Pissy – Pinkie's Paradise

Cha-La Bad!! Cha-La : Pissy Princess Pinkie Watches Super Friends

Hear Ye Hear Ye! Princess Pinkie has written a new anime post!

Greetings loyal subjects and guests! Today I am feeling a bit … pissy! You see I discovered a new anime that I heard was just like Dragon Ball, and I LOVE Dragon Ball. This one was a Korean Anime.. or how do we call that? If Manga in Korean is Manga is this Animwe then? Not sure! Either way… I watched Super Kid.. or Super Childe or whatever it is called in Korean. It’s …not very good… and the biggest issue. It’s JUST like Dragon Ball. Really much like Dragon Ball! Just done a bit worse! Okay that’s a lie.. it actually does it a lot worse. So join me as I found a product, so forgotten and uncared for that it has been watchable on Youtube for almost 4 years now!

Confusing but Familiar

*Not cropped this is actually full Screen*

The movie follows a group of powerful warriors named the Super Kids. So already the title of the movie is kinda off because it’s about Super Kids.. with an s at the end… not a Super Kid. Now only half of the Super Kids ARE actually KIDS because there are three grown man and a rock monster in there.. who also looks kind of adult so of the super kids only 50% is actually a kid. So this is a movie called Super Kid, because it follows the Super Kids.. and it’s not even a group of Kids. That’s hell of confusing. To make it EVEN more confusing.. the main character LOOKS like a Kid and he might be THE Super Kid… but he is 199 years old! My head already hurts!

The story starts with a dapper young girl/kid/i dunno named Joo Eun-Joo a scientist.. I mean Journalist working for a big company/news station. When she hears about a scoop .. the Super Kids, are fighting a villain named Cacaruse (I think) she takes her fancy little flying UFO car to cross path with the Super Kids.. including the young boy Gokdari, their leader. Gokdari is a young fighter of an Alien race, with Spikey hair that changes shape if he is angry! His weapon is a magical staff that has the power to extend…. and contain evil within. So .. it’s not a total copy.. of a similar character. Gokdari wears an orange or Red Gi, with a symbol on the middle, and he can shoot blue energy beams.. as well as grow giant and feral almost like a berserking gorilla…but still looking like himself.

His best friend is called Big Boy, a bald monk boy who isnt as skilled as Gokdari but tries to hang out with him a lot. Then there is Samachi, a slug looking alien, who is green and has the power to extend his limbs very stretchy like..but it is the one character that actually sounds like a kid. Then there is Chao, the desert bandit who wields a large scimitar, who tries to be intimidating but ends up largely being ignored by the group. Then there is Saint TeolTeol..credited as Grand Priest Tul Tul who is a bald old man that is like the mentor of the team. A master of sorts. They also have a Pilot because..sometimes they can travel through space on their own but sometimes they can not..so they fly in a giant mecha with golden eyebrows. Not sure whats that doing in here.. but for a 1994 movie I can’t help but get a feeling I have seen these characters somewhere before?! Hmmm where could that be!

Plot

The movie ‘s first fight is against Cacaruse or whatever his name is! A space squid who fights alongside his pal Bazooka Joe, and no that is not a joke, the character is actually called Bazooka Joe! He wears shiny armor and a Jetpack and fires big yellow beams out of his bazooka. The group defeats these villains and we discover they aren’t actually heroes. They are Mercenaries. Gokdari won’t hand over the villains to the authorities until he is handed a cash reward. Having proven their worth the heroes are contacted by the police for an even bigger bounty.

The biggest criminal in the universe. Judowgi, a destroyer of planets who transforms! The strongest criminal in the universe. So of course half of the group gets left behind and Rockpile, The Slug Alien , Big Boy and Gokdari travel to the alien planet with the journalist girl on board as a stowaway. As they leave the sunglasses of the police officer shimmer ..so we know he is evil. It turns out he is also an evil space alien wanting the Super Kids to kill his rival… and because he has a rival, an ally of Judowgi .. the blinking warrior named Maoi fights at his side. giving Judowgi teleporting powers… so they have to travel back to fight this new threat after losing to Judowgi once.

