Harry Potter and The Piece of Junk : Abigail (2019) Review

I have kind of built up a reputation as a person who reviews weird or bad movies. However in the land of SteamPunk.. I do not have that many options… there is one.. and it will follow soon enough but for most of these I go in blind. Still you have heard me burn movies to the ground but also talk about movies that are so bad that it’s good!  Abigail is NOT so bad that it’s good. It is BAD … yet despite that it’s bad I just REALLY like it. 

The Engine of this Movie

Abigail is the title of a 2019 Russian movie directed by Aleksandr Boguslavskiy. It’s a movie that stars Eddie Marsan, whom you may know from Atomic Blonde, Deadpool 2, Sherlock Holmes : A game of Shadows or V for Vendetta.  He plays the father of the title character Abigail who is played by Tinatin Dalkaishvili who played in movies.. whose title I can’t read. But one of them seems to be called 3BE3(The Letter A.. but it Melted)a.  She has a supporting cast of Gleb Bochkove, Artyom Tkachenko and  Rinal Mukametov and some others whose name I can’t  spell without looking at it a billion times. It currently holds a  4,9 score on IMDB based on 2766 reviews and a 40% on Rotten Tomatoes based on 25 reviews. Not exactly high scores and overall I would have to agree with the 5 out of 10 score.. if I review the separate elements.. but I had a lot of fun with this movie! 

The plot of the movie is fairly spoilery in itself. After all the plot is not really revealed for the first 20 minutes so if you are the no spoiler type of person look away now and pick up at the next paragraph. That being said, if you are a person of sound mind the plot will not hold surprises for you long as it is written for the young adults..early adolescent teens and preteens. If you are still here let’s discuss the basic plot. Abigail lives in a city that is closed off and ruled by a tyrannical government no one is allowed to cross “the boundary” because a disease roams there. This disease has also found its way inside their city walls..  when her father gets taken Abigail now grows up into a much harsher and insecure life.. however when she has come to age she learns the truth.. there is no disease. Magic exists and the government has fabricated all these lies to keep the mages out of the city. So the supreme leader is the only one that can do magic and can rule over all in a city of weak people to control! Abigail of course turns out to have magic and discovers a group of magical rebels..With them.. she might have a chance to save her father. In a weird way this movie very much feels like Steampunk Harry Potter (the movies, not the books) .

It’s Junk!

So normally I begin my reviews with naming the positives, however with this review I will get the negatives out of the way. When objectively critiquing a movie one might think to judge points like, Story, Acting, Effects/Looks and Direction and maybe Sound?  Either way this movie drops the ball on all of these aspects. Let’s begin with the Story. While the story of this movie isn’t all that bad the storytelling is horrendous. The story is cut together so rough it at times doesn’t even make sense. We barely know what is going on. Characters suddenly gain motivation at locations we aren’t even sure of what it is or have found themselves rather altered. Somewhere late in the movie Abigail goes to search a location with a theme of people.. literally one second later, they say they searched the entire place and that what they were looking for is not there and that is one of the more subtle cuts this movie makes. 

Characters gain crucial information on screen non stop, random characters are grabbed from the street and acted upon as if they are someone familiar. Even the part where Abigail is taught about Magic is kind of cut.. and this is a movie about her becoming a wizard. There is a lot of exposition about all the forms of magic though! Mages in this world do not use wands, they use junk like containers.. that work as a focus. Depending on if it’s a circle, a square or a triangle.. it does different things. Like square things are used for conjuration.. like summoning a wall of ice or rock , round things are used for evocation and basically are your main weapon and triangle things are used for alteration.. so to use wind to fly higher and stuff like that.. or at least I think it’s like that. It’s always kind of hard to see what kind of things they hold and I don’t think it’s that constantly used. Still there is some pretty interesting world building but.. we do not see the full story here..it feels more like a summary that misses some details.. and I mean that feeling is VERY strong.

