Tag: ps2

Periwinkle: Legend of the Purple Plunderer or something like that.

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

My eyes shot open.

I hear gravel cracking under tires outside my hut. I look at my alarm clock. Three thirty in the morning. I see the red glow of brake lights through my window shades. I hear a car door open up.

*Quack Quack* *Quack Quack*

I know whose Jeep this is. Only one person on this island drives a custom Duck Jeep. Complete with matching Duck Quacks as a keys-still-in-the-ignition-alarm.

I hear another door slam. Then palmate up the drive. I dress quickly. What could it be this late at night? Was it something I had done? Something I had said?

*Knock Knock* Two raps at the door.

Cookie sighs, rolling over on the couch trying to catch some ZzZz’s. Some Gaurd Seal he is.

I open the door somewhat guessing what this late night meeting could be about.

“Princess?

Princess Pinkie hands me a shovel and strolls back to the jeep. I examine the shovel and she turns around at the Duck Jeep. “Well? Are you ready?”

Not soon after we’re driving through the sandy roads of Paradise in the dead of night. We pass by occasional bonfires and coconuts enjoying their night. I, blink twice as I see Sunny hanging upside down from a tree. I, shake my head. I have to lay off the drink.

“So if this is about..” I start

“It’s not about anything. Granted you haven’t been showing up for your duties but Paradise is accommodating. The only reason I’m calling upon you now is because I may have found something that would interest you.”

With my interest peaked I gaze over towards the driver side as Princess Pinkie holds up what looks like a dirty old map. She keeps her eyes on the road ahead as I take the map from her hands.

“What is it?”

“I think it’s a treasure map.”

“Here? Treasure? On the island??”

“If that map is true. We should be approaching the spot soon” As we pull up to a secluded beach across the island. The sun not yet risen painting the sky a lighter shade of blue. We exit the vehicle and see that there is already a red “X” painted on the sand. We look at one another and shrug. I throw the shovel into the sand and only have to scoop one shovelful of sand up to uncover what lies beneath. It is a copy of the PlayStation 2 game, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer…

We both look at it on the ground. “Do you think that’s it?” I ask. Pinkie seems just as disappointed. “I mean.. shit. I don’t know.”

“I’ll try digging a little further”

“Yeah do that” she says as I scoop Pirates out of the way and continue digging.

The nine o’ clock sun is beating down on both of us collapsed on the beach. Hours of digging. No dice. The treasure is unfortunately the PlayStation 2 game, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer. Defeated we both rise and walk over to the Jeep. Arriving at my hut only a short time later Pinkie tosses the game on the seat after I get out.

“Maybe you were meant to play this game.”

Looking down at it. “Yeah…sure.”

I close the door.

So this game arguably has the longest trailer I have ever seen. Especially considering the average completion time on Howlongtobeat.com is around four hours. Which four hours really doesn’t seem like a long period of time. It’s only 1/6th of a day. 1/2 of a good night’s sleep (does anyone ever get a full eight?) no, four hours doesn’t seem long at all.

BUT THIS FOUR HOURS IS A VERY LONG TIME

So.. arguably part of this is my fault but mostly it’s not. Let me explain.

Back some time ago in my early 20’s I used to work at a Gas Station/Pizzeria type place. I don’t know how most of Europe works but I’m pretty sure you guys have the same idea – in Dublin I ate at some Irish McDonald’s knock off that was way better at a Petrol station. So people liked the pizza at this place and every summer – it was right down the road from where they held the county fair.

Now this county fair is a big deal. Every year. People really dig it and every year it’d usually be the same touring carnival staff that really dug our food. So working there while the fair was operating afforded you the chance to meet a lot of colorful personalities. But there was one particular person I’ll never forget because there was a part of me that envied him. I think.

This was at the height of the Pirates of the Caribbean craze and there was a man that would adorn himself in full Jack Sparrow attire and make up and well… he was quite a hit. Twenty year old me would watch as people surrounded him for photos as I pushed out pizza dough or made subs. Watching quietly from afar thinking things like:

“Wow… that guy probably gets a lot of tail.”

And

“Pirates of the Caribbean was the best thing that’s ever happened to this dude.”

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Well… it does sort of help explain my misconceptions of pirates and piracy in general. I, a relatively unpopular and lowly pizza boy saw this Johnny Depp look-a-like crushing it. And I should add a fun loving and mischievous, Jack Sparrow cosplayer that was melting the hearts of moms the world over while everyone else swooned.

As I sat there changing our fryer baskets I glared at the local star. As people gathered around I thought to myself:

“Probably never sailed a day in your life, you fraud!”

But neither had I AND there is absolutely no sailing going on in the deceptively titled, Pirates: Legend of the Black Buccaneer.

In fact, if you missed the five minute video at the beginning of the game you probably would have no clue this is a game based on pirates at all. There is no sailing, or drinking rum or singing songs. All you do is shoot monkeys in the face and fall to your death.

The story’s premise is sort of cool, if not a bit confusing. During the height of the slave trade – there was a slave ship on its way to a Spanish Outpost that found itself ravaged in the storms of the Bermuda Triangle. Where as legend will have it the legendary slave, La Borgne commanded a slave army that waged war on the nearby Spanish Outpost. They destroyed all that was in their way because well.. they were understandably pissed off. The Outpost was deserted and in nautical lore the island was considered cursed and dangerous but also of course, a terminal for lost treasures and riches beyond your wildest dreams.

At last, hearing nothing from the outpost for quite a while the Spanish Crown sends its most decorated captain out to learn the fate of the doomed ship. The revered explorer, Dominic Roberto De La Cruz (shout out to my friend, Filipa 🤗) As legend would have it De La Cruz would land on the island and battle La Borgne and her army of slaves but the outcome of this struggle is lost to the sands of time and De La Cruz was never heard from again.

Here is where you enter – as Francis Blade. A nobody rogue who finds himself as the sole survivor of a ship wreck marooned on La Borgne Island. It is here where apes and orangutans attack you for no reason whatsoever and you’ll spend hours upon hours swearing at your television as the game’s inconsistent and slippery controls fail you over and over again.

