantasy, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Let’s spend this space celebrating Ang Lee’s cinematic achievement, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon based on the novel of the same name written by Chinese author, Wang Dulu.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is actually book four of five in Dulu’s Crane-Iron Series. Crane-Iron being named after the first characters in the first and last installments of the series. The series’ five novels chronicle the struggles of four generations of youxia (simplified Chinese: 游侠; traditional Chinese: 遊俠), often translated as wandering heroes. Each novel contains elements which link it with the others. (Wikipedia)

He did not write the novel for it to become this game

Wang is not only considered a pioneer of the modern wuxia genre but a writer that perfected it. Wuxia is a genre of Chinese fiction that literally translates to, “Martial Heroes”. Usually blending fantasy with martial arts and romance – characters are often from lower social classes and are driven by chivalry or righteousness.

Born Wang Baoxiang 王葆祥 in Beijing 1909 he was said to have written as many as fifty novels between 1931 and 1949. Thirty six of those novels being wuxia novels. Sadly after the Chinese civil war Wang was denounced as “reactionary literarti” by the ruling Communist party and sentenced to hard farm labor where he would die from an unknown illness.

Wang’s legacy in the west was cemented by Taiwanese screenwriter and Director Ang Lee’s adaption of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Ang Lee OBS is a cinematic powerhouse. Born in Pingtung County, Southern Taiwan he was educated in both Taiwan and the United States. His works have found international acclaim and he is a critically and commercially celebrated writer and director. His notable works include: Life of Pi, Sense and Sensibility, Hulk, and Brokeback Mountain. Aside from winning a multitude of awards he has also been awarded the Order of Brilliant Star – the second highest civilian award bestowed on citizens by the Government of Taiwan.

He did not direct the movie for it to become this game.

In 1995 the LA Times named one man, “The coolest actor in the world”. It wasn’t Samuel L Jackson or Speed Star, Keanu Reeves. It was the face of Gun-Fu. Total-stoic-badass-John Woo-regular, Chow Yun-Fat.

Chow Yun-Fat did not come from nothing to be in this game

Born in Pok Liu island, British Hong Kong, Chow Yun-Fat SBS was raised by his mother Chan Lai -Fong, a cleaning lady and vegetable farmer and his father Chow Yung-Wan who worked on a Shell oil tanker. He grew up in a farming community with no electricity waking up early each morning to help his mother sell herbal jelly and work in the fields during the afternoons.

At 17, he took odd jobs to help the family any way he could. It was around this time his actor-trainee application was accepted by the local television station. He was signed to a three year contract and made his acting debut in 1980. Working his way through TV as a rising star and heart throb and on to the silver screen with John Woo Chow Yun- Fat has carved himself an extraordinary career. Even being awarded the Silver Bauhinia Star – the second highest rank star in the honors system of Hong Kong. Awarded to those who have taken a leading part in public affair or voluntary work for a long period of time.

Starring alongside Chow Yun-Fat in the film is the dazzling, Michelle Yeoh PSM. Ranked the “greatest action heroine of all time” by Rotten Tomatoes in 2008 – Michelle Yeoh – known for performing her own stunts and fight scenes has been dominating screens for nearly four decades.

Behind that smile is a stone cold killer that has already killed the game’s developers and soon me for bringing the game back up.

Born in Malaysia, Michelle Yeoh Choo-Kheng PSM to Janet Yeoh and Yeoh Kian Teik, a lawyer and MCA politician respectively. At an extraordinarily young age Yeoh was keen on dance and began ballet by the age of four. In her teens her parents and her would move to the United Kingdom where she would attend UK’s Royal Academy of Dance.

A natural beauty at the age of 20, Yeoh won the miss Malaysia beauty pageant and even move on in competition to win an international, “Queen of the Pacific” pageant. But she is hardly a delicate flower. She has cultivated a reputation for a legendary work ethic, and expertise in choreography. She would become world renowned not only for her acting prowess but her physical capability as well.

I was going to go even further on about the lovely accomplishments of both Zhang Ziyi and Chang Chen but do we even have to? Did either of them work their entire lives only to have their likeness exploited in this dumpster fire on disc?

The answer is no. No they didn’t and none of these people deserve this. These are real human beings with real feelings and aspirations. They don’t deserve this. No one does.

FANCY VIDEO INTRO

There really isn’t that much I can say that I haven’t already said about really sad games before. What is extra infuriating about this game is that:

1.) It’s actually based on a good movie. Most aren’t.

2.) The movie’s fight scenes are breathtaking. The movie literally has done everything for you. All you have to do is take a super entertaining movie fight to watch and add buttons.

I mean.. HOW can you fuck this up?? They’re like three back drops in the entire game.And yes I understand that a majority of the film takes place in the same area but is it so absurd to ask a room full of writers – whom I would have assumed enjoyed the movie (before I played the game) to use their stupid imaginations and get creative with the game’s plot??

Instead of playing the same exact three areas with three different characters like nine times maybe we could branch out a bit? Like say I don’t know – make the game about Jen’s eventual trek to Mount Wudang? Boom. There ya go, guys! Make a game about that. Fucking idiots.

But fine – say they had to follow the film to a tee. That’s fine to. Just do a better job at it. When the game begins it doesn’t introduce anyone – or anything. It assumes you already saw the movie and thrusts you into a hoard of stupid AI ninjas that constantly swarm and overbear you because the controls are fucking impossible.

Even when you do somehow learn how to defend yourself and awkwardly jump from wall to wall – none of it is remotely fun. I spent hours with this game and aside from mounting frustration I felt absolutely nothing at all. I’ve had more fun sitting at the DMV next to crying children.

In fact this game was so bad – I have felt nothing since. It has taken all of my abilities to feel anything away. Maybe it’s for the better.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

If a general overwhelming sense of sadness isn’t quite your enough then fear not! Like most things the internet also has overpriced copies of the game – the perfect way to find yourself on that long road to financial ruin completing your self loathing sadism.

But really- the game can be found at bargain bin prices – around $3-5. The insane part to me, however is the DVD of the movie itself can be found even cheaper! Which is a crime against humanity.

If you absolutely must – I suggest buying the DVD of this film and holding a game controller while you watch it.

DESERT ISLAND SONG

PERIWINKLE’S LOWING HANGING FRUIT PUNCH INGREDIENTS

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One blood stained trucker hat. (Silent Hill: Origins)

11.) One handful of crushed Peony petals (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

For survival horror, retro sports and more shit check out my site or spam me on social media!

Paradise Hill: Origins

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE HILL

… I never really understood how I got there until long after I was already apart of the town. The last thing I remember is seeing Cookie walk into a fog. I followed in after him wondering where he was off to. He seemed quiet and more focused than usual. Eventually the fog grew so thick I could barely see directly in front of me. I called out for Cookie to no response.

It felt like I had been walking for days. Eventually the sand of the beach turned into asphalt and I began following the lonely white road line to keep some sense of direction. It felt as though I was traveling in dream years. So quickly through time that it gave the illusion of time itself standing still. When all at once the silhouette of a sign jutted out through the mist.

“WELCOME TO PARADISE HILL”

That was a few weeks ago I believe. But it could have been years ago. Time is a concept very rarely regarded in Paradise Hill. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry. I stood with the letter in my hand. I couldn’t believe it. The letter read:

“NOTICE OF EVICTION”

I stood shocked. I had fallen in love with the town. No traffic, no lines, no one to bother me. The fog made certain things and people a bit harder to see but really, once you got used to squinting all the time it was quite the destination. It had all of the makings and charm of your typical north west lumber town.

Nurses between shifts walking down the road together. I seem to see the same group every day after I wake up, hop out of bed and take a shower in Paradise Motel. “Hi ladies! Working hard or hardly working?” They always seem to get a kick out of it.

When I did leave the motel room in it was in short bursts. Run to the corner store and pick up a six pack – stop at the diner and use the kitchen to cook up a couple of steaks and then stroll merrily back through the blurry black and white white fog to my hotel room. Occasionally outside some loud fire siren would go off and it’d start to get dark outside but i never seemed to have an issue with it.

Just like anywhere else – you keep to yourself and no one tends to bother you. Not even in Paradise Hill. Until now.

As I read the eviction notice the board of directors at Paradise Hills sited a few reasons for my cause of eviction:

1.) LACK OF LODGING EXPENSES PAID: It’s true. I wasn’t paying rent. I mean no one ever asked. One time some guy with a huge hat knocked on the door and just sort of stood there and walked off. But I didn’t know if he was the landlord or just a creeper.

2.) THEFT OF GOODS AND SERVICES:

– (5) Welcome to Paradise Hill gift shop shirts

– (16) Six packs of Paradise Hill Ale

– (2) Bottles of sexual lubricant

– (1) Copy of The Titanic

– (1) Copy of Silent Hill: Origins

3.) FAILURE TO FACE YOUR OWN INNER DEMONS/ BE CREEPED OUT

Mr Winkle. Please – keep the goods you have procured and please leave town immediately. You are no longer welcome here at majestic Paradise Hill. Also your Sea Lion has been returned to your home safely. Please do not speak to any one on your way out as you have been creeping out the other residents for quite some time now.

Sincerely,

PARADISE HILL TOWN HALL

I packed up all my belongings as some beautiful sad music began playing from no where and I backpacked out of town. As I was on the outskirts of town I heard cheers of celebration. But before long I saw the bright lights and sights of Paradise again. Like a tilt-a-whirl through the dark. As I walked through the crowd no one seemed to notice me.

It dawned on me that I was now trapped in Paradise Hill forever. I was free to travel across the globe but no one would ever see me again. Only maybe being able to detect my presence here and there like that one movie with Sean Bean in it.

Baddest Bean on the planet.

Which I was completely fine with. I began to think of the possibilities of my new invisible life. I could sneak into Area 51 and finally figure out what the hell that place was all about. I could get into concerts for free. I could haunt people! This was going to be great. But my first mark was a hot dog stand I saw off the path near the coconut’s huts. I grabbed a roll and reached in the hot water and grabbed a hot dog. I slapped it into the bun and took a bite. Ah. Delicious hot dog stand hot dogs. Disgusting and delicious and now free for the rest of m-

“You gonna pay for that?”