This same behaviour is reflected in the direction, it is sometimes.. rather directionless. Shots are muddy and hold still on the wrong person. For example when there is a fight and one person is about to get a kill..the tension is in if they get the kill yet the shot cuts off to someone trying to stop them.. You don’t do that, you want them to fall over and then pan out to the person doing the shooting, it is much more dramatic that way. We get action shots of people walking into a sky fortress but instead of a sweeping overhead shot showing how big this place is.. we just walk in with the characters, we see the enemies with their backs turn.. not only would it not make sense for these guards to have their backs turned to your only entrance.. it also looks boring. First shot of the sky fortress and all we see is blacks and greys.  It kind of feels as if you are watching a soap opera instead of an epic fantasy movie.

That Soap Opera feeling is reflected through by FAR the worst thing this movie does.. it SOUNDS abysmal! This movie is shot entirely in Russia and done by russians but it got released mainly in English! I am not even sure there is a russian spoken version.. I assume there is but IMDB says there is not!  How did those russians speak english?! They got dubbed. The dub is bad… really really bad.. at least from our main character. It’s not that she is hard to understand.. but the delivery feels like she is reading her lines as a bedtime story to her kid… all the time! It feels like one of those older Tales of English Dubs. There is acting.. but it is all said so ridiculously audible that it sounds as if she is doing speech exercises.. It just feels so fake..  kind of like how germans dub things. Everything is so buttery smooth, there is no room tone, never a distortion or a broken line… all the sound is so clean no matter where they stand of if there are engines howling.

This hinders the acting as well, because we get this dissonant. We hear a character speak in a different emotion than we see on her face. Both the voice and the physical acting is overly expressive. Physically there is a lot of soap opera acting.. or how you see actors act on stage. It has something unnatural.. not that it is acting physically bad.. but more so.. this is not how a human would act in a certain situation. Characters that get slapped get the dramatic back of the hand slap so it looks more dramatic on camera or on stage and it doesn’t always match up with the acting we HEAR which amplifies both to look even weirder. At times I had a feeling I was watching a live action Cartoon or a live action anime even.. they are that dramatic as real people.. and that just looks weird.

Speaking of cartoons, some of the special effects look like they got rendered 20 years ago and thus have an incredibly cartoony feeling as well. The way magic works kind of looks cool, but you have no sense what is going on. But the airship, the fantastical creatures and some look like something you see on the SyFy Channel.. you know movies that are usually called Giant Terror Death Crab or  Terrible Terror Octopus.  It just looks too bright, as if shadows are missing or reflections and stuff.  I watch a lot of Corridor Crew videos and they told me how to trick their eyes into making cgi seem like part of the  experience.. this .. while it doesn’t look ugly does not do any blending at all.. it feels as if someone in photoshop is moving these things around. 

It’s Magic

And yet despite all of that, I had a wonderful time with this movie, which is weird because every single part of this movie kind of sucks. Yet that is the thing.. it just kind of sucks.  The story while it skips so much that is hard to follow is quite unique.  Magicians in a Steampunk world.. not being able to be killed because magic will always move on to the next person.. as energies can’t quell.. So instead the government has to find a way to get them all out? That is quite a neat idea. A government who strives for equality versus all versus a rebel group that strives for equality versus all is very interesting. These groups essentially have the same goal yet they are on opposite sites because one pursues no magic, while the other wants magic for everyone.. or no inequality for those who are magic at least. There are some really interesting concepts here. The way how magic works in this world following the principles of alchemy in a way.. is a very neat concept and it’s nice how subtle the references are at times! 

While the magic kind of looks awkward and you don’t really get what is going on.. the way of casting is quite unique.. It has this Harry Potter spell duel vibe.. but it feels much thicker.. less colour coded.. there is a lot of black and a lot of red in there.. but is it a fireball or is it arcane energy.. it isn’t exactly all that clear.  Yet that also makes it completely unique in it’s own way.. the fairy might look ugly but it is this movie fairy it doesn’t do that standard thing it is it’s own thing. The way it uses steampunk elements to work with casting.. not only in the devices but also in some magitech later on.. it’s charmingly unique in it’s very core.  It has something video-gamey .. or tabletop rpg like, with a major battle taking place with mages having their abilities nullified.. and the fight being on two fronts.. one with a very VERY videogamy puzzle and on the other hand a steampunk sword and crossbow fight that feels quite disney. .. if directed by a intern…

