PlayStation – Pinkie's Paradise

Paradise Hill: Origins

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE HILL

… I never really understood how I got there until long after I was already apart of the town. The last thing I remember is seeing Cookie walk into a fog. I followed in after him wondering where he was off to. He seemed quiet and more focused than usual. Eventually the fog grew so thick I could barely see directly in front of me. I called out for Cookie to no response.

It felt like I had been walking for days. Eventually the sand of the beach turned into asphalt and I began following the lonely white road line to keep some sense of direction. It felt as though I was traveling in dream years. So quickly through time that it gave the illusion of time itself standing still. When all at once the silhouette of a sign jutted out through the mist.

“WELCOME TO PARADISE HILL”

That was a few weeks ago I believe. But it could have been years ago. Time is a concept very rarely regarded in Paradise Hill. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry. I stood with the letter in my hand. I couldn’t believe it. The letter read:

“NOTICE OF EVICTION”

I stood shocked. I had fallen in love with the town. No traffic, no lines, no one to bother me. The fog made certain things and people a bit harder to see but really, once you got used to squinting all the time it was quite the destination. It had all of the makings and charm of your typical north west lumber town.

Nurses between shifts walking down the road together. I seem to see the same group every day after I wake up, hop out of bed and take a shower in Paradise Motel. “Hi ladies! Working hard or hardly working?” They always seem to get a kick out of it.

When I did leave the motel room in it was in short bursts. Run to the corner store and pick up a six pack – stop at the diner and use the kitchen to cook up a couple of steaks and then stroll merrily back through the blurry black and white white fog to my hotel room. Occasionally outside some loud fire siren would go off and it’d start to get dark outside but i never seemed to have an issue with it.

Just like anywhere else – you keep to yourself and no one tends to bother you. Not even in Paradise Hill. Until now.

As I read the eviction notice the board of directors at Paradise Hills sited a few reasons for my cause of eviction:

1.) LACK OF LODGING EXPENSES PAID: It’s true. I wasn’t paying rent. I mean no one ever asked. One time some guy with a huge hat knocked on the door and just sort of stood there and walked off. But I didn’t know if he was the landlord or just a creeper.

2.) THEFT OF GOODS AND SERVICES:

– (5) Welcome to Paradise Hill gift shop shirts

– (16) Six packs of Paradise Hill Ale

– (2) Bottles of sexual lubricant

– (1) Copy of The Titanic

– (1) Copy of Silent Hill: Origins

3.) FAILURE TO FACE YOUR OWN INNER DEMONS/ BE CREEPED OUT

Mr Winkle. Please – keep the goods you have procured and please leave town immediately. You are no longer welcome here at majestic Paradise Hill. Also your Sea Lion has been returned to your home safely. Please do not speak to any one on your way out as you have been creeping out the other residents for quite some time now.

Sincerely,

PARADISE HILL TOWN HALL

I packed up all my belongings as some beautiful sad music began playing from no where and I backpacked out of town. As I was on the outskirts of town I heard cheers of celebration. But before long I saw the bright lights and sights of Paradise again. Like a tilt-a-whirl through the dark. As I walked through the crowd no one seemed to notice me.

It dawned on me that I was now trapped in Paradise Hill forever. I was free to travel across the globe but no one would ever see me again. Only maybe being able to detect my presence here and there like that one movie with Sean Bean in it.

Which I was completely fine with. I began to think of the possibilities of my new invisible life. I could sneak into Area 51 and finally figure out what the hell that place was all about. I could get into concerts for free. I could haunt people! This was going to be great. But my first mark was a hot dog stand I saw off the path near the coconut’s huts. I grabbed a roll and reached in the hot water and grabbed a hot dog. I slapped it into the bun and took a bite. Ah. Delicious hot dog stand hot dogs. Disgusting and delicious and now free for the rest of m-

“You gonna pay for that?”

Turns out I wasn’t invisible. And I wasn’t getting free hot dogs for the rest of my life. I walked home.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: March 4 2008

Developer: Climax Action (Sudeki, The Italian Job)

Published: Konami

Well back to reality and really sad gaming. Today, we have a case of a game that might have been alright if it wasn’t associated with such a strong franchise. I also sort of wanted to use this opportunity to explain what little work that does actually go into these posts and the sad consequences that result from playing (generally) nothing but bad games all of the time.

Not pictured: The Cry Hole that I crawl into after hours of bad gaming.

When Pinkie and I had a check in conversation (now that she has a palace built it’s become a whole event with feasts and festivities etc) she asked what I was working on. I told her I was planning on starting Silent Hill: Origins. She responded with, “isn’t that the really bad one?”

Which surprisingly it’s not the really bad one. It’s just not a really good one. Which sums up this game perfectly. If it were named anything else it would probably be considered a forgotten but slightly above average survival horror game – starts off kind of lame, picks up and ends in an absolutely nonsensical way. Put the words Silent Hill on the case however and now you’re looking at a lackluster experience.

In the game you start off as rootin’ tootin’ truck driver, Travis Grady. He’s driving his MAC Truck getting his kicks off Route 66 and all that when he spots a little girl in the road. He swerves to avoid her (as most human beings tend to do) and stops to get out and investigate the scene. Looking for the lost child, he sees her approaching from behind him in his rear view mirror only to disappear which scares the shit out of him but certainly doesn’t deter him from abandoning his vehicle and walking miles and miles in a thick fog in the middle of the road.

Eventually this leads Travis to a house fire. He spots some weird broad hanging out by the burning house and runs in because of course he does. And he rescues some kid that’s torched like a marshmallow. Eventually passing out – he awakes in Silent Hill to go search for the french fry kid and madness ensues.

Now, if I may – first off – I am a Daughter Daddy. She is the light of my life. When my wife was pregnant I think I surprised her by crossing my fingers and hoping for a daughter and we were lucky enough to get a bright, beautiful, healthy little lady. I fucking love that kid. BUT – I have watched enough scary movies to know that if I’m out in the middle of no where and some creepy little girl is hanging around – I’M NOT FOLLOWING HER. I DON’T CARE. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Alright, with that out of the way lets cover a couple of things that this game does really nicely. The sound effects and soundtrack are top notch – Silent Hill quality. Like all other SH soundtracks, composed by the master, Akira Yamaoka. The absolute badass Thom Yorke-esque dark genius of video game soundtracks. The sound effects and music are unnerving and uncomfortable – aptly suited for the atmosphere.

I want to recommend this game so much more but it breaks my own personal cardinal sin of gaming: difficulty due to controls. There is nothing I hate more than fighting a game more than the story or gameplay itself.

Controls and saboteur camera angles are what takes this Silent Hill entry out at the knees. The storyline and voice acting isn’t seminal by any stretch of the imagination but it’s not noteworthy poor. The puzzles are weak and there is a lot of backtracking (RE style) – also not a lot of actual area to explore. For an open town the game has you on rails for a good majority of it.

Camera angles that can really get in your head

The game does certain things right but it does so many little things wrong that it begins to become a serious distraction. The small unnecessary changes are enough to anger longtime fans. The nurses now see and react to noise/light/everything – just another static sprite that is easy to avoid but lacks any of their signature creepiness.

You can pick up large heavy objects to toss at monsters – which is cool – but kind of pulls you out of it as you go through your inventory and realize that your character is carrying twelve portable TVs, three filing cabinets, sixteen I.V. drip bag stands and six different guns. I am not a huge fan of Resident Evil’s death-by-no-inventory-space strategy but how many fax machines can one guy hold?

Not to mention you don’t even really need weapons most of the time. The ability to punch your enemies is overpowered for a survival horror game. I have beat up so many nurses in the past week I could star in my own episode of COPS.