The fight this guy who has the ability to change his arms into metal weapons.. but once he shown his real form.. he completely loses this ability! The heroes get overpowered.. but win the fight when they discover this villain is afraid of ants. They pull his tendrills and bully him with ends until he loses the will to live and break his spirit.. allowing him to be captured by the magical staff..which seemingly can always suck up enemies but for some reason Gokdari only uses it once enemies are beaten..so I just assume that rule. They travel back through space again.. doing in minutes what originally took them 8 days and now that the rival is defeated.. the ally of Judogi sees the worth of the Super Kids as he beats up Judowgi and rips out the power source of Judowgi’s final form.. which doesn’t weaken him at all of course, but now causes the other form to be his stronger form. By working as a team the kids defeat the big bad and trap him in the staff. Then the group travels back to get their bounty which Gokdari donates to his old orphanage leaving the rest of the group in crippling debt and unpaid bills (not kidding).

Dragon Ball Zzzzzzzzzzz

This movie almost steals as much moves as Goku himself does!

This movie takes a lot of inspiration from Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z and when I say a lot of inspiration I mean that it pretty much steals everything about it. While it shuffles some things up almost all elements are there. Blue Energy beams, multi forms, the Mafuba, Powerpole and to an extend even a Dragon Ball.. sure it doesn’t grant wishes but in this world there are orbs of infinite power that people took to be super strong. The problem with this movie is it doesn’t do very much original things. And when I say not very much I mean… it doesnt do ANYTHING original.. well it does a few things differently.. but all those things , are wrong. For example they choose the “Ash Ketchum” way of winning a lot of fights.

**Gokdari should team up with Bully McGuire**

With the exception for the first fight.. all enemies are defeated by other forces. Like “Ants” or A celestial being intervening with the fight…. even in the first fight, Bazooka Joe gets defeated by his armor falling off and that other thing loses to his teeth being knocked out! Because this movie is aimed at kids… we never see a kill.. but we never see a knockout either. All enemies just are punched until they cry..after which they are bullied more by Gokdari, not a great way to make us enjoy the main character. I am not kidding..every single villain cries before they are finished off, and Gokdari even fires an energy blast in the face of an innocent alien, just because they carried a prisoner .. while not knowing any context. It makes it quite hard to root for him. Which means I find myself uninvested.

**No music! But this movie has magical orbs though! That’s original right?!**

Now the worst crime this movie manages to pull off is having fight scenes …….without music! That’s right.. not a single not of music is played during any of the fights. Character often don’t even talk so it’s just swish, swoosh, thunk and grr rawwwrr… for minutes on end before characters say another line. I watched the English Dub.. and as you expect.. it’s no good! When you look up this movie on IMDB you see it gets a 3.6 out of 10 and non of the voice actors have their picture on their imdb page. The good voice actors, such as the camera girl and Gokdari.. sound like bootleg Bulma and Goku.. imitating their english VA’s .. the bad voice acting is flat out annoying. The Piccolo clone thing, has this super squeaky voice that sounds like a carebear doing a Dragon Ball Z spoof. Judowgi sounds like thatt growly voice a kid would give to their evil figurine.. but then a kid that smoked for 10.000 years. The evil cop villain alien thing sounds like Janice from Friends.. or Fran Dresher, trying to voice StarScream from transformers. You know you are doing something wrong if I think squeaky voices aren’t cute! So basically this movie looks and sounds awful!

