ps2 – Page 2 – Pinkie's Paradise

I didn’t create the Reservoir Dogs game, I’m just dealin’ with it!

Most days on Paradise are quiet. Still relatively new to the island I try to stay out of the coconut’s and other staffers way just diligently cleaning out the pool, occasionally chasing Pinkie away from the staff laundry I just folded and barbecuing behind the small maintenance shed I call home. During the lull of the winter months, I’ve noticed the tourist traffic slow and with the extra time I like to spend quiet nights watching whatever DVDs wash ashore.

The other morning as I was walking about the beach planning my nightly maintenance routine I saw a familiar and beloved DVD case laying in the sand. I rushed over to it, gleefully. Filled with warmth and joy at the sight of one of my favorite movies. I began to clear the sand off the cover and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was.

It was Quentin Tarantino’s cult classic, Reservoir Dogs. For the PlayStation 2.

Developed by Volatile Games, a division of now defunct British developer Blitz Games Studio Limited – most known for their work on other licensed titles like: The Fairly Oddparents, Bratz and Spongebob and other sacks of shit that I’m sure will make its way into my crosshairs at some point.

Published by the quality publisher Eidos Interactive (who have since been taken over by Square Enix) The publisher is well known for their Tomb Raider series.

“First things fuckin’ last.”

The obvious cash grab doesn’t piss me off much – that is the nature of the beast. It’s not unlike Hollywood these days remaking classic films that never needed a remake in the first place. Rereleasing a movie with a new cast instead of ever actually giving fresh, younger writers a chance to show the world their stories. Hollywood feels that the world doesn’t need a new Charlie Kaufman. It needs a remake of Pride And Prejudice starring The Rock or something.

The abhorrent targeting system doesn’t bother me much considering I’ve lived on PS2 planet for quite awhile now and have fully disconnected from the much smoother controls of more modern consoles and games. So I can handle bad third person shooter targeting systems. I grew up with them. They practically raised me. It’s like that meme about some shithead witch telling a lion about magic and then the old magic lion saying something about he was there when it was written. Was that a Narnia meme? I thought I had it around here, somewhere. Anyways, thats like my usual work day – working with a bunch of strapping young lads and ladies fresh out of high school with their whole lives ahead of them and then theres me … an old, miserable magic lion…alas… where was I?

It only pisses me off a little that if you happened to never see the movie before playing the game you’d have no fucking idea what’s going on. Considering it offers little to no backstory and just assumes that everyone in the world has already seen the movie. Even as you play through the movie plot the unbelievably bad voice re-enacting iconic scenes is even more distracting than the poorly drawn characters that look nothing like the regular actors.

Generally the story consists of a 44 second clip of a massive plot point that isn’t elaborated on at all – using the incredibly small story window between playable chapters to only mimic legendary scenes from the film. On top of all of this Mr. White’s character is voice acted by that dude that played the fire chief in the Denis Leary show, “Rescue Me”. And once I placed it I just couldn’t not hear it.

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or are you gonna bite?

So alright, I’ll cut to the chase. The thing that pissed me off most about this game? The story can be completed in about three hours. That drives me bananas. Imagine it’s 2006 and you just paid $55 for this game brand new and finished it within three or fours? I hate that shit.

Rule number one about making a video game based on a movie. Make it at least two hours longer than the movie itself you, morons.

Alright so with that off my chest the good part about this game? Is the Tarantino soundtrack. Some classic gems per usual. One I will showcase a little bit later on. The game has a really simple play style meter – between professional and psychopath. The more violent you are the more psychotic your rating and that can alter the ending a bit.

Ultimately the game destroys all of the glorious subtleties of the film and just turns it into a run and gun blood bath that is short, repetitive and exploitive.

Pee In The Pool

So of course – begging the outside world for attention and interaction has essentially failed yet again (even though I stubbornly refuse to give up) I did receive a little feed back on a poll I asked the harsh, cruelly tight lipped internet.