Bottom line: Please for the love of all things holy – Konami – if you are going to outsource one of your flagship franchises please let it be to Kojima Productions. I don’t give a shit what beef you guys have. Figure it out and lets do this.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Now here is where it gets tricky. To be frank, even the bad games I adore. I just love playing games. I love buying them, I love looking at my horrible collection of bargain bin trash just as much as any rare games I find. Like little trophies made from melted garbage can lids. They’re mine and I absolutely enjoy playing and writing about them.

Generally, on this blog I deal almost exclusively with cheap games. This game? Not very cheap. Luckily for me, I purchased this years ago before everything Silent Hill exploded in price online.

I would never, ever tell anyone what to buy or what not to buy. I wouldn’t even judge anyone for buying Rule of Rose for $16,999. I mean, I would hope you would find it cheaper but whatever at the end of the day it’s your money, you work hard for it, you spend it on whatever you want.

Right now it looks like it’s averaging about $110-120 on eBay.

Is it worth $2300? I’d have to give it a hard, “no.” But I clean pools for a princess that pays me in bad games – so you do you. I would suggest checking out eStarland or Lukie Games over bid sites for collector’s series games like Silent Hill. There are a ton of gougers that will buy everything up just to raise prices even higher upon resell THUS continually driving up market prices for regular gamers like you and I. Dicks.

DESERT ISLAND SONG

The classic that can get anyone in the mood. Even if it’s for Origins:

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One blood stained trucker hat. (Silent Hill: Origins)

Suggestions? Requests? Send me a message!

Meeting God in Shattered Skies

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Another week on Paradise – which means more pool cleaning, lawn mowing and preparation for coconut tourist season. But this week a different task led me down a dramatically different path than usual.

It all started with orders from the top (as it normally does). However, instead of a bad game frisbeed through my hut window like normal there was just a map of the island, a small note from Princess Pinkie and a pair of Power Bracelets left at the breakfast bar. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in. My guard Dog/Sea Lion, Cookie had spent the night at the reef somewhere off the coast with one of his girlfriends.

“HEAVY. ROCK. LIFT. MOVE. 🦆”

I sipped my coffee and held the note. The morning had started off rare as it was. I woke up in a green tunic. Which I chalked up to a combination of too much to drink the night before and laundry day.

Second, earlier that morning there was a bright large bug that kept yelling, “HEY” at me trying to wake me up. Eventually – completely irritated – I arose and squared up with the bug and boxed it. After punching it out of the air I tossed it’s strange, unconscious faerie body in the garbage can outside and laid back down.

Now there was this note. Rarely did I exchange much correspondence with the palace as is. I’ve always been the self motivated type. Wandering around the island looking for things to fix up. Generally assuming if I’m found busy my employers will almost always be happy. But a personal request – this was different. And the Power Bracelets looked badass. So equipped with my newly found gauntlets and tight-but-comfortable-green-tunic I set off towards the boulder that must be moved.

Upon arrival I saw the large rock that needed moving. There were some strange plants around it. They looked like cartoon bombs 💣 growing out of some weeds. I assumed they must be some sort of land mines left over from the war – Princess Diana did her best to have all land mines removed and eradicated from ex-war-zones but Paradise is a bit out of the way. They must have missed a few.

I, personally am not fucking with a bomb of an undetermined age sticking out of the ground. So I avoided them. Maybe I’ll put some caution tape around the area once I move around them and get this rock out of here. In other words: bomb disposal : outside my pay grade.

So removing the rock itself was extremely anticlimactic. I just lifted it over my head and tossed it. These gauntlets are excellent quality. The startling thing was this strange music I heard from everywhere around me as I lifted the rock. I quickly realized that by moving the rock I had exposed a hole. A seemingly bottomless pit.

Despite everything in my body telling me this was a mistake I decided to jump down the hole anyways because fuck it – why not. And I’m glad I did. I landed softly on a mirrored pad – where I heard a gorgeous harp – the sound of a running fountain and a relaxing, disarming ambience. I, was sure I was in the company of pure good.

As I approached I heard a powerful roar. A voice so beautiful and strong – easily the strength of a choir of people singing from the depths quickly approaching the fountains surface until completely breaking through the still water. A giant faerie? Or a giant god? Or the… unbelievably talented singer songwriter, Chris Cornell??

Chris Cornell emerged from the faerie fountain completely dry and all knowing. It wasn’t until now that I realized one of my favorite singers of all time sort of already had a Jesus look going on for awhile on his own.

His voice soft but firm.

Cornell: Periwinkle – I have been watching you from afar.

Me: Mr. Cornell – Why… I’m .. so… flattered.

Cornell: Of course you are. You have projected me. You wouldn’t pick someone you don’t like to be a faerie God…I mean.. think about it…

– Silence –

Me: Yeah. Yeah I s’pose you’re right.

Cornell: ANYWAYS… let’s see .. where was I – alright… As I was saying. *Clears Throat* Periwinkle – I have watched your self destruction from afar. It’s finally time, son.

Me: It’s time to move on? I can come with you? I have been waiting for thi-

Cornell: No! What’s the matter with you. You’re not going anywhere. It’s time for you to play a good game, finally.

Me: Oh. Well.. yeah, of course…

Cornell: Between back to back terrible titles like City Crisis and Trigger Man your heart meter is so low. Which is why I’m here. To provide comfort to weary travelers. Let me blow the life back into you.

Me: Wait.. wha – … like a ..sexual thing?

Cornell: No. Definitely not a sexual thing.

—- Neither makes eye contact for what seems like forever ——-

Cornell: I was going for like a game cartridge thing. Like when it wouldn’t work –

Me: Yeah, yeah I get it.

Cornell: But, anyways! You have suffered selflessly enough for the coconuts on Paradise. Trudging through horrible games to warn the visitors and retro enthusiasts on Paradise of the perils of bargain bin gaming. What games to avoid. Selflessly diving on grenades to save the masses. It’s time to treat yourself, son.

Me: This means so much… what game can make me love again? Can you, Grammy Award winning multi-instrumentalist, Chris Cornell show a guy like me how to live?

Cornell: Young Periwinkle – I can only steer you in the right direction. I can recharge your hearts and give you one single title to get you back on track. After that your destiny is in your own hands. Before I leave I suggest you take that bottle over there and make sure you bottle a little golden mini me as well. In case you ever find yourself dealing with Trigger Man level of incompetence in the future again.

I heard the flute noise and felt my energy being restored. *Flick flick flick flick* ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Golden Chris Cornell Faerie God also handed me a copy of Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies.

I grabbed the empty bottle and put a tiny Golden Chris Cornell inside it for later use. The floating Cornell smiled at the new lease on my gaming life.

With my arms out stretched over my head a floating bottle with a tiny golden statuette rest in it. You have acquired a Golden Cornell. Let him free to recharge your energy and soul.

Chris Cornell: Now before I go, son. Do you have any questions? About anything in the entire universe?

I thought hard.

Periwinkle: When is the McRib coming back?

Cornell looked extremely disappointed. Shook his head and floated back into the faerie fountain. Apparently it was such a good question he couldn’t even answer it! Or it was really bad. Eh, who cares?

I stood with my arms raised with a copy of Ace Combat 04 floating above my hands. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A COPY OF A PLAYSTATION 2 MASTERPIECE, ACE COMBAT 04: SHATTERED SKIES.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: November 1 2001

Developed & Published: namco

I have such little experience writing about how much I enjoyed a video game that I am almost completely at a loss. I have messaged Pinkie nearly every day telling her how much I love this game. I have told my wife. I have told my friends. I have told the dog next door. Everyone after day two or so just eventually starts to roll their eyes.