IGN.com

There is an interesting element (one that I don’t like and I don’t really think it makes a ton of sense) but after a little bit of gameplay you come across an Amulet. An amulet that gives you the power to morph into the “Black Buccaneer”. Whom confusingly looks like a mix between Baron Samedi and the Hulk. The artwork on the old screens are very heavy with the Baron Samedi aesthetic as well without any real mention of Haiti or Voodoo culture whatsoever.

One could argue that it’s not necessarily the developer and writer’s jobs to spoon feed the gamer every single detail but it sort of seems like a missed opportunity when you’re dealing with subject matter as fascinating as Baron Samedi and Haitian culture as a whole.

I like the idea of an escaped slave raging against her colonial captors through the use of brute force and black magic but why not run with it? It feels like a decent idea that was never fully realized. Which is basically the entire story of this game.

If they would have just tightened up the controls and upped the story a little bit you could have had a memorable adventure but instead they ended up with confusing plot accompanied by infuriating controls.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

I mean .. yeah .. it’s bad but it’s still worth more than one cent. Buy it if you see it for one cent.

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

I mean will any other song written about a pirate ever compare?

PERIWINKLE’S LOW HANGING FRUIT PUNCH VERSION 2.0

1.) Vin Diesel Skull Cap

2.) Shameless Voodoo Face Paint

Test Drive

Long before I had the luxurious job of emptying out hot tubs and scrubbing them by hand on Paradise Island, I grew up in a small town. One of those one stoplight towns – the type of place you read about in Stephen King novels and such. But no killer clowns stalked us as children and we didn’t form some sort of killing cult in the cornfields surrounding the hamlet.

No, we did basically what all the other city kids did and still do. Be discontent, listen to punk rock, drink, do drugs and walk around at night like the little miscreants we were. But there were a few perks to rural life – at least in the absolutely forgotten (but not forgettable) Upstate New York.

Small race tracks permeate upstate – from the western frontier to the mountain ranges of central and north east New York. While never being thought of as anything more than “NYC” – the state of New York is gigantic. Sprawling woods, The Catskills and Adirondack mountain ranges. Even Appalachia runs up through the southern part of the state.

Weaving in between all of this ski country are little towns and villages and many of them have their own little hometown arena of sorts: A racetrack. Usually dirt, some times pavement. Growing up in rural New York the races are just sort of rite of the land. Even if you’re not into them you’re well aware of them.

While easy to dismiss as just a muddy oval with a bunch of hicks driving around in circles (which it is) I challenge the most disinterested to not feel the rise in heartbeat and rush of adrenaline when the roar of thirty cars greets a green flag. The tension and white knuckle competition of dozens of men and women just going for it. That drive is intoxicating and in a small way still apart of me.

FANCY INTRODUCTION VIDEO

Now don’t get me wrong. I am about as far away from a country boy as you can get. Immediately moving to a city weeks before barely stumbling across the high school graduation stage. Fifteen years ago you would have seen me vehemently deny any such upbringing. But times change.

And in the gaming world nothing has changed more than my feeling towards the Test Drive series. A series I loved growing up with, enjoyed immensely and played regularly.

A month or so ago I received a big bulk package of games I purchased from Goodwill. There were a few titles I was very excited about adding to my collection (X Files: Resist or Serve being one of them) As I was going through doing inventory of repeat games and checking discs I saw Test Drive. I was overjoyed with seeing an old favorite. Sure that it’d be an enjoyable arcade racer that I could waste hours on.

I was wrong

Now to explain why I have to take you back in time a little. You see in the 90’s there were plenty of racing titles, arcade or simulation that featured American muscle, British luxury, German engineering marvels and Japanese speed. Typically these games were set in a few iconic places around the world where you would race beautiful rare cars against one another on lush English back country roads. Occasionally dodging livestock or a police car. It was sort of like some unspoken millionaire racers club.

This was just kind of the way it was. No one even questioned it. You just sort of assumed that anyone driving a Jaguar XJ-220 around was probably just some rich dickhead.

Until 2001 rolled around and the first of two hundred Fast and Furious films came out. Once that happened – arcade racing games would be changed forever.

Ha! This old thing? This is just my winter car.

“The Fast and Furious effect of 2001” or “FAFE 01”(as I would refer to it years later in my college thesis at Yale University) not only changed the landscape of racing games dramatically but the entire world around us.

First off, men the world over shaved their heads. If shears weren’t an option then men and women rushed to their nearest skull cap store. Donning the new Diesel look. Vin Diesel mania had kicked off.

Real time photo of him driving to my house to kick my ass.

By the winter of 2001 not only was most of the world bald but they were pumping iron as well and even more damning for the Test Drive series – the globe was demanding less luxury and pomp in their racing games and simply more Diesel.

So video games developers had to respond to the rapidly changing market and fast and here is where Test Drive screwed up. Instead of doing any sort of research whatsoever on street racing culture, the long storied history of street racing in iconic locations like SoCal and Tokyo (“The Midnight Club”) or I don’t know, even just watching a movie about racing they said the hell with it. We’ll figure it out as we go and it’s pretty damn obvious.

The plot is pretty simple. You are some guy named Dennis Black and you are contacted by some guy named Donald Clark. Clark is a rich idiot that reminds me of Elon Musk. He’s rude and mean and apparently wheelchair bound. I give the writers credit here for making a handicapped character a total dick. That’s all the credit they’re getting from me, though.

Basically Donald is injured and wants you to race for him. Never mind the fact that we’re assuming at this point he is some sort of ridiculous millionaire that is wasting his time street racing – which the prize is a measly $1000 per victory. I just feel like a guy that could afford to own Dodge Vipers and a Hemi Cuda would be interested in higher stakes money wise.

But what do I know about being a millionaire street racer? The answer? Absolutely nothing. I’ve never been a street racer and I’ll never be a millionaire so maybe these people do exist. Who knows?

So the story sucks but that’s of little consequence. The game ultimately is just not fun. The cars take no damage whatsoever – I hit a semi truck going 210 miles per hour and the semi truck flew backwards. The racers on the track are supposed to be these characters from cutscenes but they don’t drive with any personality. It’s a very dull, repetitive and lonely experience.

It’s sad to see what once was such a strong racing series fall from grace at the turn of the century.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Are you kidding me?

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

The soundtrack is probably the best thing about the game. But it’s not great. It’s a strange mix of Saliva, Ja Rule, Moby and DMX. Being an old lame ass dude my favorite of these artists is Moby. So, alas the Moby banger, “Bodyrock” is my favorite song on the game.

