Retro – Pinkie's Paradise

Periwinkle: Legend of the Purple Plunderer or something like that.

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

My eyes shot open.

I hear gravel cracking under tires outside my hut. I look at my alarm clock. Three thirty in the morning. I see the red glow of brake lights through my window shades. I hear a car door open up.

*Quack Quack* *Quack Quack*

I know whose Jeep this is. Only one person on this island drives a custom Duck Jeep. Complete with matching Duck Quacks as a keys-still-in-the-ignition-alarm.

I hear another door slam. Then palmate up the drive. I dress quickly. What could it be this late at night? Was it something I had done? Something I had said?

*Knock Knock* Two raps at the door.

Cookie sighs, rolling over on the couch trying to catch some ZzZz’s. Some Gaurd Seal he is.

I open the door somewhat guessing what this late night meeting could be about.

“Princess?

Princess Pinkie hands me a shovel and strolls back to the jeep. I examine the shovel and she turns around at the Duck Jeep. “Well? Are you ready?”

Not soon after we’re driving through the sandy roads of Paradise in the dead of night. We pass by occasional bonfires and coconuts enjoying their night. I, blink twice as I see Sunny hanging upside down from a tree. I, shake my head. I have to lay off the drink.

“So if this is about..” I start

“It’s not about anything. Granted you haven’t been showing up for your duties but Paradise is accommodating. The only reason I’m calling upon you now is because I may have found something that would interest you.”

With my interest peaked I gaze over towards the driver side as Princess Pinkie holds up what looks like a dirty old map. She keeps her eyes on the road ahead as I take the map from her hands.

“What is it?”

“I think it’s a treasure map.”

“Here? Treasure? On the island??”

“If that map is true. We should be approaching the spot soon” As we pull up to a secluded beach across the island. The sun not yet risen painting the sky a lighter shade of blue. We exit the vehicle and see that there is already a red “X” painted on the sand. We look at one another and shrug. I throw the shovel into the sand and only have to scoop one shovelful of sand up to uncover what lies beneath. It is a copy of the PlayStation 2 game, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer…

We both look at it on the ground. “Do you think that’s it?” I ask. Pinkie seems just as disappointed. “I mean.. shit. I don’t know.”

“I’ll try digging a little further”

“Yeah do that” she says as I scoop Pirates out of the way and continue digging.

The nine o’ clock sun is beating down on both of us collapsed on the beach. Hours of digging. No dice. The treasure is unfortunately the PlayStation 2 game, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer. Defeated we both rise and walk over to the Jeep. Arriving at my hut only a short time later Pinkie tosses the game on the seat after I get out.

“Maybe you were meant to play this game.”

Looking down at it. “Yeah…sure.”

I close the door.

So this game arguably has the longest trailer I have ever seen. Especially considering the average completion time on Howlongtobeat.com is around four hours. Which four hours really doesn’t seem like a long period of time. It’s only 1/6th of a day. 1/2 of a good night’s sleep (does anyone ever get a full eight?) no, four hours doesn’t seem long at all.

BUT THIS FOUR HOURS IS A VERY LONG TIME

So.. arguably part of this is my fault but mostly it’s not. Let me explain.

Back some time ago in my early 20’s I used to work at a Gas Station/Pizzeria type place. I don’t know how most of Europe works but I’m pretty sure you guys have the same idea – in Dublin I ate at some Irish McDonald’s knock off that was way better at a Petrol station. So people liked the pizza at this place and every summer – it was right down the road from where they held the county fair.

Now this county fair is a big deal. Every year. People really dig it and every year it’d usually be the same touring carnival staff that really dug our food. So working there while the fair was operating afforded you the chance to meet a lot of colorful personalities. But there was one particular person I’ll never forget because there was a part of me that envied him. I think.

This was at the height of the Pirates of the Caribbean craze and there was a man that would adorn himself in full Jack Sparrow attire and make up and well… he was quite a hit. Twenty year old me would watch as people surrounded him for photos as I pushed out pizza dough or made subs. Watching quietly from afar thinking things like:

“Wow… that guy probably gets a lot of tail.”

And

“Pirates of the Caribbean was the best thing that’s ever happened to this dude.”

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Well… it does sort of help explain my misconceptions of pirates and piracy in general. I, a relatively unpopular and lowly pizza boy saw this Johnny Depp look-a-like crushing it. And I should add a fun loving and mischievous, Jack Sparrow cosplayer that was melting the hearts of moms the world over while everyone else swooned.

As I sat there changing our fryer baskets I glared at the local star. As people gathered around I thought to myself:

“Probably never sailed a day in your life, you fraud!”

But neither had I AND there is absolutely no sailing going on in the deceptively titled, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer.

In fact, if you missed the five minute video at the beginning of the game you probably would have no clue this is a game based on pirates at all. There is no sailing, or drinking rum or singing songs. All you do is shoot monkeys in the face and fall to your death.

The story’s premise is sort of cool, if not a bit confusing. During the height of the slave trade – there was a slave ship on its way to a Spanish Outpost that found itself ravaged in the storms of the Bermuda Triangle. Where as legend will have it the legendary slave, La Borgne commanded a slave army that waged war on the nearby Spanish Outpost. They destroyed all that was in their way because well.. they were understandably pissed off. The Outpost was deserted and in nautical lore the island was considered cursed and dangerous but also of course, a terminal for lost treasures and riches beyond your wildest dreams.

At last, hearing nothing from the outpost for quite a while the Spanish Crown sends its most decorated captain out to learn the fate of the doomed ship. The revered explorer, Dominic Roberto De La Cruz (shout out to my friend, Filipa 🤗) As legend would have it De La Cruz would land on the island and battle La Borgne and her army of slaves but the outcome of this struggle is lost to the sands of time and De La Cruz was never heard from again.

Here is where you enter – as Francis Blade. A nobody rogue who finds himself as the sole survivor of a ship wreck marooned on La Borgne Island. It is here where apes and orangutans attack you for no reason whatsoever and you’ll spend hours upon hours swearing at your television as the game’s inconsistent and slippery controls fail you over and over again.

There is an interesting element (one that I don’t like and I don’t really think it makes a ton of sense) but after a little bit of gameplay you come across an Amulet. An amulet that gives you the power to morph into the “Black Buccaneer”. Whom confusingly looks like a mix between Baron Samedi and the Hulk. The artwork on the old screens are very heavy with the Baron Samedi aesthetic as well without any real mention of Haiti or Voodoo culture whatsoever.

One could argue that it’s not necessarily the developer and writer’s jobs to spoon feed the gamer every single detail but it sort of seems like a missed opportunity when you’re dealing with subject matter as fascinating as Baron Samedi and Haitian culture as a whole.

I like the idea of an escaped slave raging against her colonial captors through the use of brute force and black magic but why not run with it? It feels like a decent idea that was never fully realized. Which is basically the entire story of this game.

If they would have just tightened up the controls and upped the story a little bit you could have had a memorable adventure but instead they ended up with confusing plot accompanied by infuriating controls.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

I mean .. yeah .. it’s bad but it’s still worth more than one cent. Buy it if you see it for one cent.

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

I mean will any other song written about a pirate ever compare?

PERIWINKLE’S LOW HANGING FRUIT PUNCH VERSION 2.0

1.) Vin Diesel Skull Cap

2.) Shameless Voodoo Face Paint

Random Video Game Duck: Pinkie Plays Time Lord (NES)

Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie has returned with a gaming post!

Salutations, Loyal Subjects and Sweet Island Guests. One of the hardest things of a content creator is content selection! Now as I grow more discontent about reviewing, I decided to spice them up a bit! I wanted to do Reviews on Random content! Even video games! I love Retro Games and the way I used to play games in the past is go to your local video store and rent some video games! Only back then there was no internet! You randomly picked a game and played it! Zero idea on whether it was good or not! To relive that experience I found a randomiser that spits out a random classic console game! Today we played Time Lord on NES! But first.. my totally “original” intro lyrics.

^{<Disclaimer>
For the purpose of this format an emulator has to be used as many games on this list will be to obscure to obtain physically
<End of Disclaimer>}

Song intro

♫She’s Gonna Take You back to the past!♫
To play some random games really fast!
No walkthroughs! And No reviews! This is gonna be a blind playthrough!
Some games are good but most are bad!
She will play things she wished she never had!

She is the most random gamer, without much luck!
She’s the Random Nintendo Duck!
She’s the Random Arcade and Sega Duck!
♫She’s the Random Video Game Duck!♫

_{All credits to the James Rolph and the AVGN, this is just a spoof!}

Time to play Time Lord

Time Lord Screenshots for NES - MobyGames

Time Lord is a platformer game on NES! The game was released in America in 1990 and fairly limitedly in Europe in 1991. It was developed by Rare LTD and Published by MB Company. MB standing for Milton Bradley! Which is like the most 90’s sitcom character name ever by the way! The game is classified as a Platformer, but feels more like an early beat’em up, like River City Ransom. After playing through the entire game it is a bit of a mixed bag of reviews, with most people really liking it and some very much hating it! Once again I find myself a bit in between! Though I severely vere to the dislike side of things! One should note that I do this from the stance of a blind playthrough! I will admit that replaying this game now would make it a much more digestible experience but the first experience is …odd to say the least. No walkthroughs, No Nintendo Power! How manageable is the game?!

The goal seems rather simple! Each stage holds five time orbs! Collect them all and you beat the level! Travel through time to delete the influence of evil aliens on the space time continuum. And yes that is also the entire story of this game! You are told this and while I have no idea WHY the aliens have put 5 time orbs for you to function as a tutorial they did! However the tutorial is in no way similar to the actual game experience! So in stage one we gather five time crystals in our current time to hop back in time for the first time! And that is when the Dodo Doodoo starts to show up for me! The controls are fairly tight though instinctively it feels as if I am jumping with the wrong button and punching with the wrong button! That might be a fault on my end though! The game looks okay.. but kind of bland for a game that game out fairly late in the NES life span.

The Good, The Bad and the Clam!

