Dinosaurs – Pinkie's Paradise

A BIT of History (Part 3) Joe and Mac Caveman Ninja

It is time for another trip to the past. Today we are going back to 1991 , to one of the first co-op games I ever played with my sister. Aside from the Turtles games. In this game we go back to early age of man as we take control of two cavemen..who also happen to be Ninja..apparently.. as well as the earliest womanisers. Joe and Mac.. in their first outing on the SNES , Joe and Mac Caveman Ninja

Barebones

Caveman Ninja is a bit of a hybrid between a beat them up and a platformer. In which you take control of Joe who journeys throughout several stages collecting power ups to attack with but also making jumps up tree’s mountains and across lakes. You fight big dinosaurs to claim back one of the many cave-women, and you progress to a new stage that while in a linear order are connected to a world map. Stages hold some secret totems that can unlock more stages or bonus stages so if you want there is lots to explore. If you do not feel like exploring that is fine as well because you can still get a satisfying ending by just doing what is absolutely necessary. I followed the latter route..because I discovered something. Without my little sister to play this with this game feels a bit… empty.

***Like a screen without enemies or usefull upgrades***

This SNES game is made to be played by two and it shows throughout the game. While what it offers is fine and functional this arcadelike co-op game really only shines when played as such. All by your lonesome you can enjoy the solid controls the okay soundtrack and the quite likeable graphics..but there is this sense of tedium. I like to compare this to the battle of helm’s deep where Legolas and Gimli played .. who can kill the most Uruk-hai with each other. It lifted that action scene to something more unique..for both them as well as the audience. Playing Joe and Mac alone.. felt like Legolas standing there alone. Easily picking off some foes he clearly is going to conquer. While it hits the same action beats.. the magic is a bit gone.. this would even go for Legolas, who not remember losing that game now and probably just mention it as “ a battle”.. and that was the experience I have gotten with this classic tittle.. it’s just another game.

***I see.. because I am alone I could not play SUPER game ..***

Reinventing the wheel.

The biggest issue I had with this game is weirdly that I did not feel like a Caveman… or a Ninja. I think if I ask you guys .. what weapons does a caveman use.. I dare say that at least 90% of you would say club! You do use that weapon in Joe and Mac.. for about five seconds. After which you pick up your first power-up. After which this game becomes a sort of projectile based, platformer, beat them up. Somehow when you want to play a caveman you want to bonk stuff on the head till it dies.. not throw bones at them. Yes tossing bones is your main attack in this game. In a way this game becomes a sort of 2d horizontal space shooter.. with platforming and beat them up elements.. which sounds nice and it doesn’t really play bad.. but something just doesn’t connect for me. There are a few powerups that you can collect but they don’t feel that different. I could not really tell what they did differently aside from maybe angle and a slight difference in damage. Never had I an idea like “oh this works well” or “this totally doesn’t work” it’s all on that level of.. sure whatever. I want more Oogah Boogah Club club! Points for being original.. but sometimes a girl just wants to whack dinosaur skulss with a large piece of wood.

Bones, wheels, boomerangs fire are the upgrades you use to hurl at dinosaurs, bones of dinosaurs and crazed caveman. Each dies fairly easily and if you remember a bit how enemies move you will be able to dispatch them quickly. Each stage has a boss , making it feel closer to those old beat them ups again and once this boss has been dispatched you get kissed by a girl and move on to rescue the next. My favorite weapon was the wheel. It was a bit slower.. I think.. But did more damage, I am not sure if i used it correctly but at least I had some semblance of fun when using it. The boomerangs I felt were like obnoxious bones so I never used those. I did use bones though to hit some of the faster moving enemies..but rarely. Still .. where is the Ninja weaponry. Where is the ninja jumping, where is the ninja element of this game? Well .. this game is even less Ninja.. than Ninja Baseball Batman (which is one of my favorite beat them ups ever) and even in that one the ninja part was kind of iffy. In a game called Caveman Ninjassomehow the chosen gameplay makes me feel neither like a caveman or a ninja.. that has to be a flaw right?

