Sucky Movie – Pinkie's Paradise

Pissy Princess Pinkie: Alone In the Dark.. an Uwe Boll Film

Hear ye hear ye! Princess Pinkie is here with a new movie post!

My loyal guest and subjects, it has come to my attention that at times the blogosphere can be a bit sweet! We avoid negative posts, yet at the same time we avoid having overly sweet posts as well! Since I do sometimes really hate things and sometimes REALLY REALLY love things, I made two new columns, the one in the near future to discuss things I blindly adore… and one where we just rant on how bad something is! That can be really fun after all… luckily dear mister Boll can always provide content for the latter.

Boll Bingo!

Video game filmmaker Uwe Boll quits, but still gets the last laugh - Polygon

I am back to watching video game adaptations.. but I now am passing on the very mediocre ones, I am now only taking my anger out on the bottom of the barrel. Because sometimes being negative can be fun as well.. So I created a game called Boll Bingo. A series of ideas I expect from a Uwe Boll movie by now. I have become quite familiar with the abominations that Boll calls “work” . Just like you can recognise Tarintino by his dialogue style, character types and music chocies. This also applies to Mr Boll! God Bless his lack of skill! So there are ten signals that this is a shitty Uwe Boll Movie. These are the points I chose:

1. This Movie will be set in no specific location, and never will be.
2. The movie will feature a skimpily dressed female/and or objectifies women.
3. Fight Choreography will employ a lot of jump cuts and will not make any sense.
4. Stuff happens because the plot needs it to happen rather than a natural progression.
5. This movie is historically rather inaccurate!
6. Some scenes will look extremely ugly and fake… think “Original Sci-Fi Channel Movies
7. The main villain will not make sense.
8. There will be a LOT of bad writing and nonsensical scenes.
9. There will be a guy in it Boll uses for all his movies.
10. It has little to nothing to do with the source material.

Image gallery for Alone in the Dark - FilmAffinity

With these ten points we were well armed to take one of the most notoriously bad Uwe Boll movies ever. Alone in the Dark! Scoring a 2.4 on IMBD, and holding a 11% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes.. this is the Uwe Boll movie that not even Uwe Boll fans seem to like…and yes there are Boll fans out there! This movie gets the least amount of love! Which is a good thing for me.. because I HATE … and I mean HATE Uwe Boll’s sense of humor. So perhaps this one will be tolerable for me! Like many of Uwe Boll’s first movies in a series this starts some fairly famous actors in the form of Christian Slater and Tara Reid but also that main villain from the first Blade movie in the form of Stepehn Dorff. That usually doesn’t mean these movies are any good though.. but see why this movie sucks so much! Time for bingo. Let’s find out the score! Oh and speaking of cast Will Sanderson is in this movie! He plays in just about every Uwe Boll Movie so that is one point already! Woop!

The Joy of Horrible Writing

So let’s check point one?! Is the movie set in a location?! No! In traditional Uwe Boll fashion it is set in “the city” and “mines’ where are those mines? Somewhere in the USA , apparently both on helicopter distance AND walking distance from the city! Because set pieces need to happen and helicopters are all cool and military I guess. We also get treated to a ship out in the middle of the ocean, salvaging another ship that gets pilotted back to said city.. as soon as noises get quiet and AFTER the entire staff has been killed…neatly docked at a minor little peer as well! Even in the opening credits.. which are narrated by a very trailer guy sounding voice.. we never get a location. He mentions stuff.. but I am none the wiser. Thanks Mister Boll.. that is some horrible writing already done! Clever though.. this way you can swap between all sorts of sets and string them together by any mode of transport available! Dark Souls World Building for the win!

Point number two is however where we miss a point. The Story follows Christian Slater, playing Edward Carnby and Tara Reid portraying Aline Cedrac two characters that actually are in the game. Carnby grew up in an Orphanage..much like the games and has been infused with a parasitic life form that could turn him into a zombie like creature working for the forces of evil…but that parasite is dead cause he sat in a high voltage box thing when he was a kid. Aline Cedrac instead of being an archaeologist this time is an anthropologist. I have to admit, this is a smart choice as you can bind her more to the location she needed to be bound to. That being said.. she wears a white science coat, a pair of glasses and has her hair tied up. So she looks like a clip-art of a female scientist.

