I hear gravel cracking under tires outside my hut. I look at my alarm clock. Three thirty in the morning. I see the red glow of brake lights through my window shades. I hear a car door open up.
*Quack Quack* *Quack Quack*
I know whose Jeep this is. Only one person on this island drives a custom Duck Jeep. Complete with matching Duck Quacks as a keys-still-in-the-ignition-alarm.
I hear another door slam. Then palmate up the drive. I dress quickly. What could it be this late at night? Was it something I had done? Something I had said?
*Knock Knock* Two raps at the door.
Cookie sighs, rolling over on the couch trying to catch some ZzZz’s. Some Gaurd Seal he is.
I open the door somewhat guessing what this late night meeting could be about.
“Princess?
Princess Pinkie hands me a shovel and strolls back to the jeep. I examine the shovel and she turns around at the Duck Jeep. “Well? Are you ready?”
Not soon after we’re driving through the sandy roads of Paradise in the dead of night. We pass by occasional bonfires and coconuts enjoying their night. I, blink twice as I see Sunny hanging upside down from a tree. I, shake my head. I have to lay off the drink.
“So if this is about..” I start
“It’s not about anything. Granted you haven’t been showing up for your duties but Paradise is accommodating. The only reason I’m calling upon you now is because I may have found something that would interest you.”
With my interest peaked I gaze over towards the driver side as Princess Pinkie holds up what looks like a dirty old map. She keeps her eyes on the road ahead as I take the map from her hands.
“What is it?”
“I think it’s a treasure map.”
“Here? Treasure? On the island??”
“If that map is true. We should be approaching the spot soon” As we pull up to a secluded beach across the island. The sun not yet risen painting the sky a lighter shade of blue. We exit the vehicle and see that there is already a red “X” painted on the sand. We look at one another and shrug. I throw the shovel into the sand and only have to scoop one shovelful of sand up to uncover what lies beneath. It is a copy of the PlayStation 2 game, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer…
We both look at it on the ground. “Do you think that’s it?” I ask. Pinkie seems just as disappointed. “I mean.. shit. I don’t know.”
“I’ll try digging a little further”
“Yeah do that” she says as I scoop Pirates out of the way and continue digging.
The nine o’ clock sun is beating down on both of us collapsed on the beach. Hours of digging. No dice. The treasure is unfortunately the PlayStation 2 game, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer. Defeated we both rise and walk over to the Jeep. Arriving at my hut only a short time later Pinkie tosses the game on the seat after I get out.
“Maybe you were meant to play this game.”
Looking down at it. “Yeah…sure.”
I close the door.
So this game arguably has the longest trailer I have ever seen. Especially considering the average completion time on Howlongtobeat.com is around four hours. Which four hours really doesn’t seem like a long period of time. It’s only 1/6th of a day. 1/2 of a good night’s sleep (does anyone ever get a full eight?) no, four hours doesn’t seem long at all.
BUT THIS FOUR HOURS IS A VERY LONG TIME
So.. arguably part of this is my fault but mostly it’s not. Let me explain.
Back some time ago in my early 20’s I used to work at a Gas Station/Pizzeria type place. I don’t know how most of Europe works but I’m pretty sure you guys have the same idea – in Dublin I ate at some Irish McDonald’s knock off that was way better at a Petrol station. So people liked the pizza at this place and every summer – it was right down the road from where they held the county fair.
Now this county fair is a big deal. Every year. People really dig it and every year it’d usually be the same touring carnival staff that really dug our food. So working there while the fair was operating afforded you the chance to meet a lot of colorful personalities. But there was one particular person I’ll never forget because there was a part of me that envied him. I think.
This was at the height of the Pirates of the Caribbean craze and there was a man that would adorn himself in full Jack Sparrow attire and make up and well… he was quite a hit. Twenty year old me would watch as people surrounded him for photos as I pushed out pizza dough or made subs. Watching quietly from afar thinking things like:
“Wow… that guy probably gets a lot of tail.”
And
“Pirates of the Caribbean was the best thing that’s ever happened to this dude.”
What the hell does this have to do with anything? Well… it does sort of help explain my misconceptions of pirates and piracy in general. I, a relatively unpopular and lowly pizza boy saw this Johnny Depp look-a-like crushing it. And I should add a fun loving and mischievous, Jack Sparrow cosplayer that was melting the hearts of moms the world over while everyone else swooned.
As I sat there changing our fryer baskets I glared at the local star. As people gathered around I thought to myself:
“Probably never sailed a day in your life, you fraud!”
But neither had I AND there is absolutely no sailing going on in the deceptively titled, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer.
In fact, if you missed the five minute video at the beginning of the game you probably would have no clue this is a game based on pirates at all. There is no sailing, or drinking rum or singing songs. All you do is shoot monkeys in the face and fall to your death.
The story’s premise is sort of cool, if not a bit confusing. During the height of the slave trade – there was a slave ship on its way to a Spanish Outpost that found itself ravaged in the storms of the Bermuda Triangle. Where as legend will have it the legendary slave, La Borgne commanded a slave army that waged war on the nearby Spanish Outpost. They destroyed all that was in their way because well.. they were understandably pissed off. The Outpost was deserted and in nautical lore the island was considered cursed and dangerous but also of course, a terminal for lost treasures and riches beyond your wildest dreams.
At last, hearing nothing from the outpost for quite a while the Spanish Crown sends its most decorated captain out to learn the fate of the doomed ship. The revered explorer, Dominic Roberto De La Cruz (shout out to my friend, Filipa 🤗) As legend would have it De La Cruz would land on the island and battle La Borgne and her army of slaves but the outcome of this struggle is lost to the sands of time and De La Cruz was never heard from again.
Here is where you enter – as Francis Blade. A nobody rogue who finds himself as the sole survivor of a ship wreck marooned on La Borgne Island. It is here where apes and orangutans attack you for no reason whatsoever and you’ll spend hours upon hours swearing at your television as the game’s inconsistent and slippery controls fail you over and over again.
IGN.com
There is an interesting element (one that I don’t like and I don’t really think it makes a ton of sense) but after a little bit of gameplay you come across an Amulet. An amulet that gives you the power to morph into the “Black Buccaneer”. Whom confusingly looks like a mix between Baron Samedi and the Hulk. The artwork on the old screens are very heavy with the Baron Samedi aesthetic as well without any real mention of Haiti or Voodoo culture whatsoever.
One could argue that it’s not necessarily the developer and writer’s jobs to spoon feed the gamer every single detail but it sort of seems like a missed opportunity when you’re dealing with subject matter as fascinating as Baron Samedi and Haitian culture as a whole.
I like the idea of an escaped slave raging against her colonial captors through the use of brute force and black magic but why not run with it? It feels like a decent idea that was never fully realized. Which is basically the entire story of this game.
If they would have just tightened up the controls and upped the story a little bit you could have had a memorable adventure but instead they ended up with confusing plot accompanied by infuriating controls.
SHOP TIL YOU DROP
I mean .. yeah .. it’s bad but it’s still worth more than one cent. Buy it if you see it for one cent.
DESERT ISLAND SONGS
I mean will any other song written about a pirate ever compare?
Hear Ye Hear Ye Princess Pinkie is here with her first Vtuber post!
Salutations loyal subjects and sweet Island Guests. Today we open a new category of blog topic, something I have become very endeared to! VTubers. So I came up with a plan to review VTubers.. but that is tricky! Some I enjoy more in clip format, while others I watch streams after the fact that they have streamed and yet others I do enjoy interacting with… so how can I review them all in a fair and funny way?! By bringing back an old format I could not keep up with back then! I may have staff, I may have knights.. but I do not have a real waifu! Well Sayaka is my waifu..but well ..that’s a real person to me.. how about Verson/VTuber/Vblogger me?! She needs a Waifu as well… So let’s look at how weddable these lovely VTubers are while telling you something about you! Today we start with the first VTuber I became aware of! Inugami Korone.
<Disclaimer> This post will feature many clip and videos! Which sometimes do not show up in WordPress reader, so the ideal way to read these posts is on the actual Paradise Website <End of Disclaimer>
Who is Korone
To be fair, the first VTuber I was aware of wasn’t really Korone, it was Kizuna AI, but back then it was not really called Vtuber! When she actually began doing sponsored mobile games a lot, I kind of fell off the AI-chan bandwagon! I missed the good old days where she played games like Limbo… Korone is the one that brought me back into the world.. and really hooked me to it! When I saw AI I had a dream to be like this one day .. but she was too technologically advanced to ever live up too. Korone.. was a more reachable goal and while I am far from getting there as well..mostly due to money issues.. she became a big inspiration.
Inugami Korone is a japanese VTuber , she is a dog who works in a bakery, with her first name Korone being derived from the word Coronet and Inugami meaning “Dog God ”. She is part of the most well known VTuber group, HoloLive. She joined the group in 2019 and after a series of announcements, sneak peaks and teases she had her debut on April 14th. While it took Korone a while to find her style, she nowadays is best known… to me at least, for playing mostly retro games. Which was a big appeal to me! Her on screen persona is oftenly highly energetic and erratic. Korone has shown to be very emotional during many streams which vary from.. hyper-enthusiasm.. too crying so hard she had to end/pause a stream. She also often gets “mad” at her chat! Which has led to numerous memes! Because she tells she would punch chat in the face if she could and she made it possible for her to do so even.
