Movie – Pinkie's Paradise

An Aquatic Adventure that does not make a Splash: Aquaman

Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie has returned with another movie post.

Salutations my loyal subjects and sweet Island Guests. There is this age old question when it comes down to the comics. Marvel or DC. I myself always find myself a bit torn between them, which is great actually as they suit different moods. In marvel I mostly read the lighter stuff like Gwenpool and some Spiderman. In the DC universe I am usually drawn to the big stories and the narratives where everyone ends up dying. Yet when it comes to the movies, I am never in conflict. The DC movies can not hold a candle against the Marvel ones. The water based one.. is not all that different.

Rough Waters

Aquaman was released to the silver screen in 2018 and was directed by James Wan. With a 6.9 score on IMDB and a Metacritic fan score, this is one of the better received DC movies. It sees Jason Momoa return after Justice League to play the titular character. Supported by Amber Heard, William Dafoe, Nicole Kidman and Patrick Wilson. Critics rated the movies with about a 5.5 out of 10 and this time I am very much on board with the critics and less so with the audience, because while this movie does provide a lot of entertainment, there is also a heck of a lot about this movie that grinded my gears. As a Princess my gears should never be grinded!

I have a chemical dislike for Amber Heard, that even predates the whole Johnny Depp debacle. Ever since I saw her in Drive Angry… I just felt that this would be a person I dislike with all my heart. This happened only twice in my life before. Once to a classmate.. whom we shall call Archibald and once with a dutch celebrity that I could just not stomach. I knew Archibald was a good guy, he had humor and was witty…but somehow everything in my body told me to dislike him. I knew better and I managed to not be hateful to him.. but I would never be able to go past that. Amber Heard invokes the same reactions. There is just this thing.. the way she looks out of her eyes, for some weird way the way she “carries” herself.. makes me genuinely dislike her for no reason at all.. it is just my entire body and brain telling me to dislike her. I won’t judge the movie for having Amber Heard in it to hard.. but I thought it would at least be honest of me to tell.

The biggest issue however is not Amber Heard, it’s James Wan’s direction. This movie at least to me seems to lack a style. The best way to compare this is by saying it felt like as if I was watching Thor Dark World and Thor Ragnerok spliced together. That doesn’t match. The DC cinematic universe so far has been fairly raw and gritty and this is more like.. an actual comic book movie…at times. It is a style that is a lot more entertaining, but it feels really shoehorned in at some places. Jokes are used at very strange times and feel like the script said “insert joke here” rather than it being an actually funny joke. As a result of the clashing tones and some hollywood shenanigans I never got sucked into this movie. It felt like I was reading a comic. A comic in a style I would normally rather read marvel for.

Angler Fish

The movie is visually very pleasing. The set locations are fantastic and very imaginative, and to be fair the comics of Aquaman are a lot more whimsical as Jason Momoa’s first portrayal and this movie kind of fixes that. The adventure Aquaman goes on feels like a typical and classic D&D style adventure and has plenty of fun “side quests” so once again , as an entertainment product .. this isn’t so bad. It offers a fun little romp with fun characters and in some cases unique ways of fighting. There are some stunning visuals and some creative designs that feel more comic book loyal than anything else we have seen from DC (and in most cases Marvel) so far. So there is plenty of fun to be had with this movie… but I would like to compare it to you having a cool lego build set.. like a Lego Death Star, or maybe one of those pyramids filled with traps. Now you build it together with a kid… and while the build is fun.. at the end you can REALLY tell a kid helped you.. you used all the blocks but you can tell things are JUST a bit off.

Take Atlantis for example. This plays a major part in the movie and the visuals we get of it are stunning…but they are all empty. Nothing we see is ever used except for a Turret. We see technology like Manta Ray elevators or highly advanced tunnels.. but it doesn’t do anything. It just sits there for characters to travel through and after we seen a trip going forward and a trip escaping we never see the visuals again. After that Atlantis is shown from an interior perspective only. A shot from outside the castle could have done wonders. Take Asgard for example.. that is used rather well. The Bifrost is in use, we see shots of Odin’s castle and we get some sense of purpose in the city…still not great but already better than this. Black Panther is the best example. Every visual they use.. had purpose. The iconography, the buildings had purpose, the palace was shown both inside and out it never felt as set dressing. Aquaman does a lot just to look pretty.

Take for example the ring of fire. Aquaman meets his evil brother inside a glowing tile/small arena like ring then that room is just used to swim up into the real arena. Which is a big chasm with magma at the bottom. The magma is used for a bit in combat, as one would think would be the case in a Ring of Fire.. but once Orm (the bad guy) stops centimeters away from it and swims up again.. it is not used again.. we then get a trident duel, which then seems to have been the point always?! First of all.. if hanging a centimeter above magma doesn’t hurt you then why would Magma itself hurt you .. but okay comic book logic, but why would Aquaman abandon the fighting style that resulted him in almost winning two times and revert to fighting something he is disadvantaged in. Now they battle on some statue or ruins or such… a new visual but this ruin style is never used again or is seen back in the design of current Atlantis!

To me the visuals constantly feel like I am being baited into believing this movie is more epic than it really is. At one point Amber Heard’s character Mera and Aquaman go to the realm of the desert Atlanteans. People who sunk into the sand rather than the water. Aquaman falls into a hole and gets to go down one of those classic slides into an underground lair. They nearly fall into an impressive chasm but Arthur (Aquaman’s people name) rescues Mera in the nick of time. Before that they were stuck in the desert with no water and no supplies because Mera randomly jumped out of a plane…which is cool and all.. but if you are stuck in the desert with no water, then fall several dozens of meters or easily a hundred feet underground through a slip and slide… how do they do they get back up.. how do they overcome this impressive visual spectacle?! By a camera cut of course.. Once they concluded their business we just cut away and moved to them arriving at the next.. stunning location.

Release the Kraken

Aquaman’s journey takes a herculean style narrative, where in order to become the king of Atlantis he has to overcome a certain amount of trials. Even when he doesn’t want to be king yet the story feels quit segmented, which is both a good and a bad thing. It really makes this movie super easy to follow and it gives these classic treasure hunter vibes. In many ways this movie is structured more like an Indiana Jones movie than a comic book movie and that means it does stand out from it’s peers. Yet it also makes the movie feel really “blocky”with soooo many enemies. It kind of gets a bit of a Power Ranger feeling.

The first enemy is some random pirates, who are easily defeated.. but Arthur shows he is not worthy to be king yet by condemning a villian to his death. Then he is defeated by the big villain showing the man exactly how not ready he is. Next block he is out traveling with a girl whom he does not seem very compatible with.. she is quite the Tsundere but slowly begins to warm up to him, next block pits him against the pirate whose dad he let die earlier, having to face the consequences of his actions, before being faced with a bunch of mercenaries, then a bunch of feral people who just want to eat him and he has to show humility by just running away. Next he has to face a creature that can only be defeated by showing it how much he has grown on this journey before coming face to face with his brother showing he now has the whole package and doing a role reversal with his brother. It all gels together..but it kinda feels a bit “build a bear” ish. Sure you made a movie..but did you really write a story?

I never saw this movie before and right after the desert scene I began to predict scene after scene after scene. Not just scenes but entire strings of dialogue. Not to the letter but the gist of it. “So this is where we see that character” .. the Dark Kraken like creature asks him why he is worthy he will say “I am not” and that’s why the Kraken thing says he is. The final battle will end in him sparing a villain because of how the earlier scenes have set this up. It all is done very well.. but it is also done very unimaginatively. I know there are plenty of people who do not mind but I really hate it when I have seen a movie even I haven’t actually seen it before. On the one hand the movie is kinda good… but it feels as if someone opened a stock script and added a lot of water to it.

The Final battle doesn’t make a lot of sense either, it once again is very stunning visually but King Orm wants to fight some Volcano based crustation creatures because if he defeats them he can be called “Ocean Master” as he has command of all the armies of the sea.. and their leader gives him his army.. but refuses to follow the man himself.. so they end up fighting anyway?! Also one race of more fish like creatures also had their king slain by Orm and now they blindly follow him in battle in the fear of being destroyed themselves otherwise.. but apparently their army is so strong they are needed to defeat the crustaceans..so why would they not betray Orm their and side with the “Scorched” against this tyrant.. if he needs that army to win, he would certainly lose if it turns against him. Also Aquaman just has the Kraken thing living on the other side of the world erupt out of the ground with him on it and now also commanding those evil fish things because he has a spear that makes him the official ruler of the sea. He sits on top of the multiple story high creature yet the entire atlantean army fails to notice he has the spear. Maybe he is too far away.. but they mass attack the Kraken thing.. so it just doesn’t feel right to me.

This also applies to the final showdown between Aquaman and Orm, Orm is a strategist, everything he did , he did from a strategic angle, why would he now forsake that and fight against Aquaman at a clear disadvantage… the answer of course is that Aquaman can use a technique that looks very visually spectacular to win the fight. This is throughout EVERYTHING a movie that relies on it’s visual spectacle, where the narrative, the dialogue and even character motivations bend to enable spectacle. The Pirate who becomes black Mantha knows NOTHING of Atlanten technology yet he completely manages to customise plasma rifle into a big ass helmet that has eye beams. His revenge against Aquaman is very personal yet he decides to use an alter-ego name to do it. Aquaman in the end learns a technique he never could do.. just because it looks cool and I don’t really like that.. this movie has the right elements.. but it got it’s priorities wrong.

Was I entertained? Yes! Did I watch my clock a lot during the 2,5 hours this movie lasted? Enough to know I am not fully sucked in, I did not feel the need to turn it off though.. it’s kinda like staring at a superficially hot girl with no personality. Do I think you should see the movie if you haven’t?! Yes…but not because it’s a good movie but because the fights have this anime quality to it and to be honest it just looks really cool. For something about oceans.. this movie is very shallow! But if you just want to find something cool.. shallow will be enough! Tricky! What did you think of this movie?! Let me know … or not.. but no matter what you do! Stay random!

Pretty Princess Pinkie – The Phantom of the Face Off Superhero Movie- Darkman

Hear ye Hear ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new movie post!

Greetings my loyal guests and subjects! If you are a bit like me you will have watched Taken and thought “That is a pretty good action movie with Liam Neeson….. but that whole daughter being captured is kinda cliché.. it would be so much better if he threw a temper tantrum over a pink plushie!” If you are not like me, there is a chance this movie might have flown under your radar! So no matter if we are different OR alike, today we will take a look at Darkman!

Behind the mask

Darkman is a superhero movie that was released on the silver screen in august of 1990, it starred Liam Neeson as Dr Peyton Westlake, who would later take up the moniker of Darkman. The movie is directed by Sam Rami, and is co-starred by Frances McDormand, a name people might recognise despite her kind of lacking any iconic roles. A quick IMDB search gave me no real “iconic roles” but she has played in Fargo, Burn After Reading and did a lot of voice works such as the Mamma Dinosaur in The good Dinosaur. The Antagonist of the movie, and it’s sequel is played by Larry Drake… who is best known for Darkman and Darkman II, but also was the voice of Pops in Johnny Bravo! See there you go!