PERIWINKLE’S LOW HANGING FRUIT PUNCH INGREDIENTS V. 2.0

1.) Vin Diesel Skull Cap (Test Drive)

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Me the day before Fast and Furious
Me the day after.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Sadness

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Recently I’ve been traveling off the island quite a bit. The pools have maintained their chlorine freshness with the help of my faithful companion, Cookie. For a few fish and cigarettes a day he doesn’t mind cleaning out the filters and even performs a little Sea Lion show for the guests in the afternoon.

So on these long turbulent flights back home to try to take my mind off of Monsoon season I usually comb through the movie section aboard each flight. Most flights have the same movies and almost all of them are bullshit. They know it and you know it. But what are you going to do? Not watch them? Stare at the suspicious guy two rows over for eleven hours? Sleep? HA! Right.

But on a red eye back to Paradise from Siberia West I found myself basically alone in the cabin with drink in hand and my headphones plugged into the auxiliary jack. I had found an old favorite. A movie that I fell in love with so many years ago. (A movie I actually paid for on Pay-Per-View back in the day). The feudal Chinese fantasy, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Let’s spend this space celebrating Ang Lee’s cinematic achievement, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon based on the novel of the same name written by Chinese author, Wang Dulu.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is actually book four of five in Dulu’s Crane-Iron Series. Crane-Iron being named after the first characters in the first and last installments of the series. The series’ five novels chronicle the struggles of four generations of youxia (simplified Chinese: 游侠; traditional Chinese: 遊俠), often translated as wandering heroes. Each novel contains elements which link it with the others. (Wikipedia)

He did not write the novel for it to become this game

Wang is not only considered a pioneer of the modern wuxia genre but a writer that perfected it. Wuxia is a genre of Chinese fiction that literally translates to, “Martial Heroes”. Usually blending fantasy with martial arts and romance – characters are often from lower social classes and are driven by chivalry or righteousness.

Born Wang Baoxiang 王葆祥 in Beijing 1909 he was said to have written as many as fifty novels between 1931 and 1949. Thirty six of those novels being wuxia novels. Sadly after the Chinese civil war Wang was denounced as “reactionary literarti” by the ruling Communist party and sentenced to hard farm labor where he would die from an unknown illness.

Wang’s legacy in the west was cemented by Taiwanese screenwriter and Director Ang Lee’s adaption of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Ang Lee OBS is a cinematic powerhouse. Born in Pingtung County, Southern Taiwan he was educated in both Taiwan and the United States. His works have found international acclaim and he is a critically and commercially celebrated writer and director. His notable works include: Life of Pi, Sense and Sensibility, Hulk, and Brokeback Mountain. Aside from winning a multitude of awards he has also been awarded the Order of Brilliant Star – the second highest civilian award bestowed on citizens by the Government of Taiwan.

He did not direct the movie for it to become this game.

In 1995 the LA Times named one man, “The coolest actor in the world”. It wasn’t Samuel L Jackson or Speed Star, Keanu Reeves. It was the face of Gun-Fu. Total-stoic-badass-John Woo-regular, Chow Yun-Fat.

Chow Yun-Fat did not come from nothing to be in this game

Born in Pok Liu island, British Hong Kong, Chow Yun-Fat SBS was raised by his mother Chan Lai -Fong, a cleaning lady and vegetable farmer and his father Chow Yung-Wan who worked on a Shell oil tanker. He grew up in a farming community with no electricity waking up early each morning to help his mother sell herbal jelly and work in the fields during the afternoons.

At 17, he took odd jobs to help the family any way he could. It was around this time his actor-trainee application was accepted by the local television station. He was signed to a three year contract and made his acting debut in 1980. Working his way through TV as a rising star and heart throb and on to the silver screen with John Woo Chow Yun- Fat has carved himself an extraordinary career. Even being awarded the Silver Bauhinia Star – the second highest rank star in the honors system of Hong Kong. Awarded to those who have taken a leading part in public affair or voluntary work for a long period of time.

Starring alongside Chow Yun-Fat in the film is the dazzling, Michelle Yeoh PSM. Ranked the “greatest action heroine of all time” by Rotten Tomatoes in 2008 – Michelle Yeoh – known for performing her own stunts and fight scenes has been dominating screens for nearly four decades.

Behind that smile is a stone cold killer that has already killed the game’s developers and soon me for bringing the game back up.

Born in Malaysia, Michelle Yeoh Choo-Kheng PSM to Janet Yeoh and Yeoh Kian Teik, a lawyer and MCA politician respectively. At an extraordinarily young age Yeoh was keen on dance and began ballet by the age of four. In her teens her parents and her would move to the United Kingdom where she would attend UK’s Royal Academy of Dance.

A natural beauty at the age of 20, Yeoh won the miss Malaysia beauty pageant and even move on in competition to win an international, “Queen of the Pacific” pageant. But she is hardly a delicate flower. She has cultivated a reputation for a legendary work ethic, and expertise in choreography. She would become world renowned not only for her acting prowess but her physical capability as well.

I was going to go even further on about the lovely accomplishments of both Zhang Ziyi and Chang Chen but do we even have to? Did either of them work their entire lives only to have their likeness exploited in this dumpster fire on disc?

The answer is no. No they didn’t and none of these people deserve this. These are real human beings with real feelings and aspirations. They don’t deserve this. No one does.

FANCY VIDEO INTRO

There really isn’t that much I can say that I haven’t already said about really sad games before. What is extra infuriating about this game is that:

1.) It’s actually based on a good movie. Most aren’t.

2.) The movie’s fight scenes are breathtaking. The movie literally has done everything for you. All you have to do is take a super entertaining movie fight to watch and add buttons.

I mean.. HOW can you fuck this up?? They’re like three back drops in the entire game.And yes I understand that a majority of the film takes place in the same area but is it so absurd to ask a room full of writers – whom I would have assumed enjoyed the movie (before I played the game) to use their stupid imaginations and get creative with the game’s plot??

Instead of playing the same exact three areas with three different characters like nine times maybe we could branch out a bit? Like say I don’t know – make the game about Jen’s eventual trek to Mount Wudang? Boom. There ya go, guys! Make a game about that. Fucking idiots.