For Not so Super Kids

***The Villain’s Final Form.. but also his weaker form..sometimes!***

So , so far we have established this movie is confusing, unoriginal, poorly written, poorly animated and poorly voiced, on top of being poorly directed. So this movie is a bigger pile of stink than Unicorn DooDoo..which let me tell you, doesn’t smell of roses or cupcakes either. It doesn’t feel like a love letter to Dragon Ball either… it really feels like someone who doesn’t understand DragonBall… or anime tried to make money out of it. It has everything kids think is cool right? So this gotta sell?! They also planned for Super Kid to be a tv show but this movie did so poorly those plans were cancelled fast, and for good reason. There is no passion here… and even a bad product can be good if there is passion. Look at movies like “The Room” or one of those fan made Pokémon games I keep playing. That really lacked for me from this movie .. in everything.. . Even in Uwe Boll’s movies I see some passion…a passion for objectifying women , sure but still a passion. You can tell someone somewhere had fun! Here.. I don’t think anyone had fun creating this. I hope I am wrong.. but I can’t escape this feeling.. the fact that this movie has been on YouTube for three years without it being copyright stricken applifies this that no one cares.

It’s an inoffensive movie that doesn’t drop the ball as much as Uwe Boll did, but it also isn’t as fun to watch. Where the latter’s direction feels like the delusions of a madman here.. there really is nothing. Characters gain powers at random to suit their needs, Rockpile , while entertaining explodes like 20 times in this movie and thus is immortal.. having no consequences and that goes for the entire movie. Stuff just happens. A kid may not notice but even the action isn’t that satisfying.. the hits feel cushioned and soft and I don’t think anyone actually throws a punch in this movie. So this movie is like a wet matchbook. It is something that you can say you collected.. but it looks like a cheaper version of that one well known brand matchbook… and other than the collecting value it’s pretty darn useless… and kinda soggy! Maybe it’s fun for kids.. but if it is it certainly would not be for the smart kids. Perhaps if your kid things your guinea pig or rabbit is a small dog, this might be entertaining.. but this movie certainly won’t entertain Super Kids. Or super many kids at that.

Normally I would ask.. have you seen Super Kid? But I am pretty sure no one has! So instead of sharing my Kofi down below (you can still support me on the side bar on my actual website) I will share with you.. the full Super Kid movie! Tell me how far you made it in before giving up in the comments and we can interact and be friends! First however I need to take a Supernap! Because Remember kids: Friendship is magic but dreaming is even more wonderful! Oyasumi

Pissy Princess Pinkie: Alone In the Dark.. an Uwe Boll Film

Hear ye hear ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new movie post!

My loyal guest and subjects, it has come to my attention that at times the blogosphere can be a bit sweet! We avoid negative posts, yet at the same time we avoid having overly sweet posts as well! Since I do sometimes really hate things and sometimes REALLY REALLY love things, I made two new columns, the one in the near future to discuss things I blindly adore… and one where we just rant on how bad something is! That can be really fun after all… luckily dear mister Boll can always provide content for the latter.

Boll Bingo!

Video game filmmaker Uwe Boll quits, but still gets the last laugh - Polygon

I am back to watching video game adaptations.. but I now am passing on the very mediocre ones, I am now only taking my anger out on the bottom of the barrel. Because sometimes being negative can be fun as well.. So I created a game called Boll Bingo. A series of ideas I expect from a Uwe Boll movie by now. I have become quite familiar with the abominations that Boll calls “work” . Just like you can recognise Tarintino by his dialogue style, character types and music chocies. This also applies to Mr Boll! God Bless his lack of skill! So there are ten signals that this is a shitty Uwe Boll Movie. These are the points I chose:

1. This Movie will be set in no specific location, and never will be.
2. The movie will feature a skimpily dressed female/and or objectifies women.
3. Fight Choreography will employ a lot of jump cuts and will not make any sense.
4. Stuff happens because the plot needs it to happen rather than a natural progression.
5. This movie is historically rather inaccurate!
6. Some scenes will look extremely ugly and fake… think “Original Sci-Fi Channel Movies
7. The main villain will not make sense.
8. There will be a LOT of bad writing and nonsensical scenes.
9. There will be a guy in it Boll uses for all his movies.
10. It has little to nothing to do with the source material.

