Tag: Uwe Boll

Pissy Princess Pinkie: Alone In the Dark.. an Uwe Boll Film

Hear ye hear ye!   Princess Pinkie  is here with a new movie post!


My loyal guest and subjects, it has come to my attention that at times the blogosphere can be a bit sweet!  We avoid negative posts, yet at the same time we avoid having overly sweet posts as well! Since I do sometimes really hate things and sometimes REALLY REALLY love things, I made two new columns, the one in the near future to discuss things I blindly adore… and one where we just rant on how bad something is! That can be really fun after all… luckily dear mister Boll can always provide content for the latter.

Boll Bingo!

Video game filmmaker Uwe Boll quits, but still gets the last laugh - Polygon

I am back to watching video game adaptations.. but I now am passing on the very mediocre ones, I am now only taking my anger out on the bottom of the barrel. Because sometimes being negative can be fun as well.. So I created a game called Boll Bingo. A series of ideas I expect from a Uwe Boll movie by now. I have become quite familiar with the abominations that Boll calls “work” . Just like you can recognise Tarintino by his dialogue style, character types and music chocies. This also applies to Mr Boll! God Bless his lack of skill! So there are   ten signals that this is a shitty Uwe Boll Movie. These are the points I chose:

1. This Movie will be set in no specific location, and never will be.
2. The movie will feature a skimpily dressed female/and or objectifies women.
3. Fight Choreography will employ a lot of jump cuts and will not make any sense.
4. Stuff happens because the plot needs it to happen rather than a natural progression.
5. This movie is historically rather inaccurate!
6. Some scenes will look extremely ugly and fake… think “Original Sci-Fi Channel Movies
7. The main villain will not make sense. 
8. There will be a LOT of bad writing and nonsensical scenes.
9. There will be a guy in it Boll uses for all his movies.
10. It has little to nothing to do with the source material.

Image gallery for Alone in the Dark - FilmAffinity

With these ten points we were well armed to take one of the most notoriously bad Uwe Boll movies ever. Alone in the Dark! Scoring a 2.4 on IMBD, and holding a 11% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes.. this is the Uwe Boll movie that not even Uwe Boll fans seem to like…and yes there are Boll fans out there! This movie gets the least amount of love! Which is a good thing for me.. because I HATE … and I mean HATE Uwe Boll’s sense of humor. So perhaps this one will be tolerable for me!  Like many of Uwe Boll’s first movies in a series this starts some fairly famous actors in the form of Christian Slater and Tara Reid but also that main villain from the first Blade movie in the form of Stepehn Dorff. That usually doesn’t mean these movies are any good though.. but see why this movie sucks so much!  Time for bingo. Let’s find out the score! Oh and speaking of cast Will Sanderson is in this movie! He plays in just about every Uwe Boll Movie so that is one point already! Woop!


The Joy of Horrible Writing

So let’s check point one?! Is the movie set in a location?! No! In traditional Uwe Boll fashion it is set in “the city”  and “mines’ where are those mines? Somewhere in the USA , apparently both on helicopter distance AND walking distance from the city! Because set pieces need to happen and helicopters are all cool and military I guess. We also get treated to a ship out in the middle of the ocean, salvaging another ship that gets pilotted back to said city.. as soon as noises get quiet and AFTER the entire staff has been killed…neatly docked at a minor little peer as well! Even in the opening credits.. which are narrated by a very trailer guy sounding voice.. we never get a location. He mentions stuff.. but I am none the wiser. Thanks Mister Boll.. that is some horrible writing already done! Clever though.. this way you can swap between all sorts of sets and string them together by any mode of transport available! Dark Souls World Building for the win!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - IMDb

Point number two is however where we miss a point. The Story follows Christian Slater, playing Edward Carnby and Tara Reid portraying Aline Cedrac two characters that actually are in the game. Carnby grew up in an Orphanage..much like the games and has been infused with a parasitic life form that could turn him into a zombie like creature working for the forces of evil…but that parasite is dead cause he sat in a high voltage box thing when he was a kid. Aline Cedrac instead of being an archaeologist this time is an anthropologist. I have to admit, this is a smart choice as you can bind her more to the location she needed to be bound to. That being said.. she wears a white science coat, a pair of glasses and has her hair tied up. So she looks like a clip-art of a female scientist. 

She studied Abkani most of her career and can read their ancient scriptures like it is nothing (But more on that later) .. yet is unable to correctly pronounce Newfoundland..and despite knowing this civilisation died out 10.000 years ago , and she is being chased by monsters released from Abkani tombs, she has NO idea why the Abkani would split a relic in four pieces and hide it on opposites site of the world.  So she isn’t the brighest of scientist. To make up for it she does know how to be 100% accurate with an SMG despite probably never ever having held a gun. She has no sex scene with Carnby though.. so instead of a porn character we get a cardboard cutout based on female scientist clipart… A lot better.. but no point for me!

Alone in the Dark (2005) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

Luckily point number 3 is mine indeed best illustrated by the opening sequence. Carnby lands in the USA and the bad-guy who we see put out a kill order on Carnby.. tries really hard to convince us he is a good guy! Yet one of these zombie people that are a big plot point in the movie.. somehow managed to hijack a taxi with no one noticing and he begins ramming Carnby’s taxi. To escape a guy that clearly is trying to kill him at all costs Carnby orders the taxi to drive onto a crowded fish market.. so we can get breaking market stall footage. Edwards car crashes and he orders the taxi driver to allow himself to be rammed by the other taxi.. while Edward escapes.. punches a cop and takes his gun.  Which is a revolver..because all cops carry those.  It’s powerful as heck because next Edward shoots through a massive block of ice.. sitting on conveyor belts of an Abandoned ice factory.

The guy doesn’t die from being shot in the heart. So Edward decides he is best off punching this guy real hard. They randomly slide each other on these conveyer belts.. at the still abandoned lot, rather than killing him in the shadows the Assassin drags Carnby out in the open.. where there is a spike conveniently placed at the spot where normally a truck would park to be loaded up… but here there is a rusty spike..implying this plant ..filled with ice blocks has not been used in years. So of course Edward impales the bad guy.. which kills him .. and Edward walks off.. without the cop he punched and stole his gun from ever bothering him again. He is dressed in this really specific trench coat as well so it’s not like the cop would not be able to recognise him.. he just decided to let him go. All shots look kinda neat in theory.. but it tells no story at all and does not feel like a natural fight at all.

Thanks for the point Mr Boll!

Guns go Brrrrrrr

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

The last scene already illustrates point four is in as well but it gets a lot worse. The monsters of this movie are dark alien looking creatures that can turn invisible and disrupt the light because they emit some sort of emp…emp that only disrupts electrical currents that are far away from it’s source.. like lights on the grids but not flashlights. It would be annoying if the heroes could communicate through so clearly Walkie Talkies.. are too far from their power source so they get disrupted. The blood of these creatures that REALLY look like H.R. Giger’s Iconic Alien are called Zenoe…(such an orginal name)  and their blood can cause kids to grow parasites that can brain control them when it is injected into them. When you inject the blood of a Zenoe into your system…when you are the bad guy it works differently however.. then you control the Zeno!  To get an adult under control fast.. and turn them into a parasyte zombie, you can also make them swallow a Zenoe larvae which causes the creature to latch on to your spin and brain control you.. within a second after swallowing it.

Alone in the Dark (2005) Review |BasementRejects

So they sound like really powerful creatures yet they have a few weaknesses. They can hurt by certain specific frequencies of light and elements 75 to 79, the latter being gold. Ah they got the atomic number of gold correct!  Gold can disrupt their electro communication and will instantly kill them…so of course to shoot them the government developed some sci-fi hi tech bullet which is made out of trapped photons and will a luminescent film. Basically.. weaponized light.. in ultra specific frequencies.  Gold Bullets would work.. but that sounds way more expensive right?!  The biggest weakness these creatures have however is that they seize to exist at the end of the movie!  We get a lot of shoot outs filled with machine guns (that had their power source destroyed yet still work)  and one overstylised duke nukem like clip with everyone killing  the Zenoe and their zombie humans.. but in the end… a million Zenoe survive…On the surface there are at least a dozen left.. except when the movie is over.. they are all gone. That is one lucky weakness! And plot convenience point in the bag.

Alone in the Dark (2005) | The Bad Movie Marathon

Is the movie historically inaccurate?!  Yes, the Abkani are classified as a native American tribe, which in many ways they are but Boll more often than once associates Cherokee like artifacts with them, while in actuality they were closer to the Mayan’s and aztecs, and while the McGuffin of the movie does fit that style.. the museum the first half o this movie is set in misses the mark completely… but I guess that makes sense as Aline is not a good scientist. Now I am nitpicky here..but if your movie is about an Abkani artifact and 70% of the movie is about deciphering some Abkani artefact, I’d use actual Abkani script. Boll doesn’t do that, in fact he uses a font so blatantly non native American I really REALLY noticed. As a European we do not get a lot of American history.. but I could tell whatever that script was it was not Abkani. So I googled it to see if it might have been lost to the Annals of time.. but no it’s not. Not a single letter resembles Abkani. The games do a much better job! But who cares about the mystery and the creepiness.. this is Alone in the Dark movies! Guns go Brrrrrr! And when they do… they look ugly as heck! So yay for more points!

What am I watching here?!

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

So you may have noticed I haven’t really told you yet what this movie is about… and that’s not because I did not want to.. but because I do not know. Carnby finds a relic.. and discovers his history is filled with mystery.. while an evil scientist wants to collect all four artifacts.. to open a gateway to a dark realm. He wants to open this gateway because ……….. he found a door I guess?! Carnby goes on a journey to discover he was an experiment and the organisation he once worked for created these alien type things.. except seconds later we see they did not.. they just exist in the dark realm as well. Aline tags along because.. she was there. Yet the best thing is the villain.  He needs a coffin to be opened to unleash the Zenoe..but he doesn’t want it opened or the Zenoe released..

He wants the relic piece that is hidden in this sarcophagus..because he needs it to release the Zenoe from that door thing. He also manages to capture one.. despite hiding on a ship to weak to fight them.. cause their blood in his system makes them control them! So with all of them he might be able to rule the world or something?! He never tells his goal.. just that he wants this portal/door opened… which is located in his secret base by the way.  Which was build in an ancient Abkani trap thing filled with evil worm things…which is located in a mine somewhere near San Francisco I think.  So I guess that is the bad villain point obtained! As I really have no clue what he was about! Like none!  Everything contradicts itself.

Game - Movie Review: Alone In The Dark (2005) - Games, Brrraaains & A Head-Banging Life

Are there any other nonsensical scenes?! Yes.. just about everything! There is a war against the Zenoe going on top of the mine.. but it doesnt contribute anything to the story, the events do not change at all from it… AT ALL. But I know guns gotta go BRRRRR because Alone in The Dark is such an action heavy guns go BRRRR kinda franchise.  The best scene we get right at the end though. Carnby and Aline need to get into the secret base so an ally blows up a wall for them with a packet of explosives.. they casually stroll away as the package leaves a perfect door shaped hole for them!  However mere moments later when the gate to darkness has been opened and a million or so Zenoe come running towards the group to destroy the world.. the rival character takes out a single packet of explosives and throws it and now he blows up seemingly himself and the entire mine! Only Carnby and Aline escaped. The soldier lived as well is later revealed.. but they leave him for dead anyway and the movie doesn’t bring him up again so probably he died.. and the movie ends with Edward and Aline being attacked by a Zenoe.. or seemingly so.. in broad daylight.. the one thing that killed the,. So I guess a point for stupid scenes as well.