But fine – say they had to follow the film to a tee. That’s fine to. Just do a better job at it. When the game begins it doesn’t introduce anyone – or anything. It assumes you already saw the movie and thrusts you into a hoard of stupid AI ninjas that constantly swarm and overbear you because the controls are fucking impossible.

Even when you do somehow learn how to defend yourself and awkwardly jump from wall to wall – none of it is remotely fun. I spent hours with this game and aside from mounting frustration I felt absolutely nothing at all. I’ve had more fun sitting at the DMV next to crying children.

In fact this game was so bad – I have felt nothing since. It has taken all of my abilities to feel anything away. Maybe it’s for the better.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

If a general overwhelming sense of sadness isn’t quite your enough then fear not! Like most things the internet also has overpriced copies of the game – the perfect way to find yourself on that long road to financial ruin completing your self loathing sadism.

But really- the game can be found at bargain bin prices – around $3-5. The insane part to me, however is the DVD of the movie itself can be found even cheaper! Which is a crime against humanity.

If you absolutely must – I suggest buying the DVD of this film and holding a game controller while you watch it.

DESERT ISLAND SONG

PERIWINKLE’S LOWING HANGING FRUIT PUNCH INGREDIENTS

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One blood stained trucker hat. (Silent Hill: Origins)

11.) One handful of crushed Peony petals (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)

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Paradise Hill: Origins

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE HILL

… I never really understood how I got there until long after I was already apart of the town. The last thing I remember is seeing Cookie walk into a fog. I followed in after him wondering where he was off to. He seemed quiet and more focused than usual. Eventually the fog grew so thick I could barely see directly in front of me. I called out for Cookie to no response.

It felt like I had been walking for days. Eventually the sand of the beach turned into asphalt and I began following the lonely white road line to keep some sense of direction. It felt as though I was traveling in dream years. So quickly through time that it gave the illusion of time itself standing still. When all at once the silhouette of a sign jutted out through the mist.

“WELCOME TO PARADISE HILL”

That was a few weeks ago I believe. But it could have been years ago. Time is a concept very rarely regarded in Paradise Hill. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry. I stood with the letter in my hand. I couldn’t believe it. The letter read:

“NOTICE OF EVICTION”

I stood shocked. I had fallen in love with the town. No traffic, no lines, no one to bother me. The fog made certain things and people a bit harder to see but really, once you got used to squinting all the time it was quite the destination. It had all of the makings and charm of your typical north west lumber town.

Nurses between shifts walking down the road together. I seem to see the same group every day after I wake up, hop out of bed and take a shower in Paradise Motel. “Hi ladies! Working hard or hardly working?” They always seem to get a kick out of it.

When I did leave the motel room in it was in short bursts. Run to the corner store and pick up a six pack – stop at the diner and use the kitchen to cook up a couple of steaks and then stroll merrily back through the blurry black and white white fog to my hotel room. Occasionally outside some loud fire siren would go off and it’d start to get dark outside but i never seemed to have an issue with it.

Just like anywhere else – you keep to yourself and no one tends to bother you. Not even in Paradise Hill. Until now.

As I read the eviction notice the board of directors at Paradise Hills sited a few reasons for my cause of eviction:

1.) LACK OF LODGING EXPENSES PAID: It’s true. I wasn’t paying rent. I mean no one ever asked. One time some guy with a huge hat knocked on the door and just sort of stood there and walked off. But I didn’t know if he was the landlord or just a creeper.

2.) THEFT OF GOODS AND SERVICES:

– (5) Welcome to Paradise Hill gift shop shirts

– (16) Six packs of Paradise Hill Ale

– (2) Bottles of sexual lubricant

– (1) Copy of The Titanic

– (1) Copy of Silent Hill: Origins

3.) FAILURE TO FACE YOUR OWN INNER DEMONS/ BE CREEPED OUT

Mr Winkle. Please – keep the goods you have procured and please leave town immediately. You are no longer welcome here at majestic Paradise Hill. Also your Sea Lion has been returned to your home safely. Please do not speak to any one on your way out as you have been creeping out the other residents for quite some time now.

Sincerely,

PARADISE HILL TOWN HALL

I packed up all my belongings as some beautiful sad music began playing from no where and I backpacked out of town. As I was on the outskirts of town I heard cheers of celebration. But before long I saw the bright lights and sights of Paradise again. Like a tilt-a-whirl through the dark. As I walked through the crowd no one seemed to notice me.

It dawned on me that I was now trapped in Paradise Hill forever. I was free to travel across the globe but no one would ever see me again. Only maybe being able to detect my presence here and there like that one movie with Sean Bean in it.

Baddest Bean on the planet.

Which I was completely fine with. I began to think of the possibilities of my new invisible life. I could sneak into Area 51 and finally figure out what the hell that place was all about. I could get into concerts for free. I could haunt people! This was going to be great. But my first mark was a hot dog stand I saw off the path near the coconut’s huts. I grabbed a roll and reached in the hot water and grabbed a hot dog. I slapped it into the bun and took a bite. Ah. Delicious hot dog stand hot dogs. Disgusting and delicious and now free for the rest of m-

“You gonna pay for that?”

Turns out I wasn’t invisible. And I wasn’t getting free hot dogs for the rest of my life. I walked home.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: March 4 2008

Developer: Climax Action (Sudeki, The Italian Job)

Published: Konami

Well back to reality and really sad gaming. Today, we have a case of a game that might have been alright if it wasn’t associated with such a strong franchise. I also sort of wanted to use this opportunity to explain what little work that does actually go into these posts and the sad consequences that result from playing (generally) nothing but bad games all of the time.

Not pictured: The Cry Hole that I crawl into after hours of bad gaming.
Shelves of despair

When Pinkie and I had a check in conversation (now that she has a palace built it’s become a whole event with feasts and festivities etc) she asked what I was working on. I told her I was planning on starting Silent Hill: Origins. She responded with, “isn’t that the really bad one?”

Which surprisingly it’s not the really bad one. It’s just not a really good one. Which sums up this game perfectly. If it were named anything else it would probably be considered a forgotten but slightly above average survival horror game – starts off kind of lame, picks up and ends in an absolutely nonsensical way. Put the words Silent Hill on the case however and now you’re looking at a lackluster experience.