If you read my blog and actually remember what I say, some of you might know that Turtles in Time is one of my favourite SNES titles out there and this game is VERY similar to that one! Just less advanced. You beat up enemies, travel through time and each stage has a boss! The time zones you visit are varying , you play through the future, medieval times, the wild west, the age of pirates, world war 2 and the future again! Every stage but one.. has a fitting boss (but more on the odd one out later) for example in the medieval times you fight a Dragon.. which feels like something aliens could put there to mess up time! Or in the Wild west you face a gunslinger with better weapons! Pretty good stuff! The stages look distinct and all have their own music. Controls feel okay, but could be a bit sharper. Having Select switch weapons is a great thing I wished to have seen in more games! The game is highly functional which given that I am going to play random games for the foreseeable future already is a big bonus! So I would not go as far as say that this game sucks donkey sausage or I’d rather eat a skunk’s rotten defecation exit than to play this game, but going as far as saying that this is a good game?! I ‘d rather not go that far either.

time lord nes Cheaper Than Retail Price> Buy Clothing, Accessories and lifestyle products for women & men -

This game has 4 major flaws that really and I mean REALLY spoil the broth for me! Let’s begin with the biggest gripe! Like most NES games this one can be finished a a manner of minutes. As long as you know what to do that is! The game only has six stages which is fair. which will take you about 20 ish minutes to beat! Which is a good thing.. because if you play the game for 24 minutes and 34 seconds and still have not reached the ending.. you will hit a game over! No further edits, you have to play the game from the very beginning! Which isn’t THAT big of an issue since the whole game can be finished in about 20 minutes…on paper. Now there is a problem in the main time zones! As this game requires you to SEARCH out the HIDDEN location of the time Orbs. Some of these orbs locations are REALLY cryptic as well.. such as having to pick up 20 mushrooms in the medieval level..or ringing the ship bell three times in the pirate level. So playing this game without hitting a game over blindly is practically impossible! And that already design wise is a chips load of fudge!

Listing of Nintendo NES games starting with the letter t - Page 5 - The Video Games Museum

This goes hand in hand with the second issue of the game! Many of the orbs in this game.. need to be picked up IN ORDER! Which doesn’t seem to bad but 3 out of the 6 stages make you do some serious backtracking! The worst offender of this is the World War II level who places an Orb right at the start of the game but you can only collect it last. So not only do you need to familiarise yourself with the location of the orbs, you also need to find the easiest way to get from A to B as you basically are forced to speed run this game. Some of the orbs found in the game require trick jumps to pull off and I haven’t been able to consistently do that even if I know how the controls work! Other orbs require you to make leaps of fate down a pit.. but since the game is in 2.5d you can still miss an item because you are to much in the foreground or background Climbing back up takes you about a 30 seconds to a minute, so if you mess up a few times to get the perspective run, you will inevitably hit a game over.

time lord nes OFF 66% - Online Shopping Site for Fashion & Lifestyle.

The third issue is that the game is rather stingy with lives! Enemies keep constantly respawning based on where you are in the level, so the backtracking will drain a fair bit of health! Especially in the later stages, where you need weapon upgrades to take down enemies without punching them a million times, your first run to get the items, which means you will get hit, then you have to backtrack to find all orbs which means you will take damage. If you arrive at the final boss with less then at least 2, 5 lives left I dont think there is a way to beat it! It’s damage is nearly unavoidable, which is only amplified that by the time you arrive there you will have just a few minutes left to beat it. So you will play sloppy! Other bosses can take away huge chunks of life as well.. but they can’t hit you at all if you find their golden spot and move in depth a bit while you can hit them no matter what plane you are on , they can only hit you if you are dead center.. if they hit you though you lose like half a life bar. The World War 2 boss i particularly hard and pretty much you will never make it through a stage in one go!

Time Lord (NES) Final Battle + Ending - YouTube — *_{This is how the final boss looks!}*

The fourth and final issue is that the final boss does NOT feel like a final boss! It feels like a scrub thing you encounter in castlevania! It’s three alien skulls on brains that spit birds at you! I knew aliens were my enemy but these don’t look like big bad guys! This looks like the guys R2D2 and C3PO take care off while Luke slashes at the real thing! I got really frustrated that a Mid Boss was kicking my ass.. until I finally got past it.. and realised I had beaten the game! It is not the worst boss though! The worst boss is in the pirate stage! You may wonder .. How do you fudge up a Pirate Captain?! Well it’s not a pirate captain.. not even a pirate! The villain in the pirate themed level… is a clam! And like a clam it doesn’t really do anything! You just throw daggers at it until it dies! Why would a CLAM be the thing aliens use to disturb time! I mean it’s a big one.. but why not give blackbear a lightsaber or something.. that would seem more effective jeez!

Chocolat and Clam covered Steak

On my last run, the one I knew I was gonna beat the game on, I had a fair bit of fun! The game isn’t bad, it’s design is just fundamentally wrong! To beat the game you basically are expected to run into 6-ish game overs at least. It isn’t all that difficult to navigate through these stages but the clock pursuing you punishes you for inexperience. You are literally unable to complete the game from inexperience! You can play flawless and not get hit YET still you will be forced into a game over.. because .. who in their right minds would try to pick mushrooms until a red orb appears in a beat em up game. Who would ring a bell three times to make an orb appear.. especially when an earlier bell shows up that just drops coins! Which only increases your score..but cost you time to get so why would you?! The core gameplay is fun.. but it is not rewarding to play as a gamer and goes against my gaming instincts of fairness.

I want to lose a game because I suck at the game! I want to get better! Just simply learning the map doesn’t count at getting better at the game! If I hit a Game Over because I hit the bell on the pirate ship too many times, I don’t feel accomplished if I skip it the next time around and DO find an orb in the next bell. I feel robbed! I don’t mind getting a bad ending for taking things slow.. take Metroid for example! That has a time limit as well but I can still be quite content if I beat it in a slow run.. here I just die! I played about 12 to 15 times, some of which was caused by pure frustration but one of them happened by time out in the final stage! I was just too slow in killing the World War 2 boss to get to that monster with as many lives as possible! As I believed he was a mid boss! That was very annoying!

This game is like grocery store steak and store bought chocolate mousse and take away clams. As separate elements they are super passable and enjoyable! We don’t always need fine dining and store bought can still be fine! The steak is seasoned pretty well, the clams while not the freshest and some taste a bit funky are still clams! It’s hard to fudge those up and the chocolate mouse is a great desert that most people would not say no to! The problem is this game just throws it all together. There is no way to enjoy your steak without tasting the clams and the chocolate mouse as well.. and it just doesn’t combine!

Houshou Marine (1,000,000 subscribers) : Hololive

I wanted a pirate boss! I love pirates! Marine is probably the VTuber I would make my wife! So the fact that I could have fought her in this game but I got a clam instead annoys me! I know I am into clams as well but NO! This is not a good stage boss! Who ever thought that was a good idea! This is clearly made by people who understood games and marketing.. yet the thing this game fails to understand is the gamer! That is why I would consider this game a failure! Speaking of which.. since this guy is supposed to be a Time Lord, where is his phone booth?!

Next installment of Random Video Game Duck.. we will launch a Sega Master System game? Will it be good? Will it be bad? I do not know! All I know is that it will be drawn at random! Any NES game you’d like to see me play?! Or do you hope I land on a particular Master System title?! Let me know! Oh dear.. the song is hear! I gotta go! Stay random!

♫♩ She’s the Random ………..Video Game ………Duck! ♩♫

Test Drive

Long before I had the luxurious job of emptying out hot tubs and scrubbing them by hand on Paradise Island, I grew up in a small town. One of those one stoplight towns – the type of place you read about in Stephen King novels and such. But no killer clowns stalked us as children and we didn’t form some sort of killing cult in the cornfields surrounding the hamlet.

No, we did basically what all the other city kids did and still do. Be discontent, listen to punk rock, drink, do drugs and walk around at night like the little miscreants we were. But there were a few perks to rural life – at least in the absolutely forgotten (but not forgettable) Upstate New York.

Small race tracks permeate upstate – from the western frontier to the mountain ranges of central and north east New York. While never being thought of as anything more than “NYC” – the state of New York is gigantic. Sprawling woods, The Catskills and Adirondack mountain ranges. Even Appalachia runs up through the southern part of the state.

Weaving in between all of this ski country are little towns and villages and many of them have their own little hometown arena of sorts: A racetrack. Usually dirt, some times pavement. Growing up in rural New York the races are just sort of rite of the land. Even if you’re not into them you’re well aware of them.

While easy to dismiss as just a muddy oval with a bunch of hicks driving around in circles (which it is) I challenge the most disinterested to not feel the rise in heartbeat and rush of adrenaline when the roar of thirty cars greets a green flag. The tension and white knuckle competition of dozens of men and women just going for it. That drive is intoxicating and in a small way still apart of me.

FANCY INTRODUCTION VIDEO

Now don’t get me wrong. I am about as far away from a country boy as you can get. Immediately moving to a city weeks before barely stumbling across the high school graduation stage. Fifteen years ago you would have seen me vehemently deny any such upbringing. But times change.

And in the gaming world nothing has changed more than my feeling towards the Test Drive series. A series I loved growing up with, enjoyed immensely and played regularly.

A month or so ago I received a big bulk package of games I purchased from Goodwill. There were a few titles I was very excited about adding to my collection (X Files: Resist or Serve being one of them) As I was going through doing inventory of repeat games and checking discs I saw Test Drive. I was overjoyed with seeing an old favorite. Sure that it’d be an enjoyable arcade racer that I could waste hours on.

I was wrong

Now to explain why I have to take you back in time a little. You see in the 90’s there were plenty of racing titles, arcade or simulation that featured American muscle, British luxury, German engineering marvels and Japanese speed. Typically these games were set in a few iconic places around the world where you would race beautiful rare cars against one another on lush English back country roads. Occasionally dodging livestock or a police car. It was sort of like some unspoken millionaire racers club.

This was just kind of the way it was. No one even questioned it. You just sort of assumed that anyone driving a Jaguar XJ-220 around was probably just some rich dickhead.

Until 2001 rolled around and the first of two hundred Fast and Furious films came out. Once that happened – arcade racing games would be changed forever.

*_{Ha! This old thing? This is just my winter car.}*

“The Fast and Furious effect of 2001” or “FAFE 01”(as I would refer to it years later in my college thesis at Yale University) not only changed the landscape of racing games dramatically but the entire world around us.

First off, men the world over shaved their heads. If shears weren’t an option then men and women rushed to their nearest skull cap store. Donning the new Diesel look. Vin Diesel mania had kicked off.