The movie scores a respectable 6,4 on IMDB, which I think is a really good score for a 1990’s Sam Raimi directed superhero movie (and yes it has a Bruce Campbell cameo). While Liam Neeson played the role of the titular character in the first movie, the character was played by Arnold Vosloo in the sequel, which would not be a big objection this time around since the movie is about switching faces… but for some weird reason in the sequel they replace Liam Neeson as if he was Vosloo all along. If nothing else this movie ins an interesting peek into Neesons earlier days of acting, which was .. a bit different, and with the early 90’s direction AND Raimi at the helm.. we see Neeson’s version of “Bully Maguire” or Symbiote Suit Spiderman from the Raimi trilogy… just done a lot earlier… and this time involving a pink elephant and let me tell you it is great.

Julie Hasting (played by McDormand) is ..I think… in real estate, or a real estate lawyer When she discovers a big player on the real estate market is doing some illegal things trough a document, a crimelord by the name of Robert G Durant begins looking for these papers, for he is in the real estate market as well and with this document he can put pressure on his competitors and own the city! By mistake or plot convenience this document ends up in the possesion of Dr Peyton Westlake, boyfriend of Hastings and the man who one day wishes to be her husband. He is researching a synthetic skin solution that can be printed into any face based on a few photos. However the chemical compound of his masks degrades by exposure to light! The masks are fine…in the dark but can survive about 100 minutes when exposed to light. Durant finds Peyton and kills his lab assistant, electrocutes Peyton so hard his hands char up completely then traps him in an explosion ruining his face.. in a very similar style as to how Harvey Dent lost half of his face in The Dark Knight.

With many burns over his body Westlake can no longer face the woman he has proposed to.. he lost his scientific work and his assistant, he lost his hands.. he lost everything, so now he swears revenge…which is amplified because the hospital severed all his nerves. Peyton no longer has any input of pain in his senses.. which causes everything else, including his emotions to overload! Drapped in bandages , a raincoat and a wide rimmed had.. he plans revenge.. rebuilding this face printing lab in an abandoned factory.. and using these masks to take revenge on those who wronged him… unknowing it will cause his old love Julie to become tied up in this once again.

Face Flourish* …..Off!*

So in this movie we get Liam Neeson with enhanced emotions, and all sorts of B-Grade actors having to play Liam Neeson playing them, but Liam Neeson with Soap Opera emotions! This concept is amazing… When you watch Face-Off it’s great to see two of the most over acting Hollywood stars, playing the other playing them..in all their overacting glory. This movie.. let’s a handful of Hollywood Redshirts, play Liam Neeson.. who is forced to over act. Which is great because we know him as someone who is very stoic and composed. This is mixed with a very strong Phantom of the Opera Influence throughout and supplemented by the camp that is 90’s superhero movies!…And it’s directed by Sam Raimi! How can this NOT be good! This concept is just so amazing! What makes it even better is that a lot of the technology that is used in this movie, kind of, is relevant in this day and age. Sure we don’t have skin that dissolves in the light.. but the whole 3d printing and phone apps that can extrapolate a lot of data on your face make this movie all the more delightful to watch.

In this movie Liam Neeson infiltrates the Crime Network of Durant by making himself look like the henchman and of course like the head honcho himself. Now this already is a very fun criminal organisation, with your classical bald bruiser type guy, the sunglasses wearing cool dude with long hair, and the scruffy looking guy with an artificial leg that can be detached and used as a weapon! We have seen machine gun legs in a few movies.. but the way how this movie handles it is the GREATEST weaponised limb I have seen in movies. What’s different?! Well normally we see the owner of the weaponised limp use it… but not this time the cool guy just yanks the limp from the other guy and uses it.. or the scruffy guy hands it over to him.. but than just stands there.. hopping on one leg… that’s ALL he does! He takes of his leg and gives it to someone else to shoot it .. while hopping! Hilarious.. but it also makes a lot of sense.. cause you can’t aim when hopping! It’s things like this that really show me the movie isn’t afraid to have fun with itself.

Have you ever wondered how the phantom of the Opera just happened to find one of those half masks .. and also the right half for his face?! Well in this movie Neeson tries to print his own face.. but because his lab exploded the one photo he had of himself is damaged in the exact same spot as his real face! He tries to make his mask.. but he can’t he has to extrapolate.. and because he only has an old junky computer which was old in the 90’s.. turning that into a 3d model takes hundreds of days. Which sounds legit but nowadays it sounds hilarious! However it also shows us a bit in what timeframe this movie takes place it helps us feel the alienation, Peyton Westlake must go trough and it offers interesting challenges.

Every mission he does..which later in the movie includes dating his former girlfriend again.. has to be done in 100 minutes or his new face will melt! So when a Carny refuses him a price he won..with only a few minutes left on the clock… with his enhanced emotion Peyton just loses it, with over the top rage eye effects added in and mind snapping animations to boot.. it’s just the flavour of bonkers I am looking for! Honestly this movie makes Face/Off seem like a nuanced movie. Take the damned Elephant.. is something I never expected Liam Neeson to say in such a threatening voice, and it gets even better when we get into the classic, Shoot Him.. No Shoot him I am your real boss moments when a character is forced to shoot at one of the two similar looking characters. I normally find that something for a Cartoon but there are little moments and motions that really sell this for me. For example Peyton is super afraid the masks comes off so he is constantly tucking in his neck, it’s so weird to see a real actor.. straighten their own face.. but it really helps sell the illusion, it makes everything silly at the same time but I really love it.

Not so Dark….Man

This movie feels quite different from other Superhero movies as well, as Peyton does not really have much super powers, other than not being able to feel pain. He has to outsmart the villains, has to stake them out and thus he doesn’t patrol the streets at night, no he constantly stakes things out and goes for the slow burn. He learns routines, practices their voices, their quirks, and since Raimi wants to make the timer element much more of a thing, almost the entire movie , except for the grande finale, takes place during daytime. It’s the light that adds the suspense rather than the dark, and while I would not call the movie suspenseful, it really does add something that all fights take place during the day and we can see the doppelgangers in full colour rather than in a dim lit room to polish out some bad effects. While some effects clearly do not hold up.. the movie really commits to it’s style!

You can see the movie was released at the back-end of the 80’s as a lot of the criminal stuff kind of reminded me of miami vice, the bright coloured suits the gangsters wear, the over the top.. cutting your finger off with a cigar cutter thing, the fact the movie has to have a helicopter chase. It feels really dated….but in a good way. Sure lady in this movie is a pretty helpless damsel in distress, their is not as much representation in this movie and the technology this movie was based on now almost is a joke, but that’s also what’s so likable about this. It is not something that could exist in this form in this day and age, in almost any perspective. There is no real development for Peyton, the name Darkman is way to on the nose, the damsel is way too helpless and durants gang ALMOST look like Jojo’s characters, fashion wise. Even the way chinese restaurants look feel dated.. which made me feel like I was watching something that has gone extinct.. like the Buddy Cop genre. .. It had a lot with that genre in common in the cinematographic style as well.

There is something about the way this movie is shot, not a lot of fancy tricks, not a lot of dark broody hero poses making the hero look cool, no! He gets the job done and is nervous, keeping checking on his watch, At the ending we are shown there is another guy besides Durant who is all part of this whole construction situation scheme and he jumps around those metal girders of a construction site with ease, he has been on so many he developed a feeling for it, while Neeson’s character wrapped in a heavy coat and bandages has trouble. Never does he feel cool, or all that hero like..the camera really shows this as well. Feeling very VERY basic for a Superhero movie, the action doesn’t feel “cool” or stylised. We really get the sensation that this is just a guy out for revenge..with a lot of enhanced emotions.
Only those emotions are stylised which is neat because that fits the silly tone of this movie so well but also never makes the hero seem immortal. He does not feel physical pain..but he can be ashamed..he can be so nervous he is forced to run away and that’s just such a neat take on the genre.

Pink Elephant

I LOVED this movie! I still love it, even though I know the IMDB score of 6.4 is probably fair, to me it is so much more than that. Yes the acting is hokey at times and McDormand really isn’t good in this movie but for some reason it blends so well. Because the movie wants Liam Neeson and the “duplicates” to lean so much into soap opera acting, the hammy acting of the rest of the cast really works as well, they fit in the same universe. Darkman somehow is extremely cliché YET has this “pragmatic” style of film making to it that really sells it for me. The big bad doesn’t get taken down in a big epic satisfying way, it’s more like as if an opportunity arises and our hero takes it. That goes for all the takedowns. It goes for the movie making as well. It doesn’t come on screen as spectacular as you might want, sometimes even a bit clunky..but it feels very much intentional.

In the end I’d have to compare the movie with the a pink elephant plushie. Sure it’s not a giant bear , it also is made with some cheap looking plastic eyes and some overly bright fur and it’s not an iconic toy such as Pikachu plushie or whatever is on your Dakimakura and in many way it’s just a generic plushie.. but once you hold it and hug it, you can really appreciate how soft it is, how good it is to hug! It might not be something you display with pride.. but whenever you are feeling blue you can pull it out of wherever you hide it and have a great time and let it and all of it’s flaws and camp cheer you up! Great entertainment even if it’s nothing else.

Amazon.com: MaoGoLan Big Pink Elephant Stuffed Animal Soft Elephant Plush Toy 20'': Toys & Games

Have you seen this movie?! Did you like it?! What is your favourite cheesy Superhero movie?! Let me know in the comments! The Princess would like to know the thought of her subjects! If you liked this post please consider supporting me on Kofi! I am currently working on tiny projects to bring more content to the blog!

I am on my Couch, yet I feel Lost: Pinkie Watches Labyrinth

Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie is here with a new Movie and Shows Post!

Greetings my Loyal Guests and Subjects! It may not be a surpise to you that I really dig the strange and unique and seek out these movies , games and anime on regular basis. One weird product in the movie industry had eluded me for the longest time.. but today I finally managed to get that film under my belt. In this movie David Bowie plays the Goblin King, a baby stealing , delusion of a man who creates several musical intermezzos in this oddball of a fantasy movie. Today I shall tell you of that time I watched Labyrinth.

The Wizard of Wonderland…with Puppets

In 1986 Jennifer Connelly starred in her breakout role in the movie Labyrinth, a Jim Henson movie that pits the ,then still a child, star against a pop singer. Which usually isn’t such a great idea. Child actors are known for their hokey acting.. and how poor children are written in movies, and singers…. well… just name a well acted movie starring Justin Timberlake… It is a movie that has the audience and the critics sharply divided on Metacritic , scoring only a 5 out of 10 from critics and an amazing 8.4 out of the audience. So such a bit difference is already weird… What’s weirder is.. I kinda agree.. with both sides. In their own way each is a very fair way to look at the movie. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, do I like Jim Henson’s work?! Jim Henson , should you not know the name is the big name behind the Muppets and Sesame Street, he is the master of puppets and his creatures are recognised all across the world, and while these creatures may not be anywhere near as Iconic as some other Jim Henson products, you can tell this movie is his. Which I find a huge boon!

The plot follows character Sarah who is rehearsing for a play about the Goblin King, however she has fairly recently gotten a stepbrother, her stepmother being over protective over little Toby forces Sarah to take care of this little brother much to her chagrin, she feels like the forgotten child, remembering a rhyme from her play she wishes that Goblins come and take her little half brother away, That they do! Immediately Sarah regrets her actions and tells the Goblins to give her brother back, the Goblin King , Jareth played by David Bowie floats to her window and tells her he can not undo the wish. She has 13 hours to travel trough an amazing fantasy land that is one giant Labyrinth to go to Jared’s castle and reclaim her little brother before he is turned into a goblin himself and stays with Jareth forever.