Her fanbase is called Koronesuki, which is depicted as a bald man, drawn in photoshop paint. The avatar of chat is known as Listener-Kun. Often Korone’s dog mascot is seen on top of Listener-Kun.. but Korone has several versions of Listener kun.. including one with his face being punched in.. by Korone’s first. Her name is being used as a pun for donations, which she only picked up on after streaming for two years! Many clip moments of Korone revolve around her interaction with chat,
The upsites on dating Korone
I am a dog person
Vtubers almost exclusively are demi humans, we have ducks, reapers, pirates, demons, alpaca’s nymphs.. and Korone is a dog! She is 92 years old in dog years..or at least her avatar is and I get along with dogs really really well! I have this tranquil energy or something that makes dogs always vibe with me. My sister’s former toy poodle for example was such a restless spirit.. but around me it totally calmed down and would just take naps in my lap! Even when I just met it.. it just wanted to lay down close to me.. and that’s a reaction I often have with dogs! I think having a Waifu that wants to lay down next to me is a pretty good trait to have a solid relationship!
We have similar styles
So Korone manifests as quite the sugary little thing! Despite being a finger collecting, fan punching maniac! I do like them crazy, especially with some sugar on top! Korone totally fits that brief! She might just be Yandere enough.. and I do like them cute with rough edges. I have evil tendencies as well at times so.. we’d be a good fit! Her original song Wonderful World is basically how I would produce a song if I had the vocal cords, the money , and the musicality to do it! The only thing I can really do is write the song and come up with the concept.. but it would be something very very similar to this. I love how she mixes retro gaming tunes with a powerful idol girl song! Most of it is about cutting of fingers and Korone herself as well, using all the memes and iconic things about her! I think that is great… brand yourself.. I try to do that too! You don’t need to do the thing everyone likes… just be you and she is totally doing that in this song, so we match in style as well. If I look at the direction it basically and the images used in this clip it is basically how I do my Sunshine Blogger posts! So.. yeah once again we quite match!
We can play Retro Games together.
Art By PoppySicle_Art
In VTuber terms, even though I am 21….NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! BUT I AM NOT!! 34!!! I AM 21! Let’s try that again, so even though I am 21 I am considered a boomer in the Vtubing community! I really love retro games the most! I find a lot of modern day.. (Triple A) games are generic. Why does a game have to have 2000 genres.. why do I have to humiliate other people? There are plenty of Indie games I still like, but mostly because they emulate the experience of the past! Luckily Korone agrees with me! I really hate games like Fortnite, Roblox or Apex so if I had a Vtuber wife who would just play those kinds of games, we would be such a poor match. But original Mario, Metal Slug or Spider Man 2000?! I am a game! I could even protect Korone from some creepy worm-like enemies which she seems to be very afraid of! If she can save me from wasps, or the B enemies in Donkey Kong Country 1 and 2 we’d be a great retro gaming pair!
We both bond with our game companions
Art by Japanese name I can’t read
The best clip to show the beauty of Korone’s soul.. and how amazing her community is.. comes from a time when she played Monster Rancher 2, she did her voice a bit differently from what she does now as the video is over a year old… but this made me cry so hard. I legit cried for an hour or so.. because I shared the pain that Korone experiences in this video! I play an occasional Nuzlocke and such, yet most of the time when my favourite pokémon dies, I can’t bring myself to play anymore. I will be honest, I do not bond with every Pokémon .. but if I get a nickname just right.. and it develops in the right way and our bond is legit…. I am devastated when they die. I’ve heard Jaiden goes through something similar, I know a pokétuber called MandJTv says he goes through something similar.. but never did I experience their pain.. like when I saw Korone play this game. It shows me that she can bond with something virtual.. which is kinda important considering that my princess self is virtual as well! So now I know we can have a real connection
The Downsides on Dating Korone
She WILL punch me for backseat gaming
Art by Kukic_Nyan
Imagine Korone and I are having a date! We are playing a retro game together and things are going well! I am sitting on her couch and it’s her turn! I want to support her and cheer her on! I accidentally get caught up in the hype of seeing my doggo girlfriend/date play the game and cheer for her….with some directions here and there! Well Korone doesn’t really like that very much! I do agree that backseat gaming is annoying..but her chat has driven her to a point that she will now inflict violence upon those who tell her stuff about the game! I like my face… well at least my virtual face! I would rather not have my face punched.. That looks quite painful! There are plenty of memes out there of Korone murdering people in Minecraft as well, she even has said the Iconic words Falcon Punch! And if you ever played Smash Bros, you know how painful it is to be hit by one of those!
She is a cat person
Artist Unknown
VTubers flirt with each other a lot, so it is no surprise that Korone does something like this as well , the object of her affection is called Okayu, a cat girl VTuber, whom I may or may not review in the future of this series, right now she is not in my field of interest. I will be honest I am NOT a cat person, at all. I would not go as far as to say I HATE cats, but I just can’t bond with them at all. Even in Pokémon I pretty much never end up using cat pokémon.. even if Skitty is pink! Either way Korone is VERY affectionate about Okayu , the two hang out in real life and Korone throws tamper tantrums when she thinks Okayu is about to leave for home because she doesn’t want her to leave! She wants to be kissed by her and she totally adores the girl.. it’s shown in pretty much every stream they share!
While I do not believe in traditional monogamy, the reason to engage in a relationship for me is to experience being so important to someone while having that person be so important to you as well. In a way that feels great to be a fan of something… but mutual I guess. If I know she places Okayu above me.. that reason to make her my Waifu would kinda vanish! I’d like to be the number one of her affection.. and I am not sure if I’d ever get that, and even if I do I would hear cat stories all day long and I do not like hearing cat stories! I love it if you show you got a cat and introduce them to me through cute photos.. but I mean those stories like “Oh my cat wants pats… oh my cat is grumpy ” .. they are the same every day! So stop it Korone!
She wants my fingers
Like I said before Korone is a bit of a psychopath, she loves taking peoples fingers. The origins of this quirk is odd, she started collecting fingers because she needed an original opening. Among HoloLive Gamers she was the only one who did not have her own little intro and she asked chat if it was okay if she asked chat to give them their fingers. Chat replied Yubi Yubi, and so Korone assumed it was okay! Nowadays it is a commonly known meme! And while we can easily dismiss it as just that.. There have been several sessions of gaming where Korone seems super delighted to collect a finger or more! Not just once.. she seems delighted every time! Now she can cut off my legs if she wants.. I am not using those a lot … but my fingers I very much need to game. She seems to take index fingers mostly and that is my most used finger, it’s my typing finger! Or fingers. I hardly ever type with other fingers! So I would lose the ability to blog and would become much worse in gaming… and over all I would really not want that! I just am afraid that if she tries to put a ring on my finger.. it won’t be attached to my body!
We are gonna have language problems
Like many Japanese Vtubers Korone doesn’t exactly speak english and I don’t speak Japanese. Maybe if I tried very hard… VERY hard, I could be as good in Japanese as she is in English… but before you scold me, I already speak Dutch, local dialect, english and german and I can’t help myself a tiny bit in french and spanish! Not that it will help me talk to Korone of course. The difference between Korone and most english Vtubers is that Korone is easily one of the most memed ones for her bad understanding of english! She has english only streams as a sort of gag. She says some pretty strange things! For example, she claims to be Mercedes Benz! She is also Volkswagon! I am not into cars! I can’t even drive one!. If she takes a shower in the morning and our pipes are clogged.. I’d have to probably understand something along the lines of. Water..in shower..inversion! Peepay no hole! Okay? She is very bad with adjectives.. and I use a lot of those! Since I am not looking for that much of a physical relation with a Waifu.. I do think communication is a big thing! In fairness I think it would be pretty cute if we tried though.. kind of like that time she tried to defuse a bomb with a shinigami!
How eligible is Korone?
Art by Momoshiki_Tsubaki
Do we have a future together? Probably not! Okayu is too much of a factor for me to overcome! The two make a great couple and I do not like to rip-up couples! Separations DO happen though in the HoloLive canon, so who knows maybe in the future! I am not even fully a model yet! So there is hope! She hasn’t ever threatened to take Okayu’s fingers as far as I am aware so if she can leave my limbs alone we’d be good! In fact, since we are talking about a bride for my virtual self.. I think my unicorn magic would allow me to regenerate lost limbs anyway.. and she can have my pinky…ironically! In the end I think we would be a cute couple to look at BUT it might be a bit of a superficial mariage! I’d pretend to understand what she likes about Eating Mike Tyson’s ass… but deep down I can’t understand.. I just can’t explain that to her..so we will pretend everything is alright! WoooWoooWooo! In the end I give Korone a wedding score off 7 yubi’s and a fingernail out of 10.
Do you know about Korone?! What is your favourite Vtuber?! Are there any Vtubers you’d like me to review in this series? Let me know! I am looking forward to do more of these! I have a lot of fun plans! So let’s talk about Vtubers in the comments.. or let’s talk about something else in the next post! Untill then! Stay random! *Quack*
Long before I had the luxurious job of emptying out hot tubs and scrubbing them by hand on Paradise Island, I grew up in a small town. One of those one stoplight towns – the type of place you read about in Stephen King novels and such. But no killer clowns stalked us as children and we didn’t form some sort of killing cult in the cornfields surrounding the hamlet.