GG Mr Boll

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

Dear Mister Boll, you have really outdone yourself this time.. sure the movie is not as gross and toxicity masculine as your other flicks, but this might be one of the worst written movies I have ever seen… and I have seen Birdemic and the Room… this feels than either of those! There is also NO style to this movie. It’s  about a native american tribe yet the main music theme has arab style instruments to it, one combat scene is hyper stylised filled with heavy metal music while the second battle scene is shot  like a war movie with yet a whole other style of music. The acting is god awful as well, especially from Tara Reid. She is just there and goes from dork to badass and there is no character there. 

Alone in the Dark streaming: where to watch online?

So many scenes could have benefitted from a second take, and there are so many inconsistencies throughout this movie. Aline has a wound that constantly changes position,  Edward I am pretty sure has a shape shifting gun, no one notices a museum being shot up, ice is sitting at an abandoned plant! You know Ice melts right Mr Boll?! You know  ice doesn’t completely disintegrate from a single revolver bullet right? A sheet of ice would.. but this thing was massive. You know that building a ladder directly next to a pitfall trap isn’t a good idea either right? Also the fact that this pitfall has not been discovered in an active mine or a formerly active mind would beg the question how much work these mine workers actually did.  

Alone in the Dark (2005) - Internet Movie Firearms Database - Guns in Movies, TV and Video Games

This is a horrible HORRIBLE movie! It isn’t even so bad it’s good.. it’s more of an enjoyment that something can be so fundamentally wrong! I always claim good and bad is just a matter of opinion, and I stand by that, this in the eyes of the (VERY VERY) drunk beholder might be mindless entertainment.. but you really need to be practically braindead if you think this is a cohesive story. Everything pulls you out of it.. so just for a moment Mister Boll, you made me think that factually bad movies exist!  If there is one.. besides Manos Hands of Fate,  your movie might be the one! You are the Ed Wood of your generation! Guys if you want to see a disaster without people actually dying go watch this movie! It is complete and utter Bollshit!

Уве Болл — Lurkmore

Have you ever seen this movie?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie?! Do you think Uwe Boll will come and beat me up?! Do you know a bad movie you want me to review? Let me know in the comments! Let’s talk a bit because you know! Friendship is Magic! Time for a little princess nap! *Quack* Oyasumi!

Bloodless Bollsheviks and Soulless Suckers! Boll’s Best BloodRayne! Third Reich Review!

Hello Island Guests! I have done it! I have made my way through all the BloodRayne movies! The third movie was a surprising experience! Not only are the rules of vampirism redefined in the same franchise once again …and even in the movie.. but this movie actually dare I say it offers a somewhat okay story. Could it be there is hope for Mister Boll?!

I am not even sure that’ the main actress on the cover let alone that she wore an outfit she actually wears

Third Time’s the Charm

Mister Boll, while on average a horrible movie maker and possibly a worse person, actually managed to craft something that is eligible for the title movie this time. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that the writing this time mostly comes from Michael..who is mostly known for doing stuff for Uwe Boll movies! The BloodRayne movies that came before were just a few action scenes linked together, with some softcore porn, convenient exposition and  horrible camera transitions. I am glad to inform you that this time we have an actual story that moves from A to B and the scenes in between only have two of the three usual filler bits. The movie actually uses Rayne’s unique nature to give us a new type of antagonist that feels like we actually scale things up for a sequel and the plans of the bad guys as a result more or less make sense! Whoop Whoop! That is how you do it Mister Boll.

I can believe some blood fell in his mouth! Way to go Mister Boll!

Rayne works with the Bolsheviks in this movie, not that you would know as they aren’t even named that except for an insult once. Never is the location disclosed either. It’s “somewhere in europe” but given that there seem to be concentration camps in the neighbourhood so I guess it is set in Poland?! Rayne rescues some jews from the train but in doing so she accidentally infects an SS officer with her blood. She feeds on him as well. This results in him becoming a Vampire and not a Dhampir  that can walk in the sunlight. His Lieutenant and a crazy scientist investigate and decide. They discover Rayne’s blood is a source of power and want to obtain more of it so they can turn Hitler immortal! However the vampirified commandant spirals more and more out of control himself.  Wow that’s like TWO things happening at once! Good Job Mister Boll!

Vampire Hitler sounds about as entertaining as Sharknado!

The commandant has no name by the way.. if you read the box art he is named Ekart Brand but he is never named in the movie itself, nor does he have a name on the credits. Same goes for the evil doctor and the lieutenant. This movie .. got adapted into Uwe Boll’s Horror Comedy.. Blubberella.. which is basically the exact same story but Dhampir is now half vampire,  and the main character is fat. Every other person except for some actual prostitutes Boll hired for BloodRayne  are cast in the same roll! Only in Blubberalla Hitler has been recast. Uwe Boll wanted to play him himself.  So.. oddly enough if you want to see a more offensive version of this movie with characters named Slutlana.. you have an option here!  Also it’s weird that Uwe Boll Plagiarized himself… BloodRayne 3 is the better version of the two though… so hey.. when you watched the best version of this story if you watch this one as well! That is smart mister Boll.. Also that’s kind of disgusting that you rehash your own plot for a fat joke!

At least the characters in THIS movie were shot nicely!

When it’s  Rayne it’s poor!

While the movie is competently written , I did find this the most poorly acted one out of the lot.  Rayne and the Doctor who have the most screen time are HORRIBLE actors in this movie. Nathassia Malte does such a poor job in this movie, her lines are very wooden and her acting is very apathetic. There is no emotion at all. Maybe a bit  in her sex scenes but when she is supposed to be concerned… well .. let’s just say I was happy there was an actual story to follow! The acting Rayne does isn’t bad in the Tommy Wisseau way. Where Johnny feels like an Alien’s interpretation of a human Rayne here feels like an actor that isn’t really trying. The “this is for a paycheck” acting. Which extends to most of the main cast. The best acting comes from characters like “prostitute”  or Magda. The first may or may not be an actual prostitute as Uwe Boll has more than once done this, and the second is this blond decoder lady. Who allegedly decrypted the decoder. The latter has to mostly play acting upon acting and she can get away with some cheesiness. The first gets turned into a vampire (as does Magda later on)  and both go very  hammy in all their acting.. but it seems fun! Good job on casting them mister Boll! Boo for Nathassia though. I have to say .. she sucks!

Whoops! Looks like I made two enemies in the Boll Universe now!

Where Natassia Malte is the queen of coasting, Doctor played by Clint Howard is the king of “that’s not how you say that”.  His delivery seems off! Not in the funny way either. Part of it is because of how the doctor is written. He is one of those “cartoon” mad scientists. However those are on screen way less than one in a movie. That level of energy is not something you can keep up for 75 minutes (as that’s the length of this movie give or take minus credits). There is a difference between a cartoon and a real character. Clint Howard doesn’t commit to one and he switches between cartoony energy and more grounded character and that makes him stick out like a sore thumb. It’s not like he is god-awful.. or well maybe he is but I’ve seen worse. I feel more like he is a capable man but the director should have said.. “let’s try that with one more take, it’s very close but maybe a  bit less/more cartoony here”. As a result this movie at times gave me Ed Wood vibes. Where Ed did not have money for reshoots I guess Uwe did not have the talent for reshoots!  However I do really love Ed Wood movies so making me feel that way is not that bad! At least I had a pleasant experience. Much better than BloodRayne 2! Much better than BloodRayne 1 and much better than Postal. If we establish Uwe Boll movies as a genre .. it might actually be good within those confines.

You can just hear the fake German accent from the screenshot…..you’ll probably imagine it better than in actuality though.

Deja Vu

This movie unfortunately has some trouble escaping some of the mistakes the earlier BloodRayne movies made. The biggest one is the fact that Vampire lore is very weirdly established. Rayne is a Dhampir born of human and vampire, however her blood seems to turn people into vampires. However her blood allows vampires to walk in the sun. So while Rayne is a half vampire.. her blood makes full vampires, people she creates by feeding them her blood turns them into day walkers.. but if those day walkers create a vampire.. not all of them are daywalkers. Some inherit Commandant’s strengths but to varying degrees. Some go insanely evil others retain their dominant personality. Some get taken down by gunfire others need to be staked. It once again feels like vampirism is a bit of an afterthought.. which is weird because it is a big part of the story. Silver from the last movie doesn’t work anymore and thank Arceus that bullets that were next to cloves of garlic don’t work any longer.

Of course all vampire women become super slutty! Because It’s an Uwe Boll Movie

The weird cuts in scenes also appear again. Nothing as bad as  the second movie but a few scenes are really cut short, I could count two or three where it really feels like they cut a scene directly after a sentence which felt a bit jarring. There are also a few fade to black cuts when Uwe Boll was really clueless on where to go. Again making it feel more like a hobby flick than made by a professional. The camera quality is a lot better. Having the ability to make a lot of daytime shots really helped with the image quality.  We get no shaky camera shots and it feels fairly obvious this movie had a larger budget than the previous one. I don’t feel like a porn cue is about to chime in as soon as a female character wanders onto the screen… which is funny because this movie dials depicting women as whores up quite a bit.

I wonder how many brothels have velvet bathrobes for female guests!


Every woman in this movie is a prostitute or acts like one! This leads to the most hillarious and inappropriate sexscene ever.  Rayne earlier in the movie had sex with a female prostitute indicating she might be into women.. but she gets captured and drained of almost all her blood. When she wakes up she is on a prisoner transport .. towards the Fuhrer.. her love interest got beaten mercilessly and woke up just a little before that… as soon as they see each other.. while being captives.. they just start going at it like rabbits. It’s so Uwe Boll to do this and it’s horrible but at the same time.. it would not be Uwe Boll without it! Thank you mister Boll for staying true to yourself. 

And I thought not taking of your socks was a dealbreaker!

For a movie made by a man with no talent we get an entertaining trainwreck. The blood effects that make no sense from the first movie are back!  Most of the times people just yell ugh.. and fall down! No bullet wounds, no mar on their shirt, just a soft ugh.. as if they were a video game  character.  It’s weird but oddly it feels mostly like the video games. The cheesy deaths, the setting actually matching the game. BloodRayne the game has a level of campiness that I think this movie does manage to capture. It doesn’t work in a movie.. at all  but it feels like a good video game cutscene… well good is a big word..it’s not on the level of command and conquer not this is those in game video game cutscenes we saw in the early to mid 2000’s . Yes this movie is from the 10’s so it’s many years to late ..but it reminded me of the games. Even the soundtrack feels like a video game one. I am not sure it works for a movie.. but I am not sure we should hold Uwe Boll to that standard. He can’t make movies but with 75 minutes in length, this barely qualifies as such.Maybe I have such low standards by watching these but I actually found entertainment here.. but I never really viewed it as a component product. I wasn’t expecting it.. I did not get it .. like every other Uwe Boll product.. but unlike other Uwe Boll products.. I had fun.. great job mister Boll!