The movie clearly targets a young audience, with little consequences and stuff like death or injury being replaced by less harsh, but way more looney consequences. Like falling into the bog of Eternal Stench.. an event that will cause you to stink for the rest of your life. Amnesia or turning into a Goblin replace death as well, and the risk of injuries is often being played for jokes, such as creatures who can rip of their own head and toss it , put it on another creature and just have fun with it. When someone is crushed by a rock they just fly off like a bowling pin, and more like that. It makes the movie quite whimsical and delightfully lighthearted. However the dialogue has been written to appeal to a younger audience as well, which can at times feel a bit unnatural, like you are watching a high school play. Since the movie kind of sets this in a twisted version of a high school play though, I am not sure if it is an actual downside. It just is presented in a rather unnatural way.

The movie has a lot of similarities with the Wizard of Oz, in the sense with that there is a path to follow.. more or less but events constantly throw the journey off, and it even has more in common with Alice in Wonderland, with characters being extremely strange and the riddles and puzzles that have to be overcome are tackled in a manner that Alice oftenly would. The characters that join the main character however do really resemble the party format of Oz again.. with an ugly treacherous gnome/dwarf that finds friendship along the way, a ogre like creature that becomes braver as they go, and a dog knight that learns some humility and that fighting is not ALWAYS the answer. Very cute, and pretty well executed. The biggest trouble is that it kind of falls short when compared to it’s greatest inspirations, but those are pretty much masterpieces so I don’t really hold it to that standard. I can see why a critic would conclude it’s an inferior product though..because it is… however there isn’t that much in the genre anyway and as general entertainment I could not help but be slightly enamoured with this flick.

Twists and Turns

The moral of the story is where the “problem” of this movie lies. I will explain why I write “problem” in quotation marks a bit later on. The moral of this story and that the main character has to learn is “Life can be unfair sometimes, we just have to deal with it when that happens” .. or something like that. It is indeed unfair if a parent favours one child over the other, but it happens especially if one child is newborn and the other is in their teens. It is unfair that some pappa’s and mamma’s don’t stay together and you have to allow another person in your life. These are troubles Sarah has to face before the movie even starts.. but throughout the journey this theme is forced in pretty hard. The Labyrinth cheats! If she is smart enough to mark the route, little creatures will change it. A worm.. which by the way is the most adorable thing EVER .. tells her that sometimes she can walk through a solid wall! Sometimes solving a riddle and clearing an obstacle will immediately resolve in a new punishment. For a movie about making progress that can feel a bit lackluster.. and make progress feel more like a Deus Ex Machina than earned.

For example at one time Sarah is solving lots of mysteries in a row, some hubris sets in and she tells him, this is super easy. He then fast forwards time to give her 4 hours left instead of 8.. or something. Why not fast forward it all the way so you win?! Why give her a chance? Why come up with a riddle segment and have Sarah solve it.. if you give her the punishment for failing it anyway.. on a fundamental level it feels wrong. The movie isn’t satisfactory in that regard. Stuff happens because it happens, and normally I would HATE a movie for that. I hate a lot of anime who do that.. but this one gives clear hints on what is going on, you just have to assume something, something most people really do not like to assume these days. To enjoy this movie you have to watch it .. as an analogy rather than an adventure.. because while the events are fun, the actions taken end up being inconsequential due to the chosen theme.

I did not end up minding it all that much in retrospect when I saw the big picture but there where times I felt very frustrated. The character of Sarah is a big offender in this as well.. for the first half of the movie she is extremely whiny. She complains how unfair the maze is and how everything works against her. She vents this to characters who do not deserve it and the whole idea of wishing her brother away because she is studying a play and hates his crying noises already makes her feel quite bratty. An argument can be made that Jareth, the Goblin King is more appreciative of the baby than Sarah is and he’s the better choice. The movie fixes that later on but at several points in the movie I found myself rooting against Sarah! If you close your mind off because of that before the midway point, this movie might indeed suck. I don’t like children and Sarag began to annoy me just as a child would .. and then I realised… she is annoying but most children who would not be crippled by crying would react like this.. I as a child would have probably reacted like this.

The movie makes the odd choice to leave a lot of responsibility at the mature viewer, you have to poke through some things, if you take everything face value and “as seen on screen” this movie might not satisfy you. Like a fairy tale, we seem to walk across a beaten path with a cookie cutter morality and a clear sign of who will be the victor at the end. However if you poke a little deeper there a lot there. Do these events really happen? Or is it Sarah’s mind trying to cope with how unfair life is and allowing her to grow enough to learn a lesson. Do we sometimes need to let go of reality and it’s unfair to escape.. so we can later on face that unfairness.. that to me is what this movie is really about. What we see MIGHT have happened… but if she imagined it.. all those silly things that did not make sense before make sense.. after all she is creating the scenario and it also all feels very much like the mindset of a child, every single event even how the story sometimes derails into something so fantastical that it does not make sense… maybe Sarah ‘s true labyrinth is that of the feelings in her own mind. Kids get a cute little adventure, yet there is something for a mature audience as well. You just have to work your grey matter and imagination a bit to find it.

And then there’s Jim

The creatures we encounter on this adventure are so fun! I especially enjoyed Ludo the ogre , stone summoner and the worm! Oh I loved the worm so much! It had like 3 lines of text but it was great. It just tells Sarah there are doors that she can sometimes not see and she can move through some wall! But he also keeps inviting her over for dinner! Inviting her to come inside.. there is no clear indication of what he means inside, nor what’s for dinner. There is just a worm… in blue with a scarf that tells her you can go to a wall or come for dinner. I do not know why I love it so much but I absolutely adored it. Then there is a wise dwarf, with a talking hat who bestows wisdom on passersby. The hat looked a lot like the minish cap from zelda, even speaking in the same sarcastic tone. Two door knockers, gargoyle like by design one with the knocker in his ears the other in his mouth. One can’t hear one can’t speak! Find out which door is correct. I love this kind of stuff. Sir Didymus being a dog riding on a dog was great as well, especially since one is a puppet and the steed an actual dog! It is also quirky and even all the goblins felt unique!

This movie, while an original story feels very much like a fairytale.. but also like a hodgepodge of fairy tale tropes.. like a kid or young girl trying to write her own story, including moments where the story derails… a great example of this is when Sarah loses Ludo as her guardian, he just falls trough the floor for no reason, nor is a reason ever given after reuniting with him.. he just comes out of a tunnel… but while alone Sarah comes across creatures that look a lot like Kowakian Monkey Lizards from Star wars..but bigger.. in pink and yellow and orange fur. They sing a song and toss their heads around to tell Sarah they want her to play as well and will rip of her head. It feels so extreme for this story, very Alice in Wonderland.. and very much like I used to write when I was young.

There is an encounter with Jareth on some MC Escher like stairs, where trough camera choices I got absolutely confused which was the point and it felt great. For a movie about a Labyrinth I truly felt lost, Henson made most of his characters so insanely quirky that they become self aware of their quirk. Like the guardians with one always speaking the truth and one always lying, by all the questions they have been asked in the past and all the mystery they forgot who is who themselves.. and aren’t even sure if they should lie or tell the truth thus if Sarah goes trough the door and falls trough a hole we aren’t sure.. did the creatures accidentally flip roles, is the hole actually progress, you can feel lost if you allow yourself too and if you immerse yourself.. and a lot of it is due to the wonderful cinematography, amazing creatures and fun effects.

Some events have this level of theater effect to them.. like a stone coming in rolling very slow based or a pebble clearly on a wire being moved towards the main character. It feels like one of those old stage plays, like the Muppets is supposed to be I guess. It feels intentional yet hokey, it takes you out of the movie enough to give it a proper thought.. but also allows you to enjoy the wonderful creatures more. Like the hooded goblins with numbered helmets.. we see them several times but never see why their helmets are numbered.. not until way later where they end up being bowling pins to Ludo’s special attack! A super simple joke but long before that they were on my mind as to what the secret of thiose numbers could! It is all some great work and because it’s so hokey and forced at times.. it doesn’t age as poorly some effects feel like they were intended to feel wooden and forced.. so even the puppeteering that aged worse.. can be seen as semi intentional! Great work Mr Henson!

We are all mad here

If you asked me if I enjoyed this movie I would say yes! If you ask me if I had a good time while watching it, I’d be a bit more reluctant to say yes. The second half of the movie is a great ride so would a rewatch of the first half.. but the first time you watch this… or the first time in a long while … eeeeh…. Sarah is a brat and that ends up being great as we really go on a journey with her towards a better version of herself..but she comes across very abrasive from the start and only when she accepts the maze ins unfair, she becomes a remotely likeable character That is relatively late in the movie to start liking a main character. That’s the whole thing I think.. if you hold it to normal movie standards this is odd! Maybe to odd It doesn’t fit the normal criticising format. So if you review it as just a movie.. maybe it is bad. Reviewing by your normal, story, music, acting etc standards you can easily rate this a 5/10! Sure there is plenty of things wrong with this movie.. at least in the sense with how one normally reviews movies.

If you see it as a quirky visual fairy tale made by Jim Henson… that is a childs day dream about coming to term with the fact that she has a new family now and has to accept her new little brother as well as him getting more a spotlight than her you are in for a great time! This is NOT a movie that you measure by the normal standards, it can’t… well it can but in doing so you’d already be missing the essence of this flick! It doesn’t fit the standard bill. For once I do not really have a weird analogy for you this time because this thing is really unique! Labyrinth is not just a movie… Labyrinth is Labyrinth. If you can watch it with the goal of understanding or experiencing this wonderful product, rather than “put on a movie” a great time awaits you, that you will remember long into your happily ever after. The Bowie songs though will fade away rather quickly.

Did you see Labyrinth?! What did you think? Who is your favourite character? Let’s get lost in the comments but be sure to bring your Bedroll in case we really get lost! Because remember folks!
Friendship is magic but dreams are even more wonderful!
Oyasumi!

What if Princess Pinkie Wrote: The Super Mario Bros (1993) Movie

Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie has returned with a new movies and Series Post!

I really love Bob Hoskins Portrayal of Mario, and the weirdness that is the Super Mario Bros movie. I reviewed it myself and gave it an equally strange grade. The super silly movie is great to watch, but let’s be honest it doesn’t have to do a lot with Mario. Yet Mario is also quite difficult to make a movie about. So if I was given the chance to make a movie..given that I would have to make it in 1993. What would I do?! How would I write the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie?

Brooklyn Brothers

Nintendo Super Mario Super Star Lampje Met Geluid

The Super Mario Movie starts with a story about how Dinosaurs ruled our world.. but then a meteorite struck! Claiming , that instead of wiping them out..it created a second world.. an underground world where dinosaurs continued to evolve. I think this concept might actually be usable after a slight repurpose. This time we will have the story about the meteorite happening but this time the narrator will inform us that it wasn’t just a meteorite that crashed into earth that day, it was a star (or a part of a star). a very special star! A power star! When that star crashed on earth it discovered a world hidden beneath hours.. another realm. The Dinosaurs got themselves trapped in that new world. Then we would get a little mention that these stars.. tend to seek each other out.. or that the star wants to be reunited.

