Tag: Mario

What if Princess Pinkie Wrote: The Super Mario Bros (1993) Movie

Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie has returned with a new movies and Series Post!

I really love Bob Hoskins Portrayal of Mario, and the weirdness that is the Super Mario Bros movie. I reviewed it myself and gave it an equally strange grade. The super silly movie is great to watch, but let’s be honest it doesn’t have to do a lot with Mario. Yet Mario is also quite difficult to make a movie about. So if I was given the chance to make a movie..given that I would have to make it in 1993. What would I do?! How would I write the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie?

Brooklyn Brothers

Nintendo Super Mario Super Star Lampje Met Geluid

The Super Mario Movie starts with a story about how Dinosaurs ruled our world.. but then a meteorite struck! Claiming , that instead of wiping them out..it created a second world.. an underground world where dinosaurs continued to evolve. I think this concept might actually be usable after a slight repurpose. This time we will have the story about the meteorite happening but this time the narrator will inform us that it wasn’t just a meteorite that crashed into earth that day, it was a star (or a part of a star). a very special star! A power star! When that star crashed on earth it discovered a world hidden beneath hours.. another realm. The Dinosaurs got themselves trapped in that new world. Then we would get a little mention that these stars.. tend to seek each other out.. or that the star wants to be reunited.

I am using these two options because in more modern Mario incarnations, especially in the RPG’s there are several power stars, variations among each RPG and even in some other games, so ideally I’d use that idea! In 1993 with less Mario titles being out it might have to be pieces of a star. For the sake of argument though we will say that we can use the idea of multiple stars as it may have been adapted later on if the movie wasn’t such a huge flop..or at least borrowed from there. Plus Super Mario RPG was only three years away so perhaps a concept was lying about already!


With that said the next scene would replace the one of Daisy being dropped off at the orphanage. This time we see a boy flush his turtle away..we follow it as it ends up in the sewer.  It survived and crawled out of a pipe.  We see some mushrooms grow on the damp walls near the pipe.  Another star crashes in New York city missing the turtles but hitting the mushroom and the sewer pipe. As the pipe begins  to glow.. we see the little turtle and the water it came from being sucked back in the pipe.. as the water flow is reversed.  When we zoom in on the pipe we see it now grows green..and the mushrooms going next to it have all gone.

Not exactly how it would look but this would give you an idea!
A quirky Employer for Mario

Next we would be introduced to Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo! That’s  right we are keeping the original cast. In some cases at least! I won’t take this from Bob Hoskins!  The whole plumber skitt would happen but rather than be a conspiracy theorist Luigi is more of a scaredy cat. He saw a report on a meteor strike in New York  (x)  many years ago. The documentary would say it was covered up and Luigi would be scared of such an incident ever happening again.  The boys would get a job but Scarpelli’s men would get there first like in the original stealing the job from the plumbers. This time there would be no digsite. Instead Luigi and Mario and Mario’s girlfriend.. Pauline (instead of Daniella)  would talk about losing the job to Scarpelli! To which a strange old man tells he is opening a hotel, in an abandoned building, that has been abandoned ever since that weird event (x) years ago. This professor would kind of like professor E.Gadd and the hotel itself a reference to both Luigi’s Mansion as a series and Hotel Mario. I know it’s 1993 and E.Gadd was not invented yet ..but it will still work as just a plot point if he is just an old strange man.. I just made it a cameo for my fellow time travellers.

Scarpelli and his crew would not take any bigger role in this .. they are just to get Mario and Luigi to another job.. working for an odd ball they would normally refuse. While in the hotel they can hear some strange noises coming from the basement and Luigi acts afraid, thinking it might be ghosts. Mario  tells him to shape up as the pair heads to the basement.. They notice there is no water and the only way to turn it on is to enter the sewer grate just outside the soon to be hotel.  When they check the pipes they notice the water IS turned on.. but for some reason it is just not flowing.  Luigi then discovers the pipe with the water flowing backwards still glowing green.  Both look surprised as another star crashes near them, which spooks luigi and he falls into the water.. and gets sucked up in the green pipe.  Mario is intrigued and picks up the star, puts it away  and rather than jump into the water jumps towards the pipe.. and gets pulled in as well. We hear the iconic warp pipe sound as we get a trippy travel between worlds,

Gotta have those 90’s neon animations when travelling through worlds!

The Mushroom Kingdom

The next thing Mario sees is a clear blue sky as the pipe spits him out in a body of water in a grassy environment with a brick road close by! The grassy windows xp looking grassy hills nearby seem to have eyes? Then he hears Luigi screaming! Mario runs toward him and sees both Luigi and a tiny little dude with a little Mushroom dude screaming in Panic, played by Verne Troyer.. we will get an actual Toad in an actual Mushroom Kingdom! No Cyberpunk world here! But a world that actually looks like the Mushroom Kingdom. Think Classic Wizard of Oz look! The blue skies.. actual turn out to be blue glowing mushrooms covering some underground cave walls. After Mario slapped Luigi he mans up a bit and realizes Toad is asking for help! His village is under attack.

I could have spend more time photoshopping this.. but you get the point!

Mario agrees to help the little guy, grabbing plunger and wrench as they make their way to the village! Now here casting restraints show up! We can’t cgi to many fake toads, unless we oompa loompa it but since toads are skin coloured it might look too fake, so instead we get normal citizens.. but all have either a mushroom cap or some element of mushroom to them! They are attacked by two human goons with some facial prosthetics to give them a more beak-like mouth and on the back of them is a green and red shell! They replace the goons of the original movie so they can be played by the same actors. Looking more inhumane, however this time around in the real world Scarpelli and associates resemble these guys, to give a nice pair of rivals for Mario and Luigi! They claim they are coming to collect (x) coins taxes for King Koopa unless the Princess gives up her Star. Mario thinks he sees Scarpelli snaps and lashed out! Even Luigi helps! In a tavern brawl style with plumber tools our heroes come out victorious.. who by the way are already in their Iconic gear, as is their plumber uniform, no red and yellow dinner jackets… The Koopa Brothers swear that next time they will bring their hammers and will take care of them next time. Toad explains that these are Red and Green Koopa… also known as the Hammer Bros.

Of course rescuing the village would get Mario and Luigi invited by Princess Toadstool which still can be played by Samantha Mathiss. Toad can go as well. The princess baked a cake for them, Mario and Luigi ask for Spaghetti but the Princess doesn’t know what it is! She awards them a Mushroom, that when consumed helps them in their time of need. It will make them stronger. Mario hates mushrooms and Luigi likes them. As Mario gets his Mushroom, something in his pockets glow as well as a gem around princess Toadstools neck! She looks surprised but an explosion draws their attention. Bowser/King Koopa stands there with Red and Green Koopa who wield the SNES super scope that was used as the devolution gun in the original, this time painted black.  They shoot out a Bullet Bill with arms that grab Mario and Luigi sending them through a window! Bowser, still played by Dennis Hopper laughs at their screams and says Monkeys! Then he turns to Peach and tells her Game Over Princess!

I used the goomba suit from the movie as a Boswer Body.. despite my photoshop skills.. that would be neat!

Quest in Koopa Kingdom

The two brothers land in a desert, trying to make their way back to the palace and during their trip they encounter the Mushroom version of Professor E.Gadd or in 1993 a random scientist.  Played by Christopher Lloyd, cause he was the weird scientist back then. He lives out in the desert because his house was haunted but he is working on clearing it out. Luigi tells Mario he knew the hotel was haunted. For rescuing Peach however the professor gives them the jumping shoes from the original, and a hammer as a weapon! In trade of their plumbing tools, which he never saw before.

So this scene… we keep!

When the duo gets back to the castle, they find it abandoned except for a hiding Toad, he tells Mario he knows where they took the princess, a dark fort in the Koopa Kingdom, and he saw the enemies left through a pipe! Not far away. The group travels there together and we see them learn to use their new weapons and jumping shoes through a fair few challenges, defeating a few Koopa’s but as they draw closer to the fortress Toad begins to act more shady. Nervously looking around. The heroes don’t notice because that’s how Hollywood works. They make their way through the fortress in a Indiana Jones like fashion, with the castle being a trapped tomb. Singed and injured the two arrive at the end of the tomb where they have to fight Red and Green Koopa, which ends rather anticlimactic! Despite them tossing hammers this time.. using their jumpy shoes Mario and Luigi outmatched them badly. There they find all the coins Koopa stole from the people..and a tied up Mushroom girl… no princess. Toad looks ashamed and tells them he is sorry but the Princess is in another castle 

He explains while loving his ruler, he needed the money back as did the other mushroom folks and if King Koopa was defeated his goons would run off with the money. Toad and his girlfriend will bring the money back to the village, Mario should save his Princess now. A montage follows of Mario and Luigi traversing the next fort looking even more hurt! At the end they see King Koopa on the edge of a lava bridge! The princess caged behind him.  He reveals that there are seven stars each having a power of their own. His star can make him Immortal!  As such he lived for millions of years, so long he could evolve himself.. but he can also move back. He then grows his Spikey shell and bulks up as he breathes fire. Hitting Luigi, down for the count Luigi smells baked mushrooms, his favourite and eats it! This makes him buff up and have a grapple fight with Bowser holding him down.

Buff Luigi is a thing so no photoshop!

Luigi tells Mario to use that function on the Hammer and jump over Bowser!  Mario jumps over Bowser but thr monster leaps up for a moment, seeming to impale Mario on his spikey shell! A single drop of blood can be seen rolling from Bowsers shell, a shocked Luigi and Peach stare at the shell, then crank a smile! We see Bowser shell again, no more blood rolls across but rather a rainbow light effect! Bowser looks surprises as Luigi leaps back! “Your Star may make you immortal Bowser, Mine makes me invisible” Mario says, he then kicks off from Bowser’s shell and he and Luigi press a button on the bottom of their hammer. It changes into an axe! Bowser pleads for mercy but the two axes chop down the bride as Bowser falls into the lava he had used to warm his Dinosaur Blood. We see his hand come up from the lava one more time.. but to no avail. Bowser is dead.