I drove to New York City to profess my love to Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies while standing on the top of a skyscraper but there was already someone doing it. This game is a masterpiece. Beautiful, sad, fun, easy to learn but hard to master. All of the good stuff.

The game itself is about a future world where some asteroids posed a major threat to the planet. Mankind built a gun to shoot the asteroids and it didn’t really work so now we all live on one shitty continent. Naturally because we’re human beings we begin a war over land and resources and the “bad dudes” highjack the massive asteroid gun and you have to stop them. Sounds simple and stupid but it isn’t. The storytelling is so well done, exploring the human condition in times of war.

I’d also go on record and say this game is a top ten ps2 game graphically. Some of the colors, graphics, picture-esque skies and backdrops are still breathtaking to this day. With 2021 eyes that is quite a feat.

It even has a beautiful replay mode that you can exploit and slam your jet into the ocean all cinematic like:

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

I understand that this was a big series back in the day but it passed me by twenty years ago. I have noticed that most of my fellow ps2 collectors are around my age. A lot around mid 30’s. So when these games were out we didn’t necessarily have the money or the time to buy these games on our minimum wage grocery store paychecks.

But here’s where the news gets even better! I picked this bad boy up for $2.99 at a flea market. On eStarland you can find it CiB for $9.

On EBay I’ve been finding it for about $3.99 which is a great deal.

But as usual – there are ridiculous price gougers that deserve to be shamed. Like this fuckface:

Regardless – without paying this guy $599 – if you are a collector or just a fan of retro games this game is well, well, worth its budget price tag these days. And if you’re an emulator player – get on it! You don’t have to be a jet or a war enthusiast to enjoy this game. I recommend it so much – I had to create a new cocktail because I refuse to put it on the list with all the other bad games. So here is the good game cocktail ingredient list!

PERIWINKLE’S GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS

1.) One liter of Jet Fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)

The Haunted Mansion on Paradise Island

by Colin 19 Apr 2021

DESERT ISLAND SONG:

If nothing else – if you have skipped this entire article – which is fine – do yourself a favor and listen to this. I needed a harp version of a Soundgarden song to tie in Cornell w/ Zelda. And because the internet rules here we are:

Alright I think that’s it. I’m actually working on another surprisingly good game right now. I’ll see you guys next week. Have more ps2 gems it seems everyone missed out on? Let us know! Comment below or Hit me up on social media (Instagram has been popping lately!) Until next time, Coconuts.

CSI: Paradise

Before I spent my days skimming pools on an exotic island resort dodging endangered baby Chinese Alligators that Sunny keeps putting in the pool I was a crime scene investigator. A blind, dumb and slow crime scene investigator that despite all physical and mental odds against me still managed to solve five mysteries.

I’m alone, belly up to the bar at Pinkie’s Tavern. A low lit place with smooth jazz and smoother drinks. I look at myself in the warm reflection of the glass behind the bar and then back down at my stiff drink. The singer – some dame with moth wings – purrs in the corner. Nick the bartender comes up quiet but stern.

“Listen, pal. I don’t know what kinda night you’ve had and I don’t wanna know. But I do know that it’s last call and I don’t want to but if I have to just know I‘ll haul ya outta here myself.”

After nights like these it’s hard to just go home. After seeing what I’ve seen for so many years I thought I had become immune to the horrors of crime. Only to be proven wrong yet again – and on this lovely island resort of all places. I will surely take the aftermath images of the Flaming S’mores Killer with me to the grave.

I pay my tab and slowly turn from the bar, adjusting my hat. I turn to look at the singer once more and notice the stage has turned into a load screen. Odd.

I go to step out the door and get hung up on a bar stool. Damn not again.

I’m guessing the bartender is now ordering me out by his body language but I can’t tell because all dialogue has muted itself.

I awake in a cold sweat. Relieved to know I am not some tortured detective in some B Noir Film but saddened that I, again, woke up on the same planet as the game developers that made CSI: Three Dimensions of Murder.

CSI: 3 Dimensions of Murder is based off the hugely successful original CSI television program that ran a jaw-dropping 15 years (2000-2015). Ted Danson was even in it at one point? And Elisabeth Shue?? AND Laurence Fishburne!? Where was I for all of this?

Heyyooo forget 911. Somebody call the fire department

So anyways – Ted Danson, Elisabeth Shue and Lawrence Fishburne weren’t around to save CSI: 3 Dimensions Of Murder. Not that it was the casts fault. The voice acting for its time is pretty good. I mean compared to a lot of shit I’ve played it holds up. But the game is just so damn buggy.

Developed by American developer, Telltale Incorporated (known for their licensed game efforts, The Walking Dead arguably being their most notable) and published by Ubisoft it was released for Windows in 2006. Later ported to PS2 on September 25th 2007. Which is probably why the game is so close to being good and falls short.

Telltale surprisingly went defunct in 2018

Chances are if you’ve never heard of Ubisoft you could give a shit about this article in the first place

The writing is good. It has five cases (which seems a bit small but they are pretty dense stories packed with twists like your typical CSI show). The voice acting is solid. Some of the shit the suspects say is hilarious and boss like this prime example of fed-up-with-the-world-biatch:

What’s frustrating about the game is that the only reason is it takes long is the constant load screens. Even for its era – even if it was early PS2 era it would have too much load time. Let alone 2007. The “playable” crime scene areas are super small – and will have a ton of evidence all basically in one place. Which is fine. Being an older gamer I still love point and click exploration.

BUT what sucks you out of the game is that once you collect the evidence you immediately have to go to the lab to analyze your evidence. *Load Screen*. Analyze your evidence. Now you need to question your suspect again. *Load Screen*. Ask one question. Get another piece of evidence. Return to lab. *Load Screen.* Analyze Evidence. Suspicion arises. Need to question suspect more. *Load Screen.* Question suspect. They tell ya to piss off. Now you need a warrant. *Load Screen* interrogating is granted. *Load screen*

I think you get the point. For every hour I play I might actually get about 35 minutes of gameplay in. That’s like fucking college loan interest rate ratio shit. It’s a six hour campaign but with load times you’re looking at sixteen.

So… aside from that… the controls are horrible. You can see a splatter of blood but ya just can’t… nope… little to the left… shit…to the right…fuck… back to the left. Got it. Sure is hard handling a Q-TIP out in the field.

After all of that – if you can get past it – and that’s a legitimate IF – it’s still pretty fun. Just don’t expect to solve any cases in a hurry. – Periwinkle

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

*Crickets*

Absolutely nothing. Either:

A.) People don’t give a shit about this post (Likely)

B.) Nobody ever played this game (Less likely but still up there)

C.) Both (Most likely)

*Womp – Womp*

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

Follow me on social media if thats your thing: https://linktr.ee/DarkCorners

Definitely not the reason I do this BUT if anything I write brings you joy and you felt like buying me a cup of coffee in return I would appreciate it wholeheartedly. https://ko-fi.com/colinsik

Thank you to The Dame With The Moth Wings for letting me pollute her space and tell Sunny that I already taught one of his precious Chinese crocodiles to play the harmonica.

I didn’t create the Reservoir Dogs game, I’m just dealin’ with it!

Most days on Paradise are quiet. Still relatively new to the island I try to stay out of the coconut’s and other staffers way just diligently cleaning out the pool, occasionally chasing Pinkie away from the staff laundry I just folded and barbecuing behind the small maintenance shed I call home. During the lull of the winter months, I’ve noticed the tourist traffic slow and with the extra time I like to spend quiet nights watching whatever DVDs wash ashore.