Even that super fake voice over at one point really kept me entertained.. not persé as a movie product but because it made me feel like I was playing an old timey rpg, or maybe listening to a fairytale audiobook or some youtuber do their own fanfiction  thing.  It felt cheap but in all the right ways… I did not enjoy it because it’s bad.. but it’s like seeing this helpless creature .. like a turtle on its back struggle! You just go N’awwww Abigail and you flip the turtle back up and you watch it hobble on for a bit still charmed by how klutzy that was. I always said I liked Pokémon that feel to clunky to be fully functional.. things  like Wobuffet, or Stunfisk or Dunsparce. This movie is a Dunsparce.  For those who don’t know Pokémon, I guess this movie feels like Krillin from Dragon Ball and subsequent stories.. mostly Z or Super Krillin… The movie is several steps behind the pack and gets blown away by just about everyone… but you can not help but care for the little thing!

It’s Fun

Using logic this thing.. it should not work.. this should not be as fun as it was to me.. and given that it’s only getting a 5 out of 10  by everyone else.. or even a 4 shows that.. but I argue that it is a 5 out of 10 movie because it is a 1 out of 10 movie and a 9 out of ten movie combined.  It has the charm that we can look past it’s flaws and say… sure little guy I had an okay time with you.  After bad dubbing, bad special effects, a cut up story and bad, bad direction (which I don’t have any justification for unlike the rest) what remains is still a movie that is okay. So in a way everything we can not quantify, anything that would be like the movies “feel” , the “spirit” it’s “emotional experience”  that is done so well that it makes this movie “watchable”. If we tally everything up.. we get a movie that is just watchable! This seems to be the consensus with movie goers that reviewed this as well… yet it reacts almost unlike anything else.

Nowadays when something scores a 7.0 it’s reviewed as if it is not worth watching, there is better stuff out there. Something that scores as 6 isn’t even talked about.. and yet it is this thing that people also mostly review for a 5.. that everyone says… yeah it did enough, it’s a bad movie but I was entertained and that is fine for once.That is what makes this movie so special. It has cute costume design. ..even though that also feels a bit over designed..but I will remember a few of these characters.. from a 5 out of 10 movie. It really has that Harry Potter charm (written by Daniel Radcliffe that series is)   infused in its DNA. Even though it sucks… ..in every way … it’s fun.. not because of the fact that is sucks but despite of the fact.. and that makes this movie special to me. I should rate this one Okiwi but because it is that.. it’s so special it even gets an upgrade.

A Pokémon Team for New Years Eve

For the next 4 days, I will do something a bit different on this blog. We will host a fictitious New Year’s Party on Pinkie’s Paradise and we will discuss who we will be inviting. Today we will look at what team of Pokémon I bring to the party, tomorrow I will look at 5 bloggers that would get an invite to my party. The day after we will invite some anime characters and if I have time on new years we will invite 5 game characters as well.  Maybe an extra post of movie characters to complete all my content forms but we will see, somehow inviting characters that look like real life people freaks me out more, so I might invite actors… work in progress. Anyway today we will discuss 6 pokémon that I will be taking to Pinkie’s Paradise New Years Party (or who’d be welcome on any other New Years Party  along with me). Why six instead of 5? Well because a full Pokémon Team consists out of six of course.

Party Pokémon 1: Chansey

New Years Eve Parties can get a bit wild. With fireworks going off, sparkly sticks in your hands, highly flammable hats on your head, alcohol in your blood and euphoria on the brain,  it can be “dangerous’ as well. I myself at least have been accident prone on New Years eve, wether it’s getting a cold from standing outside and watching fireworks, slipping on an icecube someone dropped on the floor, getting a door slammed in your face when someone you open the door for pushes it open somewhat to excitedly,  or drinking to much and suffering the consequences. A medic is always useful to have. Chansey is that type of pokémon. Chansey is basically the St Bernard of the pokemon world. For those who don’t now a St Bernard is one of those dogs that are drawn in cartoons to walk around mountains to dig people out of ice and then feed them alcohol, medicinal of course , from a keg at their collar.