Terminator 2 Thumbs Up GIFs | Tenor

Epilogue

The Princess is rescued and Bowser’s star floats towards them. Luigi jumps across and boosts to far, stumbling into a room where he finds a white egg with green dots. He asks if it should be tossed in the lava but Peach tells him not too! He star has the power to heal.. so she heals Mario and Luigi , they go back to the Mushroom Kingdom where Mario gives up his star! Peach promises to keep them safe! Mario and Luigi should return to their own world, but that soon she will invite them for a new cake!  They find the warp pipe that leads them home being waved goodbye by the Mushroom people and Peach, clutching the Egg. It hatches and also sees Mario and Luigi leave! Peach names the baby, Yoshi.

Don’t worry little guy Pinkie liked you in the movie! So you can stay as you were!.. Except you are also Bowser Junior now

One year later appears on screen. Mario is taking his girlfriend Pauline to the Zoo, Luigi is there along with Toad who is wearing a disguise as a kid. Pauline remarks that Mario could have worn something else than his working outfit, he refuses, this is the gear of a Mario brother. He and Luigi Fistbump in front of the Gorilla cave.. the sign shows this Gorilla’s name is Donkey Kong. Toad noticed one of Mario’s boots is untied..as he bends  over a Mushroom falls out his pocket, snatched by the Gorilla hand. The screen goes black, metal bars snap and Pauline yells.. we here the Iconic Game start sound of the arcade game play as we enter the credit roll.

And that my friends is how I would have made the Super Mario Bros 1993 movie whilst also setting up a possible Mario Cinematic universe. No actors would be recast with the exception of Koopa’s secretary and King Fungus, but they would be cast as random mushroom city citizens. Everybody wins! How would YOU make the Super Mario Bros Movie (as restricted per the 90’s ) ? Would you go see my Mario Movie (provided that some costumes look a bit better than my photoshops) let me know in the comments while I go do some research for my Kirby in Dreamland adaptation. Because Remember…..Friendship is Magic, but Dreams are even more wonderful! Oyasumi!

I Look Fancy! I DESTROY Karen! Overpriced Japanese Knick Knacks for Glamour and Glory!

Dear Guests, dear Subjects, todays royal decree is a challenge to the worst enemy of commerce!  The thing that managers have nightmares about! Today is a post on how to stick it up to …… Karen!  Karen for those who don’t know is a type of woman that complains about company policy in order to get financial again! This is often done in a very toxic way!  Your rules will be read through a double standard.. no matter how well you phrase them out. So finding better worded rules would not do. I would have to find a way to make her respect me…despite the rules. Thanks to briljant CEO Seto Kaiba I got an idea!

Screw the Rules: I have a $100 lip cream!

Conversations with Karen tend to be lengthy and loud. Big mouth movements are required.  So it will often be a painful experience if you go into this conversation with cracked lips!  So with the first product of JapanTrendsShop of today, we will make sure we never get a bleeding lip from yelling back at Karen. We also take our first step in shutting her up!  Just walk up to the counter or desk where she demanded you and take this lip cream out.. carefully applying it to your lips! She knows you are getting ready for an inevitable confrontation and she know it won’t be pretty… unlike your lips AND your lip Balm!

Ojamajo Doremi Pirika Pirilala Color Lip Creams

Presenting the Ojamajo Doremi Pirika Pirilala Color Lip Creams!  This product will cost you $91 or €80 and you will not get one but TWO amazingly visually impressive lip creams of about 12 centimeters per stick worth of lip moisturizing cream. The designs are based on the anime Magic Doremi and it is being marketed as Lip Cream for kids!… Despite the disclaimer saying it is for the ages of 15 and up! So… regardless it is perfect for my demographic!  People of ages 15 and up.. who are all still children at heart. The Peperuto Pollon is the pink one and it taste like strawberries due to strawberry extract. The Picotto Pollon is the red one.. and it tasted and smells like roses due to rose hip oil!  I did not even know roses had hips, but clearly they do! The more you know! 

The product is made in Japan and moisturizes your hips by a product called squalane.. which at least to me sounds very tasty!  Yet.. having perfectly balmed lips in front of Karen is only the first of two great effects! The second is that with your little magical girl wand you look super intimidating! Karen WILL think “Oh no! She just burned $100 dollar on two sticks of Lip Balm… if she has that much money to burn.. perhaps she doesn’t need my business!

The first battle is yours with this neat Knick Knack!

Screw the Rules:  I have a $1200 Pokémon Bag

Pokemon Longchamp Top Handle Bag XS

For this whole gag I am going to do we need to take a fair bit of stuff out of our bag and hand it over to Karen or wave it in her face, so we might as well include the handbag in our gag. Karen always thinks that she is the center of your universe. She is your goddess! You must respect her!  So by showing her you worship others that will hurt her case!  Obviously Karen is a fudging normie so you can’t put Madoka or Evangelion characters up and expect her to know who it is… but she probably will know Pikachu.. from that time her son wanted a pikachu cake and this apprentice patissier said they did not do Pikachu  cakes.. So by wearing an iconic character on your bag.. she knows.. she is not your god! Pikachu is!

The Pokémon Longchamp Top Handle Bag, can help you achieve this for the price of $1152 or €1031. The bag comes in three colours that all have nothing to do with Pikachu.. but that will help you combine it with your outfits rather easily! Red, Black and White! It is made by Longchamp which are a renowned french accessory maker… apparently!  It is also officially licensed Nintendo Merchandise! It is made with cool materials such as real leather and Black nickel!  It has a Zipper and a snap to put all your goodies away safely… well some of your goodies.. it’s an XS bag!  Having dimensions as small as 14x 17 by 10 centimeters. Which basically means fitting in two juice boxes. .will be a very tight fit! Paying so much money for that will definitely upset Karen though!… And the next item on our list will definitely fit!

You will definitely have Karen in the bag with this item! Though not this bag..it’s to tiny!

Screw the Rules: I have 50 Cake Toppers

By now Karen’s ego is really beginning to hurt.. and this is where you launch your true offensive, you see Karen’s goals are twofold! First of all she wants to inflate her own importance!  Because no one gives her compliments so she wants to be a queen in a store.. and secondly she loves free stuff. Decent human beings get gifts  from friends.. but Karen is not a decent human being! She is just frustration embodied in an average looking woman!  And I am being generous to Karen’s looks here!  Regardless of how hard you dominate.. Karen will not leave untill she gets a small victory..usually in the form of free stuff! So we will give her a laxative infused cupcake!  Because.. if you Karen me.. you ain’t gonna get your micro victory.. they will all be mine! So if I give you stuff.. it is to make you hurt more! Plus this ties in nicely with the next product Teehee!

For €40 or $45 you can get four  cute Mario and Luigi Cake toppers as well as an amazing warp pipe to serve them in!   I can not deduce if they can be placed in the oven.. so from the looks of them I would not…  but they probably can! They make 5cm cup cakes.. so you know Karen isn’t getting a whole lot of cupcakes!  Plus she needs to give the cake skewer and the cup back to you!  Which already is a thing Karen won’t like! These cupcake toppers are fairly overpriced and once more show Karen.. you have actual heroes! They are called Mario and Luigi and this is a super cute way to eat cupcakes when Karen is gone.. just make the cupcakes without the laxative!  JapanTrendShop really wishes to make clear that the cupcakes you see in the picture are not included in the actually officially nintendo licensed product… and I am kind of glad… though I guess a cupcake that stale could have worked as a laxative as well?!

Karen will feel pretty shitty when you confront her with these amazingly cute cake items!

Screw the Rules: I have $125 Toilet Paper

Luxury Toilet Paper Gold Gift Set

It is time to fully mute Karen, you see handing back the cupcake cup and the topper was only to keep her in your office or at the desk so you can finish her off completely!  In this final step we will destroy her pride, intimidate her father and even do some classic blame shifting. You see when she asks you if you can use the bathroom you will point her to  the staff bathroom, under supervision so she can’t steal.. she will object at first but the laxative will soon convince her otherwise. As she agrees you send an employee with her to the staff bathroom where she will find this special toilet paper set from Japan. It is a gift set.. but well you can buy this gift for yourself and to break Karen’s spirit. 

With the fire down below burning properly she will see the gold leaf gift box these 8 rolls of toilet paper come in. She can see the craftsmanship of handmade and unique wrapping around every roll , as she has to break one open!  She is about to break into a 15 dollar roll of toilet paper while a staff member outsides can hear her do it!   She opens a roll to find the amazing unique designs .. one unique for every roll out there!   Each sheat of double or triple toilet paper of a material is so soft that it feels like a baby’s skin.  She thinks it might be extra thick so inspect it.. but no.. it is 2 or 3  sheets thick just.. you can get thicker in grocery stores.. it’s not scented for luxury either.. so it’s just the rest. No hiding behind a scent Karen.. you are washing away 5 dollars worth of toilet paper just from a single shit, and still she hears her stomach growling. She is starting to feel guilty and your victory is complete!

Broken Karen emerges from the toilet.. she just stumbles outside the store!  For a manager who can afford all this without any regrets she knows she is nothing!  She knows you do not care about the rules, you have money!  She knows she is not the center of your universe.. but all this weird japanese stuff is!   She will just come into your store or resort to do what she needs without complaint.. she has learned her lesson and is Karen no more.. now she is Kara.. that’s a superhero name right? She googled it?! Perhaps you will like her better now!

Karen’s spirit really will be flushed after she sees you burn money on this!

No more beans!