The other morning as I was walking about the beach planning my nightly maintenance routine I saw a familiar and beloved DVD case laying in the sand. I rushed over to it, gleefully. Filled with warmth and joy at the sight of one of my favorite movies. I began to clear the sand off the cover and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was.

It was Quentin Tarantino’s cult classic, Reservoir Dogs. For the PlayStation 2.

Developed by Volatile Games, a division of now defunct British developer Blitz Games Studio Limited – most known for their work on other licensed titles like: The Fairly Oddparents, Bratz and Spongebob and other sacks of shit that I’m sure will make its way into my crosshairs at some point.

Published by the quality publisher Eidos Interactive (who have since been taken over by Square Enix) The publisher is well known for their Tomb Raider series.

“First things fuckin’ last.”

The obvious cash grab doesn’t piss me off much – that is the nature of the beast. It’s not unlike Hollywood these days remaking classic films that never needed a remake in the first place. Rereleasing a movie with a new cast instead of ever actually giving fresh, younger writers a chance to show the world their stories. Hollywood feels that the world doesn’t need a new Charlie Kaufman. It needs a remake of Pride And Prejudice starring The Rock or something.

The abhorrent targeting system doesn’t bother me much considering I’ve lived on PS2 planet for quite awhile now and have fully disconnected from the much smoother controls of more modern consoles and games. So I can handle bad third person shooter targeting systems. I grew up with them. They practically raised me. It’s like that meme about some shithead witch telling a lion about magic and then the old magic lion saying something about he was there when it was written. Was that a Narnia meme? I thought I had it around here, somewhere. Anyways, thats like my usual work day – working with a bunch of strapping young lads and ladies fresh out of high school with their whole lives ahead of them and then theres me … an old, miserable magic lion…alas… where was I?

It only pisses me off a little that if you happened to never see the movie before playing the game you’d have no fucking idea what’s going on. Considering it offers little to no backstory and just assumes that everyone in the world has already seen the movie. Even as you play through the movie plot the unbelievably bad voice re-enacting iconic scenes is even more distracting than the poorly drawn characters that look nothing like the regular actors.

Generally the story consists of a 44 second clip of a massive plot point that isn’t elaborated on at all – using the incredibly small story window between playable chapters to only mimic legendary scenes from the film. On top of all of this Mr. White’s character is voice acted by that dude that played the fire chief in the Denis Leary show, “Rescue Me”. And once I placed it I just couldn’t not hear it.

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or are you gonna bite?

So alright, I’ll cut to the chase. The thing that pissed me off most about this game? The story can be completed in about three hours. That drives me bananas. Imagine it’s 2006 and you just paid $55 for this game brand new and finished it within three or fours? I hate that shit.

Rule number one about making a video game based on a movie. Make it at least two hours longer than the movie itself you, morons.

Alright so with that off my chest the good part about this game? Is the Tarantino soundtrack. Some classic gems per usual. One I will showcase a little bit later on. The game has a really simple play style meter – between professional and psychopath. The more violent you are the more psychotic your rating and that can alter the ending a bit.

Ultimately the game destroys all of the glorious subtleties of the film and just turns it into a run and gun blood bath that is short, repetitive and exploitive.

Pee In The Pool

So of course – begging the outside world for attention and interaction has essentially failed yet again (even though I stubbornly refuse to give up) I did receive a little feed back on a poll I asked the harsh, cruelly tight lipped internet.

While I also got sympathy love from Kuro and Pinkie as per usual. 😂

All in all the worst game I have played for the blog so far, a game that lacks any sort of charm, thoughtfulness or respect for its original creator and rabid fan base. – Periwinkle.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients (In order of how enjoyable.)

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

Are You Ice Cold Counter Terrorist Special Agent Jack Bauer? Take The Quiz To Find Out!

As A Pool Boy, I often have to wade through pool water, when the heating is broken, or late at night to reclaim what Island Guests, have lost! As a Result I am often very cold… Ice Cold! Are You Ice Cold Counter Terrorist Special Agent Jack Bauer? Take The Quiz To Find Out!Chances are you aren’t. I had to find out that I wasn’t special agent Jack Bauer myself the hard way. The hardest way one person can find out. By playing 24: The Game.

Anyone who has ever said that life is short has never played 24: The Game. Based on the hugely successful American television program, 24 the game takes place in between the TV shows third and fourth season. Filling in plot holes, adding additional context and content for hardcore fans. That kind of thing.

For those that have never watched the show – myself included (I was well aware of the show while it was on I just didn’t have a desire to watch Keifer Sutherland bust up terrorist scum back then) the show follows special agent Jack Bauer during his work day which apparently lasts twenty four hours? Because Terrorists never clock out.

Anyways, he shoots people, interrogates and tortures them like some sort of one man Guantanamo Bay. All to save Los Angeles or the Liberty Bell or whatever. You get the idea.

24: The Game picks up between the third and fourth seasons of the show but it really doesn’t matter. It’s not rocket science. It’s pretty easy to figure out what is happening upon starting the game. It’s a third person shooter, with all sorts of puzzles, driving and interrogation mini games. The “fun” police work I guess, considering that all the mini games are much more fun then the actual missions of running around screaming at people to put their hands up and killing them anyways.

24 was Developed by SCE Studio Cambridge – later restructured as Guerilla Cambridge most known for its MediEvil series (and shut down in 2017) during 2005.

It was published by 2k Games for the PlayStation 2 and released February 27th 2006. Essentially the game starts as Jack Bauer and his counter terrorism unit foils a plot to assassinate the Vice President. One thing leads to another and you learn a bit more about the man behind all of these nefarious plans and his connection to Jack Bauer in the past. I won’t really go into it because I’d hate to spoil a fifteen year old video game based on a twenty year old show for you.

And besides. That’s not why you’re here! You’re here for the quiz! The one thing that unites all internet users regardless of race, religion, gender, sexuality or political affiliation. We all want to know more about ourselves and I think that’s admirable. Even cute. Anyways the, “ARE YOU ICE COLD COUNTER TERRORIST SPECIAL AGENT JACK BAUER” quiz will be divided into three parts.

1.) The Basics. This is where a lot of expert quiz makers put basic questions. Yes, that was obnoxious sarcasm.

2.) Physical Fitness. This is the part of the quiz where we’ll gauge if you, the quiz taker, are as physically gifted as Special Agent Jack Bauer.

And finally my favorite section: THE QUOTES. On a scale from one to five we’ll access how much or how little you agree or disagree with a Jack Bauer quote (or a, ‘Bauerism’ as I like to refer to them by)

But before we begin the quiz I do have a new regular section to announce called, “PEE IN THE POOL”. Generally in theory it will consist of me choosing a subject – maybe asking a question about it to vast internet and everyone answering and all of us being amazed and blown away by how similar we really all are especially when sharing a love for something.

Which leads me to my current bone to pick with society as a whole. Twitter specifically. In the week leading up to and during writing this entry I canvassed the harsh terrains of Twitter and Instagram in the search for hardcore 24 fans. Feeling inadequate at fairly explaining the protagonist’s badassery I figured I’d hand the mic over to some true Jack Bauer fans and let them sound off and shut all the haters up for good.

But it never happened. Despite asking nicely, coercion, threats and begging no one would respond to my tweets. Some sympathy likes and retweets here and there but the response was clear. No one gives a shit about Perwinkle The Pool Boy and/or the world has moved on from Jack Bauer.

But I can’t accept that.