*_{Real time photo of him driving to my house to kick my ass.}*

By the winter of 2001 not only was most of the world bald but they were pumping iron as well and even more damning for the Test Drive series – the globe was demanding less luxury and pomp in their racing games and simply more Diesel.

So video games developers had to respond to the rapidly changing market and fast and here is where Test Drive screwed up. Instead of doing any sort of research whatsoever on street racing culture, the long storied history of street racing in iconic locations like SoCal and Tokyo (“The Midnight Club”) or I don’t know, even just watching a movie about racing they said the hell with it. We’ll figure it out as we go and it’s pretty damn obvious.

The plot is pretty simple. You are some guy named Dennis Black and you are contacted by some guy named Donald Clark. Clark is a rich idiot that reminds me of Elon Musk. He’s rude and mean and apparently wheelchair bound. I give the writers credit here for making a handicapped character a total dick. That’s all the credit they’re getting from me, though.

Basically Donald is injured and wants you to race for him. Never mind the fact that we’re assuming at this point he is some sort of ridiculous millionaire that is wasting his time street racing – which the prize is a measly $1000 per victory. I just feel like a guy that could afford to own Dodge Vipers and a Hemi Cuda would be interested in higher stakes money wise.

But what do I know about being a millionaire street racer? The answer? Absolutely nothing. I’ve never been a street racer and I’ll never be a millionaire so maybe these people do exist. Who knows?

So the story sucks but that’s of little consequence. The game ultimately is just not fun. The cars take no damage whatsoever – I hit a semi truck going 210 miles per hour and the semi truck flew backwards. The racers on the track are supposed to be these characters from cutscenes but they don’t drive with any personality. It’s a very dull, repetitive and lonely experience.

It’s sad to see what once was such a strong racing series fall from grace at the turn of the century.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Are you kidding me?

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

The soundtrack is probably the best thing about the game. But it’s not great. It’s a strange mix of Saliva, Ja Rule, Moby and DMX. Being an old lame ass dude my favorite of these artists is Moby. So, alas the Moby banger, “Bodyrock” is my favorite song on the game.

PERIWINKLE’S LOW HANGING FRUIT PUNCH INGREDIENTS V. 2.0

1.) Vin Diesel Skull Cap (Test Drive)

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Pretty Princess Pinkie – The Phantom of the Face Off Superhero Movie- Darkman

Hear ye Hear ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new movie post!

Greetings my loyal guests and subjects! If you are a bit like me you will have watched Taken and thought “That is a pretty good action movie with Liam Neeson….. but that whole daughter being captured is kinda cliché.. it would be so much better if he threw a temper tantrum over a pink plushie!” If you are not like me, there is a chance this movie might have flown under your radar! So no matter if we are different OR alike, today we will take a look at Darkman!

Behind the mask

Darkman is a superhero movie that was released on the silver screen in august of 1990, it starred Liam Neeson as Dr Peyton Westlake, who would later take up the moniker of Darkman. The movie is directed by Sam Rami, and is co-starred by Frances McDormand, a name people might recognise despite her kind of lacking any iconic roles. A quick IMDB search gave me no real “iconic roles” but she has played in Fargo, Burn After Reading and did a lot of voice works such as the Mamma Dinosaur in The good Dinosaur. The Antagonist of the movie, and it’s sequel is played by Larry Drake… who is best known for Darkman and Darkman II, but also was the voice of Pops in Johnny Bravo! See there you go!

The movie scores a respectable 6,4 on IMDB, which I think is a really good score for a 1990’s Sam Raimi directed superhero movie (and yes it has a Bruce Campbell cameo). While Liam Neeson played the role of the titular character in the first movie, the character was played by Arnold Vosloo in the sequel, which would not be a big objection this time around since the movie is about switching faces… but for some weird reason in the sequel they replace Liam Neeson as if he was Vosloo all along. If nothing else this movie ins an interesting peek into Neesons earlier days of acting, which was .. a bit different, and with the early 90’s direction AND Raimi at the helm.. we see Neeson’s version of “Bully Maguire” or Symbiote Suit Spiderman from the Raimi trilogy… just done a lot earlier… and this time involving a pink elephant and let me tell you it is great.

Julie Hasting (played by McDormand) is ..I think… in real estate, or a real estate lawyer When she discovers a big player on the real estate market is doing some illegal things trough a document, a crimelord by the name of Robert G Durant begins looking for these papers, for he is in the real estate market as well and with this document he can put pressure on his competitors and own the city! By mistake or plot convenience this document ends up in the possesion of Dr Peyton Westlake, boyfriend of Hastings and the man who one day wishes to be her husband. He is researching a synthetic skin solution that can be printed into any face based on a few photos. However the chemical compound of his masks degrades by exposure to light! The masks are fine…in the dark but can survive about 100 minutes when exposed to light. Durant finds Peyton and kills his lab assistant, electrocutes Peyton so hard his hands char up completely then traps him in an explosion ruining his face.. in a very similar style as to how Harvey Dent lost half of his face in The Dark Knight.

With many burns over his body Westlake can no longer face the woman he has proposed to.. he lost his scientific work and his assistant, he lost his hands.. he lost everything, so now he swears revenge…which is amplified because the hospital severed all his nerves. Peyton no longer has any input of pain in his senses.. which causes everything else, including his emotions to overload! Drapped in bandages , a raincoat and a wide rimmed had.. he plans revenge.. rebuilding this face printing lab in an abandoned factory.. and using these masks to take revenge on those who wronged him… unknowing it will cause his old love Julie to become tied up in this once again.

Face Flourish* …..Off!*

So in this movie we get Liam Neeson with enhanced emotions, and all sorts of B-Grade actors having to play Liam Neeson playing them, but Liam Neeson with Soap Opera emotions! This concept is amazing… When you watch Face-Off it’s great to see two of the most over acting Hollywood stars, playing the other playing them..in all their overacting glory. This movie.. let’s a handful of Hollywood Redshirts, play Liam Neeson.. who is forced to over act. Which is great because we know him as someone who is very stoic and composed. This is mixed with a very strong Phantom of the Opera Influence throughout and supplemented by the camp that is 90’s superhero movies!…And it’s directed by Sam Raimi! How can this NOT be good! This concept is just so amazing! What makes it even better is that a lot of the technology that is used in this movie, kind of, is relevant in this day and age. Sure we don’t have skin that dissolves in the light.. but the whole 3d printing and phone apps that can extrapolate a lot of data on your face make this movie all the more delightful to watch.

In this movie Liam Neeson infiltrates the Crime Network of Durant by making himself look like the henchman and of course like the head honcho himself. Now this already is a very fun criminal organisation, with your classical bald bruiser type guy, the sunglasses wearing cool dude with long hair, and the scruffy looking guy with an artificial leg that can be detached and used as a weapon! We have seen machine gun legs in a few movies.. but the way how this movie handles it is the GREATEST weaponised limb I have seen in movies. What’s different?! Well normally we see the owner of the weaponised limp use it… but not this time the cool guy just yanks the limp from the other guy and uses it.. or the scruffy guy hands it over to him.. but than just stands there.. hopping on one leg… that’s ALL he does! He takes of his leg and gives it to someone else to shoot it .. while hopping! Hilarious.. but it also makes a lot of sense.. cause you can’t aim when hopping! It’s things like this that really show me the movie isn’t afraid to have fun with itself.

Have you ever wondered how the phantom of the Opera just happened to find one of those half masks .. and also the right half for his face?! Well in this movie Neeson tries to print his own face.. but because his lab exploded the one photo he had of himself is damaged in the exact same spot as his real face! He tries to make his mask.. but he can’t he has to extrapolate.. and because he only has an old junky computer which was old in the 90’s.. turning that into a 3d model takes hundreds of days. Which sounds legit but nowadays it sounds hilarious! However it also shows us a bit in what timeframe this movie takes place it helps us feel the alienation, Peyton Westlake must go trough and it offers interesting challenges.

Every mission he does..which later in the movie includes dating his former girlfriend again.. has to be done in 100 minutes or his new face will melt! So when a Carny refuses him a price he won..with only a few minutes left on the clock… with his enhanced emotion Peyton just loses it, with over the top rage eye effects added in and mind snapping animations to boot.. it’s just the flavour of bonkers I am looking for! Honestly this movie makes Face/Off seem like a nuanced movie. Take the damned Elephant.. is something I never expected Liam Neeson to say in such a threatening voice, and it gets even better when we get into the classic, Shoot Him.. No Shoot him I am your real boss moments when a character is forced to shoot at one of the two similar looking characters. I normally find that something for a Cartoon but there are little moments and motions that really sell this for me. For example Peyton is super afraid the masks comes off so he is constantly tucking in his neck, it’s so weird to see a real actor.. straighten their own face.. but it really helps sell the illusion, it makes everything silly at the same time but I really love it.

Not so Dark….Man

This movie feels quite different from other Superhero movies as well, as Peyton does not really have much super powers, other than not being able to feel pain. He has to outsmart the villains, has to stake them out and thus he doesn’t patrol the streets at night, no he constantly stakes things out and goes for the slow burn. He learns routines, practices their voices, their quirks, and since Raimi wants to make the timer element much more of a thing, almost the entire movie , except for the grande finale, takes place during daytime. It’s the light that adds the suspense rather than the dark, and while I would not call the movie suspenseful, it really does add something that all fights take place during the day and we can see the doppelgangers in full colour rather than in a dim lit room to polish out some bad effects. While some effects clearly do not hold up.. the movie really commits to it’s style!

You can see the movie was released at the back-end of the 80’s as a lot of the criminal stuff kind of reminded me of miami vice, the bright coloured suits the gangsters wear, the over the top.. cutting your finger off with a cigar cutter thing, the fact the movie has to have a helicopter chase. It feels really dated….but in a good way. Sure lady in this movie is a pretty helpless damsel in distress, their is not as much representation in this movie and the technology this movie was based on now almost is a joke, but that’s also what’s so likable about this. It is not something that could exist in this form in this day and age, in almost any perspective. There is no real development for Peyton, the name Darkman is way to on the nose, the damsel is way too helpless and durants gang ALMOST look like Jojo’s characters, fashion wise. Even the way chinese restaurants look feel dated.. which made me feel like I was watching something that has gone extinct.. like the Buddy Cop genre. .. It had a lot with that genre in common in the cinematographic style as well.