No, we did basically what all the other city kids did and still do. Be discontent, listen to punk rock, drink, do drugs and walk around at night like the little miscreants we were. But there were a few perks to rural life – at least in the absolutely forgotten (but not forgettable) Upstate New York.
Small race tracks permeate upstate – from the western frontier to the mountain ranges of central and north east New York. While never being thought of as anything more than “NYC” – the state of New York is gigantic. Sprawling woods, The Catskills and Adirondack mountain ranges. Even Appalachia runs up through the southern part of the state.
Weaving in between all of this ski country are little towns and villages and many of them have their own little hometown arena of sorts: A racetrack. Usually dirt, some times pavement. Growing up in rural New York the races are just sort of rite of the land. Even if you’re not into them you’re well aware of them.
While easy to dismiss as just a muddy oval with a bunch of hicks driving around in circles (which it is) I challenge the most disinterested to not feel the rise in heartbeat and rush of adrenaline when the roar of thirty cars greets a green flag. The tension and white knuckle competition of dozens of men and women just going for it. That drive is intoxicating and in a small way still apart of me.
FANCY INTRODUCTION VIDEO
Now don’t get me wrong. I am about as far away from a country boy as you can get. Immediately moving to a city weeks before barely stumbling across the high school graduation stage. Fifteen years ago you would have seen me vehemently deny any such upbringing. But times change.
And in the gaming world nothing has changed more than my feeling towards the Test Drive series. A series I loved growing up with, enjoyed immensely and played regularly.
A month or so ago I received a big bulk package of games I purchased from Goodwill. There were a few titles I was very excited about adding to my collection (X Files: Resist or Serve being one of them) As I was going through doing inventory of repeat games and checking discs I saw Test Drive. I was overjoyed with seeing an old favorite. Sure that it’d be an enjoyable arcade racer that I could waste hours on.
I was wrong
Now to explain why I have to take you back in time a little. You see in the 90’s there were plenty of racing titles, arcade or simulation that featured American muscle, British luxury, German engineering marvels and Japanese speed. Typically these games were set in a few iconic places around the world where you would race beautiful rare cars against one another on lush English back country roads. Occasionally dodging livestock or a police car. It was sort of like some unspoken millionaire racers club.
This was just kind of the way it was. No one even questioned it. You just sort of assumed that anyone driving a Jaguar XJ-220 around was probably just some rich dickhead.
Until 2001 rolled around and the first of two hundred Fast and Furious films came out. Once that happened – arcade racing games would be changed forever.
Ha! This old thing? This is just my winter car.
“The Fast and Furious effect of 2001” or “FAFE 01”(as I would refer to it years later in my college thesis at Yale University) not only changed the landscape of racing games dramatically but the entire world around us.
First off, men the world over shaved their heads. If shears weren’t an option then men and women rushed to their nearest skull cap store. Donning the new Diesel look. Vin Diesel mania had kicked off.
Real time photo of him driving to my house to kick my ass.
By the winter of 2001 not only was most of the world bald but they were pumping iron as well and even more damning for the Test Drive series – the globe was demanding less luxury and pomp in their racing games and simply more Diesel.
So video games developers had to respond to the rapidly changing market and fast and here is where Test Drive screwed up. Instead of doing any sort of research whatsoever on street racing culture, the long storied history of street racing in iconic locations like SoCal and Tokyo (“The Midnight Club”) or I don’t know, even just watching a movie about racing they said the hell with it. We’ll figure it out as we go and it’s pretty damn obvious.
The plot is pretty simple. You are some guy named Dennis Black and you are contacted by some guy named Donald Clark. Clark is a rich idiot that reminds me of Elon Musk. He’s rude and mean and apparently wheelchair bound. I give the writers credit here for making a handicapped character a total dick. That’s all the credit they’re getting from me, though.
Basically Donald is injured and wants you to race for him. Never mind the fact that we’re assuming at this point he is some sort of ridiculous millionaire that is wasting his time street racing – which the prize is a measly $1000 per victory. I just feel like a guy that could afford to own Dodge Vipers and a Hemi Cuda would be interested in higher stakes money wise.
But what do I know about being a millionaire street racer? The answer? Absolutely nothing. I’ve never been a street racer and I’ll never be a millionaire so maybe these people do exist. Who knows?
So the story sucks but that’s of little consequence. The game ultimately is just not fun. The cars take no damage whatsoever – I hit a semi truck going 210 miles per hour and the semi truck flew backwards. The racers on the track are supposed to be these characters from cutscenes but they don’t drive with any personality. It’s a very dull, repetitive and lonely experience.
It’s sad to see what once was such a strong racing series fall from grace at the turn of the century.
SHOP TIL YOU DROP
Are you kidding me?
DESERT ISLAND SONGS
The soundtrack is probably the best thing about the game. But it’s not great. It’s a strange mix of Saliva, Ja Rule, Moby and DMX. Being an old lame ass dude my favorite of these artists is Moby. So, alas the Moby banger, “Bodyrock” is my favorite song on the game.
PERIWINKLE’S LOW HANGING FRUIT PUNCH INGREDIENTS V. 2.0
1.) Vin Diesel Skull Cap (Test Drive)
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No bad games this week, peeps! Just some serious mom love. Not like that either you, deviants. I am far from being the only person that has realized that mothers are pretty underrepresented as far as video game characters are concerned. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. Let me explain:
In an industry that, until pretty recently, has been overwhelminglydominated by males its not very shocking that programmers and writers are not out there writing about maternal badasses. It’s probably less a “stick-to-what-you-know” situation as it is a “write-for-who-you-think-is-playing” situation.
As we all know by now non -male gamers have always been out there but historically have been treated as a silent – if not completely forgotten – minority. That’s not to say just because you are a woman and a gamer you don’t totally love a badass male protagonist. But diversity is the spice of life!
So in honor of Mother’s Day weekend, here is a completely silly and random tribute to video games moms throughout the years. As diverse as all of our real mothers – these badasses prove that blood doesn’t always make family – in fact you don’t even have to be a human to be a good mom. Happy Mother’s Day.
THE BOSS (METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER
Alright alright – a few things right off the bat. For those of you who have been reading Periwinkle posts from the beginning I just want to say, “thank you.” Secondly, if you are one of those readers and are asking yourself, “can this guy just do a damn list without mentioning a Hideo Kojima game?” The answer is ahard no.
I can’t because it is nearly impossible for me to talk about my love for gaming without pointing towards something he has done. I’m a fan boy. You know this, I know this, once he finally accepts my love letters even he’ll know this – ahem – moving on.
The Boss is not winning any “mom of the year” awards and is a very far cry from your typical soccer mom. A hardened soldier, a World War Two veteran and Naked Snake’s mentor, their relationship is very, very complicated.
Every confrontation the two have throughout the game she teaches Snake another harsh reality not only about the battlefield but about human nature. Basically whooping his ass repeatedly until he stops making the same mistakes. Their final battle is haunting.
And even after all that Snake isn’t even her son. Her relationship with her real son, Revolver Ocelot is just as complicated in an entirely different way. What is for sure however, is The Boss’ legacy as a complicated badass being cemented in the hearts, minds and conscious of Metal Gear fans the world over.
Wrinkly Kong (Donkey Kong Series)
Alright so I have to admit that up until today I thought Wrinkly Kong was Donkey Kong’s mom. I was wrong. Turns out, Wrinkly is actually Donkey Kong’s Grandmother. Whom regardless still seemed to raise “DK the third” as her own with her husband, Cranky Kong. And anyways, Grandmas are still moms and grandparents still make great parents. So here we are with the not dangerous but unbelievably cute, intellectual and spry, Wrinkly Kong.
Making her first appearance in the unbelievably fun and still totally killer, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Quest she runs her own Kong College educating her little Kong grandchildren about the game’s items and tossing them hints. She also offers her place as a safe respite and a save point for the little ones so seeing her cute little face on the map always accompanied a sense of relief.
By the third DK Country she had retired from her career as an educator but still offers game tips and a save spot for Dixie and Kiddy Kong.
Sadly by Donkey Kong 64, Wrinkly appears as a ghost. We learn that she passed away due to her accelerated age yet she still finds a way to make herself valuable to her family with hidden doors, hints and bananas. Proving that lessons and guidance outlive the greatest of teachers.
SONYA BLADE (MORTAL KOMBAT SERIES)
Sonya has had a rough go. Following trash bag ozzie, Kano into some sort of hellish underworld. Her and her military partner Jax are split up, captured, freed, captured again, ignored by the US Government and eventually she gets cut in half.
BUT luckily (sort of) Ms. Blade or should I say, Mrs. Cage was granted new life with the “current MK timeline”. Eventually marrying Johnny Cage and giving birth to their daughter, Cassie Cage. They eventually divorce and The Cage family is constantly being pulled in and out of the Netherrelm and yet time and time again she always sets a good example for her daughter and never thinks twice about sacrificing herself for her family no matter what hellish obstacle stands in her way.
KARA (DETROIT: BECOME HUMAN)
“ I know you think we’re just machines… but since I met Alice, I know I can feel things… I care for her, I fear for her, I can’t be happy if she’s not… This probably doesn’t make any sense to you but… I know she changed me somehow”
Created by CyberLife as a common household maid android, Kara lives with and serves Todd Williams. She also takes care of his daughter, Alice. During her assembly she is tested by operators on her physical and cognitive functions where she begins to realize she isn’t a human. Learning she is to be reset and sold, Kara panics claiming, “She thought she was alive.” As a gesture of mercy after Kara pleads with the operator they don’t reset her and she is shipped off to a store to be sold with her sentience intact.
