Welcome again my dear island guests. Pinkie’s Paradise does not only have the sweetest coconuts, most delicious cocktails and best staff you get in a resort! We also really like our gadgets. Well at least me the manager does! The Japanese culture is something a lot of us people here love and strange gadgets are a part of that “Japanese” Lifestyle! Since I love randomness so much I decided to create a series in which I solve every day trouble.. with odd Japanese gadgets. Since last week I talked about my inability to flirt.. I decided this week to start off with gadgets to help me….and you guys.. date a Japanese girl.
This post will feature some YouTube Video’s so reading this post on my actual website is advised
Getting Ready for Your Date
All these gadgets came from the same website! Japan Trend Store! The first step towards a successful date comes with preparation of course. You want to look nice for your date. If you are a bit like me though.. you HATE ironing! It is so awful. I go out of my way to avoid having to iron and for the measly price of €206 euros or $243 respectively I can look pristine without having to iron again! All I need is a Laundry Dryer and Wrinkle Remover. Just place an airbag over the steaming device, put your blouse or pants on the air bag and bam! Within “minutes” you have a dry outfit.. and if you look at how it bloats around the bag a lot more body confidence as well.
A blouse or a gentleman’s shirt will only take about 30 minutes to dry and it can even blow dry denim jeans within 100 minutes! If you have a dryer though you can even use cold air and do it even faster. And look how amazingly fun it looks! It’s like you have a bloated friend over! I would definitely build a head for it! Imagine your mother coming over and she sees two legs sticking up from behind your couch! This can be used for dating AND pranking! If you use cold air, you get a perfectly huggable buddy if the date doesn’t go well either.. and based on the comments I got on my flirting post we all should very much consider that option.
Now we are all geeks here so I would assume like me, the prospect of dating terrifies you all and causes immense stress. Stress that can manifest physically! When I get stressed I turn into a wooden board or even a brick! Muscles cramp together and I look like one of tangled up marionettes. Not very attractive to my date to say the least. I know Japanese people are a bit more tense.. but that does mean I won’t be able to get a relaxing massage after! So I should massage myself before and I have found the perfect one! A quadruped chicken! It’s name is Rilacocco! You can relax those tensed up muscles by letting it waddle on your skin!
Setting you back €96 euros or $114 dollars this is not a cheap massager, or from the looks of it a particularly good one! Maybe if they are really finely built but I doubt this counts as a deep tissue massage. It looks Kawaii as heck though so you can even bring it to your date and show it off! With stickers you can customise it’s looks! What kind of eyes do you want it to have? It is yours to choose! You can even have a great conversation on why you customize Rilacocco the way you did! She is a Japanese girl after all.. I mean these things might not work AS well on a Western Girl.. or in actual real life… but for fictional Japanese girls.. it’s perfect! You can compare your massagers! She might even have a Rilapiyo the Duck variant, which is cheaper and comes in pink and instead of wiggling it beams heat into you… okay.. I gotta steal my date’s massager now!
Now one thing you need to do before you go on a date is the Sniff test! You know! Sniff your armpits and see if it’s passable! Yet what if you are scent blind to your own smells?! That could easily ruin a date! You could ask a friend but we are all geeks so chances are we got those in short supply! Let alone that they would like to smell our armpits and are available on the day of a date! Plus they are our friends! Those who’d do that for us would probably have been our friends for years so maybe they are also scent-blind.
Luckily one again there is a gadget that now can tell us how stinky we objectively are! Introducing the Konica Minolta Kunkun Body Odor Checker. A device that analyses your scent and rates your body scent on a scale from 0 to 100%. Now I am not sure if 0% means that you are 0% clean and you stink like that villian from Dragon Ball or 0% noticeable so that could be awkward but we can experiment. Like I wash and sterilize and then measure it and if it’s closer to 0% I wash and sterilize till we reach that or if it’s closer to 100% we wash and sterilize till we reach the big score!