In the game you start off as rootin’ tootin’ truck driver, Travis Grady. He’s driving his MAC Truck getting his kicks off Route 66 and all that when he spots a little girl in the road. He swerves to avoid her (as most human beings tend to do) and stops to get out and investigate the scene. Looking for the lost child, he sees her approaching from behind him in his rear view mirror only to disappear which scares the shit out of him but certainly doesn’t deter him from abandoning his vehicle and walking miles and miles in a thick fog in the middle of the road.

Eventually this leads Travis to a house fire. He spots some weird broad hanging out by the burning house and runs in because of course he does. And he rescues some kid that’s torched like a marshmallow. Eventually passing out – he awakes in Silent Hill to go search for the french fry kid and madness ensues.

Now, if I may – first off – I am a Daughter Daddy. She is the light of my life. When my wife was pregnant I think I surprised her by crossing my fingers and hoping for a daughter and we were lucky enough to get a bright, beautiful, healthy little lady. I fucking love that kid. BUT – I have watched enough scary movies to know that if I’m out in the middle of no where and some creepy little girl is hanging around – I’M NOT FOLLOWING HER. I DON’T CARE. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Alright, with that out of the way lets cover a couple of things that this game does really nicely. The sound effects and soundtrack are top notch – Silent Hill quality. Like all other SH soundtracks, composed by the master, Akira Yamaoka. The absolute badass Thom Yorke-esque dark genius of video game soundtracks. The sound effects and music are unnerving and uncomfortable – aptly suited for the atmosphere.

I want to recommend this game so much more but it breaks my own personal cardinal sin of gaming: difficulty due to controls. There is nothing I hate more than fighting a game more than the story or gameplay itself.

Controls and saboteur camera angles are what takes this Silent Hill entry out at the knees. The storyline and voice acting isn’t seminal by any stretch of the imagination but it’s not noteworthy poor. The puzzles are weak and there is a lot of backtracking (RE style) – also not a lot of actual area to explore. For an open town the game has you on rails for a good majority of it.

Camera angles that can really get in your head

The game does certain things right but it does so many little things wrong that it begins to become a serious distraction. The small unnecessary changes are enough to anger longtime fans. The nurses now see and react to noise/light/everything – just another static sprite that is easy to avoid but lacks any of their signature creepiness.

You can pick up large heavy objects to toss at monsters – which is cool – but kind of pulls you out of it as you go through your inventory and realize that your character is carrying twelve portable TVs, three filing cabinets, sixteen I.V. drip bag stands and six different guns. I am not a huge fan of Resident Evil’s death-by-no-inventory-space strategy but how many fax machines can one guy hold?

Not to mention you don’t even really need weapons most of the time. The ability to punch your enemies is overpowered for a survival horror game. I have beat up so many nurses in the past week I could star in my own episode of COPS.

Bottom line: Please for the love of all things holy – Konami – if you are going to outsource one of your flagship franchises please let it be to Kojima Productions. I don’t give a shit what beef you guys have. Figure it out and lets do this.

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Now here is where it gets tricky. To be frank, even the bad games I adore. I just love playing games. I love buying them, I love looking at my horrible collection of bargain bin trash just as much as any rare games I find. Like little trophies made from melted garbage can lids. They’re mine and I absolutely enjoy playing and writing about them.

Generally, on this blog I deal almost exclusively with cheap games. This game? Not very cheap. Luckily for me, I purchased this years ago before everything Silent Hill exploded in price online.

I would never, ever tell anyone what to buy or what not to buy. I wouldn’t even judge anyone for buying Rule of Rose for $16,999. I mean, I would hope you would find it cheaper but whatever at the end of the day it’s your money, you work hard for it, you spend it on whatever you want.

Right now it looks like it’s averaging about $110-120 on eBay.

Is it worth $2300? I’d have to give it a hard, “no.” But I clean pools for a princess that pays me in bad games – so you do you. I would suggest checking out eStarland or Lukie Games over bid sites for collector’s series games like Silent Hill. There are a ton of gougers that will buy everything up just to raise prices even higher upon resell THUS continually driving up market prices for regular gamers like you and I. Dicks.

DESERT ISLAND SONG

The classic that can get anyone in the mood. Even if it’s for Origins:

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One blood stained trucker hat. (Silent Hill: Origins)

Suggestions? Requests? Send me a message!

The Haunted Mansion on Paradise Island

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

When I was young my father told me there was a curse in my family. He told me to never tell any of my friends at school because everyone would laugh at me and call us crazy. Very seriously he sat me down and explained to me that he sees ghosts. I believed him then and believe him to this day because now, I see them too.

The conversation and sentiment itself haunted me for years. It rattled around the passages of my brain like little pac-man ghosts just before I’d fall asleep. Then one day well into adulthood I had finally understood what he meant.

I was driving down the road one summer afternoon and I saw a friend of mine walking by himself that had passed away years before. He was an old boss of mine and of a very distinct build. He was about 6’4 and heavier set. Bald, thin gold rimmed glasses and bearded. A bit of a hunched back but strong as an ox. We locked eyes as I drove by and he too seemed to have stopped in his tracks. Don had been dead for close to five years at the time. So what the hell was he doing walking down the street?

I was so convinced and baffled I pulled over to the side of the road. I looked in my rear view mirror. There he was walking down the road alone seemingly toward my car. I pinched myself. Was I dreaming? I waited for him to pass by as I held my breath staring. Somewhat awkwardly a man who looked nothing like him passed by my car noticing my weird behavior. It wasn’t Don at all. I had successfully stalked a random grown man who was about six minutes away from kicking my ass.

Probably a bit crazy, with a bit of an out of control imagination and lack of healthy coping skills would probably explain the “ghostly encounters” I’ve had from time to time. As I get older more and more reminds me of my past and it’s rarely anything to be afraid of.

So when I received my orders from the Palace to investigate a newly unearthed haunted mansion in the forest on the island I wasn’t shaken in the least. Ghosts and spirits are only as dangerous as you allow them to be. Even 999 of them.

Friday afternoon I swung by Indigo’s hut and left him a couple of big T-Bone steaks, Turkey Legs, Mead – all things the Viking types love as a thank you for taking care of my pool duties over the weekend. I was packed and ready to spend the weekend investigating the history of this mystery mansion. Ever curious for a glimpse into the after life I was on my way – alone. Cookie wanted to go with me but I had to convince him I’d be alright alone. I even had to throw some fish in the other direction to distract him.