There is something about the way this movie is shot, not a lot of fancy tricks, not a lot of dark broody hero poses making the hero look cool, no! He gets the job done and is nervous, keeping checking on his watch, At the ending we are shown there is another guy besides Durant who is all part of this whole construction situation scheme and he jumps around those metal girders of a construction site with ease, he has been on so many he developed a feeling for it, while Neeson’s character wrapped in a heavy coat and bandages has trouble. Never does he feel cool, or all that hero like..the camera really shows this as well. Feeling very VERY basic for a Superhero movie, the action doesn’t feel “cool” or stylised. We really get the sensation that this is just a guy out for revenge..with a lot of enhanced emotions.
Only those emotions are stylised which is neat because that fits the silly tone of this movie so well but also never makes the hero seem immortal. He does not feel physical pain..but he can be ashamed..he can be so nervous he is forced to run away and that’s just such a neat take on the genre.

Pink Elephant

I LOVED this movie! I still love it, even though I know the IMDB score of 6.4 is probably fair, to me it is so much more than that. Yes the acting is hokey at times and McDormand really isn’t good in this movie but for some reason it blends so well. Because the movie wants Liam Neeson and the “duplicates” to lean so much into soap opera acting, the hammy acting of the rest of the cast really works as well, they fit in the same universe. Darkman somehow is extremely cliché YET has this “pragmatic” style of film making to it that really sells it for me. The big bad doesn’t get taken down in a big epic satisfying way, it’s more like as if an opportunity arises and our hero takes it. That goes for all the takedowns. It goes for the movie making as well. It doesn’t come on screen as spectacular as you might want, sometimes even a bit clunky..but it feels very much intentional.

In the end I’d have to compare the movie with the a pink elephant plushie. Sure it’s not a giant bear , it also is made with some cheap looking plastic eyes and some overly bright fur and it’s not an iconic toy such as Pikachu plushie or whatever is on your Dakimakura and in many way it’s just a generic plushie.. but once you hold it and hug it, you can really appreciate how soft it is, how good it is to hug! It might not be something you display with pride.. but whenever you are feeling blue you can pull it out of wherever you hide it and have a great time and let it and all of it’s flaws and camp cheer you up! Great entertainment even if it’s nothing else.

Amazon.com: MaoGoLan Big Pink Elephant Stuffed Animal Soft Elephant Plush Toy 20'': Toys & Games

Have you seen this movie?! Did you like it?! What is your favourite cheesy Superhero movie?! Let me know in the comments! The Princess would like to know the thought of her subjects! If you liked this post please consider supporting me on Kofi! I am currently working on tiny projects to bring more content to the blog!

Celebrating Badass Video Game Moms

No bad games this week, peeps! Just some serious mom love. Not like that either you, deviants. I am far from being the only person that has realized that mothers are pretty underrepresented as far as video game characters are concerned. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. Let me explain:

In an industry that, until pretty recently, has been overwhelmingly dominated by males its not very shocking that programmers and writers are not out there writing about maternal badasses. It’s probably less a “stick-to-what-you-know” situation as it is a “write-for-who-you-think-is-playing” situation.

As we all know by now non -male gamers have always been out there but historically have been treated as a silent – if not completely forgotten – minority. That’s not to say just because you are a woman and a gamer you don’t totally love a badass male protagonist. But diversity is the spice of life!

So in honor of Mother’s Day weekend, here is a completely silly and random tribute to video games moms throughout the years. As diverse as all of our real mothers – these badasses prove that blood doesn’t always make family – in fact you don’t even have to be a human to be a good mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

THE BOSS (METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER

Alright alright – a few things right off the bat. For those of you who have been reading Periwinkle posts from the beginning I just want to say, “thank you.” Secondly, if you are one of those readers and are asking yourself, “can this guy just do a damn list without mentioning a Hideo Kojima game?” The answer is a hard no.

I can’t because it is nearly impossible for me to talk about my love for gaming without pointing towards something he has done. I’m a fan boy. You know this, I know this, once he finally accepts my love letters even he’ll know this – ahem – moving on.

The Boss is not winning any “mom of the year” awards and is a very far cry from your typical soccer mom. A hardened soldier, a World War Two veteran and Naked Snake’s mentor, their relationship is very, very complicated.

Every confrontation the two have throughout the game she teaches Snake another harsh reality not only about the battlefield but about human nature. Basically whooping his ass repeatedly until he stops making the same mistakes. Their final battle is haunting.

And even after all that Snake isn’t even her son. Her relationship with her real son, Revolver Ocelot is just as complicated in an entirely different way. What is for sure however, is The Boss’ legacy as a complicated badass being cemented in the hearts, minds and conscious of Metal Gear fans the world over.

Wrinkly Kong (Donkey Kong Series)

Alright so I have to admit that up until today I thought Wrinkly Kong was Donkey Kong’s mom. I was wrong. Turns out, Wrinkly is actually Donkey Kong’s Grandmother. Whom regardless still seemed to raise “DK the third” as her own with her husband, Cranky Kong. And anyways, Grandmas are still moms and grandparents still make great parents. So here we are with the not dangerous but unbelievably cute, intellectual and spry, Wrinkly Kong.

Making her first appearance in the unbelievably fun and still totally killer, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Quest she runs her own Kong College educating her little Kong grandchildren about the game’s items and tossing them hints. She also offers her place as a safe respite and a save point for the little ones so seeing her cute little face on the map always accompanied a sense of relief.

By the third DK Country she had retired from her career as an educator but still offers game tips and a save spot for Dixie and Kiddy Kong.

Sadly by Donkey Kong 64, Wrinkly appears as a ghost. We learn that she passed away due to her accelerated age yet she still finds a way to make herself valuable to her family with hidden doors, hints and bananas. Proving that lessons and guidance outlive the greatest of teachers.

SONYA BLADE (MORTAL KOMBAT SERIES)

Sonya has had a rough go. Following trash bag ozzie, Kano into some sort of hellish underworld. Her and her military partner Jax are split up, captured, freed, captured again, ignored by the US Government and eventually she gets cut in half.

BUT luckily (sort of) Ms. Blade or should I say, Mrs. Cage was granted new life with the “current MK timeline”. Eventually marrying Johnny Cage and giving birth to their daughter, Cassie Cage. They eventually divorce and The Cage family is constantly being pulled in and out of the Netherrelm and yet time and time again she always sets a good example for her daughter and never thinks twice about sacrificing herself for her family no matter what hellish obstacle stands in her way.

KARA (DETROIT: BECOME HUMAN)

“ I know you think we’re just machines… but since I met Alice, I know I can feel things… I care for her, I fear for her, I can’t be happy if she’s not… This probably doesn’t make any sense to you but… I know she changed me somehow”

Created by CyberLife as a common household maid android, Kara lives with and serves Todd Williams. She also takes care of his daughter, Alice. During her assembly she is tested by operators on her physical and cognitive functions where she begins to realize she isn’t a human. Learning she is to be reset and sold, Kara panics claiming, “She thought she was alive.” As a gesture of mercy after Kara pleads with the operator they don’t reset her and she is shipped off to a store to be sold with her sentience intact.

It is there where she is purchased and brought to the Williams home. Without a mother figure in the home, Kara fills the void for Alice, Todd’s daughter and it’s in response to Todd Williams abusive personality that Kara takes Alice and runs away with her. Showing that true love can break any cycle no matter how impossible or deeply programmed it may seem.

LULU LULU (FINAL FANTASY X)

Ah, Lulu. Technically not a biological mother yet in Final Fantasy X – she might as well be. Guardian to Yuna on her pilgrimage she has not only sworn an oath to protect her but guides her emotionally as well. Also a prime example of a protective mother-like figure in battle, Lulu’s dark magic and fury overdrive is devastating when used correctly.

Seemingly stiff and stoic to protagonist, Tidus at first as the story progresses you get a true glimpse into the grieving process of a woman trying to hold it all together not only for herself but for her friends and family as well.

One of the darker more moody characters that develops beautifully throughout FFX, Lulu has been a fan favorite since the release of the game and for good reason. Free thinking (one of the only Yevonites to question the religion) powerful and beautiful – Lu is the epitome of badass video game moms who are as compassionate as they are deadly.

I’m sure I missed a bunch and I’m excited to hear who. Let us know in the comments who you think are the best video game moms/ mother like figures in gaming. Thank you for reading and happy Mother’s Day to everyone out there!

If for some reason you’d like to read more of my thoughts, follow me on social media or my website: https://linktr.ee/BuffaloRetro

OH AND – I’d like to point out the fact that I made it through an entire post without using vulgar language. Since I was fined by Paradise Palace for my last entry. I can’t afford to swear anymore. Until next week!

Cowboys, Giant Robots and a Pink Dame! Pinkie plays Wild Guns

Hear Ye Hear Ye Princess Pinkie has returned with a new gaming post!

Salutations my loyal subjects and island guests. As you might know I love retro games and especially the SNES era of gaming. I have done a fair few reviews in the past! Recently with Covid rules becoming a bit more lentient I have been meeting with a friend to play some cool SNES Co-Op titles using my Nintendo Switch Online subscription. Today I will talk to you about a game we recently beat! A game that is about shouting cowboys and giant robots. Steampunk meets Cyberpunk in the SNES cult classic. Wild Guns!

Clint and Annie’s date at the Saloon

Wild Guns was one of those SNES titles that saw a very diverse release date. Released in Japan in August 1994, the US in July 1995 and finally in Europe due October 30 1996 Wild Arms is a classic game in the very obscure shooting gallery genre. While the game has an incredibly arcade feel Natsume developed and published it exclusively for SNES. It would not be until 2016 and later that a “remaster” was released on anything else but a Nintendo platform. But nowadays a four player variant of this game with new characters and new stages is also available for pc and playstation 4. Of course the updated version is also available on Nintendo Switch. Wild Guns Reloaded is available on steam for around 13 euro. While I would love to play as a dog on a drone (which is an reloaded exclusive character) I will talk about the base game.. because if you pay for Nintendo Switch online it’s free!

I have no idea what the story is of this game! I don’t remember if I skipped it or if I needed a manual to read it .. but in the base game you play Clint .. a gruff classical looking cowboy or Annie a blonde in a pink dress and a fancy hat! Guess which one I insisted on being! Each character comes with four colour variations which also change your crosshair. I played better as Blue Annie then Pink Annie because I lost track of my crosshair less! White Annie I found unplayable.. but that might just be me! The game has 6 stages of which the majority consists of 3 parts. In the end you have to defeat.. some chinese/japanese looking guy. The stages and subsections are pretty varied and most enemies are unique to each stage.. though the classic SNES colour variants show up. The game features 3 difficulties and a versus mode, so there is some replayability.