***So..besides being Caveman and Ninja’s they are also Australian… which would explain their names!…Kinda?***

Fire

Does that mean this game is terrible? No , in fact this is quite a lovely game. The controls are smooth, the gameplay has a nice flow to it and it looks pretty as a peach. There is plenty variety in the stages and Joe (and Mac if he is there) are well animated. There is a lot of humor in the game. When you hit an enemy it does feel satisfying because of the adorable hit animations on most dinosaurs. It just doesn’t really feel like you caused that impact. During the first 60% of the game.. the first hour and a half or so, I was entertained throughout. Happily sending some awesome screencaps to my friend.. but he lost them. Into the second half of the game we begin to see the classic tropes of repeating enemies, reskinned boss fights and all of that jazz, but in doing so it can bring back a font memory of the flaws of the past. This game really uses those flawed tropes and manages to build a still entertaining game with it. It’s just never amazing.It’s like cooking on a fire, you’ll get your nutrients of the egg you are baking on an open fire all the same.. but your omelette would have been nicer in a more controlled environment.

***Well at least breaking the egg won’t be that difficult for my omlette***

Due to it’s weird gameplay .. which still is oddly satisfying yet can’t sate any appetite, it is not a game I can easily compare with anything. Each genre it uses has better games. Like Pocky and Rocky for co-op 2d shooting with cute characters for example. Or Donkey Kong for the platforming stuff. Turtles in time is a better arcade beat them up yet oddly there is no game like Joe and Mac that is better than it. Maybe Mystical Ninja.. but that is once again a very different feeling game. In a way it kind of feels a bit like a “my first retro” game suggestion. It has a bit of all the forgotten genres. The beloved classics. So if you want to pick up retro gaming.. to take your first steps Joe and Mac is kind of a really solid choice.

***Ways to dodge a boss are pretty well telegraphed as well***

It’s forgiving it teaches you the fundamentals of platform timing, it is action packed and colourful and with a friend I am sure it can be a hoot and a half. Losing your last life will boot you out of a stage and makes you re-do it and by the time I finished the entire game I never experienced a penalty more severe than that…which is good because of the level of tedium would have shot way up and the last few stages already felt to repetitive. It knows what it is and caters to that so the game can be played by basically everyone who has a free night on their hands. It’s filled with plenty of flaws.. but some of those flaws we can still be nostalgic about.

**Kinda looks like the T-Rex skull on the wrong neck. Undifed Undead Dino.**

Going for the Bronze

At least Joe and Mac teaches us a bit of things about history. Before I played this game I always thought that Humans and Dinosaurs lived in separate ages unless in cartoons.. but hey these guys are ninja’s and those are always serious. Nor was there ever a Joe and Mac cartoon! So that must mean these events are the actual history. Humans and Dinosaurs did live together. Also the wheel was not invented for transportation but for combat reasons. It is very good against T-Rexes and for removing Mastodont trunks, from the elephant creature while they still are live! Dinosaurs also loved to captured young ladies.. or people did to feed them to the dinosaur.. history is kind of vague about that one. Still it is all rather fascinating to see how even vegetarian dinosaurs used to capture girls and be all evil! In fact even dead dinosaurs did! That is right .. in one stage you fight the skeleton of a brontosaur which has captured a dame. Who knew that dinosaurs like human females as much. I guess it explains why King Kong does what he does. I mean I bet he evolved from dinosaurs too! So it makes sense.

***You broke off those tusks.. later the tusk as well. Later it got cybernetic replacements and became a Zord though!.***

Also it shows that christianity existed before the birth of jesus, because the final boss is the devil. If your character dies they become an angel, which clearly shows that caveman clearly had some christian values! Which was really surprising! I really figured JC started the thing. Apparently that was all a lie! Maybe the story of this game made Joe lust for many women so he actually steals them from the dinosaurs.. but he finds out it is actual Satan manipulating his lusts so Satan can claim the souls of the first ninja’s ever in existance. Again History can be quite unclear about it’s motivations. Especially in the age before cutscenes were invented. It wasn’t even that hard to defeat satan, we did not need hours of introspection or prayer .. we just needed 300 stone wheels and 500 bones. Now there is a lesson that is practical. Satan’s weakness is wheels! So toss a tire at him next time you see him.