Turns out I wasn’t invisible. And I wasn’t getting free hot dogs for the rest of my life. I walked home.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: March 4 2008

Developer: Climax Action (Sudeki, The Italian Job)

Published: Konami

Well back to reality and really sad gaming. Today, we have a case of a game that might have been alright if it wasn’t associated with such a strong franchise. I also sort of wanted to use this opportunity to explain what little work that does actually go into these posts and the sad consequences that result from playing (generally) nothing but bad games all of the time.

Not pictured: The Cry Hole that I crawl into after hours of bad gaming.
Shelves of despair

When Pinkie and I had a check in conversation (now that she has a palace built it’s become a whole event with feasts and festivities etc) she asked what I was working on. I told her I was planning on starting Silent Hill: Origins. She responded with, “isn’t that the really bad one?”

Which surprisingly it’s not the really bad one. It’s just not a really good one. Which sums up this game perfectly. If it were named anything else it would probably be considered a forgotten but slightly above average survival horror game – starts off kind of lame, picks up and ends in an absolutely nonsensical way. Put the words Silent Hill on the case however and now you’re looking at a lackluster experience.

In the game you start off as rootin’ tootin’ truck driver, Travis Grady. He’s driving his MAC Truck getting his kicks off Route 66 and all that when he spots a little girl in the road. He swerves to avoid her (as most human beings tend to do) and stops to get out and investigate the scene. Looking for the lost child, he sees her approaching from behind him in his rear view mirror only to disappear which scares the shit out of him but certainly doesn’t deter him from abandoning his vehicle and walking miles and miles in a thick fog in the middle of the road.

Eventually this leads Travis to a house fire. He spots some weird broad hanging out by the burning house and runs in because of course he does. And he rescues some kid that’s torched like a marshmallow. Eventually passing out – he awakes in Silent Hill to go search for the french fry kid and madness ensues.

Now, if I may – first off – I am a Daughter Daddy. She is the light of my life. When my wife was pregnant I think I surprised her by crossing my fingers and hoping for a daughter and we were lucky enough to get a bright, beautiful, healthy little lady. I fucking love that kid. BUT – I have watched enough scary movies to know that if I’m out in the middle of no where and some creepy little girl is hanging around – I’M NOT FOLLOWING HER. I DON’T CARE. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Alright, with that out of the way lets cover a couple of things that this game does really nicely. The sound effects and soundtrack are top notch – Silent Hill quality. Like all other SH soundtracks, composed by the master, Akira Yamaoka. The absolute badass Thom Yorke-esque dark genius of video game soundtracks. The sound effects and music are unnerving and uncomfortable – aptly suited for the atmosphere.

I want to recommend this game so much more but it breaks my own personal cardinal sin of gaming: difficulty due to controls. There is nothing I hate more than fighting a game more than the story or gameplay itself.

Controls and saboteur camera angles are what takes this Silent Hill entry out at the knees. The storyline and voice acting isn’t seminal by any stretch of the imagination but it’s not noteworthy poor. The puzzles are weak and there is a lot of backtracking (RE style) – also not a lot of actual area to explore. For an open town the game has you on rails for a good majority of it.

Camera angles that can really get in your head

The game does certain things right but it does so many little things wrong that it begins to become a serious distraction. The small unnecessary changes are enough to anger longtime fans. The nurses now see and react to noise/light/everything – just another static sprite that is easy to avoid but lacks any of their signature creepiness.

You can pick up large heavy objects to toss at monsters – which is cool – but kind of pulls you out of it as you go through your inventory and realize that your character is carrying twelve portable TVs, three filing cabinets, sixteen I.V. drip bag stands and six different guns. I am not a huge fan of Resident Evil’s death-by-no-inventory-space strategy but how many fax machines can one guy hold?

Not to mention you don’t even really need weapons most of the time. The ability to punch your enemies is overpowered for a survival horror game. I have beat up so many nurses in the past week I could star in my own episode of COPS.

Bottom line: Please for the love of all things holy – Konami – if you are going to outsource one of your flagship franchises please let it be to Kojima Productions. I don’t give a shit what beef you guys have. Figure it out and lets do this.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Now here is where it gets tricky. To be frank, even the bad games I adore. I just love playing games. I love buying them, I love looking at my horrible collection of bargain bin trash just as much as any rare games I find. Like little trophies made from melted garbage can lids. They’re mine and I absolutely enjoy playing and writing about them.

Generally, on this blog I deal almost exclusively with cheap games. This game? Not very cheap. Luckily for me, I purchased this years ago before everything Silent Hill exploded in price online.

I would never, ever tell anyone what to buy or what not to buy. I wouldn’t even judge anyone for buying Rule of Rose for $16,999. I mean, I would hope you would find it cheaper but whatever at the end of the day it’s your money, you work hard for it, you spend it on whatever you want.

Right now it looks like it’s averaging about $110-120 on eBay.

Is it worth $2300? I’d have to give it a hard, “no.” But I clean pools for a princess that pays me in bad games – so you do you. I would suggest checking out eStarland or Lukie Games over bid sites for collector’s series games like Silent Hill. There are a ton of gougers that will buy everything up just to raise prices even higher upon resell THUS continually driving up market prices for regular gamers like you and I. Dicks.

DESERT ISLAND SONG

The classic that can get anyone in the mood. Even if it’s for Origins:

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One blood stained trucker hat. (Silent Hill: Origins)

Suggestions? Requests? Send me a message!

The Haunted Mansion on Paradise Island

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

When I was young my father told me there was a curse in my family. He told me to never tell any of my friends at school because everyone would laugh at me and call us crazy. Very seriously he sat me down and explained to me that he sees ghosts. I believed him then and believe him to this day because now, I see them too.

The conversation and sentiment itself haunted me for years. It rattled around the passages of my brain like little pac-man ghosts just before I’d fall asleep. Then one day well into adulthood I had finally understood what he meant.

I was driving down the road one summer afternoon and I saw a friend of mine walking by himself that had passed away years before. He was an old boss of mine and of a very distinct build. He was about 6’4 and heavier set. Bald, thin gold rimmed glasses and bearded. A bit of a hunched back but strong as an ox. We locked eyes as I drove by and he too seemed to have stopped in his tracks. Don had been dead for close to five years at the time. So what the hell was he doing walking down the street?

I was so convinced and baffled I pulled over to the side of the road. I looked in my rear view mirror. There he was walking down the road alone seemingly toward my car. I pinched myself. Was I dreaming? I waited for him to pass by as I held my breath staring. Somewhat awkwardly a man who looked nothing like him passed by my car noticing my weird behavior. It wasn’t Don at all. I had successfully stalked a random grown man who was about six minutes away from kicking my ass.

Probably a bit crazy, with a bit of an out of control imagination and lack of healthy coping skills would probably explain the “ghostly encounters” I’ve had from time to time. As I get older more and more reminds me of my past and it’s rarely anything to be afraid of.

So when I received my orders from the Palace to investigate a newly unearthed haunted mansion in the forest on the island I wasn’t shaken in the least. Ghosts and spirits are only as dangerous as you allow them to be. Even 999 of them.

Friday afternoon I swung by Indigo’s hut and left him a couple of big T-Bone steaks, Turkey Legs, Mead – all things the Viking types love as a thank you for taking care of my pool duties over the weekend. I was packed and ready to spend the weekend investigating the history of this mystery mansion. Ever curious for a glimpse into the after life I was on my way – alone. Cookie wanted to go with me but I had to convince him I’d be alright alone. I even had to throw some fish in the other direction to distract him.

It took me most the afternoon with compass in hand before I had arrived at the dilapidated mansion in the thick of the forest. But the forest wasn’t much of a forest and the dilapidated mansion wasn’t very dilapidated. In fact – while it might have been haunted – this place was anything but abandoned.

Out of my price range.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the mansion a man watches over dozens of monitors with cameras all over the property. Glaring at the screens he asks himself, Who is this little man with glasses and child bearing hips? As far as Albert knew Umbrella Corporation said that this island was abandoned. Had they landed on the wrong island? Ah too late now. He decided to introduce this unwelcome visitor to his first devastating line of defense. “Take this” he said aloud as he let out a deep laugh and pushed a red button.

If you’re going to be evil do yourself a solid and get some cool sunglasses.

“Ick – is that poison ivy?” I asked myself. I had been examining a strange logo towards the front gate. It looked super familiar but I just couldn’t place it.

Looks pleasant enough.

As I was examining the logo I heard an electric current coming from the ground as I stepped back not knowing what to expect. The ground in front of me cracked open. Just a tiny little hole and a little pole came shooting out. As the pole retracted – a sign unfolded.

“NO TRESPASSING – PLEASE ~ UC”

As I stared at the sign a little camera on top looked me up and down. I imagined some beefy security guard ready to mess me up (still shell shocked from the Seemingly immortal security guards of Trigger Man) Did I travel all this way just to be deterred by a “No Trespassing” sign?

There was a small speaker at the bottom of the sign to speak into. I held the button down.

“..Hello?”

Albert Wesker stared at this pudgy little man in a purple suit and sighed. He took his signature sunglasses off and rubbed his temples. If the “No Trespassing” sign wouldn’t stop this maniac than what could? He looked around the security room and thought of something.

– still pressing the button on and off –

“ Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Echooooo echoooooo echooooooooooooo. I’m going to trespass! You better stop me. I’m here to see some ghosts. Ya hear me? I’m gonna do it! Ya hear?”

Wesker looks at the camera to see the silly man stretching his leg in the air past the sign and then putting it down on the ground.

“There. I did it! Told you I would! You’ve been tre-passed upon”

Suddenly the sound of another electric current and now a larger retractable pole came out of the ground. This with a small black box on top. A voice came out of a speaker in it.

“Hey idiot. There are no ghosts here. If you must know his is a zombie mansion, bozo!”

Now I’d be lying if I were to say self doubt wasn’t becoming a serious issue for me at this time. So I resigned to cutting my losses BUT I didn’t want to leave empty handed and almost as if the trespassing sign could read my thoughts the voice proceeded:

“Hey idiot. I know you’re going to ask for some sort of souvenir because you’re a simple, disgusting little creature. So open the box and there you will find all that you need. And then get out of my face. Now where did I put-

Souvenirs!? I no longer cared what this guy had to say. Toys? Tshirts? FOOD!??!? Opening the box I found three things. A copy of The Haunted Mansion with a sticky note that said, “for your ghost hunting needs.” Next I found a t-shirt that said, “I got infected by the T-Virus and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.” I didn’t know what the hell the T-Virus was – I’m not a scientist. I could not care less. But I could always use more clothes. The last thing I found was some weird vial that looked like it had some like weird red spiral thingy in it. Looked sorta spicy – might add it to some chili or taco night or something.

