Tag: Horrible

Pissy Princess Pinkie: Alone In the Dark.. an Uwe Boll Film

Hear ye hear ye!   Princess Pinkie  is here with a new movie post!


My loyal guest and subjects, it has come to my attention that at times the blogosphere can be a bit sweet!  We avoid negative posts, yet at the same time we avoid having overly sweet posts as well! Since I do sometimes really hate things and sometimes REALLY REALLY love things, I made two new columns, the one in the near future to discuss things I blindly adore… and one where we just rant on how bad something is! That can be really fun after all… luckily dear mister Boll can always provide content for the latter.

Boll Bingo!

Video game filmmaker Uwe Boll quits, but still gets the last laugh - Polygon

I am back to watching video game adaptations.. but I now am passing on the very mediocre ones, I am now only taking my anger out on the bottom of the barrel. Because sometimes being negative can be fun as well.. So I created a game called Boll Bingo. A series of ideas I expect from a Uwe Boll movie by now. I have become quite familiar with the abominations that Boll calls “work” . Just like you can recognise Tarintino by his dialogue style, character types and music chocies. This also applies to Mr Boll! God Bless his lack of skill! So there are   ten signals that this is a shitty Uwe Boll Movie. These are the points I chose:

1. This Movie will be set in no specific location, and never will be.
2. The movie will feature a skimpily dressed female/and or objectifies women.
3. Fight Choreography will employ a lot of jump cuts and will not make any sense.
4. Stuff happens because the plot needs it to happen rather than a natural progression.
5. This movie is historically rather inaccurate!
6. Some scenes will look extremely ugly and fake… think “Original Sci-Fi Channel Movies
7. The main villain will not make sense. 
8. There will be a LOT of bad writing and nonsensical scenes.
9. There will be a guy in it Boll uses for all his movies.
10. It has little to nothing to do with the source material.

Image gallery for Alone in the Dark - FilmAffinity

With these ten points we were well armed to take one of the most notoriously bad Uwe Boll movies ever. Alone in the Dark! Scoring a 2.4 on IMBD, and holding a 11% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes.. this is the Uwe Boll movie that not even Uwe Boll fans seem to like…and yes there are Boll fans out there! This movie gets the least amount of love! Which is a good thing for me.. because I HATE … and I mean HATE Uwe Boll’s sense of humor. So perhaps this one will be tolerable for me!  Like many of Uwe Boll’s first movies in a series this starts some fairly famous actors in the form of Christian Slater and Tara Reid but also that main villain from the first Blade movie in the form of Stepehn Dorff. That usually doesn’t mean these movies are any good though.. but see why this movie sucks so much!  Time for bingo. Let’s find out the score! Oh and speaking of cast Will Sanderson is in this movie! He plays in just about every Uwe Boll Movie so that is one point already! Woop!


The Joy of Horrible Writing

So let’s check point one?! Is the movie set in a location?! No! In traditional Uwe Boll fashion it is set in “the city”  and “mines’ where are those mines? Somewhere in the USA , apparently both on helicopter distance AND walking distance from the city! Because set pieces need to happen and helicopters are all cool and military I guess. We also get treated to a ship out in the middle of the ocean, salvaging another ship that gets pilotted back to said city.. as soon as noises get quiet and AFTER the entire staff has been killed…neatly docked at a minor little peer as well! Even in the opening credits.. which are narrated by a very trailer guy sounding voice.. we never get a location. He mentions stuff.. but I am none the wiser. Thanks Mister Boll.. that is some horrible writing already done! Clever though.. this way you can swap between all sorts of sets and string them together by any mode of transport available! Dark Souls World Building for the win!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - IMDb

Point number two is however where we miss a point. The Story follows Christian Slater, playing Edward Carnby and Tara Reid portraying Aline Cedrac two characters that actually are in the game. Carnby grew up in an Orphanage..much like the games and has been infused with a parasitic life form that could turn him into a zombie like creature working for the forces of evil…but that parasite is dead cause he sat in a high voltage box thing when he was a kid. Aline Cedrac instead of being an archaeologist this time is an anthropologist. I have to admit, this is a smart choice as you can bind her more to the location she needed to be bound to. That being said.. she wears a white science coat, a pair of glasses and has her hair tied up. So she looks like a clip-art of a female scientist. 

She studied Abkani most of her career and can read their ancient scriptures like it is nothing (But more on that later) .. yet is unable to correctly pronounce Newfoundland..and despite knowing this civilisation died out 10.000 years ago , and she is being chased by monsters released from Abkani tombs, she has NO idea why the Abkani would split a relic in four pieces and hide it on opposites site of the world.  So she isn’t the brighest of scientist. To make up for it she does know how to be 100% accurate with an SMG despite probably never ever having held a gun. She has no sex scene with Carnby though.. so instead of a porn character we get a cardboard cutout based on female scientist clipart… A lot better.. but no point for me!

Alone in the Dark (2005) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

Luckily point number 3 is mine indeed best illustrated by the opening sequence. Carnby lands in the USA and the bad-guy who we see put out a kill order on Carnby.. tries really hard to convince us he is a good guy! Yet one of these zombie people that are a big plot point in the movie.. somehow managed to hijack a taxi with no one noticing and he begins ramming Carnby’s taxi. To escape a guy that clearly is trying to kill him at all costs Carnby orders the taxi to drive onto a crowded fish market.. so we can get breaking market stall footage. Edwards car crashes and he orders the taxi driver to allow himself to be rammed by the other taxi.. while Edward escapes.. punches a cop and takes his gun.  Which is a revolver..because all cops carry those.  It’s powerful as heck because next Edward shoots through a massive block of ice.. sitting on conveyor belts of an Abandoned ice factory.

The guy doesn’t die from being shot in the heart. So Edward decides he is best off punching this guy real hard. They randomly slide each other on these conveyer belts.. at the still abandoned lot, rather than killing him in the shadows the Assassin drags Carnby out in the open.. where there is a spike conveniently placed at the spot where normally a truck would park to be loaded up… but here there is a rusty spike..implying this plant ..filled with ice blocks has not been used in years. So of course Edward impales the bad guy.. which kills him .. and Edward walks off.. without the cop he punched and stole his gun from ever bothering him again. He is dressed in this really specific trench coat as well so it’s not like the cop would not be able to recognise him.. he just decided to let him go. All shots look kinda neat in theory.. but it tells no story at all and does not feel like a natural fight at all.

Thanks for the point Mr Boll!