Mister Boll also shows us how German Bratwurst is made!

Uwe Boll Sucks!

This movie is better than the movie with the same characters and same characters Blobberella. That is exactly the same movie with the difference of .. what if the main character is fat and we add some stupid jokes like Slutlana into to mix.So already this movie is automatically not the worst! While I had fun with this movie is it worth a watch?! That is difficult. As a vampire movie I’d say it is a definite no! Vampirism is so inconsistent yet again. Some vampires still die by bullets, Rayne’s Damphir nature barely comes into play other than her blood creating a vampire that can daywalk. As a BloodRayne video game Adaptation I’d say it is not worth your time either.It has the time period right.. but all the other elements that were in the last movies like the hunter organisation, the story about her father which was actually concluded in this time period in the games.. it has been told before. Brimstone has no presence here..and besides Rayne using her swords like twice.. this is just a vampire movie set in World War 2 rather than a BloodRayne movie. She still complains about her mother being raped though .. it is mentioned 5 times in the movie even though it has to do nothing with the plot and happened over 100 years ago.

This movie still raised the bar for Mister Boll still!

No this movie has no viewing merit based on any of it’s tags. It’s not good at horror, even though the torture scene is kinda cool, it’s action is choppy and humorously inconsistent and to complete the series.. this does nothing.  Yet for people like me who actively watch bad movies this one has some merit! This is Uwe Boll producing a movie that is watchable. If I had to create an analogy Uwe Boll is like the LJN (a video game company notorious for only releasing bad titles) of movies… he  releases a lot of utter shit..but sometimes something is remotely playable. No we are not talking LJN’s Maximum Carnage here.. that game is too good! No this is NES Wolverine, a pretty shitty title that still is a huge step up from Spiderman or The Uncanny X-Men. So if you are the type or person that would play Uncanny X-Men on NES because it’s not the worst the studio has to offer and you want to see them sorta get it right.. this is your movie. It’s as if your kid normally gets F’s in art class and now gets a D+ so you frame it as an achievement for your kid… If you just want a decent movie stay away.. if you want to see a piece of unlikely movie history… it’s watchable. I still stand by that Uwe Boll can’t make a movie.. but now I know he can at least make something that looks like one!

With that we conclude the BloodRayne Triology! Did you see the trilogy?! What is your “favourite” Uwe Boll movie? Let me know in the comments! Now it is time to leave september behind and move into Oktober and I got something special for you guys planned…hey whats that translucent figure floating in front of me?! Oh no! It’s the spirit of Uwe Boll’s Vengeance!
You can help me rent an exorcist by supporting my Kofi! It would be much appreciated!

The Bad, The Worse and The Ugly: BloodRayne 2 Review

Dear Island Guests , while reviewing all video game movies I have to deal with this man a lot. Uwe Boll , he is european like me! He seems to like video games like me and he leaves quite a few errors in his content much like me. We both aren’t exactly the best fiction writers out there and I acknowledge writing a good story is hard.. but when you point a camera to that flawed writing.. it will stand out much more! So mister Boll. I shall review the second BloodRayne movie as my suggestions to you!  As one hobby writer to another.. well you might be professional in name….but well like with your video game adaptations.. it is just the name that you have in common with the pro’s.

Please! Give us a plot

Dear mister Boll, I commend you for your bravery for your choice in setting the second BloodRayne movie in the Wild West. For the second time in a row that is a time  setting that has little to nothing to do with the actual games. I am glad you did not forget she could cross water and walk into sunlight now so at least it feels like a sequel but why set both movies  in the wrong time period?Rayne adventures mostly in the early 1900’s, with the majority being set in world war II. I will assume that you could get some Wild West outfits on a budget.. because they sure as heck look like it! You could not even dress up Rayne with cold weather gear in the snow! Instead she wears a crop top in the cold with a duster coat making sure to show some belly button. That is hot!…at least to some I will admit! Yet why make her upset when people address her like a harlot.. you made her look like one!

I commend you for your bravery to only introduce the main character to us after twenty minutes, and even then she is still not involved in the plot still. Now cleverly you basically omit a plot from the movie up until about the midway point. For the opening twenty minutes we see random stuff unfold, like a Vampire grabbing some kids.. and that same vampire taking over a town. Yet we are not told what he does there. Rayne just happens to be friends with the people whose children you took.. out in the middle of nowhere.. but why did you take children out there?! We later find out you wanted the town! So why get those specific kids? There is no connection, it happens just so that Rayne can get involved. Since it is snowing in the area the kids are stolen from and muddy and dirt filled in the town.. I can assume that these areas are a fair bit apart. Given how much snow there is!  It doesn’t seem like very good and rather convenient writing mister Boll. 

Also why does the plan of the evil vampire guy named Billy the Kid have to be so lame?! The bad guy wants to spread vampirism across the land using the railroads, so he can be the boss of them all. You go to lengths to tell us he is a old vampire and in a short time he has made 30 vampires in this town. If he is so old.. why does he not travel around and make vampires all across america. He is immortal.. he can take his time. Sure he can spread it faster.. but he has not been spreading vampirism before? Because he waits for a railway station in a sleepy town to be fixed?  He could just kidnap children and travel across the west creating an army?! I probably lack your insight but to me his goal seems super achievable.. if he actually had his vampires spread around the states. Since he is so old, clearly he came from elsewhere himself. When using a mc-guffin it might not hurt to think on how else a character can achieve their goals.. like taking over a town that actually has a Railroad already?! Or making the children vampires and let people find them.. and spread vampirism to them.. or using your immortality to build that army over the years. I just gave your villain a hand full of backup plans and I wasn’t even really thinking about it either! So I don’t think you really told us a story here! Well you did but it makes no sense other than within the confines of a script! If the villian is this stupid.. he was never a threat anyway.

Please use your setting!

Dear mister Boll, I love a good western..from time to time. I think it is brave to spread Rayne’s journey out across a wider variety of time pieces I really do! You do not have to take textures and game size into account so you can move from an medieval setting to a wild west one to a world word II setting without filling up disk space with 1000’s of different textures and weapons and playstyles. I like that now guns are a thing..but if you tell Rayne’s tale through time.. you gotta use the time as well. It is super clever to make Billy the Kid a vampire! It allows for some interesting ideas.. but Billy the Kid was named the Kid because he was so young! Why did you cast a middle aged man to play him? And why did you make him look like a cartoon character rather than a real person. And what is with that wig the guy wears. The hair looks so gross. I do like the idea of saying that Billy never was killed when he did because he was a vampire…but instead of making him a revolver hero.. you made him bad with guns, which is stated.. way too old and he isn’t a bandit at all he is a megalomaniac mayor like person.This baffles me? If you want him to be Billy the Kid why make him nothing like it?!

Then there is the dialogue. People do not really talk like it is a wild west setting. The first big line Rayne has is telling some stranger who wants to kill Billy the Kid that his fly is open. That does not seem like an insult befitting the time period. Partially because women would not talk like that in those days neither would men nor would they care because they are out in the wilds..secondly the idea of the fly that  can be open was only really popularised in the 1940’s…the period BloodRayne is supposed to be set in! Back then they mostly have flappy things or buttons! This is only but an example of dialogue not being written in the time period. It happens quite a lot. You end your movie with the quote “Life is like a Penis.. if it is hard you get screwed and when it’s soft you can’t beat it’ that is a recent quote that was not around in that time. The way most people talk feels modern, watch any western to notice the difference please.

You might also want to think of how a western setting contributes to vampire hunting. For a bit you do! Vampires can not be killed by anything but silver bullets with garlic oil!  Which is clever…well maybe not clever but after seeing four of your movies I am not expecting much anymore!  However dear mister Boll. If you put silver bullets in a box with some unpeeled fully intact pieces of garlic.. not even cloves but the whole thing. Those bullets are not going to become covered in garlic oil. If suddenly the citizens can pick up their guns and kill the vampires as well. Where did they get silver bullets? These people can’t leave and trade is very low since there is no railroad yet, how did they suddenly get resources. Most of all why.. oh why.. would have the sleepiest and most boring town in the west…as established by yourself.. gatling gun in a random barn?! The vampires could have gotten it somewhere I guess…but if they were in a place where they can steal gatling guns..why not make your army there! Clearly that would have better arms?! If you want to make it a wild west setting with guns.. don’t use such a sleepy town.. if you want the civilians to be meek and compliant don’t give them the most powerful weapons of the time period! These two do not match. You are not creating a believable world here!

Please hire a proper crew!

Dear mister Boll, one of my best friends is a cameraman and once I helped him out a bit so I know how heavy camera’s can be! But when you make the heroes of the movie do a power walk.. the camera man is not supposed to shake the camera so hard that I get nauseous from looking at the scene. Yes this actually happened! The most badass scene is meant to look professional not as if someone is filming it on a seesaw. This is not the only time the camera work sucks. A hand-held camera has a place but when the terrain is rougher and your camera man can not handle it.. perhaps you should not choose to do shots like that. Using a dolly or two fixed cameras instead of course having more equipment means there is less money to embezzle so I understand your choices here I am just telling you it shows. I am not even being nitpicky here! Never EVER have I said something bad about the cameraman other than.. that shot could have been framed better..but your crew is more fundamentally flawed.

This becomes very clear when we look at your editors. Shots linger way to long, fight scenes are cut together way to fast.. and most important scene transitions aren’t scene transitions.  In a good movie we see a shot of a sunrise over a tree, to indicate it became day again then that same tree is used to show a character riding inside the frame.  Or we see blood pour out of a wound that transitions into the villian pouring win into his glass and smiling. There are two transitions in this movie.  Other than that it’s just a fade to black followed by a fade in, it makes this movie feel super cheap mister Boll. It is like I am watching an amateur film and even those use transitions better. The shot in which you introduce Rayne we see her galloping on a horse.. but there is a piece of straw for the camera blocking like half the shot! Who told you that was a good idea?!  That’s not artistic it feels like something got in the way of your shot.. and that is not the only time!  That should have been taken out on the cutting room floor!  And what is up with the obsession the browned out teeth. There are so many mouth shots in this movie. I counted like 25 seperate ones at the very least. Not always fangs either.. sometimes it’s just brown teeth or Rayne playing with a toothpick. This is a vampire action movie yet about 3 minutes of the movie are just close up of mouths! Eeew!

When I saw this movie start I was like , oh no… this looks like a cheap porn movie.  At least as far as I have seen those. It has a slightly better camera than Birdemic Shock and Terror but not by that much! It is somewhere halfway between that and a 90’s action movie. Raynes swords look fake and impractical as heck, revolvers look okay.. I think?! I am not a gun expert but they do look samesie a lot!  I would think there would be more diversity. Still everyone can use the same bullets here regardless if they have a rifle, a revolver or whatever. The gatteling gun is different though. It completely blows up the chest of one guy.. while lightly grazing a guy that stood closer’s shoulder. I will be honest I do not know what happend in that scene. I saw a character die. .and then he was alive again..it might be a different character that wears the same coat and hat with a similar style beard but because you can not tell the difference between vampires and the hunters.. I had no idea what was going on. Sometimes images are slowed down for no reason  sometimes they are sped up and it all looks so weird.