She studied Abkani most of her career and can read their ancient scriptures like it is nothing (But more on that later) .. yet is unable to correctly pronounce Newfoundland..and despite knowing this civilisation died out 10.000 years ago , and she is being chased by monsters released from Abkani tombs, she has NO idea why the Abkani would split a relic in four pieces and hide it on opposites site of the world. So she isn’t the brighest of scientist. To make up for it she does know how to be 100% accurate with an SMG despite probably never ever having held a gun. She has no sex scene with Carnby though.. so instead of a porn character we get a cardboard cutout based on female scientist clipart… A lot better.. but no point for me!

Alone in the Dark (2005) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

Luckily point number 3 is mine indeed best illustrated by the opening sequence. Carnby lands in the USA and the bad-guy who we see put out a kill order on Carnby.. tries really hard to convince us he is a good guy! Yet one of these zombie people that are a big plot point in the movie.. somehow managed to hijack a taxi with no one noticing and he begins ramming Carnby’s taxi. To escape a guy that clearly is trying to kill him at all costs Carnby orders the taxi to drive onto a crowded fish market.. so we can get breaking market stall footage. Edwards car crashes and he orders the taxi driver to allow himself to be rammed by the other taxi.. while Edward escapes.. punches a cop and takes his gun. Which is a revolver..because all cops carry those. It’s powerful as heck because next Edward shoots through a massive block of ice.. sitting on conveyor belts of an Abandoned ice factory.

The guy doesn’t die from being shot in the heart. So Edward decides he is best off punching this guy real hard. They randomly slide each other on these conveyer belts.. at the still abandoned lot, rather than killing him in the shadows the Assassin drags Carnby out in the open.. where there is a spike conveniently placed at the spot where normally a truck would park to be loaded up… but here there is a rusty spike..implying this plant ..filled with ice blocks has not been used in years. So of course Edward impales the bad guy.. which kills him .. and Edward walks off.. without the cop he punched and stole his gun from ever bothering him again. He is dressed in this really specific trench coat as well so it’s not like the cop would not be able to recognise him.. he just decided to let him go. All shots look kinda neat in theory.. but it tells no story at all and does not feel like a natural fight at all.

Thanks for the point Mr Boll!

Guns go Brrrrrrr

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

The last scene already illustrates point four is in as well but it gets a lot worse. The monsters of this movie are dark alien looking creatures that can turn invisible and disrupt the light because they emit some sort of emp…emp that only disrupts electrical currents that are far away from it’s source.. like lights on the grids but not flashlights. It would be annoying if the heroes could communicate through so clearly Walkie Talkies.. are too far from their power source so they get disrupted. The blood of these creatures that REALLY look like H.R. Giger’s Iconic Alien are called Zenoe…(such an orginal name) and their blood can cause kids to grow parasites that can brain control them when it is injected into them. When you inject the blood of a Zenoe into your system…when you are the bad guy it works differently however.. then you control the Zeno! To get an adult under control fast.. and turn them into a parasyte zombie, you can also make them swallow a Zenoe larvae which causes the creature to latch on to your spin and brain control you.. within a second after swallowing it.

Alone in the Dark (2005) Review |BasementRejects

So they sound like really powerful creatures yet they have a few weaknesses. They can hurt by certain specific frequencies of light and elements 75 to 79, the latter being gold. Ah they got the atomic number of gold correct! Gold can disrupt their electro communication and will instantly kill them…so of course to shoot them the government developed some sci-fi hi tech bullet which is made out of trapped photons and will a luminescent film. Basically.. weaponized light.. in ultra specific frequencies. Gold Bullets would work.. but that sounds way more expensive right?! The biggest weakness these creatures have however is that they seize to exist at the end of the movie! We get a lot of shoot outs filled with machine guns (that had their power source destroyed yet still work) and one overstylised duke nukem like clip with everyone killing the Zenoe and their zombie humans.. but in the end… a million Zenoe survive…On the surface there are at least a dozen left.. except when the movie is over.. they are all gone. That is one lucky weakness! And plot convenience point in the bag.