Guns go Brrrrrrr

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

The last scene already illustrates point four is in as well but it gets a lot worse. The monsters of this movie are dark alien looking creatures that can turn invisible and disrupt the light because they emit some sort of emp…emp that only disrupts electrical currents that are far away from it’s source.. like lights on the grids but not flashlights. It would be annoying if the heroes could communicate through so clearly Walkie Talkies.. are too far from their power source so they get disrupted. The blood of these creatures that REALLY look like H.R. Giger’s Iconic Alien are called Zenoe…(such an orginal name)  and their blood can cause kids to grow parasites that can brain control them when it is injected into them. When you inject the blood of a Zenoe into your system…when you are the bad guy it works differently however.. then you control the Zeno!  To get an adult under control fast.. and turn them into a parasyte zombie, you can also make them swallow a Zenoe larvae which causes the creature to latch on to your spin and brain control you.. within a second after swallowing it.

Alone in the Dark (2005) Review |BasementRejects

So they sound like really powerful creatures yet they have a few weaknesses. They can hurt by certain specific frequencies of light and elements 75 to 79, the latter being gold. Ah they got the atomic number of gold correct!  Gold can disrupt their electro communication and will instantly kill them…so of course to shoot them the government developed some sci-fi hi tech bullet which is made out of trapped photons and will a luminescent film. Basically.. weaponized light.. in ultra specific frequencies.  Gold Bullets would work.. but that sounds way more expensive right?!  The biggest weakness these creatures have however is that they seize to exist at the end of the movie!  We get a lot of shoot outs filled with machine guns (that had their power source destroyed yet still work)  and one overstylised duke nukem like clip with everyone killing  the Zenoe and their zombie humans.. but in the end… a million Zenoe survive…On the surface there are at least a dozen left.. except when the movie is over.. they are all gone. That is one lucky weakness! And plot convenience point in the bag.

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

Is the movie historically inaccurate?!  Yes, the Abkani are classified as a native American tribe, which in many ways they are but Boll more often than once associates Cherokee like artifacts with them, while in actuality they were closer to the Mayan’s and aztecs, and while the McGuffin of the movie does fit that style.. the museum the first half o this movie is set in misses the mark completely… but I guess that makes sense as Aline is not a good scientist. Now I am nitpicky here..but if your movie is about an Abkani artifact and 70% of the movie is about deciphering some Abkani artefact, I’d use actual Abkani script. Boll doesn’t do that, in fact he uses a font so blatantly non native American I really REALLY noticed. As a European we do not get a lot of American history.. but I could tell whatever that script was it was not Abkani. So I googled it to see if it might have been lost to the Annals of time.. but no it’s not. Not a single letter resembles Abkani. The games do a much better job! But who cares about the mystery and the creepiness.. this is Alone in the Dark movies! Guns go Brrrrrr! And when they do… they look ugly as heck! So yay for more points!

What am I watching here?!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

So you may have noticed I haven’t really told you yet what this movie is about… and that’s not because I did not want to.. but because I do not know. Carnby finds a relic.. and discovers his history is filled with mystery.. while an evil scientist wants to collect all four artifacts.. to open a gateway to a dark realm. He wants to open this gateway because ……….. he found a door I guess?! Carnby goes on a journey to discover he was an experiment and the organisation he once worked for created these alien type things.. except seconds later we see they did not.. they just exist in the dark realm as well. Aline tags along because.. she was there. Yet the best thing is the villain.  He needs a coffin to be opened to unleash the Zenoe..but he doesn’t want it opened or the Zenoe released..

He wants the relic piece that is hidden in this sarcophagus..because he needs it to release the Zenoe from that door thing. He also manages to capture one.. despite hiding on a ship to weak to fight them.. cause their blood in his system makes them control them! So with all of them he might be able to rule the world or something?! He never tells his goal.. just that he wants this portal/door opened… which is located in his secret base by the way.  Which was build in an ancient Abkani trap thing filled with evil worm things…which is located in a mine somewhere near San Francisco I think.  So I guess that is the bad villain point obtained! As I really have no clue what he was about! Like none!  Everything contradicts itself.

Game - Movie Review: Alone In The Dark (2005) - Games, Brrraaains & A Head-Banging Life

Are there any other nonsensical scenes?! Yes.. just about everything! There is a war against the Zenoe going on top of the mine.. but it doesnt contribute anything to the story, the events do not change at all from it… AT ALL. But I know guns gotta go BRRRRR because Alone in The Dark is such an action heavy guns go BRRRR kinda franchise.  The best scene we get right at the end though. Carnby and Aline need to get into the secret base so an ally blows up a wall for them with a packet of explosives.. they casually stroll away as the package leaves a perfect door shaped hole for them!  However mere moments later when the gate to darkness has been opened and a million or so Zenoe come running towards the group to destroy the world.. the rival character takes out a single packet of explosives and throws it and now he blows up seemingly himself and the entire mine! Only Carnby and Aline escaped. The soldier lived as well is later revealed.. but they leave him for dead anyway and the movie doesn’t bring him up again so probably he died.. and the movie ends with Edward and Aline being attacked by a Zenoe.. or seemingly so.. in broad daylight.. the one thing that killed the,. So I guess a point for stupid scenes as well.

GG Mr Boll

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

Dear Mister Boll, you have really outdone yourself this time.. sure the movie is not as gross and toxicity masculine as your other flicks, but this might be one of the worst written movies I have ever seen… and I have seen Birdemic and the Room… this feels than either of those! There is also NO style to this movie. It’s  about a native american tribe yet the main music theme has arab style instruments to it, one combat scene is hyper stylised filled with heavy metal music while the second battle scene is shot  like a war movie with yet a whole other style of music. The acting is god awful as well, especially from Tara Reid. She is just there and goes from dork to badass and there is no character there. 

Alone in the Dark streaming: where to watch online?

So many scenes could have benefitted from a second take, and there are so many inconsistencies throughout this movie. Aline has a wound that constantly changes position,  Edward I am pretty sure has a shape shifting gun, no one notices a museum being shot up, ice is sitting at an abandoned plant! You know Ice melts right Mr Boll?! You know  ice doesn’t completely disintegrate from a single revolver bullet right? A sheet of ice would.. but this thing was massive. You know that building a ladder directly next to a pitfall trap isn’t a good idea either right? Also the fact that this pitfall has not been discovered in an active mine or a formerly active mind would beg the question how much work these mine workers actually did.  

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Internet Movie Firearms Database - Guns in Movies, TV and Video Games

This is a horrible HORRIBLE movie! It isn’t even so bad it’s good.. it’s more of an enjoyment that something can be so fundamentally wrong! I always claim good and bad is just a matter of opinion, and I stand by that, this in the eyes of the (VERY VERY) drunk beholder might be mindless entertainment.. but you really need to be practically braindead if you think this is a cohesive story. Everything pulls you out of it.. so just for a moment Mister Boll, you made me think that factually bad movies exist!  If there is one.. besides Manos Hands of Fate,  your movie might be the one! You are the Ed Wood of your generation! Guys if you want to see a disaster without people actually dying go watch this movie! It is complete and utter Bollshit!