Karen has been defeated.. but your blood pressure is kind of spiking! While defeating Karen this way is fun, usually dialogue with one of her kind  makes you wish you had a spiky baseball bat instead that you could just swing into your face!  You need to unwind!  An average stress ball costs you about 50 cents.. that is so cheap I don’t even need to to  a price correction.  But for about 48 times more money you get this anti stress thing that looks like a coffee grinder. It is super tiny so it can’t grind any actual beans but according to Japan it will make you relaxed and I found the commercial at the end fairly funny because I don’t get why half of that commercial is there.. or why this product needs a commercial!  Gori Gori  though!  Check out the commercial down below! 

Relaxation from Karen is only $28’s away…

I probably would get stressed from holding such a tiny thing! Might as well grind real coffee.. but I have servants for that!  Aaahhh now that’s an idea that makes me relaxed. In fact.. I might go take a princessy nap right now!  Enjoy your stay in Paradise my loyal subjects! Oyasumi!
Oh and if you want me to realise this anti Karen Plan please consider supporting me on Kofi!

I want a Real Estate on Paradise: Reviewing Video Game Castles

Hello Little Lights! In real life I am quite content with my new place in my real life. Yet virtual me has much more of a struggle! I am not made for a tiny little hut! I need an Estate to keep all my things!  Not one of those villa mansions either.. I want something special! Something that screams.. someone who is more than just a manager lives here! 

So I hired a realtor as we checked out some fairly iconic real estate.. You know I’d probably alter it just a bit so it is safe for me to use.. but you know a girl has to have inspiration. Anyway I found this Realtor named Phil.. he kind of is a geek! Met him in some virtual game.. and today we are looking at some of the most iconic Real Estate in video games.

Dracula’s Castle (Castlevania)

Dracula’s Castle

Phil : So this is the first place I would like you to see, it’s a  classical gothic structure, stemming from  1094, and belonged to a guy named Mathias Cronqvist, a powerful alchemist that lived up until the end of the 1990’s. It has about 200 rooms and can travel dimensions and locations, as it has shown up in Europe, Transylvania but also Japan as well.   It is also known to change shape and sizes to fit wherever and whenever it is needed.  I will be honest, the original owner has passed away in the castle.. as I am legally obligated to tell you this… in fact he has been murdered in his castle by a blonde man with long hair and a whip… and the palace might be a bit of a fixer upper.. but I think it can provide you years of happiness

Mathias Cronqvist

Pinkie: Phil this is Dracula’s castle from Castlevania isn’t it?!  Why do you use to name Mathias Cronqvist, now I have to explain to my readers that in Castlevania lore, Dracula is not an alter ego of Vlad Tepes, but of an alchemist who made himself immortal through his science and all that stuff. Besides I am not sure this place is for me.  It looks quite gloomy. I might become more than a manager soon, but I am pretty sure I won’t be turning evil or a vampire! If anything I am trying to become less nocturnal and Rainbows can’t be out in the dark.

Phil: Well it has a library, it has a dinner room, it has a piano room  and even it’s own swimming pool! You made a big deal out of wanting your own swimming pool which I don’t really get because don’t you have some amazing pools in Paradise?! I guess this palace is a bit of a fixer upper, you might need to fix some staircases fixed but that should not be to hard! It comes pretty cheap ever since the creators wanted to fix more on pachinko machines, the castle has been neglected a bit so you can pick it up without overspending. 

Pinkie:  Sure Phil, then tell me how we get from the main hall to the dining room. If you can explain it to me in less than a paragraph I will consider buying this place. 

Symphony of the Night Castle map

Phil:  I think that’s a bit unfair.. it is easy enough! All you need to do is gather a red orb from the music room, then kneel at a pond , a staircase that leads your underwater will be revealed.  You need to follow the tunnel and then choose the third mirror on the second floor from of the study and enter it and it will take you straight to the drawbridge that if it is open will take you to the dining room, If not you might need to take a little detour by getting a grappling hook..to move onto a higher platform.. but we can just build a staircase there to work around that.

Pinkie: I think you know why I am passing on this. I don’t want to need Nintendo Power to find my bedroom each night.. let’s go look at the next lot.. but before we go.. I really need to pee, could I use the bathroom here?!

Phil: Sure all you need to do is walk up the half broken stairs,  take a little leap of faith down  from the overpass, defeat the giant bat in the pantry so it drops a key that lets you access the west wing. Follow that to the end by jumping a few gaps and dodging some medusa heads and it will lead you right to the clock tower the bathroom is at the top.. it really is nice for the drainage.. you never have any smell or annoying kids throwing fireworks in the sewer to make your toilet spill.

Hyrule Castle (Legend of Zelda Series)

Hyrule Castle 64

Phil: Okay.. I am sorry you died twice while trying to get to the bathroom, that was my fault.. This palace is actually owned by a titular character. It follows a more classic structure and has plenty of space. A princess much like … Oh right… A Smash Brothers character I guess, lived here and many of her incarnations have found happiness in this castle.  Her father has been murdered in it only once .. so it already has way less deaths to it than most other castles we will visit. It already has been restored properly for the potential of Breath of the Wild 2.. and it has only gotten larger over time.

Pinkie:  This is actually quite nice Phil.. but  there seems to be a very thick wallpaper on the walls, I don’t really like it. .can I paint over that?!   It seems like it might go a bit soggy if I do.

Phil: Don’t worry you can paint over it.. the thick wall paper has been in place because the castle got devastated and converted to a fortress of evil for a bit.. during the era of the hero of time.  You know six magical seals were placed. spirits of some sages were imprisoned.. it all resulted in a bit of an edgy architecture, the rightful owner restored it to its previous condition.

Pinkie: Ah I see.. how unfortunate for the rightful owner! I would not like it if someone came and took my castle and made it into a dark fortress! So what’s that greenish looking residue on the ceiling, it kind of looks like mold!

Submerged Hyrule Castle

Phil: It’s dried in Algae actually, you see a couple of years later the country of Hyrule got completely flooded and the castle became completely submerged for many years! The princess became a pirate and all that unless a new hero could be found.. but after the evil was defeated it dried right up!  You might find a few pin bones here and there..but nothing a good round with a vacuum cleaner can’t fix up.

Pinkie: Okay.. but is it still a flooding hazard now? I mean I am Dutch so we know how to make dry land…but that sounds awfully costly! I also notice a lot of plaster work has been renewed and the cellar has  a do not enter sign? Why is that then?

Strike on Hyrule Castle

Phil: Well fairly recently the entire castle was destroyed because the evil forces took over four fire  giant animal mecha’s and layed the castle in ashes. The hero of the wild took control of them back.. but not before the evil  created all sorts of spider cyclops.. it really hurt the drywall.   The evil was defeated by the giant animal mechas firing a combined beams at him… but unfortunately the wine cellar now is just a crater. You know.. this castle does end up getting cursed or destroyed a lot.. given how unlucky you can be this might not be the purchase for you… I might be able to sell it to Pepper though.

Pinkie: Who is Pepper? Why would you sell him this thing? This is a timebomb! It gets destroyed like every other generation?! And why do all the shadowy corners of the castle have this dog pee scent to them?!

Dr Wily’s Castle (Mega Man)

Classicc Wiley’s Castle

Pinkie: Phil are you really trying to sell me Dr Wily’s castle?! I mean the music here is SOOOO good that I would almost consider it ..but this is an architectural nightmare. I know my taste in things can be a bit garish at times.. but this is pushing it. Maybe Indigo and Kuro would like it but why would I like a building that has a huge satellite dish, a  giant skull and some ribs.. a rocket.. that in the original design actually is more like a bullet.. and some silo’s that look like they belong on a farm?! I want a brick castle not a steel one! That is super cold and I am a fairy type! Steel is super effective against me!   So no I can already tell I will pass on this one. 

Phil: Yeah I guess this one might not be for you, you are going for a more classical vibe right? You know as Realtor I am obligated to at least show you a different style. But if you look for a princess castle we will look for something traditional. Sorry about that sometimes I can make this mistake as I come from such a Modern Family. 

Pinkie: Okay.. I wrote that joke.. and I might not get any emmy’s for it .. but for the sake of this post i’ll say, You are a funny man Phil!

Phil: Thank you, it’s actually a fact that if you look up the word funny inside an encyclopedia you  see my face! I am very proud of it! And sorry for wasting your time! But hey isn’t it cool to see this in real imaginary life?!

Wiley’s Gear Castle

Ted: Actually that word is pronounced encyclopeahdia!  I do agree with Pinkie though this place is an architectural nightmare.. besides it garish looks those eyes in the skull will give very big problems with heat regulation, the use of such varying materials such as bone, steel , brick and red plastic will also make sure that your house expands in various degrees when it is heated up by sunshine which would cause significant  structural damage over time.  The palace also has a lot of self destruct buttons which is trouble when you run with a cast as wild as Pinkie’s.

Pinkie: Who invited you here?!  You know what.. you can stay.. lots of these palaces have been needing changes , you might be useful. Besides.. now I got two sitcom characters and WandaVision is super popular right now.. I might be able to bank on their success by doing this weird cross over thingamajig myself.  

Ted: Cool, while we go to the next lot , how about I tell you the story of how I met the mother of my children?!

Phil & Pinkie: NO!!!!!

Princess Peach Castle (The Mario Series)

The Castle of Castles

Phil: So you seem to like Nintendo so I figured let’s try this one as well, this one might be a bit pricey to get but it needs the least work.  It is in functioning order.. and it also doubles as a dimensional hubworld , you can hang up a painting of Scott and jump straight through his blog by jumping through a painting. I love Scott! he talks about such great tech!  There is room for a lot of those rooms.. and the castle is pretty much cleaned of all other furniture so you can move right in! The times of the princess being kidnapped is mostly over now, she recently plays a more active role in adventures so she is looking to move into a bit of a smaller place. With a bigger kitchen so she can make more cakes!  Also perhaps a bit of added security! So yes you might need a few tech upgrades here and there but over all I think this could be the perfect castle for you!