It is there where she is purchased and brought to the Williams home. Without a mother figure in the home, Kara fills the void for Alice, Todd’s daughter and it’s in response to Todd Williams abusive personality that Kara takes Alice and runs away with her. Showing that true love can break any cycle no matter how impossible or deeply programmed it may seem.
LULU LULU (FINAL FANTASY X)
Ah, Lulu. Technically not a biological mother yet in Final Fantasy X – she might as well be. Guardian to Yuna on her pilgrimage she has not only sworn an oath to protect her but guides her emotionally as well. Also a prime example of a protective mother-like figure in battle, Lulu’s dark magic and fury overdrive is devastating when used correctly.
Seemingly stiff and stoic to protagonist, Tidus at first as the story progresses you get a true glimpse into the grieving process of a woman trying to hold it all together not only for herself but for her friends and family as well.
One of the darker more moody characters that develops beautifully throughout FFX, Lulu has been a fan favorite since the release of the game and for good reason. Free thinking (one of the only Yevonites to question the religion) powerful and beautiful – Lu is the epitome of badass video game moms who are as compassionate as they are deadly.
I’m sure I missed a bunch and I’m excited to hear who. Let us know in the comments who you think are the best video game moms/ mother like figures in gaming. Thank you for reading and happy Mother’s Day to everyone out there!
If for some reason you’d like to read more of my thoughts, follow me on social media or my website: https://linktr.ee/BuffaloRetro
OH AND – I’d like to point out the fact that I made it through an entire post without using vulgar language. Since I was fined by Paradise Palace for my last entry. I can’t afford to swear anymore. Until next week!
… I never really understood how I got there until long after I was already apart of the town. The last thing I remember is seeing Cookie walk into a fog. I followed in after him wondering where he was off to. He seemed quiet and more focused than usual. Eventually the fog grew so thick I could barely see directly in front of me. I called out for Cookie to no response.
It felt like I had been walking for days. Eventually the sand of the beach turned into asphalt and I began following the lonely white road line to keep some sense of direction. It felt as though I was traveling in dream years. So quickly through time that it gave the illusion of time itself standing still. When all at once the silhouette of a sign jutted out through the mist.
“WELCOME TO PARADISE HILL”
That was a few weeks ago I believe. But it could have been years ago. Time is a concept very rarely regarded in Paradise Hill. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry. I stood with the letter in my hand. I couldn’t believe it. The letter read:
“NOTICE OF EVICTION”
I stood shocked. I had fallen in love with the town. No traffic, no lines, no one to bother me. The fog made certain things and people a bit harder to see but really, once you got used to squinting all the time it was quite the destination. It had all of the makings and charm of your typical north west lumber town.
Nurses between shifts walking down the road together. I seem to see the same group every day after I wake up, hop out of bed and take a shower in Paradise Motel. “Hi ladies! Working hard or hardly working?” They always seem to get a kick out of it.
When I did leave the motel room in it was in short bursts. Run to the corner store and pick up a six pack – stop at the diner and use the kitchen to cook up a couple of steaks and then stroll merrily back through the blurry black and white white fog to my hotel room. Occasionally outside some loud fire siren would go off and it’d start to get dark outside but i never seemed to have an issue with it.
Just like anywhere else – you keep to yourself and no one tends to bother you. Not even in Paradise Hill. Until now.
As I read the eviction notice the board of directors at Paradise Hills sited a few reasons for my cause of eviction:
1.) LACK OF LODGING EXPENSES PAID:It’s true. I wasn’t paying rent. I mean no one ever asked. One time some guy with a huge hat knocked on the door and just sort of stood there and walked off. But I didn’t know if he was the landlord or just a creeper.
2.) THEFT OF GOODS AND SERVICES:
– (5) Welcome to Paradise Hill gift shop shirts
– (16) Six packs of Paradise Hill Ale
– (2) Bottles of sexual lubricant
– (1) Copy of The Titanic
– (1) Copy of Silent Hill: Origins
3.) FAILURE TO FACE YOUR OWN INNER DEMONS/ BE CREEPED OUT
Mr Winkle. Please – keep the goods you have procured and please leave town immediately. You are no longer welcome here at majestic Paradise Hill. Also your Sea Lion has been returned to your home safely. Please do not speak to any one on your way out as you have been creeping out the other residents for quite some time now.
Sincerely,
PARADISE HILL TOWN HALL
I packed up all my belongings as some beautiful sad music began playing from no where and I backpacked out of town. As I was on the outskirts of town I heard cheers of celebration. But before long I saw the bright lights and sights of Paradise again. Like a tilt-a-whirl through the dark. As I walked through the crowd no one seemed to notice me.
It dawned on me that I was now trapped in Paradise Hill forever. I was free to travel across the globe but no one would ever see me again. Only maybe being able to detect my presence here and there like that one movie with Sean Bean in it.
Baddest Bean on the planet.
Which I was completely fine with. I began to think of the possibilities of my new invisible life. I could sneak into Area 51 and finally figure out what the hell that place was all about. I could get into concerts for free. I could haunt people! This was going to be great. But my first mark was a hot dog stand I saw off the path near the coconut’s huts. I grabbed a roll and reached in the hot water and grabbed a hot dog. I slapped it into the bun and took a bite. Ah. Delicious hot dog stand hot dogs. Disgusting and delicious and now free for the rest of m-
“You gonna pay for that?”
Turns out I wasn’t invisible. And I wasn’t getting free hot dogs for the rest of my life. I walked home.
FANCY INTRO VIDEO
Released: March 4 2008
Developer: Climax Action (Sudeki, The Italian Job)
Published: Konami
Well back to reality and really sad gaming. Today, we have a case of a game that might have been alright if it wasn’t associated with such a strong franchise. I also sort of wanted to use this opportunity to explain what little work that does actually go into these posts and the sad consequences that result from playing (generally) nothing but bad games all of the time.
Not pictured: The Cry Hole that I crawl into after hours of bad gaming. Shelves of despair
When Pinkie and I had a check in conversation (now that she has a palace built it’s become a whole event with feasts and festivities etc) she asked what I was working on. I told her I was planning on starting Silent Hill: Origins. She responded with, “isn’t that the really bad one?”
Which surprisingly it’s not the really bad one. It’s just not a really good one. Which sums up this game perfectly. If it were named anything else it would probably be considered a forgotten but slightly above average survival horror game – starts off kind of lame, picks up and ends in an absolutely nonsensical way. Put the words Silent Hill on the case however and now you’re looking at a lackluster experience.
In the game you start off as rootin’ tootin’ truck driver, Travis Grady. He’s driving his MAC Truck getting his kicks off Route 66 and all that when he spots a little girl in the road. He swerves to avoid her (as most human beings tend to do) and stops to get out and investigate the scene. Looking for the lost child, he sees her approaching from behind him in his rear view mirror only to disappear which scares the shit out of him but certainly doesn’t deter him from abandoning his vehicle and walking miles and miles in a thick fog in the middle of the road.
Eventually this leads Travis to a house fire. He spots some weird broad hanging out by the burning house and runs in because of course he does. And he rescues some kid that’s torched like a marshmallow. Eventually passing out – he awakes in Silent Hill to go search for the french fry kid and madness ensues.
Now, if I may – first off – I am a Daughter Daddy. She is the light of my life. When my wife was pregnant I think I surprised her by crossing my fingers and hoping for a daughter and we were lucky enough to get a bright, beautiful, healthy little lady. I fucking love that kid. BUT – I have watched enough scary movies to know that if I’m out in the middle of no where and some creepy little girl is hanging around – I’M NOT FOLLOWING HER. I DON’T CARE. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Alright, with that out of the way lets cover a couple of things that this game does really nicely. The sound effects and soundtrack are top notch – Silent Hill quality. Like all other SH soundtracks, composed by the master, Akira Yamaoka. The absolute badass Thom Yorke-esque dark genius of video game soundtracks. The sound effects and music are unnerving and uncomfortable – aptly suited for the atmosphere.
I want to recommend this game so much more but it breaks my own personal cardinal sin of gaming: difficulty due to controls. There is nothing I hate more than fighting a game more than the story or gameplay itself.
Controls and saboteur camera angles are what takes this Silent Hill entry out at the knees. The storyline and voice acting isn’t seminal by any stretch of the imagination but it’s not noteworthy poor. The puzzles are weak and there is a lot of backtracking (RE style) – also not a lot of actual area to explore. For an open town the game has you on rails for a good majority of it.
Camera angles that can really get in your head
The game does certain things right but it does so many little things wrong that it begins to become a serious distraction. The small unnecessary changes are enough to anger longtime fans. The nurses now see and react to noise/light/everything – just another static sprite that is easy to avoid but lacks any of their signature creepiness.
You can pick up large heavy objects to toss at monsters – which is cool – but kind of pulls you out of it as you go through your inventory and realize that your character is carrying twelve portable TVs, three filing cabinets, sixteen I.V. drip bag stands and six different guns. I am not a huge fan of Resident Evil’s death-by-no-inventory-space strategy but how many fax machines can one guy hold?