Happy with my bounty I clicked the TALK button and thanked my new friend for the game, shirt and red sauce. He started shouting something but I was running out of daylight and started to head back. Didn’t see any ghosts but maybe I would tonight – as I dip into The Haunted Mansion.

New And Improved Video Introduction

Released: October 14 2003

Developed by: High Voltage Software (Lego Racers, COD 2: Big Red One)

Published by: TDK (whom would fold and be purchased by 2k)

It’s important to note right away that The Haunted Mansion is based on the actual ride at Disney World and not the Eddie Murphy film which happened to ALSO be released in 2003 and was based on the ride as well.

In short – the video game was much better received critically than the film. Even though I love me some Jennifer Tilly.

I wish I had a big glass ball with Jennifer Tilly in it. Wait that came out weird.

The game features none of the likenesses or anything you would have thought would be in it because it wasn’t until after I purchased it that I realized it’s not based on the film adaption. Which ultimately is for the better. So instead of Jennifer Tilly playing the role of Madame Leota it is voice actress, Lisa Donahey – who could win a Kathy Bates voice imitator of the year award for her work in the game.

Regardless of the heavy southern drawl and the constant reminder that this mansion is located in the Deep South of Louisiana the voice acting is really good. Light, fun and convincing. A level of quality you would expect from just about any Disney product. But unfortunately the game does have some audio flaws despite superb voice acting. The soundtrack will cut out randomly and muddle at times. The sound effects can also get pretty redundant and ear splitting if you’re a headphones player like myself.

Sound issues aside this game is pure fun. Obviously with the exception of an occasional jump-scare as far as horror games go The Haunted Mansion is toothless. But it doesn’t make it any less fun.

Full of challenges and a huge mansion to explore. Whacky characters and easy to learn controls this game was a super entertaining and enjoyable spook fest. Highly recommended for fans of 90’s Halloween comedy like Hocus Pocus and Casper

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Used on eStarland this is going for bargain bin prices. Hovering around $3.50. That’s pretty in tune with what I’ve seen on eBay. There is a brand new copy going for $37 dollars still sealed so this game right now has little to no resell or collectors value. But for the price you can’t beat the entertainment factor. I’m glad I own it and I would definitely suggest for my fellow retro enthusiasts for a fun game towards Halloween.

PERIWINKLE’s GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS:

1.) One liter of jet fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)

2.) A crystal ball with a southern lady’s head in it (The Haunted Mansion)

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

“If dreams are like movies than memories are films about ghosts”

What is your favorite playful scary movie? Any games you play every Halloween? Let us know.

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Meeting God in Shattered Skies

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Another week on Paradise – which means more pool cleaning, lawn mowing and preparation for coconut tourist season. But this week a different task led me down a dramatically different path than usual.

It all started with orders from the top (as it normally does). However, instead of a bad game frisbeed through my hut window like normal there was just a map of the island, a small note from Princess Pinkie and a pair of Power Bracelets left at the breakfast bar. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in. My guard Dog/Sea Lion, Cookie had spent the night at the reef somewhere off the coast with one of his girlfriends.

“HEAVY. ROCK. LIFT. MOVE. 🦆”

I sipped my coffee and held the note. The morning had started off rare as it was. I woke up in a green tunic. Which I chalked up to a combination of too much to drink the night before and laundry day.

Second, earlier that morning there was a bright large bug that kept yelling, “HEY” at me trying to wake me up. Eventually – completely irritated – I arose and squared up with the bug and boxed it. After punching it out of the air I tossed it’s strange, unconscious faerie body in the garbage can outside and laid back down.

Now there was this note. Rarely did I exchange much correspondence with the palace as is. I’ve always been the self motivated type. Wandering around the island looking for things to fix up. Generally assuming if I’m found busy my employers will almost always be happy. But a personal request – this was different. And the Power Bracelets looked badass. So equipped with my newly found gauntlets and tight-but-comfortable-green-tunic I set off towards the boulder that must be moved.

Upon arrival I saw the large rock that needed moving. There were some strange plants around it. They looked like cartoon bombs 💣 growing out of some weeds. I assumed they must be some sort of land mines left over from the war – Princess Diana did her best to have all land mines removed and eradicated from ex-war-zones but Paradise is a bit out of the way. They must have missed a few.

I, personally am not fucking with a bomb of an undetermined age sticking out of the ground. So I avoided them. Maybe I’ll put some caution tape around the area once I move around them and get this rock out of here. In other words: bomb disposal : outside my pay grade.

So removing the rock itself was extremely anticlimactic. I just lifted it over my head and tossed it. These gauntlets are excellent quality. The startling thing was this strange music I heard from everywhere around me as I lifted the rock. I quickly realized that by moving the rock I had exposed a hole. A seemingly bottomless pit.

Despite everything in my body telling me this was a mistake I decided to jump down the hole anyways because fuck it – why not. And I’m glad I did. I landed softly on a mirrored pad – where I heard a gorgeous harp – the sound of a running fountain and a relaxing, disarming ambience. I, was sure I was in the company of pure good.

As I approached I heard a powerful roar. A voice so beautiful and strong – easily the strength of a choir of people singing from the depths quickly approaching the fountains surface until completely breaking through the still water. A giant faerie? Or a giant god? Or the… unbelievably talented singer songwriter, Chris Cornell??

Chris Cornell emerged from the faerie fountain completely dry and all knowing. It wasn’t until now that I realized one of my favorite singers of all time sort of already had a Jesus look going on for awhile on his own.

His voice soft but firm.

Cornell: Periwinkle – I have been watching you from afar.

Me: Mr. Cornell – Why… I’m .. so… flattered.

Cornell: Of course you are. You have projected me. You wouldn’t pick someone you don’t like to be a faerie God…I mean.. think about it…

– Silence –

Me: Yeah. Yeah I s’pose you’re right.

Cornell: ANYWAYS… let’s see .. where was I – alright… As I was saying. *Clears Throat* Periwinkle – I have watched your self destruction from afar. It’s finally time, son.

Me: It’s time to move on? I can come with you? I have been waiting for thi-

Cornell: No! What’s the matter with you. You’re not going anywhere. It’s time for you to play a good game, finally.

Me: Oh. Well.. yeah, of course…

Cornell: Between back to back terrible titles like City Crisis and Trigger Man your heart meter is so low. Which is why I’m here. To provide comfort to weary travelers. Let me blow the life back into you.

Me: Wait.. wha – … like a ..sexual thing?

Cornell: No. Definitely not a sexual thing.

—- Neither makes eye contact for what seems like forever ——-

Cornell: I was going for like a game cartridge thing. Like when it wouldn’t work –

Me: Yeah, yeah I get it.

Cornell: But, anyways! You have suffered selflessly enough for the coconuts on Paradise. Trudging through horrible games to warn the visitors and retro enthusiasts on Paradise of the perils of bargain bin gaming. What games to avoid. Selflessly diving on grenades to save the masses. It’s time to treat yourself, son.

Me: This means so much… what game can make me love again? Can you, Grammy Award winning multi-instrumentalist, Chris Cornell show a guy like me how to live?

Cornell: Young Periwinkle – I can only steer you in the right direction. I can recharge your hearts and give you one single title to get you back on track. After that your destiny is in your own hands. Before I leave I suggest you take that bottle over there and make sure you bottle a little golden mini me as well. In case you ever find yourself dealing with Trigger Man level of incompetence in the future again.

I heard the flute noise and felt my energy being restored. *Flick flick flick flick* ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Golden Chris Cornell Faerie God also handed me a copy of Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies.

I grabbed the empty bottle and put a tiny Golden Chris Cornell inside it for later use. The floating Cornell smiled at the new lease on my gaming life.

With my arms out stretched over my head a floating bottle with a tiny golden statuette rest in it. You have acquired a Golden Cornell. Let him free to recharge your energy and soul.

Chris Cornell: Now before I go, son. Do you have any questions? About anything in the entire universe?

I thought hard.

Periwinkle: When is the McRib coming back?

Cornell looked extremely disappointed. Shook his head and floated back into the faerie fountain. Apparently it was such a good question he couldn’t even answer it! Or it was really bad. Eh, who cares?

I stood with my arms raised with a copy of Ace Combat 04 floating above my hands. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A COPY OF A PLAYSTATION 2 MASTERPIECE, ACE COMBAT 04: SHATTERED SKIES.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: November 1 2001

Developed & Published: namco

I have such little experience writing about how much I enjoyed a video game that I am almost completely at a loss. I have messaged Pinkie nearly every day telling her how much I love this game. I have told my wife. I have told my friends. I have told the dog next door. Everyone after day two or so just eventually starts to roll their eyes.

I drove to New York City to profess my love to Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies while standing on the top of a skyscraper but there was already someone doing it. This game is a masterpiece. Beautiful, sad, fun, easy to learn but hard to master. All of the good stuff.

The game itself is about a future world where some asteroids posed a major threat to the planet. Mankind built a gun to shoot the asteroids and it didn’t really work so now we all live on one shitty continent. Naturally because we’re human beings we begin a war over land and resources and the “bad dudes” highjack the massive asteroid gun and you have to stop them. Sounds simple and stupid but it isn’t. The storytelling is so well done, exploring the human condition in times of war.

I’d also go on record and say this game is a top ten ps2 game graphically. Some of the colors, graphics, picture-esque skies and backdrops are still breathtaking to this day. With 2021 eyes that is quite a feat.

It even has a beautiful replay mode that you can exploit and slam your jet into the ocean all cinematic like:

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

I understand that this was a big series back in the day but it passed me by twenty years ago. I have noticed that most of my fellow ps2 collectors are around my age. A lot around mid 30’s. So when these games were out we didn’t necessarily have the money or the time to buy these games on our minimum wage grocery store paychecks.

But here’s where the news gets even better! I picked this bad boy up for $2.99 at a flea market. On eStarland you can find it CiB for $9.

On EBay I’ve been finding it for about $3.99 which is a great deal.

But as usual – there are ridiculous price gougers that deserve to be shamed. Like this fuckface:

I’ll just buy my own jet, thanks.