(In reality they dont brave mountains, they just sleep though)

With Chansey’s egg we can make eggnog and she can even throw her egg to make it into a little bomb which means she even brings along some fireworks. Chansey is also the perfect size to help you bring some drinks. No matter what your poison of the evening is, she can fetch it for you. Since she makes medicine at the pokémon center we can assume she should be able to mix a cocktail as well so this is definitely a good first choice. Plus it’s pink! That’s like my signature thing.

(My chansey is not to great at bandading though so I hope the party is injury free, knowing me that is unlikely though)

Party Pokémon 2: Jigglypuff

Of course we want a performer at our party as well and what better pick than crowd favorite Jigglypuff. Of course you’d fall asleep if it sings  and it will scribble on your face, but as long as that happens before new years it can be a hoot and a half. Just imagine you and your friends set yourself up for a fun new years eve, you all dress up nicely, put on your silly hats, but something is missing. What is it? Having everyone be doodled on randomly of course. Hilarity guaranteed. While you all roll around the floor laughing from the artwork of this little pokémon, by now Jigglypuff can also function like an adorable pink Balloon decoration. Brightening up any place it goes. Plus in this day and age Jiggles has learned other sound moves that do not lul you asleep, so in 2019 and certainly in 2020 it should be able to pull of a song that doesn’t make you fall asleep.

(Took me a while to find this example. great video though)

It can learn disarming voice for a super peaceful song, plus it can learn Mimic. Put on the radio and let it use mimic and you will have the cutest karaoke you will ever see. Generation 7 also introduced an ability that could save yourself from Jigglypuff. The ability comatose. The pokémon Komala in the anime was the first creature ever to fully hear Jigglypuff’s song. Now I have heard that a lot of alcohol can bestow this ability as well, so hey Jigglypuff also encourages people to drink and have fun! So there is no way I am not bringing it along. And what do you know it’s pink!

(I hope it draws a unicorn on me)

*Disclaimer: In actuality we do not condone the activity of comatose drinking (it’s at least a thing here in the Netherlands) , we do encourage you to enjoy yourself at a party and have a drink but do so in healthy moderation. All statements about excessive drinking in this post are for entertainment purposes only…. and perhaps some poor life choices of Pinkie herself.

Party Pokémon 3: Klefki

Since I live in a 26m² apartment, New Years parties are not really ever held at my place. I could not fit more than 5 people plus booze and we usually celebrate with more people. Luckily this year we have my tropical island. But at the end of the evening there is always a problem. Getting home drunk. While you can always wander home on autopilot there is one thing that has always been tricky to me. Opening my door while drunk. It doesn’t help that I need several keys to go through several doors to get there and that they look exactly the same when sober. let alone when drunk. First of all for some reason, keys always dig into weird spots in your purse where you certainly did NOT put them. Than you have to find the right key and all while keeping your balance. Honestly there should be a better way.

(Not sure what infernal thing that left key gives acces to, so don’t ask)

Luckily there is. The Key Ring Pokémon Klefki! It loves getting keys and will never let them go, thusly never ever lose one. It is stated in the pokédex that bankers often use it to store vault keys in it and they use it to let it open doors. A keychain that will open doors for you plus keep your keys safe forever and ever seems like a briljant pokémon in general, but as a steel fairy type it can safely guide you back to your bed  is a delight to have after a big party. It won’t even eat the snacks as Klefki can feed themselves from sticking their horn in holes found in metal objects to absorb some metal ions. It’s a well behaved pokémon and it doesn’t hurt it has a pink decoration either.

(Whose a good key ring? Yes You are!)

Party Pokémon 4: Blacephalon

Nobody knows this pokémon exists, well barely anybody, so at the very worst you already have a great conversation starter when you bring along this pokémon to a party. It appears very clown like both in looks as in demeanour. While this Ultra beast is in some ways still a ghost type trying to rob you of your vitality, as well as an Eldritch Abomination of the pokémon world, there still is some merit in bringing this pokémon along to a party.  You have to make sure it will obey you or people WILL get killed at the party, but if it’s your buddy, this pokémon is New Years eve, encapsulated in a Beastball. Since it takes you about the entire evening to explain to people that it IS in fact a pokémon, that it only appeared into Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon and that someone did actually play those games and that they are not exactly the same as regular Sun and Moon, by the time it comes to show it off it will be around midnight and the perfect time to show of its abilities.