Not to mention you don’t even really need weapons most of the time. The ability to punch your enemies is overpowered for a survival horror game. I have beat up so many nurses in the past week I could star in my own episode of COPS.
Bottom line: Please for the love of all things holy – Konami – if you are going to outsource one of your flagship franchises please let it be to Kojima Productions. I don’t give a shit what beef you guys have. Figure it out and lets do this.
SHOP TIL YOU DROP
Now here is where it gets tricky. To be frank, even the bad games I adore. I just love playing games. I love buying them, I love looking at my horrible collection of bargain bin trash just as much as any rare games I find. Like little trophies made from melted garbage can lids. They’re mine and I absolutely enjoy playing and writing about them.
Generally, on this blog I deal almost exclusively with cheap games. This game? Not very cheap. Luckily for me, I purchased this years ago before everything Silent Hill exploded in price online.
I would never, ever tell anyone what to buy or what not to buy. I wouldn’t even judge anyone for buying Rule of Rose for $16,999. I mean, I would hope you would find it cheaper but whatever at the end of the day it’s your money, you work hard for it, you spend it on whatever you want.
Right now it looks like it’s averaging about $110-120 on eBay.
Is it worth $2300? I’d have to give it a hard, “no.” But I clean pools for a princess that pays me in bad games – so you do you. I would suggest checking out eStarland or Lukie Games over bid sites for collector’s series games like Silent Hill. There are a ton of gougers that will buy everything up just to raise prices even higher upon resell THUS continually driving up market prices for regular gamers like you and I. Dicks.
DESERT ISLAND SONG
The classic that can get anyone in the mood. Even if it’s for Origins:
Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients
Another week on Paradise – which means more pool cleaning, lawn mowing and preparation for coconut tourist season. But this week a different task led me down a dramatically different path than usual.
It all started with orders from the top (as it normally does). However, instead of a bad game frisbeed through my hut window like normal there was just a map of the island, a small note from Princess Pinkie and a pair of Power Bracelets left at the breakfast bar. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in. My guard Dog/Sea Lion, Cookie had spent the night at the reef somewhere off the coast with one of his girlfriends.
“HEAVY. ROCK. LIFT. MOVE. 🦆”
I sipped my coffee and held the note. The morning had started off rare as it was. I woke up in a green tunic. Which I chalked up to a combination of too much to drink the night before and laundry day.
Second, earlier that morning there was a bright large bug that kept yelling, “HEY” at me trying to wake me up. Eventually – completely irritated – I arose and squared up with the bug and boxed it. After punching it out of the air I tossed it’s strange, unconscious faerie body in the garbage can outside and laid back down.
Now there was this note. Rarely did I exchange much correspondence with the palace as is. I’ve always been the self motivated type. Wandering around the island looking for things to fix up. Generally assuming if I’m found busy my employers will almost always be happy. But a personal request – this was different. And the Power Bracelets looked badass. So equipped with my newly found gauntlets and tight-but-comfortable-green-tunic I set off towards the boulder that must be moved.
Upon arrival I saw the large rock that needed moving. There were some strange plants around it. They looked like cartoon bombs 💣 growing out of some weeds. I assumed they must be some sort of land mines left over from the war – Princess Diana did her best to have all land mines removed and eradicated from ex-war-zones but Paradise is a bit out of the way. They must have missed a few.
I, personally am not fucking with a bomb of an undetermined age sticking out of the ground. So I avoided them. Maybe I’ll put some caution tape around the area once I move around them and get this rock out of here. In other words: bomb disposal : outside my pay grade.
So removing the rock itself was extremely anticlimactic. I just lifted it over my head and tossed it. These gauntlets are excellent quality. The startling thing was this strange music I heard from everywhere around me as I lifted the rock. I quickly realized that by moving the rock I had exposed a hole. A seemingly bottomless pit.
Despite everything in my body telling me this was a mistake I decided to jump down the hole anyways because fuck it – why not. And I’m glad I did. I landed softly on a mirrored pad – where I heard a gorgeous harp – the sound of a running fountain and a relaxing, disarming ambience. I, was sure I was in the company of pure good.
As I approached I heard a powerful roar. A voice so beautiful and strong – easily the strength of a choir of people singing from the depths quickly approaching the fountains surface until completely breaking through the still water. A giant faerie? Or a giant god? Or the… unbelievably talented singer songwriter, Chris Cornell??
Chris Cornell emerged from the faerie fountain completely dry and all knowing. It wasn’t until now that I realized one of my favorite singers of all time sort of already had a Jesus look going on for awhile on his own.
His voice soft but firm.
Cornell: Periwinkle – I have been watching you from afar.
Me: Mr. Cornell – Why… I’m .. so… flattered.
Cornell: Of course you are. You have projected me. You wouldn’t pick someone you don’t like to be a faerie God…I mean.. think about it…
– Silence –
Me: Yeah. Yeah I s’pose you’re right.
Cornell: ANYWAYS… let’s see .. where was I – alright… As I was saying. *Clears Throat* Periwinkle – I have watched your self destruction from afar. It’s finally time, son.
Me: It’s time to move on? I can come with you? I have been waiting for thi-
Cornell: No! What’s the matter with you. You’re not going anywhere. It’s time for you to play a good game, finally.
Me: Oh. Well.. yeah, of course…
Cornell: Between back to back terrible titles like City Crisis and Trigger Man your heart meter is so low. Which is why I’m here. To provide comfort to weary travelers. Let me blow the life back into you.
Me: Wait.. wha – … like a ..sexual thing?
Cornell: No. Definitely not a sexual thing.
—- Neither makes eye contact for what seems like forever ——-
Cornell: I was going for like a game cartridge thing. Like when it wouldn’t work –
Me: Yeah, yeah I get it.
Cornell: But, anyways! You have suffered selflessly enough for the coconuts on Paradise. Trudging through horrible games to warn the visitors and retro enthusiasts on Paradise of the perils of bargain bin gaming. What games to avoid. Selflessly diving on grenades to save the masses. It’s time to treat yourself, son.
Me: This means so much… what game can make me love again? Can you, Grammy Award winning multi-instrumentalist, Chris Cornell show a guy like me how to live?
Cornell: Young Periwinkle – I can only steer you in the right direction. I can recharge your hearts and give you one single title to get you back on track. After that your destiny is in your own hands. Before I leave I suggest you take that bottle over there and make sure you bottle a little golden mini me as well. In case you ever find yourself dealing with Trigger Man level of incompetence in the future again.
I heard the flute noise and felt my energy being restored. *Flick flick flick flick* ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Golden Chris Cornell Faerie God also handed me a copy of Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies.
I grabbed the empty bottle and put a tiny Golden Chris Cornell inside it for later use. The floating Cornell smiled at the new lease on my gaming life.
With my arms out stretched over my head a floating bottle with a tiny golden statuette rest in it. You have acquired a Golden Cornell. Let him free to recharge your energy and soul.
Chris Cornell: Now before I go, son. Do you have any questions? About anything in the entire universe?
I thought hard.
Periwinkle: When is the McRib coming back?
Cornell looked extremely disappointed. Shook his head and floated back into the faerie fountain. Apparently it was such a good question he couldn’t even answer it! Or it was really bad. Eh, who cares?
I stood with my arms raised with a copy of Ace Combat 04 floating above my hands. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A COPY OF A PLAYSTATION 2 MASTERPIECE, ACE COMBAT 04: SHATTERED SKIES.
FANCY INTRO VIDEO
Released: November 1 2001
Developed & Published: namco
I have such little experience writing about how much I enjoyed a video game that I am almost completely at a loss. I have messaged Pinkie nearly every day telling her how much I love this game. I have told my wife. I have told my friends. I have told the dog next door. Everyone after day two or so just eventually starts to roll their eyes.
I drove to New York City to profess my love to Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies while standing on the top of a skyscraper but there was already someone doing it. This game is a masterpiece. Beautiful, sad, fun, easy to learn but hard to master. All of the good stuff.
The game itself is about a future world where some asteroids posed a major threat to the planet. Mankind built a gun to shoot the asteroids and it didn’t really work so now we all live on one shitty continent. Naturally because we’re human beings we begin a war over land and resources and the “bad dudes” highjack the massive asteroid gun and you have to stop them. Sounds simple and stupid but it isn’t. The storytelling is so well done, exploring the human condition in times of war.
I’d also go on record and say this game is a top ten ps2 game graphically. Some of the colors, graphics, picture-esque skies and backdrops are still breathtaking to this day. With 2021 eyes that is quite a feat.
It even has a beautiful replay mode that you can exploit and slam your jet into the ocean all cinematic like:
SHOP TIL YOU DROP
I understand that this was a big series back in the day but it passed me by twenty years ago. I have noticed that most of my fellow ps2 collectors are around my age. A lot around mid 30’s. So when these games were out we didn’t necessarily have the money or the time to buy these games on our minimum wage grocery store paychecks.
But here’s where the news gets even better! I picked this bad boy up for $2.99 at a flea market. On eStarland you can find it CiB for $9.
On EBay I’ve been finding it for about $3.99 which is a great deal.
But as usual – there are ridiculous price gougers that deserve to be shamed. Like this fuckface:
I’ll just buy my own jet, thanks.