SNES Longplay [243] Wild Guns (a) - YouTube

My friend and me started at the normal difficulty, which had Clint and Annie already die quite a bit. The first stage is themed after a saloon. With the first part being a shootout against cowboys outside the saloon with enemies shooting at your from windows or behind barrels. It was pretty neat and the cowboy vibe clearly can be felt. The way this game work is basically as follows. The first two subsections of a stage you fight against a clock, you have to survive against an onslaught of enemies until the timer runs out after which you face a mini boss. If you score enough points you can earn more lives , better weapons and screen wiping bombs to make the rest of the stage easier, so you always have to balance how much risk you take killing people versus. Risking how much you want to upgrade versus how much you want to live. Which is easier said then done.. because this game comes at you , guns blazing.

After you have survived against your first wave of cowboys you have to face a giant robot cowboy with machine gun arms which tries to mow you down remorseley. Luckily Clint and Annie have some sort of spider sense and they will tell the player to watch out and make them dodge when projectiles fly their way. In their jump they are also near invisible. If you listen to your character you have a good chance to survive , and with a bit of learning you can take down this first mini boss pretty easily. Clint and Annie beat this stage after only one game over. The second bout of this stage takes place inside the saloon! This one is already a bit more tricky, not only do bullets fly your way, there is also dynamite to deal with. Which limits in what directions you can block. Jumping into an explosion will end up getting you killed and if you do not kill enemies quickly they will keep piling up turning the game into a true bullet hell.

Wild Guns: Reloaded adds an adorable dog who controls a machine-gun drone to its chaotic roster | TechnoBuffalo

It took us two attempts.. but when we found out we can use a Lasso to stun dynamite throwers, while the other would gun them down we cleaned out the saloon and took down the wimpy Miniboss. The final area of this stage put us on the roof of the Saloon where we take down a Mecha equipped with a missile system that rains death from above.. and gatling guns that sweep half the screen. Playing smart we saved up a lot of our bombs which made short work of the boss. Clint and Annie finish their date at the saloon after dying only like 40 times (21 times Annie and 19 times Clint) ! Hey I have been on worse dates!

Crazy Cowboys

Amazon.com: Wild Guns - Nintendo Super NES: Video Games

After this the game lets you pick one of four stages, A goldmine, a train, a canyon and an arms depot. Each stage pits you against a crazy mix of cowboys and robots. Each stage gives you a point total which you can see as bounty for taking down the boss. Not every stage has the same bounty and of course the stages with the higher bounty offer higher difficulty! Yet bounties also go up if you beat a stage, so if you are interested in score there are some tactics to have fun with… for me bullet riddled Annie, we just decided to play the stages from high to low! Only to give on medium difficulty after 4 attempts of desolation canyon. We really wanted to beat the game and play through it and despite having unlimited continues that keep track of which stages you beat, having to do all three subsections of a stage on 3 life each. Now Normal is a doable difficulty but we did not have enough practice time.. and due to the world state we can’t play this as often as we would like.. so we would just try easy mode, hoping the game would not insult us at the end.

It gave us a perfect insight at what difficulty would do. The higher the difficulty the higher the health pool of enemies is and thus how smaller your window to dodge becomes. This will also result in you having more enemies on screen to deal with at the same time, as you can’t kill everyone quick enough to keep your screen rather clear. The higher the difficulty the more likely enemies are to use their special abilities, like drones throwing their own lasso or one of those deaths from above missile barrages. All in all easy was a lot more manageable, though still not very easy. There is a lot on the screen to manage. Powerups, your dodge notifications, enemy placement, the placement of your crosshair and the missiles falling from the sky , powerups and ground traps. Funnily I discovered that me and my friend struggled with different things. He kept getting hit by traps and missiles while I failed to see a notification of a bullet. Which helped us get a flow where we warned each other of one of those.

The single player mode of this game as such is a bit tricky, there is so much happening I am convinced you will always have a weakness and there is no one to polish it out, and it is not as fun either. The action is a bit repetitive, even though all stages offer a pretty diversive, way of approaching things. The mine has enemies as tiny dots in the distance, the train has enemies zipping past and changing positions, the canyon has a lot of enemies that can stun! So each stage is different in how you approach it .. but it is all very samey in it’s pacing, which is why you really need a friend for this. Competing for the higher score is also a lot more fun than getting a highscore in some random list. The set high scores are super easy to beat. We beat the game and already set the high score.. while we actually did pretty terrible. So just beating high scores by yourself would not be fun at all! Maybe if you beat the game once or twice to beat your personal best.. but with how many games we have access to nowadays , no one will do that. So it really is a game for two.

This also helps with the game’s biggest appeal. Finding out what craziness is next. The enemies are really crazy and most bosses are really fun! There is one really boring flame tank thing but there are also some bizarre bosses that are super fun to learn and face. The mid stage bosses are fairly fun as well, though unfortunately these are the ones that are reused the most. In a way there are some similarities with Cowboy Bebop ..but without the break. Think Bebop meet’s Gurren Lagann, while graphically reminding me a bit off Final Fight mixed with Metal Slug. That feeling and craziness is also the biggest appeal. You don’t play this game for the challenge , you might not even play it to beat it every single time you play it for the fun, in a similar way why you play Pacman or Tetriis. There is just something fundamentally fun about this game.

That same appeal is unfortunately also it’s biggest downfall. Because it has that arcade appeal it’s linear/level based setting makes it less repeatable than it’s competitors. Where you can play a Pacman a bit every day, this you will put down for a fair while after you beat it. It feels more like a beat em up with guns. However where Beat Em ups let you play another character that does really play differently as the other, here it doesn’t feel that way. Because you walk on a 2d plain instead of a 2.5d plan your actions are much more set and because enemies target you in specific ways , knowing how they will react will get you past them each time. At least in Beat ‘m ups they will move slightly differently. This makes Wild Guns a perfect game to beat once a year with a friend. I really like this game a lot but I also don’t want to play it again any time soon, maybe I want to get the reloaded version someday so I can play the dog on a drone trough the extra stages! Now I just need to hope the Dog on a drone comes with a pink skin!

Did you ever play Wild Guns?! Do you have a favourite arcade like title? What character would you play? I have so many questions for you I might have to sleep on it! In the meantime you can already babble in the comments! Because remember, Friendship is Magic but Dreams are even more wonderful! Oyasumi.

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That Time The Pink Panther Reincarnated As …

A little while ago Sunny dropped a package at Pinkie’s castle. Hastily wrapped up with some kelp and in the sand near Pinkie’s private beach and flight dock he spelled… Is this okay?! In seashells on the beach. Pinkie opened the package and examined it. It was a story about an already fictional character going on an adventure. The Princess was reminded of her own Dragon Ball stories, or the brainstorm of what would have happened if Ash was a girl. However this was even more adorably retro! So not only was Sunny allowed to post this story! She would really hope she would see more of these posts in the future! So please enjoy this brand new adventure of an old familiar face!

You absolutely must watch and listen to the theme first. Badum badum…badum…badum badum badum bababa baaaaaaaaa dadadada…

The Pink Panther was having a casual stroll down the street, when a glint of gold caught his eye. There – it was a lamp! Rather like the lamp from Alladin’s Tale. Very well then, thought Pink, I shall give it a rub.

Rather than a genie, the lamp produced a smarmy ad voice touting the advantages of taking a job as a lamp genie! Intrigued, Pink climbed on into the lamp and soon re-emerged dressed as a genie. He approached a number of people offering them wishes, but no one seemed to believe him. The last grouch kicked the lamp – with Pink still in it – out into the street. Still in the lamp Pink ducked and dodged as best he could but a big delivery van came roaring seemingly from nowhere and SPLAT the lamp was totally flattened. Pink had a moment of utter shock as his world became flat, and then he passed out.

He wasn’t sure how much later he awoke. He was in a rather grand bedroom with rich appointments, sprawled over a bed with satin sheets but strangely enough, he was still wearing his genie outfit. Even stranger, he realized, sitting bolt upright and catching a full view of himself in a mirror across from the bed – he was… he was a woman? A human woman? He stared at himself in the mirror. The only thing that looked faintly familiar were his golden eyes, and that damn genie outfit. Only now instead of hanging fashionably loose over his slender pink silhouette, it was bulgingly full with a lush female body. Long, pink curls cascaded from her head down her back and sides. He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. So did the reflection. Undeniably him. Her. It was all most confusing.

A man appeared at the doorway, wearing nothing but a towel and a smirk. “Well. Made yourself comfortable, have you? The costume is great but I’m afraid there’s a bit too much of it. I hope you brought your own music? I’d like for you to dance for me and strip slowly.” The man approached, dropping his towel to display an impressive expanse of belly covered in a coarse coat of hair, which continued down his legs and arms and probably his back as well.

Pink shrieked like a girl – well, what else? – and jumped up off the bed to run around it, putting the bed between himself and the man. Glancing over his shoulder he saw a sliding glass door that opened into a small balcony. The lights of a vast city spread below. Strange sights, a ferris wheel, a huge roman sort of villa, a smaller version of the Eiffel Tower picked out in lights, a pyramid! Where was he? When was he!?

“Frisky, eh? Well, I don’t mind a bit of play. Now come here you little genie!” The man rolled up off the bed and crouched, then made a dash towards Pink. Pink squealed again and teetered on ridiculously high heels to the balcony. He peered over the railing to see a glorious pool surrounded by lounge chairs and a tiki bar. There was also a raised dais where a strangely attired man leapt around from side to side, shouting on a mic now and then. Lights flashed and whirled and dozens of beautiful women of all ages danced, drank, and swam attired in tiny swim suits and formal gowns. Every thing sparkled. Pink found himself dazzled and when he could hear the man panting behind him he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and threw himself over the railing.

A mighty splash. Screams. And then laughter as the crowd decided it must be some sort of stunt. Especially as Pink was quite unharmed as he began to swim with all the dignity he could muster towards the side of the pool. As he pulled himself out he looked down and realized that he might as well be naked as the see through harem costume molded itself to his ridiculously luscious curves.