Pinkie: You actually might be right Phil, I really like this one.. though I really need to do something about that stained glass Window that is shaped like Princess Peach! I mean  I don’t like the coconuts of the island to start worshipping the wrong person!  I know I am getting some design changes soon.. so I might not look her a lot.. unsure do you think we can change that window Ted?

The Skylight

Ted:  That may proof a bit trickier than you think you see that  skylight opens up a dimensional portal to the sky domain if light shines trough it.. if we wear it down at the wrong time of day…or take to long we may actually rip a fabric in the space time continuum which could have disastrous results..  We may even be dragged straight to hell as depicted by the Poët Dante who’s famous work Inferno has become the blueprint of ultimate dystopia as we know it!  If I were to quote him in the original Italian it would go a little something like this….

Pinkie: Shut up Ted!

I really wanted to use this

Frederik: Oh Hai everyone.. I see you chose a second grade realtor.. while actually I am the one that should have been listed, so I just came to tell you all that and maybe start a bit of a fight with Phil.. as it will be good for the ratings! I know what you are going to see, Frederic you work in New York and the Mushroom Kingdom is not in there.. but if you have ever seen the Super Mario Bros movie.. you know the Mushroom Kingdom is actually set beneath Brooklyn.. so this is my turf! How dare you take on other Realtors.

Pinkie: Go away Frederik I doubt any of my readers will know who you are!  I wanted to use a Realtor for this post most people know and I first selected Kirstie and Allan from House Hunters UK .. but I opted out of that as well.. so you can go away too! Don’t you dare bring Josh Altman into this either.. these castles are not Million Dollar listings.. we pay fictional money here not real!

Frederic: Oh.. why did you not say that from the beginning anyway.. not interested then.. see you later alligator! I must say I love Paradise though! Can I grab a cocktail?! Maybe some of the delicious food as well?

Pinkie: Yeah yeah go ahead.. I am am busy! Phil… I love this place. It’s so cute and girly and it has a nice garden . how much would I need to offer to get this.. and could you please send these toads away?! It might be kind of unprofessional to let them hear how excited I am about this! They may make sure Peach gives a higher counter offer.

Phil: Oh no you don’t need to worry about these Toads Pinkie, they won’t spy for Peach, they come with the castle


Pinkie: …….. I’m Out!

Where did the "Shaking Toad" gif come from? - Album on Imgur

A Minecraft Palace

Ted: Pinkie, is your existence not based around that of the V-Tuber and do you not seek to return to YouTube once your health Issues pick up?!

Pinkie: That is true
.. why?!

Ted: One word:
Minecraft

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is confused-pinkie.png

Pinkie: Building my own castle?! 
That seems like a lot of effort.

Ted: For Realz
And hey the effort could be video content!

Pinkie: I don’t want to spend two months building a palace and I bump my head all the time! If everything has blocky edges I’d hurt myself a lot! Plus I ‘d have to use a lot of cheats.. unless we find like a very little version of Steve that can just build a huge palace that it seems round it might not be a very good idea.

Ted: Look what I found though it is a tropical  Sandstone palace made in Minecraft set on a tropical island! It has a lot of space, and you can completely customise your house! It could be a fun thing to do with some members or Staff as well. You know build Paradise Island in Minecraft! There. Sandstone will keep you cool on hot days but also holds some heat in winter so it is a good way to build a home, it beats making a house of wool blocks and then getting a fire don’t you think!

Pinkie: Wow that’s a pretty palace I’d like to make something like that.. but let’s be honest I do not really have the patience for that. Could we not just imagine this is kind of like my palace?!  Just a lot of pinker?! Also who told you about my wool castle?! It still hurts! It was so fluffy! Then it was all gone! Let’s pass on Minecraft for now and wait untill I have enough followers to help me build such a thing! 

Stormwind Keep (World of Warcraft)

Stormwind Keep

Phil: Okay this one might be a bit bland for your taste, but it is highly customisable.. It’s built out of mostly white bricks,  and has held kings of Stormwind for many generations. It’s also set in a world where cities and castles can fly.. so getting it to Paradise should not be too hard.   It comes with a courtyard, throne room and has several rooms that can easily be adapted to suit all your needs,  it even has a bit of a protective wall, to keep the simps out!  It hasn’t been destroyed as much. Lot’s of rooms and no Toads.  It doesn’t come with any staff as most people  prefer to be stuck to a Stormwind of the past.  There is a lot of time shenanigans with a gnome, it somehow exists in several realms and some of them are pretty dead and we might be able to snipe one of these during a server merge or a Timeweaver event or whatever they are called.

Pinkie: Hmm I don’t dislike Stormwind keep! It does look nice without looking braggy! Those Lionheads can be replaced I assume?! How about the blue roofs can we make them pink Ted?!

Ted: I got into a lot of troubles due to Lionheads so I will happily take this one down .. Stormwind itself has coloured roofs for all districts, the mage district has purple shingles if we sun bleach them those will appear Pink.. .. Would you like to change the Lionhead into an effigy of yourself?

We need prettier decorartions

Pinkie: Eeew No! But yeah the Lionhead is a pretty tacky icon..  like .. oh we are a human organisation in a fantasy setting.. lets use blue banners and golden Lions.. .for some reason that is really unoriginal.  It is a bit of a bland generic  and the castle has that around it as well but.. to be honest it is filled with a lot of characters that are spoofs of other things, so it does really fit!  Let’s make an offer!  So how much do you think we should offer Phil?!

Phil: Oh don’t worry all we have to do is tweet that Diablo II Remastered will NOT have HD cutscenes.. that should shut down a server or two!  It will be cheap! Oh and have you heard about the new subscription plan?! This place will be a steal!

Pinkie: Ahhh Cancel Culture at it’s finest!  Now we should go on a hunt for some nice things to customise my new place!  Thanks Phil.. Thanks Ted!  And thanks to the reader who put up with this entire post! I hope you all shine on little lights! Oyasumi! Oh and if you want to help me in the accessory hunt.. you might want to consider supporting my Kofi!

Pinkie Ranks: Top 5 N64 Songs/Soundstracks

Welcome back again little lights of my life!  Today I will ramble more about gaming! Why?! Because as a Virtual Blogger it is now my task to have factually correct opinions!  So to celebrate that I am right I really wanted to do a top 5. I wanted to do a top 5 Kaiju first.. but I realised.. I really have to know them a bit better. Mamma Mothra is considered the mother of monsters so .. maybe Godzilla is like my brother.. I might need to learn more about him before I think he is a bit basic.

 So because I was listening to video game music while listening to this post .. how about I review video game music again! From the N64 this time!  As I did SNES and NES in the past! Like with them, only one entry per franchise (uhm kind off) ..with an honourable mention in the same game (most of the time) .

<Disclaimer> All the Songs Are YouTube Videos, to hear them read this post on my actual website. <End Of Disclaimer>

Number 5: SS Anubis – Jet Force Gemini

Jet Force Gemini was a great game on the N64 that would have never really been on my radar. Shooting bugs with an anime girl, a guy in space armor and a dog wasn’t something I was particularly interested in at the time.. it looked “kiddy” yet did not play kiddy.. so I kinda found that dumb! So I decided to rent Star Wars Shadows of the Empire instead… man I really disliked that game! The shooting was so awful.  I returned the game the same day as I took it out.. even though I rented it for a week.. I did not want Shadows to be my weekend!  The Video Game Store Owner recommended me to Jet Force  Gemini instead and since I wanted space Violence I reluctantly agreed. My mind was blown. This game was so much better!  It also had really great music! Very different from what you expect such a cute looking game.  The game played so smooth as well.. so I actually kept renting this until I finished it! …Which meant I would have been better off buying it.. .but oh well.

SS Anubis is a track that has a super foreboding tone, but also something big! It had this  explorative.. spy movie like quality that also really worked well for alien stuff. Those were some strange times!  It is very loopable.. and non intrusive and easy to put on a loop, by it’s own it might sound a bit boring for those who have never played the game.. but there was a way that these tracks were designed where ingame sound and audio blended together in such a nice cocktail that this always left an impression on me! A second favourite of mine is the fire planet Eschebone!  I mean.. there are just so many pretty sources of light there and.. the music is absolutely bone chilling. There is a real sense of danger and evil there.. and even though the level absolutely sucks donkey kong.. with the last K being replaced with a D but it’s theme was amazing. Rare did an amazing job. I could have filled this list with just rare songs alone and it would still be a great list. They are on here a lot.. in fact….. the next entry might be Rare as well!

Honourable Mention: Eschebone

Number 4: Sloprano – Conker’s Bad Fur Day

I love platformer games, yet on Nintendo 64 that love was tested a bit.  I wasn’t the biggest fan of Mario 64. It’s a great game don’t get me wrong but there were a lot of stars that aren’t fun to collect. I now.. and always will dislike a game that requires ultra specific , conditions such as entering a level at 12 o clock to stop all the moving parts, or figuring out some super vague secrets. Nowadays I do enjoy playing through it. .but then I was heavily leaning towards Team Rare. Donkey Kong 64 is a game I (as one of the few people)  really liked (except for playing the Arcade games)  and Banjo Kazooie, in my eyes blows Mario completely out of the water. So when  a platformer was said to release with lot of potty humor, violence and Teddy Bears I was on board all the way! I had a lot of fun with the multiplayer but I had even more fun with the campaign.. especially the earlier parts.

Sending bees to a sunflower, so she gets ticklish enough to show her boobs to a horney and hungover king bee… and of course.. fighting a giant turd by the power of conjuring context sensitive toilet paper. I loved this game so much and in part it is because of the Opera Scene.. weirdly I am a sucker for Opera music in video games and this one is no different.. although a bit low brow!  It’s a song sung by a baritone piece of poo that flings parts of his body at you and the entire opera is metaphors for the excrement. However the way how tempo in the song is used to ramp up difficulty and the comical and clever text pushed this towards some greater heights. While I would not say this track is “forgotten” I often see it passed over for the DK Rap, which I will cheat with and make my honorable mention here. Conker Had great music troughout the game, I very much love the main theme as well.. but since these are the two most iconic N64 songs with Vocals..both by Rare and the same type of game .. I think it is allowed.. and that way you can compare and agree with me that Sloprano is a more unique song!