It’s much more believable no one answered any of my Tweets because I was coming off like a weird lunatic. Which is true – I was. BUT what I find completely unbelievable is that the country would turn its back on a true American hero so callously. Today – Jack Bauer – tomorrow – George Washington??

The only two people who get any sort of recognition for interacting with my fever pitch tweeting looking for super fans is, Anthony Cox (@AJC2424) and Pinkie herself, who let me know quite proudly that she has over six billion plushed unicorns. So thank you, Anthony and Pinkie.

Welcome to the, Are You Ice Cold Counter Terrorist Special Agent Jack Bauer? QUIZ

Every “Yes” answer during the first section will add 5 Points each in your total score.

THE BASICS

1.) Is your name Jack Bauer?

2.) Do you have a steely cold stare that can hesitate even the most volatile of criminals?

3.) Does your day start with a countdown clock?

4.) Are you a Federal Agent in any capacity?

5.) Has the Canadian actor, Keifer Sutherland ever portrayed you in a television series or movie?

Part 2: Physical Fitness

Again, Every “Yes” answer during the first section will add 5 Points each in your total score.

1.) Are you Canada’s sexiest export?

2.) Can you sprint for an unlimited amount of time?

3.) Does your voice sound like old country road gravel in a glass jar of warm whiskey?

4.) Do you yell the word, “Dammit!” 80-90 times a day?

5.) Can you carry all of America on your back so it can sleep soundly safe from it’s almost infinite amount of enemies?

On a sliding scale from 1-5 – choose the number based on how much you relate or, “feel” this quote. 5 being the most possible relation – you have possibly said this before or will soon. You feel this quote to the bone.

Quotes:

1.) “I’m federal agent Jack Bauer and this is the longest day of my life.”

2.) “I have killed two people since midnight, I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. So maybe… maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now.”

3.) “If you hurt my daughter I will kill you!”

4.) “You probably don’t think I could force this towel down your throat, but trust me I can. All the way. Except that I’d hold onto this little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest the towel, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. Most people probably take about a week to die. It’s very painful.”

5.) “Shut up, stupid! You just fired at a federal agent!”

6.) “I’m done talking with you, you understand me? You’ve read my file. The first thing I’m going to do is take out your right eye, and then I’m gonna move over and take out your left, and then I’m going to cut you. I’m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, where is the nerve gas?”

7.) “Our government has no integrity!”

8.) “By order of the President of The United States, PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!”

9.) “So help me God I will kill you, and you will stay dead this time.”

10.) “By the time I’m finished with you, you’re gonna wish you felt this good again.”

SCORECARD:

0-25 Jack Bauer Points: You are basically a terrorist. You don’t believe in freedom, America or the long arm of the law. You are a criminal.

25-50 Jack Bauer Points: You are a well adjusted adult. Much more well adjusted then the guy that spent a week writing a blog post about 24

50-99: You are basically a walking Kid Rock song. You drink Liberty from a fountain of kick ass. You sew American flags together to make it heavier in case you need to use them as a weapon. You are Paul Revere on steroids.

100: You are Keifer Sutherland.

Make sure to post your points in the comments below or hit me up @buffaloretro on Twitter to participate in the next mind numbingly dumb Periwinkle Pool Boy post

AND – before I go: I was going to start to list a bit of ingredients as we go on in honor of the games we’ve covered. This list of ingredients should be able to make you the perfect Periwinkle’s Low Hanging Fruit Punch.

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

Until next time – thank you to Pinkie and all of the other writers for letting me pollute their space – I’ve read articles by everyone else on the resort staff and they are all very talented writers. I think they just felt bad for me and let me aboard. But I’ll take the sympathy. 😘 – Perwinkle

Introducing Periwinkle the Poolboy: Cold Winter

Hello guys I am Periwinkle! A new STAFF Member! I am the Poolboy on Paradise Island! I was really eager to get started. So instead of letting the manager introduce me I will introduce myself. Occasionally when I’m not busy skimming the pool, watching from afar as everyone else has fun and socializes at the tiki bar I go off into my little shed and play twenty year old video games. On some special nights when all the chlorine has been dutifully poured and the pool filters hum majestically free of any rogue speedo bottoms I will write about the games I play and what secret wisdom they hold.

In this post we cover the 2005 first person shooter and delve into spy stereotypes.

Cold Winter is a 2005 first person shooter developed by Swordfish Studios and published by Vivendi Universal Games for the PlayStation 2.

Swordfish Studios was a British based video game developer best known for the game, World Championship Rugby. They would later be acquired by Vivendi Universal Games (who also published Cold Winter)

Vivendi was the publisher of the legendary, Half Life 2 and later merged with Activision creating the well known publisher, Activision Blizzard.

Cold Winter despite its unbelievably lame name is a delight. The best James Bond game that James Bond isn’t in on the PlayStation 2. Your main character is disavowed MI6 spy, Andrew Sterling. You are being held prisoner in a Chinese prison when you are saved by another agent for another spy syndicate that (OFCOURSE 🙄) needs your services.

My biggest gripe with this game is not its ten-years-too-late-brit-rave-scene soundtrack. It’s not it’s R3 to zoom controls (which is a minor pain in the ass) or it’s over-the-top limb and decapitation physics that are so ridiculous you have to laugh.

The largest problem I have with the game is it’s over used “Spy gets disavowed/goes rogue” trope. Used over and over again in nearly every major spy movie I’ve ever seen. Being born in the west during the Cold War, I have watched a fuck ton of James Bond and other spy films. All of them feature the rogue agent plot. ALL.OF.THEM. They also all feature the more fun typical espionage cliches and stereotypes engrained in me so deeply now I will never be able to unlearn them.

Like for example: Every western spy is a perfect shot, wears a tuxedo, USES HIS REAL NAME, **probably** has a drinking problem (??) and can and will seduce everyone in the room.

On the flip side of the coin every stereotype for counter intelligence is generally: unbelievably stunning Soviet femme fatale that is just as dangerous as she is sultry OR scarred up giant guy henchmen protecting Elon Musk style weirdos.

As far as stereotypes are concerned these are all pretty good. But are they true? I have no idea. I don’t know any spies and if I did they would be horrible at their jobs…because…well, they’re spies.

So… luckily for us, dear reader, there is a wealth of education and wisdom at our fingertips. Historians that have dedicated their entire lives to document every move of shadowy figures throughout history all to be used in a blog post about the 2005 video game, Cold Winter. It’s all come down to this, folks.

Here are some famous spies from Historylists.org

Sidney Reilley or the, “Gentleman Spy” was said to inspire Ian Fleming for his character, James Bond. Known to live an extravagant lifestyle he was eventually caught by the Soviet regime and executed. Sounds like this guy invented the spy stereotype.

A Dutch exotic dancer and suspected German spy during World War 1. She was ultimately exposed by the French and executed by firing squad in Paris. Later on evidence would suggest that Mata Hari was actually more of a double agent playing both sides. She was 41. Beautiful, dangerous, exotic. Boom. Spy stereotype confirmed.

Now I could see you start to say, “Well, Periwinkle… That was only two spies from one website. You are horrible at research and you have wasted everyones time.” And yeah – I’d have to agree with you. I’m not a good researcher and chances are this article did waste your time. BUT have we not learned something today?

1.) Don’t be a spy – you’ll probably die.

Go dust off your ps2 and pick up Cold Winter. It’s a fun, well crafted game. Above average for sure. Unlike my writing. – Periwinkle

Pinkie ignores the Master Race: My Top 5 Video Game Consoles

With a subpar laptop and a very big lack of competitive spirit .. PC gaming is oftenly not my thing! I use it for point and Click Adventures and I do enjoy some retro platformers on the medium but overall I must say I have always been more of a console and handheld girl! There is just something a bit more magical about these devices for me! They have a charm…but which ones are my favourites?! I see no way this can be taken the wrong way so here is my console top 5.