While I also got sympathy love from Kuro and Pinkie as per usual. 😂

All in all the worst game I have played for the blog so far, a game that lacks any sort of charm, thoughtfulness or respect for its original creator and rabid fan base. – Periwinkle.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients (In order of how enjoyable.)

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

Are You Ice Cold Counter Terrorist Special Agent Jack Bauer? Take The Quiz To Find Out!

As A Pool Boy, I often have to wade through pool water, when the heating is broken, or late at night to reclaim what Island Guests, have lost! As a Result I am often very cold… Ice Cold! Are You Ice Cold Counter Terrorist Special Agent Jack Bauer? Take The Quiz To Find Out!Chances are you aren’t. I had to find out that I wasn’t special agent Jack Bauer myself the hard way. The hardest way one person can find out. By playing 24: The Game.

Anyone who has ever said that life is short has never played 24: The Game. Based on the hugely successful American television program, 24 the game takes place in between the TV shows third and fourth season. Filling in plot holes, adding additional context and content for hardcore fans. That kind of thing.

For those that have never watched the show – myself included (I was well aware of the show while it was on I just didn’t have a desire to watch Keifer Sutherland bust up terrorist scum back then) the show follows special agent Jack Bauer during his work day which apparently lasts twenty four hours? Because Terrorists never clock out.

Anyways, he shoots people, interrogates and tortures them like some sort of one man Guantanamo Bay. All to save Los Angeles or the Liberty Bell or whatever. You get the idea.

24: The Game picks up between the third and fourth seasons of the show but it really doesn’t matter. It’s not rocket science. It’s pretty easy to figure out what is happening upon starting the game. It’s a third person shooter, with all sorts of puzzles, driving and interrogation mini games. The “fun” police work I guess, considering that all the mini games are much more fun then the actual missions of running around screaming at people to put their hands up and killing them anyways.

24 was Developed by SCE Studio Cambridge – later restructured as Guerilla Cambridge most known for its MediEvil series (and shut down in 2017) during 2005.

It was published by 2k Games for the PlayStation 2 and released February 27th 2006. Essentially the game starts as Jack Bauer and his counter terrorism unit foils a plot to assassinate the Vice President. One thing leads to another and you learn a bit more about the man behind all of these nefarious plans and his connection to Jack Bauer in the past. I won’t really go into it because I’d hate to spoil a fifteen year old video game based on a twenty year old show for you.

And besides. That’s not why you’re here! You’re here for the quiz! The one thing that unites all internet users regardless of race, religion, gender, sexuality or political affiliation. We all want to know more about ourselves and I think that’s admirable. Even cute. Anyways the, “ARE YOU ICE COLD COUNTER TERRORIST SPECIAL AGENT JACK BAUER” quiz will be divided into three parts.

1.) The Basics. This is where a lot of expert quiz makers put basic questions. Yes, that was obnoxious sarcasm.

2.) Physical Fitness. This is the part of the quiz where we’ll gauge if you, the quiz taker, are as physically gifted as Special Agent Jack Bauer.

And finally my favorite section: THE QUOTES. On a scale from one to five we’ll access how much or how little you agree or disagree with a Jack Bauer quote (or a, ‘Bauerism’ as I like to refer to them by)

But before we begin the quiz I do have a new regular section to announce called, “PEE IN THE POOL”. Generally in theory it will consist of me choosing a subject – maybe asking a question about it to vast internet and everyone answering and all of us being amazed and blown away by how similar we really all are especially when sharing a love for something.

Which leads me to my current bone to pick with society as a whole. Twitter specifically. In the week leading up to and during writing this entry I canvassed the harsh terrains of Twitter and Instagram in the search for hardcore 24 fans. Feeling inadequate at fairly explaining the protagonist’s badassery I figured I’d hand the mic over to some true Jack Bauer fans and let them sound off and shut all the haters up for good.