I am using these two options because in more modern Mario incarnations, especially in the RPG’s there are several power stars, variations among each RPG and even in some other games, so ideally I’d use that idea! In 1993 with less Mario titles being out it might have to be pieces of a star. For the sake of argument though we will say that we can use the idea of multiple stars as it may have been adapted later on if the movie wasn’t such a huge flop..or at least borrowed from there. Plus Super Mario RPG was only three years away so perhaps a concept was lying about already!

With that said the next scene would replace the one of Daisy being dropped off at the orphanage. This time we see a boy flush his turtle away..we follow it as it ends up in the sewer. It survived and crawled out of a pipe. We see some mushrooms grow on the damp walls near the pipe. Another star crashes in New York city missing the turtles but hitting the mushroom and the sewer pipe. As the pipe begins to glow.. we see the little turtle and the water it came from being sucked back in the pipe.. as the water flow is reversed. When we zoom in on the pipe we see it now grows green..and the mushrooms going next to it have all gone.

***Not exactly how it would look but this would give you an idea!***

Next we would be introduced to Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo! That’s right we are keeping the original cast. In some cases at least! I won’t take this from Bob Hoskins! The whole plumber skitt would happen but rather than be a conspiracy theorist Luigi is more of a scaredy cat. He saw a report on a meteor strike in New York (x) many years ago. The documentary would say it was covered up and Luigi would be scared of such an incident ever happening again. The boys would get a job but Scarpelli’s men would get there first like in the original stealing the job from the plumbers. This time there would be no digsite. Instead Luigi and Mario and Mario’s girlfriend.. Pauline (instead of Daniella) would talk about losing the job to Scarpelli! To which a strange old man tells he is opening a hotel, in an abandoned building, that has been abandoned ever since that weird event (x) years ago. This professor would kind of like professor E.Gadd and the hotel itself a reference to both Luigi’s Mansion as a series and Hotel Mario. I know it’s 1993 and E.Gadd was not invented yet ..but it will still work as just a plot point if he is just an old strange man.. I just made it a cameo for my fellow time travellers.

Scarpelli and his crew would not take any bigger role in this .. they are just to get Mario and Luigi to another job.. working for an odd ball they would normally refuse. While in the hotel they can hear some strange noises coming from the basement and Luigi acts afraid, thinking it might be ghosts. Mario tells him to shape up as the pair heads to the basement.. They notice there is no water and the only way to turn it on is to enter the sewer grate just outside the soon to be hotel. When they check the pipes they notice the water IS turned on.. but for some reason it is just not flowing. Luigi then discovers the pipe with the water flowing backwards still glowing green. Both look surprised as another star crashes near them, which spooks luigi and he falls into the water.. and gets sucked up in the green pipe. Mario is intrigued and picks up the star, puts it away and rather than jump into the water jumps towards the pipe.. and gets pulled in as well. We hear the iconic warp pipe sound as we get a trippy travel between worlds,

**Gotta have those 90’s neon animations when travelling** **through worlds!**

The Mushroom Kingdom

The next thing Mario sees is a clear blue sky as the pipe spits him out in a body of water in a grassy environment with a brick road close by! The grassy windows xp looking grassy hills nearby seem to have eyes? Then he hears Luigi screaming! Mario runs toward him and sees both Luigi and a tiny little dude with a little Mushroom dude screaming in Panic, played by Verne Troyer.. we will get an actual Toad in an actual Mushroom Kingdom! No Cyberpunk world here! But a world that actually looks like the Mushroom Kingdom. Think Classic Wizard of Oz look! The blue skies.. actual turn out to be blue glowing mushrooms covering some underground cave walls. After Mario slapped Luigi he mans up a bit and realizes Toad is asking for help! His village is under attack.

**I could have spend more time photoshopping this.. but you get the point!**

Mario agrees to help the little guy, grabbing plunger and wrench as they make their way to the village! Now here casting restraints show up! We can’t cgi to many fake toads, unless we oompa loompa it but since toads are skin coloured it might look too fake, so instead we get normal citizens.. but all have either a mushroom cap or some element of mushroom to them! They are attacked by two human goons with some facial prosthetics to give them a more beak-like mouth and on the back of them is a green and red shell! They replace the goons of the original movie so they can be played by the same actors. Looking more inhumane, however this time around in the real world Scarpelli and associates resemble these guys, to give a nice pair of rivals for Mario and Luigi! They claim they are coming to collect (x) coins taxes for King Koopa unless the Princess gives up her Star. Mario thinks he sees Scarpelli snaps and lashed out! Even Luigi helps! In a tavern brawl style with plumber tools our heroes come out victorious.. who by the way are already in their Iconic gear, as is their plumber uniform, no red and yellow dinner jackets… The Koopa Brothers swear that next time they will bring their hammers and will take care of them next time. Toad explains that these are Red and Green Koopa… also known as the Hammer Bros.

Of course rescuing the village would get Mario and Luigi invited by Princess Toadstool which still can be played by Samantha Mathiss. Toad can go as well. The princess baked a cake for them, Mario and Luigi ask for Spaghetti but the Princess doesn’t know what it is! She awards them a Mushroom, that when consumed helps them in their time of need. It will make them stronger. Mario hates mushrooms and Luigi likes them. As Mario gets his Mushroom, something in his pockets glow as well as a gem around princess Toadstools neck! She looks surprised but an explosion draws their attention. Bowser/King Koopa stands there with Red and Green Koopa who wield the SNES super scope that was used as the devolution gun in the original, this time painted black. They shoot out a Bullet Bill with arms that grab Mario and Luigi sending them through a window! Bowser, still played by Dennis Hopper laughs at their screams and says Monkeys! Then he turns to Peach and tells her Game Over Princess!

**I used the goomba suit from the movie as a Boswer Body.. despite my photoshop skills.. that would be neat!**

Quest in Koopa Kingdom

The two brothers land in a desert, trying to make their way back to the palace and during their trip they encounter the Mushroom version of Professor E.Gadd or in 1993 a random scientist. Played by Christopher Lloyd, cause he was the weird scientist back then. He lives out in the desert because his house was haunted but he is working on clearing it out. Luigi tells Mario he knew the hotel was haunted. For rescuing Peach however the professor gives them the jumping shoes from the original, and a hammer as a weapon! In trade of their plumbing tools, which he never saw before.

When the duo gets back to the castle, they find it abandoned except for a hiding Toad, he tells Mario he knows where they took the princess, a dark fort in the Koopa Kingdom, and he saw the enemies left through a pipe! Not far away. The group travels there together and we see them learn to use their new weapons and jumping shoes through a fair few challenges, defeating a few Koopa’s but as they draw closer to the fortress Toad begins to act more shady. Nervously looking around. The heroes don’t notice because that’s how Hollywood works. They make their way through the fortress in a Indiana Jones like fashion, with the castle being a trapped tomb. Singed and injured the two arrive at the end of the tomb where they have to fight Red and Green Koopa, which ends rather anticlimactic! Despite them tossing hammers this time.. using their jumpy shoes Mario and Luigi outmatched them badly. There they find all the coins Koopa stole from the people..and a tied up Mushroom girl… no princess. Toad looks ashamed and tells them he is sorry but the Princess is in another castle

He explains while loving his ruler, he needed the money back as did the other mushroom folks and if King Koopa was defeated his goons would run off with the money. Toad and his girlfriend will bring the money back to the village, Mario should save his Princess now. A montage follows of Mario and Luigi traversing the next fort looking even more hurt! At the end they see King Koopa on the edge of a lava bridge! The princess caged behind him. He reveals that there are seven stars each having a power of their own. His star can make him Immortal! As such he lived for millions of years, so long he could evolve himself.. but he can also move back. He then grows his Spikey shell and bulks up as he breathes fire. Hitting Luigi, down for the count Luigi smells baked mushrooms, his favourite and eats it! This makes him buff up and have a grapple fight with Bowser holding him down.

**Buff Luigi is a thing so no photoshop!**

Luigi tells Mario to use that function on the Hammer and jump over Bowser! Mario jumps over Bowser but thr monster leaps up for a moment, seeming to impale Mario on his spikey shell! A single drop of blood can be seen rolling from Bowsers shell, a shocked Luigi and Peach stare at the shell, then crank a smile! We see Bowser shell again, no more blood rolls across but rather a rainbow light effect! Bowser looks surprises as Luigi leaps back! “Your Star may make you immortal Bowser, Mine makes me invisible” Mario says, he then kicks off from Bowser’s shell and he and Luigi press a button on the bottom of their hammer. It changes into an axe! Bowser pleads for mercy but the two axes chop down the bride as Bowser falls into the lava he had used to warm his Dinosaur Blood. We see his hand come up from the lava one more time.. but to no avail. Bowser is dead.

Epilogue

The Princess is rescued and Bowser’s star floats towards them. Luigi jumps across and boosts to far, stumbling into a room where he finds a white egg with green dots. He asks if it should be tossed in the lava but Peach tells him not too! He star has the power to heal.. so she heals Mario and Luigi , they go back to the Mushroom Kingdom where Mario gives up his star! Peach promises to keep them safe! Mario and Luigi should return to their own world, but that soon she will invite them for a new cake! They find the warp pipe that leads them home being waved goodbye by the Mushroom people and Peach, clutching the Egg. It hatches and also sees Mario and Luigi leave! Peach names the baby, Yoshi.

***Don’t worry little guy Pinkie liked you in the movie! So you can stay as you were!.. Except you are also Bowser Junior now***

One year later appears on screen. Mario is taking his girlfriend Pauline to the Zoo, Luigi is there along with Toad who is wearing a disguise as a kid. Pauline remarks that Mario could have worn something else than his working outfit, he refuses, this is the gear of a Mario brother. He and Luigi Fistbump in front of the Gorilla cave.. the sign shows this Gorilla’s name is Donkey Kong. Toad noticed one of Mario’s boots is untied..as he bends over a Mushroom falls out his pocket, snatched by the Gorilla hand. The screen goes black, metal bars snap and Pauline yells.. we here the Iconic Game start sound of the arcade game play as we enter the credit roll.

And that my friends is how I would have made the Super Mario Bros 1993 movie whilst also setting up a possible Mario Cinematic universe. No actors would be recast with the exception of Koopa’s secretary and King Fungus, but they would be cast as random mushroom city citizens. Everybody wins! How would YOU make the Super Mario Bros Movie (as restricted per the 90’s ) ? Would you go see my Mario Movie (provided that some costumes look a bit better than my photoshops) let me know in the comments while I go do some research for my Kirby in Dreamland adaptation. Because Remember…..Friendship is Magic, but Dreams are even more wonderful! Oyasumi!

Cha-La Bad!! Cha-La : Pissy Princess Pinkie Watches Super Friends

Hear Ye Hear Ye! Princess Pinkie has written a new anime post!

Greetings loyal subjects and guests! Today I am feeling a bit … pissy! You see I discovered a new anime that I heard was just like Dragon Ball, and I LOVE Dragon Ball. This one was a Korean Anime.. or how do we call that? If Manga in Korean is Manga is this Animwe then? Not sure! Either way… I watched Super Kid.. or Super Childe or whatever it is called in Korean. It’s …not very good… and the biggest issue. It’s JUST like Dragon Ball. Really much like Dragon Ball! Just done a bit worse! Okay that’s a lie.. it actually does it a lot worse. So join me as I found a product, so forgotten and uncared for that it has been watchable on Youtube for almost 4 years now!