Girls all around him started to pull and push and undulate against him. One bold lass even grabbed his face and dared to kiss. With tongue! Staggered, Pink ducked his head as if shy and raced for the bar. Once he was safely seated on the barstool, he spun himself towards the bartender, who was wearing a dark blue suit.

“What can I get for you, darling?”

Pink hesitated. He was quite sure he had no pockets in this outfit. He gulped. She gulped. Confusing.

The bartender made a dismissive wave, “Don’t worry about money. All included. Just give me a room number and I’ll put it on the check.”

Pink thought about it. Then held up two fingers. The bartender eyed him.

“Don’t talk much do you?”

Pink shook his head. And held up 3 fingers.

The bartender chuckled, and poured out a shot glass from a bottle labeled “3 Fingers Tequila” and shoved it across the bar. With a delighted smile, Pink raised the glass to his lips and swallowed. For a moment he thought his throat might actually be on fire. He puffed some breath at the bartender to see if flames shot out. The bartender gave him a funny look, then refilled the glass. Pink felt a delicious soothing warmth fill his belly, despite the breeze and his wet clothing. The second shot went down much smoother.

Ten shots later…

Pink staggered around the crowd, giggling and stumbling but as much of the crowd was doing the same, no one seemed to mind. The strange man on the raised dias stopped the horrific loud but rhythmic noise and spoke for a few minutes but the words hardly made sense to Pink whether because of a language gap or the excessive amount of system in his, eh, her system, well.

A bouncy blond woman grabbed Pink by the arm. “You’re just the kind of girl we’re looking for! Do you want to be famous and be able to tell all your friends to watch for you on the MTV broadcast?” she asked cheerily.

Always agreeable, Pink nodded.

“Great!” she gushed as she handed him a white t-shirt. “Put this on.”

Hoping it might be a little warmer than the frail wisp of top to the genie costume, Pink quickly peeled that off and pulled on the t-shirt. Oh! It was warmer!

The perky woman pushed and pulled and herded him and among a group of giggly girls also wearing white t-shirts, towards the raised platform. She lined them all up on top of the platform, to the cheers of the audience. One by one she went down the line asking for their names, ages, and hometown until she got to Pink, who just smiled and shrugged. She said, “Oh a shy one!” into the mic, but leaned in and asked, “You ARE over 21, right?” Pink nodded vigorously. Although really, he wasn’t sure at the moment.

The woman stepped away and then suddenly from nowhere and everywhere water began hitting the girls on the platform! Most of them squealed with delight and began to dance around, pulling their shirts down to show off their breasts and jumping up and down to accentuate how perky they were. Pink stood stock still in shock for a moment, but then began to scrabble up the curtains behind him to get away from the water! He had quite enough of being wet today, and the t-shirt was almost warm compared to the genie outfit!

Burly men in black suits came running at him. Pink scrabbled harder and jumped, landing on the top of the dias with the weird man and those tables and things. There was an almighty crash as the whole thing went over. The lights went out. The music stopped. The water continued to fall, but the screams were less of delight than of fear. Pink ran through the darkness until he found a door. He opened it to find lights and a hallway that he ran down as fast as he could stumble in the golden high heels. At the end was an elevator so Pink jumped inside and hit all the buttons, and then sat down on the floor to take those wretched heels off his suffering feet. He was still struggling with the straps when the elevator began to stop at every floor and open for a moment.

On one floor two men dressed in sparkly white suits stepped on, accompanied by a white tiger.

When they stepped off another man with black wavy hair in another spangled white suit – a jumpsuit – got on. He peered at Pink sitting on the floor rubbing his feet. “Don’t tell anyone you saw me honey” he said in a sultry tone before he got off at another floor.

Then six blue men got on the elevator. Pink stood and looked around at them. They looked back. He smiled. They smiled back. It looked very strange with their blue faces to see such white teeth. Pink shrugged. They shrugged and smiled. They looked around at each other and nodded. When the elevator opened again, a blue man took each of Pink’s elbows and escorted him off the elevator!

They took him down long dim halls and down some stairs. He could vaguely hear applause, laughter, and bursts of music now and then through the thin walls. The blue men took him into a room with mirrors and tables down one side and all sorts of clothes on racks on the other. A couple of the men handed him a dark blue skin tight outfit. The fabric was strange to Pink’s touch, but it looked nice and cozy so he slipped into it and gave the men a grateful smile and a nod before he walked to the door.

Suddenly, one of the men blocked his way, and kindly but firmly directed Pink to a chair. Well. Really. S/he was rather tired. Pink sat. The blue men bustled about until someone outside banged on the door and said “Two minutes”. That’s when two of the men took Pink by the elbows again and they all rushed up a narrow hall, up a few steps, and out onto a stage! The blue men bowed and the audience clapped and Pink stood dumbstruck by the spotlight.

The blue men began rushing about and as they did, one or two of them would herd Pink this way or that way until it was clear Pink was part of the act but he had no idea, uh, she had no idea, oh dear. There was a row of drums in a big circle and as Pink ran from one to the next each time s/he touched a drum suddenly a blue man came to life behind it and as they performed a drum roll colored liquid and light of some kind shot up into the air. It was dazzling and beautiful and more than a little scary for Pink! Finally the men danced and whirled Pink until they whirled her right off the stage. She stumbled down the stairs and sat at the bottom as the audience applauded. Her head was still spinning. Where on earth was she? Surely this wasn’t any heaven Pink had ever heard of.

Pink heard music again. But this song was strangely compelling. It drew her from the stairs, down another hallway, and through a door that led back into the lush white and gold rooms filled with people. People of all ages, dressed in all sorts of clothes and colors, but they all seemed to be attached to machine that dinged and booped and pinged and spun wheels and flashed lights and shouted out nonsense phrases like “I’ll be back” and “I’d like to buy a vowel” and now and then there was the sound of coins falling and everyone would yell at once. Still, Pink could hear the music and she followed it until she finally found a door that led outside.

She walked down a long elevated outdoor hall, like a Greek palace, over a garden and water until she somehow came out onto a dingy city street. Lights and noise assaulted her as people pushed and shoved past laughing and carrying drinks and pointing at all the lights.

And the lights! Big lights, small lights, lights that flashed and seemed to run one after another and change colors. Names in lights, pictures in lights, entire little movies on some signs. A fountain gushed in time to music and lights and people oohed and ahhed and still Pink could hear the faint strains of the haunting song that had drawn her outside.

She walked down the street, her eyes filled with wonder – as indeed were those of many alongside her. A big double decker bus whooshed past her and puffed to a stop. Pink could hear the music somehow inside. She stepped up and a man stepping out handed her a yellow card, saying “there’s a few hours left to this pass. You can use it.” as he smiled and walked away.

Pink held out the yellow card and the bus driver pointed at a strange machine. Someone reached past her and ran their little card through the slot. There was a beep and the bus driver nodded and they went and sat down. Pink slid her card through the slot and the machine beeped and the bus driver nodded and said, “Move on back, hon, other people need to get on.”

Wandering towards the back Pink heard the music again. A young-ish man with shaggy blond hair nodded in time to music. He wore a yellow shirt, and yellow shorts, and a yellow hat. He was as sunny yellow as Pink was pink! Pink sat down beside him and he smiled and nodded. She nodded back and saw then the wires going into his ears from a box in his hand. The music was coming from there. Pink looked intently at the box, and the young man smiled and took one of the wires out of his ear, offering it to Pink. She tucked a pink curl behind one ear and put the little thing in her ear.

She heard, “Welcome to the new age, to the new age, welcome to the new age, to the new age…” Her golden eyes flew open wide and she looked at the young fellow in yellow. He grinned and patted her on the knee.

“It’s going to be okay, Pink. You’ll see.”

Pink blinked, nodded, and for the first time since the truck hit the lamp, relaxed.

Paradise Hill: Origins

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE HILL

… I never really understood how I got there until long after I was already apart of the town. The last thing I remember is seeing Cookie walk into a fog. I followed in after him wondering where he was off to. He seemed quiet and more focused than usual. Eventually the fog grew so thick I could barely see directly in front of me. I called out for Cookie to no response.

It felt like I had been walking for days. Eventually the sand of the beach turned into asphalt and I began following the lonely white road line to keep some sense of direction. It felt as though I was traveling in dream years. So quickly through time that it gave the illusion of time itself standing still. When all at once the silhouette of a sign jutted out through the mist.

“WELCOME TO PARADISE HILL”

That was a few weeks ago I believe. But it could have been years ago. Time is a concept very rarely regarded in Paradise Hill. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry. I stood with the letter in my hand. I couldn’t believe it. The letter read:

“NOTICE OF EVICTION”

I stood shocked. I had fallen in love with the town. No traffic, no lines, no one to bother me. The fog made certain things and people a bit harder to see but really, once you got used to squinting all the time it was quite the destination. It had all of the makings and charm of your typical north west lumber town.

Nurses between shifts walking down the road together. I seem to see the same group every day after I wake up, hop out of bed and take a shower in Paradise Motel. “Hi ladies! Working hard or hardly working?” They always seem to get a kick out of it.

When I did leave the motel room in it was in short bursts. Run to the corner store and pick up a six pack – stop at the diner and use the kitchen to cook up a couple of steaks and then stroll merrily back through the blurry black and white white fog to my hotel room. Occasionally outside some loud fire siren would go off and it’d start to get dark outside but i never seemed to have an issue with it.

Just like anywhere else – you keep to yourself and no one tends to bother you. Not even in Paradise Hill. Until now.

As I read the eviction notice the board of directors at Paradise Hills sited a few reasons for my cause of eviction:

1.) LACK OF LODGING EXPENSES PAID: It’s true. I wasn’t paying rent. I mean no one ever asked. One time some guy with a huge hat knocked on the door and just sort of stood there and walked off. But I didn’t know if he was the landlord or just a creeper.

2.) THEFT OF GOODS AND SERVICES:

– (5) Welcome to Paradise Hill gift shop shirts

– (16) Six packs of Paradise Hill Ale

– (2) Bottles of sexual lubricant

– (1) Copy of The Titanic

– (1) Copy of Silent Hill: Origins

3.) FAILURE TO FACE YOUR OWN INNER DEMONS/ BE CREEPED OUT

Mr Winkle. Please – keep the goods you have procured and please leave town immediately. You are no longer welcome here at majestic Paradise Hill. Also your Sea Lion has been returned to your home safely. Please do not speak to any one on your way out as you have been creeping out the other residents for quite some time now.

