Depression – Pinkie's Paradise

Hello little lights, today I wanted to talk to you about things that have been going on in my life. I failed to do a few uploads because I was busy chasing new projects. This post is a little update on how I am doing, What I am trying to do, and how I am trying to achieve it. It will go trough a few struggles I have been going trough with myself, the community and WordPress, as well as showing I am still working on realising my dream.

I am a nobody

This week, I got seriously burned on social media! I try to get more into it, playing these games people do where people assess you or interact with your platform, as well as I have tried reacting to people! However, due to my health being so frail over the past two weeks I have also been sleeping a lot and I barely manage to create my own content, let alone visit all your amazing content. I had little focus because I am medicated into being super groggy or in a lot of pain due to my muscles going quite volatile on me! Seeing people interact with each other on twitter usually cheers me up! Yet in a bad head space I realised, while people love to play these games with each other it is extremely rare for people to interact with me. Which is totally fair as I haven’t been always as sociable as I like either, but people don’t seem to really interact with those “who do you think Pinkie is” kind of posts. From my bad headspace, I took that the wrong way and created a super toxic situation for myself convincing nobody cared for me.

I know this to be untrue because my health updates got met with lots of love and sympathy, but you know that little devil on my shoulder explained that as, “they don’t care about you, they are just being polite and care about being deemed polite, see if everything is fine and dandy no one wants to interact with you”. I know I am the odd duck in the anime community, I might not even be truly a part of the anime community as that is not my main content but I always believed by simply being a geek, I’d also belong. Maybe I was wrong with that, maybe anime is truly the only things that binds us and by toning my anime content down I have estranged myself from you all. I need to be more social but for some reason my head is so full of stuff, Yet I struggle! Where do I belong?! I do not know and the past two weeks made me question everything. I do know you all are important to me even if I can’t always show it though! So maybe that goes around the same way, I can not assume you do not care, that is the devil talking! But he is making me really sick lately! I barely was able to get out of bed anymore!

I am me

Being confronted with my physical weakness and my sickness these past two weeks made me feel glum, the devil was there to devalue you all… or more accurately, devalue myself in correlation to how I would like you guys to see me. I want to do more anime content, but back pains are always present, just watching something doesn’t take away my pain, I need to be engaged in a game or a project to shut it of properly. Even then I just have a laptop, if I need to lay down and just watch something because the pain is to much, the laptop needs to be set up for that and the tv offers an easier solution. If I want to watch anime I constantly need to lean over to make screen captures… and I can’t.. I am pain… my heart has been kind of poorly functioning properly.. it’s weak. Oftenly giving me much lower blood pressure and then I feel sick like a dog, translating in my head can be overwhelming then. So all in all, anime hasn’t been my most suited media right now! Plus then there is my dream.

My writing isn’t the most accepted. It is a lot quirkier, than some of my more successful colleagues out there. This on the one hand gives me validation, I am unique so I have a right to exist. I am known in the blogosphere as well and I love that. Yet the devil keeps questioning on how sincere we all are. I know a lot of you are sincere in their interactions towards me, but how many would truly notice if I got to sick to blog and missed a week? I can not answer that question and I will never be able to! How many would send me a message with “Are you well?” out of their own accord?! I sometimes wonder about that, the devil says not a lot.. but cheerful little moth self tells me, perhaps those people just do not want to bother you, they just think they are bloggers to you after all. I can never know how you think about me, unless directly told.. but that also means that I can not adapt me to be someone that is liked more, even if directly told, what about the silent ones! They have a voice as well! So I never can answer what is the best me for you all… so I just have to be the me that I truly am and take the pain when it’s not good enough and revel in the joy for when it is! That is also why I am doing let’s plays and Nuzlockes now! I have a lot of fun playing those! If that interests people that is great , if it doesn’t, at least I had fun! So while I know my new content isn’t as well received as some other posts.. it is something I have to do to be able to get up in the morning.

I am more than a Blogger

I have told several times that this blog was made because I do not have a strong voice, I can talk okay, but I can’t talk constantly, sometimes I just can’t bring out words and only whisper. I always saw that as a quality that will keep me off YouTube forever, and started my blog to be the “voice free” version of that. Yet as I grow I realise that this medium has its limitations, while I do love blogging a part of me feels as if my dream isn’t being fulfilled. Imagine asking your parents for a dog, but all you get is a Hamster. While you love Fluffy Whiskerson with whole your heart and are super grateful to your parents for giving you this great addition in your live, it doesn’t take away that need deep inside you to play fetch with something, go on walks with a loyal quadruped that comes back to you when you call it’s name. Blogging is my hamster. I treasure it deeply.. but some things I want to do as a creator I can not do as a blogger. While my limitations on YouTube are ample, I lack proper materials for video editing, I lack the voice and the self promoting skills to make that work will probably prevent me from ever growing the size I am on here I feel as if I need to pursue it still as a bucket list thing of sorts.