Console #5: Gamecube

The gamecube was a bit of an odd duck when it came out. It had less power than it’s rivals and it was so oddly shaped. With Luigi’s Mansion being the only “name worthy” Launch TItle Nintendo had to back it up. Sure there was a new Wave Racer and Doshin the Giant but it would take this machine a while to get some steam. Yet what we did not know was how good Eternal Darkness was, we did not know how good this machine would end up being. Yet the game-console that featured a miniature disc to play it’s game had very poor third party support. Almost all hits , with the exception of a very VERY few were all First Party titles. Super Smash Bros on the Gamecube is hailed as THE Best version of the game. The Wind Waker was amazing and many gamers have fond memories of Paper Mario and The Thousand year door. I am STILL waiting for a sequel to the amazing F-Zero GX! Mario Kart Double Dash was a bright pinnacle in the series and nowadays most of us know what a Pikmin is!

Yet no one really played the Gamecube ports of Call of Duty, Prince of Persia or Fifa. We had Super Mario Super Strikers instead! Resident Evil 4 , for a long time was a gamecube exclusive and it was amazing but if I had to think of a third party top 5.. I would struggle. So it was a very static console.. that did offer us some amazing and innovative experiences.. such like Four Swords adventures .. by linking our handhelds to our console! It had two very nice Pokémon titles as well in the form of Pokémon Colosseum and Pokemon XD Gale of Darkness.. in these days the XD is kind of unfortunate but back then we did not juste that emoji yet! It was all about that 🙂 on MSN! The worst thing about the console.. and this is a genuine pet peeve of mine was the fact that it was really hard to get controllers if you did not have the purple variant! I had to buy a black one back in the day because all the purple ones were sold out.. and I ended up with four different colours of controller.. I don’t like that clowney look! It as a console that had too many quirks but strictly based on its library it would easily be a few places higher.

Console #4: Playstation 2

The PlayStation 2 is the only PlayStation I ever liked. I prefered the N64’s soft but grey look over the edgy but more crisp graphics of the original PlayStation, I did not like Crash Bandicoot’s jumping into the depth of the platforms.. I lacked the feedback that Mario 64 gave me! Spyro I liked better.. but the collectables were a bit generic and lacked that level of satisfaction Mario’s one up sounds give you, or Donkey Kong’s soundtrack bestows upon you. I missed out on LSD-Dream Emulator and the amazing Bubsy 3D but overall I never missed the Playstation. PS2 However, I did it right for me! The controls felt more robust, I liked the graphics a lot better and it had better platforming heroes in the form of Jak and Daxter and Ratchet and Clank. While I do not dislike Spyro these had that flavour I was looking for. It also had the nicest controller and a very solid memory card. My gamecube ones kept breaking!

Playstation 2 had Final Fantasy X.. the last Final Fantasy game that I liked (excluding a realm Reborn) ..a game I have never finished.. not because I could not but because I refused. It also had the best Dragon Quest game off all time! In the form of the 8th installment. The cursed King. I really love that one! Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist of the Roses came out on that as well and I had way too much fun with that game.. even if it’s not all that good! There was this “ease” to Playstation 2 games, that kind of felt it was an evolution in some ways of Nintendo.. say if Nintendo was a Pikachu, PlayStation 2 was it’s Raichu.. everything worked just that slight bit better over there.. I do like Pikachu over Raichu most of the time in terms of design, cuteness and how Iconic it is .but Raichu just performs better. It became my defacto game for jRPGs and more mature platformers. I would play it until years after its expiration date.

Console #3: Xbox 360

When the next generation came along however I jumped off the PlayStation bandwagon. Xbox would get Oblivion Sooner, Xbox 360 got Kameo , elements of Power.. a collectable creature adventure Hybrid that really felt like a unique title and one I have always deeply enjoyed. This is the age where I did not really see a benefit in having a very specific console ..besides Nintendo for its titles.. because PlayStation and XBox became a bit more generic to me. If preferred Halo vastly over Killzone and since Microsoft now owned Rare .. I preferred that studio over Naughty Dog so I was pretty confident about my choice.. and while I never got my amazing platformers on the system I never regretted it and to this day it is the console I own most games on. With well over 80 games.. this kind of was my STEAM. Just.. a bit more space consuming and not holding it’s value as much.

I got the red ring of death but I neatly got it replaced so while maybe not as durable I really liked it better in almost every department. I like a white Console over a black one.. I like the flat surface so I can put more stuff on it.. over the weird rounded one of the PS3. I like the controller better and I certain as heck preferred Xbox live over Playstation online. I still feel the difference between a PS3and a Xbox 360 is almost neglectable but Xbox had more exclusive features I liked. Fable, Alan Wake, Halo, Gears of War. Back in the day I also emulated a lot of SNES because and the Xbox 360 Wired USB was by then the best you can get. I could combine both my gaming passions with this device! Plus it was very fun to annoy my friends in Soul Calibur by playing Yoda! Darth Vader wasn’t nearly as broken and not nearly as fun! I never liked Kingdom Hearts..which to me is the stand out reason to buy a PS3. So since I did not feel that compulsion the 360 became my mass gaming device! .. it did help that it had actual video games unlike the Nintendo Wii…which is mostly a pile of shovelware with a few impressive tech demo’s.

Console #2: Nintendo Switch

Number 1 and number 2 are miles apart in terms of favouritism from the rest. I genuinely think the Switch is one of the best consoles of all times, and the handheld to full on console format this device follows makes it unsurpassable. During the N64 era I considered.. should I get a playstation.. There are some cool license games on there. During the next generation I owned all the consoles save for the Dreamcast.. but PS2, Gamecube and the OG Xbox I all played. I always felt a call to the other consoles.. but not this generation. I have no pull yet towards the PS5 and the Series X..The Switch is all I need. It has the games I like more.. by factor a lot, it can be used as a handheld AND a console and it is more fun to play couch co-op. I do not care about the prettiest graphics, I do not care about the competitive online scene. I am here for the most complete and adorable singleplayer The Switch is a unique thing, with unique games and there is no real substitute. Spider-Man Miles Morales is just a very much shorter.. not even a full game.. version of that Other Spiderman game I own. I have A Call of Duty and I don’t like the 2000 extra mechanics they added in later on. Mario Odyssey though is a completely different game from Galaxy and I can play it in a different way. Pokémon might not be that different from previous generations yet the only real other way I get to play that is by playing clone games.

I like the menus on Switch , they are super easy.. I love that I can get Pink Joycons for it (even though I don’t have them because I just moved and they are super expensive) I love that I see it played everywhere around me and it’s not a “I am the biggest COD player” kind of culture. It’s .. “hey do you want to visit my island” .. “Hi do you want to trade this Pokémon”.. There is no T-bagging there not that drive to over-achieve. Sure I occasionally play Super Mario 35..but it’s more a “how long can I last” kind of thing rather than.. let’s humiliate my opponents. There is no flexing like “prestige” or golden Pokéballs if you win a lot in Pokémon online. Mario Party might kill friendships… which can be hilarious but it all feels so much less as measuring your online cyber fallus.. than I get from the other two. It does it’s own little thing and because of it is such a sexy little beast.