Уве Болл — Lurkmore

Have you ever seen this movie?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie?! Do you think Uwe Boll will come and beat me up?! Do you know a bad movie you want me to review? Let me know in the comments! Let’s talk a bit because you know! Friendship is Magic! Time for a little princess nap! *Quack* Oyasumi!

The Bad, The Worse and The Ugly: BloodRayne 2 Review

Dear Island Guests , while reviewing all video game movies I have to deal with this man a lot. Uwe Boll , he is european like me! He seems to like video games like me and he leaves quite a few errors in his content much like me. We both aren’t exactly the best fiction writers out there and I acknowledge writing a good story is hard.. but when you point a camera to that flawed writing.. it will stand out much more! So mister Boll. I shall review the second BloodRayne movie as my suggestions to you!  As one hobby writer to another.. well you might be professional in name….but well like with your video game adaptations.. it is just the name that you have in common with the pro’s.

Please! Give us a plot

Dear mister Boll, I commend you for your bravery for your choice in setting the second BloodRayne movie in the Wild West. For the second time in a row that is a time  setting that has little to nothing to do with the actual games. I am glad you did not forget she could cross water and walk into sunlight now so at least it feels like a sequel but why set both movies  in the wrong time period?Rayne adventures mostly in the early 1900’s, with the majority being set in world war II. I will assume that you could get some Wild West outfits on a budget.. because they sure as heck look like it! You could not even dress up Rayne with cold weather gear in the snow! Instead she wears a crop top in the cold with a duster coat making sure to show some belly button. That is hot!…at least to some I will admit! Yet why make her upset when people address her like a harlot.. you made her look like one!

I commend you for your bravery to only introduce the main character to us after twenty minutes, and even then she is still not involved in the plot still. Now cleverly you basically omit a plot from the movie up until about the midway point. For the opening twenty minutes we see random stuff unfold, like a Vampire grabbing some kids.. and that same vampire taking over a town. Yet we are not told what he does there. Rayne just happens to be friends with the people whose children you took.. out in the middle of nowhere.. but why did you take children out there?! We later find out you wanted the town! So why get those specific kids? There is no connection, it happens just so that Rayne can get involved. Since it is snowing in the area the kids are stolen from and muddy and dirt filled in the town.. I can assume that these areas are a fair bit apart. Given how much snow there is!  It doesn’t seem like very good and rather convenient writing mister Boll. 

Also why does the plan of the evil vampire guy named Billy the Kid have to be so lame?! The bad guy wants to spread vampirism across the land using the railroads, so he can be the boss of them all. You go to lengths to tell us he is a old vampire and in a short time he has made 30 vampires in this town. If he is so old.. why does he not travel around and make vampires all across america. He is immortal.. he can take his time. Sure he can spread it faster.. but he has not been spreading vampirism before? Because he waits for a railway station in a sleepy town to be fixed?  He could just kidnap children and travel across the west creating an army?! I probably lack your insight but to me his goal seems super achievable.. if he actually had his vampires spread around the states. Since he is so old, clearly he came from elsewhere himself. When using a mc-guffin it might not hurt to think on how else a character can achieve their goals.. like taking over a town that actually has a Railroad already?! Or making the children vampires and let people find them.. and spread vampirism to them.. or using your immortality to build that army over the years. I just gave your villain a hand full of backup plans and I wasn’t even really thinking about it either! So I don’t think you really told us a story here! Well you did but it makes no sense other than within the confines of a script! If the villian is this stupid.. he was never a threat anyway.

Please use your setting!

Dear mister Boll, I love a good western..from time to time. I think it is brave to spread Rayne’s journey out across a wider variety of time pieces I really do! You do not have to take textures and game size into account so you can move from an medieval setting to a wild west one to a world word II setting without filling up disk space with 1000’s of different textures and weapons and playstyles. I like that now guns are a thing..but if you tell Rayne’s tale through time.. you gotta use the time as well. It is super clever to make Billy the Kid a vampire! It allows for some interesting ideas.. but Billy the Kid was named the Kid because he was so young! Why did you cast a middle aged man to play him? And why did you make him look like a cartoon character rather than a real person. And what is with that wig the guy wears. The hair looks so gross. I do like the idea of saying that Billy never was killed when he did because he was a vampire…but instead of making him a revolver hero.. you made him bad with guns, which is stated.. way too old and he isn’t a bandit at all he is a megalomaniac mayor like person.This baffles me? If you want him to be Billy the Kid why make him nothing like it?!

Then there is the dialogue. People do not really talk like it is a wild west setting. The first big line Rayne has is telling some stranger who wants to kill Billy the Kid that his fly is open. That does not seem like an insult befitting the time period. Partially because women would not talk like that in those days neither would men nor would they care because they are out in the wilds..secondly the idea of the fly that  can be open was only really popularised in the 1940’s…the period BloodRayne is supposed to be set in! Back then they mostly have flappy things or buttons! This is only but an example of dialogue not being written in the time period. It happens quite a lot. You end your movie with the quote “Life is like a Penis.. if it is hard you get screwed and when it’s soft you can’t beat it’ that is a recent quote that was not around in that time. The way most people talk feels modern, watch any western to notice the difference please.

You might also want to think of how a western setting contributes to vampire hunting. For a bit you do! Vampires can not be killed by anything but silver bullets with garlic oil!  Which is clever…well maybe not clever but after seeing four of your movies I am not expecting much anymore!  However dear mister Boll. If you put silver bullets in a box with some unpeeled fully intact pieces of garlic.. not even cloves but the whole thing. Those bullets are not going to become covered in garlic oil. If suddenly the citizens can pick up their guns and kill the vampires as well. Where did they get silver bullets? These people can’t leave and trade is very low since there is no railroad yet, how did they suddenly get resources. Most of all why.. oh why.. would have the sleepiest and most boring town in the west…as established by yourself.. gatling gun in a random barn?! The vampires could have gotten it somewhere I guess…but if they were in a place where they can steal gatling guns..why not make your army there! Clearly that would have better arms?! If you want to make it a wild west setting with guns.. don’t use such a sleepy town.. if you want the civilians to be meek and compliant don’t give them the most powerful weapons of the time period! These two do not match. You are not creating a believable world here!

Please hire a proper crew!

Dear mister Boll, one of my best friends is a cameraman and once I helped him out a bit so I know how heavy camera’s can be! But when you make the heroes of the movie do a power walk.. the camera man is not supposed to shake the camera so hard that I get nauseous from looking at the scene. Yes this actually happened! The most badass scene is meant to look professional not as if someone is filming it on a seesaw. This is not the only time the camera work sucks. A hand-held camera has a place but when the terrain is rougher and your camera man can not handle it.. perhaps you should not choose to do shots like that. Using a dolly or two fixed cameras instead of course having more equipment means there is less money to embezzle so I understand your choices here I am just telling you it shows. I am not even being nitpicky here! Never EVER have I said something bad about the cameraman other than.. that shot could have been framed better..but your crew is more fundamentally flawed.