It took me most the afternoon with compass in hand before I had arrived at the dilapidated mansion in the thick of the forest. But the forest wasn’t much of a forest and the dilapidated mansion wasn’t very dilapidated. In fact – while it might have been haunted – this place was anything but abandoned.

Out of my price range.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the mansion a man watches over dozens of monitors with cameras all over the property. Glaring at the screens he asks himself, Who is this little man with glasses and child bearing hips? As far as Albert knew Umbrella Corporation said that this island was abandoned. Had they landed on the wrong island? Ah too late now. He decided to introduce this unwelcome visitor to his first devastating line of defense. “Take this” he said aloud as he let out a deep laugh and pushed a red button.

If you’re going to be evil do yourself a solid and get some cool sunglasses.

“Ick – is that poison ivy?” I asked myself. I had been examining a strange logo towards the front gate. It looked super familiar but I just couldn’t place it.

Looks pleasant enough.

As I was examining the logo I heard an electric current coming from the ground as I stepped back not knowing what to expect. The ground in front of me cracked open. Just a tiny little hole and a little pole came shooting out. As the pole retracted – a sign unfolded.

“NO TRESPASSING – PLEASE ~ UC”

As I stared at the sign a little camera on top looked me up and down. I imagined some beefy security guard ready to mess me up (still shell shocked from the Seemingly immortal security guards of Trigger Man) Did I travel all this way just to be deterred by a “No Trespassing” sign?

There was a small speaker at the bottom of the sign to speak into. I held the button down.

“..Hello?”

Albert Wesker stared at this pudgy little man in a purple suit and sighed. He took his signature sunglasses off and rubbed his temples. If the “No Trespassing” sign wouldn’t stop this maniac than what could? He looked around the security room and thought of something.

– still pressing the button on and off –

“ Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Echooooo echoooooo echooooooooooooo. I’m going to trespass! You better stop me. I’m here to see some ghosts. Ya hear me? I’m gonna do it! Ya hear?”

Wesker looks at the camera to see the silly man stretching his leg in the air past the sign and then putting it down on the ground.

“There. I did it! Told you I would! You’ve been tre-passed upon”

Suddenly the sound of another electric current and now a larger retractable pole came out of the ground. This with a small black box on top. A voice came out of a speaker in it.

“Hey idiot. There are no ghosts here. If you must know his is a zombie mansion, bozo!”

Now I’d be lying if I were to say self doubt wasn’t becoming a serious issue for me at this time. So I resigned to cutting my losses BUT I didn’t want to leave empty handed and almost as if the trespassing sign could read my thoughts the voice proceeded:

“Hey idiot. I know you’re going to ask for some sort of souvenir because you’re a simple, disgusting little creature. So open the box and there you will find all that you need. And then get out of my face. Now where did I put-

Souvenirs!? I no longer cared what this guy had to say. Toys? Tshirts? FOOD!??!? Opening the box I found three things. A copy of The Haunted Mansion with a sticky note that said, “for your ghost hunting needs.” Next I found a t-shirt that said, “I got infected by the T-Virus and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.” I didn’t know what the hell the T-Virus was – I’m not a scientist. I could not care less. But I could always use more clothes. The last thing I found was some weird vial that looked like it had some like weird red spiral thingy in it. Looked sorta spicy – might add it to some chili or taco night or something.

Happy with my bounty I clicked the TALK button and thanked my new friend for the game, shirt and red sauce. He started shouting something but I was running out of daylight and started to head back. Didn’t see any ghosts but maybe I would tonight – as I dip into The Haunted Mansion.

New And Improved Video Introduction

Released: October 14 2003

Developed by: High Voltage Software (Lego Racers, COD 2: Big Red One)

Published by: TDK (whom would fold and be purchased by 2k)

It’s important to note right away that The Haunted Mansion is based on the actual ride at Disney World and not the Eddie Murphy film which happened to ALSO be released in 2003 and was based on the ride as well.

In short – the video game was much better received critically than the film. Even though I love me some Jennifer Tilly.

I wish I had a big glass ball with Jennifer Tilly in it. Wait that came out weird.

The game features none of the likenesses or anything you would have thought would be in it because it wasn’t until after I purchased it that I realized it’s not based on the film adaption. Which ultimately is for the better. So instead of Jennifer Tilly playing the role of Madame Leota it is voice actress, Lisa Donahey – who could win a Kathy Bates voice imitator of the year award for her work in the game.

Regardless of the heavy southern drawl and the constant reminder that this mansion is located in the Deep South of Louisiana the voice acting is really good. Light, fun and convincing. A level of quality you would expect from just about any Disney product. But unfortunately the game does have some audio flaws despite superb voice acting. The soundtrack will cut out randomly and muddle at times. The sound effects can also get pretty redundant and ear splitting if you’re a headphones player like myself.

Sound issues aside this game is pure fun. Obviously with the exception of an occasional jump-scare as far as horror games go The Haunted Mansion is toothless. But it doesn’t make it any less fun.

Full of challenges and a huge mansion to explore. Whacky characters and easy to learn controls this game was a super entertaining and enjoyable spook fest. Highly recommended for fans of 90’s Halloween comedy like Hocus Pocus and Casper

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

Used on eStarland this is going for bargain bin prices. Hovering around $3.50. That’s pretty in tune with what I’ve seen on eBay. There is a brand new copy going for $37 dollars still sealed so this game right now has little to no resell or collectors value. But for the price you can’t beat the entertainment factor. I’m glad I own it and I would definitely suggest for my fellow retro enthusiasts for a fun game towards Halloween.

PERIWINKLE’s GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS:

1.) One liter of jet fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)

2.) A crystal ball with a southern lady’s head in it (The Haunted Mansion)

DESERT ISLAND SONGS

“If dreams are like movies than memories are films about ghosts”

What is your favorite playful scary movie? Any games you play every Halloween? Let us know.

Bug me on social media

Meeting God in Shattered Skies

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Another week on Paradise – which means more pool cleaning, lawn mowing and preparation for coconut tourist season. But this week a different task led me down a dramatically different path than usual.