I am not sure if it detects perfume so best not perfume before I use it! Then during our date check a few times and if needed visit the bathroom to clean my pits! So this device seems kinda pointless at first when you think that a normal human would regularly shower and clean their pits and stuff.. but apparently in Japan , body scent shaming is a very big thing!
Nothing kills romance harder than your date calling you Nioi or Stinkui. Well her being a psychopath murderer maybe.. but I would be kinda into that to be honest. Her calling me Stinkui.. instead of Pinkui would crush my soul! This gadget comes with a price tag of €487 or $576 dollars which is a rather soul crushing price to find out if you stink or not..and I still prefer the sniff test.. but this is objective! Maybe she carries one with her herself and if the reads are too high she will dump you and leave you with the bill of that cute Izakaya you visited. The thing sends data to your smartphone from which you can read stinkiness so you can also hide this device in the bathroom and use the app to make a documented list of who takes the stinkiest number 2. Or if you hate baths you can say! Mom! I don’t wanna take a bath. I am only at 12% stinkiness!. This device is worth its weight in deodorant.
Going on the actual first date!
So now you might be wondering! Pinkie .. did you make her a Japanese girl just so she can counter every argument not to buy these silly gadgets.. to which I say… mostly yes! But it is also so I could promote a very special gadget. You see the Japanese people have many skills. Most of them involve writing amazing 2d characters or deciding who in the world is gay and what not trough the art of Yaoi and Yuri art. They are also very good with using dead fish in creative ways, like making it go across little conveyor belts in the most colourful forms! Also making it very delicious! Yet they aren’t very good at speaking english! Luckily they are good at making gadgets so they made a device that seems like something out of Star Trek. The Startalk Voice Translator Hatsune Miku! A Translator that can translate 53 voices using an interface of 9 languages. So English is properly required to operate the device.. but it can help you understand your date.
What is even better is that the device is equipped with the voice of the adorable vocaloid. So if your Japanese Date whispers sweet nothings in your ear as the date progresses Miku will electronically repeat them understandably! So if you ever wanted to hear Miku say.. I think you are very handsome/pretty, this is your best chance! Plus your date can hear your compliments in the voice of Miku too! If you ever have seen a concert of her in Japan we know Japanese folks LOVE her! So if she on a subconscious level ties you to the idol you are golden! Even if your date doesn’t go well you can always talk to Miku.. she will just repeat after you but you can make her speak another language so you can just pretend it is something else! Let just hope Miku never tells you your date thinks you are stinky, but since this gadget will run you about €382 or $452 you might have to cut down on a certain scent detector.
Now if you are like me you will be pretty nervous during your date. Miku might translate things with a bit of a stutter! However, nerves means sweating! Even though we can detect our scents to wash all the grime away.. and new sweat doesn’t stink.. only old sweat does.. you still can see stains on your coloured clothes. I like wearing brighter colours so sweat stains kind of stand out! For a date I would also usually wear something fancy.. which usually means it’s a lot hotter. I will never wear a short sleeve to a date so I either have to wear a vest or a long sleeve dress. Make up will also make me hotter hopefully also in the figurative sense.. but also in the literal sense.. so bodyheat is a thing that quickly goes out of control! Most Japanese cooling gadgets do not look very sexy! I will discuss more of them in a future post but today I will discuss something you can wear under a dinner jacket or a nice pretty vest. It’s the Surei Water Cooling Vest Lite!