**Boning Satan also helps in defeating him!**

Joe and Mac by no means is a must play, but it is not something you will regret playing either. It can be a delightful low brow evening with a friend that you can play on your old consoles with a brewski or two. Most of these Beat them ups or 2d shoots are insanely difficult… like Pocky and Rocky for example.. and therefore can be a bit unrewarding to play, yet with Joe and Mac you are sure to have a good time. Yet at the same time I can’t help but feel this game is “that safe choice”. No matter what type of player you have this game is fine for basically every retro enthusiast but if you put it on no one will have an AMAZING time either. It’s like that student that always goes for “the passing grade”. It doesn’t go for the win as long as it can finish on the podium or in the ranking. That is something I take greater issue with somehow as someone trying to be great but failing but that is strictly a personal thing of mine. In the two hours and a bit I had played I mostly had fun and I honestly think anyone will. However I am fed up with caveman for now and it is time to leap a few years ahead. To the age wear people began to wear sheets instead of skins. Where philosophers and titans ruled supreme! We travel to the age of the third place.. . I wonder.. did people forge stuff with gold and zilver first and did bronze actually came in third or is that something different. We will find out next time!

**You might taste some Berry in your first stips and some Pineapple in the last.. but over all it is a pretty average OKiwi flavored game!**

Thank you again for reading my post and supporting the blog ! If you like my content back sure to follow the blog or check me on twitter so you do not miss any of my brainfarts! Tell me about some historic retro games I should play in the future! Now I shall board the TALDIG again and we shall meet again in the future and 1988 and 1200 BC! Remember I love you all, keep smiling and stay positive!

XO
Pinkie

**Current Ko-Fi Project: Getting a commison for a real unique avatar and art!**

Previously on A BIT of HISTORY

Part 0: What is Pinkie Doing now

Part 1: E.V.O. The Search for Eden

Part 2: Flintstones Treasure of Sierra Madrock

And Next Time!

A BIT of History (Part 2): Flintstones Treasure of Sierra Madrock

My TALDIG is fired up once again. Today we look at the past trough video games of the past yet again. As my mutating Fish-Bird-Kotowaru-Evolve thing stranded in the early age of men! Let’s begin there! Because there is a lot we can learn about this. Like if we believe history books, Humans and Dinosaurs never lived together.. but if we look at these games.. we clearly find evidence that they did! And today’s game even proofs they had a advanced society…. AND mode 7 graphic segments.

I wanted to do some ccover-art.. but now I can give you art and the main theme! Yay!

This is how we Rock

This licensed based game was first released to the public in America in the month or march of 1994. Europe and Asia would get the game a few months later in June and August respectively. The game was developed by Taito who also published it. In this game de designers build a game that used the Flintstones License into a Platformer with some board game, racing game and mini game elements. Anno 2020 a loose cartridge will cost you at least €25,- in Europe (PAL) but the American version easily run upwards of $50 dollars. In original packaging the game can easily run you upwards of $150,- dollars. Trough completing platforming stages a player can move up to two character (Barney and Fred) through a board game stage where they have to hit a few set encounters to complete a pathway to four additional areas. Movement on the overworld is RNG based so if you fail that stage with lots of bonus items.. you might not get to play it again but at the same time if you get stuck, RNG could make you skip a level you can’t beat.

*Fred is already looking for innocent dinosaurs to club!*

It is a interesting and novel concept to play around with that has some issues in the first half of the game. In the first map your fated encounter travels across the map himself and with Wilma and Betty walking around the map, who upon encountering them can set you set back several spaces the chase of this water Buffalo guy can make this game feel way more tedious than it is in later stages. The game has a pretty exploitable life gain mechanic in the form of bingo. Each time you exit a stage the last digit of your time left gets crossed of a bingo card, the more paths lines you form with a digit the more lives you have. This resulted in me ending the game with 82 lives, which would have capped at 99 if I did not discover the sprint button so late into the final world. All in all gameplay wise it’s a bit more floaty than Mario but due to how different it feels it just feels like a nice, slightly to easy change of pace.

***The Wheel when invented cleary did things It doesnt anymore!***

One Stone

Did you know that in the stone age they already had clubs and secret societies? Did you know they already played bowling and had some sort of olympic coliseums where they held foot races, car races and even ice skating competitions? Did you know that the cavemen had game shows that involved playing several mini games like Bobbing Monkeys on the head, Playing pinball with an armadillo and a shooting range for catapults? Well it’s in this historical game so clearly it must be true! In this game the Great Poobah, whatever that is decides to retire so he leaves everything he has.. in one TREASURE! He who will find it shall be named King of the Water Buffalo’s… wait a second…. this basically is the story of One Piece!