Honourable Mention : DK Rap – Donkey Kong 64

Number 3: Gerudo Valley – The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time

The Legend of Zelda  Ocarina of Time was my first experience with this absolutely amazing franchise, with either this or Windwaker being my favourite installment. The Minish Cap taking a close third. My little sister forced me to call the main character we know as Link Turban8  (Tulband8 in Dutch)  or she would reset my game over and over.. so  my first Journey with Turban8 was quite unique.. I had never played a game like  this before and here it became clear that I was a true gamer and my sister was not.  We had to play together but I picked up on the nuances of this game fairly quickly and in the end she abandoned playing this so Turban8 was strictly controlled by me.  I loved the music of this game so much, the overworld theme, Zelda’s Lullaby,  Saria’s song.. this game blew me away! Music was an actual theme in the game and I would often just try to match the songs that were playing in the background. I learned to do this pretty okay as well.. and I adapted to a new way of Video game thinking.. away from the SNES platformer mentality.

One song impressed me so much more than the others, and that was the song of Gerudo Valley!  My oh my did I love that song. The temperament of that song, the punch it packed and the “Bandito” theme really made this an absolute bob!  I would often return to Gerudo valley just to hear that amazing song. Song of Storms will be put forward as my honourable mention, it can’t hold a candle to Gerudo Valley for me though! I love this song SO much! I loved it so much it was in my dreams! I once dreamed I got married to a video game character and we had to dance on the music! I just soared like an eagle to Gerudo  Valley! Even did the rose/flamenco thing!  Hmmm….I watched a lot of cartoons back then! I wasn’t able to beat the game at that age, the temple of Shadow and Spirit proved too tricky for me.. but I kept coming back to this game and falling for the song over and over again. I was so happy it got to be a thing in Smash Bros as well!  They also made an absolute amazing Mariachi version of this!

Number 2: Rainbow Road – Mario Kart 64

When I was just a little Pinkie, I had a little friend with a bowl cut, who always invited me to come play Mario Kart on SNES.. I always lost and did not  think I would like the sequel.. I hated SNES Rainbow Road to the core!  My friend always beat the living daylight out of me! So when I first got Mario Kart 64 I kind of was upset! I didn’t really like that game.. I always played it with my friend because they wanted to play it, not because I liked it.. but I quickly realised how good this game actually is! I loved how this game controlled.. I loved the new weapons and I could actually stay on track and .. since I was not friends with Bowlcut  anymore.. I did not really lose to anybody.. except my sister .. but she would punch me if she lost, so I faked losing a lot.  Regardless , whenever she was not there I would race the AI on harder cc’s and win!  I had so much fun! Then I had to do Rainbow Road.. and it was AMAZING.

Rainbow Road 64 is my favourite Mario Kart Track and Track ever.  It really felt like the end of a (short)  journey and instead of being punished .. like in the last one you were rewarded with a gorgeous track..which almost took as long to complete as the entire rest of the game.  Seeing those character depictions on the sky, the sense of actually driving on a Rainbow.. it did more to me than being just a great track.. and track.. I think my love for Rainbows came from that game.. before that I kinda felt they were overrated but I loved Rainbow Road 64 so much that I even made a Mario Kart Rainbow Road Dungeon in my Digimon campaign. It was super fun! During the game the track almost constantly played and no one was ever annoyed by this music looping.  It hits all the right notes of grandeur, space and lightheartedness. This isn’t a final dreadful trial for you to overcome.. this is a reward.. your victory lap!  That is to me what Rainbow Road should be. The track before that,  should be the final trial. This game got that feeling right, and this track is a perfect accompaniment for it. Oh right.. honourable mention.. Koopa Troopa Beach I get.. cause Island vibes?! It isn’t even in the same ballpark though.. heck.. if Rainbow Road is Yankee stadium.. then Beach isn’t even in America.

“Honourable” Mention: Koopa Troopa Beach

Number 1: The Entire Soundtrack – Banjo-Kazooie

I know , I know, this sounds like yet another cheat.. but you can really take your pick here and pick from anything in this library of this game. Freezy Peaks, Gruntilda’s Lair, Spiral Mountain,  the actual main theme, every single track is amazing.. but before we get into that let’s talk a bit about my history with this game. I was reluctant to pick  this up as Mario 64 had been a bit of a mid-experience for me.  When I say MID I mean that in the softest way possible. I had a great time, but I no where nearly loved this game as much as I loved Super Mario World. I did not love it as much as Super Mario Bros 3 either. It was somewhere around Mario 2 and 1 for me. However because of how much I loved World.. this felt like a disappointment.. I did not care too much about how impressive 3d was. I wanted a fun game I could play with my Sister, I wanted Yoshi, Especially Stompy.. my Yellow Yoshi (my sister claimed the blue one). Then Banjo came and I expected the same experience.. but I was blown away! This game.. was SOOO much better. I am sorry but it just really is. Mario 64 is a great game.. but Banjo… it’s the near perfect collectathon platformer. It is one of those 10/10 games for me.

The gameplay, the  humor, the synergy and most of all the music. This music style is SO unique! I am not good with backoffice names.. especially when it comes to music.. or voice actors.. I don’t really care who voices a character as long as I like the voice. I love the voice acting in a Hat in Time .. yet I have no idea who did it.. I love the music in Blast Corps.. I have no idea who did it! When it comes to music I know two names. Nobuo Uematsu, who I still refer to as “that Final Fantasy Guy” and that there is Grant Kirkhope. All respect to Uematsu.. but he just makes amazing music.. Grant Kirkhope’s music is so unique and so is …Kirkhope, I’d almost call it a genre.  I can recognise if a song is a Kirkhope and that style feels so catered to the iconic bear and bird. Even if it is used in other games it is as if you can taste that love for this franchise. Whenever I hear a Kirkhope song.. I imagine a Bear and a Bird jamming out to it. There is a love for the characters here.. a LOT of it. After this game .. this type of music and sound design became part of this type of game.. so it simply is just outstanding and I can not pick a favourite. It was the birth of something new.. and I’ll take it as a whole! If I ever would be a VTuber, I would very much would like an Kirkhope style intro! If he’d make one I’d begin streaming the next day!

Thank you for reading trough another of my posts! If you want to support the blog , interact with me in the comments and tell me your favourite N64 song! If you want to support me even more, consider buying me a coffee or becoming a Patreon!

MONKEY!! The Super Mario Bros Movie Review

A long long time ago the earth was ruled by dinosaurs. They were big so not a lot of people went around hassling them. Actually no people went around hassling them because there weren’t any people yet just the first tiny mammals. Basically life was good. Then something happened. A giant meteorite struck the earth. Goodbye Dinosaurs! But what if the Dinosaurs weren’t all destroyed? What if the impact of that meteorite created a parallel dimension where the dinosaurs continued and evolved into intelligent vicious aggressive beings….just like us? And hey what if they found a way back?!

If you haven’t checked my blog title you might wonder. If you haven’t seen this movie or been oblivious to it you might still surprise you that these are the first words uttered in the movie that is called Super Mario Bros. This movie is something I owned on VHS back when I was just a tiny Pinkie.  For those who do not know what VHS is.. back in the pre-internet age movies did not stream on network but were pressed onto disk or even earlier trapped into a cassette with small versions of movie reels contained inside them! It was magical!  Even back then I was surprised. I personally would have never imagined to set a Mario movie in a sci-fi  cyberpunk dystopian alternate dimension ruled by Fungi and Dinosaurs. Director Rocky Morton, his former wife Annabel Jankel and their writing staff  clearly had a bigger imagination than me.. and you know me I am a weirdo!

This is how Mario Starts!

Now I called Dragonball Evolution  one of the most unfaithful movies ever but this one takes the crown. Yet where I really suffered through DBE this one has long since became a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine. I would have placed it in my Pinkie’s Guilty Movie pleasures list, but I decided to review video game movies for the next few Mondays to come and let’s while plenty of them go under that category , I doubt I can say I had pleasure when I get to the Uwe Boll movies. In fact I should spread those around a bit because otherwise I will suffer too much in a row. Anyway after that note to myself, i’ll have to admit I kind of had fun watching the Super Mario Bros movie again. Somewhere in the same vein as I would find it fun to see aliens land on earth or look at Honey Boo Boo or some weird Dutch Bed and Breakfast owner talking about wines. I don’t want to watch it all the times but sometimes it can be fun!

1/10 Moustache Curves the wrong way

So for those who do not know the plot of the super Mario film, here you go. A dinosaur queen traveling dimensions places a capsules in front of a monastery. In this capsule are an egg and a meteorite shard. From this egg hatches Daisy, who twenty years later has become an archaeologist. A mean construction mogul named Scapelli tries to sabotage her dig-site and unknowingly opens the breach between the dinosaur dimensions and ours again. King Koopa has usurped the other dimension by turning their former king into Fungus and their world has falling into disarray, lacking enough resources to continue on. If he can insert the Meteorite piece into his worlds side of the meteor.. both the worlds can merge together and dinosaur can feast and rule over mankind. Daisy being of the true royal line is the only one who can actually insert the meteor without being killed so he needs her as well. So he sends cousin Iggy and Spike ..to capture her as she holds the meteor as well. Daisy and Luigi started to date in the real world.. and when the plumbers use their skill to save daisies dig-site.. she gets captured and Mario and Luigi have to venture into the world of the dinosaurs to save Luigi’s date.

Whose that Archaeologist?