Is the movie historically inaccurate?! Yes, the Abkani are classified as a native American tribe, which in many ways they are but Boll more often than once associates Cherokee like artifacts with them, while in actuality they were closer to the Mayan’s and aztecs, and while the McGuffin of the movie does fit that style.. the museum the first half o this movie is set in misses the mark completely… but I guess that makes sense as Aline is not a good scientist. Now I am nitpicky here..but if your movie is about an Abkani artifact and 70% of the movie is about deciphering some Abkani artefact, I’d use actual Abkani script. Boll doesn’t do that, in fact he uses a font so blatantly non native American I really REALLY noticed. As a European we do not get a lot of American history.. but I could tell whatever that script was it was not Abkani. So I googled it to see if it might have been lost to the Annals of time.. but no it’s not. Not a single letter resembles Abkani. The games do a much better job! But who cares about the mystery and the creepiness.. this is Alone in the Dark movies! Guns go Brrrrrr! And when they do… they look ugly as heck! So yay for more points!

What am I watching here?!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

So you may have noticed I haven’t really told you yet what this movie is about… and that’s not because I did not want to.. but because I do not know. Carnby finds a relic.. and discovers his history is filled with mystery.. while an evil scientist wants to collect all four artifacts.. to open a gateway to a dark realm. He wants to open this gateway because ……….. he found a door I guess?! Carnby goes on a journey to discover he was an experiment and the organisation he once worked for created these alien type things.. except seconds later we see they did not.. they just exist in the dark realm as well. Aline tags along because.. she was there. Yet the best thing is the villain. He needs a coffin to be opened to unleash the Zenoe..but he doesn’t want it opened or the Zenoe released..

He wants the relic piece that is hidden in this sarcophagus..because he needs it to release the Zenoe from that door thing. He also manages to capture one.. despite hiding on a ship to weak to fight them.. cause their blood in his system makes them control them! So with all of them he might be able to rule the world or something?! He never tells his goal.. just that he wants this portal/door opened… which is located in his secret base by the way. Which was build in an ancient Abkani trap thing filled with evil worm things…which is located in a mine somewhere near San Francisco I think. So I guess that is the bad villain point obtained! As I really have no clue what he was about! Like none! Everything contradicts itself.

Game - Movie Review: Alone In The Dark (2005) - Games, Brrraaains & A Head-Banging Life

Are there any other nonsensical scenes?! Yes.. just about everything! There is a war against the Zenoe going on top of the mine.. but it doesnt contribute anything to the story, the events do not change at all from it… AT ALL. But I know guns gotta go BRRRRR because Alone in The Dark is such an action heavy guns go BRRRR kinda franchise. The best scene we get right at the end though. Carnby and Aline need to get into the secret base so an ally blows up a wall for them with a packet of explosives.. they casually stroll away as the package leaves a perfect door shaped hole for them! However mere moments later when the gate to darkness has been opened and a million or so Zenoe come running towards the group to destroy the world.. the rival character takes out a single packet of explosives and throws it and now he blows up seemingly himself and the entire mine! Only Carnby and Aline escaped. The soldier lived as well is later revealed.. but they leave him for dead anyway and the movie doesn’t bring him up again so probably he died.. and the movie ends with Edward and Aline being attacked by a Zenoe.. or seemingly so.. in broad daylight.. the one thing that killed the,. So I guess a point for stupid scenes as well.

GG Mr Boll

Dear Mister Boll, you have really outdone yourself this time.. sure the movie is not as gross and toxicity masculine as your other flicks, but this might be one of the worst written movies I have ever seen… and I have seen Birdemic and the Room… this feels than either of those! There is also NO style to this movie. It’s about a native american tribe yet the main music theme has arab style instruments to it, one combat scene is hyper stylised filled with heavy metal music while the second battle scene is shot like a war movie with yet a whole other style of music. The acting is god awful as well, especially from Tara Reid. She is just there and goes from dork to badass and there is no character there.

Alone in the Dark streaming: where to watch online?