***(He actually said those who find….. the treasure.. but this would be cool as well)***

***So both stories.. are explained on parchement as well..Hmmm***

I am actually not kidding. Fred has to find maps, a compass and other tools to help him find a treasure their great leader has hidden. He who finds the treasure shall be made the new leader of the Water Buffalos. So all these silly people spread out across the world to search for this treasure. So you see boys and girls, the Flintstones did this story 3 years before the first one piece manga came out! It was invented in the age of cavemen! Not the age of pirates. At least now we can safely assume that Gol.D.Roger’s ancestor was the great Poobah once. Such an honour. Anyway …… This story let’s you traverse through five different worlds. There is about 10 ish platforming stages in each with a few boss stages and special event stages in between. You jump, climb, battle and race yourself to the title of Great Poobah… or you allow your wife to take you home and allow her to wear the pants in this relationship.. even if pants have not been invented yet.

***Not sure if this abuse flies anymore!***

No TRubble

In the town of Bedrock we fight big monkeys tossing coconuts, we cross waterfalls, beat huge armadillo’s and jump over stampeding cows. Occasionally we also have to avoid a cop car… and no you dumb dumbs in the age of the flintstones cars did not have engines yet.. you just ran in them… you just could run a lot faster in them because they have wheels! Like big steam press ones! Jeezs! Get to learn your history guys! It’s good I am doing this thing. In the volcano level you mostly avoid tar pits, walk on huge stone balls that always fall out of Volcanoes for some reason. Not sure why.. but why are these rocks always huge stone balls? I mean it makes sense because now we can run on them like they are a barrel.. in every video game. But why are they so round? But again lesson learned.. apparently 20.000 BC all volcanoes .. and there were a lot of them, only spat perfectly spherical stones. They don’t tell you that during history class but fudge me.. that is interesting.

The Flintstones Treasure of Sierra Madrock does take a bit to get used to. Fred and Barney have this Yoshi like hover jump along side a bit floatier jump than Mario. Apparently in the past humans could run in the air. But since they did live with dinosaurs.. and Yoshi is a Dinosaur who also knows that moves.. that kinda makes sense. They must have seen the dinosaurs do it.. and mimicked it.. however with the Dinosaurs extinguished by a perfectly round meteor the knowledge must have been lost. Lessons. Mankind in the form of Barney and Fred later unlocked a double jump by completing a complete olympic lap in under a minute which also explains why I can’t double jump. So again I think it’s safe to say this part of history is verified. Of course the double jump only works if you have clams in your pocket and I never do.. except for that one time. But that explains why Usain Bolt never double jumped either. All in all the first two areas are perfect to teach you how to play the game. Once you figured out how timing works in this game you can zoom past these stages.

***After getting hit by so many cocouts Barney Swelled up all big and purple.. and kinda braindamaged he thought he became a dinosaur***

On the Rocks

Difficulty ramps up a bit during the ice stage, the platforming takes a bit of a puzzle aspect in some stages using slippery platforms and launch pads to spice up the actions. Unfortunately by this time any platforming enthusiast will have somewhere in the area of 60 lives already. Now that supply WILL dwindle there but in this stage the Board game aspect really hurts the game. Sooner or later you will roll another digit on your bowling ball (I have not figured out how these caveman made that work.. perhaps like a magic 8 ball) and skip the stage you are having trouble with. Is this a good thing… I guess, you’ll never get stuck , but I also lacked a sense of satisfaction to finally beat a stage I struggled with, because some others are just so easy still. Luckily you can keep walking in an area to complete all the levels, but while the bowling ball is heavily biassed to roll 1 (instead of 2 or 3) it’s kind of annoying to walk around waiting for you to land on the right tile to finish that one level you want to beat.