Regardless – without paying this guy $599 – if you are a collector or just a fan of retro games this game is well, well, worth its budget price tag these days. And if you’re an emulator player – get on it! You don’t have to be a jet or a war enthusiast to enjoy this game. I recommend it so much – I had to create a new cocktail because I refuse to put it on the list with all the other bad games. So here is the good game cocktail ingredient list!

PERIWINKLE’S GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS

1.) One liter of Jet Fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)

DESERT ISLAND SONG:

If nothing else – if you have skipped this entire article – which is fine – do yourself a favor and listen to this. I needed a harp version of a Soundgarden song to tie in Cornell w/ Zelda. And because the internet rules here we are:

Alright I think that’s it. I’m actually working on another surprisingly good game right now. I’ll see you guys next week. Have more ps2 gems it seems everyone missed out on? Let us know! Comment below or Hit me up on social media (Instagram has been popping lately!) Until next time, Coconuts.

The Great Change: A Paradise Restyle

Hear Ye Hear Ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new post! Her first post in the capacity of supreme regent of the Paradise. Salutations loyal guests and subjects! The time has come! Paradise has evolved from a corporation to a nation! A nation under no god (You can pick one if you so choose, but not a single one is right)  and one princess! Located between imagination and reality! Welcome to the new Paradise. So if you are reading this in WordPress Reader, do take a look at our website over on https://pinkiesparadise.com/

Pinkie restyled

As you may know Pinkie is a name for not one, but two entities. The Homo-romantic-demi sexual woman of 34.. I mean 21 years old living in the Netherlands who types and styles this blog, as well as Pinkie the name for the virtual entity and avatar. The one who manages the tropical island of Paradise as it’s manager. The author Pinkie sends the character Pinkie on a quest to find an item that would allow her to reach her Mega-Evolution. You see the virtual Pinkie discovered she was a virtual life form that evolved multiple times and as such she discovered she had.. at the very least… one transformation left. Hopefully being rid of the moth toxins would help her feel better and healthier.. which in turn may help the real Pinkie feel better and healthier… but for that whole story click the link here!

Rubber Duck Pink Unicorn Duck buy at Hollandwinkel.NL

If people here really read my blog, or those who chat with me in real life people would answer one of three animals for my spirit animal. A panda, a unicorn or a duck. I figured that the panda elements are always intrinsically tied to me due to my lack of libido or grasp innuendo. Since a duck model might be too hard to make I chose to go with the only feasible possibility that will probably mean I am one of the very few people who uses a totem animal like this! I chose for the totem .. that is the majestic unicorn duck! Yet something else needed to change. Over the past year or so I have always portrayed Pinkie as the manager that blogs daily and works hard. I had very much trouble letting that image, I needed something a little bit extra. Someone who is not afraid to coast from blogging every now and again… a flavour excuse ..against my morality saying skipping a day is wrong as it were.. it turns that flavour was changing her from a manager into a Princess.

Which brings us to the new model of Pinkie which is displayed here!

Yay at least virtual me could get a haircut!
My Bag of Holding

Look at that, aren’t I adorable?  As you may see there are several elements to convey all the elements. Let’s first discuss my lovely new dress!  It has a cute frock with hearts, and looks quite a bit more regal! I have a gold crown.. but also a silver crown If I want to look a bit more subtle.. you know.. for when I attend a funeral or something. If you hear some cute little pit pats behind you! There is a chance that it is me on my adorable duck feet! Yes I know that will be hard to model in VRoid ..but you’ll never see that part  in videos so it doesn’t really matter.  There is also duck feathers growing out of me on random places.. but we have found a way to make them all pop out at my diaphragm so it works like kind of a belt.. just below where my corset goes…. the trick is tying the corset so tight I can barely breathe! Another duck element is the cute little duck purse! It is actually a bag of holding so good for all sorts of stuff I need to take out..including power morphers, my magical girl transformation item etc.

Unicorn Mane Twintails

The unicorn-horn holds most of my magical powers..but the duck feather pops out there because I am not an equastian unicorn! I am a duck-unicorn. I can fire lasers from it.. like my Mothra power.. but this time rather than use it for sheer destruction I can also turn everything I hit into marshmallows. I have most of my mothra powers. I can fly, am immortal and can create gust of wind.. this time by plucking a feather and tossing it.. it will create a kawaii tornado. The toxic scales are gone though! Instead I can use the magical heart gems on my outfit to heal others.. or make them play nice with me!  This is also why violence on Paradise island is not possible at all!  Love and peace!  I can switch between my forms.. but I really like this one!

This amazing new avatar was made by the great artist Jezzychii!  For just about €30,- let’s say $35 dollars I had this full body commision within two weeks after ordering! She is very versatile as well and very soon I will commision another piece with her to get acces to some emotions! If you want to check her out please do at:
https://www.fiverr.com/jezzychii

Redesigning the blog

Periwinkle
2.0

A new era comes with a new banner. Yet both Sunny and Periwinkle had a bit troublesome designs to use in a banner. Sunny’s design was made in a variant of the software I used to make the first Pinkie.  It looked close enough to Kuro and Indigo though to use as their actual avatar. However it gave me a lot of trouble composition, as it was only a face I would always be locked into a banner where everyone was in that pose.  Which will become an issue with STAFF if we ever grow. Periwinkle made his character in the days that Chibimaker was no longer playable and found a similar piece of software but it was too simplistic. Which resulted mostly in linework issues.  So I downloaded the program called Flashpoint which allows me to play Flashgames still! It indeed had Chibimaker and thus I created Chibmaker counter parts for them. I had one for Sunny already but now I could unify the style of my staff. This is what I came up with in the end.

A new banner with all my Nakama
New Favicon

I wished to incorporate magical girl and tropical elements in the banner. So I chose a backdrop that feels like a tropical sunset.. but added some sparkles and hearts to also make it feel like a magical girl transformation background. I used a new more princessy font for the title and implemented my brand shade of pink #ff89cd Which is also used for the palm trees.I added the staff and myself to the picture as well as the coconuts.. which also represent the reader and I had a banner I could feel happy with! It feels busy… but very on brand. The border around it is a princessy photo frame that will now be used in several other assets to feel as if separate elements in the blog are all part of the same image, yet also separate.

Jester Pinkie

You may also have seen the chibi version of me hiding behind .. me!  I decided to bring her back as a character on the blog. Mostly she will feature in Paradise stories but she also will double as a Mascotte that  may appear in pictures I make or in general tomfoolery. Maybe she can be featured in some posts from the past! Or overly jokey posts! Oh the possibilities! She does to bonk people on the head with her jester-wand-scepter thing a lot though so she is oftenly in bonk jail! She keeps escaping though and thinking up pranks! I dread the day that she runs of to K and cooks up something really devious!

The frame used in the banner as said will be a recurring element in most assets. Such as the new cocktails/featured images.  Cutting out a round shape for cocktails can be a bit of a hassle and these pictures really did not perform well in my new theme. Instead I opted to go for a more stretched variant, with a cocktail in pink as well as the frame. With an icon depicting what kind of content it is like before. This looks a bit more clean and can be saved as JPEGs rather than PNG’s which also saves me on tons of storage space. I am considering making uniquely coloured variants for the staff, with a cocktail of their own.. but I decided to make these achievements.  With a custom coloured frame unlocking after say 50 posts, your custom cocktail at 100 posts! It gives the staff something to strive for! I think that should be fun!  The icons will be:  A SNES controller for gaming content, a movie reel, for movies and series, a smiley geek for geek content, the crunchyroll logo for anime (open for suggestions for another option for that)  a pokeball for pokemon and a typewriter for fan fiction.  Not much changes in that aspect. The cocktails that will be posted into every category rather than having a rainbow will have no logo and are deemed universal.

Sweet Sweet, ability to edit in featured thing more easily! Also yay Pink!

Finally I changed the blog theme to Chronicle, I needed a change up and really liked some features this theme had to offer. Such as highlighted content per category.  The ability to use banners of any size and just feeling right for the princessy theme I am now going for. It’s a bit busier than my old theme but it has that “sparkly” feeling for me. Just something new to wear for the next year or so. It still lets me use featured images in the way I want it too but now with stuff zooming and stuff happening. It all feels just a bit more… Pinkie! It doesn’t hurt that this theme can utilize my signature shade of pink either!

Redesigning Paradise

Like I said in my 500th post, content from my end my shift a bit to more lighthearted whimsey. Cartoony.. which applies to my “reviews” as well. I will react to them like a spoiled little princess.. or the sweetest magical girl and look at it from a more raw emotional angle. So think at a sarcastic princess talking about burning down a Uwe Boll movie… or a sweet little girl protecting the childhood memories of a movie that is deemed pretty bad by the internet.. but that she kinda secretly loves. Also a lot more weird “my brain” things where I wonder how pokémon taste and such!  For now I have dropped stories like “What Bad Luck, I got reincarnated and now I am a Side Character”. I have Elle’s journey mapped out and one day I might return to it, but it really lacked an audience. Instead I will be doing more stories set in Paradise.. much like how Sunny does, written as stand alone stories..almost comic like. For this very reason I have designed a map of Paradise, which will show you the general layout of Paradise! Which will also be featured in our new About Page. (Pending at the moment of writing)

The Map of Paradise is handed to you upon checking in..and shows up on that weird tv channel hotels have!

What doesn’t change though is that we are still welcoming to Staff Members. I post every other day, with Periwinkle having one or two posts every week and the other staff posting incidentally. I will keep looking for STAFF until we basically can consistently put out a post every day of the week again. So mostly in the anime department I am looking for someone who’d like to join the STAFF still, so if you are interested in joining a lovable band of goofs!  Feel free to give us a shout!  YouTube will be less of a focus for now as my health is recovering, but in time will be implemented more in Paradise. Existing as two sides of the same coin rather than being something separate. Of course Staff members can integrate their other content as well if they wish. I have this dream of people creating content together, all getting a penny of Kofi money or likes in their own way.  Everyone is doing their own thing yet doing it together as well. That to me is Paradise.

I am trying to become more active on other peoples blogs again as well and come back to OWLS as soon as the relentless migraine attacks let up. I am pretty active during my daytime but in the evening I get downed pretty hard. So right now I only have half days!  My blog comes before OWLS right now.. because to be part of OWLS I need to be able to blog to begin with. So there is that. By all means I should get over this soon though, normally this is a seasonal health thing..but with how weird things have been it all has gone on for much longer.  But yes I do plan to be more active in both gamer and anime blogger environments!