So many scenes could have benefitted from a second take, and there are so many inconsistencies throughout this movie. Aline has a wound that constantly changes position, Edward I am pretty sure has a shape shifting gun, no one notices a museum being shot up, ice is sitting at an abandoned plant! You know Ice melts right Mr Boll?! You know ice doesn’t completely disintegrate from a single revolver bullet right? A sheet of ice would.. but this thing was massive. You know that building a ladder directly next to a pitfall trap isn’t a good idea either right? Also the fact that this pitfall has not been discovered in an active mine or a formerly active mind would beg the question how much work these mine workers actually did.

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Internet Movie Firearms Database - Guns in Movies, TV and Video Games

This is a horrible HORRIBLE movie! It isn’t even so bad it’s good.. it’s more of an enjoyment that something can be so fundamentally wrong! I always claim good and bad is just a matter of opinion, and I stand by that, this in the eyes of the (VERY VERY) drunk beholder might be mindless entertainment.. but you really need to be practically braindead if you think this is a cohesive story. Everything pulls you out of it.. so just for a moment Mister Boll, you made me think that factually bad movies exist! If there is one.. besides Manos Hands of Fate, your movie might be the one! You are the Ed Wood of your generation! Guys if you want to see a disaster without people actually dying go watch this movie! It is complete and utter Bollshit!

Have you ever seen this movie?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie?! Do you think Uwe Boll will come and beat me up?! Do you know a bad movie you want me to review? Let me know in the comments! Let’s talk a bit because you know! Friendship is Magic! Time for a little princess nap! *Quack* Oyasumi!

Pinkie’s Guilty Movie “Pleasures”: Dragonball Evolution

What do you get when you combine Power Rangers, Avatar the Last Airbender, Karate Kid and a whole lot of “teenage” hormones? Well Dragon Ball of course! Not just any regular Dragon Ball either but.. their EVOLUTION!

Dragonball

Sometimes movies can be so bad they are good. This is not exactly one of THOSE movies. This movie does something else, this movie is so aggressively unfaithful to its source material, this movie is such a trainwreck that it is just fascinating to watch. It’s like an enigma. How could things have gotten so wrong? It’s so bad they even spell Dragon Ball wrong. That’s two different words! Not one… even though spelling it as one word does make a lot more sense. It still is not correct. So when you are already misspelling the title you know you are in for a treat.

Within the first five minutes, which include still images like opening titles and production studio logos there are six major inconsistencies to mythos. Ozaaru is a demon, Piccolo’s backstory is different, using Ki is called airbending, Goku is seventeen, Goku has trouble with learning Ki… uhm I mean air bending the Mafubaa is now something completely unrelated to everything else. Luckily this is Dragonball and not Dragon Ball.. so that is okay… right?

Next we see Goku as your typical teen, that feels more akin to Sam Rami’s take on Peter Parker than the character we know and love. Now obviously this movie can’t be cast with a six year old kid or something as it would simply not work out. During the Piccolo arc, which obviously is not the first in the anime, thus timewise this makes no sense either, Goku was a bit older… but sure I can forgive this choice from a logistical perspective. Filming this with a child actor would be tedious and would not work nearly as well as it could in animated form. I wonder if Justin Chatwin was the right pick for an 18 year old boy because clearly he is much older…fine. The whole whitewashing Goku thing is nonsensical because he is an alien, he could be about any ethnicity.. of course in this movie he is just hell spawn.. so I guess a white straight cisgender privileged male makes about as much sense as anything else in this movie.

Dawsons Creek

After our first fight which involves grandpa Gohan swallowing a fly to a cartoon sound effect we move onto Goku’s highschool live. The girl he likes is with this Chad guy played by an actor named Texas Battle.. now that is a Badass name and sounds like an assistant to All Might. Yet no.. in this movie he is a guy who randomly picks on Goku because…looking like Justin Chatwin makes you a wimp? It is never explained. Now in class we get an exposition scene about an eclipse happening in two weeks and in the most pedantic the teacher tries to teach the school what an eclipse is as the movie tries to force us backstory down the troat by having a half asleep Goku claims that his grandpa believes it is the sign that the Nameks will use to destroy the world.