Confusing but Familiar

*Not cropped this is actually full Screen*

The movie follows a group of powerful warriors named the Super Kids. So already the title of the movie is kinda off because it’s about Super Kids.. with an s at the end… not a Super Kid. Now only half of the Super Kids ARE actually KIDS because there are three grown man and a rock monster in there.. who also looks kind of adult so of the super kids only 50% is actually a kid. So this is a movie called Super Kid, because it follows the Super Kids.. and it’s not even a group of Kids. That’s hell of confusing. To make it EVEN more confusing.. the main character LOOKS like a Kid and he might be THE Super Kid… but he is 199 years old! My head already hurts!

The story starts with a dapper young girl/kid/i dunno named Joo Eun-Joo a scientist.. I mean Journalist working for a big company/news station. When she hears about a scoop .. the Super Kids, are fighting a villain named Cacaruse (I think) she takes her fancy little flying UFO car to cross path with the Super Kids.. including the young boy Gokdari, their leader. Gokdari is a young fighter of an Alien race, with Spikey hair that changes shape if he is angry! His weapon is a magical staff that has the power to extend…. and contain evil within. So .. it’s not a total copy.. of a similar character. Gokdari wears an orange or Red Gi, with a symbol on the middle, and he can shoot blue energy beams.. as well as grow giant and feral almost like a berserking gorilla…but still looking like himself.

His best friend is called Big Boy, a bald monk boy who isnt as skilled as Gokdari but tries to hang out with him a lot. Then there is Samachi, a slug looking alien, who is green and has the power to extend his limbs very stretchy like..but it is the one character that actually sounds like a kid. Then there is Chao, the desert bandit who wields a large scimitar, who tries to be intimidating but ends up largely being ignored by the group. Then there is Saint TeolTeol..credited as Grand Priest Tul Tul who is a bald old man that is like the mentor of the team. A master of sorts. They also have a Pilot because..sometimes they can travel through space on their own but sometimes they can not..so they fly in a giant mecha with golden eyebrows. Not sure whats that doing in here.. but for a 1994 movie I can’t help but get a feeling I have seen these characters somewhere before?! Hmmm where could that be!

Plot

The movie ‘s first fight is against Cacaruse or whatever his name is! A space squid who fights alongside his pal Bazooka Joe, and no that is not a joke, the character is actually called Bazooka Joe! He wears shiny armor and a Jetpack and fires big yellow beams out of his bazooka. The group defeats these villains and we discover they aren’t actually heroes. They are Mercenaries. Gokdari won’t hand over the villains to the authorities until he is handed a cash reward. Having proven their worth the heroes are contacted by the police for an even bigger bounty.

The biggest criminal in the universe. Judowgi, a destroyer of planets who transforms! The strongest criminal in the universe. So of course half of the group gets left behind and Rockpile, The Slug Alien , Big Boy and Gokdari travel to the alien planet with the journalist girl on board as a stowaway. As they leave the sunglasses of the police officer shimmer ..so we know he is evil. It turns out he is also an evil space alien wanting the Super Kids to kill his rival… and because he has a rival, an ally of Judowgi .. the blinking warrior named Maoi fights at his side. giving Judowgi teleporting powers… so they have to travel back to fight this new threat after losing to Judowgi once.

The fight this guy who has the ability to change his arms into metal weapons.. but once he shown his real form.. he completely loses this ability! The heroes get overpowered.. but win the fight when they discover this villain is afraid of ants. They pull his tendrills and bully him with ends until he loses the will to live and break his spirit.. allowing him to be captured by the magical staff..which seemingly can always suck up enemies but for some reason Gokdari only uses it once enemies are beaten..so I just assume that rule. They travel back through space again.. doing in minutes what originally took them 8 days and now that the rival is defeated.. the ally of Judogi sees the worth of the Super Kids as he beats up Judowgi and rips out the power source of Judowgi’s final form.. which doesn’t weaken him at all of course, but now causes the other form to be his stronger form. By working as a team the kids defeat the big bad and trap him in the staff. Then the group travels back to get their bounty which Gokdari donates to his old orphanage leaving the rest of the group in crippling debt and unpaid bills (not kidding).

Dragon Ball Zzzzzzzzzzz

This movie almost steals as much moves as Goku himself does!

This movie takes a lot of inspiration from Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z and when I say a lot of inspiration I mean that it pretty much steals everything about it. While it shuffles some things up almost all elements are there. Blue Energy beams, multi forms, the Mafuba, Powerpole and to an extend even a Dragon Ball.. sure it doesn’t grant wishes but in this world there are orbs of infinite power that people took to be super strong. The problem with this movie is it doesn’t do very much original things. And when I say not very much I mean… it doesnt do ANYTHING original.. well it does a few things differently.. but all those things , are wrong. For example they choose the “Ash Ketchum” way of winning a lot of fights.

**Gokdari should team up with Bully McGuire**

With the exception for the first fight.. all enemies are defeated by other forces. Like “Ants” or A celestial being intervening with the fight…. even in the first fight, Bazooka Joe gets defeated by his armor falling off and that other thing loses to his teeth being knocked out! Because this movie is aimed at kids… we never see a kill.. but we never see a knockout either. All enemies just are punched until they cry..after which they are bullied more by Gokdari, not a great way to make us enjoy the main character. I am not kidding..every single villain cries before they are finished off, and Gokdari even fires an energy blast in the face of an innocent alien, just because they carried a prisoner .. while not knowing any context. It makes it quite hard to root for him. Which means I find myself uninvested.

**No music! But this movie has magical orbs though! That’s original right?!**

Now the worst crime this movie manages to pull off is having fight scenes …….without music! That’s right.. not a single not of music is played during any of the fights. Character often don’t even talk so it’s just swish, swoosh, thunk and grr rawwwrr… for minutes on end before characters say another line. I watched the English Dub.. and as you expect.. it’s no good! When you look up this movie on IMDB you see it gets a 3.6 out of 10 and non of the voice actors have their picture on their imdb page. The good voice actors, such as the camera girl and Gokdari.. sound like bootleg Bulma and Goku.. imitating their english VA’s .. the bad voice acting is flat out annoying. The Piccolo clone thing, has this super squeaky voice that sounds like a carebear doing a Dragon Ball Z spoof. Judowgi sounds like thatt growly voice a kid would give to their evil figurine.. but then a kid that smoked for 10.000 years. The evil cop villain alien thing sounds like Janice from Friends.. or Fran Dresher, trying to voice StarScream from transformers. You know you are doing something wrong if I think squeaky voices aren’t cute! So basically this movie looks and sounds awful!

For Not so Super Kids

***The Villain’s Final Form.. but also his weaker form..sometimes!***

So , so far we have established this movie is confusing, unoriginal, poorly written, poorly animated and poorly voiced, on top of being poorly directed. So this movie is a bigger pile of stink than Unicorn DooDoo..which let me tell you, doesn’t smell of roses or cupcakes either. It doesn’t feel like a love letter to Dragon Ball either… it really feels like someone who doesn’t understand DragonBall… or anime tried to make money out of it. It has everything kids think is cool right? So this gotta sell?! They also planned for Super Kid to be a tv show but this movie did so poorly those plans were cancelled fast, and for good reason. There is no passion here… and even a bad product can be good if there is passion. Look at movies like “The Room” or one of those fan made Pokémon games I keep playing. That really lacked for me from this movie .. in everything.. . Even in Uwe Boll’s movies I see some passion…a passion for objectifying women , sure but still a passion. You can tell someone somewhere had fun! Here.. I don’t think anyone had fun creating this. I hope I am wrong.. but I can’t escape this feeling.. the fact that this movie has been on YouTube for three years without it being copyright stricken applifies this that no one cares.

It’s an inoffensive movie that doesn’t drop the ball as much as Uwe Boll did, but it also isn’t as fun to watch. Where the latter’s direction feels like the delusions of a madman here.. there really is nothing. Characters gain powers at random to suit their needs, Rockpile , while entertaining explodes like 20 times in this movie and thus is immortal.. having no consequences and that goes for the entire movie. Stuff just happens. A kid may not notice but even the action isn’t that satisfying.. the hits feel cushioned and soft and I don’t think anyone actually throws a punch in this movie. So this movie is like a wet matchbook. It is something that you can say you collected.. but it looks like a cheaper version of that one well known brand matchbook… and other than the collecting value it’s pretty darn useless… and kinda soggy! Maybe it’s fun for kids.. but if it is it certainly would not be for the smart kids. Perhaps if your kid things your guinea pig or rabbit is a small dog, this might be entertaining.. but this movie certainly won’t entertain Super Kids. Or super many kids at that.

Normally I would ask.. have you seen Super Kid? But I am pretty sure no one has! So instead of sharing my Kofi down below (you can still support me on the side bar on my actual website) I will share with you.. the full Super Kid movie! Tell me how far you made it in before giving up in the comments and we can interact and be friends! First however I need to take a Supernap! Because Remember kids: Friendship is magic but dreaming is even more wonderful! Oyasumi

Pissy Princess Pinkie: Alone In the Dark.. an Uwe Boll Film

Hear ye hear ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new movie post!

My loyal guest and subjects, it has come to my attention that at times the blogosphere can be a bit sweet! We avoid negative posts, yet at the same time we avoid having overly sweet posts as well! Since I do sometimes really hate things and sometimes REALLY REALLY love things, I made two new columns, the one in the near future to discuss things I blindly adore… and one where we just rant on how bad something is! That can be really fun after all… luckily dear mister Boll can always provide content for the latter.

Boll Bingo!

Video game filmmaker Uwe Boll quits, but still gets the last laugh - Polygon

I am back to watching video game adaptations.. but I now am passing on the very mediocre ones, I am now only taking my anger out on the bottom of the barrel. Because sometimes being negative can be fun as well.. So I created a game called Boll Bingo. A series of ideas I expect from a Uwe Boll movie by now. I have become quite familiar with the abominations that Boll calls “work” . Just like you can recognise Tarintino by his dialogue style, character types and music chocies. This also applies to Mr Boll! God Bless his lack of skill! So there are ten signals that this is a shitty Uwe Boll Movie. These are the points I chose:

1. This Movie will be set in no specific location, and never will be.
2. The movie will feature a skimpily dressed female/and or objectifies women.
3. Fight Choreography will employ a lot of jump cuts and will not make any sense.
4. Stuff happens because the plot needs it to happen rather than a natural progression.
5. This movie is historically rather inaccurate!
6. Some scenes will look extremely ugly and fake… think “Original Sci-Fi Channel Movies
7. The main villain will not make sense.
8. There will be a LOT of bad writing and nonsensical scenes.
9. There will be a guy in it Boll uses for all his movies.
10. It has little to nothing to do with the source material.

Image gallery for Alone in the Dark - FilmAffinity

With these ten points we were well armed to take one of the most notoriously bad Uwe Boll movies ever. Alone in the Dark! Scoring a 2.4 on IMBD, and holding a 11% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes.. this is the Uwe Boll movie that not even Uwe Boll fans seem to like…and yes there are Boll fans out there! This movie gets the least amount of love! Which is a good thing for me.. because I HATE … and I mean HATE Uwe Boll’s sense of humor. So perhaps this one will be tolerable for me! Like many of Uwe Boll’s first movies in a series this starts some fairly famous actors in the form of Christian Slater and Tara Reid but also that main villain from the first Blade movie in the form of Stepehn Dorff. That usually doesn’t mean these movies are any good though.. but see why this movie sucks so much! Time for bingo. Let’s find out the score! Oh and speaking of cast Will Sanderson is in this movie! He plays in just about every Uwe Boll Movie so that is one point already! Woop!