This vest can move water around it’s lining with temperatures as cold as -10 degrees celsius. Which is like 14 degrees Fahrenheit! Which means I definitely won’t sweat. It might even make you shiver with cold so she is forced to give you a warming hug! It won’t help because -10 is being created underneath the hug but hey you gotta take your victories. Also since it is so cold you can’t really put it on your skin as that won’t end well.. but this is invented for people that want to wear a jacket.. but don’t want the heat the jacket provides. That kinda seems like a bit of an jackass thing to do..to wear a jacket just for the looks but wanting to negate the heat and it definitely will come to haunt you in the ass if it is a date that ends in the bedroom.. because.. a cooling pack is not sexy.. but for date number 1..it will keep your pits clean! Plus and this is a big one.. it can be worn inside a Hazmat suit.. let’s face it it is 2020 after all. For just $376 euro’s or €318 if a blonde man doesn’t destroy your currency value you can have this sweet vest. With icy temperatures us girls can even use it to perk up a little!
Securing a future!
Now one successful date is not enough to get a Japanese girlfriend! I think at least.. There are bars where us Gaijn can go to pick up ladies looking for some western meals but let’s be honest we all want love and not lust right?! *Pm me for the bar name I can help you out if you don’t* So.. how do we make our date our girlfriend. Well I was born in the 80’s. Back then and in the early 90’s the way to secure a date is to give her a romantic mixtape!
However providing her with a YouTube playlist isn’t exactly the same. Since we want to go retro all the way and you want her to have some cute song quality.. why go for a mixtape when we can upgrade it to Vinyl! Presenting the Gakken Otona no Kagaku Toy Record Maker! A toy that allows you to make an actual record for your lady love using recordings you have on your smartphone! This means you can just put your favourite love songs on there.. but you can also sing a song yourself and put it on a record! So if you always wanted to be printed on Vinyl while not having a girlfriend I guess you can do that as well you narcissist meany! For just €168 euros or $198 dollars you can blow the mix tape people out of the water and give your love a record album of your love!
Skipping ahead a few months you are now in a relationship but of course your visa has expired so you had to go home for three months. Things are still good as she still has that record with your voice on it! Everytime she listens to Hatsune Miku she thinks of you too! So everytime she listens to either she calls you up on Zoom! How sweet! But also really annoying because that is the time you would go out drinking with your friends..or play a western game. Yet you can not blow your girlfriend off! You need a ruse to talk to her for a bit.. then go do your thing without doing the I love you more thing.. No I love you more! Yuck! So you just say your internet is very bad and you buy the Loading Circle Online Meeting Escape Machine! It costs $75 which is just €63 and while chatting with her you freeze up and pop the button on this machine then pause your camera.. and she will be none the wiser. You can then send her a text on discord or whatsapp saying my phone just crashed.. I am going to bed. I am sorry Uwu! I wuv you! Then you go out with your friends, have fun and your relationship will not suffer for it either!
The final gadget can be for yourself if you are a girl or for her if you happen to be a guy! It is the Ravijour Love Tester Bra. Three months have passed and you can move back into Japan..and it is time t o wrinkle the sheets. Yet being a geek we are all devoid of the knowledge of opening bras. Nothing is as unsexy as you wanting to get things on and you are yanking on a bra of your significant other trying to get it off. Most of us will lack experience in that department.. so instead of letting her undo it herself.. you gift her this electronically locked Bra that is controlled with an app! She can undo it herself with the app but if you can get her heartrate up enough within a certain interval for a little while.. the app will make the bra pop off itself. The sad thing is though.. as for right now this thing isn’t really for sale! It was a promotional thing in 2014 aimed at offering protection to intoxicated women who could easily be sweet-talked into doing something they don’t want! Yet for us geeks it could also be a sexy toy that lets us avoid our kryptonite so I say bring this back!
Don’t worry! I have no Japanese girlfriend yet.. I first need to gather upwards of 1757 euro to go on a date in Japan and that is excluding the ticket, and of course the actual date. So you got time! Until then I hope I made dating a bit easier for you people! Now you can find your Japanese Angel! If you want to find these gadgets for yourself go to Japan Trend Shop! I am not sponsored but I love this website and will make more of these posts in the future! So maybe one day.. they sponsor me.. and I could actually GO on that tech date! Of course you can help as well by supporting my Kofi!