Regardless – without paying this guy $599 – if you are a collector or just a fan of retro games this game is well, well, worth its budget price tag these days. And if you’re an emulator player – get on it! You don’t have to be a jet or a war enthusiast to enjoy this game. I recommend it so much – I had to create a new cocktail because I refuse to put it on the list with all the other bad games. So here is the good game cocktail ingredient list!
PERIWINKLE’S GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS
1.) One liter of Jet Fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)
If nothing else – if you have skipped this entire article – which is fine – do yourself a favor and listen to this. I needed a harp version of a Soundgarden song to tie in Cornell w/ Zelda. And because the internet rules here we are:
Alright I think that’s it. I’m actually working on another surprisingly good game right now. I’ll see you guys next week. Have more ps2 gems it seems everyone missed out on? Let us know! Comment below or Hit me up on social media (Instagram has been popping lately!) Until next time, Coconuts.
An infuriating mixture of nearly invincible enemies, next to nothing plot and ugly design.
POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE
Cookie and I have been renovating our hut in preparation for a lovely spring and summer – my first on the island. We decided to put the hut on stilts and move it closer to the shore for two reasons: We both enjoy the sounds of summer storms rolling over the ocean and it’s easier for him. You see, as of late Cookie has become quite the ladies man. He likes to bring his Sea Lion girlfriends over to watch movies as he has always really been quite the cinephile. I can’t tell you how many times he’s made me watch Life By A Whisker.
So, like a good roommate I retreat to my small room and put my headphones on. I don’t get very many guests, myself. Once a month the manager might kick open the door and throw my next batch of horrible, bargain bin games inside for me to suffer through. Other than that every full moon Sunny leaves me hand woven baskets with fruits and random bones on our small front porch. I think it’s a gesture of good will but it could also be a grave threat – it’s hard to tell with him.
This month I opened the front door to the see the game box of, “Trigger Man” stuck to my door with a combat knife. And I could just faintly see the Manager running back into the tree line. She’s not as innocent as she’d like you to believe. There are even rumors on the island of construction workers on her new Castle disappearing. But I keep my head down and keep quiet. I’m just here to do a job, sweet island citizens and guests and it begins now. Let us begin this mortal sin of a game!
NEW FANCY VIDEO INTRODUCTION
No.
Publisher: Point of View (They published the amazing NFL Blitz)
Developed by: Crave Entertainment (The creative genius behind, Baby Pals)
Crave Entertainment originally titled this game, “Baby Felons”
Trigger Man makes the impossible possible. It makes being a mobster incredibly lame. The story is so abhorrent that it would have literally been better with no story or context at all. That way the person playing the game could just nonchalantly make up their own plot line.
“What’s this guys deal?”
“Oh. He drank too many Mountain Dews. Now he’s taking everyone down.”
“Ah. Makes sense.”
That story? Those two sentences? More thought out then the entire game. Concept, design, story, all of it.
I read a blog post about eyeliner earlier today that is more badass than this game. The unnamed, idiot, blockhead main character you play as is so boring and uninspired I’ve come across pots of boiling water with more complexities.
The controls are so sad that just ducking is an achievement. Sneaking is impossible although an absolute requirement throughout the game. Cover is nearly impossible during shootouts although that too is paramount to even surviving the constant swarms of respawning enemies.
Speaking of enemies…The only actual badass thing in this entire game? The security guards you have to fight who are basically fucking indestructible. They should play footage of this game at every security guard convention across the country. Sure, they can’t shoot straight and they run directly into your line of fire but they sure are tough.
That is also assuming you can even hit them. If you aim the reticle at the enemies head you will shoot their body. Which takes at least ten shots to kill anyone (Oh, yeah and you can only carry like 30 bullets at a time with any gun so good luck with that). But a headshot grants an instant kill every time. So if you aim the reticle just above the enemies head – you still miss. You just shoot over their heads. It’s extremely difficult to even get a head shot. Skill has barely anything to do with it. It all boils down to luck.
Yeah, good luck idiot.
Which speaking of luck – upon playing this game you will find yourself unlucky A LOT. The missions themselves would honestly take about six minutes each to blow through if you didn’t die 150-200 times per round. It’s UNREAL.
Oh and this god forsaken blog post? Already like two thousand words longer than the game manual. Another sign of how bad the game is. They couldn’t even hire awriter to lie for a minute about how fun and cool the game is in its own instruction manual!
Here’s one last dumb analogy for you. Say video games were sea birds. Why? I don’t know. It’s the first thing that came to mind. Grand Theft Auto 3 (which came out three years before Trigger Man, mind you) was a great game. But far from perfect. Especially with its shooting and aiming controls. It was hard to handle. The lads and ladies at Rockstar had yet to perfect their combat system. So despite its insane fun it could be frustrating to play. Which would take it down from a beautiful majestic sea bird to maybe something cool but a little derpy like a Flamingo.
So if GTA 3 was a cute but derpy flamingo spending its days at an all you can eat Shrimp buffet than Trigger Man is a Sea Gull eating cigarette butts out of a trash can biting little kids that pass by.
Who hasn’t had a date end like this, amiright?
The game is turbo trash. Really can’t put it any other way. It’s literally the worst game I have ever played.
(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL
SHOP TIL YOU DROP
For the collectors out there – you can find this game on pretty much any site for next to nothing. But I must point out this idiot for trying to sell this piece of hot garbage for over $35
Just..stop.
DESERT ISLAND SONGS (Songs inspired by the games)
Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients
Regardless of what you may think, much of the time that you THINK Sunny is just sitting on the beach, holding a fishing pole and gazing at the horizon he is actually THINKING. At least, that’s what he wants you to think.
Sometimes, he’s just thinking – I wonder if I still have any bait on this hook? Or, is that a nibble? He certainly is NOT thinking about putting out every other light at the tiki bar and then hiding the ladder to drive Kuro and Periwinkle crazy. And he knows nothing about that enormous Grouper that was in the pool yesterday.
No, he’s been considering which writers he wants to sing the praises of to answer Periwinkle’s video game writer challenge. Because Sunny can either think of way more than five, or less than two, because he tends towards video games that lack any real story. Mostly. But there are some very notable exceptions, and here they are. Oh, and one writer who is video game adjacent but he really loves this writers work so he’s shoehorning it in here.
For instance, speaking of more than five, there is the cooperative of writers who created Katawa Shoujo all of whom are listed on the link. Katawa Shoujo – which can be downloaded at the same website, is a beautiful, kind, compassionate, understanding and open visual novel about a young man who develops a heart condition, and is transferred to a boarding school that specializes in accommodating young people with disabilities. Of course, he meets a number of beautiful young women each with their own talents and abilities, and oh, a disability as well. Sunny hasn’t dated all of them yet, because he’s fallen madly in love with Lilly Satou and no matter who he sets out to win – he always ends up with Lilly because he can’t resist her.
Npckc is the writer of one night, hot springs, a VN which is also downloadable at the writer/developers website (linked to their name there) or on Steam. It is very short, but very sweet, and very kind. It is focused on Haru, a Japanese transgender woman, who was invited to the hot springs by her old friend Manami to celebrate Manami’s upcoming wedding with all her girl pals. All Haru wants to do is to enjoy being with everyone else, but because she is transgender there are special considerations to be kept in mind. It’s a beautiful story, well written, and thoughtful about situations transgender people deal with every day in every country with grace and forbearance and in this case, with the kind support of her friends.
Choice of Games is a sort of central webhost/developer/sales for a number of people writing text based adventure games. Sunny is super hooked on these games and has played a few of them over and over and over. A special treat has been Night Road, a game written in the Vampire the Masquerade world and even though they haven’t yet added his favorite Malkavian clan for it, he’s sure they’ll get around to it. The writer is Kyle Marquis. He does a fantastic job of holding onto that noir dystopian feeling while still providing plenty of adventure and choice. You can purchase it through Google Play or on Steam along with all later updates adding various clans. You can find out more about them here.
Evan J. Peterson wrote Drag Star! For Choice of Games and it can be found on Google play and probably other places. It’s a quick, fun romp at being a contestant on a game show verrrrrrrry similar to RuPaul’s Drag Race. You can be campy, comedic, avant garde’, or classy or any combination. Be catty and mean or sweet and peace making (Sunny, of course, is always a sweet peace maker – as far as you need to know). This is a short game, but don’t worry, you’ll probably play it more than once. Kudos to the writer for capturing the fun and flair of drag stars! Mr. Peterson has his own website here and does quite a bit of writing in many forms!
Sunny likes fun and humor in his text based games – and Fox Spirit: A Two Tailed Adventure serves plenty of both, with a little dose of Japanese style fairy tale and fantasy setting. Amy Clare Fontaine is the writer and she spins a story you won’t soon forget – and you’ll want to see all the endings. She also writes articles and books, her website is here.
Now for that video adjacent writer – D.Rus writes the Play to LIve series on the Kindle. It is finished, with seven volumes. If you watch Isekai anime, you are familiar with the set-up here. However, the background story is very well thought out science fiction, going into how people end up “perma” in games and the reaction of the world’s governments. Unlike many Isekai, in this series becoming “perma” – that is stuck in a game for good, is often done very much on purpose to escape from some situation in life – like immanent death from a brain tumor. Some governments figure out this is a great way to empty the jails… This story is from a Russian point of view which adds another layer of interest. The game story is also well thought out and thoughtful – not just an overpowered hero hacking and slashing his way to fame and glory. Max (the protagonist) takes quite a different route from Necromancer, to a follower of the Fallen One (an abandoned AI that remained in the game past the developers “removal” of it) and he makes his fortune with a clever use of alchemy to invent something sadly missing in game – cigarettes! It’s fun but also very profound at times. You can find D.Russ author page on Amazon here.