Now you might notice there already are a few differences between this and the source material. First of all it’s Daisy who is front and center in this adventure and not Peach.. who in fact is never mentioned in the movie at all.  Princess Daisy is actually the ruler of Sarasaland not the Mushroom Kingdom.. while the name is not officially coined for the Dinosaur World.. King Koopa (back before he was Bowser)  teasingly refers to it as such. Mario is Luigi’s guardian, while he is clearly of a fatherly age he decided to call Luigi his brother. Luigi is actually the main hero in this one and he actually gets  more than a cake at the end.. though not by much.  Koopa normally isn’t really a dinosaur nor is the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom… but hey!  It’s kind of a fun story, it’s just weird Mario and Luigi are in it.

Is it wrong of me to wonder how Dennis Hopper Bowsette would look like?!

The whole rescue the princess stick is in the movie and that is the main thing a Mario game is about and at least it wasn’t all just a dream, just a stage play nor had little mushroom men been transformed into blocks that Mario then murders to get some coins. It doesn’t make a LOT more sense than the NES Mario games but at least it somewhat follows a classical three act structure. We get two people growing closer, one of those being kidnapped and them two brothers trying to save one guys gal… and discovering the other guys gal is also here. Did you know Mario is into WWF?! Well now you do! It’s like a Mario fever dream. You keep wanting to watch to see what else they turned into what. How this world is so not like Mario and puts mario names on thinks that are clearly NOT that same thing.  Did you know what if you paint your SNES Super Scope Grey it can evolve people! Heh! Monkey! Did you know that Goombas are actually 2,5 meter tall muscled dinosaurs with a super tiny head. I always imagined they were like big heads on just feet! Did you know Toad actually was a Goomba?! Who would have imagined.. they look so differently in 8 bit. 

Goomba.. the Jojo’s Version

It’s kind of like looking at a five year old (or younger) make a drawing for Santa than having you explain what they drew. See this is Mario.. and this is a goomba.. and this is King Koopa and if I give this to santa he knows I’ll want the Mario game. They are about equally recognisable and it totally mesmerised me. It’s like making a Final Fantasy VII movie and recast Red as a Kitsune girl.. and giving Cloud a dagger instead of a sword.. but it can grow to any size he wants. Materia would be food that the evil demon Sephiroth would need to eat to summon an ancient demon to earth trapped in a meteor. It would not be right but it would be fascinating in it’s own right! Still that would be only fun once, at least it should yet this movie I’ve seen a handful of times now and I still find it fun. While they do deviate so massively from the source material, unlike Dragonball Evolution , everything so packed full of character that it kinda works. Yamcha in the western movie for example is just a chad with a drill, while Toad here.. is a once rebellious man that sang songs putting Koopa in a bad daylight, that got devolved into a music loving good guy who just likes to smile and make people happy. Who even plays his harmonica when he is set on fire.

I’m sorry Mario! The faithful costume designer is in another castle!

Koopa has now become a weird sort of germaphobe that loves Pizza and is fascinated yet disgusted by the fact that humans evolved from Monkies. He in fact is so obsessed with evolution that he weaponised it and used it as a key to his rule. He stems from the king of dinosaurs so he feels like he is destined to rule as well.  Nothing of it is like the Koopa/Bowser we know but yet again .. there is still a lot of character there. Even Big Bertha .. who is just a fish that eats a lot , in the games here has been given a character. I’m pretty sure that Miyamoto never imagined her as some Sassy Big Boned Sugar Mamma with a though exterior but big heart.. but thats in this movie.  All characters do at least get loads and loads of flavor. It’s a bunch of cliches mashed up yet at the same time it’s something we do not get nowadays anymore.  Characters Alla 2020 veer away from stereo types, they all get some depth and some realism, yet at the same time that also means they become much more interchangeable. Here every character is so extreme and tacky that said personality on another character in the movie would barely work. It doesn’t become a better movie for it but it certainly becomes more watchable for it and re-watchable even. There are so many visual gags , tiny nods and extreme oddities in the world building that even on my fifth romp I notice new things. Like how Bullet Bill’s are now Pneumatic cartridges for power boots?!

Apparently dinosaurs evolved from fish as well..or fish evolved in dinosaur city I mean.. uhnm… this thing is a mess!

Not just from a writing perspective the movie has its flaws, the acting is also odd. The direction is odd. For example at one point King Koopa goes to the real world with his army of Goombas.. an army of 2,5 meter monsters with guns and flamethrowers.. that actually throw fireballs. Yet he also has devolution guns on his person which he  tries to use on Mario to turn him into a monkey. He then hits the construction Mogul instead. You’d think people would be terrified that a guy with a monster army just killed a man and changed him into a monkey .. but no everyone laughs. Not only the humans whose world is being invaded by their very own eyes but the bad guys as well. They stop their actions to laugh at the monkey and the camera painfully lingers on this.. like it’s some sort of briljant gag. Why ? How?

Holy Macaroni! I wore the wrong colour!

Somewhere in the middle of the movie we suddenly see Dennis Hopper/ Koopa order a Pizza.. out of the blue.. there is a chase scene going on.. big set up.. and we get a 30 second scene where he calls for pizza. It was never established he is hungry or that he thinks so lowly of his opponents that he can coast it.. no at their most dangerous.. he just orders a pizza. The way it is acted is almost as if a stand up comedian is making a joke.. with the punchline being weird pizza toppings people would add in a dinosaur world. It isn’t funny yet there is room in the delivery as if they are waiting for people to clap and laugh at the joke.. it’s so weird.

The comedic duo Iggy and Spike! I loved them together in the games!
Oh! Somehow their expressions matched up quite nice!

Then there is a scene where Luigi played by John Leguizamo , while desperately trying to save the princess, decides to prank Mario, saying he can make some sort of impossible jump but actually he is connected to some sort of hook and crane, which at first seem impossible. Egging Mario on to jump as well.. which leads to Mario jumping to his death.  Only when Mario begins jumping he yells.. no no  it’s a joke but of course by then it’s to late. Why would anyone do that?! I mean of course it’s a joke about the brothers amazing jumping ability but they use power boots for that already. so even from a homage stand this made zero sense. He tricks his brother to jump to his death with a smile on his face and Immediately is snapped out of his trauma of seeing his brother fall to his death when Princess Daisy’s father becomes a membrane trampoline that saves Mario… grabbing him in split seconds.  These characters are so incohesive and the acting also reflects that.. this is a sloppily written and acted out garbled mass of events to enter some comedy or drama at random times.

Is it weird that I really wanted to see Bob Hoskins ride Yoshi?!

Yet in a way that is also the saving grace of this movie. You never know exactly what’s going to happen because it’s all so stupid and random. A bomb-omb suddenly obtains the power to break physics, characters suddenly fade out of existence, rules of the world do not always work the same. Throughout the entire movie.. even four or five views in I still have that “what the f is going on” vibe going..Which would be a good tagline for this movie?! Super Mario Bros. The movie  “What the F is going on?” Like a caleidoscope it feels random but it keeps me fascinated even if there isn’t that much to it. Empty and broken yet at the same time colourful and trippy.

10/10 Best Actor in the Movie!

Dennis Hopper doesn’t portray a great Koopa, but he certainly plays a memorable one! Monkey! Is still one of the things he will be remembered for. Bob Hoskins is an odd Mario ..who lacks that Santa Claus vibe, the original Mario has.. and replaces it with Brooklyn brash. Yet when we hear the name we do remember him as Mario still. John Leguizamo , mostly in his early years like this, main trait in acting is… “well I guess they chose him for this part.. how odd” and i’ll probably forget he was Luigi again..but that means I can watch this movie in the future and be right “that’s right.. that guy was Luigi! Such an odd choice” From costume design to actors, to story to screen structure and even in music.. this flick makes almost zero logical choices considering the material.. For example let me put the music choice that is present through most of the movie! The music theme they choose to represent the Mario Bros and use trough most chase scenes! Which is most of the movie… you expect some iconic movie.. you get :

We get one of the weirdest , most 90’s action comedies based on a great IP that is to this day still a mystery to me. Not a single element is great.. most of them aren’t even good.  Yet when combined they do give me a great time when watching it. It might not be for the right reasons it might not last long but a movie length of giggling face palms and me ooh’s and huh’s are definitely not the worst way I spend my time. In that way I do think this movie is kind of underrated. Yes if you break it down this movie offers next to nothing.. only a good time if you can turn of your brain for a bit .. or just let it race….. and isn’t that the most important thing a movie should offer us?! A fun runtime?! Would I watch it again?! Give me a few months  and I would say Let’sa Go!

Score:

Next week we will probably end up with a more faithful movie adaptation! A simple Zombie Shooting Game, should be easy enough to adapt to the big screen right?! Join me next week as I watch Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead! That seems like an easy job to make cool right?!

A BIT of Nostalgia: Super Mario Bros. 2

Now that I have cast the TALDIG aside and no longer try to teach people bad history trough mediocre video games, instead I will play some retro games I REALLY want to play. We start with one of the few main line mario games that I never finished. Today I take a look at Super Mario Bros. 2

Doki Doki We Know This

Now I assume most people know this but we need to go over this so you know what I am actually reviewing.  I played and completed the western Super Mario Bros 2.  The game that Japan knows as Super Mario U.S.A. Should there be someone out here reading who doesn’t know.  When Nintendo released their Super Mario 2, people thought it would be to difficult for your standard Western audience.. and having played it myself.. I can agree to a point. This would have polarised the american and european players. In order to still release a new Mario a game called Doki Doki Panic was given a bit of a Mario overhaul.  The original game had you pick from a quartet of arabian/middle eastern looking characters, which explains why you see so much desert levels and fly on a carpet so much.

It is also why this game does not feel like a Mario game. The mechanics in this game have never really been used after that anymore. You could attack by throwing vegetables  or throwing enemies after jumping onto them and picking them up. So one can make an argument that this is NOT a Mario game. However this game gave us so much of the super mario culture we know today. Shy-Guys, Pokey’s  and even Bob-ombs would not have existed without this game. Well .. at least not as Mario enemies and some of it’s most iconic music would also be missing. Most importantly.. without it most likely we would not have the Super Mario Brother Super Show.