The Joy of Horrible Writing

So let’s check point one?! Is the movie set in a location?! No! In traditional Uwe Boll fashion it is set in “the city” and “mines’ where are those mines? Somewhere in the USA , apparently both on helicopter distance AND walking distance from the city! Because set pieces need to happen and helicopters are all cool and military I guess. We also get treated to a ship out in the middle of the ocean, salvaging another ship that gets pilotted back to said city.. as soon as noises get quiet and AFTER the entire staff has been killed…neatly docked at a minor little peer as well! Even in the opening credits.. which are narrated by a very trailer guy sounding voice.. we never get a location. He mentions stuff.. but I am none the wiser. Thanks Mister Boll.. that is some horrible writing already done! Clever though.. this way you can swap between all sorts of sets and string them together by any mode of transport available! Dark Souls World Building for the win!

Point number two is however where we miss a point. The Story follows Christian Slater, playing Edward Carnby and Tara Reid portraying Aline Cedrac two characters that actually are in the game. Carnby grew up in an Orphanage..much like the games and has been infused with a parasitic life form that could turn him into a zombie like creature working for the forces of evil…but that parasite is dead cause he sat in a high voltage box thing when he was a kid. Aline Cedrac instead of being an archaeologist this time is an anthropologist. I have to admit, this is a smart choice as you can bind her more to the location she needed to be bound to. That being said.. she wears a white science coat, a pair of glasses and has her hair tied up. So she looks like a clip-art of a female scientist.

She studied Abkani most of her career and can read their ancient scriptures like it is nothing (But more on that later) .. yet is unable to correctly pronounce Newfoundland..and despite knowing this civilisation died out 10.000 years ago , and she is being chased by monsters released from Abkani tombs, she has NO idea why the Abkani would split a relic in four pieces and hide it on opposites site of the world. So she isn’t the brighest of scientist. To make up for it she does know how to be 100% accurate with an SMG despite probably never ever having held a gun. She has no sex scene with Carnby though.. so instead of a porn character we get a cardboard cutout based on female scientist clipart… A lot better.. but no point for me!

Alone in the Dark (2005) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

Luckily point number 3 is mine indeed best illustrated by the opening sequence. Carnby lands in the USA and the bad-guy who we see put out a kill order on Carnby.. tries really hard to convince us he is a good guy! Yet one of these zombie people that are a big plot point in the movie.. somehow managed to hijack a taxi with no one noticing and he begins ramming Carnby’s taxi. To escape a guy that clearly is trying to kill him at all costs Carnby orders the taxi to drive onto a crowded fish market.. so we can get breaking market stall footage. Edwards car crashes and he orders the taxi driver to allow himself to be rammed by the other taxi.. while Edward escapes.. punches a cop and takes his gun. Which is a revolver..because all cops carry those. It’s powerful as heck because next Edward shoots through a massive block of ice.. sitting on conveyor belts of an Abandoned ice factory.

The guy doesn’t die from being shot in the heart. So Edward decides he is best off punching this guy real hard. They randomly slide each other on these conveyer belts.. at the still abandoned lot, rather than killing him in the shadows the Assassin drags Carnby out in the open.. where there is a spike conveniently placed at the spot where normally a truck would park to be loaded up… but here there is a rusty spike..implying this plant ..filled with ice blocks has not been used in years. So of course Edward impales the bad guy.. which kills him .. and Edward walks off.. without the cop he punched and stole his gun from ever bothering him again. He is dressed in this really specific trench coat as well so it’s not like the cop would not be able to recognise him.. he just decided to let him go. All shots look kinda neat in theory.. but it tells no story at all and does not feel like a natural fight at all.

Thanks for the point Mr Boll!

Guns go Brrrrrrr

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

The last scene already illustrates point four is in as well but it gets a lot worse. The monsters of this movie are dark alien looking creatures that can turn invisible and disrupt the light because they emit some sort of emp…emp that only disrupts electrical currents that are far away from it’s source.. like lights on the grids but not flashlights. It would be annoying if the heroes could communicate through so clearly Walkie Talkies.. are too far from their power source so they get disrupted. The blood of these creatures that REALLY look like H.R. Giger’s Iconic Alien are called Zenoe…(such an orginal name) and their blood can cause kids to grow parasites that can brain control them when it is injected into them. When you inject the blood of a Zenoe into your system…when you are the bad guy it works differently however.. then you control the Zeno! To get an adult under control fast.. and turn them into a parasyte zombie, you can also make them swallow a Zenoe larvae which causes the creature to latch on to your spin and brain control you.. within a second after swallowing it.

Alone in the Dark (2005) Review |BasementRejects

So they sound like really powerful creatures yet they have a few weaknesses. They can hurt by certain specific frequencies of light and elements 75 to 79, the latter being gold. Ah they got the atomic number of gold correct! Gold can disrupt their electro communication and will instantly kill them…so of course to shoot them the government developed some sci-fi hi tech bullet which is made out of trapped photons and will a luminescent film. Basically.. weaponized light.. in ultra specific frequencies. Gold Bullets would work.. but that sounds way more expensive right?! The biggest weakness these creatures have however is that they seize to exist at the end of the movie! We get a lot of shoot outs filled with machine guns (that had their power source destroyed yet still work) and one overstylised duke nukem like clip with everyone killing the Zenoe and their zombie humans.. but in the end… a million Zenoe survive…On the surface there are at least a dozen left.. except when the movie is over.. they are all gone. That is one lucky weakness! And plot convenience point in the bag.

Is the movie historically inaccurate?! Yes, the Abkani are classified as a native American tribe, which in many ways they are but Boll more often than once associates Cherokee like artifacts with them, while in actuality they were closer to the Mayan’s and aztecs, and while the McGuffin of the movie does fit that style.. the museum the first half o this movie is set in misses the mark completely… but I guess that makes sense as Aline is not a good scientist. Now I am nitpicky here..but if your movie is about an Abkani artifact and 70% of the movie is about deciphering some Abkani artefact, I’d use actual Abkani script. Boll doesn’t do that, in fact he uses a font so blatantly non native American I really REALLY noticed. As a European we do not get a lot of American history.. but I could tell whatever that script was it was not Abkani. So I googled it to see if it might have been lost to the Annals of time.. but no it’s not. Not a single letter resembles Abkani. The games do a much better job! But who cares about the mystery and the creepiness.. this is Alone in the Dark movies! Guns go Brrrrrr! And when they do… they look ugly as heck! So yay for more points!

What am I watching here?!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

So you may have noticed I haven’t really told you yet what this movie is about… and that’s not because I did not want to.. but because I do not know. Carnby finds a relic.. and discovers his history is filled with mystery.. while an evil scientist wants to collect all four artifacts.. to open a gateway to a dark realm. He wants to open this gateway because ……….. he found a door I guess?! Carnby goes on a journey to discover he was an experiment and the organisation he once worked for created these alien type things.. except seconds later we see they did not.. they just exist in the dark realm as well. Aline tags along because.. she was there. Yet the best thing is the villain. He needs a coffin to be opened to unleash the Zenoe..but he doesn’t want it opened or the Zenoe released..

He wants the relic piece that is hidden in this sarcophagus..because he needs it to release the Zenoe from that door thing. He also manages to capture one.. despite hiding on a ship to weak to fight them.. cause their blood in his system makes them control them! So with all of them he might be able to rule the world or something?! He never tells his goal.. just that he wants this portal/door opened… which is located in his secret base by the way. Which was build in an ancient Abkani trap thing filled with evil worm things…which is located in a mine somewhere near San Francisco I think. So I guess that is the bad villain point obtained! As I really have no clue what he was about! Like none! Everything contradicts itself.

Game - Movie Review: Alone In The Dark (2005) - Games, Brrraaains & A Head-Banging Life

Are there any other nonsensical scenes?! Yes.. just about everything! There is a war against the Zenoe going on top of the mine.. but it doesnt contribute anything to the story, the events do not change at all from it… AT ALL. But I know guns gotta go BRRRRR because Alone in The Dark is such an action heavy guns go BRRRR kinda franchise. The best scene we get right at the end though. Carnby and Aline need to get into the secret base so an ally blows up a wall for them with a packet of explosives.. they casually stroll away as the package leaves a perfect door shaped hole for them! However mere moments later when the gate to darkness has been opened and a million or so Zenoe come running towards the group to destroy the world.. the rival character takes out a single packet of explosives and throws it and now he blows up seemingly himself and the entire mine! Only Carnby and Aline escaped. The soldier lived as well is later revealed.. but they leave him for dead anyway and the movie doesn’t bring him up again so probably he died.. and the movie ends with Edward and Aline being attacked by a Zenoe.. or seemingly so.. in broad daylight.. the one thing that killed the,. So I guess a point for stupid scenes as well.

GG Mr Boll

Dear Mister Boll, you have really outdone yourself this time.. sure the movie is not as gross and toxicity masculine as your other flicks, but this might be one of the worst written movies I have ever seen… and I have seen Birdemic and the Room… this feels than either of those! There is also NO style to this movie. It’s about a native american tribe yet the main music theme has arab style instruments to it, one combat scene is hyper stylised filled with heavy metal music while the second battle scene is shot like a war movie with yet a whole other style of music. The acting is god awful as well, especially from Tara Reid. She is just there and goes from dork to badass and there is no character there.

Alone in the Dark streaming: where to watch online?

So many scenes could have benefitted from a second take, and there are so many inconsistencies throughout this movie. Aline has a wound that constantly changes position, Edward I am pretty sure has a shape shifting gun, no one notices a museum being shot up, ice is sitting at an abandoned plant! You know Ice melts right Mr Boll?! You know ice doesn’t completely disintegrate from a single revolver bullet right? A sheet of ice would.. but this thing was massive. You know that building a ladder directly next to a pitfall trap isn’t a good idea either right? Also the fact that this pitfall has not been discovered in an active mine or a formerly active mind would beg the question how much work these mine workers actually did.

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Internet Movie Firearms Database - Guns in Movies, TV and Video Games

This is a horrible HORRIBLE movie! It isn’t even so bad it’s good.. it’s more of an enjoyment that something can be so fundamentally wrong! I always claim good and bad is just a matter of opinion, and I stand by that, this in the eyes of the (VERY VERY) drunk beholder might be mindless entertainment.. but you really need to be practically braindead if you think this is a cohesive story. Everything pulls you out of it.. so just for a moment Mister Boll, you made me think that factually bad movies exist! If there is one.. besides Manos Hands of Fate, your movie might be the one! You are the Ed Wood of your generation! Guys if you want to see a disaster without people actually dying go watch this movie! It is complete and utter Bollshit!

Have you ever seen this movie?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie?! Do you think Uwe Boll will come and beat me up?! Do you know a bad movie you want me to review? Let me know in the comments! Let’s talk a bit because you know! Friendship is Magic! Time for a little princess nap! *Quack* Oyasumi!

Tom Hank’s War on the French

Long before I ended up traveling across the pacific on a raft with only a volley ball to keep me company I was a world renowned Symbolist. I know it sounds far fetched but it’s true. Due to this experience I almost immediately have a hard time wrapping my head around The Da Vinci codes’ main character, Robert Langdon in the video game adaption based on the best selling Dan Brown novel of the same name.