The worst part of the crew however are the actors though. The cast is basically everyone who played in Postal the movie. They constantly phase in and out accents that can range between texan and a louisiana accent and basically any state in america that is ever ridiculed for their hillbilly accent. At one time Rayne has southern pronunciation, shifting back to current day american again while in reality she should have a british accent. The preacher (and yes that is the characters name as he is never named in the movie)  is not understandable at times and then suddenly loses his accent entirely just to replace it with another one by the end of the movie! Billy the Kid is SO overacted I felt like I was watching an  amateur stage play! Mister Boll I know no one wants to return to working with you once they done it.. but just because a single cast was as talentless as you are does not mean you should use them again.  Everyone acts insane.. like they think they are soap opera actors or something.. it doesn’t work! Again normally I still see the character.. and I notice an actor has trouble with a line or two.. but here.. I see an amateur giving a drama club performance.. Honestly some of them are approaching the level of Wiseau. Most of them have acting skills equal to the level of the Mother in law with breast cancer in the Room. Bottom of  the barrel acting.

Please roleplay your characters just a bit

I can go on.. but I am running out of space here! Dear mister Boll for once please try to roleplay some of your characters so you can see how  wrong the situation is and how much it doesn’t work. My biggest example is the gatling gun scene.Our heroes chase some vampires in a barn and 20 of them point their guns at them. Instead of shooting them then and there.. as they clearly plan to kill them they tell them to throw away their weapons. This is stupid idea number 1 mister Boll you already established these vampires will kill those standing in their way so there is no need to  force them to surrender. Then the heroes refuse and a rip of Ennio Morricone’s theme begins playing rather dramatically ..this is the only western flavoured piece of music by the way and it is everywhere.  The heroes are ONE STEP from  stepping underneath the second floor of the barn..but instead light a cigarette, and then fire at random vampires in the attic allowing the gatling gun guy to gun them down.  If they took one step .. NONE of the vampires except for maybe one or two guys with a pistol could hit them.. but they stay out in the open and shoot at everyone.. except for the greatest threat.. the guy with a f’ing gatling gun! No character made a normal decision in that entire scene.

The conclusion is even worse.  Billy the kid has used a millstone  to make a contraption that will hang all the children when Rayne enters his room. Why does he not just shoot. her the moment she walks through a door.. but no .. he tries to convince her to be evil with him.. she enters the door and grabs the rope and saves all but one of the children who gets really visibly hanged. Instead of attacking the defenceless Rayne they start talking even after she refuses to join him he keeps talking to her.. and when all her allies have been killed…she suddenly realises she can launch herself using the stone and cut all the ropes of the kids before they choke. She saves  everyone.. and even then Billy the Kid allows her to get up and fight him.. not threatening the kids. In the first movie mister Boll people gave you critique for the plethora of dialogue in the final encounter so just to spite them you added more?!  At one point Billy manages to pull out his guns on Rayne during the fight but he doesn’t shoot them!

He has to load them still..if he does have to cock the gun why doesn’t Rayne attack him.. if he had them cocked and ready to fire why would he not fire! No one acts like a person in this movie.. they are all forced to do stuff by the plot! Nothing.. and I mean NOTHING makes sense.  The allies they recruit are swindlers and bandits and no one knows of vampires.. but when a weird girl ask them to join her in death to fight vampires they say sure!  It goes against everything established. In the end you make the coward have a change of heart but then when he gets a shot to save the day he chickens out.. and the people make him a sheriff for it?!  Dear god mister Boll .. did you ever stop to think about these things for longer than a single second?!

I think that NEVER have I have seen a movie where characters make this little sense. At least Johnny from the room had a reason to shoot himself. At least in Birdemic the characters fought for survival. Ed Wood movies made more sense than this, he could not afford reshoots so he had to make due with one take.. but even in Plan 9 from Outer Space there was a motivation… here there is nothing. Story happens for no reason, scenes happen for no reason and characters lack any sense of being able to think logically.  Why certain shots are chosen makes no sense.. mister Boll this movie feels like  you just had  three cool shots in your head..failed  to make them come true and settled for a movie student version of it..then strung those three scenes together with the cheapest attempt of plot possible! Where the last movie was kinda fun to watch in it’s badness. this one doesn’t make ENOUGH SENSE for that.. This is “movie” is as much of a movie as a four year old kid’s  robot he made during arts and  crafts is a robot… and that comparison is MUCH closer than anyone might realise.. dear mister Boll.. upon review I have to conclude this is not a movie.. this is …

There is one more BloodRayne movie left! Third Reich! It is the only one that is set in the proper time period of the movie so just by existing it is already more faithful than the other two movies… so I got a good feeling about that one. Well good might be a big word! It has the same main actress after all! If you want to help me get some bravery for what is to come.. or if you like me to make a video game movie of my own please consider supporting my Kofi Page! I can’t do much worse so just a kofi’s should help me make a better thing than this!

The Damphir and the Dumbkopf: Bloodrayne Review

Yay Island Guests it’s time for everyone’s favourite director again! Uwe Boll! Where Postal made me hate him as it was one of the worst movies I’ve EVER seen, I had high hopes that this one would at least be better.  Then I found out that 2005’s Bloodrayne fairly commonly is seen as Uwe Boll’s WORST movie. Where Postal just proved Uwe Boll is a horrible person.. this one taught me that Uwe Boll is a horrible writer as well. The greatest mystery to me is not the Loch Ness monster, it is how Uwe Boll can get well known names in his movie… and there are quite a few of them .. in Bloodrayne..
As Michelle Rodrigeuez with her super fake british accent would say in this movie… it was bloody awful. This post will spoil the entire movie as we will need it to unearth it’s flaws.. but trust me.. it is not relevant to your enjoyment of this film.

Writing Rule Number 1: Every Story Needs A Setting

Lord of the Rings is set in Middle Earth in the third era or something.  Star Wars is set a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Rampage is set in modern day Chicago.. and Bloodrayne isn’t set anywhere. We start in an undefined kingdom in an undefined timepiece and we do not know if this is our world or some magical world. Only the THIRD movie in this series would reveal  that it is set on earth at least with the subtitle Bloodrayne Thirdreich. The THIRD movie has a setting.. this one not so much!  Now you may argue that it does , it’s probably the dark-ages as black powder from China is new and unknown and everyone talks with a British accent except for Michael Madsen and Matthew Davis, who both play vampire hunters.. with american accents.. .. before america was even born. But heck that is the least of the consistency errors in this movie! This movie doesn’t do world-building at all. 

The movie opens with Michael Madsen and his crew riding in a town, they are looking for someone or something, the local barkeep might have some answers when Davis character Sebastian spots a tavern goer not having a reflection and stabs him, everyone takes this very calmly..so it seems we have a world where vampires are very common and hunters as well. That could be cool…the next scene we are introduced to Rayne, she is a captive at a circus where she is used as a freak show, where they make bank on showing the monstrosity known as vampires to the world…..uhm.. but did the last scene not show the world accepts them as common? Also why are vampires allergic to plain  water… I would not mind but later they go trough lengths to get holy water..uh oh.. its going to be THAT type of movie?

A scene later Rayne is raped..cause Uwe Boll thinks women are equal to condoms just something to hang Woody Woodpecker in, but she escapes, in a weird mix between a flash forward that through cinematography reads as a dream or flashback. They add in some nausea inducing screen smears and we are in the next scene, the vamp hunters now are in the camp, Rayne went on a rampage and killed those who wronged her and bit her friend on accident..so without explaining to the circus troupe the hunters  start beheading their dead and murdering those who have been bitten. Of course there is no reaction from the carnies whatsoever because to them vampires are common now! Jeesz Uwe cant even be consistent with this on the same group of characters! And I am only 10 minutes in. Then we see Rayne killing a vampire by just stabbing and slashing her?! So why stab that other guy in the heart with a stake?!…Oh.. this rule isn’t gonna be consistent right?! ..That’s right!

Writing Rule Number 2:  Every story should happen for a reason

We get the backstory of Rayne told soon after, she is a Damphir a half human half Vampire that can wear crosses and feed on vampires. She seduces a female vampire, who from being into guys completely abandons her male prey to get killed by Rayne allowing herself to be bitten and drained in seconds. First of all.. if you had a sure thing.. why trade it in? Second for Rayne to seduce the woman and assume she is into women as well is quite a stretch whenever this movie is set and third, the woman is a vampire! Surely she’d be aiming at Rayne’s neck not expose hers for some cheap thrills? She was hunting why turn her into just a skank looking for some hot woman on woman action?! Because Uwe Boll doesn’t understand the difference between a woman and a sextoy thats why! Anyway.. the vampire is dead now from a two second bite..stupid but more movies do that. A Roma fortune teller shows up and sees this and tells Rayne to follow her and trough tarot her backstory is told. Rayne’s father Kagan played by Ben Kingsley raped her mother and later to kill his daughter from said rape. Since he is an evil vampire he wants to be immortal… or more immortal?  For this he needs 3 items called the talisman and with it he can rule the world… also he nearly destroyed everyone who can resist him already and actually manages to dispose of every organisation oposing him during the movie BEFORE he gets any relics…so had he not done the whole plot thing.. he would have won anyway..so Why is he looking for these?

Rayne must find these things to stop him, why he hunts for these relics now and not when she was little? Who knows?!It would have made sense if he searched for the relics while his enemies were at full strength but now there is only a single cell left! Okay he didn’t know where they were. No one does, so the fortune teller obviously just tells Rayne the exact location of one With these artefacts Kagan may be able to rule the world and become immortal..which he already is..one of them just allows him to take a bath..another would allow him to wear a cross around his neck….. so these artifacts sounds REALLY underpowered., so if Rayne wants to save the world.. she has to find these artifacts before he does. Regardless Rayne tells the Roma lady “No I do not care about the world .. I just want revenge”. Then she goes out to find these artefacts.

The first one is guarded by a bunch of monks. Who immediately believe a woman of healthy colour, no damaged clothes and carrying two huge swords indeed lost her family on her road and is so sick and weak that she needs shelter. In a world where vampires are established to be super common(sometimes). Mind you these monks protect a relic from vampires! So without a doubt they invite this Vampire into their monastery and allow her to kill their molten faced guard.. who for no reason at all has a face like that.. He can wield a big giant fake hammer.. and again for no reason he swaps that out for a spiked club… Both are bludgeoning weapons and both are used in the exact same way.. the only reason the creature swaps is so Rayne could feasibly lift it to bash it’s face in. I am willing to believe these monks don’t turn away a plea for help..but come one Uwe! These monks protect the relic against vampires..and when a warrior woman without a scratch on her body shows up at night they just allow her to roam into their reliquary? Jeesz.. also why is there one monster monk?! It makes NO sense!

His necklace unlocks a secret passage because..of course it does.. and Rayne finds a room that is trapped by the Looney Tunes.. like seriously its that exaggerated. THink hexagonal tiles and across all lines sawblades are fired faster than your eye can track. I mean that literally I could not keep up with the trap visually.. so of course she leaps trough it seeing a pattern..to discover the relic is an eye. When she takes this eye.. which allegedly makes her more immortal.. she activates the final trap. Now before we move on from here let me explain how these relics work. There are A Rib, an Eye and A heart.  One makes you immune to sunlight, one makes you immune to the holy stuff and one makes you immune to water. So I would assume the eye would make you immune to sunlight, cause blinding light etc.. the heart against holy stuff cause you know heart/love goodness god etc.  And why a rib makes you immune to water would be a bit weird.. but a rib kinda looks like a boat?!