(Katey Perry want’s this pokémon, but she doesnt know it existis)

You see Blacephalon is the fireworks pokémon. It will throw it’s head away which will explode in some beautiful fireworks.  Once you are staring at it with oohh’s and aahh’s it WILL try to steal your vitality so keep that in mind but hey… free fireworks is still plenty of reason to bring it along. It doesn’t have to steal YOUR vitality it might just steal some of that weird uninvited person that always shows up at parties pretending to be best friends with you all. There’s always one of those. Even if it’s evil, the fireworks pokémon should not be missing on new years eve. Since it’s fireworks are blue and pink it can’t be THAT evil anyway.

(See, this pokémon will keep you entertained… in a very twisted way)

Party Pokémon 5: Shiny Celebi

Something that always happens to me, or us at New Years parties is one of the following. Option A;  You are having so much fun with your friends that somewhere during your party you actually here fireworks going off outside, whoops we missed new years, than your clumsily do the hugs and kisses dance that everyone does, fill your glass of champagne and run outside wasting half the firework show to find out where the prettiest fireworks are coming from. Option B : There is an odd number of people at the party and way before midnight you already know. At midnight I will have no one to hug or platonical kiss with. As that ten count goes down you see everyone just moving an inch closer to each other for the dance knowing you will be the last one to be shown love in the first seconds of this new year.

(Let’s hope the time travel portal stays stable this year, I would not want to repat last years incidident)

This year there is an Option  C for me however, since I am inviting a bunch of fictional characters, a few of them will be girls I’d like.. which one should I kiss first?  Luckily all these problems can be solved by the pokémon Celebi. A cute as buttons mythical pokémon that can allow you to travel time to solve all of these problems.  You can just go back and choose a better spot on the couch, so you are in the hug zone, you can kiss all the girls first and stick with the one who seems most into you and most commonly, you will never miss a new years countdown again. It also has the power to make wishes, moves that can heal you of burns and being poisoned and that is not even the best reason to bring Celebi along. It is said that when you see it a bright and shining future would await you and what better way to start the new year as with good tidings?! By now you should already have figured out why I would want it shiny! That’s right! It is pink!

(When it is shiny Celebi matches my outfit a lot better)

Party Pokemon 6: Shiny Alolan Rattata/Raticate

The coming year, 2020 is double twenty a fun number. 20-20 the millenium is the same as the decennium. So we just bring pokémon number 20 to celebrate. Or if you are a real trooper you take a level 19 Rattata and feed it a rare candy at midnight. Rattata evolves at level 20. So when Pokemon Number 19 moves to level 20 it becomes level 20. This already is like a perfect mind blowing event to do at midnight but it gets even better.  Your New level 20 , pokemon 20.. is ALSO the correct year of the Chinese zodiac. That’s right, Pokémon 20 is a rat, and the year 2020 is the year of the rat! That is to much poetic goodness not to take it.

(this GIF never stops being relevant)

Raticate can help you clean up after the party is done as well.  As a rat you can probably feed it all the leftover junk, plus some of the actual trash you made. Quiet efficient. The Alolan variant being a dark and normal type is also perfect to deal with your ghost type Blaceaphalon should it go out of control and kill too much people. It can not be hit by ghost type moves and can bite super effectively with a stab boost, so yes it will help you clean up your mess in more ways than one. While at level 20 it could still have a problem with the fireworks guy, but hey jigglypuff can put it to sleep before.  Just level that one without giving it a moonstone and you will be safe. While having snacks at a party is always beneficial I opted out giving this spot to an edible pokémon because… well i want to keep my pokémon and not find my Apletun three quarters eaten the next day. So poetic ratiness, has won plus I hate cleaning up and alongside Chansey we can leave her and Raticate up to their devices to clean. While the shiny isn’t exactly pink it’s close enough , it’s cheeks and tail are pink and itself is somewhat pinkly hued. Most people at the party will be too drunk to notice anway!

(I was to lazy to recolour it, too the shiny colours, but it’s still cute as heck)

For those not reading my other 3 posts on this subject Happy New Years already! But less happy than for those who will read my other posts as well!