But it never happened. Despite asking nicely, coercion, threats and begging no one would respond to my tweets. Some sympathy likes and retweets here and there but the response was clear. No one gives a shit about Perwinkle The Pool Boy and/or the world has moved on from Jack Bauer.

But I can’t accept that.

It’s much more believable no one answered any of my Tweets because I was coming off like a weird lunatic. Which is true – I was. BUT what I find completely unbelievable is that the country would turn its back on a true American hero so callously. Today – Jack Bauer – tomorrow – George Washington??

The only two people who get any sort of recognition for interacting with my fever pitch tweeting looking for super fans is, Anthony Cox (@AJC2424) and Pinkie herself, who let me know quite proudly that she has over six billion plushed unicorns. So thank you, Anthony and Pinkie.

Welcome to the, Are You Ice Cold Counter Terrorist Special Agent Jack Bauer? QUIZ

Every “Yes” answer during the first section will add 5 Points each in your total score.

THE BASICS

1.) Is your name Jack Bauer?

2.) Do you have a steely cold stare that can hesitate even the most volatile of criminals?

3.) Does your day start with a countdown clock?

4.) Are you a Federal Agent in any capacity?

5.) Has the Canadian actor, Keifer Sutherland ever portrayed you in a television series or movie?

Part 2: Physical Fitness

Again, Every “Yes” answer during the first section will add 5 Points each in your total score.

1.) Are you Canada’s sexiest export?

2.) Can you sprint for an unlimited amount of time?

3.) Does your voice sound like old country road gravel in a glass jar of warm whiskey?

4.) Do you yell the word, “Dammit!” 80-90 times a day?

5.) Can you carry all of America on your back so it can sleep soundly safe from it’s almost infinite amount of enemies?

On a sliding scale from 1-5 – choose the number based on how much you relate or, “feel” this quote. 5 being the most possible relation – you have possibly said this before or will soon. You feel this quote to the bone.

Quotes:

1.) “I’m federal agent Jack Bauer and this is the longest day of my life.”

2.) “I have killed two people since midnight, I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. So maybe… maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now.”

3.) “If you hurt my daughter I will kill you!”

4.) “You probably don’t think I could force this towel down your throat, but trust me I can. All the way. Except that I’d hold onto this little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest the towel, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. Most people probably take about a week to die. It’s very painful.”

5.) “Shut up, stupid! You just fired at a federal agent!”

6.) “I’m done talking with you, you understand me? You’ve read my file. The first thing I’m going to do is take out your right eye, and then I’m gonna move over and take out your left, and then I’m going to cut you. I’m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, where is the nerve gas?”

7.) “Our government has no integrity!”

8.) “By order of the President of The United States, PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!”

9.) “So help me God I will kill you, and you will stay dead this time.”

10.) “By the time I’m finished with you, you’re gonna wish you felt this good again.”

SCORECARD:

0-25 Jack Bauer Points: You are basically a terrorist. You don’t believe in freedom, America or the long arm of the law. You are a criminal.

25-50 Jack Bauer Points: You are a well adjusted adult. Much more well adjusted then the guy that spent a week writing a blog post about 24

50-99: You are basically a walking Kid Rock song. You drink Liberty from a fountain of kick ass. You sew American flags together to make it heavier in case you need to use them as a weapon. You are Paul Revere on steroids.

100: You are Keifer Sutherland.

Make sure to post your points in the comments below or hit me up @buffaloretro on Twitter to participate in the next mind numbingly dumb Periwinkle Pool Boy post

AND – before I go: I was going to start to list a bit of ingredients as we go on in honor of the games we’ve covered. This list of ingredients should be able to make you the perfect Periwinkle’s Low Hanging Fruit Punch.