The fourth world of the game is a jungle themed one and is a complete throwaway , it’s super easy. I did not die a single time in this world. It was in this world that I stopped completing all the stages as well because I knew they would not pose any challenge. This world mostly revolves around the mechanic of flying platforms. You see back in 20.000 bc a lot of Ptera dinosaurs, (not sure if Pteranodon or Pterodactyl) were born with a chain and platform attached to their feet. If a human jumped onto them the weight increase would scare them and prompt them to fly to a nearby platform so the human could jump of. Of course in the treetops of the jungle there aren’t a lot of platforms so they would fly to their family so they could carry the human for a while instead. In theory is a moving platform world something potentially quite challenging, but with the moveset of Mister Rubble and Mister Flintstone as well as the movement speed and sheer size of these platforms it might even be the easiest world yet. The flavor is also a bit lost as the Water Buffalo’s did not get this far, from here on out no more ice racing, mini games or cafe’s to buy life points.
So now it became a kind of generic platformer.

**Now he is regretting not inventing pants sooner!**

A rock solid game to Yabba-Dabba-Do

The final world is a series of dash to the finish stages that can be surprisingly challenging. They all feel extremely samesey though .. It’s like the cave stages in Super Mario World.. the Donut Plains 2 stage. It’s basically exactly that.. just harder.., with a 30 second time limit and the bats look more evil and instead of gold.. there is just more rock! There were a lot of strange things about stone in the stone age. Not only does having a stone wheel make you walk faster.. It could also rise up and down from the ground to block your path and crush you. Or it could delay you long enough for you to starve.. even if you ate an apple 30 seconds ago. Cavemen were weird back then. This fifth world has two tiers which means you have to play that samesy stage over about 15 times.. maybe 12 with some lucky rolls. I had fun, I felt challenged but each stage that started I was like..again..? Why am I not finished yet?

**Fun fact.. All these three are a different stage and all look like the other 12.**

After the fifth world you find the treasure and become the new great Poobah! But oh no! Your wife emancipated 22.000 years before most did so now you have to run or you will be dragged home by your ear! Since that now is 5 continents away.. you better avoid that. And we see the end credits. I finished this game in just under three hours and could have been a lot faster had I discovered the sprint button earlier and not feel the need to complete all stages. Yet for the first three worlds I did indeed feel compelled to do it all. Which speaks well enough on it’s own to tell you how this game feels. 50% I really enjoyed and the other 50% was solid to playthrough but I felt saturated. Since you do not want to use the password system of this game (believe me) this is one of those.. finish in one go kinda games.. not counting the power of the sonic save state. So for what this game is.. a game for an evening, this game feels pretty solid. Each time you play , be it alone or with a friend the rng system will give you a bit of a different route. It still will be easy for most who platform a lot, and if not I would not assume this game to be on your radar, but that is okay sometimes. It’s a perfect game to unwind. I LOVED and I mean LOVED the cries the characters make when hit , both Barney and Fred as the Dinosaurs who get clubbed! Such Kawaii death sounds!

Check from 11:40 till 12:40 if you want a demo on all the cute sounds.

It’s such a shame that you will most likely mute them… because the music in this video game.. while not bad… is SOOOOOOOOO repetitive. Each world has 1 or maybe 2 world themes. A racing theme and an overworld theme. Yet each stage has 10 stages so hearing that same song every darn stage can make you lose your marbles. It is nice that the first overworld rocks a jazzy rendition of the main flintstones theme and the level completion music is cheery as well..jeesz a little variety never killed anyone. Personally I would have liked it if they went for a hard ,medium or easy route to get to a target each time you could switch lanes (difficulty) or progress of course with more rewards along the harder routes. Each difficulty could have it’s own music as well .. that would be killing two birds with one stone. Could it be more yes! Yet all in all the 2,5 hours I spend on this game I still say where well spend. Not worth the $150,- but if you happen to be able to play it .. SOMEHOW. It’s worth a quick playthrough!

**Slight notes of Berry can be detected but that flavour that loses in intensity half way down the drink!**

Now Fred has been locked outside his door once more, so it’s time to move on before he starts pounding and yelling. Next time we will look at our final pair of caveman, who have a sweetheart in every stage! Next time we finish our prehistory arc with Joe and Mac: Caveman Ninja’s… Did you know caveman could be Ninja’s? Neither did I .. but then again Ninja’s have always been secretive.. so it makes sense.. so it must be true! But that 1991 story will have to wait for the future! Remember I love you all and keep smiling!