It all started with orders from the top (as it normally does). However, instead of a bad game frisbeed through my hut window like normal there was just a map of the island, a small note from Princess Pinkie and a pair of Power Bracelets left at the breakfast bar. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in. My guard Dog/Sea Lion, Cookie had spent the night at the reef somewhere off the coast with one of his girlfriends.

“HEAVY. ROCK. LIFT. MOVE. 🦆”

I sipped my coffee and held the note. The morning had started off rare as it was. I woke up in a green tunic. Which I chalked up to a combination of too much to drink the night before and laundry day.

Second, earlier that morning there was a bright large bug that kept yelling, “HEY” at me trying to wake me up. Eventually – completely irritated – I arose and squared up with the bug and boxed it. After punching it out of the air I tossed it’s strange, unconscious faerie body in the garbage can outside and laid back down.

Now there was this note. Rarely did I exchange much correspondence with the palace as is. I’ve always been the self motivated type. Wandering around the island looking for things to fix up. Generally assuming if I’m found busy my employers will almost always be happy. But a personal request – this was different. And the Power Bracelets looked badass. So equipped with my newly found gauntlets and tight-but-comfortable-green-tunic I set off towards the boulder that must be moved.

Upon arrival I saw the large rock that needed moving. There were some strange plants around it. They looked like cartoon bombs 💣 growing out of some weeds. I assumed they must be some sort of land mines left over from the war – Princess Diana did her best to have all land mines removed and eradicated from ex-war-zones but Paradise is a bit out of the way. They must have missed a few.

I, personally am not fucking with a bomb of an undetermined age sticking out of the ground. So I avoided them. Maybe I’ll put some caution tape around the area once I move around them and get this rock out of here. In other words: bomb disposal : outside my pay grade.

So removing the rock itself was extremely anticlimactic. I just lifted it over my head and tossed it. These gauntlets are excellent quality. The startling thing was this strange music I heard from everywhere around me as I lifted the rock. I quickly realized that by moving the rock I had exposed a hole. A seemingly bottomless pit.

Despite everything in my body telling me this was a mistake I decided to jump down the hole anyways because fuck it – why not. And I’m glad I did. I landed softly on a mirrored pad – where I heard a gorgeous harp – the sound of a running fountain and a relaxing, disarming ambience. I, was sure I was in the company of pure good.

As I approached I heard a powerful roar. A voice so beautiful and strong – easily the strength of a choir of people singing from the depths quickly approaching the fountains surface until completely breaking through the still water. A giant faerie? Or a giant god? Or the… unbelievably talented singer songwriter, Chris Cornell??

Chris Cornell emerged from the faerie fountain completely dry and all knowing. It wasn’t until now that I realized one of my favorite singers of all time sort of already had a Jesus look going on for awhile on his own.

His voice soft but firm.

Cornell: Periwinkle – I have been watching you from afar.

Me: Mr. Cornell – Why… I’m .. so… flattered.

Cornell: Of course you are. You have projected me. You wouldn’t pick someone you don’t like to be a faerie God…I mean.. think about it…

– Silence –

Me: Yeah. Yeah I s’pose you’re right.

Cornell: ANYWAYS… let’s see .. where was I – alright… As I was saying. *Clears Throat* Periwinkle – I have watched your self destruction from afar. It’s finally time, son.

Me: It’s time to move on? I can come with you? I have been waiting for thi-

Cornell: No! What’s the matter with you. You’re not going anywhere. It’s time for you to play a good game, finally.

Me: Oh. Well.. yeah, of course…

Cornell: Between back to back terrible titles like City Crisis and Trigger Man your heart meter is so low. Which is why I’m here. To provide comfort to weary travelers. Let me blow the life back into you.

Me: Wait.. wha – … like a ..sexual thing?

Cornell: No. Definitely not a sexual thing.

—- Neither makes eye contact for what seems like forever ——-

Cornell: I was going for like a game cartridge thing. Like when it wouldn’t work –

Me: Yeah, yeah I get it.

Cornell: But, anyways! You have suffered selflessly enough for the coconuts on Paradise. Trudging through horrible games to warn the visitors and retro enthusiasts on Paradise of the perils of bargain bin gaming. What games to avoid. Selflessly diving on grenades to save the masses. It’s time to treat yourself, son.

Me: This means so much… what game can make me love again? Can you, Grammy Award winning multi-instrumentalist, Chris Cornell show a guy like me how to live?

Cornell: Young Periwinkle – I can only steer you in the right direction. I can recharge your hearts and give you one single title to get you back on track. After that your destiny is in your own hands. Before I leave I suggest you take that bottle over there and make sure you bottle a little golden mini me as well. In case you ever find yourself dealing with Trigger Man level of incompetence in the future again.

I heard the flute noise and felt my energy being restored. *Flick flick flick flick* ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Golden Chris Cornell Faerie God also handed me a copy of Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies.

I grabbed the empty bottle and put a tiny Golden Chris Cornell inside it for later use. The floating Cornell smiled at the new lease on my gaming life.

With my arms out stretched over my head a floating bottle with a tiny golden statuette rest in it. You have acquired a Golden Cornell. Let him free to recharge your energy and soul.

Chris Cornell: Now before I go, son. Do you have any questions? About anything in the entire universe?

I thought hard.

Periwinkle: When is the McRib coming back?

Cornell looked extremely disappointed. Shook his head and floated back into the faerie fountain. Apparently it was such a good question he couldn’t even answer it! Or it was really bad. Eh, who cares?

I stood with my arms raised with a copy of Ace Combat 04 floating above my hands. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A COPY OF A PLAYSTATION 2 MASTERPIECE, ACE COMBAT 04: SHATTERED SKIES.

FANCY INTRO VIDEO

Released: November 1 2001

Developed & Published: namco

I have such little experience writing about how much I enjoyed a video game that I am almost completely at a loss. I have messaged Pinkie nearly every day telling her how much I love this game. I have told my wife. I have told my friends. I have told the dog next door. Everyone after day two or so just eventually starts to roll their eyes.

I drove to New York City to profess my love to Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies while standing on the top of a skyscraper but there was already someone doing it. This game is a masterpiece. Beautiful, sad, fun, easy to learn but hard to master. All of the good stuff.

The game itself is about a future world where some asteroids posed a major threat to the planet. Mankind built a gun to shoot the asteroids and it didn’t really work so now we all live on one shitty continent. Naturally because we’re human beings we begin a war over land and resources and the “bad dudes” highjack the massive asteroid gun and you have to stop them. Sounds simple and stupid but it isn’t. The storytelling is so well done, exploring the human condition in times of war.