This becomes very clear when we look at your editors. Shots linger way to long, fight scenes are cut together way to fast.. and most important scene transitions aren’t scene transitions.  In a good movie we see a shot of a sunrise over a tree, to indicate it became day again then that same tree is used to show a character riding inside the frame.  Or we see blood pour out of a wound that transitions into the villian pouring win into his glass and smiling. There are two transitions in this movie.  Other than that it’s just a fade to black followed by a fade in, it makes this movie feel super cheap mister Boll. It is like I am watching an amateur film and even those use transitions better. The shot in which you introduce Rayne we see her galloping on a horse.. but there is a piece of straw for the camera blocking like half the shot! Who told you that was a good idea?!  That’s not artistic it feels like something got in the way of your shot.. and that is not the only time!  That should have been taken out on the cutting room floor!  And what is up with the obsession the browned out teeth. There are so many mouth shots in this movie. I counted like 25 seperate ones at the very least. Not always fangs either.. sometimes it’s just brown teeth or Rayne playing with a toothpick. This is a vampire action movie yet about 3 minutes of the movie are just close up of mouths! Eeew!

When I saw this movie start I was like , oh no… this looks like a cheap porn movie.  At least as far as I have seen those. It has a slightly better camera than Birdemic Shock and Terror but not by that much! It is somewhere halfway between that and a 90’s action movie. Raynes swords look fake and impractical as heck, revolvers look okay.. I think?! I am not a gun expert but they do look samesie a lot!  I would think there would be more diversity. Still everyone can use the same bullets here regardless if they have a rifle, a revolver or whatever. The gatteling gun is different though. It completely blows up the chest of one guy.. while lightly grazing a guy that stood closer’s shoulder. I will be honest I do not know what happend in that scene. I saw a character die. .and then he was alive again..it might be a different character that wears the same coat and hat with a similar style beard but because you can not tell the difference between vampires and the hunters.. I had no idea what was going on. Sometimes images are slowed down for no reason  sometimes they are sped up and it all looks so weird.

The worst part of the crew however are the actors though. The cast is basically everyone who played in Postal the movie. They constantly phase in and out accents that can range between texan and a louisiana accent and basically any state in america that is ever ridiculed for their hillbilly accent. At one time Rayne has southern pronunciation, shifting back to current day american again while in reality she should have a british accent. The preacher (and yes that is the characters name as he is never named in the movie)  is not understandable at times and then suddenly loses his accent entirely just to replace it with another one by the end of the movie! Billy the Kid is SO overacted I felt like I was watching an  amateur stage play! Mister Boll I know no one wants to return to working with you once they done it.. but just because a single cast was as talentless as you are does not mean you should use them again.  Everyone acts insane.. like they think they are soap opera actors or something.. it doesn’t work! Again normally I still see the character.. and I notice an actor has trouble with a line or two.. but here.. I see an amateur giving a drama club performance.. Honestly some of them are approaching the level of Wiseau. Most of them have acting skills equal to the level of the Mother in law with breast cancer in the Room. Bottom of  the barrel acting.

Please roleplay your characters just a bit

I can go on.. but I am running out of space here! Dear mister Boll for once please try to roleplay some of your characters so you can see how  wrong the situation is and how much it doesn’t work. My biggest example is the gatling gun scene.Our heroes chase some vampires in a barn and 20 of them point their guns at them. Instead of shooting them then and there.. as they clearly plan to kill them they tell them to throw away their weapons. This is stupid idea number 1 mister Boll you already established these vampires will kill those standing in their way so there is no need to  force them to surrender. Then the heroes refuse and a rip of Ennio Morricone’s theme begins playing rather dramatically ..this is the only western flavoured piece of music by the way and it is everywhere.  The heroes are ONE STEP from  stepping underneath the second floor of the barn..but instead light a cigarette, and then fire at random vampires in the attic allowing the gatling gun guy to gun them down.  If they took one step .. NONE of the vampires except for maybe one or two guys with a pistol could hit them.. but they stay out in the open and shoot at everyone.. except for the greatest threat.. the guy with a f’ing gatling gun! No character made a normal decision in that entire scene.

The conclusion is even worse.  Billy the kid has used a millstone  to make a contraption that will hang all the children when Rayne enters his room. Why does he not just shoot. her the moment she walks through a door.. but no .. he tries to convince her to be evil with him.. she enters the door and grabs the rope and saves all but one of the children who gets really visibly hanged. Instead of attacking the defenceless Rayne they start talking even after she refuses to join him he keeps talking to her.. and when all her allies have been killed…she suddenly realises she can launch herself using the stone and cut all the ropes of the kids before they choke. She saves  everyone.. and even then Billy the Kid allows her to get up and fight him.. not threatening the kids. In the first movie mister Boll people gave you critique for the plethora of dialogue in the final encounter so just to spite them you added more?!  At one point Billy manages to pull out his guns on Rayne during the fight but he doesn’t shoot them!

He has to load them still..if he does have to cock the gun why doesn’t Rayne attack him.. if he had them cocked and ready to fire why would he not fire! No one acts like a person in this movie.. they are all forced to do stuff by the plot! Nothing.. and I mean NOTHING makes sense.  The allies they recruit are swindlers and bandits and no one knows of vampires.. but when a weird girl ask them to join her in death to fight vampires they say sure!  It goes against everything established. In the end you make the coward have a change of heart but then when he gets a shot to save the day he chickens out.. and the people make him a sheriff for it?!  Dear god mister Boll .. did you ever stop to think about these things for longer than a single second?!

I think that NEVER have I have seen a movie where characters make this little sense. At least Johnny from the room had a reason to shoot himself. At least in Birdemic the characters fought for survival. Ed Wood movies made more sense than this, he could not afford reshoots so he had to make due with one take.. but even in Plan 9 from Outer Space there was a motivation… here there is nothing. Story happens for no reason, scenes happen for no reason and characters lack any sense of being able to think logically.  Why certain shots are chosen makes no sense.. mister Boll this movie feels like  you just had  three cool shots in your head..failed  to make them come true and settled for a movie student version of it..then strung those three scenes together with the cheapest attempt of plot possible! Where the last movie was kinda fun to watch in it’s badness. this one doesn’t make ENOUGH SENSE for that.. This is “movie” is as much of a movie as a four year old kid’s  robot he made during arts and  crafts is a robot… and that comparison is MUCH closer than anyone might realise.. dear mister Boll.. upon review I have to conclude this is not a movie.. this is …

There is one more BloodRayne movie left! Third Reich! It is the only one that is set in the proper time period of the movie so just by existing it is already more faithful than the other two movies… so I got a good feeling about that one. Well good might be a big word! It has the same main actress after all! If you want to help me get some bravery for what is to come.. or if you like me to make a video game movie of my own please consider supporting my Kofi Page! I can’t do much worse so just a kofi’s should help me make a better thing than this!