I am a gamer that happens to like anime but due to my connection to OWLS I started fitting anime content in my blogging content as well, Pokémon Gaming got expanded as well as I realised more content made me happier. However I am now at a point where it has “stranded” me. Not in terms of content creation but in turns of development. Most of my readers are tied together by anime, and while I do enjoy anime, I do not think that is what binds me to you guys! Due to my content selection, I feel what binds “us” is WordPress. We share this amazing platform to show our ideas and we give each other time because we show up in each others Reader. That is fine because it connects us through a joined hobby! Writing! And I love you all for being there for me and showing off your amazing blogs! Yet I am like the little Mermaid here!

Pinkie’s Remade Song!

I wrote a cover of the Disney Song to express my feelings! I Include the instrumental version of Part of your World that follows the text in a YouTube video, if you need to follow the rythm of my text please visit my website outside of reader!

Look at my blog, isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my content is complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
Girl who has everything?

Look at this blog, stories untold
How content can one website hold?
Looking around here you’d think
Sure, she’s got everything

I’ve got Follows and Likes A Plenty!
I’ve got achievements and Views Galore!
You like loyal readers?!
I’ve got twenty!
I do care!
I love it!
But want More!

I wanna be where the people are!
I wanna see, Wanna see them simping!
Following me simply for
What was the reason?!
Oh, Me!

While my blog made me go really far,
Vids are required to tell my stories!
Walking you trough my…
what was my focus?!
Games!

Up where they talk!
Where content plays!
Where I really hope to find a new space!
Creating more me!
Limitless Free!
My YouTube World!

What would I give! If I could live!
Out as my true self!
What would I pay, to spend a day
As the true me!

I need to vent, please understand,
I am not calling you out dear reader!
But this creator, needs to update her…
true content!

I am ready to spread my wings and Soar!
Find new Interactions,
And find some answers!
Can I succeed or will i get..
what’s the word?
BURNED!

When it’s my turn?!
Can I be Loved! Or Will I just end up getting Shoved?!
I need to grow!
Out of this low!
As the true me!

Who am I?!

Do not mistake this for me quitting blogging! I am merely expanding! I will not quit nor even take a break! However, I am in the pursuit of Happiness for myself and that might mean that I will one day rather work on a YouTube Video than post a blog! The other day I might photoshop over some scenes in an iconic song and post a blog 7 hours later than I normally would! I am overwhelmed, I am not doing to great mentally and physically.. but those limitations are just as much a part of me than my dreams. Yes I would love to give you content each day.. but if my heart can’t handle it, if I am in to much pain, that is a part of me I have to accept just as much as that part that says blogging alone isn’t enough! That is alright!I can’t force my heart to beat correctly for the sake of content as much I want. I can’t make my muscles relax on days anime content is supposed to released and I can’t always smile the sorrows away sometimes I just need to accept my lesser parts as well. And YouTube offers a more creative outlet to forget those pains.

Monday February 1st I will start with a long project of going to hospitals! Medicine, Psychology and later on even surgery will all be part of this and I do not know how it will effect me! I might have very rotten days where I need to stay in bed, or stay at the Hospital which is far away for me. It is so I can be my true self however, and live a much healthier, happy live, in that spirit I decided to already start taking a bit more liberty with content creation schedules! Do stick with me though becauseI have plenty of stuff left to tell!

As for you my little lights, I have seen a lot of bloggers talking about the importance of consistency to let your blog grow and be successful! Be sure to never let that overshadow yourself however! You are the most important element to your blog! Without you , there is no blog or no content what so ever. So if you want to try something else to see if it makes you happy, be it podcasts, YouTube or heck even pro-gaming or making memes or whatever. Don’t be afraid to chase a dream! Your dreams can be petty! Yes I would love a simp of my own which sounds petty but there are reasons I assure you! However that is to long of a story to still tell! By doing a lot of research I found a good text to speech program so I can get my words out there, I found a free 3d model program, free editing software and even free face rigging software! It will not get me to where I want, but it will help me start the chase! I am more than then what I create! I am also what I dream about and I am also defined by the things I can not do! Only by accepting it all will I find my true happy place and my true Paradise!

Hello again Island Guests, the resort has been closed for a far while but after doing some mental cleaning I am finally back again. To start off let’s discuss a bit what has been happening with me over the past few weeks.

Identity Crisis

In real life I try to be more and more like my online persona, the cheerful pink bubbly me, which I actually consider to be the truest version of myself. However there are several obstacles in my way to do this. These include my health, but also my family situation. I am an advocate of unconditional love, of being yourself to the fullest, love me for the geek I am and not for the normie socialite I on occasion pretend to be to make things easier and all. On my birthday and date of my last post my dad made a one minute telephone call to me to congratulate me on my birthday, but that he did not have any time to spend with me for the next month or so. He had no time for my birthday or for me, he had one day available to me but unfortunately that day I had made a solemn promise to a dear friend. Something important to that friend, something in the geeky nature. This friend has always been a devoted follower of my tabletop role plays but since his education had called him away on roleplay nights we never saw him anymore. Due to his social anxiety we could also not see that friend in social situations so we decided to host him one big group night, ages before my dad told me that was the only day he had available on my birthday. No matter how important things are to me, if I make a promise to a friend I stick by them, unless I am utterly unable to do so. So I told my dad , that this date did not work out for me and that I promised to give my friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and who missed us dealy a geeky night centered around him.