Sincerely,

PARADISE HILL TOWN HALL

I packed up all my belongings as some beautiful sad music began playing from no where and I backpacked out of town. As I was on the outskirts of town I heard cheers of celebration. But before long I saw the bright lights and sights of Paradise again. Like a tilt-a-whirl through the dark. As I walked through the crowd no one seemed to notice me.

It dawned on me that I was now trapped in Paradise Hill forever. I was free to travel across the globe but no one would ever see me again. Only maybe being able to detect my presence here and there like that one movie with Sean Bean in it.

Which I was completely fine with. I began to think of the possibilities of my new invisible life. I could sneak into Area 51 and finally figure out what the hell that place was all about. I could get into concerts for free. I could haunt people! This was going to be great. But my first mark was a hot dog stand I saw off the path near the coconut’s huts. I grabbed a roll and reached in the hot water and grabbed a hot dog. I slapped it into the bun and took a bite. Ah. Delicious hot dog stand hot dogs. Disgusting and delicious and now free for the rest of m-

“You gonna pay for that?”

Turns out I wasn’t invisible. And I wasn’t getting free hot dogs for the rest of my life. I walked home.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: March 4 2008

Developer: Climax Action (Sudeki, The Italian Job)

Published: Konami

Well back to reality and really sad gaming. Today, we have a case of a game that might have been alright if it wasn’t associated with such a strong franchise. I also sort of wanted to use this opportunity to explain what little work that does actually go into these posts and the sad consequences that result from playing (generally) nothing but bad games all of the time.

Not pictured: The Cry Hole that I crawl into after hours of bad gaming.

When Pinkie and I had a check in conversation (now that she has a palace built it’s become a whole event with feasts and festivities etc) she asked what I was working on. I told her I was planning on starting Silent Hill: Origins. She responded with, “isn’t that the really bad one?”

Which surprisingly it’s not the really bad one. It’s just not a really good one. Which sums up this game perfectly. If it were named anything else it would probably be considered a forgotten but slightly above average survival horror game – starts off kind of lame, picks up and ends in an absolutely nonsensical way. Put the words Silent Hill on the case however and now you’re looking at a lackluster experience.

In the game you start off as rootin’ tootin’ truck driver, Travis Grady. He’s driving his MAC Truck getting his kicks off Route 66 and all that when he spots a little girl in the road. He swerves to avoid her (as most human beings tend to do) and stops to get out and investigate the scene. Looking for the lost child, he sees her approaching from behind him in his rear view mirror only to disappear which scares the shit out of him but certainly doesn’t deter him from abandoning his vehicle and walking miles and miles in a thick fog in the middle of the road.

Eventually this leads Travis to a house fire. He spots some weird broad hanging out by the burning house and runs in because of course he does. And he rescues some kid that’s torched like a marshmallow. Eventually passing out – he awakes in Silent Hill to go search for the french fry kid and madness ensues.

Now, if I may – first off – I am a Daughter Daddy. She is the light of my life. When my wife was pregnant I think I surprised her by crossing my fingers and hoping for a daughter and we were lucky enough to get a bright, beautiful, healthy little lady. I fucking love that kid. BUT – I have watched enough scary movies to know that if I’m out in the middle of no where and some creepy little girl is hanging around – I’M NOT FOLLOWING HER. I DON’T CARE. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Alright, with that out of the way lets cover a couple of things that this game does really nicely. The sound effects and soundtrack are top notch – Silent Hill quality. Like all other SH soundtracks, composed by the master, Akira Yamaoka. The absolute badass Thom Yorke-esque dark genius of video game soundtracks. The sound effects and music are unnerving and uncomfortable – aptly suited for the atmosphere.

I want to recommend this game so much more but it breaks my own personal cardinal sin of gaming: difficulty due to controls. There is nothing I hate more than fighting a game more than the story or gameplay itself.

Controls and saboteur camera angles are what takes this Silent Hill entry out at the knees. The storyline and voice acting isn’t seminal by any stretch of the imagination but it’s not noteworthy poor. The puzzles are weak and there is a lot of backtracking (RE style) – also not a lot of actual area to explore. For an open town the game has you on rails for a good majority of it.

Camera angles that can really get in your head

The game does certain things right but it does so many little things wrong that it begins to become a serious distraction. The small unnecessary changes are enough to anger longtime fans. The nurses now see and react to noise/light/everything – just another static sprite that is easy to avoid but lacks any of their signature creepiness.

You can pick up large heavy objects to toss at monsters – which is cool – but kind of pulls you out of it as you go through your inventory and realize that your character is carrying twelve portable TVs, three filing cabinets, sixteen I.V. drip bag stands and six different guns. I am not a huge fan of Resident Evil’s death-by-no-inventory-space strategy but how many fax machines can one guy hold?

Not to mention you don’t even really need weapons most of the time. The ability to punch your enemies is overpowered for a survival horror game. I have beat up so many nurses in the past week I could star in my own episode of COPS.

Bottom line: Please for the love of all things holy – Konami – if you are going to outsource one of your flagship franchises please let it be to Kojima Productions. I don’t give a shit what beef you guys have. Figure it out and lets do this.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Now here is where it gets tricky. To be frank, even the bad games I adore. I just love playing games. I love buying them, I love looking at my horrible collection of bargain bin trash just as much as any rare games I find. Like little trophies made from melted garbage can lids. They’re mine and I absolutely enjoy playing and writing about them.

Generally, on this blog I deal almost exclusively with cheap games. This game? Not very cheap. Luckily for me, I purchased this years ago before everything Silent Hill exploded in price online.

I would never, ever tell anyone what to buy or what not to buy. I wouldn’t even judge anyone for buying Rule of Rose for $16,999. I mean, I would hope you would find it cheaper but whatever at the end of the day it’s your money, you work hard for it, you spend it on whatever you want.

Right now it looks like it’s averaging about $110-120 on eBay.

Is it worth $2300? I’d have to give it a hard, “no.” But I clean pools for a princess that pays me in bad games – so you do you. I would suggest checking out eStarland or Lukie Games over bid sites for collector’s series games like Silent Hill. There are a ton of gougers that will buy everything up just to raise prices even higher upon resell THUS continually driving up market prices for regular gamers like you and I. Dicks.

DESERT ISLAND SONG

The classic that can get anyone in the mood. Even if it’s for Origins:

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One blood stained trucker hat. (Silent Hill: Origins)

Suggestions? Requests? Send me a message!

Meeting God in Shattered Skies

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Another week on Paradise – which means more pool cleaning, lawn mowing and preparation for coconut tourist season. But this week a different task led me down a dramatically different path than usual.

It all started with orders from the top (as it normally does). However, instead of a bad game frisbeed through my hut window like normal there was just a map of the island, a small note from Princess Pinkie and a pair of Power Bracelets left at the breakfast bar. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in. My guard Dog/Sea Lion, Cookie had spent the night at the reef somewhere off the coast with one of his girlfriends.

“HEAVY. ROCK. LIFT. MOVE. 🦆”

I sipped my coffee and held the note. The morning had started off rare as it was. I woke up in a green tunic. Which I chalked up to a combination of too much to drink the night before and laundry day.

Second, earlier that morning there was a bright large bug that kept yelling, “HEY” at me trying to wake me up. Eventually – completely irritated – I arose and squared up with the bug and boxed it. After punching it out of the air I tossed it’s strange, unconscious faerie body in the garbage can outside and laid back down.

Now there was this note. Rarely did I exchange much correspondence with the palace as is. I’ve always been the self motivated type. Wandering around the island looking for things to fix up. Generally assuming if I’m found busy my employers will almost always be happy. But a personal request – this was different. And the Power Bracelets looked badass. So equipped with my newly found gauntlets and tight-but-comfortable-green-tunic I set off towards the boulder that must be moved.

Upon arrival I saw the large rock that needed moving. There were some strange plants around it. They looked like cartoon bombs 💣 growing out of some weeds. I assumed they must be some sort of land mines left over from the war – Princess Diana did her best to have all land mines removed and eradicated from ex-war-zones but Paradise is a bit out of the way. They must have missed a few.

I, personally am not fucking with a bomb of an undetermined age sticking out of the ground. So I avoided them. Maybe I’ll put some caution tape around the area once I move around them and get this rock out of here. In other words: bomb disposal : outside my pay grade.

So removing the rock itself was extremely anticlimactic. I just lifted it over my head and tossed it. These gauntlets are excellent quality. The startling thing was this strange music I heard from everywhere around me as I lifted the rock. I quickly realized that by moving the rock I had exposed a hole. A seemingly bottomless pit.

Despite everything in my body telling me this was a mistake I decided to jump down the hole anyways because fuck it – why not. And I’m glad I did. I landed softly on a mirrored pad – where I heard a gorgeous harp – the sound of a running fountain and a relaxing, disarming ambience. I, was sure I was in the company of pure good.

As I approached I heard a powerful roar. A voice so beautiful and strong – easily the strength of a choir of people singing from the depths quickly approaching the fountains surface until completely breaking through the still water. A giant faerie? Or a giant god? Or the… unbelievably talented singer songwriter, Chris Cornell??

Chris Cornell emerged from the faerie fountain completely dry and all knowing. It wasn’t until now that I realized one of my favorite singers of all time sort of already had a Jesus look going on for awhile on his own.

His voice soft but firm.

Cornell: Periwinkle – I have been watching you from afar.

Me: Mr. Cornell – Why… I’m .. so… flattered.

Cornell: Of course you are. You have projected me. You wouldn’t pick someone you don’t like to be a faerie God…I mean.. think about it…

– Silence –

Me: Yeah. Yeah I s’pose you’re right.

Cornell: ANYWAYS… let’s see .. where was I – alright… As I was saying. *Clears Throat* Periwinkle – I have watched your self destruction from afar. It’s finally time, son.

Me: It’s time to move on? I can come with you? I have been waiting for thi-

Cornell: No! What’s the matter with you. You’re not going anywhere. It’s time for you to play a good game, finally.

Me: Oh. Well.. yeah, of course…

Cornell: Between back to back terrible titles like City Crisis and Trigger Man your heart meter is so low. Which is why I’m here. To provide comfort to weary travelers. Let me blow the life back into you.

Me: Wait.. wha – … like a ..sexual thing?