The Movie that made me hate Uwe Boll : Postal

My dear island guests… I will warn you. This review will contain extreme negativity as well as very controversial movie subject. Today I will talk about not the worst movie I have ever seen, but the movie I hated most . When Uwe Boll makes a horror movie it becomes so bad it “devolves”  into a comedy. It is so bad some bits are funny .When Uwe Boll makes a comedy it makes me wanna go postal on all the people involved with this film.

The movie Postal is a comedy movie based on the equally titled film series and this movie has 2,2 critic  rating on MetaCritic and a 6,3 user review rating. So I thought.. hey this film might not be so bad. This movie also has a 9% tomatometer and a 34% audience score.
I find every single of these reviews to be too good!  The movie’s box art proudly tells it is super offensive and I’ll be honest.. I don’t always dislike offensive movies. There are a few times where offensive humor can give me a chuckle… the key word.. humor being part of the equation. That is not the case here!  Uwe Boll can not make comedy! This movie proves that. He  is worse at comedy than he is at horror movies.  but before I began tearing this thing apart let me tell tell you this movies plot.

We follow a main character that never gets a name and is just referred to as that Postal Dude.  His story starts  up when he starts applying for a promotion in a corporate job where A douchebag manager lets him do all sorts of weird things while he stares at the severed heads of some other corporate drones who failed at their job. They make jokes about them being a fake and blood drips off them as soon as they say it. He goes home to find his obese wife who lives in a trailer cheating on him… or well he finds out she is cheating on him. But I am already getting ahead of myself. This movie opens up with the Hijacking of the 9-11 planes. Al Qaeda terrorists have taken control over the ship because they want to surprise  the others by actually taking them on a trip to Cabo or the Bahamas or something nice and tropical. The people who fought for their lives on those planes break in and try to  subdue Al Qaeda actually cause them to crash into the twin towers. On this briljant opening… we move to the Dude.. and the stuff I told you happened. Why do I mention that intro now? Well because it ties in with the rest of the story. Osama who is actually living in the states and is best friends with George W Bush is planning to steal a shipment of Krotchy dolls. Krotchy is a crotch plushie that is the mascotte of some sort of weird  thing. But they are not the only one who wants to steal this doll that is a penis with a set of balls.

There is also Dude’s uncle who started a bogus christian sub cult to get laid. However his organisation is not paying their taxes and now has a few million dollars debt. His attendant warns him about this and points out these Krotchy dolls sell for like 3000 dollars each or so.
It turns out that these dolls have vials with Avian Flu hidden in them which Al Qaeda wants to use to destroy the western civilised world, while the attendant who actually beliefs the new bible of the uncle character to destroy the world. Dude and his uncle just want to earn some easy money! The only way that Dude can keep the world safe is by killing everyone else.. so he has to go postal!  For this he has to kidnap Verne Troyer and let him get raped by a 1000 monkeys team up with some random gothic chick from a coffee shop and use a cat as a silencer for a gun among other things.


Now the cat silencer was in the games so I see why it was in there.. but Postal has never been this much about being offensive.. it was always more about just going on a random meaningless killing spree… that is NOT what this movie is. In Postal you can pee on the elderly before whacking their head of with a shovel but it always gave you a choice. You did not need to be offensive, you just vented a shitty day… in a very trash way..but there is a difference in choosing this or seeing it.   The humor in this movie is akin to that of your average Scary Movie film..with the offence meter dialed up to 100 and the comedic timing turned back to 0. Each joke is so cheap.. and meaningless that it isn’t a joke anymore it is just offensive. Let me take you through the movie in more detail.  We begin with that dreadful 911 joke… While I am iffy on those already I think in a movie like these you CAN actually make jokes like that. It’s for a very limited crowd but you could still do it. Take for example the Family Guy joke where the terrorist fly through that seattle arc. Sure I’ll chuckle at that. Turning heroes into villains for the sake of comedy however isn’t fun.. it’s a role reversal that thereafter gets completely negated by having Al Qaeda be their classic evil.  Had they made it so they were actually the good guys but kept being blamed.. maybe ..you had a funny joke.. but no.. it served no point! They even add in a window washer to make it more slapstick!

The song about the evil corporation and  them actually cutting of heads is not funny either, the joke has been done a million times before  and it leans heavy into such standard timing and is sooo in your face obvious that it isn’t fun at all.. also the company doesn’t come back at all so again it is completely pointless. It just shows this guys life sucks. When he moves back and finds out his wife is sleeping around while he steps in dog poop.. we get the message. His wife is just made so gross that it is almost as if Uwe Boll says.. every woman has to look super fit.. and slightly slutty.. because literally all the other women are super models or goth chicks.  That are super skinny with flawless skin and etc. Everything else is trash. Why?!  You could have made the man miserable with a normal looking woman she did not have to be Jabba the Hutt.  Religion is than mostly seen as a sham and we see cops kill minorities for not understanding the language.. that joke certainly aged well.A dark skinned cop shoots an old Chinese lady who is old and flustered and doesn’t know what to do under a traffic light anymore! I get that people too old to drive can be annoying but again these cops are mostly a side story.. they actually follow a line skewed to the plot… It’s almost as in those Ice Age Movies… where we see scenes of Scrat trying to get his nut.. these cop show up and mess with the Chinese people or with a crippled man just to be offensive.. but never is there a joke.. as if Uwe Boll things that offensiveness IS the joke. 

Again I am not that squeamish.. there is a way to make offensive jokes. They are not for everyone.. but they can when used correctly make us aware of our flaws. South Park used to be able to do this quite well. Yes it was offensive but it also held us a mirror this is us. It has been made more cartoony. South Park and Family Guy can make this (subjectively)  work for two reasons. There is more behind just an offensive punchline.. there is either a clever idea or a lesson to be learned OR  they get away with it because it’s a cartoon. Inhuman behaviour is acceptable because we do not see a human we see a cartoon character.  Postal’s character are more one dimensional than the “offensive” cartoon shows.  Take Verne Troyer playing himself for example… he has to go to speech at the Krotchy doll festival because he looks like the thing and people want to use him as the spokesperson for these dolls. He travels with a suitcase bigger than himself..because HAHA he is a tiny person, but when he gets locked inside the suitcase we find out there is nothing but Dildo’s  and crossdressing stuff inside. Where is the joke?!