But no.. the eye makes her immune to water. The heart makes you immune to sun and the rib lets you resist holy stuff talk about random! Now let’s play a game! How well can Uwe Boll Write! I am gonna write a scenario Uwe Boll has set up.. and then you have to think like him.. for an awfull solution to the problem. Here we go : So a Damphir/Vampire just stole that item that can make them immune to the harmful water… Oh no! The vampire can take a bath now.. and travel across a lake apparently..cause they would normally not be able to do that either. What trap do you design to stop them after gaining Water Immunity?! Mind you.. you already fired 20 cartoon sawblades at them and it missed. … How would Uwe Boll write the NEXT trap. To stop an even stronger vampire! …………….. If you thought that stopping someone with water immunity through a water trap would be the way to further this story… you are correct! The room fills up with water..about ankle deep. But that is not all.. there is a trial after that.. a monk politely tells her off! Also fun little detail NONE of these monks wear the same cross around their neck… which just feels stupid. They are an ORDER..

So for some reason, Ben Kingsley Vampire who never knew his daughter was alive.. now knows she is alive and exactly where she is .. and has a guy from his castle follow her..which means riding out with a battalion of dark knights.. obviously they arrive at the EXACT time that Rayne finished the trial.. despite not having searched for her.. they just go to the right location.. fight some monks and if they do not want to tell where the eye is .. they kill them..including the last guy who could possibly know. This of course lets the bad guy realise it is Rayne who has the talisman so he captures her. Because..otherwise they are stuck and the plot won’t further. Obviously the Bad Guy actor knows Rayne has the eye! He has the script! They bring her to Meatloaf Vampire who can offer them shelter for the night but he wants to add her to his harem.. because 14 boobs are not enough. The henchmen guy doesn’t agree which sends Meatloaf in a very over acting rage. Then the vampire hunters.. two of them.. come in after having fought off dozens of vampires and the henchman guy..decides to flee…..later he would demonstrate he could take both of them at full strength fighting them simultaneously.

Meatloaf being a vampire of course chose the room with windows that have the sun shining in from 4 different directions and while Rayne perfectly rolls in a blanket four beams poof Meatloaf vampire away.  Man.. the price of that house with every side facing the south (or west)  must have been hella expensive. Also… dear Mister Boll… that is not how Sunlight works. It’s a beam.. You can never have four perfect beams of lights from all directions.. heck with one direction it is even flat out impossible whatsoever. Why am I even surprised by this though! Stuff doesn’t happen in this world because it makes sense in the context of a world. Things happen because Uwe Boll thinks it’s cool..or because he feels he needs to proof women are all floozies and addicted to male genitalia..or female ones.

Writing Rule Number 3: Give your characters relevant development.

So after that the hunters take in Rayne and train her as one of their own… Sebastian doesn’t trust her too much and she is very mean to them.. because she has suffered so much!  She explains her backstory…which by the way she also told the monks so this is the third time we see that story in flashbacks and it is also depicted in art in the opening credits I think.. so this story .. He raped my mother and killed her.. is now VERY well known.  She tells no one else could possibly feel what she feels. Sebastian tells her his parents both turned vampire and he saw hunters kill them right before his eyes.. as they saved him as his parents were about to kill him.  I lost both my parents, he says!…This of course triggers the romance scene and Rayne and Sebastian begin to fuck like animals against a cage… because both of them had dead parents… here I thought the Martha from Batman versus Superman  thing was kinda lame! Boll did it first and worse though.

After that they are in love , which is shown by the fact that they smile at each other cutely once or twice.. other than a few spars together with the worst looking swords you have ever seen in a movie.. and I am not kidding.. There are high school plays that have better looking swords and no I am not overreacting. I shown these pictures to some weapon buffs and some who barely saw a movie and both set this was the fakest stuff they had ever seen. Sebastian is tagged out by Katarin, who is the character played by Michelle Rodriguez and has a very weird british accent. She seems friendly to Rayne at first but then shows her narrow mind. Also her father is a vampire..that is her backstory. He wants to get back in touch with her as they care for each other…so clearly she totally isn’t going to betray the group and have a fight with Rayne right?! Nah.. 

Actually no.. set up for a destined fight! Hah! No time for that plots gotta happen! Katarin betray sthe group almost immediately after this scene and that sword fight they kinda hinted at happening never does . Katarin betrays the order and it gets slaughtered. Her reason.. she doesn’t believe in Vladimir anymore and doesn’t want him to make everyone rush into their death. So obviously she kills everyone! This happens Rayne Sebastian and Vladimir are fetching weapons because.. one of Raynes blades broke.. and they have to go to a few hoops to get two crates of weapons. Why is this a task that needs to be done by the leader of the order?! Also there are SOOOO many weapons in the order already. They just did this for two black powder grenades and Raynes akwards swords! Why did they go?! Well so that Katarin can betray them of course. It turns out she has the third talisman as well. it was always in the fort hidden underwater. How lucky Rayne got the water immunity earlier. Why she never told anyone this when she still trusted her leader.. who knows! It’s never explained. Oh also Ben Kingsley found the second talisman of screen somewhere. Each time he is shown on screen we are shown the exterior of his castle first with a lightning sound effect.. it’s basically the same as lord Zed is introduced in power rangers.. so Sorry I forgot.. I did not take it seriously enough. Katarin and Rayne wrestle in the water.. because… it’s an Uwe Boll Movie and women have to mud wrestle. Michelle Rodriguez’s character is finished off without any honour and in a very lame splashy way. As we move towards the finale of this movie.

Writing Rule Number 4: An Ending should feel earned and in line with the story!

Rayne of course now knows where her father lives.. while she was looking for him earlier.. because everyone instantly gains knowledge they did not have before as soon as the plot requires it. And no.. she did not learn this from Vladimir or Sebastian.. she seperated from them! Knowledge directly being gained from the script is the most consistent thing in this movie.. Now to stop Kagan she lets herself be captured and hands him an artefact..which in fact is an empty box like all movies. One that not one but 4 seperate people fail to check before it is time for some sort of ritual. Oh yeah this ritual since Rayne absorbed one relic…but secretly two.. it will allow Kagan to remove these parts of her. Even though no one ever obtained these before and originally they were part of a very hard to kill vampire. There is no way this ritual should exist let alone that Kagan should know about it .. but the plot would strand without it so now he knows!

Rayne is disarmed and put in a prison! But no worries Sebastian and Vladimir come rushing in and ..get themselves captured. Which leads to Rayne being strapped to an altar as the ritual starts. This must have been part of her original plan..even if she did not know Vladirmir and Sebastian would come.. in fact.. she should not know or assume this.. but had they not been here.. this plan would have surely killed Rayne.. without a fighting chance. So why did she settle for it? By now you should know.. her actress read the plot. In the fakest Guard My Cellmate has vanished act, which no real person would belief.. heck which 90% of fictional characters would not believe, except for Looney Tunes Villains and Uwe Boll characters, the two guys are freed and manage to get to the altar to free Rayne . A fight breaks out and  Vladimir and Sebastian now effortlessly kill the soldiers that stopped them before also effortlessly I might add .. but it’s different not because now the soldiers are aided by some more elite troops….uhm you might have gotten that reversed Uwe. Ben Kingsly gets the lamest kill in the movie.. as he impales Vladimir who is held by two vampires .. ..by simply walking into him. Of course no one reacts to his death.. not even Vladimir himself. Sebastian gets mortally wounded.. with again.. no one  reacting to hit.. but by holding the plastic stick close to Hencheman’s neck.. his neck  explodes and henchman is killed instantly as Sebastian slowly fades away. There is an extreme amount of blood in this fight. Everyone is equipd with red water balloons and squirty devices.

Rayne and her father face off and it is revealed Rayne absorbed the heart. Shocker!. Ben Kingsley calls Rayne an ungratefull bitch..which makes perfect sense, such elegant dialogue.. he given her so much to be grateful for.. nearly sacrifiing her.. killing her only friends, murdering and raping her mother and leading her to lead a cursed existance as a Damphir.  What not to be thankful for. Well she is a women.. in a Uwe Boll movie so she must be grateful for sprouting of the seeds of a man I guess.  She isn’t though and manages to kill him.. after a super lame fight scene that had more dialogue that  most of the movie even. Riveting combat! Kegan dies.. in a very weird effect..again that only the vampire in the beginning mimicked.. no other vampire died like that. I was shocked to see he had Pigtails all along!

Rayne goes to her fuckbuddy and is so upset that he is also passing away and that he doesn’t want to be a vampire that she sits in Kagan’s  throne and thinks about blood..seemingly turning evil.. and with that.. we end this  atrocity..

I had my way of fun with this flick! I was amused in analysing it..but do not misunderstand This movie was bad! It made no sense anywhere.. , the effects were super lame, the writing was non existent and how the heck did all these actors agree to this?! What the heck is wrong with people?! I think Uwe boll might be some sort of Incubus! THis movie made it very clear to me.. while he can remember like 20 video game titles.. and can befriend movie actors.. he can’t do anything else! Stay away from this one! Please! If you like me can enjoy a bad movie it might be fun.. but Uwe Boll doesn’t do the “so bad that it’s good” thing. It feels to lazy for that. It doesn’t take itself seriously enough.. yet also takes itself seriously enough for it to never be clever or witty about it’s bad or shitty choices. While this movie made me less angry than Postal did.. this one clearly shows less competence as a fill maker. So once again even though I really hoped ot only give this grade once.. this movie is …….

PS all of this had very little to do with the actual video game!

Now I am sure that next week there will be a more competent film waiting for me… I might not be strong enough to pick up the sequel just yet…then again it can hardly be any worse! Now that I have a security guard I am not even that afraid for Mister Boll. If he challenges me to a fight Indigo said he would fight in my stead! I would still love to see mister Boll make a Fortnite movie… as long as I do not have to see it! That would be so bad it would probably kill me.. then again… maybe two negatives cancel each other out!


The Movie that made me hate Uwe Boll : Postal

My dear island guests… I will warn you. This review will contain extreme negativity as well as very controversial movie subject. Today I will talk about not the worst movie I have ever seen, but the movie I hated most . When Uwe Boll makes a horror movie it becomes so bad it “devolves”  into a comedy. It is so bad some bits are funny .When Uwe Boll makes a comedy it makes me wanna go postal on all the people involved with this film.

The movie Postal is a comedy movie based on the equally titled film series and this movie has 2,2 critic  rating on MetaCritic and a 6,3 user review rating. So I thought.. hey this film might not be so bad. This movie also has a 9% tomatometer and a 34% audience score.
I find every single of these reviews to be too good!  The movie’s box art proudly tells it is super offensive and I’ll be honest.. I don’t always dislike offensive movies. There are a few times where offensive humor can give me a chuckle… the key word.. humor being part of the equation. That is not the case here!  Uwe Boll can not make comedy! This movie proves that. He  is worse at comedy than he is at horror movies.  but before I began tearing this thing apart let me tell tell you this movies plot.