Now, we can get back to fishing and petting sea monsters.
Generally this is where I write a little segment about my life on the resort. How despite the fact I am relegated to bashing rats with hammers, clearing out asbestos from around the basement pipes and cleaning up the sidewalks after the tourists have had too much to drink it’s still pretty close to paradise. Somewhere in Southeast Asia the weather is beautiful and the food is even better. But this introduction is different because this City Crisis game – if that’s what you would call it – this “game” is as far from paradise as heaven is wide.
If you hate someone. Stop what you’re doing and search “City Crisis PS2” on Amazon. Then – buy one of the BILLIONS of copies available and send it to your enemies’ address. Upon arrival they may think it was an accident or maybe even a gift. Surely if they do make the mistake of playing the game it’ll be one of the last things they ever do. After an hour or so of gameplay they’ll be sure to leap from their high rise apartment window. Or maybe just start hitting their head against a wall until eventually they’ve lost so much blood it all fades to black.
It’s impossible to tell how many copies of City Crisis were actually unleashed on the public but thankfully not enough to actually create a real city crisis. I can only imagine that if hundreds of thousands of people raced to the store to buy this game the day it came out there would have been deadly riots in the streets only hours later.
Even if I have been told by reliable sources that Germans absolutely love helicopter and farming games. My father in-law is off the boat German and has never mentioned his love for either. But certainly if he loves this game than he is ashamed and would never want to show such poor judgement to his son-in-law. Any fans of City Crisis are surely too ashamed to come forward. As they should be.
Developed by Syscom Entertainment which has disappeared off the face of the Earth (probably due to overwhelming shame) and published by giants Take-Two Interactive.
The game was released on July 17th 2001. Meaning it also shares a birthday with someone inexplicably popular in Germany as well. Yes, you immediately know who I’m about to drag into this. The Hoff was born on July 17th. He single handily tore down the Berlin Wall brick by brick with songs of rescuing babes from maritime disaster and personally woo-ed the Soviets back into loving a capitalist system (kind of). That’s what they teach American school children at least!
But like every good balance in the universe – if David Hasselhoff is pure good born on July 17th then sack of shit Gavin McInnes is the flip side of the coin. If you don’t know who he is then you’re better off.
But where were we? Ah yes, back to City Crisis. You are immediately thrust into the cockpit of a helicopter named after incredibly lame animals to name a helicopter after.
Helicopters are named: Dolphin, Lobster and Goldfish.
“Sir! The skyscraper you’re in is burning! We’ve come to save you!!”
“Oh, thank God for you, heroes! Thank you so much!”
(*Begins to notice that the rescue helicopter is named LOBSTER and has the animal painted on the Helicopter tail*)
“Ya know what? It’s fine. I’m good! Go rescue someone else. I’ll just jump”
Not to mention there is something seriously wrong in this game world and the constant burning buildings is not nearly as big as an issue that needs to be addressed compared to whatever fictional country they have pissed off. In one flying/rescue segment it’s not unusual for seven to eight different buildings to just randomly explode on opposite ends of the city within a few minutes of one another. Are we at war? Is this The Blitz? Faulty gas lines? What the fuck is actually going on around here?
Or is it that the graphics of this fictional city are just so poor the citizens themselves have just had enough and are destroying their own city in a desperate cry for help? We may never know. But the Helicopter Rescue Budget for the city has to be through the roof. I’m not sure how they could afford much else.
Speaking of affording things you can find this game for like $2.50 on eBay. And some asshole is even trying to sell it for $71.00. Don’t pay either of those prices. Just don’t buy this game, sweet Germans. You deserve better helicopter games.
Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients
Hello Little Lights! In real life I am quite content with my new place in my real life. Yet virtual me has much more of a struggle! I am not made for a tiny little hut! I need an Estate to keep all my things! Not one of those villa mansions either.. I want something special! Something that screams.. someone who is more than just a manager lives here!
So I hired a realtor as we checked out some fairly iconic real estate.. You know I’d probably alter it just a bit so it is safe for me to use.. but you know a girl has to have inspiration. Anyway I found this Realtor named Phil.. he kind of is a geek! Met him in some virtual game.. and today we are looking at some of the most iconic Real Estate in video games.
Dracula’s Castle (Castlevania)
Dracula’s Castle
Phil : So this is the first place I would like you to see, it’s a classical gothic structure, stemming from 1094, and belonged to a guy named Mathias Cronqvist, a powerful alchemist that lived up until the end of the 1990’s. It has about 200 rooms and can travel dimensions and locations, as it has shown up in Europe, Transylvania but also Japan as well. It is also known to change shape and sizes to fit wherever and whenever it is needed. I will be honest, the original owner has passed away in the castle.. as I am legally obligated to tell you this… in fact he has been murdered in his castle by a blonde man with long hair and a whip… and the palace might be a bit of a fixer upper.. but I think it can provide you years of happiness
Mathias Cronqvist
Pinkie: Phil this is Dracula’s castle from Castlevania isn’t it?! Why do you use to name Mathias Cronqvist, now I have to explain to my readers that in Castlevania lore, Dracula is not an alter ego of Vlad Tepes, but of an alchemist who made himself immortal through his science and all that stuff. Besides I am not sure this place is for me. It looks quite gloomy. I might become more than a manager soon, but I am pretty sure I won’t be turning evil or a vampire! If anything I am trying to become less nocturnal and Rainbows can’t be out in the dark.
Phil: Well it has a library, it has a dinner room, it has a piano room and even it’s own swimming pool! You made a big deal out of wanting your own swimming pool which I don’t really get because don’t you have some amazing pools in Paradise?! I guess this palace is a bit of a fixer upper, you might need to fix some staircases fixed but that should not be to hard! It comes pretty cheap ever since the creators wanted to fix more on pachinko machines, the castle has been neglected a bit so you can pick it up without overspending.
Pinkie: Sure Phil, then tell me how we get from the main hall to the dining room. If you can explain it to me in less than a paragraph I will consider buying this place.
Symphony of the Night Castle map
Phil: I think that’s a bit unfair.. it is easy enough! All you need to do is gather a red orb from the music room, then kneel at a pond , a staircase that leads your underwater will be revealed. You need to follow the tunnel and then choose the third mirror on the second floor from of the study and enter it and it will take you straight to the drawbridge that if it is open will take you to the dining room, If not you might need to take a little detour by getting a grappling hook..to move onto a higher platform.. but we can just build a staircase there to work around that.
Pinkie: I think you know why I am passing on this. I don’t want to need Nintendo Power to find my bedroom each night.. let’s go look at the next lot.. but before we go.. I really need to pee, could I use the bathroom here?!
Phil:Sure all you need to do is walk up the half broken stairs, take a little leap of faith down from the overpass, defeat the giant bat in the pantry so it drops a key that lets you access the west wing. Follow that to the end by jumping a few gaps and dodging some medusa heads and it will lead you right to the clock tower the bathroom is at the top.. it really is nice for the drainage.. you never have any smell or annoying kids throwing fireworks in the sewer to make your toilet spill.
Hyrule Castle (Legend of Zelda Series)
Hyrule Castle 64
Phil: Okay.. I am sorry you died twice while trying to get to the bathroom, that was my fault.. This palace is actually owned by a titular character. It follows a more classic structure and has plenty of space. A princess much like … Oh right… A Smash Brothers character I guess, lived here and many of her incarnations have found happiness in this castle. Her father has been murdered in it only once .. so it already has way less deaths to it than most other castles we will visit. It already has been restored properly for the potential of Breath of the Wild 2.. and it has only gotten larger over time.
Pinkie: This is actually quite nice Phil.. but there seems to be a very thick wallpaper on the walls, I don’t really like it. .can I paint over that?! It seems like it might go a bit soggy if I do.
Phil:Don’t worry you can paint over it.. the thick wall paper has been in place because the castle got devastated and converted to a fortress of evil for a bit.. during the era of the hero of time. You know six magical seals were placed. spirits of some sages were imprisoned.. it all resulted in a bit of an edgy architecture, the rightful owner restored it to its previous condition.
Pinkie: Ah I see.. how unfortunate for the rightful owner! I would not like it if someone came and took my castle and made it into a dark fortress! So what’s that greenish looking residue on the ceiling, it kind of looks like mold!
Submerged Hyrule Castle
Phil:It’s dried in Algae actually, you see a couple of years later the country of Hyrule got completely flooded and the castle became completely submerged for many years! The princess became a pirate and all that unless a new hero could be found.. but after the evil was defeated it dried right up! You might find a few pin bones here and there..but nothing a good round with a vacuum cleaner can’t fix up.
Pinkie: Okay.. but is it still a flooding hazard now? I mean I am Dutch so we know how to make dry land…but that sounds awfully costly! I also notice a lot of plaster work has been renewed and the cellar has a do not enter sign? Why is that then?