It took me 3 days to finish this movie as 30 minutes a day was about as much as I could stomach! I never had to turn off a movie before for not being able to work my way through. Even Coco Avant Chanel.. which I found an atrociously boring slog I managed to sit out.  This actually hurt me to watch. Nearly all of my gripes are all directly Uwe Boll’s fault. The actors aren’t the worst out there, I just wonder what made them this desperate. I know a few of these actors , mostly from tv and these are like B/C list actors that are quite passable. Postal Dude looks really awkward in front of a camera though maybe that is his character I am not fully able to tell.. he is a kind of awkward guy. His Filmography isn’t all that great either.. but come on! JK Simmons is in there just to do his JK Simmons thing.. only to be blown up by a suicide bomber in a sort of running gag.. where nobody wants to do it so Al Qaeda keeps tricking their members into doing this task. There is talent in this movie but it just doesn’t come out.  The writing in this movie is so bad nobody gets to shine. 

There is ONE joke in the movie and it goes a little something like this.Krotchy is going to be revealed in a place called little Germany so Postal Dude and his uncle’s cult .. mostly some bikini models who walk in bikinis for the entire movie.. have to dress up as Nazi’s not to stand out. So they all get a hitler Moustache and a Swastika added to their outfit and everyone thinks they belong.. but that is not the joke ..because who else is in Little Germany but Uwe Boll.. who is being interviewed as a celebrity why all his movies suck! He makes a joke about stealing money and mysterious funds.. which was a serious case against him and Krotchy suddenly rips off it’s head.. revealing.. the lead developer of the Postal Game.. blaming Uwe Boll for ruining his game with this movie.  He begins shooting at Uwe and Boll kills the man.. but not before they killed about 20 children who were all there to get their own Krotchy doll.. as no one can see the mascotte is a crotch.. or balls and a penis. Uwe Boll gets shot in the crotch and dies as well.. also he wears a Bavarian outfit..because it’s funny cause he is German. A journalist piles up all the dead children to make it look worse and the Postal Dude is blamed for this.. causing everyone in the world to want to kill him now. 

The way the action is shot is terrible. In a movie about shooting and killing everyone, you’d think there be a few good shootouts but  this is just a series of guns being shot and random people falling down.. even if they weren’t really in the shot. It again looks like a cartoon.. but that is not being sold because it is still live action.  If special effects are used they are very underwhelming OR super exaggerated.. they never get it right and I mean never. The Cat silencer was semi.. funny but in the world established so far it made not sense physics wise.. nothing else functions fantastically.  The cat doesn’t explode right away in Postal games but after a few uses it still does.. having the cat be unharmed felt like a whimper.  A bit of a funny whimper but a whimper still.  The Uncle gets betrayed by his attendant and in an order to convince him not to kill him the guy says he has become gay and a chubby chaser.. and he agrees to have Verne Raped by the 1000 monkeys mentioned earlier but is shot anyway.  A weird twist further and we end up with everybody firing on Postal Dude in the trailer Park.. he is hiding behind a car and killing them by the bushes. Not a single person thinks about walking around again demonstrating no one is sentient here.. it’s just unfunny movie characters.

Osama asks George Bush for help and Postal Dude and his girlfriend get away. While he tricks the Attendant guy to blow himself.. plus the fat wife and the two cops.. who also did her for no specific reason up. However Bush pissed of some people and now America is being Nuked.  While Postal Dude ride off into the sunset with his new flame.. ..his fifth one in this movie Bush and Osama hold hands and skip through a field while all across them Nukes impact. Destroying America and any hope left we had off at least a single funny scene.  It is all filmed with very cheap angles, never is a a set properly used and all the locations are boring and bland as hell.  I was so glad I could turn of this movie and it made me reconsider my watching all Video game movies idea. Before I thought Uwe Boll was just a bad director..now I think he is a horrible person, who has zero understanding of film and less understanding of comedy.How bad he is was always a joke.. but seeing him attempt comedy.. made it more than a joke.. at least a joke would have been funny..

There are a few things that are okay with the movie. The filming angels are very boring but never bad. The fights are extremely boring and do not convey the game at all but I’ve seen worse, the cast is passable except for the barely understandable Boll and the very poorly acting Lead Director of  the game. It’s just that it is so painful and unfunny. Characters have been written just to offend, and woman are only good if they are bikini bimbo’s once again.  Eye candy and nothing else.  There are  no jokes because Uwe Boll thinks being offensive is funny on it’s own and this is the result.. a movie that has less flaws than many that will be on this list.. but is so empty that it easily is the one I hate the most.  And I don’t mean of my movie viewings.. this is the movie I hated seeing most…EVER.

If I were to compare it with something it’s a screaming Monkey. We all know monkey’s can be funny when they do monkey things.. but Uwe Boll things.. just having a monkey on the screen is enough..well he also makes it scream so we KNOW there is a monkey on the screen.. but never does it hop around or toss a nut or do anything it just screams and rages and smells like monkey! One of those monkey’s you are scared off or annoyed by rather than entertained.. but Uwe Boll says we are wrong because it’s a monkey.. that is what funny is.  This movie is like putting bread on your cat and seeing it distress.. but you think it’s funny because of the memes.  As such I am giving this movie one grade lower than my lowest grade!  This movie is unwatchable. And I used this pun in his last movie! Now Uwe Boll has made me so angry … he gets a grade below my lowest named after him!

Next week’s movie will undoubtedly be better and I do not know yet what that movies is going to be. This thing was awful but if you think being offensive is funny this might be a movie for you! If you are a Movie Maschoist like me.. the movie is on YouTube and no one bothered to take it down for well over 6 years! So I will share that link with you!.. Because I am nice like that!

Pinkie’s Guilty Movie “Pleasures”: Dragonball Evolution

What do you get when you combine Power Rangers, Avatar the Last Airbender, Karate Kid and a whole lot of “teenage” hormones? Well Dragon Ball of course! Not just any regular Dragon Ball either but.. their EVOLUTION!

Dragonball

Sometimes movies can be so bad they are good. This is not exactly one of THOSE movies.  This movie does something else, this movie is so aggressively unfaithful to its source material, this movie is such a trainwreck that it is just fascinating to watch. It’s like an enigma. How could things have gotten so wrong? It’s so bad they even spell Dragon Ball wrong. That’s two different words! Not one… even though spelling it as one word does make a lot more sense. It still is not correct. So when you are already misspelling the title you know you are in for a treat.

Within the first five minutes, which include still images like opening titles and production studio logos there are six major inconsistencies to mythos. Ozaaru is a demon, Piccolo’s backstory is different, using Ki is called airbending, Goku is seventeen, Goku has trouble with learning Ki… uhm I mean air bending the Mafubaa is now something completely unrelated to everything else.  Luckily this is Dragonball and not Dragon Ball.. so that is okay… right? 