We follow a main character that never gets a name and is just referred to as that Postal Dude.  His story starts  up when he starts applying for a promotion in a corporate job where A douchebag manager lets him do all sorts of weird things while he stares at the severed heads of some other corporate drones who failed at their job. They make jokes about them being a fake and blood drips off them as soon as they say it. He goes home to find his obese wife who lives in a trailer cheating on him… or well he finds out she is cheating on him. But I am already getting ahead of myself. This movie opens up with the Hijacking of the 9-11 planes. Al Qaeda terrorists have taken control over the ship because they want to surprise  the others by actually taking them on a trip to Cabo or the Bahamas or something nice and tropical. The people who fought for their lives on those planes break in and try to  subdue Al Qaeda actually cause them to crash into the twin towers. On this briljant opening… we move to the Dude.. and the stuff I told you happened. Why do I mention that intro now? Well because it ties in with the rest of the story. Osama who is actually living in the states and is best friends with George W Bush is planning to steal a shipment of Krotchy dolls. Krotchy is a crotch plushie that is the mascotte of some sort of weird  thing. But they are not the only one who wants to steal this doll that is a penis with a set of balls.

There is also Dude’s uncle who started a bogus christian sub cult to get laid. However his organisation is not paying their taxes and now has a few million dollars debt. His attendant warns him about this and points out these Krotchy dolls sell for like 3000 dollars each or so.
It turns out that these dolls have vials with Avian Flu hidden in them which Al Qaeda wants to use to destroy the western civilised world, while the attendant who actually beliefs the new bible of the uncle character to destroy the world. Dude and his uncle just want to earn some easy money! The only way that Dude can keep the world safe is by killing everyone else.. so he has to go postal!  For this he has to kidnap Verne Troyer and let him get raped by a 1000 monkeys team up with some random gothic chick from a coffee shop and use a cat as a silencer for a gun among other things.


Now the cat silencer was in the games so I see why it was in there.. but Postal has never been this much about being offensive.. it was always more about just going on a random meaningless killing spree… that is NOT what this movie is. In Postal you can pee on the elderly before whacking their head of with a shovel but it always gave you a choice. You did not need to be offensive, you just vented a shitty day… in a very trash way..but there is a difference in choosing this or seeing it.   The humor in this movie is akin to that of your average Scary Movie film..with the offence meter dialed up to 100 and the comedic timing turned back to 0. Each joke is so cheap.. and meaningless that it isn’t a joke anymore it is just offensive. Let me take you through the movie in more detail.  We begin with that dreadful 911 joke… While I am iffy on those already I think in a movie like these you CAN actually make jokes like that. It’s for a very limited crowd but you could still do it. Take for example the Family Guy joke where the terrorist fly through that seattle arc. Sure I’ll chuckle at that. Turning heroes into villains for the sake of comedy however isn’t fun.. it’s a role reversal that thereafter gets completely negated by having Al Qaeda be their classic evil.  Had they made it so they were actually the good guys but kept being blamed.. maybe ..you had a funny joke.. but no.. it served no point! They even add in a window washer to make it more slapstick!

The song about the evil corporation and  them actually cutting of heads is not funny either, the joke has been done a million times before  and it leans heavy into such standard timing and is sooo in your face obvious that it isn’t fun at all.. also the company doesn’t come back at all so again it is completely pointless. It just shows this guys life sucks. When he moves back and finds out his wife is sleeping around while he steps in dog poop.. we get the message. His wife is just made so gross that it is almost as if Uwe Boll says.. every woman has to look super fit.. and slightly slutty.. because literally all the other women are super models or goth chicks.  That are super skinny with flawless skin and etc. Everything else is trash. Why?!  You could have made the man miserable with a normal looking woman she did not have to be Jabba the Hutt.  Religion is than mostly seen as a sham and we see cops kill minorities for not understanding the language.. that joke certainly aged well.A dark skinned cop shoots an old Chinese lady who is old and flustered and doesn’t know what to do under a traffic light anymore! I get that people too old to drive can be annoying but again these cops are mostly a side story.. they actually follow a line skewed to the plot… It’s almost as in those Ice Age Movies… where we see scenes of Scrat trying to get his nut.. these cop show up and mess with the Chinese people or with a crippled man just to be offensive.. but never is there a joke.. as if Uwe Boll things that offensiveness IS the joke. 

Again I am not that squeamish.. there is a way to make offensive jokes. They are not for everyone.. but they can when used correctly make us aware of our flaws. South Park used to be able to do this quite well. Yes it was offensive but it also held us a mirror this is us. It has been made more cartoony. South Park and Family Guy can make this (subjectively)  work for two reasons. There is more behind just an offensive punchline.. there is either a clever idea or a lesson to be learned OR  they get away with it because it’s a cartoon. Inhuman behaviour is acceptable because we do not see a human we see a cartoon character.  Postal’s character are more one dimensional than the “offensive” cartoon shows.  Take Verne Troyer playing himself for example… he has to go to speech at the Krotchy doll festival because he looks like the thing and people want to use him as the spokesperson for these dolls. He travels with a suitcase bigger than himself..because HAHA he is a tiny person, but when he gets locked inside the suitcase we find out there is nothing but Dildo’s  and crossdressing stuff inside. Where is the joke?!

It took me 3 days to finish this movie as 30 minutes a day was about as much as I could stomach! I never had to turn off a movie before for not being able to work my way through. Even Coco Avant Chanel.. which I found an atrociously boring slog I managed to sit out.  This actually hurt me to watch. Nearly all of my gripes are all directly Uwe Boll’s fault. The actors aren’t the worst out there, I just wonder what made them this desperate. I know a few of these actors , mostly from tv and these are like B/C list actors that are quite passable. Postal Dude looks really awkward in front of a camera though maybe that is his character I am not fully able to tell.. he is a kind of awkward guy. His Filmography isn’t all that great either.. but come on! JK Simmons is in there just to do his JK Simmons thing.. only to be blown up by a suicide bomber in a sort of running gag.. where nobody wants to do it so Al Qaeda keeps tricking their members into doing this task. There is talent in this movie but it just doesn’t come out.  The writing in this movie is so bad nobody gets to shine. 

There is ONE joke in the movie and it goes a little something like this.Krotchy is going to be revealed in a place called little Germany so Postal Dude and his uncle’s cult .. mostly some bikini models who walk in bikinis for the entire movie.. have to dress up as Nazi’s not to stand out. So they all get a hitler Moustache and a Swastika added to their outfit and everyone thinks they belong.. but that is not the joke ..because who else is in Little Germany but Uwe Boll.. who is being interviewed as a celebrity why all his movies suck! He makes a joke about stealing money and mysterious funds.. which was a serious case against him and Krotchy suddenly rips off it’s head.. revealing.. the lead developer of the Postal Game.. blaming Uwe Boll for ruining his game with this movie.  He begins shooting at Uwe and Boll kills the man.. but not before they killed about 20 children who were all there to get their own Krotchy doll.. as no one can see the mascotte is a crotch.. or balls and a penis. Uwe Boll gets shot in the crotch and dies as well.. also he wears a Bavarian outfit..because it’s funny cause he is German. A journalist piles up all the dead children to make it look worse and the Postal Dude is blamed for this.. causing everyone in the world to want to kill him now. 

The way the action is shot is terrible. In a movie about shooting and killing everyone, you’d think there be a few good shootouts but  this is just a series of guns being shot and random people falling down.. even if they weren’t really in the shot. It again looks like a cartoon.. but that is not being sold because it is still live action.  If special effects are used they are very underwhelming OR super exaggerated.. they never get it right and I mean never. The Cat silencer was semi.. funny but in the world established so far it made not sense physics wise.. nothing else functions fantastically.  The cat doesn’t explode right away in Postal games but after a few uses it still does.. having the cat be unharmed felt like a whimper.  A bit of a funny whimper but a whimper still.  The Uncle gets betrayed by his attendant and in an order to convince him not to kill him the guy says he has become gay and a chubby chaser.. and he agrees to have Verne Raped by the 1000 monkeys mentioned earlier but is shot anyway.  A weird twist further and we end up with everybody firing on Postal Dude in the trailer Park.. he is hiding behind a car and killing them by the bushes. Not a single person thinks about walking around again demonstrating no one is sentient here.. it’s just unfunny movie characters.

Osama asks George Bush for help and Postal Dude and his girlfriend get away. While he tricks the Attendant guy to blow himself.. plus the fat wife and the two cops.. who also did her for no specific reason up. However Bush pissed of some people and now America is being Nuked.  While Postal Dude ride off into the sunset with his new flame.. ..his fifth one in this movie Bush and Osama hold hands and skip through a field while all across them Nukes impact. Destroying America and any hope left we had off at least a single funny scene.  It is all filmed with very cheap angles, never is a a set properly used and all the locations are boring and bland as hell.  I was so glad I could turn of this movie and it made me reconsider my watching all Video game movies idea. Before I thought Uwe Boll was just a bad director..now I think he is a horrible person, who has zero understanding of film and less understanding of comedy.How bad he is was always a joke.. but seeing him attempt comedy.. made it more than a joke.. at least a joke would have been funny..

There are a few things that are okay with the movie. The filming angels are very boring but never bad. The fights are extremely boring and do not convey the game at all but I’ve seen worse, the cast is passable except for the barely understandable Boll and the very poorly acting Lead Director of  the game. It’s just that it is so painful and unfunny. Characters have been written just to offend, and woman are only good if they are bikini bimbo’s once again.  Eye candy and nothing else.  There are  no jokes because Uwe Boll thinks being offensive is funny on it’s own and this is the result.. a movie that has less flaws than many that will be on this list.. but is so empty that it easily is the one I hate the most.  And I don’t mean of my movie viewings.. this is the movie I hated seeing most…EVER.

If I were to compare it with something it’s a screaming Monkey. We all know monkey’s can be funny when they do monkey things.. but Uwe Boll things.. just having a monkey on the screen is enough..well he also makes it scream so we KNOW there is a monkey on the screen.. but never does it hop around or toss a nut or do anything it just screams and rages and smells like monkey! One of those monkey’s you are scared off or annoyed by rather than entertained.. but Uwe Boll says we are wrong because it’s a monkey.. that is what funny is.  This movie is like putting bread on your cat and seeing it distress.. but you think it’s funny because of the memes.  As such I am giving this movie one grade lower than my lowest grade!  This movie is unwatchable. And I used this pun in his last movie! Now Uwe Boll has made me so angry … he gets a grade below my lowest named after him!

Next week’s movie will undoubtedly be better and I do not know yet what that movies is going to be. This thing was awful but if you think being offensive is funny this might be a movie for you! If you are a Movie Maschoist like me.. the movie is on YouTube and no one bothered to take it down for well over 6 years! So I will share that link with you!.. Because I am nice like that!

The Sequel Even Uwe Boll Would Not Touch: House of the Dead 2 Review

Hello again my dear island guest! Welcome back to my quest to review all video game movies!  When Uwe Boll makes a movie, Uwe Boll usually makes a sequel..or two! However even Uwe Boll jumped ship with his House of the Dead movie, so someone took over this video game adaption. A movie so bad that even Uwe Boll doesn’t want anything to do with it? Now that’s what I would call a horror movie!