This was not to my dad’s liking and he told me to stop thinking the geeky things are important, while he blew me off for his band pratice the day before he was available. This friday I would see him again finally and we could talk things out, something I desperately needed, his brother is giving this big Christmas party and he was supposed to show .. as his employee. It would be the only time my sister and I see him before christmas and New Year too. However he cancelled these plans because he could go to some snooty Jazz concert he preferred over seeing his own kids. The whole , christmas spirit along with the message of unconditional love and togetherness made me realise, that I did not have that. It broke me, perhaps I had to change perhaps my search for identity is misguided and I should just be who the wold wanted me to be, perhaps I did not matter. All those happy families on the commercials are also perfectly normal.

The toxicity of happiness

The season did not really help, mother is working with christmas, my sister is moving up north to celebrate at her boyfriend’s place. While I do not particularly mind being alone, the season of happiness emphasises that something was wrong with me. I am not looking for a romance, I am not looking for that sitting near a fireplace and carolling together. Yet the way the season portrays it is, that if you are even remotely loved, you’ll have to spend the holidays together or you are NOT loved. I am more likely than not, to spend Christmas day, and potentially boxing day alone. Something I do not inherently mind, but the tv is making it seems that that means I am unloved. Something I do mind.

November and December are enforcing this to the extreme and are causing me extreme discomfort. It’s the month where I choose to betray myself to gain that fake TV happiness or where I am Alienated even further than I already am. It’s a month of toxic happiness Bigotry and Commercialism try to suppress individuality . While I do have some people who’d want to celebrate Christmas with me.. it’s just something that isn’t happening this year, which is not bad .. but it is made to be so. Even if I don’t have a merry christmas for perfectly valid reasons, the season depicts it as if it means I am unloved .. something am really vulnerable for right now.

No Rest

While I keep struggling and can’t really find my footing until these dreadful days are over, there also is no safe space for me. My place is being cleared of asbestos which means that every week day from 7am to 4pm I have construction workers, chopping ot windows, woking on metal scaffolding, hopping on my balcony and shouting in front of my windows.. day in day out. I live in a seven floor studio, if I lay in bed they see me… they will comment on it. If I play a game they will shout at me that someone like me should not play games or just some other stuff. It created a constant state of anxiety and restlessness that completely broke me down. i did not want to be at home because of the noise, but I did not want to be n the city either because of all the enforced happiness. My best friend, seemed to be moving away from me (which in the end she did not but for the last two months it seemed like she would move a lot further away) meaning she had little time to lunch and only had to look at houses further and further away from me. I could not go to here either like I used to. My most geeky friends turned very reclusive due to similar reactions to the holidays as me as well.. but instead of still ..kinda wanting love.. they just live through their avatars in their mmo’s .. meaning I could not hang out with them anymore either. No place was safe, no where could I catch my breath let alone reset my mind to begin blogging again.

Charlie

It all would change when I had a salon-day with my sister and mother. Mother tried to make a deeper effort to understand me and who I am at that day, we had deep talks and improved our bond, which wasn’t that bad to begin with..just a bit alien at times. Mother is somewhat classical and wanted to look normal in front of people, over the past few years she little by little came to accept that people can accept her while not being the standard either which led to us becoming closer. During the two days we were there we find out who we truly are and to stop filling in ideals that might play in each others heads. It was during this time if I could look over my sisters dog for the weekend. His name was Charlie, a toy poodle (it’s a real dog type not an actual toy ) that has a hint of something else in it’s blood. That was the weekend I really got some unconditional love from the little creature. The three days I could spend with it gave me a second wind, restored some of my ambitions and beliefs. My day with mom and my sister laid the groundwork and Charlie really helped me build the stairs I needed to crawl out my hole. Of course Charlie had to go home again after the weekend and I cried my eyes out after he left, but it felt like an emotional blokkade had finally left me.

A void in me had been sort of filled. A dormant side of me woke up and for the first time in quite a while, I felt alive and that the things I preach feel real again. Charlie gave me my voice back. Unfortunately since the dog is just Co-owned by my sister and a complicated situation there I am unsure if I can get Charlie to stay over that more oftenly, we bonded super well but I do not want to further that bond of those complications can take Charlie even further away. So while the happiness is fleeting it is real nonetheless. It was enough to bring me back and ready myself for a new season. On Pinkie’s Paradise I can decide my own holidays, I can be the me I want, I do not have to be like those people on tv. I can finally relax again! So resort is back open boys girls and all you lovely non-binaries.
Welcome back and welcome back me!

Tag: Depression

Pinkie Thinks & Sings: A Reflection and Song About Pursuing Content Creator Happiness