My favourite Console: SNES

Little video game consoles have actually shaped me as a person, but I do think the SNES had an amazing impact on me as an individual. Arguably the NES did as well but I was a much more passive participant in that one. I just got games for the NES from my parents and played them and sure Ducktales had a big impact and I fell in love with Mario 3, Megaman 2 made me me a better gamer and all that.. but it all was stuff that was handed to me. On the SNES I chose my games. I actively influenced what I wanted to play. I was much more busy with solving problems in Goof Troop, or finding a way to pass that Moose chase level in Micky Mania then I had ever been with beating Rocksteady in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.. the Arcade Game. Getting my SNES is the point where I start to remember my entire life.. my conscious memories.. it is also in the time I started to slowly lose friends and be bullied. So in a way this console became my safe haven.. my escape from my bad reality!

The games on the system are amazing. Genesis Does what Nintendon’t .. oh Bitcharizard please. The music on SNES was so more Vibrant.. the first Sonic game.. isn’t all that good meanwhile SNES had Super Mario World.. which was amazing. Star Fox showed us what was possible on a console and showed us we could move beyond 2d. Link to the Past is still one of the best Zelda games ever. Maybe it even IS the best Zelda game ever.. it’s a close one for me between that one and Ocarina. When we get Retro Games these days.. they are almost all modeled after what they would have been on SNES. I still love the heck out of that classic controller and holds the best RPGs that ever released. Final Fantasy VI (Or III) Chrono Trigger, Lufia II and Tales of Phantasia. It had some pretty sweet Sailor Moon games (though not available here) and other anime games. It had the Donkey Kong Games which to this day are some of my favourite games of all times.. and it let me feel pride for the first time in a long time. I might not be able to run properly.. I might suck a sports.. but I was the first in class to kill K.Rool! I just want a different direction. On the SNES I became a geek and laid the foundation for the weird amalgamation I am today and that makes it my favourite console! SNES Is part of my soul!.. The european version.. not the american version!

And those are my favourite game consoles! I would have liked to bring you a review of a game instead but my laptop crashed and I lost all my progress in Deponia as I had to restore my laptop to factory defaults being unable to complete it! So this had to make due instead! If you want to help me get a pc instead of a Laptop .. this is my newest Kofi Project so if you want to convince me of the power of such a thing.. please consider some Kofi support! Or just be a pal and leave your favourite console in the comments below!

The Time We Almost won A PlayStation 4: The PS4 Hunt!

Hello again my sweet island guests! It’s catch up week! So today I am posting something I wrote earlier! But I wasn’t fully satisfied with it! That way I can work ahead and can play around it. In this post I bring you back with me to revisit one of my geeky memories. A memory that takes me back six years. December 20th to be exact. It was the time I took part in a Playstation hunt.

What was the PlayStation Hunt

Let’s begin by explaining to you what the contest exactly was. This content was held in celebration of PlayStation’s 20the anniversary. To win a PlayStation 4 anniversary edition you’d have to travel to one of ten cities across the Netherlands in a cosplay or at least outfit based on some PlayStation games. You could download an app that would send you to a location. With it you’d get a quiz question that you’d have to answer. If you find the guy or gal working for Playstation at that location and gave them the answer for the questions and you were indeed dressed in Sony PlayStation themed outfits.. you’d be the happy owner of a brand new silver anniversary Playstation 4! While me and my friends already had a Playstation two participating.. a guy and a girl did not! So for their sake, or maybe to gather some event money for the group! We took on this challenge.

What we did not know however was this contest wasn’t really done with approval of the city! Maybe some higher ups knew but the people on the streets did not know.. and it would be that fact as well as one of my friends making a very silly mistake that would cost us that PlayStation 4. We would have won .. in fact we would have won the very first one. Instead we nearly ended up cancelling the entire competition. My amazing friend Fatima Minusima of whom I talked before invited me to join with about one week to spare. Which was amazing. I wasn’t a strong runner but I loved doing geeky things with them! Back then I was just starting to know them and I did not live in the same town as them yet. (Though 4 months later I would) There was only one problem… We had to cosplay! Outdoors…in December! Now this basically meant that any female character was out by default…unless I played that Anna woman from Tekken I guess.. but I did not have money for a fur coat! Nor could I make that outfit not look like I am .. something that is not a cosplayer. So to solve this.. I was going to have to get creative!

The Hunt for Cosplay

Luckily I do live in the best province in the Netherlands when it comes to getting cosplays. Limburg and Noord Brabant are the two provinces that celebrate “Carneval” which is a variant of Mardi Gras but mixed with american halloween.. but a wider variety of costumes. Think actual Mardi Gras outfits mixed with te Village people and you got a good idea what wanders through our streets. In Limburg (not sure about Noord Brabant) the season however already starts at the Eleventh of November, so costumes are fairly widely available for us. Even in my little home town. Of course I would not want to spend too much money on something like this because I already had a PlayStation! So I had a budget of .. what then was about 30 euro. Not an easy task. Yet our carneval store was also an army dump! In which you could get old military supplies for almost no money at all! What gave me my final idea was a big empty cardboard box sitting there next to army suits that has just been stocked.

I got myself a camo outfit I could wear a coat under or could at least wear normal clothes under, so I would be nice and toasty even if it was cold during winter. I got myself a pirates eyepatch for two euros and a jar or brown face paint for about the same amount including an application sponge! I found some gloves that looked just like the Big Boss outfit from Metal Gear Solid 3 and made a deal to get it all for 30 bucks. Those gloves weren’t priced yet and later they found out they cost so much more.. but well the owner of the store was a former classmate of mine so she did me a solid! I also could take the big cardboard box! I would be going there as Big Boss. I think that’s the character from Metal Gear Solid 3.. or was it actually Solid Snake.. I am never sure! I can’t tell them apart. Regardless! Playstation enough! So I was on my way. Fatima dressed up as Nathan Drake as well as her good friend Cherry. Fatima’s then boyfriend Joe came dressed as young Heihachi and the guy who did not have a playstation Ron came in a fox hound sweatshirt. Cherry had her boyfriend with her as well Dave. Dave wasn’t dressed up at all.. he was slightly Arab in look so I think he said he’d just say “I’m the Prince of Persia but it’s too cold here” if he was asked. It wasn’t that cold that day though! The young Heihachi Joe wasn’t naked underneath his vest he wore a old Heihachi Tekken shirt.. but I am pretty sure it was just a shirt.. maybe he had a jacket he could throw off! Not sure,

The Hunt Begins!

We traveled to Maastricht together! For us to do that I have to travel about 20 minutes in the train by myself and also 20 minutes by bus. Then we still need 15 more minutes of joined travel. I expected lots of people to be dressed up and going to this hunt so I would expect the train ride not to be that awkward. I was wrong. Apparently most people came by car. We had one person too many to drive so we opted out of that. Had we come by car.. we would have won that PlayStation. Or at least one of them. I was asked a few weird questions but luckily it was the weekend and it was carneval season. So it wasn’t all that bad. People did not dare to sit next to me though… which was nice because I saved spots for all my friends! Thank you people for not wanting to sit next to the weirdo with a huge box and a beard painted on her face really badly!

I met up with my friends and luckily I could geek out now.. at their train station a few other geeks boarded the train as well and we hung out for a bit. I at least got recognised as Snake/Boss so I was content. Coming off the train I came up with a plan de campagne. We would split up in three teams of two to maximize our chance of winning. Each group would start on one of the three major squares in Maastricht and would only run to an area that they can feasibly reach within 10 to 15 minutes. (Otherwise there would be bound to be a group there faster than you because people came with bikes and scooters and such). It would be best if we divided ourselves based on our speed. Instead the idea was opted for a girls and guys team. so we already were one chance down..but then Dave wanted to go with Cherry instead as he made their team faster. He was saying they could just abandon the slow person for a bit to win a PS4.. Since Cherry and Dave did not have a PS4 and Ron did not have on either.. the winning group would get first dibs. This resulted in the fact that I ended up being the one that would constantly be abandoned by my group because I do not run that fast, due to my issues with my motor skills. I was a bit saddened by that but we would make it work. I knew my way across town so I would be the map person, then Ron would use his internet to google the answer to questions and Joe would be the one to sprint to the goal and abandon us. So that way I would not be alone as much! It worked..except for the fact that Joe is REALLY bad with directions and never reads any signs! That last fact contributed to us losing the PS.