Now I know this movie is not Dragon Ball.. its Dragonball but in the original source material Piccolo Junior (the Piccolo we know in the series) and Kami do not find out they are aliens until Dragon Ball Z, which allows for a whole lot of mysticism. Now this might not seem to bad but this leads to a chain reaction. Since Oozaru , a demon spawned from the earth serves Piccolo they already do not feel connected in this story.. why would demons and aliens work together. Is it because old Piccolo’s nickname is Demon King Piccolo?! That was a title he chose because he did not know who he was! Why make him King of Demon’s while he is an alien.. those two do not connect well. It also kiled the concept of Super Saiyan from the get go… even before they knew this movie would not get sequals.. If Nameks are aliens they would know of Saiyans and not call them demons…. also a person from Namek is not called a Namek… it’s a Namekian! I am beginning to get angry! And we are just 12 minutes in!

To woo Chichi Goku uses his Ki…I mean airbending to open a locker, now he suddenly airbend while before it was established he can’t do it. So simply by being horney.. he gains power… and this is not the only time it happens.. it’s actually a driving force behind Goku’s power troughout the entire movie. His competence rises with his Libido. Goku is supposed to be about as Ace as I am.. sure he has kids so technically like me he would be grey sexual but the point is the whole character was once build around not caring for these things! So not only do they get his age wrong, potentially his ethnicity wrong, his demeanour wrong and his aptitude wrong.. also his motivations, knowledge and even his SPECIES are wrong. Instead we of Goku get a super powered Dawson Leery trying to woo a girl.

Uncle Ben is that you?

Chichi is the girl Goku likes obviously and because he blew up everyone’s lockers and cluttered the floor, she decides to invite him to a party..on his birthday, which without even considering his grandpa goes along with that. While his grandpa is cooking a feast for his birthday Goku decides to say nothing to him and he just takes off… just so the bullies want to beat him up for showing at a party. Goku beats the bullies by dodging them, claiming it is okay because he did not fight…. these bullies meanwhile come at him with metal rods… what kind of bullies are these? This is not even good high school drama.The fight is sort of entertaining because of how stupid it is though. With some pretty bad effects, even for the time and some very odd choices of the bullies they soon bite the dust.. destroying Texas Battle’s characters car in the end. This of course pleases ChiChi very much because I would be thrilled if people started a fight that leaves a totalled car on my front porch as well.

ChiChi tries to come on to Goku but Piccolo shows up and Grandpa Gohan’s house and Darth Vader’s Hands Gohan into dying.. after which he force pulls the entire house down on the man… because I forgot to mention this.. but he is looking for the Dragonballs, which he gave to Goku earlier. Goku suddenly can sense this.. and runs back home. To find the house less destroyed than it was before and his grandpa covered by two sheets of wood. Gohan tells Goku that he needs to find all the seven dragonballs and stop Piccolo becasue after being sealed by the Mafuba 2000 years ago he returned…. how he did that is never explained it just happend. At least when Rita Repulsa returned in Power Rangers we saw some astronauts open the dumpster that held her.. Piccolo is just back.. and he has a servant named Mai because she was in the original series and we need an evil woman to fight Bulma.

Grandpa Gohan with his dying breath tells Goku that with great power comes great responsibility, using different words and Goku is upset for letting his grandpa down. Who gifted him an orange Gi from beyond the grave, coincidentally in one of the rooms of the house that has not been destroyed. We see Goku bury his grandpa when Bulma invades his house. Her father’s Orb as stolen.. of which she knows nothing about.. but she managed to build a device that is attuned to it’s wavelength so she can locate it now that it is stolen. To her knowledge it was just a pretty thing though so why build that radar?

At least the original Bulma knew what they did so it makes sense she built a radar. They decide to join forces to find the Dragon Balls and Goku dubs the device A Dragonball Energy meter.. to Which Bulma says DBE.. I like it.. NO! NO! That is not a good joke! Dragon Ball Z gets nicknamed DBZ.. so Dragon Ball Evolution of course would be DBE ..but you named it Dragonball not Dragon Ball! Yet now when it’s convenient it becomes two seperate words?! This movie is not even consistent with it’s own title!