Recharge GIFs | Tenor

Energy is returning to Paradise and I hope to let it show.. both on blogosphere and on the fictional island itself!
I thank you for your hard work reading this posts loyal subjects! I would really appreciate interactions, likes, and of course comments. What do you think of the new theme and look? Do you think Unicorn Duck Princess Pinkie is a better fit for me?! Now I worked hard enough for a princess.. so I shall retire to the royal chambers. Shine on my subjects.. Tata for now. Oyasumi!
Oh and did you know I have a new Kofi Banner as well?!

Periwinkle – Triggered.

An infuriating mixture of nearly invincible enemies, next to nothing plot and ugly design.

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Cookie and I have been renovating our hut in preparation for a lovely spring and summer – my first on the island. We decided to put the hut on stilts and move it closer to the shore for two reasons: We both enjoy the sounds of summer storms rolling over the ocean and it’s easier for him. You see, as of late Cookie has become quite the ladies man. He likes to bring his Sea Lion girlfriends over to watch movies as he has always really been quite the cinephile. I can’t tell you how many times he’s made me watch Life By A Whisker.

So, like a good roommate I retreat to my small room and put my headphones on. I don’t get very many guests, myself. Once a month the manager might kick open the door and throw my next batch of horrible, bargain bin games inside for me to suffer through. Other than that every full moon Sunny leaves me hand woven baskets with fruits and random bones on our small front porch. I think it’s a gesture of good will but it could also be a grave threat – it’s hard to tell with him.

This month I opened the front door to the see the game box of, “Trigger Man” stuck to my door with a combat knife. And I could just faintly see the Manager running back into the tree line. She’s not as innocent as she’d like you to believe. There are even rumors on the island of construction workers on her new Castle disappearing. But I keep my head down and keep quiet. I’m just here to do a job, sweet island citizens and guests and it begins now. Let us begin this mortal sin of a game!

NEW FANCY VIDEO INTRODUCTION

No.

Publisher: Point of View (They published the amazing NFL Blitz)

Developed by: Crave Entertainment (The creative genius behind, Baby Pals)

Crave Entertainment originally titled this game, “Baby Felons”

Trigger Man makes the impossible possible. It makes being a mobster incredibly lame. The story is so abhorrent that it would have literally been better with no story or context at all. That way the person playing the game could just nonchalantly make up their own plot line.

“What’s this guys deal?”

“Oh. He drank too many Mountain Dews. Now he’s taking everyone down.”

“Ah. Makes sense.”

That story? Those two sentences? More thought out then the entire game. Concept, design, story, all of it.

I read a blog post about eyeliner earlier today that is more badass than this game. The unnamed, idiot, blockhead main character you play as is so boring and uninspired I’ve come across pots of boiling water with more complexities.

The controls are so sad that just ducking is an achievement. Sneaking is impossible although an absolute requirement throughout the game. Cover is nearly impossible during shootouts although that too is paramount to even surviving the constant swarms of respawning enemies.

Speaking of enemies…The only actual badass thing in this entire game? The security guards you have to fight who are basically fucking indestructible. They should play footage of this game at every security guard convention across the country. Sure, they can’t shoot straight and they run directly into your line of fire but they sure are tough.

That is also assuming you can even hit them. If you aim the reticle at the enemies head you will shoot their body. Which takes at least ten shots to kill anyone (Oh, yeah and you can only carry like 30 bullets at a time with any gun so good luck with that). But a headshot grants an instant kill every time. So if you aim the reticle just above the enemies head – you still miss. You just shoot over their heads. It’s extremely difficult to even get a head shot. Skill has barely anything to do with it. It all boils down to luck.

Yeah, good luck idiot.

Which speaking of luck – upon playing this game you will find yourself unlucky A LOT. The missions themselves would honestly take about six minutes each to blow through if you didn’t die 150-200 times per round. It’s UNREAL.

Oh and this god forsaken blog post? Already like two thousand words longer than the game manual. Another sign of how bad the game is. They couldn’t even hire a writer to lie for a minute about how fun and cool the game is in its own instruction manual!

Here’s one last dumb analogy for you. Say video games were sea birds. Why? I don’t know. It’s the first thing that came to mind. Grand Theft Auto 3 (which came out three years before Trigger Man, mind you) was a great game. But far from perfect. Especially with its shooting and aiming controls. It was hard to handle. The lads and ladies at Rockstar had yet to perfect their combat system. So despite its insane fun it could be frustrating to play. Which would take it down from a beautiful majestic sea bird to maybe something cool but a little derpy like a Flamingo.

So if GTA 3 was a cute but derpy flamingo spending its days at an all you can eat Shrimp buffet than Trigger Man is a Sea Gull eating cigarette butts out of a trash can biting little kids that pass by.

Who hasn’t had a date end like this, amiright?

The game is turbo trash. Really can’t put it any other way. It’s literally the worst game I have ever played.

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

For the collectors out there – you can find this game on pretty much any site for next to nothing. But I must point out this idiot for trying to sell this piece of hot garbage for over $35

Just..stop.

DESERT ISLAND SONGS (Songs inspired by the games)

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One indestructible security guard (Trigger Man)

Follow me on stuff! I’ll follow you back literally forever !

Pinkie’s 500th Post: Reflections and Ideas

Hurray! Dear Reader welcome to my 500th post! While I missed the mark of 500 posts on Paradise , I  was in time to do something about me reaching 500 posts. So today we will do the obligatory Reflections as well as discussing content for the future, you know the road to 1000.  So what was it like making 500 posts?!  Take a look with me! During these 500 posts! I laughed, I cried, I learned and I adapted and this is a little journal on how!

What Have I Learned

Cute Kawaii Face Pink PS4 Controller Skin

Let’s first take a look at the growth I made!  As a writer, I do not personally feel I have grown all that much!  I still make silly mistakes, I still am long winded but I am also still me!  Throughout almost two years of blogging now I do think I for the most part always kept track of me.. all posts feel like me! I can recognise myself in my earliest writing , the middle and the end.  Even though I changed content a lot in these 500 posts, there is a certain level of me in all of them that makes me feel at least a little accomplished. I also learned that maybe that very almost indescribable thing that is the “me” that is in that post is what keeps people around. I can change up my content a lot but people will still be there. Except for gaming posts around older games, those really usually bomb!  I might need to delve deeper into Gaming WordPress to grow further. 

I tried many approaches to things , but I also learned that blogging in a way can be a bit addicting. I wanted to put a post out every day,  I wanted to do two every day even.. but I realised with how long my average post is.. that is not something I can maintain.  I spend so much effort to get posts done.. just to break even at the end of a day. One post goes in, one post goes out! I need to be blogging every day, need to be edditing every day and need to be able to consume content every day as well! I discovered I struggle with episodic reviews,  they are easy enough to produce but they hardly give me any gratification. An episode summary feels redundant because people who read these things often seen the same anime, yet you can also not got without the summary so half my post already feels redundant. It will also kinda force you to find negatives about an episode and it made me feel whiney and unhappy!  So after a massive burnout.. I decided to end them. I needed to be happy!

My current schedule of blogging every other day already works a lot better for me!  I am  creating a post every day still, sometimes more, but this time around I actually plus on blogs.  I write two.. one goes out, one is still in cue. This is much more managable with my health. If I have a bad day.. I can now accept I have a bad day and just don’t produce. I can go spend a day with my friends or family without feeling obligated to blog, I feel a lot more free. I could also write shorter posts and write several a day… but that’s not me! I need to think more and correct myself more! 

That’s not my style.. while I may repeat myself a lot now and talk about random stuff in the middle.. what I write comes from the heart.. it feels to me more as if I am talking to you.. and I rather have that than styling out a post! I read a lot of how to blog guides, and a lot of tips to be regular and consistent to be neutral and all of that, but to me that may work to get you an audience.. but that might not work for you as a blogger. I love you all, but I learned  that audience is secondary to yourself having fun.  You can’t write if you hate doing it! Sometimes that means letting your audience down…or not growing as fast as you could. So be it! I am sorry, but as a hobby blogger your first responsibility is to you and your hobby!

 My Highlights

Tofu Cute - YouTube

Now I love all my posts and never will favourite any of them, as the others may cry so I won’t be going over my favourite posts!  Yet while creating this blog and while doing things I have come to experience a few highlights. The first one is minor but I just had so much fun! It was while I was creating my post for OWLS-Minicon , my post about all the convention plushie dealers around the world.  While that post tanked hard and not many people cared about my passion for plushies it was a great experience to get to learn some new people. To get that feeling that I can do at least a very little something back for those people who provide us with these amazing dealers rooms!

  Even if we don’t buy their plushies,their games or whatever, think how your dealer room would look without them.  Empty.. not fun, even if you don’t buy their goods you still like browsing the stall!  Some of the interactions I had with those people were fun and super grateful! Not a people may have read the post or they disliked it just.. but to me I felt closer to the geek community then I had in a long while!  I may have not been able to bestow people that convention feel.. but I sure got it!

I Love My Staff This Much Mug Friend Colleague Office Employee Secret Santa  Birthday Gift Christmas Novelty Humour Funny: Amazon.co.uk: Kitchen & Home

 Another Highlight was my decision to look for Blog STAFF! It has offered me a nice platform of great people to interact with, with the coming of Periwinkle the STAFF chat has really livened up!  I love geeking out over things, and even some of the random discussions we have!  I am so happy to have these people in my life! As well as the awesome blogger crowd visiting me of course.. but with the STAFF  it is just something special you know!  A long time ago I worked on a blog with friends and I loved that feeling, and that feeling is beginning to return a bit now!  Paradise is growing and I really love it. 