XO

Pinkie

**Use this actual in game password to check out other BITS of History!**

Previously on BIT of History

-Part 0: What is Pinkie Doing now?
-Part 1: E.V.O. The Search for Eden

Next time:

A BIT of History (Part 1) E.V.O. The Search for Eden

Hello again my island guests. Today is the official kickoff of this new series I will be hosting on my blog. I talked about what this would be in Part 0 but today we will finally start time traveling. E.V.O The Search for Eden was a game I rented. But it was an american game so I had to rent an adapter with it. I remember really liking this game so I planned to revisit it. After I finished this.. I am pretty sure young Pinkie was either more insane than I am right now… or just really loved the idea of using the adapter. The first destination of the TALDIG… 4 BILLION years ago.

(For Some reason this guy stole my theme! But hey it fits for me as well as for him… we are kinda alike even….)

The World Before Land

This 1993 SNES game places you in the shoes of a nameless protagonist creature somewhere in between 4 billion and two billion years ago. The world is ruled by a naked woman with blue waving hair named Gaia who tells you to evolve. Apparently she lost a bunch of crystals across the earth and some creatures where doing bad stuff with it. I never really heard about Gaia in history.. but it might have been a cover up affair given how much she kind of screwed up. With the lewd goddess being completely incompetent it is up to you to save the planet. Yet from the get go.. you are a simple fish. I could not tell what kind of fish.. maybe a Tuna or some Primal Salmon.. Not exactly a heroic creature. So you begin to swim around and try to figure out what you do! You encounter a nice Jellyfish who helps you along who says you can evolve by eating. You thank the Jellyfish by eating him.

*(Watching out Protagonist eat friendly Jelly Fish)*

That is right Fish Hero can.. .and kinda should.. eat his friends. By eating friendly sea creatures the protagonist can shop for new evolution parts.. which happen through the passage of time! Luckily we don’t actually have to wait in game and our fish just glows yellow and changes shape. Almost as if a pokémon evolving..but with several customisable body parts. Being used to pokémon I decided it was a good plan to grind up for the best parts and create THE ULTIMATE FISH HERO. That cost me about thirty minutes of blob turtle fishie things. So I guess we nowadays do not have green turtle blob fishie things because an ancient times a fish send by gaia ate them all to evolve.. this does make a lot of sense.

Grinding is completely unneeded though..at least for now. With just a few parts you can make fair progress in the game and it did not take me long to reach the final stage on the map…. Apparently I had to go on land to evolve further. But did you know this historic little factoid? Sharks apparently where evil who blocked creature,from going on land! There was one particularly evil one. Which shows the biggest flaw of this game. While the most of the game is a moderately enjoyable grindy game to equip better parts to your creatures..the boss fights are COMPLETELY broken. Hitboxes are awkward, bosses deal way to much damage and the player gets no clear invincibility frames after a hit.. but instead a few stun frames. Thus instead of not taking damage for a bit .. you keep taking damage and are unable to move! FROWNY STORMY! CRAB CAKES! ANGRY BOMB EMOJI!

The Age of the Amphibian

Let’s get this out of the way. E.V.O. is not a fun game, it is awkwardly paced, boss fights are all incredibly unfair and stages feel completely uninspired. Evolving your creature is not as fun as it could be. Most of the times you end up grinding for new teeth just so you can use those teeth to grind up faster somewhere else. It’s a game of settling for something just to get better parts faster afterwards. Horns are horrible and a waste. They break off after sprinting to much into an enemy, and since default walking speed is slower than internet explorer you break them constantly. Difficulty isn’t in how you beat the stages but its about how you cheese fights and soft cheat. Not fun to play at all.

*(This thing moves even slower than it looks!)*

Of course that doesn’t mean I can’t be positive about the game as well, this blog is all about loving, even the bad things, and this game does have some things to love. In all it’s unfairness it has become a great time capsule to simpler times. Where we would still play incredibly unfair games. It has fairly stiff controls, short time loops for music, it doesn’t communicate what you need to do very well to the player and movement is so incredibly slow it feels like walking from left to right takes forever. It had some original ideas but it had no idea what to do with them. It clearly does try very hard to be charming and inspiring but it kinda fails. It kind of reminds me of when one of those miniature humans finishes playing with crayons colouring in a picture totally outside the lines and off colour. Somehow their smile makes it cute still and you say “very well done tiny tim” even though had that been on your computer screen you wonder if someone took a big magnet close to it.. or if your graphic card got busted. This game is that colouring book page.. yet through the effort we can still see the kid.