Let me explain why. Interestingly enough, both, The Da Vinci Code game and movie starring Tom Hanks were released on the same day. BUT – the game version is not based on the theatrical version at all – sticking closely to Dan Brown’s original novel. So that’s why Robert Langdon in the game has absolutely no visual similarities to Mr. Hanks. In fact he’s better looking. But even knowing that – that doesn’t mean I will play fair and not compare video game/book Robert Langdon to Tom Hanks Robert Langdon. Because I’m not fair and never have been. That’s boring. So from here on out Robert Langdon is Tom Hanks and vice versus.

There are two universal truths in this world:

Despite being tall I will never be good at basketball no matter how hard I try.

If Tom Hanks plays you in a movie you’re a smart character but you’re physically weak.

If Tom Hanks was a trading card – any simple or evolved form of Tom Hanks would give you +5 boost in intelligence and awareness but your physicals are going to plummet. Out of all his movie eras Da Vinci Hanks has some of his most atrocious stat lines:

*The -3 Strength is attributed to his horrible hair cut. Not only does it makes him much more vulnerable to attacks from behind but also attacks from the front on his feelings and judgement.

Am I actually supposed to believe that this guy can beat up anything at all? Let alone policemen? Sometimes even several at a time? The historically ignorant may scoff at a French Police Force and the French in general for being too relaxed and refined to be bothered with any sort of fist fight with Tom Hanks. Their bellies too full with delicious cheeses and wines to bother kicking the crap out of a long haired Tom Hanks but I am not one of those people. I know what the good people of France are capable of.

It’s true – the French are a cultivated and beautiful people. With a language that is smooth, enchanting and musical it is easy to forget these brave people stared directly back into the face of Nazism with no fear. And fuck, they even took taxi cabs to battle in World War I. That’s classy and badass.

So I immediately find it far fetched that any Harvard scholar, “symbolist” played by Tom Hanks could just teleport down into the center of Paris and just start throwing hands at everything. It’s one thing to suspend my reality but to imagine that is to completely disown it.

Anyways, enough about Tom Hanks fighting Frenchmen.

The Da Vinci Code is a 2006 adventure puzzle game developed by The Collective and published by 2k Games. The Collective was an American developer that developed mainly licensed games for PC/XBOX/PS2. Looks like their most successful work was the game, Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb. The Da Vinci Code would be their last release before merging with Backbone Entertainment.

The juggernaut publisher 2k needs little introduction. They publish everything from the BioShock series to the WWE 2k series of games.

The game was met with pretty mixed reviews upon release. Mainly the trouble was with the combat system (very dull and hard to handle) and the graphics (which I don’t think are too bad to be honest)

The puzzles are a lot of fun and I enjoy them quite a bit. It’s everything in between each puzzle that sort of sucks.

Here’s a penis for those of you that like them.

Recently, I had read a post from a writer considerably smarter than me about Christianity in a round about way. It was really well done and despite my lack of faith in just about everything (don’t take it personally) I liked the point she made. And it inspired me. Not to make peace with God. But to do exactly what she begged people not to do in the post: Absolutely dunk on a book series without reading it or knowing what the hell I’m talking about.

So – obviously – it goes without saying I am not Dan Brown. If I was I’d be too busy swimming in my pool of liquified gold to bother with anyone BUT if Robert Langdon in the book fights as many people as he does in this stupid game than Dan Brown is a ridiculous human being.

Also back on the Christianity thing for a moment – the book is basically considered some sort of demon spawn abomination for its rewritten religious history. So I could only imagine the Catholic Church would literally do nothing short of an exorcism had it encountered this game.

Anyways, where was I. It’s impossible to not get lost in a religious tangent when reviewing this game because the entire plot is literally a series of religious tangents. Some art, some mentions of important people, an albino dickhead and a French hottie that for whatever reason feels like protecting you.

It could have just been done so much smarter. While certainly not the worst game I’ve ever played – it’s still pretty damn stupid. Or maybe I’m pretty damn stupid and if I just read the book I wouldn’t be so stuck on the damn logistics of a fighting professor.

Granted Indiana Jones was a teacher that beat ass but that was Harrison Ford. If Harrison Ford would have played this guy I’d be all for it. Harrison Ford is boss sauce. What about Daniel Day Lewis? Matt Damon? Tom Cruise? George Clooney? Literally anyone but Tom Hanks.

The corpse of Leonardo Da Vinci could kick the shit out of Tom Hanks.

Alright, I’m done here. I’m obviously not going to get past it. It’s an okay game but not great. Good bye.

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

As you can see – the manager enjoys gingers and fisticuffs. I do not.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Da Vinci Code)

If for some reason you’d like to read more of my thoughts or follow me on social media: https://linktr.ee/DarkCorners

Reptilicus – sort of a review

Who is that boy that is trying to clean the pool in that Periwinkle suit?! And why does he keep inviting people to pee into the pool? Sunny wondered about this and for the first time in a while he decided to stay in his hut near the resort.. to keep track of this strange guy! Sunny had spend many days on the beach fishing so it felt good to finally be back in his hut again.. there was also a tv! When he turned it on, he was fascinated by huge monsters… and he completely forgot about the weird pool boy!

A Strange Suggestion

The PLAN (is that the sound of Gods laughing) was to watch a couple of kaiju movies courtesy of TubiTV which has a plethora of them for free – let them pick me a random two movies – call it a Creature Double Feature and then review.

The first movie I chose was Reptilicus because you simply have to find and choose a movie before TubiTV starts suggesting kaiju movies at you. Searching under monster, kaiju or horror nets you zero or completely unrelated stuff. They need to work on their search function.

Anyway, I searched for and watched some old kaiju stuff a whiles back and Reptilicus was one they suggested and I thought it looked interesting.

First though, I should warn you that I’m a bit of a science nerd and that I find kaiju movies hilariously funny. So that’s where I’m coming from, most of the time. I expected Reptilicus, released in 1961, to be a prime example of horrible special effects, bad acting, worse script and beyond shaky science.

I was wrong.

Partially, at least. The special effects were really bad. I mean, REALLY bad.

The acting actually was not bad at all. Two characters really stood out to me for different reasons.

The comedic relief. Dirch Passer is hilarious as Peterson. He delicately remains on the good side of over exaggerated big dumb farmer hired to clean and look after the lab at night.

But the one who really impressed me was Poul Wildaker (the Americanized version of his name, I don’t trust myself to try and get the Dutch letters on here so I’ll stick with the way he was credited in the American version of the film). He portrays the Dutch scientist, Dr. Peter Dalby – and he forever endeared himself to me in this one scene where he stands up to the (clearly American) war mongering general sent by some International governing body who wants to bomb the creature. I mean, check this out.

screencap from TubiTV – Don’t blow him up, he’ll regenerate and we’ll have even more of them! (You idiot)

The doctor then passes out – he’s just had a heart attack and apparently is a bit delicate (!) – which is what triggers the brilliant idea to sedate the creature as the Dr. was now sedated and resting.

But really, no one EVER stands up to the American Warmonger General who wants to drop the bomb. I loved it. You tell ‘em Doctor!!!

Idiot Americans, Heroic Dutch and Destroyed Danes

Wikipedia tells me that the first version of the film was considered unshowable to American audiences. I bet. And there was some sort of lawsuit over the whole thing, no information about what that was about, but I can guess. Americans don’t like to come off as the idiots we are. We want to be the heroes, and in this kaiju movie, the Dutch are the heroes. I loved it. Anyway, there was finally a version put out that our delicate little American egos could handle.

Another thing that endeared the movie to me was watching Reptilicus stomp Copenhagen. It was just a nice change from Tokyo and New York City.

The science was shaky, of course. Reptilicus grew his whole self from a bit of tail. That sounds slightly kinky now that I read it. Some animals can do that, of course, like the Starfish the Dr. uses as examples and it is so true that Reptilicus is the most complex animal to (not) grow his entire body back. And let me tell you from experience that sedating a reptile is not easily done. They have very different metabolisms from mammals. Drugs work differently if at all. The main problem is they have not just slower metabolisms, but the ability to slow their metabolism even more if something is wrong. Actually killing a reptile with sedation is quite an undertaking with a perfectly normal snake, never mind a lizard of that size.

Reptilicus has a bit of a cult following, it turns out, as the first, last and only Danish kaiju movie, made in cooperation with American International Pictures. So if you check the Wikipedia entry you’ll find bits and bobs of this picture have popped up in all sorts of places, from Green Acres to South Park.

But who knows…maybe he’ll strike again…since the warmonger blew his foot off and then left it behind in the first round of attacks. He grew back from a bit of tail to begin with after all.

Screencap fromTubiTV – whoopsie, we missed a piece…

I didn’t create the Reservoir Dogs game, I’m just dealin’ with it!

Most days on Paradise are quiet. Still relatively new to the island I try to stay out of the coconut’s and other staffers way just diligently cleaning out the pool, occasionally chasing Pinkie away from the staff laundry I just folded and barbecuing behind the small maintenance shed I call home. During the lull of the winter months, I’ve noticed the tourist traffic slow and with the extra time I like to spend quiet nights watching whatever DVDs wash ashore.

The other morning as I was walking about the beach planning my nightly maintenance routine I saw a familiar and beloved DVD case laying in the sand. I rushed over to it, gleefully. Filled with warmth and joy at the sight of one of my favorite movies. I began to clear the sand off the cover and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was.

It was Quentin Tarantino’s cult classic, Reservoir Dogs. For the PlayStation 2.

Developed by Volatile Games, a division of now defunct British developer Blitz Games Studio Limited – most known for their work on other licensed titles like: The Fairly Oddparents, Bratz and Spongebob and other sacks of shit that I’m sure will make its way into my crosshairs at some point.

Published by the quality publisher Eidos Interactive (who have since been taken over by Square Enix) The publisher is well known for their Tomb Raider series.

“First things fuckin’ last.”

The obvious cash grab doesn’t piss me off much – that is the nature of the beast. It’s not unlike Hollywood these days remaking classic films that never needed a remake in the first place. Rereleasing a movie with a new cast instead of ever actually giving fresh, younger writers a chance to show the world their stories. Hollywood feels that the world doesn’t need a new Charlie Kaufman. It needs a remake of Pride And Prejudice starring The Rock or something.

The abhorrent targeting system doesn’t bother me much considering I’ve lived on PS2 planet for quite awhile now and have fully disconnected from the much smoother controls of more modern consoles and games. So I can handle bad third person shooter targeting systems. I grew up with them. They practically raised me. It’s like that meme about some shithead witch telling a lion about magic and then the old magic lion saying something about he was there when it was written. Was that a Narnia meme? I thought I had it around here, somewhere. Anyways, thats like my usual work day – working with a bunch of strapping young lads and ladies fresh out of high school with their whole lives ahead of them and then theres me … an old, miserable magic lion…alas… where was I?

It only pisses me off a little that if you happened to never see the movie before playing the game you’d have no fucking idea what’s going on. Considering it offers little to no backstory and just assumes that everyone in the world has already seen the movie. Even as you play through the movie plot the unbelievably bad voice re-enacting iconic scenes is even more distracting than the poorly drawn characters that look nothing like the regular actors.