Image gallery for Alone in the Dark - FilmAffinity

With these ten points we were well armed to take one of the most notoriously bad Uwe Boll movies ever. Alone in the Dark! Scoring a 2.4 on IMBD, and holding a 11% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes.. this is the Uwe Boll movie that not even Uwe Boll fans seem to like…and yes there are Boll fans out there! This movie gets the least amount of love! Which is a good thing for me.. because I HATE … and I mean HATE Uwe Boll’s sense of humor. So perhaps this one will be tolerable for me! Like many of Uwe Boll’s first movies in a series this starts some fairly famous actors in the form of Christian Slater and Tara Reid but also that main villain from the first Blade movie in the form of Stepehn Dorff. That usually doesn’t mean these movies are any good though.. but see why this movie sucks so much! Time for bingo. Let’s find out the score! Oh and speaking of cast Will Sanderson is in this movie! He plays in just about every Uwe Boll Movie so that is one point already! Woop!

The Joy of Horrible Writing

So let’s check point one?! Is the movie set in a location?! No! In traditional Uwe Boll fashion it is set in “the city” and “mines’ where are those mines? Somewhere in the USA , apparently both on helicopter distance AND walking distance from the city! Because set pieces need to happen and helicopters are all cool and military I guess. We also get treated to a ship out in the middle of the ocean, salvaging another ship that gets pilotted back to said city.. as soon as noises get quiet and AFTER the entire staff has been killed…neatly docked at a minor little peer as well! Even in the opening credits.. which are narrated by a very trailer guy sounding voice.. we never get a location. He mentions stuff.. but I am none the wiser. Thanks Mister Boll.. that is some horrible writing already done! Clever though.. this way you can swap between all sorts of sets and string them together by any mode of transport available! Dark Souls World Building for the win!

Point number two is however where we miss a point. The Story follows Christian Slater, playing Edward Carnby and Tara Reid portraying Aline Cedrac two characters that actually are in the game. Carnby grew up in an Orphanage..much like the games and has been infused with a parasitic life form that could turn him into a zombie like creature working for the forces of evil…but that parasite is dead cause he sat in a high voltage box thing when he was a kid. Aline Cedrac instead of being an archaeologist this time is an anthropologist. I have to admit, this is a smart choice as you can bind her more to the location she needed to be bound to. That being said.. she wears a white science coat, a pair of glasses and has her hair tied up. So she looks like a clip-art of a female scientist.

She studied Abkani most of her career and can read their ancient scriptures like it is nothing (But more on that later) .. yet is unable to correctly pronounce Newfoundland..and despite knowing this civilisation died out 10.000 years ago , and she is being chased by monsters released from Abkani tombs, she has NO idea why the Abkani would split a relic in four pieces and hide it on opposites site of the world. So she isn’t the brighest of scientist. To make up for it she does know how to be 100% accurate with an SMG despite probably never ever having held a gun. She has no sex scene with Carnby though.. so instead of a porn character we get a cardboard cutout based on female scientist clipart… A lot better.. but no point for me!

Alone in the Dark (2005) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

Luckily point number 3 is mine indeed best illustrated by the opening sequence. Carnby lands in the USA and the bad-guy who we see put out a kill order on Carnby.. tries really hard to convince us he is a good guy! Yet one of these zombie people that are a big plot point in the movie.. somehow managed to hijack a taxi with no one noticing and he begins ramming Carnby’s taxi. To escape a guy that clearly is trying to kill him at all costs Carnby orders the taxi to drive onto a crowded fish market.. so we can get breaking market stall footage. Edwards car crashes and he orders the taxi driver to allow himself to be rammed by the other taxi.. while Edward escapes.. punches a cop and takes his gun. Which is a revolver..because all cops carry those. It’s powerful as heck because next Edward shoots through a massive block of ice.. sitting on conveyor belts of an Abandoned ice factory.