It’s a me… kinda!

So for the first time I played the game and moved past the third world.Which was  where I left before. This game can be fairly difficult and cryptic at times. At least for younger gamers. Where Chibi-Pinkie  believed in being an absolute murder hobo when it comes to enemies Super Mario Bros. 2  requires you to use certain enemies as platforms or ride projectiles. There even are some minor puzzle elements on how to use bombs to blow up certain obstacles, factoring in distance you have to cross. It’s nothing special but it’s very different. Much like how Zelda 2 veered very much from its original as well. While Mario Bros and all subsequent games are pure sang platformers, this one is more of a puzzle platformer. One that is fairly stingy with its resources.

As a result this game is fairly, but never overly, challenging. The problem some puzzles are trial and error and on rare occasions this can softlock you into losing a life. This would not be that much of an issue if lifes were made more available. Super Mario 3 did that very well. Handing you 1-up mushrooms in the more trial and error like stages. This is a bit more relentless. I recommend playing the GBA version as it has a save function. I think the Super Mario All Stars one has one to,  but that is definitely welcome. You have two continues but given that most 1-ups are hidden behind RNG that still is harsh. There is nothing fun, nor was there ever about hitting a game over simply because you did not have enough lives to “learn” the game, being forced to start over. Luckily trough emulation.. and mini consoles we now have acces to save states which can help you deal with this gripe.. or you just play the superior ports.


Now don’t get me wrong this IS still a fun game to play but over time it has gotten some vastly superior versions.  Since the NES version is just a sprite swap in most senses of the word, it feels more “floaty” than other Mario games, Controls do not feel as tight. The Luigi Jump and Peach abilities do contribute to that.. and of course since she is pink I cleared the entire game with Peach. I have no trouble landing on a single block in any mario game, yet in this one I could rarely pull it off. As if there is a landing delay, which feels very un-mario. That being said the stages are mostly very well designed around this control scheme so it never killed the joy for me. Just in the core you can sense you are playing Doki Doki Panic.

It’s a Me REALLY!

Everything actually Mario, everything rebranded everything first party however feels great. The game oozes personality and much more than Mario Bros. feels part of the mario world. By now Mario had more personality he dons his actual red and blue colours rather than that brown jumpsuit. Peach, Luigi and Toad are actual characters here. I love the music and tossing an Ostrich is legitimately quite funny. I loved whenever I could do that and just waste my time respawning them and trying to kill as much things with a single ostrich thing as I can. I am even considering playing the GBA version to hunt for the red coins .. because I heard it could unlock Yoshi which seems like a fun addition. Also I really want to do a toad only run!

The reason for that would be the games ending, this game is infamous for being only in Mario’s dream.So I would really love for him to have a dream about Toad Pickup up ostriches going around beating up  pink transgender dinosaurs and beating the evil king to save a group of magical bees or something. This game introduced Birdo one of the first Transgender video game characters ever and we beat her up a lot during this game.

The game has seven worlds each with three levels. The first two levels of a world almost always face you off against Birdo in the end.  Even in some final levels she can sometimes be there as a mid boss.. or as a  means to use her eggs as platforms towards a new part of the stage. Still I wonder what would cause Mario to dream about a mushroom kid beating up the transgender Birdo and take down an evil toad (as in frog ..not mushroom.. confusingly enough)  to save some magical bees. But hey its my head canon now which is awesome so thank you Mario 2.
<Disclaimer.. I do not approve of violence against Transgender in any shape way or form, nor do I ship Toad X Mario.. I just really enjoy the fever dream fantasy. scenario.. thank you>

My least favorite Mario

While this is in fact my least favorite mainline Mario that is rather a testament to how incredible the series is rather than a strike against this game. The first half of this game is truely amazing and just a joy to play.  A bit like Mario Sunshine the second half can get a bit “stale” where the difficulty picks up to something that feels more tedious than challenging.  Each door for example is a checkpoints, some later levels just challenge you by having doors further apart  or let you collect an item on the far left which you then have to bring back to the far right. Instead of jumping to the next platform we have to use mushrooms to build our own way.  Which could be nice but across game over and continues and regular loss of life stacking the thing over and over again can feel more like labour than a challenge.

Again like Mario Sunshine (which is my second least favorite Mario by the way) that however gives  this game it’s uniqueness. I was much more inspired to try hard in this game than for example in Mario 1 or 3 where repeating stages feels less cumbersome. Where in Mario 1 I could turn of the game and say.. i’ll try again later this was the game I was really determined to beat. I wanted to conquer it and see all the worlds. Mario 2 is much more diverse compared to its predecessor at well, though there is some looping stuff after the fourth world. Out of the seven worlds only world six I sorta disliked while in Mario 3 there are two worlds I sorta dislike. So all in all this had a strong line up of levels and ‘puzzels’. It’s not bad yet overshadowed by greatness.

Strange Roots

This game is often called the black sheep in the Mario Line up and I do not think that is completely true. It’s more that annoying sheep that doesn’t really stay with the heard.. the one that always wanders aff and is the most mischievous doing some pretty weird things for a sheep. Yet for that very own reason you do always remember that sheep and tell your wife in bed about what that sheep did today. It’s a loveable odd piece of gaming memorabilia that has just so many good stories. For example the Koopa Shells in this game used to be Black-Faces you can toss as a power up. Controversy around those arose which may have led to the idea to make that particular game Mario. It already needed new sprites for the Western world anyway?! Could that be what made it ideal choice to be the new Mario? The other game was too .. controversial anyway.

Where would Mario be now without the Shy Guys and Pokeys, what if those masks  never inspired the sun in Super Mario 3. Without this game Pink would have never been able to hover with her dress and Luigi would not jump higher and floatier than Mario. Which proves just how powerful games can be. Mario Mario would not be the man he is today without this game.Luigi Mario might never have differentiate from his brother without this game and the mushroom kingdom these days is hard to imagine without bob-ombs or shy guys. I still hope that Wart makes his return to the realm one day as well because honestly he fits in quite nicely… not the bees though.. not the bees. We later got better bees , mostly in Super Mario Galaxy.

Like I mentioned this game heavily inspired the super mario cartoon which I hold fond memories of because of how campy it was..just a guilty pleasure and in a way this game is very much like that show. We all can tell it doesn’t feel exactly like Mario.. but still it is such a part of it’s history that we just can’t help but love it. I mean mario’s canonical voice comes from a mini game collection featuring go fish so why not embrace this part to the fullest as well. Yes it’s the least good part  of the series, but people treat it like that is a bad thing… yet there is always a worst part.

If there would be one Mario game.. that would also be the worst game. It doesn’t say anything. Well maybe one thing? If you actually enjoy this Mario, there is so much more out there for you to enjoy. I had a great time with this game. Frustrating sure.. I said some very unpink words.. but so did I when I played Shovel Knight or The Messenger (great games btw). This is not the game you play because you want to play a Mario game… this is a game you play because you love Mario and that is A-okay!


Top 5: NES Tunes

Welcome back my dear island guests. Today I am exploring Movie Park Germany in the real world looking for some of the remaining halloween spooks. The visit is a surprise gift for my birthday next week though so I had little time to make a sunday blog. That was when I figured….my paradise could use some music.  What better way to start then the console I grew up with. The NES. Everything is allowed Main theme, stage themes and boss themes. I will however only use only one entry per franchise and only use their original version. So unfortunately no Excitebike remix from Mario Kart 8..but that is an honourable mention. Additionally , this is not the list of most catchy themes since that would result in just naming the classic main themes.  It’s a list of memorable and engaging songs of my first owned console.

Tune Number 5:
Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest – Bloody Tears

What a terrible night to have a curse , these words linger through everyone’s  head who played this game. Incredibly cryptic and even broken in terms of ending and Dialogue , Castlevania II : Simon’s Quest is a game of debatable quality.  However those who who love or hate this game alike all are in agreement. Bloody Tears is a brilliant song. While many consider Vampire Killer to be the superior track, I would have to give the title to the doozy in this sequel. There is more build up to it more, more structure. The track feels more leveled and captures the gothic feeling of the series just a bit better.  While Vampire Killer stands for Simon Belmont, Bloody Tears to me stands for Dracula. Since, Castlevania is more about Dracula then it is about Simon to me I always found this one to be the more fitting one to represent the amazing franchise.

Tune Number 4 :
Silver Surfer – Stage 2

Now this is a weird one, the game itself is not a very good game, the angry video game nerd even deemed it a bad game. However I would not go that far… as long as you have a turbo controller.  The game is insanely hard even ridiculously, I managed to finish about three stages but I was never able to finish the entire game because the trick is to finish this game on a single life.. to keep your shooty  upgrades. Dying once.. and dying means hitting a single thing, means losing it all which makes somse stages virtually impossible. Meanwhile everything wants to kill you.. Touhou before Touhou. However what was excellent about this game was it’s sound design.  The soundtrack of the entire game was worth a listen but this one has that particular earworm vibe. Check out the game if you like a challenge and check the soundtrack if you are into 8-bit master pieces.
The box-art was pretty amazing too!

Tune Number 3:
Super Mario 2 – Overworld

While I vastly preferred the original Super  Mario over the second one gameplay wise that overworld theme of the second game is just soooo good. It’s quirk and fun and it has this level of ‘swing’  where you can tap your foot on the beat when your playing or swing your hand while snapping your finger when you are just listening. It might lack the iconic  level of the first one, but this one sweeps me away and I often linger in the first stage just to catch some more of tune. The way the sounds interacted with the theme, from when your climbing on a vine to opening up a door, it all seemed to harmonise together so greatly. A symphony of gameplay and soundtrack. Now I have to admit that I might favor the rendition of Doki Doki Panic (the game Super Mario 2 is a reskin for the western world off)  a bit better. It feels more tranquil less hard, due to the lack of one additional sound channel the NES had compared to the famicom. Adding in the sound of my jumps and climbing though the victory still goes to the NES. Even the way the stage progresses to the boss theme, where we fight the first Transgender character in video gaming ever… in the form of Birdo seems well done. This song blends with everything.