Strike on Hyrule Castle
Phil: Well fairly recently the entire castle was destroyed because the evil forces took over four fire giant animal mecha’s and layed the castle in ashes. The hero of the wild took control of them back.. but not before the evil created all sorts of spider cyclops.. it really hurt the drywall. The evil was defeated by the giant animal mechas firing a combined beams at him… but unfortunately the wine cellar now is just a crater. You know.. this castle does end up getting cursed or destroyed a lot.. given how unlucky you can be this might not be the purchase for you… I might be able to sell it to Pepper though.
Pinkie: Who is Pepper? Why would you sell him this thing? This is a timebomb! It gets destroyed like every other generation?! And why do all the shadowy corners of the castle have this dog pee scent to them?!
Dr Wily’s Castle (Mega Man)
Classicc Wiley’s Castle
Pinkie: Phil are you really trying to sell me Dr Wily’s castle?! I mean the music here is SOOOO good that I would almost consider it ..but this is an architectural nightmare. I know my taste in things can be a bit garish at times.. but this is pushing it. Maybe Indigo and Kuro would like it but why would I like a building that has a huge satellite dish, a giant skull and some ribs.. a rocket.. that in the original design actually is more like a bullet.. and some silo’s that look like they belong on a farm?! I want a brick castle not a steel one! That is super cold and I am a fairy type! Steel is super effective against me! So no I can already tell I will pass on this one.
Phil: Yeah I guess this one might not be for you, you are going for a more classical vibe right? You know as Realtor I am obligated to at least show you a different style. But if you look for a princess castle we will look for something traditional. Sorry about that sometimes I can make this mistake as I come from such a Modern Family.
Pinkie: Okay.. I wrote that joke.. and I might not get any emmy’s for it .. but for the sake of this post i’ll say, You are a funny man Phil!
Phil: Thank you, it’s actually a fact that if you look up the word funny inside an encyclopedia you see my face! I am very proud of it! And sorry for wasting your time! But hey isn’t it cool to see this in real imaginary life?!
Wiley’s Gear Castle
Ted: Actually that word is pronounced encyclopeahdia! I do agree with Pinkie though this place is an architectural nightmare.. besides it garish looks those eyes in the skull will give very big problems with heat regulation, the use of such varying materials such as bone, steel , brick and red plastic will also make sure that your house expands in various degrees when it is heated up by sunshine which would cause significant structural damage over time. The palace also has a lot of self destruct buttons which is trouble when you run with a cast as wild as Pinkie’s.
Pinkie: Who invited you here?! You know what.. you can stay.. lots of these palaces have been needing changes , you might be useful. Besides.. now I got two sitcom characters and WandaVision is super popular right now.. I might be able to bank on their success by doing this weird cross over thingamajig myself.
Ted: Cool, while we go to the next lot , how about I tell you the story of how I met the mother of my children?!
Phil & Pinkie: NO!!!!!
Princess Peach Castle (The Mario Series)
The Castle of Castles
Phil: So you seem to like Nintendo so I figured let’s try this one as well, this one might be a bit pricey to get but it needs the least work. It is in functioning order.. and it also doubles as a dimensional hubworld , you can hang up a painting of Scott and jump straight through his blog by jumping through a painting. I love Scott! he talks about such great tech! There is room for a lot of those rooms.. and the castle is pretty much cleaned of all other furniture so you can move right in! The times of the princess being kidnapped is mostly over now, she recently plays a more active role in adventures so she is looking to move into a bit of a smaller place. With a bigger kitchen so she can make more cakes! Also perhaps a bit of added security! So yes you might need a few tech upgrades here and there but over all I think this could be the perfect castle for you!
Pinkie: You actually might be right Phil, I really like this one.. though I really need to do something about that stained glass Window that is shaped like Princess Peach! I mean I don’t like the coconuts of the island to start worshipping the wrong person! I know I am getting some design changes soon.. so I might not look her a lot.. unsure do you think we can change that window Ted?
The Skylight
Ted: That may proof a bit trickier than you think you see that skylight opens up a dimensional portal to the sky domain if light shines trough it.. if we wear it down at the wrong time of day…or take to long we may actually rip a fabric in the space time continuum which could have disastrous results.. We may even be dragged straight to hell as depicted by the Poët Dante who’s famous work Inferno has become the blueprint of ultimate dystopia as we know it! If I were to quote him in the original Italian it would go a little something like this….
Pinkie: Shut up Ted!
I really wanted to use this
Frederik:Oh Hai everyone.. I see you chose a second grade realtor.. while actually I am the one that should have been listed, so I just came to tell you all that and maybe start a bit of a fight with Phil.. as it will be good for the ratings! I know what you are going to see, Frederic you work in New York and the Mushroom Kingdom is not in there.. but if you have ever seen the Super Mario Bros movie.. you know the Mushroom Kingdom is actually set beneath Brooklyn.. so this is my turf! How dare you take on other Realtors.
Pinkie: Go away Frederik I doubt any of my readers will know who you are! I wanted to use a Realtor for this post most people know and I first selected Kirstie and Allan from House Hunters UK .. but I opted out of that as well.. so you can go away too! Don’t you dare bring Josh Altman into this either.. these castles are not Million Dollar listings.. we pay fictional money here not real!
Frederic: Oh.. why did you not say that from the beginning anyway.. not interested then.. see you later alligator! I must say I love Paradise though! Can I grab a cocktail?!Maybe some of the delicious food as well?
Pinkie: Yeah yeah go ahead.. I am am busy! Phil… I love this place. It’s so cute and girly and it has a nice garden . how much would I need to offer to get this.. and could you please send these toads away?! It might be kind of unprofessional to let them hear how excited I am about this! They may make sure Peach gives a higher counter offer.
Phil:Oh no you don’t need to worry about these Toads Pinkie, they won’t spy for Peach, they come with the castle
Pinkie: …….. I’m Out!
A Minecraft Palace
Ted: Pinkie, is your existence not based around that of the V-Tuber and do you not seek to return to YouTube once your health Issues pick up?!
Pinkie: That is true .. why?!
Ted: One word: Minecraft
Pinkie: Building my own castle?! That seems like a lot of effort.
Ted: For Realz And hey the effort could be video content!
Pinkie: I don’t want to spend two months building a palace and I bump my head all the time! If everything has blocky edges I’d hurt myself a lot! Plus I ‘d have to use a lot of cheats.. unless we find like a very little version of Steve that can just build a huge palace that it seems round it might not be a very good idea.
Ted: Look what I found though it is a tropical Sandstone palace made in Minecraft set on a tropical island! It has a lot of space, and you can completely customise your house! It could be a fun thing to do with some members or Staff as well. You know build Paradise Island in Minecraft! There. Sandstone will keep you cool on hot days but also holds some heat in winter so it is a good way to build a home, it beats making a house of wool blocks and then getting a fire don’t you think!
Pinkie: Wow that’s a pretty palace I’d like to make something like that.. but let’s be honest I do not really have the patience for that. Could we not just imagine this is kind of like my palace?! Just a lot of pinker?! Also who told you about my wool castle?! It still hurts! It was so fluffy! Then it was all gone! Let’s pass on Minecraft for now and wait untill I have enough followers to help me build such a thing!
Stormwind Keep (World of Warcraft)
Stormwind Keep
Phil: Okay this one might be a bit bland for your taste, but it is highly customisable.. It’s built out of mostly white bricks, and has held kings of Stormwind for many generations. It’s also set in a world where cities and castles can fly.. so getting it to Paradise should not be too hard. It comes with a courtyard, throne room and has several rooms that can easily be adapted to suit all your needs, it even has a bit of a protective wall, to keep the simps out! It hasn’t been destroyed as much. Lot’s of rooms and no Toads. It doesn’t come with any staff as most people prefer to be stuck to a Stormwind of the past. There is a lot of time shenanigans with a gnome, it somehow exists in several realms and some of them are pretty dead and we might be able to snipe one of these during a server merge or a Timeweaver event or whatever they are called.
Pinkie: Hmm I don’t dislike Stormwind keep! It does look nice without looking braggy! Those Lionheads can be replaced I assume?! How about the blue roofs can we make them pink Ted?!
Ted: I got into a lot of troubles due to Lionheads so I will happily take this one down .. Stormwind itself has coloured roofs for all districts, the mage district has purple shingles if we sun bleach them those will appear Pink.. .. Would you like to change the Lionhead into an effigy of yourself?
We need prettier decorartions
Pinkie: Eeew No! But yeah the Lionhead is a pretty tacky icon.. like .. oh we are a human organisation in a fantasy setting.. lets use blue banners and golden Lions.. .for some reason that is really unoriginal. It is a bit of a bland generic and the castle has that around it as well but.. to be honest it is filled with a lot of characters that are spoofs of other things, so it does really fit! Let’s make an offer! So how much do you think we should offer Phil?!
Phil: Oh don’t worry all we have to do is tweet that Diablo II Remastered will NOT have HD cutscenes.. that should shut down a server or two! It will be cheap! Oh and have you heard about the new subscription plan?! This place will be a steal!
Pinkie: Ahhh Cancel Culture at it’s finest! Now we should go on a hunt for some nice things to customise my new place! Thanks Phil.. Thanks Ted! And thanks to the reader who put up with this entire post! I hope you all shine on little lights! Oyasumi! Oh and if you want to help me in the accessory hunt.. you might want to consider supporting my Kofi!
Pinkie's Paradise 