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

Until next time – thank you to Pinkie and all of the other writers for letting me pollute their space – I’ve read articles by everyone else on the resort staff and they are all very talented writers. I think they just felt bad for me and let me aboard. But I’ll take the sympathy. 😘 – Perwinkle

Introducing Periwinkle the Poolboy: Cold Winter

Hello guys I am Periwinkle! A new STAFF Member! I am the Poolboy on Paradise Island! I was really eager to get started. So instead of letting the manager introduce me I will introduce myself. Occasionally when I’m not busy skimming the pool, watching from afar as everyone else has fun and socializes at the tiki bar I go off into my little shed and play twenty year old video games. On some special nights when all the chlorine has been dutifully poured and the pool filters hum majestically free of any rogue speedo bottoms I will write about the games I play and what secret wisdom they hold.

In this post we cover the 2005 first person shooter and delve into spy stereotypes.

Cold Winter is a 2005 first person shooter developed by Swordfish Studios and published by Vivendi Universal Games for the PlayStation 2.

Swordfish Studios was a British based video game developer best known for the game, World Championship Rugby. They would later be acquired by Vivendi Universal Games (who also published Cold Winter)

Vivendi was the publisher of the legendary, Half Life 2 and later merged with Activision creating the well known publisher, Activision Blizzard.

Cold Winter despite its unbelievably lame name is a delight. The best James Bond game that James Bond isn’t in on the PlayStation 2. Your main character is disavowed MI6 spy, Andrew Sterling. You are being held prisoner in a Chinese prison when you are saved by another agent for another spy syndicate that (OFCOURSE 🙄) needs your services.

My biggest gripe with this game is not its ten-years-too-late-brit-rave-scene soundtrack. It’s not it’s R3 to zoom controls (which is a minor pain in the ass) or it’s over-the-top limb and decapitation physics that are so ridiculous you have to laugh.

The largest problem I have with the game is it’s over used “Spy gets disavowed/goes rogue” trope. Used over and over again in nearly every major spy movie I’ve ever seen. Being born in the west during the Cold War, I have watched a fuck ton of James Bond and other spy films. All of them feature the rogue agent plot. ALL.OF.THEM. They also all feature the more fun typical espionage cliches and stereotypes engrained in me so deeply now I will never be able to unlearn them.

Like for example: Every western spy is a perfect shot, wears a tuxedo, USES HIS REAL NAME, **probably** has a drinking problem (??) and can and will seduce everyone in the room.

On the flip side of the coin every stereotype for counter intelligence is generally: unbelievably stunning Soviet femme fatale that is just as dangerous as she is sultry OR scarred up giant guy henchmen protecting Elon Musk style weirdos.

As far as stereotypes are concerned these are all pretty good. But are they true? I have no idea. I don’t know any spies and if I did they would be horrible at their jobs…because…well, they’re spies.

So… luckily for us, dear reader, there is a wealth of education and wisdom at our fingertips. Historians that have dedicated their entire lives to document every move of shadowy figures throughout history all to be used in a blog post about the 2005 video game, Cold Winter. It’s all come down to this, folks.

Here are some famous spies from Historylists.org

Sidney Reilley or the, “Gentleman Spy” was said to inspire Ian Fleming for his character, James Bond. Known to live an extravagant lifestyle he was eventually caught by the Soviet regime and executed. Sounds like this guy invented the spy stereotype.

A Dutch exotic dancer and suspected German spy during World War 1. She was ultimately exposed by the French and executed by firing squad in Paris. Later on evidence would suggest that Mata Hari was actually more of a double agent playing both sides. She was 41. Beautiful, dangerous, exotic. Boom. Spy stereotype confirmed.

Now I could see you start to say, “Well, Periwinkle… That was only two spies from one website. You are horrible at research and you have wasted everyones time.” And yeah – I’d have to agree with you. I’m not a good researcher and chances are this article did waste your time. BUT have we not learned something today?

1.) Don’t be a spy – you’ll probably die.

Go dust off your ps2 and pick up Cold Winter. It’s a fun, well crafted game. Above average for sure. Unlike my writing. – Periwinkle