Generally the story consists of a 44 second clip of a massive plot point that isn’t elaborated on at all – using the incredibly small story window between playable chapters to only mimic legendary scenes from the film. On top of all of this Mr. White’s character is voice acted by that dude that played the fire chief in the Denis Leary show, “Rescue Me”. And once I placed it I just couldn’t not hear it.

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or are you gonna bite?

So alright, I’ll cut to the chase. The thing that pissed me off most about this game? The story can be completed in about three hours. That drives me bananas. Imagine it’s 2006 and you just paid $55 for this game brand new and finished it within three or fours? I hate that shit.

Rule number one about making a video game based on a movie. Make it at least two hours longer than the movie itself you, morons.

Alright so with that off my chest the good part about this game? Is the Tarantino soundtrack. Some classic gems per usual. One I will showcase a little bit later on. The game has a really simple play style meter – between professional and psychopath. The more violent you are the more psychotic your rating and that can alter the ending a bit.

Ultimately the game destroys all of the glorious subtleties of the film and just turns it into a run and gun blood bath that is short, repetitive and exploitive.

Pee In The Pool

So of course – begging the outside world for attention and interaction has essentially failed yet again (even though I stubbornly refuse to give up) I did receive a little feed back on a poll I asked the harsh, cruelly tight lipped internet.

While I also got sympathy love from Kuro and Pinkie as per usual. 😂

All in all the worst game I have played for the blog so far, a game that lacks any sort of charm, thoughtfulness or respect for its original creator and rabid fan base. – Periwinkle.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients (In order of how enjoyable.)

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

Steampunk? Steamball? Steamboy!

Welcome back to Paradise my dear Island guests, I am dropping the steampunk greetings because I ran out! So instead I will go with: “Good day dear guest, welcome to another beautiful day in Paradise, today we serve you this special blend of Anime-Spritz and the Movie-to. Two parts Steampunk with a solid dash of Katsuhiro Otomo one part Star Wars and expectedly garnished with a bit of Akira. This review will take you through my experience with Steamboy!

Akira but with Steam

Steamboy came out in 2004 and is directed by the man the legend Katsuhiro Otome himself. He is known as the man who revolutionised anime with his iconic flick.. Akira! This movie cost 20.2 million dollars and is one of the most expensive animated movies of all time. Certainly at that time. A Blueray these days costs you about €19,90 which I assume will be the dollar price as well as you guys tend to get that stuff cheaper than us. My version at least offered me the chance to choose between sub and dub and this had me pondering for a bit. I am a sub girl.. very much but the dub cast consists of Alfred Molina, Patrick Stewart and Anna Panquin among others and it sounds absolutely phenomenal. However the matching lip flaps stuff isn’t done as well. As a sub-girl I watched the movie subbed. For two reasons. Anna who plays Ray, our main character fakes a british accent, and while she does it pretty good it is a fairly thick accent.. making it slightly harder for me as a non native english speaker to understand being the most important. The second the main characters being the Steam family. In Japanese their name is not translated.. so Steam and steam .. which both appear in this movie a lot.. are more separable. Watching the dub however I think is completely justified!

The movie tells the story of James “Ray” Steam. Son of the great Dr Edward “Eddie” Steam and grandson of the legendary Lloyd Steam. Unbeknownst to Ray his father and grandfather make an invention that can propel the world into the next age of science. The mysterious Steamball. However after a workplace accident Eddie and Lloyed now follow very different beliefs. One seemingly took the side of the Americans and the O’Hara foundation.. led by the Child-Ojousama Scarlett O’Hara St Jones and the weasley CEO Simon. The other takes the side of Robert Stepehnson, a british nationalist and fellow inventor. When Lloyd mails Ray one of the three Steamballs, he quickly finds himself marooned between both sides and has to fight his way out of many dangerous situations so that the true philosophy of science can survive. In doing so however war between America and Britain almost seems unavoidable as Ray quickly finds out that power corrupts. It’s a fairly interesting story that does have its flaws. With the runtime of slightly over two hours this movie outstayed its welcome just a bit. For me one of those moments happened at the 45 minute mark and the second near the end. I never would have turned it off but there were points where I was like… hmmm we are treading water a bit.

America vs Great Britain

The set piece for this movie is great. An alternative take on Britain in 1866. The concept of steam having reached its limits and people trying to break it is intriguing. The quasi science behind is that people found a liquid water-like element or material that can both solidify and turn to steam within a small margin or something..with a denser base one can cram a lot more steam in small containers and make it more productive. The money hungry Americans want it to make MONEY and lots of it while the proud british want to use it for Queen and Country and to subject those who would oppose them. One of the scientists believes that we should explore all facets of science.. even the ones that can be used for nefarious gains, it is up to humans to handle them responsibly and the other beliefs mankind can not be trusted with power like this. Science is meant to serve man not rule over them. Ray works as a neutral perspective; he just loves gadgets and tech and thinks a tank is really cool when he sees one. He does however think a tractor is pretty dangerous because one nearly destroyed his house. It’s where one of this movie’s greatest strengths yet also it’s weaknesses lie. It doesn’t really choose a side… until very very late in the movie. It does keep the plot exciting and shows us some amazing steampunk tech, pretty cool utilities and wonderful locales.. yet we also see a main character that doesn’t know very well what he is fighting for or who he is running from.

I do not mind this neutral approach but they back out of it hard, at one point one side is revealed to be pretty evil.. and then near the end they are not..or they regret it and flip.. I am not sure how to explain that. A lot of characters have ulterior motives, lie about their beliefs and or change them as the movie goes along and a two hour movie is kind of too short to tell that. It results in a lot of idealistic speeching to get the point across the movie is trying to make but that sometimes doesn’t make sense.. like speaking about your ideals against what is essentially your boss. Or telling a kid waaaay more than you would tell a kid. As a result some of the speeches feel a bit forced. So Ray talks to person A, maybe he can’t be trusted, Person B explains his side, Person C tells Ray to be careful and why science should be treated with more care.. but the person is confused.. so maybe it’s person D who has the right vision..who of course also speeches. In the end they are all kind of assholes..but also not?! It’s a tad much.

When action is happening however this movie is great! The Steampunk inventions work in a really mechanical and realistic way and a slew of interesting gadgets is pulled in. Very early Ray for example has to flee from some bad guys on his steam cycle. It as an invention that has not fully worked yet so before he can fire it up properly he has some issues and tumbles around in the wheel (it is basically one large steam propelled wheel ) .. in trying to flee he tries to lose them by quickly hiding behind a Steam train that is coming their way..but the way rails are designed keeps the cycle locked on track. (He had a ramp to get in before) every scene has tiers as it were. It is not just throwing punches… it is feeling out what the problem is, finding a solution and making it happen. All the fights and action scenes are conquered by clever thinking like how a scientist would. Yes there is a powerful mcguffin but it doesnt give power as one would in Shonen.. people almost never overpowered…except for a war going on in the background.. but the action fits the tone of this movie so much. Then there are the more comedic scenes and discovery scenes that pack so much charm.. it only has too many speeches.

Well put Together

What stood out to me most is how absolutely stunning this movie is! It looks gorgeous! This is a 2004 movie so it’s 16 years old but it looks so clean! Yes it is really brown and grey like all steampunk movies and most period pieces, yet the movie knows when it is enough and treats you to a beautiful coloured scene as well. The details look amazing and this might be the only movie where I do not mind that they used 3d graphics in a 2d movie. It blands in so well and gives everything “mass” Wind effects, steam effects they all look SOOOO great in this movie. I am not a big visual type of person but this , this wowed me! It looks 80’s in design , quite close to Akira but with all the commodities of modern animation. I would not describe it as realistic.. but just by looking at it you can add adjectives to every item. The heavy lever, the creaky crank. Just by looking at some parts you know how much force you would have to use to pull it down or make it move. Pipes twist shapes from having too much pressure little glass cracks from shockwaves nearby. Ray’s aviator goggles shatter after his first crash landing.. there are so many small details

The characters are also great. Scarlett O’Hara St Johnson, who is indeed based on the character from Gone with the Wind for example seems like your typical Oujousama , she feels too good for everything.. she is super shallow but rather than having her completely overcome this it is because of said shallowness she discovers some of her beliefs or some stuff her company does doesn’t work for her. Per example.. she talks to a person she has warm sentiments for seeming worried.. however once she founds out it will give her less money .. she thinks of him as a bad element.. influencing something else she likes.. She really wants to keep that..so her mind finds a way to explain how she can have her way. Later on however she sees one of her machines is causing destruction.. the CEO spins it to her as a marketing tool.. so people can see what they will buy! She is against this however because she doesn’t want the “pretty things” to be broken. We see growth, as in the person learns what they want and do not want and what is more important for them.. but they do not morph into a great hero who learned their lesson.

Ray and both Lloyd and Eddie get plenty of similar obstacles in their way. Ray wants to do right.. but he is very idealistic.. he isn’t in this to do right by some or to do right by the good side.. he wants to do right for all. He also believes man is good.. and those traits get him in trouble.. but he doesn’t give up on that. He stays who he is and sticks with his choices, even if that choice is not making a choice. Eddie and Lloyd also make decisions based on this and even Simon who is but a minor character can’t help but showcase his dominant character trait .. being Greed even when it endangers his life. Yes he is weasley, yes he is your typical “snake man” archetype.. he doesn’t do the whole chickening out thing , not really at least, however he is not stupid enough to die for his greed either. Characters stay themselves rather than being a stereotypical movie role. That can lead to a few eyeroll moments, as “in other movies, the hero would have learned by now” .. but that is just the point.. these situations happen because it just so happens to be these characters that were put in this situation and I love that so much!

Soaring to the Skies

The movie does fall in the pitfall of having too many finales, the final encounter has so many tiers that it stops being interesting in the final step or so. It’s still amusing but I reached a point where I would be fine with any outcome as long as it would end. It’s not quite “you haven’t even seen my final form” levels.. but there are definitely too many elements in the end. Reason is once again those shifting alliances and believes. What starts as Small guy versus big corporate evildoers ends up as England versus America and that ends up in.. about 8 subgroups or so each doing their own things. It makes sense.. but it all is a bit convoluted and it means some plottreats do not go anywhere. There is a big thing about scuba divers in steampunk suits but one falls off the stairs because he trips and that ends the entire thing with the Scuba divers.. We see a character be built up as super important in the conflict and at one point he just stands there and watches.. while he technically was still doing things… and of course for some reason each side has the perfect counter for the other teams surprises packed and loaded on their ships. Air Travel is still unheard of yet when America shows something in those veins. and Brittain goes.. what the F is that thing.. they also go like “Hey now we can test out that weapon we made in case people made such a thing we were just so utterly surprised by” It dulls the background conflict significantly.

The action with Ray and Scarlett amidst that war is finger licking good! The story is descent with flaws, the action only has that one bigger setback. Critics rate this movie with about a 6,6 out of 10 and a 6,9 on IMDB. However I do feel those scores are way too low. On Metacritic this movie scores an 8.7 out of 10 from the audience and that I find is a much fairer score. I would put it slightly lower due to it’s chunky runtime and excessive speeches, which I could forgive if the finale was a BIT more on point but for a movie about the glory of science, for a movie about steampunk I could not wish for much more than what I have got. Even after finding this movie too long I kind of want to rewatch it dubbed sometime.. not right now , not even this year anymore but I really want to watch the dub as well at some point and that has to be a seal of approval right there. A sub-girl who liked this movie so much that she would like to see if the dub would make her appreciate it even more!

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