The guy doesn’t die from being shot in the heart. So Edward decides he is best off punching this guy real hard. They randomly slide each other on these conveyer belts.. at the still abandoned lot, rather than killing him in the shadows the Assassin drags Carnby out in the open.. where there is a spike conveniently placed at the spot where normally a truck would park to be loaded up… but here there is a rusty spike..implying this plant ..filled with ice blocks has not been used in years. So of course Edward impales the bad guy.. which kills him .. and Edward walks off.. without the cop he punched and stole his gun from ever bothering him again. He is dressed in this really specific trench coat as well so it’s not like the cop would not be able to recognise him.. he just decided to let him go. All shots look kinda neat in theory.. but it tells no story at all and does not feel like a natural fight at all.

Thanks for the point Mr Boll!

Guns go Brrrrrrr

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

The last scene already illustrates point four is in as well but it gets a lot worse. The monsters of this movie are dark alien looking creatures that can turn invisible and disrupt the light because they emit some sort of emp…emp that only disrupts electrical currents that are far away from it’s source.. like lights on the grids but not flashlights. It would be annoying if the heroes could communicate through so clearly Walkie Talkies.. are too far from their power source so they get disrupted. The blood of these creatures that REALLY look like H.R. Giger’s Iconic Alien are called Zenoe…(such an orginal name) and their blood can cause kids to grow parasites that can brain control them when it is injected into them. When you inject the blood of a Zenoe into your system…when you are the bad guy it works differently however.. then you control the Zeno! To get an adult under control fast.. and turn them into a parasyte zombie, you can also make them swallow a Zenoe larvae which causes the creature to latch on to your spin and brain control you.. within a second after swallowing it.

Alone in the Dark (2005) Review |BasementRejects

So they sound like really powerful creatures yet they have a few weaknesses. They can hurt by certain specific frequencies of light and elements 75 to 79, the latter being gold. Ah they got the atomic number of gold correct! Gold can disrupt their electro communication and will instantly kill them…so of course to shoot them the government developed some sci-fi hi tech bullet which is made out of trapped photons and will a luminescent film. Basically.. weaponized light.. in ultra specific frequencies. Gold Bullets would work.. but that sounds way more expensive right?! The biggest weakness these creatures have however is that they seize to exist at the end of the movie! We get a lot of shoot outs filled with machine guns (that had their power source destroyed yet still work) and one overstylised duke nukem like clip with everyone killing the Zenoe and their zombie humans.. but in the end… a million Zenoe survive…On the surface there are at least a dozen left.. except when the movie is over.. they are all gone. That is one lucky weakness! And plot convenience point in the bag.

Is the movie historically inaccurate?! Yes, the Abkani are classified as a native American tribe, which in many ways they are but Boll more often than once associates Cherokee like artifacts with them, while in actuality they were closer to the Mayan’s and aztecs, and while the McGuffin of the movie does fit that style.. the museum the first half o this movie is set in misses the mark completely… but I guess that makes sense as Aline is not a good scientist. Now I am nitpicky here..but if your movie is about an Abkani artifact and 70% of the movie is about deciphering some Abkani artefact, I’d use actual Abkani script. Boll doesn’t do that, in fact he uses a font so blatantly non native American I really REALLY noticed. As a European we do not get a lot of American history.. but I could tell whatever that script was it was not Abkani. So I googled it to see if it might have been lost to the Annals of time.. but no it’s not. Not a single letter resembles Abkani. The games do a much better job! But who cares about the mystery and the creepiness.. this is Alone in the Dark movies! Guns go Brrrrrr! And when they do… they look ugly as heck! So yay for more points!

What am I watching here?!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

So you may have noticed I haven’t really told you yet what this movie is about… and that’s not because I did not want to.. but because I do not know. Carnby finds a relic.. and discovers his history is filled with mystery.. while an evil scientist wants to collect all four artifacts.. to open a gateway to a dark realm. He wants to open this gateway because ……….. he found a door I guess?! Carnby goes on a journey to discover he was an experiment and the organisation he once worked for created these alien type things.. except seconds later we see they did not.. they just exist in the dark realm as well. Aline tags along because.. she was there. Yet the best thing is the villain. He needs a coffin to be opened to unleash the Zenoe..but he doesn’t want it opened or the Zenoe released..