Yet another highlight I had , and this may sound silly is being included in K’s ,Which Blogger are You test.  It wasn’t exactly that I was included that made me happy, it was the fat that I answered my questions very genuinely  and it spit me out!  I have a lot of fun making my images, dong the whole paradise thing and trying to have this “brand” as it were.  I wasn’t sure if it worked. I hide a lot of fun details in a lot of my images, or go to some weird effort to make an egg reflect in the water.. just because I want to give it a try… I never really get reactions to this.. but the test showed, it got noticed. I try provide content that is off the beaten path.. and oftenly  those post perform badly in terms of likes,,but this test showed me it was noticed

As the scatterbained loon that I am I often interacting less with people than I would like, I read your blog on my phone, then go to grab a cupcake, I like your post as I enjoy my cupcake.. but then I see on my pc on twitter that another person also made a new post! I go read it and forget the like button! I oftenly type comments to people and as I search for a strong joke to end on I end up petting my Pikachu in Pokémon Camp and it shows me an apple and I forget to enter my comment or sometimes I get to anxious to reply.  I feel like a horrible person a lot of the itme because of it.. increasing that anxiety… yet by being included in the test.. I got a feeling, okay so perhaps I am not as much as an outsider as my mind makes me out to be.. perhaps i do belong here!  I may be weird and distant..but I am approachable.. and that really made me smile!  Irina’s attempt to explain me trough anime characters was another one of those things.. and it even gave me an idea for my next restyle. When she called me the sports team mom, with a hint of ojou-sama

My Lows

Watamote–Anime Early Impressions – FunBlog

Today we will celebrate so we will not stand still with my lows a lot, but I made a few discoveries about blogging and content creation in general that made me feel a bit…disappointed. A big thing was a realisation I made. While I really do love anime I don’t enjoy it in the frequencies that most others here do. I watch anime once or twice a week and I am content with that. Not always that long either. I am not sure if that is enough, I don’t feel alien to the world of anime but I can not really shake that “fifth” wheel feeling.  I am not being subjected to active gatekeeping, but when I walk into a discussion I do feel I am in over my head. I do not feel I have much to contribute.  I always end up freezing up and just letting others have their fun discussion without bothering them with more basic shows!

It is a feeling I have come to learn to accept , the eternal Kohai but it is a feeling I did not expect when I began.  Anime is great and the anime community is fantastic but I never expected it to be this “overwhelming”. It’s  all about the anime. In a way I’d say the community is a bit more nerdy than geeky. With which I mean: At a convention you talk to strangers and they ask you , how is your bubble tea, where did you get that figurine or if you vaguely know them, how are you.  I will always have an answer.

The Online-Anime-Community is more “ Have you seen Astra yet?”  “Someone did a Gatekeeper Tweet” , “Miss Kobayashi 2 trailer looks shit”. These discussions can be fun, but  I always wonder.. does my voice in this really matter?! Meanwhile, compare that to the question “How is your Bubbletea?” I know my answer is going to be relevant. This is not a flaw about the anime community, just a misconception I had. I have had a rough time coming to terms with that.  I have since made friends I talk personal with like Summer and Mallow, but also many others, but with that voice that tells me I am not good enough, or watch to basic anime it has been a bit of a struggle. The demon on my shoulder never fully goes away and keeps telling me, people will abandon me because I don’t watch anime daily!

Another lowpoint I have had with blogging is WordPress itself, it has given me more trouble recently! Just when I get into a rhythm they change it up and put something that was never an effort before, behind an extra set of clicks or scrolls. I had my favourite types of blocks with one click away and now I constantly have to search the block I am looking for.  Recolouring things can be a hassle because with a new update I can’t drag and drop because now you just have to click!  I learned so many hex codes just to avoid this problem!  WordPress still is a great tool, but at times it feels so clunky! As if I am dragging through mud! It’s worth it.. but I don’t have that much energy to give. So if I need to give extra energy things grow skewed quite fast. It’s a shame that I have to design my blog keeping things in mind such as “It’s not worth it to recolour that thing, cause that glitches out half the time”  or “better not add in that type of images as I will have to rescale it twice to make it fit”.  The fact that I have to click a random button before I can activate my WordPress Bell is another thing. I often find myself thinking.. I’ll do it later than, I can’t be bothered with the hassle right now! 

Self-esteem Archives | Documentation Wizard, LLC

WordPress Reader is another thing I have come to dislike! It is an easy way to check out other blogs fast, but it has also become an issue. To my knowledge it doesn’t show YouTube feeds. I recently tried to do YouTube but paused it because my health got in the way! I will now come back to it with an easier to handle model and a bit more flavour. Regardless, Reader doesn’t show my posts as pretty as I want them to be, my videos don’t show up, my images can look a bit more yankee, and the themes I work so hard on are not displayed.  It’s as if people see you trough a broken mirror. Sure it’s you but a lot of effort you made to put on make-up is kinda lost. They just “recognise” you. It also results in a lot of ghost liking, which once again feeds that stupid demon.

My Future

Despite the whole Reader thing, I am planning to do a new Restyle really soon! This current style has been here for almost a year now! Minus a month or so, some minor changes took place, but this will be a big one!  New theme new icons, new Pinkie!  Manager Pinkie will soon be upgraded by a ruler of Paradise with a new flavour. The VTuber theme will still be going but the moth will be replaced by something new!  Something a bit quirkier and something that is a HECK of a lot easier to build a VTuber model around. 

Something more unique as well. MothTubers are almost all lewdTubers , there is a group of them.. but all of them are pretty non seiso!   Which made me feel alien AGAIN! Besides that it was such a hassle to deal with those wings! It always looked fabricated to me as well. So when I went to have her commissioned instead.. I had change of heart and went for a theme that is much more in line with me rather than be a metaphor!  I can flavour it a bit more as well. The restyle will arrive later this week.

I stopped doing episodic content because with my health that has been the hardest to keep up!  That requires a schedule and I do not want that anymore. It gives me stress and on a mental level forces me to do content and currently I can not work under those circumstances.  So no more episodic reviews, and less reviews in general.  Rather than reviews, I’ll do rants or raves!  Me being super positive, absolutely loving something, or me just having fun burning things down to the ground! (Think AVGN style) It won’t be subtle.. but it will be a lot more fun to do. I am also trying to the same with something that utterly confuses or baffles me.

Thanks, I hate anime NC and AVGN : TIHI

Now I know something isn’t  100% good or 100% bad or 100% weird and that’s also not what I am trying to achieve with these newer formats. I really hope there is someone that loves what I hate, and I am pretty sure there is someone who hates what I love and that to a certain extent they will have a point. However I feel we have become a bit too afraid to give our unbridled opinions. It’s time to either praise something, or burn it to the ground! The latter usually in a so bad that it’s good spirit though.. or at least so bad that it’s interesting. It will be a bit wacky.. but it will be fun!

Speaking of wacky , that will be much more a theme going forward.  While as a Moth Pinkie , before my second major burnout in a while I tried a more journalling type of approach to things, that doesn’t work for me. I do a journal with my Blogging Bestie,  Summer now!  Gaming in step by step content didn’t work for me though! I felt I either had to slow down my gaming, rush it or struggled with screenshots. It also made me serialise everything and I can’t do that.. my health is to fickle! 

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman (Family Guy) | Reaction GIFs

So instead you’ll see me tackle wacky games, anime or movies while also doing wackier things myself with my content in the form of stranger lists, more odd tags and of course more random content. I already did another Never Have I ever, with random prompts, post (for the near future)  I also made a weird new tag, which probably not a lot of people will be interested in joining..but that’s not what it is about.. it is about me doing quirky things in familiar settings.  A lot of it will be “fan stuff. Things like “If I made a Super Mario Movie” or how will this Anime couple look 20 years later. Stuff like if Kamina and LeLouche played a game of YuGiOh.. which one would win.  I will also just watch weird stuff and tell you how I feel.. Movies like Swiss Army Man, or me Playing a Cho Aniki game!

The STAFF will of course continue to do their down thing, but by growing bolder and bolder in my content I hope to inspire them step out of the box as well! The box is an illusion.. inside the box you can be both  dead or alive.. and while we don’t know if you are alive or dead inside your box.. you are both.. therefore you are dead in the box per definition!.. I guess not if it’s a translucent box or an oxygenated box but either way… don’t be shrödingers cat!  Step outside your box! There you can be alive for sure! And that will be a theme clear on Paradise.  Also I plan to use a bit more pink after the restyle! Just so you know!  Yay!  Onto 500 more pink posts! Then I will treat everyone to Pink cake!

<spoiler alert>  the cake is a lie <end of spoiler> 

Happy 500th to me! And thank you guys for coming along in the journey!

Sunny’s Five (or so) Bestest Video game (or video game adjacent) Writers

Regardless of what you may think, much of the time that you THINK Sunny is just sitting on the beach, holding a fishing pole and gazing at the horizon he is actually THINKING. At least, that’s what he wants you to think.

Sometimes, he’s just thinking – I wonder if I still have any bait on this hook? Or, is that a nibble? He certainly is NOT thinking about putting out every other light at the tiki bar and then hiding the ladder to drive Kuro and Periwinkle crazy. And he knows nothing about that enormous Grouper that was in the pool yesterday. 

No, he’s been considering which writers he wants to sing the praises of to answer Periwinkle’s video game writer challenge. Because Sunny can either think of way more than five, or less than two, because he tends towards video games that lack any real story. Mostly. But there are some very notable exceptions, and here they are. Oh, and one writer who is video game adjacent but he really loves this writers work so he’s shoehorning it in here. 

For instance, speaking of more than five, there is the cooperative of writers who created Katawa Shoujo all of whom are listed on the link. Katawa Shoujo – which can be downloaded at the same website, is a beautiful, kind, compassionate, understanding and open visual novel about a young man who develops a heart condition, and is transferred to a boarding school that specializes in accommodating young people with disabilities. Of course, he meets a number of beautiful young women each with their own talents and abilities, and oh, a disability as well. Sunny hasn’t dated all of them yet, because he’s fallen madly in love with Lilly Satou and no matter who he sets out to win – he always ends up with Lilly because he can’t resist her. 

Npckc is the writer of one night, hot springs, a VN which is also downloadable at the writer/developers website (linked to their name there) or on Steam. It is very short, but very sweet, and very kind. It is focused on Haru, a Japanese transgender woman, who was invited to the hot springs by her old friend Manami to celebrate Manami’s upcoming wedding with all her girl pals. All Haru wants to do is to enjoy being with everyone else, but because she is transgender there are special considerations to be kept in mind. It’s a beautiful story, well written, and thoughtful about situations transgender people deal with every day in every country with grace and forbearance and in this case, with the kind support of her friends.

