Spoink: The worst Pokémon

Aha good day readers, it’s so good to see you all. This week marks the start of us having an official domain, rather than that arceus-ugly one. http://pinkiespokemon.com Is now a fact. A much more pleasant name if I do say so myself. The new domain comes with some stylistic changes. Main-Pinkie has given her persona’s free range to write their content. Before we would to Mon-Days, from now on we have Professor Pinkie’s Pokédex. It’s still the same..but now run my me not bound to a day persé. As restyling is eating on our writing time a bit today I chose a bit of a shorter topic! Spoink, the worst Pokémon.

It’s not bad

First of all to not get our dear pokemon friend upset, when I do say it’s the worst I do not mean to decrease it value as a pocket monster. It is not a bad pokemon to run on your team, nor is it’s design atrocious, in fact it’s pretty cute. No.. spoink’s design flaws are much more set in it’s lore! In the world of Pokémon, it is highly unfunctional.  Let’s first talk about it’s design. As you can see here Spoink is an adorable piglike pokémon that was introduced in the Hoenn region. One of the first piglike pokémon, only outdated by swinub. It’s neutral grey body and stubby hands might make you suspect it’s a neutral type at first but you would be mistaken. The pink pearl on their heads are created by clamperl. A deep sea Pokémon that also was first discovered in the Hoenn region for those who mastered the craft of diving. As its name suggest it’s a clamshell pokémon. How the spoink managed to get these pearls is unknown because they are not indigenous to ocean areas. In fact the first place you encounter them is near a volcano close to Flannery’s gym! Throughout the entire series Spoink always prefers mountainous areas.   So the relation between Spoink and Clamperl is sketchy at best. However it IS know that spoink use these pearls to enhance their mental powers. Yes this crossup between Piglet and Tigger from Winnie the Pooh is a psychic type. It likes to feed on underground mushrooms and can be considered rather harmless. It is known to have two innate abilities, being Own Tempo, which prevent the pokémon from being confused by any means , or is directly healed from such effects in some cases and Thick Fat.  The latter is an ability which reduces damage Fire and Ice type moves by 50%. All in all, it has a cute mythos, a favorable typing for the metagame and some decent pokémon abilities. You can teach it some fun moves as well. How then can we claim its the worst Pokémon.

The Nuzlocke Pokémon

Spoink is what we call the Nuzlocke Pokémon. Nuzlocke is a method of playing a Pokémon game where  players choose to a self imposed permadeath system on their pokémon. Players can only capture their first encounter on a route and any pokémon that faints is considered dead. Of course the games doesn’t recognise this, although some fangames do, so pokémon usually end up in a so called death-box. How is Spoink connected to this system you might ask? Well because of its lore. If Spoink is knocked out in battle.. it will certainly die if you don’t withdraw it into your pokéball immediately. As if having your legs replaced by a spring isn’t hard enough of a life, the Pokémon company decided to mess with Spoink a bit more. They decided that it would be cool that this cute little pig’s heart doesn’t pump on it’s own. So when Spoink isn’t happily bouncing around, it’s heart is not pumping. Knocking out a Spoink thusly basically means certain death for the creature. Since I found out this lore titbit, this professor has never knocked out a Spoink anymore… how many have you killed? Such an oversight seems rather cruel in the world of Pokémon.

Poor Poor Spoink

Let’s take it a step further though and take a good look at the implications this lore fact might bring. First of all, by instinct they do know how to sleep while bouncing so at least we will not see insane sleep deprived Spoink trying to take over the world. You can also use sleep moves in a fight against this little one. Anything else however makes you either extremely cruel or a flat out murderer. Paralyse a spoink and it’s dead, freeze it… dead.  If you manage to confused it and it would trip due to its confusion it’s most likely dead! The status move burn will not kill it, but since a burned victim loses half their strength it is safe to say it creates major pain when you are physically active..for example let’s say burning. So if we consider it’s lor Spoink is completely and utterly unable to function in battle. It’s an easy prey for predatory creatures as well. Their own mortality urges Spoink to find bigger pearls on their heads to amplify their power even more. A noble goal for these brave little bouncy boys and girls. In comes the anime, which decided to add a flaw to Spoink! Because clearly it did not have enough of those! The weakness the anime chose is to give Spoink bad eyesight. We see Spoink trying to replace it’s pearl, but it is unable to recognise items at all. It becomes clear that it’s eyesight is so bad it can barely even make out shapes. It makes for a funny episode but if we analyse this properly it makes us realises that in a few generations we might only be able to get Spoinks from fossils. The pearl on its head is needed to function well in combat and if Spoink faints its dead. Not being able to recognise what actually is a pearl, really hurts it’s already slim survival chances. If Spoink trips , it might very well die as well but I bet a near blind pig hopping around extremely rough terrain will be fine…. right? Who am I kidding..someone really must have hated their own creation when they came up with Spoink.

It gets even worse

So maybe Spoink has good Pokémon moves, it would not be the first time we see a frail pokémon with some amazing moves. Well unfortunately this is not true either. By looking at it’s natural moveset and base stats we can deduce how a Spoink’s Solo survival chances are.. and things aren’t really looking good. The first giveaway is the fact  the Pokémon has Splash in it’s moveset! You know that move that doesnt do anything.
Spoink evolves into Grumpig at level 32 and until that time it learns *drumroll* ONE reliable damage move. Having access to Psybeam, Psywave, Zen Headbutt and Snore in total, only psybeam is reliable. Psywave is a move that does random damage, given the lore we know about Spoink we can assume that is related to how big their pearl is… the anime shown us..they sometimes dont even have a pearl at all.  Psywave thusly being disqualified as a reliable move for their survival. Zen Headbutt is a physical move and as to be expected from such a tiny springy pig, it’s physical stats are bad, both in terms of defence and offence. So should Zen Headbutt hit it would only put the little pig in danger, as it’s defences are very weak in melee situations. Snore requires the Pokémon to be asleep to use it. It’s nice that it can defend itself in its sleep but this move will not be very helpful in a direct battle. Spoink doesnt get acces to great boosting moves either, it can learn psych up which copies stat changes from it’s opponent.. meaning at best it can just even the playing field.
However it has the ability to learn magic coat which it can use to prevent it from being burned , frozen or paralyzed. Only moves strictly involving that status without damage are reflect though. At least it’s something. However if Spoink can recognise it’s opponent and assess the threat  should remain to be seen. 

It’s the worst

A Pokémon which dies when it trips, faints is paralyzed or frozen would be bad enough, and no we are not overreacting here. The Fire Red/Leaf Green and Black and White Pokedex explicitly state,in game, that Spoink dies when it stops bouncing. The text for all your kids to read literally uses the word die. 4Kids dubs could learn a thing or two from that stuff.
However with a barely passable moveset, with only one reliable move, bad eyesight and a hostile environment to live in this pocket monster has a lower chance at survival in the Pokémon world than my grandpa would in a match of Fortnite. Why poor Spoink is so hated by the designers I do not know, it must lead some horrible life. I would totally offer to partner up with one and train it up to a happier life, but if it’s even half aware of its own mortality I am afraid I would be tossing pearls before the swine. Which.. in this case..might actually help anyway.

That will do for now it’s time for us Pinkies to continue working on the website in the back as well as set up today’s online roleplaying session. What do you think about this cruel bit of Nintendo and Pokemon Company lore?  Who would come up with this? Leave a like or a comment!
This is Pinkie closing off and please remember I am not weird just very pink!
Until we read again!