In my attempt to see all video game movies, I have stumbled upon a new mood, something that holds a middle between stupefied and fascinated. I call it stupenated. It holds somewhere between NANI!!!! !and Hmmmmmm SOUKA!  So it might be called Hmmm NAKA!. This  sequel movie left me Stupenated a lot.

While somehow managing to make me aggressively bored at places as well. A rollercoaster of sub-par experiences that as a whole come out as a much more interesting experience as the sum of its parts, because by Arceus this movie is soooo badly written. However it is so culty and campy and stupid.. that it is quite a bit more enjoyable than Boll’s first outing. Terrible still but at least this felt like a movie. Biggest contributor for that is the movies story.. it actually has one! The first movie basically movie, whose review you can find here, basically had the story of..some (clearly not) teens go to an island to rave..but zombies live there and shit happens, luckily they hired a weapons smuggler so they have guns. Part 2 at least tries to do some world building…it fails… but it tries.

Dr Curien, the father of the main character of the first movie saw his son get killed by his girlfriend who had been given the immortality serum after she was killed by the Spanish priest bloke in the final bit of the first movie. Now he is killing school girls and trying to revive them, however he gets distracted and one of his test subjects he thought was just dead..gets away and kills him.. turning him into and the campus he worked on into a new batch of zombies.  The secret organisation AMS who are professional zombie hunters think this new outbreak might be connected to generation 0 or at least generation 1 zombies. (Those turned by the serum of movie 1 )  From which they hope to synthesise a vaccine. So general Carter sends in some military guys along with two AMS members to find this Gen 0 or Gen 1 blood sample. There even are some wavering allegiances, complicating this important mission. Unfortunately for AMS the military people are more brain dead than the zombies.

Now of course that last embellishment was not a part of the actual story but it is true! These military guys are SOOOO dumb that like half of them gets killed in the first few minutes for the most stupid reasons. One guy just starts punching on a zombie for no reason.. he has guns.. but he just starts fistfighting him and gets bitten. The second gets bitten by that guy after trying to restrain him by .. putting their hand his shoulders and pushing him down so he can get shot to death… of course he bites out of resistance and the next guy is toast as well. These experts in making things safe have to keep the scientist Nightingale and former Secret Service Agent Ellis safe from zombies.Which of course is harder than it might seem.

While Uwe Boll had little to do with this movie the director goes for for that typical Uwe Boll cinematic feel. For example it has that “porn” cheapness to camera images and a really harsh lighting. You half expect things to escalate when a girl walks out of a shower into a locker room full of men.

That means that means except for the “gross” crippled woman from part one.. you know the one whose legs were chopped off, bled out for hours and lay their in an exploding zombie infested house that now has become a leader in a top secret organisation that puts her in a military suit for some reason,  all women are introduced to you in a bikini. bathrobe or in a slutty schoolgirl outfit that gets cut of her body by a professor trying to reanimate her… for which of course.. she needed to be naked. This time however it is blurred out!  …At first.  IN the second half of the movie woman don’t strip as much but we do get a few “odd” moments. Almost as if the writer thinks zombie girls are hot?! I am not sure.. but I think we got a few naked zombies.. at least the zombies look like zombies though … sometimes.

The movie has this campy feel to it.. with woman being a bit stereotypical ..but stereotypical badasses. I think we get one gay woman..maybe two I am not sure, it’s implicit .. there is just this tension between two girls.. although I should not say there is..but I feel like there should be.. based on their dialogue and interaction. Between the bad acting and weird storyboarding it can go either way. There is this also a cool badass science chick with a deep back story and a campus hippie girl…who by far is the best actress in the movie that is like exposition incarnate. It feels like I am watching one of those Full Motion Video , video games. You know something like Night Trap, or those Tanya scenes from those Red Alert cutscenes. It has that same feeling as games like Phantasmagoria.. maybe even Wing Commander. It’s not like there is something wrong with that but they feel like their own thing. Like how a Soap Opera is filmed differently than normal series..FMV games had this “cheapness” to it.. which is very much shown in this movie. 

This is reflected by the amount of exposition in this movie.  “As you Know” is one of the stupidest lines a movie can use for plot revelations..because why would you tell someone something they know?! Well The whole story of AMS is done like that.. In a school that has been abandoned for weeks two people survive and they happen to know everything the doctor did including stealing corpses from the morgue and after the school told him to stop… he went to find other ways.. they tell them how he tried to splice genomes and details of his research and so much more! Why would they know the professor killed a student? There is no reason they would.. why would school allow a guy to keep working there after he stole corpses, why isn’t he in jail?! Why even if they covered this up.. would two hippies know it and have their fingerprint or Bio-signature tied to a cage that holds the first zombie?!  I was stupinated! Everything is acted, filmed and written so clunky you feel like every shot has a big B branded into it.

That is what saves this movie from being worse or as bad as it’s prequel. It is so far distanced form reality it can actually surprise you. In the scenes where it doesn’t it can be boring as heck..but boy when the stupid virus strikes again .. I had a blast.

There is something hilarious about a trained soldier seeing a guy sit in a zombie infested library and say “Oh a survivor” … while being questioned by his peers “Zombies do not read that is a survivor”  meanwhile the guy has a rotting face and is bleeding all over his book and the soldier doesn’t even notice.. while knowing there are zombies everywhere. He even scolds him for being rude… WHY would someone go read a book amidst a zombie infested school?! Why do you think that is feasible?!  Even if he did it to calm his nerves why would you get annoyed he has headphones on and ignores you.. why would you not think it’s a zombie. I was Stupinated how can you think this little about your chain of events it made the movie quite hilarious though.

Soon after a part of the squad hears noises coming from a dorm room which is clearly a news-anchor reading the news.. yet for some reason TRAINED MILITARY staff, ..three of them all fail to notice this and they all think there are survivors in this room! After which they ask people to open up.. kicking in the door 5 seconds after making the request. English is my( arguably)  third language yet I as a untrained civilian, non native English speaker can hear this is a radio or a tv… yet the army can’t ?  That is funny! These people deserve to die so much! One of them does.. because he got bitten by a zombie mosquito?!  Now that is funny! Well he doesn’t die right away but he is written off. He gets bitten by a random mosquito, and just because the girl in this room zombified without any traces of forced entry?! Huh!?! So that must have been the mosquito they say. I have a few problems with that theory. Mosquitoes will only sting those with the highest body temperature in the room, so how it ever would prick a zombie is beyond me already. Maybe these zombies still have warm blood?!

Second that mosquito was in the room for days..meaning the mosquito would have to be a zombie itself, but decay is accelerated so I am not sure it would last that long, it’s not clear if it was THAT mosquito that made the girl turn.. they just guess it was and it’s totally unclear if the disease can be transmitted beyond species.. since the last part took place on an island.. you’d figure they would know if the mosquitoes there transformed. It isn’t even brought up again until the very end, the moment you discover that bugs can spread the deadly disease you might want to inform your colleagues but they just decide to just knock out the guy and leave him to die…I get you would not want to take a risk but this is a colleague, he’s instantly written off, without even asking the zombie scientist, which they can contact on their Walkietalkie thing. Instead they just decide.. well you are dead now. It felt very throwaway and out of nowhere and into nowhere.. nothing is done with this concept. 

The most hilarious death takes place around the same time. A guy sees a weeping woman who beckons him into another room, separating him from his group. It turns out that this woman is misleading him..she is actually a zombie..who acts like a siren of sorts..again.. I’d imagine her rotten face would reveal her to be a zombie or her non response to questions would at least make the man on his guard ..but no .. he gets blindsided by her! He does manage to beat her and lock her into a locker as he tries to exit the room a big zombie is behind the door… while he is already pointing his gun at the big zombie it startles him so hard he just screams and gets eaten……Trained military men everybody! They are so skilled.

If we look at consistency this movie is a lot weaker than the original! The movie does not match up with the world building at all. The set-up for things is super flimsey and it feels a lot plot whole heavier.. then again part 1 did not have a plot so…..

Mosquito guy by the way ends up being the villain of the movie..which of course is not set up at all , why am I telling you this..well because the movie first does set him up as the bad guy! He loots corpses, takes selfies next to a dead half naked girl ..with her camera he “stole” , he tells people they are going to die and basically he is just SUCH a huge douchebag that he went on this mission to get the blood sample for himself and bring it back to the big pharmaceutical companies and sell it for millions. Which to be fair is a much more interesting villain plot than “I want to be immortal because I want to live forever”  from the last part. The problem however  he is “killed off”.  Even when he turns out to be alive.. why would he still try to sell the vaccine so only the rich can buy it…Would he not help get it back so the experts van make a vaccine fast enough to save him. Also upon depolyment he left in a squad of 10 or so who took their jobs seriously! How would he ever get away with that?! Still it had a lot of potential as both sides race for the cure..but no he is killed off only to be brought back again for a weird twist ending. Why make him such an asshole not use him?  I was stupenated!

House of the Dead 2 is nowhere near as bad as its predecessor because it’s possibly worse. Plot happens for no reason at all throughout the entirety of this movie and it can be funny as heck. For example at one point Ellis and Nightingale get trapped in a zombie cage that needs the hand-print to open up… for no reason at all and never explained the door suddenly opens up. The woman who could open the door just got killed by  zombies all the way across the room. While she was bitten by 20 zombies she could still find humanity to crawl all the way across and open the door? If she even did.. not sure just assuming here as it’s the only way to open the door,  while …here we go again.. a trained Military captain began transforming in a zombie within mer seconds of a single bite?!  Sometimes they even transform instantly.. sometimes characters can give entire epilogues.  There is no rhyme or reason to this and it is stupinating to see how often a situation just goes completely derpy!

While the biggest charm of this movie is how dumb it is.. for example a character that got swarmed by zombies and only had a knife.. survives a missile strike without any scratches  while all zombies die, there are actually a few good things about this movie.

First of all the soundtrack is way less stupid than the original and those stupid game flashes are not here anymore.  Characters do actually develop over the  course of this movie and zombies look like actual zombies.  So it looks and sounds a lot better with much less aggressive muzzle flares, a much more believable setting to be decked out in these weapons used and in general a better set of world building. Of course this is nullified by dumb decisions like randomly running around a campus filled with zombies without knowing the schools lay out. At one point one character suddenly knows that in the next building  there is a science lab and this is a good place to start searching for Zombie 0 …. This happens when there are only 3 out of 10 people left… If that is a great place to start… (and sure.. if someone is suspected of making zombies… I’d say the science lab is indeed a fair starting place) why would you NOT start there first then… Stupinated! 

 The acting revealed that the actors could not believe the characters as well because it feels atrociously bad,  think Birdemic Levels of bad.. which is worse than House of the Dead 1, but a whole lot more entertaining. The dialogue is super funny at times as well. For example when Hippie girl fires at the science team thinking they are zombies they flee behind a desk an yell “Ceasefire we are AMS we are here to help” .. the response is  ‘Hmmm .oh. okay..sorry” I had about five other  moments there where I like actively thought like..’they could not just have said that’? Those bad lines are always also almost inaudible.. like tiny easter eggs of weirdness almost as if people accidentally talk trough footage. So bad.. yet some magnificent. This movie might have shown me the least logical action/reaction movie I have watched since the room. It is so bad in every single way..but the fact that it actually has a story and it leans so hard into the bad.. makes this a view I actually enjoyed.. unlike Boll’s movie. So in this case.. the worse movie is the better movie!  That doesn’t make a lot of sense but neither does this movie so it fits as a conclusion.