Choice of Games is a sort of central webhost/developer/sales for a number of people writing text based adventure games. Sunny is super hooked on these games and has played a few of them over and over and over. A special treat has been Night Road, a game written in the Vampire the Masquerade world and even though they haven’t yet added his favorite Malkavian clan for it, he’s sure they’ll get around to it. The writer is Kyle Marquis. He does a fantastic job of holding onto that noir dystopian feeling while still providing plenty of adventure and choice. You can purchase it through Google Play or on Steam along with all later updates adding various clans. You can find out more about them here. 

Evan J. Peterson wrote Drag Star! For Choice of Games and it can be found on Google play and probably other places. It’s a quick, fun romp at being a contestant on a game show verrrrrrrry similar to RuPaul’s Drag Race. You can be campy, comedic, avant garde’, or classy or any combination. Be catty and mean or sweet and peace making (Sunny, of course, is always a sweet peace maker – as far as you need to know). This is a short game, but don’t worry, you’ll probably play it more than once. Kudos to the writer for capturing the fun and flair of drag stars! Mr. Peterson has his own website here and does quite a bit of writing in many forms!

Sunny likes fun and humor in his text based games – and Fox Spirit: A Two Tailed Adventure serves plenty of both, with a little dose of Japanese style fairy tale and fantasy setting. Amy Clare Fontaine is the writer and she spins a story you won’t soon forget – and you’ll want to see all the endings. She also writes articles and books, her website is here.

Now for that video adjacent writer – D.Rus writes the Play to LIve series on the Kindle. It is finished, with seven volumes. If you watch Isekai anime, you are familiar with the set-up here. However, the background story is very well thought out science fiction, going into how people end up “perma” in games and the reaction of the world’s governments. Unlike many Isekai, in this series becoming “perma” – that is stuck in a game for good, is often done very much on purpose to escape from some situation in life – like immanent death from a brain tumor. Some governments figure out this is a great way to empty the jails… This story is from a Russian point of view which adds another layer of interest. The game story is also well thought out and thoughtful – not just an overpowered hero hacking and slashing his way to fame and glory. Max (the protagonist) takes quite a different route from Necromancer, to a follower of the Fallen One  (an abandoned AI that remained in the game past the developers “removal” of it) and he makes his fortune with a clever use of alchemy to invent something sadly missing in game – cigarettes! It’s fun but also very profound at times. You can find D.Russ author page on Amazon here.

Now, we can get back to fishing and petting sea monsters.

pokemon amie-Mantyke - YouTube

City Crisis

Generally this is where I write a little segment about my life on the resort. How despite the fact I am relegated to bashing rats with hammers, clearing out asbestos from around the basement pipes and cleaning up the sidewalks after the tourists have had too much to drink it’s still pretty close to paradise. Somewhere in Southeast Asia the weather is beautiful and the food is even better. But this introduction is different because this City Crisis game – if that’s what you would call it – this “game” is as far from paradise as heaven is wide.

If you hate someone. Stop what you’re doing and search “City Crisis PS2” on Amazon. Then – buy one of the BILLIONS of copies available and send it to your enemies’ address. Upon arrival they may think it was an accident or maybe even a gift. Surely if they do make the mistake of playing the game it’ll be one of the last things they ever do. After an hour or so of gameplay they’ll be sure to leap from their high rise apartment window. Or maybe just start hitting their head against a wall until eventually they’ve lost so much blood it all fades to black.

It’s impossible to tell how many copies of City Crisis were actually unleashed on the public but thankfully not enough to actually create a real city crisis. I can only imagine that if hundreds of thousands of people raced to the store to buy this game the day it came out there would have been deadly riots in the streets only hours later.

Even if I have been told by reliable sources that Germans absolutely love helicopter and farming games. My father in-law is off the boat German and has never mentioned his love for either. But certainly if he loves this game than he is ashamed and would never want to show such poor judgement to his son-in-law. Any fans of City Crisis are surely too ashamed to come forward. As they should be.

Developed by Syscom Entertainment which has disappeared off the face of the Earth (probably due to overwhelming shame) and published by giants Take-Two Interactive.

The game was released on July 17th 2001. Meaning it also shares a birthday with someone inexplicably popular in Germany as well. Yes, you immediately know who I’m about to drag into this. The Hoff was born on July 17th. He single handily tore down the Berlin Wall brick by brick with songs of rescuing babes from maritime disaster and personally woo-ed the Soviets back into loving a capitalist system (kind of). That’s what they teach American school children at least!

But like every good balance in the universe – if David Hasselhoff is pure good born on July 17th then sack of shit Gavin McInnes is the flip side of the coin. If you don’t know who he is then you’re better off.

But where were we? Ah yes, back to City Crisis. You are immediately thrust into the cockpit of a helicopter named after incredibly lame animals to name a helicopter after.

Helicopters are named: Dolphin, Lobster and Goldfish.

“Sir! The skyscraper you’re in is burning! We’ve come to save you!!”

“Oh, thank God for you, heroes! Thank you so much!”

(*Begins to notice that the rescue helicopter is named LOBSTER and has the animal painted on the Helicopter tail*)

“Ya know what? It’s fine. I’m good! Go rescue someone else. I’ll just jump”

Not to mention there is something seriously wrong in this game world and the constant burning buildings is not nearly as big as an issue that needs to be addressed compared to whatever fictional country they have pissed off. In one flying/rescue segment it’s not unusual for seven to eight different buildings to just randomly explode on opposite ends of the city within a few minutes of one another. Are we at war? Is this The Blitz? Faulty gas lines? What the fuck is actually going on around here?

Or is it that the graphics of this fictional city are just so poor the citizens themselves have just had enough and are destroying their own city in a desperate cry for help? We may never know. But the Helicopter Rescue Budget for the city has to be through the roof. I’m not sure how they could afford much else.

Speaking of affording things you can find this game for like $2.50 on eBay. And some asshole is even trying to sell it for $71.00. Don’t pay either of those prices. Just don’t buy this game, sweet Germans. You deserve better helicopter games.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

Text me

I want a Real Estate on Paradise: Reviewing Video Game Castles

Hello Little Lights! In real life I am quite content with my new place in my real life. Yet virtual me has much more of a struggle! I am not made for a tiny little hut! I need an Estate to keep all my things!  Not one of those villa mansions either.. I want something special! Something that screams.. someone who is more than just a manager lives here! 

So I hired a realtor as we checked out some fairly iconic real estate.. You know I’d probably alter it just a bit so it is safe for me to use.. but you know a girl has to have inspiration. Anyway I found this Realtor named Phil.. he kind of is a geek! Met him in some virtual game.. and today we are looking at some of the most iconic Real Estate in video games.

Dracula’s Castle (Castlevania)

Dracula’s Castle

Phil : So this is the first place I would like you to see, it’s a  classical gothic structure, stemming from  1094, and belonged to a guy named Mathias Cronqvist, a powerful alchemist that lived up until the end of the 1990’s. It has about 200 rooms and can travel dimensions and locations, as it has shown up in Europe, Transylvania but also Japan as well.   It is also known to change shape and sizes to fit wherever and whenever it is needed.  I will be honest, the original owner has passed away in the castle.. as I am legally obligated to tell you this… in fact he has been murdered in his castle by a blonde man with long hair and a whip… and the palace might be a bit of a fixer upper.. but I think it can provide you years of happiness

Mathias Cronqvist

Pinkie: Phil this is Dracula’s castle from Castlevania isn’t it?!  Why do you use to name Mathias Cronqvist, now I have to explain to my readers that in Castlevania lore, Dracula is not an alter ego of Vlad Tepes, but of an alchemist who made himself immortal through his science and all that stuff. Besides I am not sure this place is for me.  It looks quite gloomy. I might become more than a manager soon, but I am pretty sure I won’t be turning evil or a vampire! If anything I am trying to become less nocturnal and Rainbows can’t be out in the dark.

Phil: Well it has a library, it has a dinner room, it has a piano room  and even it’s own swimming pool! You made a big deal out of wanting your own swimming pool which I don’t really get because don’t you have some amazing pools in Paradise?! I guess this palace is a bit of a fixer upper, you might need to fix some staircases fixed but that should not be to hard! It comes pretty cheap ever since the creators wanted to fix more on pachinko machines, the castle has been neglected a bit so you can pick it up without overspending. 

Pinkie:  Sure Phil, then tell me how we get from the main hall to the dining room. If you can explain it to me in less than a paragraph I will consider buying this place. 

Symphony of the Night Castle map

Phil:  I think that’s a bit unfair.. it is easy enough! All you need to do is gather a red orb from the music room, then kneel at a pond , a staircase that leads your underwater will be revealed.  You need to follow the tunnel and then choose the third mirror on the second floor from of the study and enter it and it will take you straight to the drawbridge that if it is open will take you to the dining room, If not you might need to take a little detour by getting a grappling hook..to move onto a higher platform.. but we can just build a staircase there to work around that.

Pinkie: I think you know why I am passing on this. I don’t want to need Nintendo Power to find my bedroom each night.. let’s go look at the next lot.. but before we go.. I really need to pee, could I use the bathroom here?!

Phil: Sure all you need to do is walk up the half broken stairs,  take a little leap of faith down  from the overpass, defeat the giant bat in the pantry so it drops a key that lets you access the west wing. Follow that to the end by jumping a few gaps and dodging some medusa heads and it will lead you right to the clock tower the bathroom is at the top.. it really is nice for the drainage.. you never have any smell or annoying kids throwing fireworks in the sewer to make your toilet spill.

Hyrule Castle (Legend of Zelda Series)

Hyrule Castle 64

Phil: Okay.. I am sorry you died twice while trying to get to the bathroom, that was my fault.. This palace is actually owned by a titular character. It follows a more classic structure and has plenty of space. A princess much like … Oh right… A Smash Brothers character I guess, lived here and many of her incarnations have found happiness in this castle.  Her father has been murdered in it only once .. so it already has way less deaths to it than most other castles we will visit. It already has been restored properly for the potential of Breath of the Wild 2.. and it has only gotten larger over time.

Pinkie:  This is actually quite nice Phil.. but  there seems to be a very thick wallpaper on the walls, I don’t really like it. .can I paint over that?!   It seems like it might go a bit soggy if I do.

Phil: Don’t worry you can paint over it.. the thick wall paper has been in place because the castle got devastated and converted to a fortress of evil for a bit.. during the era of the hero of time.  You know six magical seals were placed. spirits of some sages were imprisoned.. it all resulted in a bit of an edgy architecture, the rightful owner restored it to its previous condition.