Cornell: No. Definitely not a sexual thing.

—- Neither makes eye contact for what seems like forever ——-

Cornell: I was going for like a game cartridge thing. Like when it wouldn’t work –

Me: Yeah, yeah I get it.

Cornell: But, anyways! You have suffered selflessly enough for the coconuts on Paradise. Trudging through horrible games to warn the visitors and retro enthusiasts on Paradise of the perils of bargain bin gaming. What games to avoid. Selflessly diving on grenades to save the masses. It’s time to treat yourself, son.

Me: This means so much… what game can make me love again? Can you, Grammy Award winning multi-instrumentalist, Chris Cornell show a guy like me how to live?

Cornell: Young Periwinkle – I can only steer you in the right direction. I can recharge your hearts and give you one single title to get you back on track. After that your destiny is in your own hands. Before I leave I suggest you take that bottle over there and make sure you bottle a little golden mini me as well. In case you ever find yourself dealing with Trigger Man level of incompetence in the future again.

I heard the flute noise and felt my energy being restored. *Flick flick flick flick* ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Golden Chris Cornell Faerie God also handed me a copy of Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies.

I grabbed the empty bottle and put a tiny Golden Chris Cornell inside it for later use. The floating Cornell smiled at the new lease on my gaming life.

With my arms out stretched over my head a floating bottle with a tiny golden statuette rest in it. You have acquired a Golden Cornell. Let him free to recharge your energy and soul.

Chris Cornell: Now before I go, son. Do you have any questions? About anything in the entire universe?

I thought hard.

Periwinkle: When is the McRib coming back?

Cornell looked extremely disappointed. Shook his head and floated back into the faerie fountain. Apparently it was such a good question he couldn’t even answer it! Or it was really bad. Eh, who cares?

I stood with my arms raised with a copy of Ace Combat 04 floating above my hands. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A COPY OF A PLAYSTATION 2 MASTERPIECE, ACE COMBAT 04: SHATTERED SKIES.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: November 1 2001

Developed & Published: namco

I have such little experience writing about how much I enjoyed a video game that I am almost completely at a loss. I have messaged Pinkie nearly every day telling her how much I love this game. I have told my wife. I have told my friends. I have told the dog next door. Everyone after day two or so just eventually starts to roll their eyes.

I drove to New York City to profess my love to Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies while standing on the top of a skyscraper but there was already someone doing it. This game is a masterpiece. Beautiful, sad, fun, easy to learn but hard to master. All of the good stuff.

The game itself is about a future world where some asteroids posed a major threat to the planet. Mankind built a gun to shoot the asteroids and it didn’t really work so now we all live on one shitty continent. Naturally because we’re human beings we begin a war over land and resources and the “bad dudes” highjack the massive asteroid gun and you have to stop them. Sounds simple and stupid but it isn’t. The storytelling is so well done, exploring the human condition in times of war.

I’d also go on record and say this game is a top ten ps2 game graphically. Some of the colors, graphics, picture-esque skies and backdrops are still breathtaking to this day. With 2021 eyes that is quite a feat.

It even has a beautiful replay mode that you can exploit and slam your jet into the ocean all cinematic like:

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

I understand that this was a big series back in the day but it passed me by twenty years ago. I have noticed that most of my fellow ps2 collectors are around my age. A lot around mid 30’s. So when these games were out we didn’t necessarily have the money or the time to buy these games on our minimum wage grocery store paychecks.

But here’s where the news gets even better! I picked this bad boy up for $2.99 at a flea market. On eStarland you can find it CiB for $9.

On EBay I’ve been finding it for about $3.99 which is a great deal.

But as usual – there are ridiculous price gougers that deserve to be shamed. Like this fuckface:

Regardless – without paying this guy $599 – if you are a collector or just a fan of retro games this game is well, well, worth its budget price tag these days. And if you’re an emulator player – get on it! You don’t have to be a jet or a war enthusiast to enjoy this game. I recommend it so much – I had to create a new cocktail because I refuse to put it on the list with all the other bad games. So here is the good game cocktail ingredient list!

PERIWINKLE’S GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS

1.) One liter of Jet Fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)

The Haunted Mansion on Paradise Island

by Colin 19 Apr 2021

DESERT ISLAND SONG:

If nothing else – if you have skipped this entire article – which is fine – do yourself a favor and listen to this. I needed a harp version of a Soundgarden song to tie in Cornell w/ Zelda. And because the internet rules here we are:

Alright I think that’s it. I’m actually working on another surprisingly good game right now. I’ll see you guys next week. Have more ps2 gems it seems everyone missed out on? Let us know! Comment below or Hit me up on social media (Instagram has been popping lately!) Until next time, Coconuts.

Periwinkle – Triggered.

An infuriating mixture of nearly invincible enemies, next to nothing plot and ugly design.

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Cookie and I have been renovating our hut in preparation for a lovely spring and summer – my first on the island. We decided to put the hut on stilts and move it closer to the shore for two reasons: We both enjoy the sounds of summer storms rolling over the ocean and it’s easier for him. You see, as of late Cookie has become quite the ladies man. He likes to bring his Sea Lion girlfriends over to watch movies as he has always really been quite the cinephile. I can’t tell you how many times he’s made me watch Life By A Whisker.

So, like a good roommate I retreat to my small room and put my headphones on. I don’t get very many guests, myself. Once a month the manager might kick open the door and throw my next batch of horrible, bargain bin games inside for me to suffer through. Other than that every full moon Sunny leaves me hand woven baskets with fruits and random bones on our small front porch. I think it’s a gesture of good will but it could also be a grave threat – it’s hard to tell with him.

This month I opened the front door to the see the game box of, “Trigger Man” stuck to my door with a combat knife. And I could just faintly see the Manager running back into the tree line. She’s not as innocent as she’d like you to believe. There are even rumors on the island of construction workers on her new Castle disappearing. But I keep my head down and keep quiet. I’m just here to do a job, sweet island citizens and guests and it begins now. Let us begin this mortal sin of a game!

NEW FANCY VIDEO INTRODUCTION

Publisher: Point of View (They published the amazing NFL Blitz)

Developed by: Crave Entertainment (The creative genius behind, Baby Pals)

Crave Entertainment originally titled this game, “Baby Felons”

Trigger Man makes the impossible possible. It makes being a mobster incredibly lame. The story is so abhorrent that it would have literally been better with no story or context at all. That way the person playing the game could just nonchalantly make up their own plot line.

“What’s this guys deal?”

“Oh. He drank too many Mountain Dews. Now he’s taking everyone down.”

“Ah. Makes sense.”

That story? Those two sentences? More thought out then the entire game. Concept, design, story, all of it.

I read a blog post about eyeliner earlier today that is more badass than this game. The unnamed, idiot, blockhead main character you play as is so boring and uninspired I’ve come across pots of boiling water with more complexities.

The controls are so sad that just ducking is an achievement. Sneaking is impossible although an absolute requirement throughout the game. Cover is nearly impossible during shootouts although that too is paramount to even surviving the constant swarms of respawning enemies.

Speaking of enemies…The only actual badass thing in this entire game? The security guards you have to fight who are basically fucking indestructible. They should play footage of this game at every security guard convention across the country. Sure, they can’t shoot straight and they run directly into your line of fire but they sure are tough.

That is also assuming you can even hit them. If you aim the reticle at the enemies head you will shoot their body. Which takes at least ten shots to kill anyone (Oh, yeah and you can only carry like 30 bullets at a time with any gun so good luck with that). But a headshot grants an instant kill every time. So if you aim the reticle just above the enemies head – you still miss. You just shoot over their heads. It’s extremely difficult to even get a head shot. Skill has barely anything to do with it. It all boils down to luck.

Which speaking of luck – upon playing this game you will find yourself unlucky A LOT. The missions themselves would honestly take about six minutes each to blow through if you didn’t die 150-200 times per round. It’s UNREAL.

Oh and this god forsaken blog post? Already like two thousand words longer than the game manual. Another sign of how bad the game is. They couldn’t even hire a writer to lie for a minute about how fun and cool the game is in its own instruction manual!

Here’s one last dumb analogy for you. Say video games were sea birds. Why? I don’t know. It’s the first thing that came to mind. Grand Theft Auto 3 (which came out three years before Trigger Man, mind you) was a great game. But far from perfect. Especially with its shooting and aiming controls. It was hard to handle. The lads and ladies at Rockstar had yet to perfect their combat system. So despite its insane fun it could be frustrating to play. Which would take it down from a beautiful majestic sea bird to maybe something cool but a little derpy like a Flamingo.

So if GTA 3 was a cute but derpy flamingo spending its days at an all you can eat Shrimp buffet than Trigger Man is a Sea Gull eating cigarette butts out of a trash can biting little kids that pass by.

Who hasn’t had a date end like this, amiright?

The game is turbo trash. Really can’t put it any other way. It’s literally the worst game I have ever played.

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

For the collectors out there – you can find this game on pretty much any site for next to nothing. But I must point out this idiot for trying to sell this piece of hot garbage for over $35

DESERT ISLAND SONGS (Songs inspired by the games)

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One indestructible security guard (Trigger Man)

Follow me on stuff! I’ll follow you back literally forever !

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

Hear Ye Hear Ye, Princess Pinkie has returned with a gaming post!

Song intro

Time to play Time Lord

The Good, The Bad and the Clam!

Chocolat and Clam covered Steak

FANCY INTRODUCTION VIDEO

I was wrong

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

Hear ye Hear ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new movie post!

Behind the mask

Face *Flourish* …..Off!

Not so Dark….Man

Pink Elephant

THE BOSS (METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER

Wrinkly Kong (Donkey Kong Series)

SONYA BLADE (MORTAL KOMBAT SERIES)

KARA (DETROIT: BECOME HUMAN)

LULU LULU (FINAL FANTASY X)

Hear Ye Hear Ye Princess Pinkie has returned with a new gaming post!

Clint and Annie’s date at the Saloon

Crazy Cowboys

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE HILL

“WELCOME TO PARADISE HILL”

“NOTICE OF EVICTION”

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

DESERT ISLAND SONG

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

“HEAVY. ROCK. LIFT. MOVE. 🦆”

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

PERIWINKLE’S GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS

DESERT ISLAND SONG:

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

NEW FANCY VIDEO INTRODUCTION

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

Face Flourish* …..Off!*