Tune Number 2:
Mega Man 2 – Dr Wily Stage 1/2

Albert Wily is a briljant but dangerous man and the antagonist of Mega Man since the earliest consoles. In the second adventure the first two stages of his castle got a simply briljant theme. I listen to this soooo much  be it in a remix or just the classic. Mega Man 2 was one of the first games I played and got good at. Being a bit of lonely kid as I walked funny and did things weirdly I spend a lot of time with my games and Mega Man was one of my top three games. I honed my craft and one by one.. over the terms months if not even years I got closer each time to defeat more Robot Masters. The first time I reached Wily’s castle I went a little queasy at how awesome this music was. I was overwhelmed and it made me feel really badass for reaching it. The music in itself was a reward and it highlighted perfectly how far your journey had gone.. how good you must have gotten to make it this far, how badass Megaman was by now. Even to this day I feel there is this “anime’ quality to it, I could easily see it being used as an opening for some kind of cyber-punky shounen show. It feels like more than just an 8 bit track. It has some amazing remixes out there as well so be sure to check those out! They are definitely worth your time. The box-art of the megaman games is notoriously bad though.

Tune Number 1:
Ducktales – The Moon

In 2017 the new ducktales animated show began to air, in which Huey Dewey and Louie move in with their uncle Scrooge. At the end of season 1 I cried.. like a baby.  We simply got a pan-shot to the moon that played a remix of this song after which a big reveal was made. The tune made it’s return in the second season.. and I cried even harder. It was beautiful.
A few years earlier, a remake of Ducktales the NES game came out on steam, I bought it and when I reached the moon stage..I cried, I had to pause my game to cry away my joy. The Ducktales game was based on the Disney afternoon show in my youth, my favorite tv show and favorite video game .. quite possibly ever even inching ahead of Pokémon.  Ducktales made me a gamer, Ducktales made me feel good about myself for the first time.

Even if it was just a video game, there were obstacles I could overcome. The theme from the moon is universally beloved and just so incredibly good that I could never forget it.  If I had to tell you how nostalgia would sound I would hum this tune. While I claim Pink Fluffy Unicorns is my anthem and signifies my mindset , The Moon represents my journey through life. Or me as a gamer. This to me is not just the best NES track ever, it’s one of the if not THE best  (game) songs ever. Whenever I feel sad about my life, I listen to this song and I am that little girl again who can enjoy herself with a cookie and this gem of a game. One day I hope to get a copy of the game again. Just as a keepsake. I would build a little display for it like the moon, and see if I got some techno friends that make the display play the moon theme. That’s how good this one is.

Mario Kart Tour

Welcome dear guests. For those who follow me on Twitter, I haven’t been exactly keeping it a secret that I really enjoy my time with Mario Kart Tour. Reactions from across the web however have been less than stellar. Since I write about everything geeky now, let’s take a closer look at whats up.

Gacha-Kart

Mario Kart Tour like most mobile in this day and age is a Gacha game, meaning we can spend premium currency to get characters, karts and gliders. This premium currency can be earned but also purchased and characters karts and gliders come in three rarity grades. (Silver, gold and sparkly Pink)  So far it’s like every Gacha game ever, but pinker, not doing anything special. However Mario Kart Tour also has a subscription plan, allowing you for more and better ‘quest ‘ rewards. For the nominal fee of about €5+change a month you can gain extra gems ,extra stars and even get offered some free high(er) tier karts or characters if you perform well enough. I signed up for this deal because of the amount of time I already spend with the game , completely justifying it for me. I’ll recognise the game without the description would be a bit barebones but I will not mark it down for it. Over time we have developed the idea that games SHOULD be free to play and even free to finish but I very much disagree. If someone makes something I enjoy I want to reward them for it.. and Mario Kart Tour is no exception. What I get for those 5 and a bit euro’s  is well worth it. 

People tend to demonise these practices, calling everything a company does greedy, but in reality, servers have to run and they have to keep a constant staff on these sort of games so it’s also understandable.  The Internet also say Nintendo is greedy for not throwing buckets of free gems their way as any new game “SHOULD” but again this is a skewed perception. Companies hand out free gems to promote their games, to get you to play them,it makes sense they try that with freebies, realistically speaking this is Mario Kart.. an established name, by an established company, they do not buy your love. They kinda already have it, and there is nothing to criminal in them knowing it already. I’ll admit it isn’t ‘nice’ of them.. but it doesn’t make them greedy either. They know the value of their IP and simply aren’t your pal, they aren’t demons for not being your friend though. That is basically how I feel on the entire Gatcha aspect of it.

High Score-Kart

Mario Kart Tour is different then it’s older brothers.  Every two weeks, we as the player get a New Tour, which rotates us through a dozen or so cups of three races and a special challenge. It is up to you , not only to win the races but also to set a high score. Scores will unlock Power Stars, and gathering enough Power Stars will open gift boxes and new cups.  Each stage has a number of favoured racers karts and gliders that allow you to get more items, combo time or flat-out more points. The higher the quality of the items the better the chance of you getting good items or ‘Frenzy’. Each track two to four racers get three items per item box, get 3 of a kind and you can use that item infinitely for a brief period of time, really sending your high scores through the roof. The internet rightfully so, complains about how races oftenly are more about having the right character but once more this is used to make Nintendo seem greedy and evil, but does it really? Having played through the first two tours I would have to say no.  My subscription allowed me to gain enough rewards to completely max out every single cup , only missing out on some of the final gift boxes, which I basically just do not want to grind out but could trough daily challenges. While I can’t always max out a cup or race from the very start, as the weeks progress I gain the resources to do so in a leisurely pace. I might have had incredible luck, but in fact I missed out on almost every single one of the most rare units, except for New York Mario. Except for the time trials everything feels very forgiving and over the course of the weeks you get better and better and update. I found it really enjoyable to tweak my high scores, especially of the ranked cups and it was a blast. Each item I managed to buy that helps me felt like sweet rewards and kept me playing. It feels deliciously retro to go for that sweet sweet high score again. 

Part-Time Kart

Something that gets the most flack on the internet is Nintendo’s choice to limit the resources you can gether per day. You can only grind out 300 coins per day and the experience to level up your characters karts and gliders is also capped. This does not include any rewards from ‘quests’  or from spending premium currency to do a coin event. I can only say that I might be the only person in the world that LOVES this choice Nintendo made. Leveling up drivers makes them worth more points, coins can give you new drivers, karts and gliders. By keeping a cap on these, the playing field in the competitive cup is equalised. We don’t need to spend energy and race to our hearts content.. but we are blocked from infinitely grinding. I can work on my highscores as much as I want but no one is allowed to spend every waking hour to grind out every character to destroy my high scores, we are all subjected to the same amount of luck. It allows me to pick up my phone when I want. Dailies are REALLY easy and as each tour unlocks more and more over the course of two weeks never do you HAVE to play more than like half an hour , maybe an hour if you  have trouble. I love how you can compete casually. THIS is what I want in a mobile game!

Slippery Kart

The technical aspects I left to the end, It’s mario kart, you know it’s not going to be bad. Very befitting of  a highscore game, Mario Kart Tour is easy to learn difficult to master. The game offers a wide variation of control methods and safety nets so that everyone can play to their hearts contents.  You can use gyro-controls or not, you can simply steer the kart by swiping your finger or turn on manual drift which makes it so that you can fully control how much drifting you get done. Steering aid will prevent you from moving into sandpits but make it a lot harder to sacrifice speed for that hidden shortcut, it is up to you to figure out what works best for you. I must admit I wished I grasped the concept on how to manual drift better.. but hey I haven’t needed it until the Paris tour , now I end up slipping everywhere.. because I can’t grasp the concept just yet. Youtube might provide  an answer for me in the near future though. I always have other options though. The manual drift could have been handled better but otherwise I do think it’s Mario Kart trough and trough. However I do have my gripes with the game as well. Each tour has about 8 or 10 stages, we alternate between given that we visit about 40 or so stages that means a lot of repeats. Cleverly hazards have been altered and sometimes the track is mirrored, but not all tracks are long enough for it to be noticable and can feel kinda stale on their third and fourth roulation. Some elements can feel tacked on in the final quarter of the cups. Characters no longer have their own drive feeling, everyone’s  the same, Bowser handles exactly like Toad. they just affect your score. Luckily they sometimes can have semi-unique weapons available to them and unluckily they shout out their catchphrases aplenty. All in all I wish there was a bit more ‘soul’ and control, but technically I can’t expect much more than I got for this type of game.

Flavour Kart

While all the negatives that are said about this game are true, that doesn’t apply to the conclusion people make about this game. Yes there are plenty of grinding caps, yes you are restricted by luck and yes Nintendo is very stingy with free stuff.  The luck requirement is basically prevalent in the entire Gatcha genre. Don’t compare it to the console or mobile Mario Kart titles, that would be unfair. You pay to play those, it’s just not the same thing. Compare it to Dragonball Z Dokkan Battle or Fate Grand Order and you’ll get a much more fair comparison. Gameplay in a Gatcha is a secondary element. Mario Kart was never a hardcore game, casuals being much more a demographic and Nintendo acknowledges that with these caps. While it might not be fun .. if you want to grind out everything in a single day the strategy makes it excellent to just pick up AND put down.  For the price of a regular Mario Kart game I can play this one for at least 10 month’s with new tours arrivery every two weeks and unlocking most of what the game can offer me and that is perfectly fine.
It’s not the best Mario Kart game, nor is it the best mobile game I ever played but it is a perfectly playable game that people just love to turn into something evil. It’s not guys .. it’s really not. It’s quite OKiwi.