He wants the relic piece that is hidden in this sarcophagus..because he needs it to release the Zenoe from that door thing. He also manages to capture one.. despite hiding on a ship to weak to fight them.. cause their blood in his system makes them control them! So with all of them he might be able to rule the world or something?! He never tells his goal.. just that he wants this portal/door opened… which is located in his secret base by the way. Which was build in an ancient Abkani trap thing filled with evil worm things…which is located in a mine somewhere near San Francisco I think. So I guess that is the bad villain point obtained! As I really have no clue what he was about! Like none! Everything contradicts itself.

Game - Movie Review: Alone In The Dark (2005) - Games, Brrraaains & A Head-Banging Life

Are there any other nonsensical scenes?! Yes.. just about everything! There is a war against the Zenoe going on top of the mine.. but it doesnt contribute anything to the story, the events do not change at all from it… AT ALL. But I know guns gotta go BRRRRR because Alone in The Dark is such an action heavy guns go BRRRR kinda franchise. The best scene we get right at the end though. Carnby and Aline need to get into the secret base so an ally blows up a wall for them with a packet of explosives.. they casually stroll away as the package leaves a perfect door shaped hole for them! However mere moments later when the gate to darkness has been opened and a million or so Zenoe come running towards the group to destroy the world.. the rival character takes out a single packet of explosives and throws it and now he blows up seemingly himself and the entire mine! Only Carnby and Aline escaped. The soldier lived as well is later revealed.. but they leave him for dead anyway and the movie doesn’t bring him up again so probably he died.. and the movie ends with Edward and Aline being attacked by a Zenoe.. or seemingly so.. in broad daylight.. the one thing that killed the,. So I guess a point for stupid scenes as well.

GG Mr Boll

Dear Mister Boll, you have really outdone yourself this time.. sure the movie is not as gross and toxicity masculine as your other flicks, but this might be one of the worst written movies I have ever seen… and I have seen Birdemic and the Room… this feels than either of those! There is also NO style to this movie. It’s about a native american tribe yet the main music theme has arab style instruments to it, one combat scene is hyper stylised filled with heavy metal music while the second battle scene is shot like a war movie with yet a whole other style of music. The acting is god awful as well, especially from Tara Reid. She is just there and goes from dork to badass and there is no character there.

Alone in the Dark streaming: where to watch online?

So many scenes could have benefitted from a second take, and there are so many inconsistencies throughout this movie. Aline has a wound that constantly changes position, Edward I am pretty sure has a shape shifting gun, no one notices a museum being shot up, ice is sitting at an abandoned plant! You know Ice melts right Mr Boll?! You know ice doesn’t completely disintegrate from a single revolver bullet right? A sheet of ice would.. but this thing was massive. You know that building a ladder directly next to a pitfall trap isn’t a good idea either right? Also the fact that this pitfall has not been discovered in an active mine or a formerly active mind would beg the question how much work these mine workers actually did.

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Internet Movie Firearms Database - Guns in Movies, TV and Video Games

This is a horrible HORRIBLE movie! It isn’t even so bad it’s good.. it’s more of an enjoyment that something can be so fundamentally wrong! I always claim good and bad is just a matter of opinion, and I stand by that, this in the eyes of the (VERY VERY) drunk beholder might be mindless entertainment.. but you really need to be practically braindead if you think this is a cohesive story. Everything pulls you out of it.. so just for a moment Mister Boll, you made me think that factually bad movies exist! If there is one.. besides Manos Hands of Fate, your movie might be the one! You are the Ed Wood of your generation! Guys if you want to see a disaster without people actually dying go watch this movie! It is complete and utter Bollshit!

Have you ever seen this movie?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie?! Do you think Uwe Boll will come and beat me up?! Do you know a bad movie you want me to review? Let me know in the comments! Let’s talk a bit because you know! Friendship is Magic! Time for a little princess nap! *Quack* Oyasumi!