*(My Fully evolved frog seems like something a kid would draw as well)*

Ironically this feels a bit like..”my first action RPG” and since it’s set even before the age of dinosaurs ..it timewise is probably the earliest RPG ever as well. Upgrading your parts does feel satisfying. For example as an amphibian I can choose if I become a jumpy one or a tanky one. When buying the parts though you have no idea what part buffs stats by what amount though so you never know if an upgrade is worth anything. Also if you build the wrong animal boss fights go from near impossible to flat out impossible. Tanky Dragon Toad for example can’t defeat the Bee bosses as it still deals insane damage and it always hits you before you hit it. If you can jump to the sky at least you can get in a few free shots. Luckily as an Amphibian I had grinded up plenty of EVO points so when I evolved into the next stage I could skip the slow start….. oh.. when you become a new creature all your evo points reset…….FUUUUUUUUUDGE COLOURED CRYING ICECREAM!

(*Sorry about all the profanity this game made me swear a lot)*

The Age of Flipping Darwin the Bird

First I was a fish which became an amphibian.. which kind of became a tiny dragon, which became a dinosaur, which lept of a mountain and thus became a bird. That bird could become a mouse or mammal that could eventually evolve into a human. Which means that basically your progress in evolution is reset…Had they simply added higher damage numbers across new forms rather than resetting stats (yes you start dealing 1 damage again each time you transcend species) I might not have minded as much. Getting the ultimate parts does do nothing per species other as speeding up the grind. You can take everything down fairly easily with low tier parts… but for the bosses you need to be maxed out just to have a fair chance. Very frustrating. So when my Dino hurled itself of a mountain and it grew wings.. it became a bird.. and it could stay a bird. Becoming a mammal is an option. So I glared at little Charlie D and showed him a picture of my bird now! This is me and this is how I’ll stay! Evolution is not the answer.

*Here I am.. And Here I Stay!.. Evolution be darned! The game never intrested me anyway!*

After grinding my bird up to maximum I discovered weird historical facts. Like how King Bee and Queen bee had prevented the land from getting vegetation.. and to make plants grow the amphibian had to beat them… okay that one happened before the bird but still.. they didn’t teach you that in history class.Still this game is set in far history so it must be true. Surely they did their research right? So here you have it! In ancient times there lived evil bees who did not like plants! The “story” only gets more insane after that. From weird owl men ruling the world from their sky fortress, to a Yeti family whose member you slaughtered one by one in the eyes of the littlest one who comes back as a monkey evolution thing.. to exact his revenge millions years later. We can side with the eil guys and get one of four sub endings. Which do not give you credits but boot you back to the map screen…. which is kind of annoying because to progress you will still have to do it the right way and you can start all over again.

*The pinacle of evolution!.. It can walk on water!*

This game goes completely insane in it’s ending stages, facing off against aliens, gelatinous creatures and laser ball throwing weird creatures. Apparently the age of man was highly contested. The final boss fight and the final stage are a hell but there are ways to cheese it. Upgrading or Downgrading your size does nothing significant throughout the entire game except for altering your hitbox and attack zone a bit.. however evolving always fully heals you.. so in the end we can grind for near infinite health. It doesn’t feel fair, i doesn’t feel fun and it does not feel like time well spent but at least this way we can say glare at mister Darwin and tell him he is wrong. Evolution was not caused by adapting for survival over time.. it was caused by a fish that was enchanted by a blue haired lewd lady who tried to make you do tedious chores over and over again. Sharks, Bees, Frog-lizards and Yeti where the worst enemies.. if we don’t count the megalomaniac owl priest and blobby endboss guy.

This is not a fun game to play, stages are super boring and easily skippable with the right parts. The only reason you have to do anything is to deal with the bosses that remain virtually impossible even after some grueling grinds. Yet there is also something about this game that I can not help but smile about. There is a passion and a love to it.. there is an originality to it, that may or may not have inspired Spore. It’s a game that I want to buckle down on so I can finish it.. as if I owe that to it’s maker. It’s a perfect metaphor what we had to endure as gamers of the past. So at least it was a very good game to start our little adventure.. and since I am in the age of early man anyway let’s see if there is something really fun here to Yaba-Daba-Do.

***But Remember! Everything deserves a little love!***

More History:

-Part 0: What is Pinkie Doing Now?