The Verdict

The movie is still bad and I would not recommend it to any of you guys but I guess when Uwe Boll doesn’t direct a movie it does automatically get better. This movie kept me entertained….at some parts. I still had to take break and come back for it! This movie isn’t even recognised by Wikipedia among video game adaptations so that is saying something.
Did you see this one?! Do you know of any video game movies that do not make the IMDB movie list?! Let me know and I might review it! Among the 38 sh other movies I still have to watch! Next week we will look at the Mortal Kombat Sequel and after that..we take another dip in Boll.

This is Bollshit: House of the Dead (2003) Review

Hey my lovely island guests! For a while now I have been doing movie reviews on monday, and for the last two weeks I have been discussing video game movies! I thought it was a fun idea for me to go to EVERY video game movie made up till this day! You know since we are all geeks and that! Yet there is one man who makes this challenge turn from hard, into a herculean feat! One man whose movies are so bad that his IMDB entire oeuvre  average grade (for game movies at least)  is almost an entire grade lower  of the total score Tommy Wiseau’s The Room has! That man is Uwe Boll.. and my friends made me start with potentially his worst movie! Today I review House of The Dead.

Very few movies are so bad that the director is accused of money laundering. While this movie ‘only’ costs about 12 million dollars, people saw this movie looked so bad, it possibly can not have cost that much. Since 12 million is almost nothing for a film nowadays… that is saying something. Now having seen this movie.. I am pretty sure there was some money embezzled here and there because the zombies in this movie..do not look better than your overzealous halloweenist or what you might encounter in a haunted maze. In this movie we follow Rudy and his friends who go to a rave..of 12 people or so.. on an island known for it’s gun smuggling business and the rumors of a deadly curse that dates back to the golden age of Spanish trade. While Rudy is already on the island his friends miss the boat and they pay a smuggler 1000 dollars to take them to the island.  Before they get there to shit goes down as all 12 rave visitor get killed by zombies.. lead by the immortal Castillo Sermano.. whose big motivations are.. that he created immortality…because he wanted to live forever.

This is the best looking zombie in the movie is by far the main Villian

Yes that is actual dialogue from the movie “You created it all so you could become Immortal, Why?” To which the villain answers “To live forever” Now that’s some pretty hokey dialogue. Mind you.. this man is Spanish..he kills everyone on this island immediately and no one dares to set foot on it.. but he speaks English. Then again he might be the mastermind of the Sega sponsored rave so he could get some new body parts to look fresher.. but I am not sure. Anyway.. people get naked.. and people die..typical Uwe Boll stuff, there isn’t that much more to the movie. Of course since it is based on a light gun game.. there is also a lot of shooting as well. A near infinite supply of hand grenades spawns from a single crate as well. At least Uwe had the video game logic down. In fact.. a lot of times it even looks like a video game, and I don’t JUST mean fake!

Actual Screen-grab from Movie

House of the Dead is one of the classic arcade shooters and if you have ever been at a convention or at an arcade you’ll most likely have at least seen it maybe even played it. If you haven’t don’t worry Uwe has got your back.  I honestly think that game’s pixelated graphics has better looking zombies than this movie. Then again.. if you have your face painted in Mcdonald’s, 9 out of 10 times it will look better than this movie. People just get some white lenses and some blood is smeared on their somewhat whitened face .. and tadaa.. you are a zombie. Well that or you are rotten to absolute heck.. and kinda look like a Jawa without the cloak. I’d imagine. Bullets can leave holes in your torso the size of a soup bowl or not have any effect at all at totally random. Sometimes people lose arms at random or aim for something they clearly are not hitting. So somehow Uwe simulated how actual aged light guns work.. and translated that to a movie! At least that’s faithful. 

Kore we Zombie Desu Ka?! No seriously I am asking here!

To give you more immersion scenes are strung together with actual game footage  flashing throughout the entire movie at random intervals, since people are very bad at acting we do not get death scenes we instead get “game over screens” where the camera spins around a character in a more heroic moment before the screen turns red and fades away. I honestly have never seen a movie whose cinematography is so painfully bad as this one. People look so awkward with their guns yet somehow every one .. from cop, to model to random girl can wield these weapons with pinpoint accuracy..even while being eaten, underwater  and of course while insanely drunk. Sets are so obviously fake that it seems like something Vampirella would present on.. or whatever those horror hosts did. Even Ed Wood might say.. you might wanna adjust those lights.

This is at night by the way

Now sometimes a movie is so bad that it’s good. Not with this movie though! While what I might have said sounds like it is a hilariously bad movie like Birdemic and The Room, this does not have that charm.  Where in those movies.. and Who Killed Captain Alex too for that matter there is passion..this is a movie of paychecks and “let’s get it over with” acting.  People read their lines and that’s it. It feels like a ‘you get your diploma but barely’  graduation project from acting school. It isn’t always the actors fault though Jonathan Cherry who plays Rudy.. really can not carry any dramatic scene. Jürgen Prochnow who is better know for Das Boot and Dune  is passable at times but the character is poorly written. All the characters are poorly written. We have the dumb model, the crazy superstitious sailor, the straight shooting cop and the over sexed bimbo.  However.. our main cast is Random doctor student , random ex girlfriend.. and other random girl who is also a friend. They have no traits whatsoever except for being mean to the model guy. It’s hard to act if your character doesn’t have a personality so I get that. 

Captain Kirk and Captain America working together!

Well the doctor guy.. Rudy Curien  likes girls. That’s his trade.. but with girls named Liberty, Karma and Alicia.. you got a pretty good idea what Uwe Boll things a woman is. A stripper.
Alicia fights the final fight in some sort of leather skimpy corset. Liberty wears one of those 60’s american flag jump suits with some serious push up and there is a lot of boob in this movie. They are meant to look sexy and basadds, so most of the times girls wield Melee weapons.. just so the camera man can get away with some close up shots that follow the line of “hey my eyes are up here’. The cop named Carter (she is never given a first name in this movie)  and captain Kirk..(yes thats what he is called)  are the only two characters I remotely enjoyed. Unfortunately Kirk gets bitten and uses dynamite to blow himself up.. because dynamite is a weapon.. like shotguns and all .. it’s really not but they have tons of it in a weapons crate in this movie.  

Carter gets her legs chopped off by a axe wielding zombie..who throws the axe away and loses it prior to chopping her legs of with it. (Also he gets killed before) So I am pretty sure Uwe Boll pays tribute to the respawning video game enemies.  Carter of course dies from this and in a very well acted Rudy moment *cough*  he says goodbye to her and we see her die.
Afterwards the house her corpse is in gets blown up. Zombies still roam the area and later a special force team clears the area of anything remotely suspicious.  So obviously she’s the star of the sequel… (That’s no joke..despite getting her legs chopped off, laying there for almost an entire night bleeding, getting blown up by a huge gunpowder explosion.. she is the star of the sequel.. that takes place AFTER these events). Oh right and I almost forgot you to tell about the acid spit zombie.. of which there is exactly one! The model whose face is slowly dissolving acts out his pain with so much zeal… who am I kidding.. his acting is on the level of an early 90’s video game voice acting person.  So again! Point for Uwe for faithfulness.

Clearly this woman can survive and entire night of bleeding out and being blown up! Look at how healthy she looks!

Never really get annoyed by a movies soundtrack but in case of this movie.. it literally does everything wrong! We get very odd music choices that do not match their situation at all. A despair fight they are losing gets high octane metal music as if we are playing doom, while someone dying on the table gets a slightly whimsical melody.. a creepy crypt is more generic rock/metal and the rave itself doesn’t really have rave music at all. Then again no one going to this rave is your usual raver either. I found some music choices so painful.. and out of place I just wonder where they got the track.. are they in the video game? If so that game has a really bad soundtrack.. but still I bet it utilizes it more wisely.. this feels like the sound editor just wanted to be cool! And just picked some edgelord music pieces and strung them together. The best comparison I can make is that this movie sounds like one of those strip clubs that serves free chicken wings.. just to get some guests in their place.. you know the place where strippers look more like actual zombies than the zombies in this movie. 

I like that red guy in the back right in front of those zombies without make up near the flame!

To be honest I’d rather go to the stripclub though.. I mean .. free Chicken Wings. Nothing against strippers by the way, I have sex worker friends and as long as you have fun what your doing it’s all good.. I just mean.. some can look a bit .. washed up. Scarier than the zombies in this movie. Anyway I was talking about the sound. Of course this movie constantly has weird camera moments where like a video game the camera spins around a character to show a critical hit or something.. this is accompanied by weird swooshing noises, epic close ups that have bullets whistling and super stock sounding explosions and gun effects.. as if the files have been ripped straight out of a video game. …

The unlockable secret outfits come already unlocked as well 10/10

As far as video game movies go.. it’s about the equivalent of someone taping their let’s play of House of the Dead and selling it as a movie.. except it has more annoying characters, more poorly timed music, worst hit detection and zero gameplay. Less satisfying gore a worse story, worse camera angles and less interesting set pieces. It’s not enjoyable to watch yet has this magnetism to it.. you can’t help but to keep watching.  While I haven’t been positive nor is there much to be positive at all, I do gotta say.. weirdly..I do feel this is a video game movie.. more so than say Assassins Creed. It is as if Uwe Boll does really care about this game and has put so many elements of the game in.. to make it feel like he was playing the game again while shooting this movie. It doesn’t work, it doesn’t treat women right, it doesn’t care about being a good movie.. but there somewhere is some understanding of the source material. I think.. or he somehow managed to make a movie that is so awful that it feels like the game .. in the wrong places by sheer coincidence. 

I saw something.. like a little spark of a connection.. like our inner gamers clicked just for a tiny moment. It’s buried too  much under trying to turn this movie into his persona edgy strip club! Where the chicken wings are free but so oily and greasy..that they look more like zombies.. than the zombies in this actual movie.

While some movies are so bad they are good, this one is just plane bad! A point can be made for it having heart.. but a point can also be made that this movie was made for the reason to embezzle some of the 12 million this movie costs and to turn a movie into your private stripclub! Sorry this definitely deserves my lowest score:

Review System Update coming soon!

PS:

Dear Mister Boll, if you ever read this review…somehow.. or one of my other dips into your Video Game movies, which at least according to IMDB aren’t much better, please do not invite me to a boxing match to beat me up, like you did to other critics. I might die from that! So IF you have to take your revenge on me..please make a movie about my absolute favorite games in the world, making a movie so bad it kills the games?! I would be so sad and you would have the intellectual victory! My favorite games are Fortnite and Call of Duty..possibly Fifa too! I accept that you might want revenge..so these are my tributes to you!….But please do not make these movies within the next year! I have to review all video game movies.. if you manage to make one within 40 weeks.. i’d have to review that too and a Fortnite movie by Uwe Boll sounds like absolute dogshit! Thank you for understanding!