Pinkie: Ah I see.. how unfortunate for the rightful owner! I would not like it if someone came and took my castle and made it into a dark fortress! So what’s that greenish looking residue on the ceiling, it kind of looks like mold!

Submerged Hyrule Castle

Phil: It’s dried in Algae actually, you see a couple of years later the country of Hyrule got completely flooded and the castle became completely submerged for many years! The princess became a pirate and all that unless a new hero could be found.. but after the evil was defeated it dried right up!  You might find a few pin bones here and there..but nothing a good round with a vacuum cleaner can’t fix up.

Pinkie: Okay.. but is it still a flooding hazard now? I mean I am Dutch so we know how to make dry land…but that sounds awfully costly! I also notice a lot of plaster work has been renewed and the cellar has  a do not enter sign? Why is that then?

Strike on Hyrule Castle

Phil: Well fairly recently the entire castle was destroyed because the evil forces took over four fire  giant animal mecha’s and layed the castle in ashes. The hero of the wild took control of them back.. but not before the evil  created all sorts of spider cyclops.. it really hurt the drywall.   The evil was defeated by the giant animal mechas firing a combined beams at him… but unfortunately the wine cellar now is just a crater. You know.. this castle does end up getting cursed or destroyed a lot.. given how unlucky you can be this might not be the purchase for you… I might be able to sell it to Pepper though.

Pinkie: Who is Pepper? Why would you sell him this thing? This is a timebomb! It gets destroyed like every other generation?! And why do all the shadowy corners of the castle have this dog pee scent to them?!

Dr Wily’s Castle (Mega Man)

Classicc Wiley’s Castle

Pinkie: Phil are you really trying to sell me Dr Wily’s castle?! I mean the music here is SOOOO good that I would almost consider it ..but this is an architectural nightmare. I know my taste in things can be a bit garish at times.. but this is pushing it. Maybe Indigo and Kuro would like it but why would I like a building that has a huge satellite dish, a  giant skull and some ribs.. a rocket.. that in the original design actually is more like a bullet.. and some silo’s that look like they belong on a farm?! I want a brick castle not a steel one! That is super cold and I am a fairy type! Steel is super effective against me!   So no I can already tell I will pass on this one. 

Phil: Yeah I guess this one might not be for you, you are going for a more classical vibe right? You know as Realtor I am obligated to at least show you a different style. But if you look for a princess castle we will look for something traditional. Sorry about that sometimes I can make this mistake as I come from such a Modern Family. 

Pinkie: Okay.. I wrote that joke.. and I might not get any emmy’s for it .. but for the sake of this post i’ll say, You are a funny man Phil!

Phil: Thank you, it’s actually a fact that if you look up the word funny inside an encyclopedia you  see my face! I am very proud of it! And sorry for wasting your time! But hey isn’t it cool to see this in real imaginary life?!

Wiley’s Gear Castle

Ted: Actually that word is pronounced encyclopeahdia!  I do agree with Pinkie though this place is an architectural nightmare.. besides it garish looks those eyes in the skull will give very big problems with heat regulation, the use of such varying materials such as bone, steel , brick and red plastic will also make sure that your house expands in various degrees when it is heated up by sunshine which would cause significant  structural damage over time.  The palace also has a lot of self destruct buttons which is trouble when you run with a cast as wild as Pinkie’s.

Pinkie: Who invited you here?!  You know what.. you can stay.. lots of these palaces have been needing changes , you might be useful. Besides.. now I got two sitcom characters and WandaVision is super popular right now.. I might be able to bank on their success by doing this weird cross over thingamajig myself.  

Ted: Cool, while we go to the next lot , how about I tell you the story of how I met the mother of my children?!

Phil & Pinkie: NO!!!!!

Princess Peach Castle (The Mario Series)

The Castle of Castles

Phil: So you seem to like Nintendo so I figured let’s try this one as well, this one might be a bit pricey to get but it needs the least work.  It is in functioning order.. and it also doubles as a dimensional hubworld , you can hang up a painting of Scott and jump straight through his blog by jumping through a painting. I love Scott! he talks about such great tech!  There is room for a lot of those rooms.. and the castle is pretty much cleaned of all other furniture so you can move right in! The times of the princess being kidnapped is mostly over now, she recently plays a more active role in adventures so she is looking to move into a bit of a smaller place. With a bigger kitchen so she can make more cakes!  Also perhaps a bit of added security! So yes you might need a few tech upgrades here and there but over all I think this could be the perfect castle for you!

Pinkie: You actually might be right Phil, I really like this one.. though I really need to do something about that stained glass Window that is shaped like Princess Peach! I mean  I don’t like the coconuts of the island to start worshipping the wrong person!  I know I am getting some design changes soon.. so I might not look her a lot.. unsure do you think we can change that window Ted?

The Skylight

Ted:  That may proof a bit trickier than you think you see that  skylight opens up a dimensional portal to the sky domain if light shines trough it.. if we wear it down at the wrong time of day…or take to long we may actually rip a fabric in the space time continuum which could have disastrous results..  We may even be dragged straight to hell as depicted by the Poët Dante who’s famous work Inferno has become the blueprint of ultimate dystopia as we know it!  If I were to quote him in the original Italian it would go a little something like this….

Pinkie: Shut up Ted!

I really wanted to use this

Frederik: Oh Hai everyone.. I see you chose a second grade realtor.. while actually I am the one that should have been listed, so I just came to tell you all that and maybe start a bit of a fight with Phil.. as it will be good for the ratings! I know what you are going to see, Frederic you work in New York and the Mushroom Kingdom is not in there.. but if you have ever seen the Super Mario Bros movie.. you know the Mushroom Kingdom is actually set beneath Brooklyn.. so this is my turf! How dare you take on other Realtors.

Pinkie: Go away Frederik I doubt any of my readers will know who you are!  I wanted to use a Realtor for this post most people know and I first selected Kirstie and Allan from House Hunters UK .. but I opted out of that as well.. so you can go away too! Don’t you dare bring Josh Altman into this either.. these castles are not Million Dollar listings.. we pay fictional money here not real!

Frederic: Oh.. why did you not say that from the beginning anyway.. not interested then.. see you later alligator! I must say I love Paradise though! Can I grab a cocktail?! Maybe some of the delicious food as well?

Pinkie: Yeah yeah go ahead.. I am am busy! Phil… I love this place. It’s so cute and girly and it has a nice garden . how much would I need to offer to get this.. and could you please send these toads away?! It might be kind of unprofessional to let them hear how excited I am about this! They may make sure Peach gives a higher counter offer.

Phil: Oh no you don’t need to worry about these Toads Pinkie, they won’t spy for Peach, they come with the castle


Pinkie: …….. I’m Out!

Where did the "Shaking Toad" gif come from? - Album on Imgur

A Minecraft Palace

Ted: Pinkie, is your existence not based around that of the V-Tuber and do you not seek to return to YouTube once your health Issues pick up?!

Pinkie: That is true
.. why?!

Ted: One word:
Minecraf
t

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Pinkie: Building my own castle?! 
That seems like a lot of effort.

Ted: For Realz
And hey the effort could be video content!

Pinkie: I don’t want to spend two months building a palace and I bump my head all the time! If everything has blocky edges I’d hurt myself a lot! Plus I ‘d have to use a lot of cheats.. unless we find like a very little version of Steve that can just build a huge palace that it seems round it might not be a very good idea.

Ted: Look what I found though it is a tropical  Sandstone palace made in Minecraft set on a tropical island! It has a lot of space, and you can completely customise your house! It could be a fun thing to do with some members or Staff as well. You know build Paradise Island in Minecraft! There. Sandstone will keep you cool on hot days but also holds some heat in winter so it is a good way to build a home, it beats making a house of wool blocks and then getting a fire don’t you think!

Pinkie: Wow that’s a pretty palace I’d like to make something like that.. but let’s be honest I do not really have the patience for that. Could we not just imagine this is kind of like my palace?!  Just a lot of pinker?! Also who told you about my wool castle?! It still hurts! It was so fluffy! Then it was all gone! Let’s pass on Minecraft for now and wait untill I have enough followers to help me build such a thing! 

Stormwind Keep (World of Warcraft)

Stormwind Keep

Phil: Okay this one might be a bit bland for your taste, but it is highly customisable.. It’s built out of mostly white bricks,  and has held kings of Stormwind for many generations. It’s also set in a world where cities and castles can fly.. so getting it to Paradise should not be too hard.   It comes with a courtyard, throne room and has several rooms that can easily be adapted to suit all your needs,  it even has a bit of a protective wall, to keep the simps out!  It hasn’t been destroyed as much. Lot’s of rooms and no Toads.  It doesn’t come with any staff as most people  prefer to be stuck to a Stormwind of the past.  There is a lot of time shenanigans with a gnome, it somehow exists in several realms and some of them are pretty dead and we might be able to snipe one of these during a server merge or a Timeweaver event or whatever they are called.

Pinkie: Hmm I don’t dislike Stormwind keep! It does look nice without looking braggy! Those Lionheads can be replaced I assume?! How about the blue roofs can we make them pink Ted?!

Ted: I got into a lot of troubles due to Lionheads so I will happily take this one down .. Stormwind itself has coloured roofs for all districts, the mage district has purple shingles if we sun bleach them those will appear Pink.. .. Would you like to change the Lionhead into an effigy of yourself?

We need prettier decorartions

Pinkie: Eeew No! But yeah the Lionhead is a pretty tacky icon..  like .. oh we are a human organisation in a fantasy setting.. lets use blue banners and golden Lions.. .for some reason that is really unoriginal.  It is a bit of a bland generic  and the castle has that around it as well but.. to be honest it is filled with a lot of characters that are spoofs of other things, so it does really fit!  Let’s make an offer!  So how much do you think we should offer Phil?!

Phil: Oh don’t worry all we have to do is tweet that Diablo II Remastered will NOT have HD cutscenes.. that should shut down a server or two!  It will be cheap! Oh and have you heard about the new subscription plan?! This place will be a steal!

Pinkie: Ahhh Cancel Culture at it’s finest!  Now we should go on a hunt for some nice things to customise my new place!  Thanks Phil.. Thanks Ted!  And thanks to the reader who put up with this entire post! I hope you all shine on little lights! Oyasumi! Oh and if you want to help me in the accessory hunt.. you might want to consider supporting my Kofi!