Go Go Goku

By now we are only about 30 minutes in. There is an hour left, Goku goes to find Master Roshi as his grandpa commanded.. who now is way younger than Grandpa Gohan.. .like waaaaaay younger but he was his master. Which is fine if you say he is long lived because of his Ki or something but no one even bats an eye that a 50 year looking dude taught a 70 year old life time martial artist?! At least give it a mention! Thank Arceus Bulma finds a dirty book though and Roshi grabs her butt and she threatens him for it.. this sequence is the only thing that resembles Dragon Ball.

Yet they have to ruin it by making this movie dumb again. Roshi forgot where he put his Dragon Ball/Dragonball so they have to look.. suddenly the DBE meter doesn’t work.. and Goku can sense the Dragon Ball/Dragonball.. this is the only time this happens.. later they establish that the DBE can detect these relics with pinpoint precision and when the device is not usable Goku can not sense it.. There are so many plot holes here that even the most avid Dragon Ball fan can’t find the crater with Yamcha anymore!

This movie only gets worse, the group gets trapped in a hole by Yamcha that Roshi can just jump out off yet they spend an entire night in that crater whining about how they are running out of time, which in itself is a plot hole. Piccolo must make his wish during some sort of special solar eclipse named the blood moon for some reason and no on realise.. hey we could just keep a dragon ball/dragonball from him… no they have go gather them all…so they can wish for his defeat? But halfway down the movie they realise this will not work so they do decide on just keeping the balls away.. somewhere down the road and to use the Mafuba to seal away Piccolo again..bringing the Dragon Balls closer to him.

Let’s not forget that the entire world never notices that Piccolo has a floating sky fortress… which stops being a thing all together at one point.. he destroys cities and people in the world don’t seem to notice. This is really really bad. At one point Piccolo can use his blood to create what can only be called Putty Patrollers. That’s right Power Ranger Putty Patrollers are in this movie. One Dragon Ball/Dragonball is in a volcano but they can not cross the lava because they can not fly yet.. suddenly they are attacked by the putties and Goku and Roshi fight them off when Goku uses them to build a bridge.

Sure they are monsters but clearly they are alive. Goku should not really be so murderous that he tosses these in lava to form platform but he does… also without the bad guy’s intervention they would not have gotten to the Dragon Ball.. well that can happen right?! The bad guys might be trying to reach the same location at the same time and thus the fight would enable the good guys in the end? No! Mai apparently was on the other side all along not touching the Dragon Ball/dragonballl for some reason until she can hold Goku at gunpoint. Why send in the putties when your enemy is in the wrong place… how did you even get there?!

Kamehamehorney

Not a single scene makes any sense at all. After the Volcano the group decides they don’t have time to find the other Dragon Balls in time so they must learn the Mafuba.. or more like.. get it.. as it’s a spell you can like take along with you apparently. This leads to Goku reuniting with Chichi who participates in the world Tournament.. Goku doesn’t care about such a match because he does not care about fighting, or the tournament.. he does care about Chichi… I honestly do not know how they do it but that single situational descriptor of a simple situation is 100% wrong… like they could not even be more off had they actually set it out as their goal to make an Anti-Goku.

This leads to the worst scene of the entire movie.. Goku learning the Kamehameha. Which now has the power to gently light candles on fire as Roshi demonstrates… yet Goku can not mimic this straight away..invalidating possibly the most iconic scene of entire original series.. Goku doing this complex technique on his first try. Now this would be enough to insult any fans to the core..but they make it WAAAAY worse. Chichi shows up telling him.. that if Goku can use the Kamehameha to light all the candles ..he can stand next to her and they can “kiss” this prompts Goku to grasp the concept of this technique. The two kiss and we fade to black. And we pick up with a scene of Chichi sneaking out of his room.

However this is not Chichi this is Mai in disguise who earlier drew some blood form Chichi which allows her to transform into Chichi… Goku however was not in his room.. perhaps he was at Chichi’s room.. so she is found out. The technique already feels stupid and forced.. but hey guess what it gets worse. When Chichi fights my in ther tournament Mai had no way of knowing who Chichi actually is to Goku, nor does it makes sense she knew the group would gave up pursuit of the dragon balls instead, nor that their alternative technique would be taught there.