Next we see Goku as your typical teen, that feels more akin to Sam Rami’s  take on Peter Parker than the character we know and love. Now obviously this movie can’t  be cast with a six year old kid or something as it would simply not work out. During the Piccolo arc, which obviously is not the first in the anime, thus timewise this makes no sense either,  Goku was a bit older… but sure I can forgive this choice from a logistical perspective.  Filming this with a child actor would be tedious and would not work nearly as well as it could in animated form. I wonder if Justin Chatwin was the right pick for an 18 year old boy because clearly he is much older…fine.  The whole whitewashing Goku thing is nonsensical because he is an alien, he could be about any ethnicity.. of course in this movie he is just hell spawn.. so I guess a white straight cisgender privileged male makes about as much sense as anything else in this movie.

Dawsons Creek

After our first fight which involves grandpa Gohan swallowing a fly to a cartoon sound effect we move onto Goku’s  highschool live. The girl he likes is with this Chad guy played by an actor named Texas Battle.. now that is a Badass name and sounds like an assistant to All Might. Yet no.. in this movie he is a guy who randomly picks on Goku because…looking like Justin Chatwin makes you a wimp? It is never explained.  Now in class we get an exposition scene about an eclipse happening in two weeks and in the most pedantic the teacher tries to teach the school what an eclipse is as the movie tries to force us backstory down the troat by having a half asleep Goku claims that his grandpa believes  it is the sign that the Nameks will use to destroy the world.

Now I know this movie is not Dragon Ball.. its Dragonball but in the original source material Piccolo Junior (the Piccolo we know in the series) and Kami do not find out they are aliens until Dragon Ball Z, which allows for a whole lot of mysticism. Now this might not seem to bad but this leads to a chain reaction. Since Oozaru , a demon spawned from the earth  serves Piccolo they already do not feel connected in this story.. why would demons and aliens work together. Is it because old Piccolo’s nickname is Demon King Piccolo?! That was a title he chose because he did not know who he was! Why make him King of Demon’s while he is an alien.. those two do not connect well.  It also kiled the concept of Super Saiyan from the get go… even before they knew this movie would not get sequals.. If Nameks are aliens they would know of Saiyans and not call them demons…. also a person from Namek is not called a Namek… it’s a Namekian! I am beginning to get angry! And we are just 12 minutes in!

To woo Chichi Goku uses his Ki…I mean airbending to open a locker, now he suddenly airbend while before it was established he can’t do it. So simply by being horney.. he gains power… and this is not the only time it happens.. it’s actually a driving force behind Goku’s power troughout the entire movie. His competence rises with his Libido. Goku is supposed to be about as Ace as I am.. sure he has kids so technically like me he would be grey sexual but the point is the whole character was once build around not caring for these things! So not only do they get his age wrong, potentially his ethnicity wrong, his demeanour wrong and his aptitude wrong.. also his motivations, knowledge and even his SPECIES are wrong. Instead we of Goku get a super powered Dawson Leery trying to woo a girl.

Uncle Ben is that you?

Chichi is the girl Goku likes obviously and because he blew up everyone’s lockers and cluttered the floor, she decides to invite him to a party..on his birthday, which without even considering his grandpa goes along with that. While his grandpa is cooking a feast for his birthday Goku decides to say nothing to him and he just takes off… just so the bullies want to beat him up for showing at a party.  Goku beats the bullies by dodging them, claiming it is okay because he did not fight…. these bullies meanwhile come at him with metal rods… what kind of bullies are these? This is not even good high school drama.The fight is sort of entertaining because of how stupid it is though. With some pretty bad effects, even for the time and some very odd choices of the bullies they soon bite the dust.. destroying Texas Battle’s characters car in the end. This of course pleases ChiChi very much because I would be thrilled if people started a fight that leaves a totalled car on my front porch as well.

ChiChi tries to come on to Goku but Piccolo shows up and Grandpa Gohan’s house and Darth Vader’s Hands Gohan into dying.. after which he force pulls the entire house down on the man… because I forgot to mention this.. but he is looking for the Dragonballs, which he gave to Goku earlier. Goku suddenly can sense this.. and runs back home.  To find the house less destroyed than it was before and his grandpa covered by two sheets of wood. Gohan tells Goku that he needs to find all the seven dragonballs and stop Piccolo becasue after being sealed by the Mafuba 2000 years ago he returned…. how he did that is never explained it just happend. At least when Rita Repulsa returned in Power Rangers we saw some astronauts open the dumpster that held  her.. Piccolo is just back.. and he has a servant named Mai because she was in the original series and we need an evil woman to fight Bulma.

Grandpa Gohan with his dying breath tells Goku that with great power comes great responsibility, using different words and Goku is upset for letting his grandpa down.  Who gifted him an orange Gi from beyond the grave, coincidentally in one of the rooms of the house that has not been destroyed. We see Goku bury his grandpa when Bulma invades his house. Her father’s Orb as stolen.. of which she knows nothing about.. but she managed to build a device that is attuned to it’s wavelength so she can locate it now that it is stolen. To her knowledge it was just a pretty thing though so why build that radar?

At least the original Bulma knew what they did so it makes sense she built a radar. They decide to join forces to find the Dragon Balls and Goku dubs the device  A Dragonball Energy meter.. to Which Bulma says DBE.. I like it.. NO! NO! That is not a good joke! Dragon Ball Z gets nicknamed DBZ.. so Dragon Ball Evolution of course would be DBE ..but you named it Dragonball not Dragon Ball! Yet now when it’s convenient it becomes two seperate words?! This movie is not even consistent with it’s own title!

Go Go Goku

By now we are only about 30 minutes in. There is an hour left, Goku goes to find Master Roshi as his grandpa commanded.. who now is way younger than Grandpa Gohan.. .like waaaaaay younger but he was his master. Which is fine if you say he is long lived because of his Ki or something but no one even bats an eye that a 50 year looking dude taught a 70 year old life time martial artist?! At least give it a mention!  Thank Arceus Bulma finds a dirty book  though and Roshi grabs her butt and she threatens him for it.. this sequence is the only thing that resembles Dragon Ball.

Yet they have to ruin it by making this movie dumb again. Roshi forgot where he put his Dragon Ball/Dragonball so they have to look.. suddenly the DBE meter doesn’t work.. and Goku can sense the Dragon Ball/Dragonball.. this is the only time this happens.. later they establish that the DBE  can detect these relics with pinpoint precision and when the device is not usable Goku can not sense it.. There are so many plot holes here that even the most avid Dragon Ball fan can’t find the crater with Yamcha anymore!

This movie only gets worse, the group gets trapped in a hole by Yamcha that Roshi can just jump out off yet they spend an entire night in that crater whining about how they are running out of time, which in itself is a plot hole. Piccolo must make his wish during some sort of special solar eclipse named the blood moon for some reason and no on realise.. hey we could just keep a dragon ball/dragonball  from him… no they have go gather them all…so they can wish for his defeat? But halfway down the movie they realise this will not work so they do decide on just keeping the balls away.. somewhere down the road and to use the Mafuba to seal away Piccolo again..bringing the Dragon Balls closer to him.