The Hunt goes South

My hunch that the three squares would be involved in the hunt was on the nose, the square we were headed to, became an active search zone so immediately we knew we had a shot at this. I don’t remember the question but I knew the password of the thing was Uncharted. It wasn’t a super easy question so it was not like .. “what game is lead by Nathan Drake” kind of things. When we arrived on the square the scooter squad was there already.. so I got in my box and snuck up to them.. I was slow so I just did a distraction! Which worked! I got compliments for the awesome idea of bringing my own sneaky box and they took some pictures.. literally of a cardboard box standing on the floor with a few feet sticking out…!
Sure go ahead! As my friends searched on we could not find the guy! Eventually my box disguise failed and the scooter squad went to search as well! They had a Dante with them! So while his friends weren’t a threat (as they had no PS gear on at all) Dante was still a risk! We had to find the Playstation guy first!

I realised that the guy did not seem to be on the pinged location when I suddenly realised that there is an underground parking space below this square. The entrance is just a bit further away. So we ran into the parking garage to go down below.. I was so sure we would find the guy there. I told Joe who outran me that at the end of the garage there was a stairs leading down to lower levels. If he could run there and search from the bottom up, me and Ron could cover the search from top to bottom. A solid plan! Yet Joe doesn’t listen to listen to instructions very well and he does not read signs. So when he found a door downstairs at the MIDDLE of the hallway he was thinking! Oh man! I am so slick! Despite me knowing this garage. His judgment lapsed and he missed a major sign.

Unfortunately the emergency exit sign!. Emergency exits are often foreseen of an alarm so people know there is an emergency causing people to use that door. It helps great against thieves as well. Some guards showed up and we told them what was going on. They told us if we could not present them to show our car or we would be kicked out. . We did not even have car keys to show . We got booted out and all cosplayers were banned from entering the garage. .. Well if a PlayStation representative was in that garage clearly they would not do that right?! Well after I tried to sneak in via the elevator and got a very rude security guy telling me I could not enter because dumb people like me would only get ourselves killed for something stupid as a video game. He also took a jab at my costume! So I puffed up my cheeks and stomped the floor and told him he stole 400 bucks from me! He told me to go find a real hobby! So I puffed my cheeks again! I asked him what sucked all the joy and fun out of him and left without finding out the answer.

A few minutes later the zone got cancelled no PlayStation was given away from it..as no one managed to reach the guy..and he himself got trapped in the parking garage and actually failed to get a signal out.. so his zone was just invalidated….even if I was smart enough to wait by the exit for him so I could see him pop up! Alas! Joe, now driven by frustration, was desperate to win the next one. We almost got this one after all. Zone 2 was all the way across town. About an half hour walk away. I told him we would never reach that in time because there are people on scooters and with cars as well. He ignored my advice and began running in the opposite direction. Fifteen minutes later we ended up getting a message the new guy was found.

The first guy got reactivated and had a checkpoint very close to where he was first I knew exactly where he was! But we now were well over 15 minutes out after all we just ran until I was fully out of stamina. Had we followed my advice and waited there..or even followed the ps guy I am sure we would have won still! But Joe’s Alpha moment made him command us to follow him. Now I was fatigued, Ron was a bit vexed with him and Joe was just frustrated. I was still having fun.. as I had no PS4 to lose. I do not care about winning. The other two seemed to be more driven than me though. Joe dashed off to reach the old location while we stayed behind. Ron knew nothing of directions in town so he stayed with the one person who did! Me!

The Hunt for Drinks

Joe doesn’t know the way in town though so he needed me, but he was a bit fed up with my poor condition, even though it’s medical not by pure choice. Bless him for trying so hard though. I know the shortcuts around town though. So when the fourth checkpoint came up we actually managed to make it to the location right before we got the signal the guy had been found we even saw him.. Just missed it again.. this time he was found by guys on bikes. When I say we, I meant Ron and me , Joe went the long way around arriving there very out of breath a bit later. When the next and second to last checkpoint spawned 30 minutes away we decided with a bunch of other cosplayers to go share a drink. We wouldn’t make that and even if we did we did not know the answer to the question. We could not even find it on google. Well the answer was on the internet but it was hidden in a 15 minute video or so.. not really practical. So we had some geeky fun with some other guys. Telling our story about how we blocked the other guys in the garage!. Apparently they were there as well and got chased out by guards as well they wondered who did that. We all realised that I should have just hidden in my box and then snuck past the guy! It was a nice drink and fun moment. Joe could let his frustration go.

The final checkpoint spawned way uphill and we and the other group started to travel together for a bit and honour would go to the fastest runner. So I was out! However I was needed for my familiarity with the land so I had to sprint in the second wave . However the weather was turning around. It started to storm a bit making sprinting even harder. That big cardboard box on my back was a big wind catcher so I fell on the streets as I got hit by a good gust. We all had a good laugh at how silly it looked to see Big Boss get done in by a gust of wind. As I lay down the new people helped me up . .but not before yelling SNAKE?! SNAKE?!!!! SNAAAAAKKKKKE! Halfway to our destiny we got passed by the scooter squad. I told the group that at that spawn point the guy most likely was in this garden/ small park like thing. There was nowhere he could hide and there was no way we could outrun the scooter squad! We felt more like drinking and geeking out with our new friends. Doris the Cardboard box got dumped in an alleyway and at the Mcdonalds Restroom I cleaned off my fake beard and took off my eyepatch! My eye hurt sooo much! Also running through a crowd without depth perception?!.. Not a great idea. I had several accidents. I wonder how Snake does it. While I was cleaning up my friends called the girls and Dave. They had gotten lost all the time so never got close. Together with our new friends we went to a little Irish pub.

We had a good laugh and the story of Solid Snake being blown over by a gust of wind got spread along the table.. as well the girls and Dave running into a hoard of other Nathan Drakes. When Ron began describing all the times I got hurt during this trip, I shifted the story to the parking Garage to tell Fatima Minusima about her boyfriend’s failure, in a playful way. We all agreed Joe had ruined the PS4 for Ron so we made him buy a round of drinks..for our traveled group.. not the ones who joined.. we are still Dutch after all. He offered but they refused. Instead their leader guy named Gary treated them to a round of drinks. We shared a few PlayStation stories and joked Ron would not get it..and just had some fun. Their team all had a PS4 but they really wanted the collectors edition. After three drinks we parted ways from Gary and his gang and went home..I bought a nice coat so I could carry my cosplay with me (since it came with a nice big bag to carry it in and I switched stuff over) and we went for Sushi afterwards… all in all, later I realised that with my new coat , which I still have as a warm rain coat, and the sushi I spent 80 euro’s that day hunting for something I already had and wasn’t going to get anyway! But I had a lot of fun! Even if I felt slow and could not keep up, which can be painful to be confronted with, there is something special about running around as a geek, meeting fellow geeks and just having some fun! It was worth it because I could be me! With people like me.. with friends! That in the end was what the hunt was really about…but Joe never gave Ron his PlayStation!

For Ron