If we consider “Piccolo must have sense the dragon balls/dragonballs they carry’ that is something the group would know as he found plenty already. Why would you leave the Dragonballs alone in your room when you know the enemy can detect them. Either way you look at this it doesn’t make sense and the only viable explanation is.. Goku got careless because he wanted to get it on with Chichi which is about the most un-dragon ball you can get for an explanation.

Oh No Za Ru

Mai kinda kills Goku with some kind of Gassy Energy Shot thing.. because in the doppelganger fight Goku decides and hits the wrong Chichi.. even though he learned how to sense energy and should have mastered it because Kamehameha is the highest form of Airbending. Now dead.. in the same way Harry Potter died in that last movie, Goku sees his grandfather who tells him it is not his time yet, after which Master Roshi Fires a Kamehameha into Goku..which now has the power to revive and heal people as well. He gets up, they leave Chichi unconscious on the floor which is the second closet actual dragon ball moment in this movie, and pursue Mai and Piccolo who now head to the Dragon Temple..which is the location where you need to use all the Dragon Balls.

Yamcha now has a hovercraft/ flying car hummer which promptly gets shot down and while they are crashing.. Goku decides to switch into his Gi… yes .. while they are crashing! While his friends lie in pain out of the car we see Goku posing in his new Gi for like half a minute.. not even looking if they are okay he decides to face king Piccolo. Swearing Piccolo he will defeat Oozaru. Piccolo reveals to Goku he is Oozaru and the blood moon will turn him… yeesz.. a once in a lifetime solar eclipse turning you into a giant monkey? How unpratic… it’s not even gonna be a giant monkey is it?!

So Goku turns into a not so great..I’d even so slightly tinier than average Ape and kills Roshi… by the way that whole Mafuba plot line got discarded by the evil Namek blowing up the urn with ease. His regret causes him to change back into Goku and the final fight begins. The final fight is about is massively lackluster and looks like a 1 on 1 match of splatoon with some pretty harmless colourful projectiles flying about. Suddenly Goku is as strong as Piccolo so I guess he must really be horney after having been turned into a tiny gorilla.

The fight feels very throwaway and not Dragon Ball at all. With one final Kamehameha.. which is also the first one.. the conflict is ended… the iconic technique is not done justice of course. Instead they combine with with a visual more akin to the Super Dragon Fist with Goku flying through Piccolo.. like in the classic.. but instead of the hole.. which would make no sense we just see a blue explosion. So it has neither the pleasing elements of the Dragon Fist nor the Kamehameha.. That takes some skill on it’s own to combine both and get non of the joy!

With the evil defeated, Goku magically learns the enchantment to summon Shenlong… because why would they get that name correct..and instead of wishing for the people that got killed in this incident to be returned the group just wishes for Roshi back. A touching sentiment but given that they would be given one ABSOLUTE wish..a bit lackluster. Given how the Earth Dragon Balls are supposed to bring back multiple people.. they even got the dragon balls/dragonballs themselves wrong!

Gotta Heed to Call Skip on Dragonball

I haven’t even said anything about the bad acting, the sub par cgi and the lack of an interesting musical score. Not only does this movie not work as a Dragon Ball flick, it is written so bad that even with different flavor this plot would have made no sense , with huge logic leaps bad writing and the worst implementation of a franchise ever. Avatar the Last Airbender the movie is a masterpiece compared to this.. the Room had more structure in its writing and Troll 2 had better effects and payoffs. Yet there is something fascinating about this movie. I would not call it enjoyment.. I would not say I had fun .. but I stared in awe as this movie unfolded. There wasn’t a single moment where I did not want to turn of this movie but I constantly kept wondering.. they can not mess it up more than this right? Just to see it progressively worsen as we go along.

As a random movie this is a pile of digimon doodoo but as Dragon Ball/Dragonball Product this is the single WORST movie I have ever seen.. and I have seen Rubber. Which is a movie about a car tire with mental capabilities to explode peoples head..with a meta subplot of cops killing an audience mixed in. DBE is not so bad it’s good.. it’s so bad it’s fascinating.