Let’s not forget that the entire world never notices that  Piccolo has a floating sky fortress… which  stops being a thing all together at one point.. he destroys cities and people in the world don’t seem to notice.  This is really really bad. At one point Piccolo can use his blood to create what can only be called Putty Patrollers. That’s right Power Ranger Putty Patrollers are in this movie.  One Dragon Ball/Dragonball is in a volcano but they can not cross the lava because they can not fly yet.. suddenly they are attacked by the putties and Goku and Roshi fight them off when Goku uses them to build a bridge. 

Sure they are monsters but clearly they are alive. Goku should not really be so murderous that he tosses these in lava to form platform but he does… also  without the bad guy’s intervention they would not have gotten to the Dragon Ball.. well that can happen right?! The bad guys might be trying to reach the same location at the same time and  thus the fight would enable the good guys in the end? No! Mai apparently was on the other side all along not touching the Dragon Ball/dragonballl for some reason until she can hold Goku at gunpoint. Why send in the putties when your enemy is in the wrong place… how did you even get there?!

Kamehamehorney 

Not a single scene makes any sense at all. After the Volcano the group decides they don’t have time to find the other Dragon Balls in time so they must learn the Mafuba.. or more like.. get it.. as it’s a spell you can like take along with you apparently. This leads to Goku reuniting with Chichi who participates in the world Tournament.. Goku doesn’t care about such a match because he does not care about fighting, or the tournament.. he does care about Chichi… I honestly do not know how they do it but that single situational descriptor of a simple situation is 100% wrong… like they could not even be more off had they actually set it out as their goal to make an Anti-Goku.

This leads to the worst scene of the entire movie.. Goku learning the Kamehameha. Which now has the power to gently light candles on fire as Roshi demonstrates… yet Goku can not mimic this straight away..invalidating possibly the most iconic scene of entire original series.. Goku doing this complex technique on his first try. Now this would be enough to insult any fans to the core..but they make it WAAAAY worse. Chichi shows up telling him.. that if Goku can use the Kamehameha to light all the candles ..he can stand next to her and they can “kiss” this prompts Goku to grasp the concept of this technique. The two kiss and we fade to black. And we pick up with a scene of Chichi sneaking out of his room.

Oppa Gangnam Style

However this is not Chichi this is Mai in disguise who earlier drew some blood form Chichi which allows her to transform into Chichi… Goku however was not in his room.. perhaps he was at Chichi’s room.. so she is found out. The technique already feels stupid and forced.. but hey guess what it gets worse. When Chichi fights my in ther tournament Mai had no way of knowing who Chichi actually is to Goku, nor does  it makes sense she knew the group would gave up pursuit of the dragon balls instead, nor that their alternative technique would be taught there.

If we consider “Piccolo must have sense the dragon balls/dragonballs they carry’ that is something the group would know as he found plenty already.  Why would  you leave the Dragonballs alone in your room when you know the enemy can detect them. Either way you look at this it doesn’t make sense and the only viable explanation is.. Goku got careless because he wanted to get it on with Chichi which is about the most un-dragon ball you can get for an explanation.

Oh No Za Ru

Mai kinda kills Goku with some kind of Gassy Energy Shot thing.. because in the doppelganger fight Goku decides and hits the wrong Chichi.. even though he learned how to sense energy and should have mastered it because Kamehameha is the highest form of Airbending.  Now dead.. in the same way Harry Potter died in that last movie, Goku sees his grandfather who tells him it is not his time yet, after which Master Roshi Fires a Kamehameha into Goku..which now has the power to revive and heal people as well.  He gets up, they leave Chichi unconscious on the floor which is the second closet actual dragon ball moment in this movie, and pursue Mai and Piccolo who now head to the Dragon Temple..which is the location where you need to use all the Dragon Balls.

Yamcha now has a hovercraft/ flying car hummer which promptly gets shot down and while they are crashing.. Goku decides to switch into his Gi… yes .. while they are crashing! While his friends lie in pain out of the car we see Goku posing in his new Gi for like half a minute.. not even looking if they are okay he decides to face king Piccolo. Swearing Piccolo he will defeat Oozaru. Piccolo reveals to Goku he is Oozaru  and the blood moon will turn him… yeesz.. a once in a lifetime solar eclipse turning you into a giant monkey? How unpratic… it’s not even gonna be a giant monkey is it?!

So Goku turns into a not so great..I’d even so slightly tinier than average Ape and kills Roshi… by the way that whole Mafuba plot line got discarded by the evil Namek blowing up the urn with ease.  His regret causes him to change back into Goku and the final fight begins. The final fight is about is massively lackluster and looks like a 1 on 1 match of  splatoon with some pretty harmless colourful projectiles flying about. Suddenly Goku is as strong as Piccolo so I guess he must really be horney after having been turned into a tiny gorilla. 

The fight feels very throwaway and not Dragon Ball at all. With one final Kamehameha.. which is also the first one.. the conflict is ended… the iconic technique is not done justice of course. Instead they combine with with a visual more akin to the Super Dragon Fist with Goku flying through Piccolo.. like in the classic.. but instead of the hole.. which would make no sense we just see a blue explosion. So it has neither the pleasing elements of the Dragon Fist nor the Kamehameha.. That takes some skill on it’s own to combine both and get non of the joy!

With the evil defeated, Goku magically learns the enchantment to summon Shenlong… because why would they get that name correct..and instead of wishing for the people  that got killed in this incident to be returned the group just wishes for Roshi back. A touching sentiment but given that they would be given one ABSOLUTE wish..a bit lackluster. Given how the Earth Dragon Balls are supposed to bring back multiple people.. they even got the dragon balls/dragonballs themselves wrong!

Gotta Heed to Call Skip on Dragonball

I haven’t even said anything about the bad acting, the sub par cgi and the lack of an interesting musical score. Not only does this movie not work as a Dragon Ball flick, it is written so bad that even with different flavor this plot would have made no sense , with huge logic leaps bad writing and the worst implementation of a franchise ever. Avatar the Last Airbender the movie is a masterpiece compared to this.. the Room had more structure in its writing and Troll 2 had better effects and payoffs. Yet there is something fascinating about this movie. I would not call it enjoyment.. I would not say I had fun .. but I stared in awe as this movie unfolded.  There wasn’t a single moment where I did not want to turn of this movie but I constantly kept wondering.. they can not mess it up more than this right? Just to see it progressively worsen as we go along. 

As a random movie this is a pile of digimon doodoo but as  Dragon Ball/Dragonball Product this is the single WORST movie I have ever seen.. and I have seen Rubber. Which is a movie about a car tire with mental capabilities to explode peoples head..with a meta subplot of cops killing an audience mixed in. DBE is not so bad it’s good.. it’s so bad it’s fascinating.

Also they forgot Krillin!