I’d also go on record and say this game is a top ten ps2 game graphically. Some of the colors, graphics, picture-esque skies and backdrops are still breathtaking to this day. With 2021 eyes that is quite a feat.

It even has a beautiful replay mode that you can exploit and slam your jet into the ocean all cinematic like:

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

I understand that this was a big series back in the day but it passed me by twenty years ago. I have noticed that most of my fellow ps2 collectors are around my age. A lot around mid 30’s. So when these games were out we didn’t necessarily have the money or the time to buy these games on our minimum wage grocery store paychecks.

But here’s where the news gets even better! I picked this bad boy up for $2.99 at a flea market. On eStarland you can find it CiB for $9.

On EBay I’ve been finding it for about $3.99 which is a great deal.

But as usual – there are ridiculous price gougers that deserve to be shamed. Like this fuckface:

I’ll just buy my own jet, thanks.

Regardless – without paying this guy $599 – if you are a collector or just a fan of retro games this game is well, well, worth its budget price tag these days. And if you’re an emulator player – get on it! You don’t have to be a jet or a war enthusiast to enjoy this game. I recommend it so much – I had to create a new cocktail because I refuse to put it on the list with all the other bad games. So here is the good game cocktail ingredient list!

PERIWINKLE’S GIN AND GEM INGREDIENTS

1.) One liter of Jet Fuel (Ace Combat 04: Shattered Skies)

DESERT ISLAND SONG:

If nothing else – if you have skipped this entire article – which is fine – do yourself a favor and listen to this. I needed a harp version of a Soundgarden song to tie in Cornell w/ Zelda. And because the internet rules here we are:

Alright I think that’s it. I’m actually working on another surprisingly good game right now. I’ll see you guys next week. Have more ps2 gems it seems everyone missed out on? Let us know! Comment below or Hit me up on social media (Instagram has been popping lately!) Until next time, Coconuts.

Periwinkle – Triggered.

An infuriating mixture of nearly invincible enemies, next to nothing plot and ugly design.

POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

Cookie and I have been renovating our hut in preparation for a lovely spring and summer – my first on the island. We decided to put the hut on stilts and move it closer to the shore for two reasons: We both enjoy the sounds of summer storms rolling over the ocean and it’s easier for him. You see, as of late Cookie has become quite the ladies man. He likes to bring his Sea Lion girlfriends over to watch movies as he has always really been quite the cinephile. I can’t tell you how many times he’s made me watch Life By A Whisker.

So, like a good roommate I retreat to my small room and put my headphones on. I don’t get very many guests, myself. Once a month the manager might kick open the door and throw my next batch of horrible, bargain bin games inside for me to suffer through. Other than that every full moon Sunny leaves me hand woven baskets with fruits and random bones on our small front porch. I think it’s a gesture of good will but it could also be a grave threat – it’s hard to tell with him.

This month I opened the front door to the see the game box of, “Trigger Man” stuck to my door with a combat knife. And I could just faintly see the Manager running back into the tree line. She’s not as innocent as she’d like you to believe. There are even rumors on the island of construction workers on her new Castle disappearing. But I keep my head down and keep quiet. I’m just here to do a job, sweet island citizens and guests and it begins now. Let us begin this mortal sin of a game!

NEW FANCY VIDEO INTRODUCTION

No.

Publisher: Point of View (They published the amazing NFL Blitz)

Developed by: Crave Entertainment (The creative genius behind, Baby Pals)

Crave Entertainment originally titled this game, “Baby Felons”

Trigger Man makes the impossible possible. It makes being a mobster incredibly lame. The story is so abhorrent that it would have literally been better with no story or context at all. That way the person playing the game could just nonchalantly make up their own plot line.

“What’s this guys deal?”

“Oh. He drank too many Mountain Dews. Now he’s taking everyone down.”

“Ah. Makes sense.”

That story? Those two sentences? More thought out then the entire game. Concept, design, story, all of it.

I read a blog post about eyeliner earlier today that is more badass than this game. The unnamed, idiot, blockhead main character you play as is so boring and uninspired I’ve come across pots of boiling water with more complexities.

The controls are so sad that just ducking is an achievement. Sneaking is impossible although an absolute requirement throughout the game. Cover is nearly impossible during shootouts although that too is paramount to even surviving the constant swarms of respawning enemies.

Speaking of enemies…The only actual badass thing in this entire game? The security guards you have to fight who are basically fucking indestructible. They should play footage of this game at every security guard convention across the country. Sure, they can’t shoot straight and they run directly into your line of fire but they sure are tough.

That is also assuming you can even hit them. If you aim the reticle at the enemies head you will shoot their body. Which takes at least ten shots to kill anyone (Oh, yeah and you can only carry like 30 bullets at a time with any gun so good luck with that). But a headshot grants an instant kill every time. So if you aim the reticle just above the enemies head – you still miss. You just shoot over their heads. It’s extremely difficult to even get a head shot. Skill has barely anything to do with it. It all boils down to luck.

Yeah, good luck idiot.

Which speaking of luck – upon playing this game you will find yourself unlucky A LOT. The missions themselves would honestly take about six minutes each to blow through if you didn’t die 150-200 times per round. It’s UNREAL.

Oh and this god forsaken blog post? Already like two thousand words longer than the game manual. Another sign of how bad the game is. They couldn’t even hire a writer to lie for a minute about how fun and cool the game is in its own instruction manual!

Here’s one last dumb analogy for you. Say video games were sea birds. Why? I don’t know. It’s the first thing that came to mind. Grand Theft Auto 3 (which came out three years before Trigger Man, mind you) was a great game. But far from perfect. Especially with its shooting and aiming controls. It was hard to handle. The lads and ladies at Rockstar had yet to perfect their combat system. So despite its insane fun it could be frustrating to play. Which would take it down from a beautiful majestic sea bird to maybe something cool but a little derpy like a Flamingo.

So if GTA 3 was a cute but derpy flamingo spending its days at an all you can eat Shrimp buffet than Trigger Man is a Sea Gull eating cigarette butts out of a trash can biting little kids that pass by.

Who hasn’t had a date end like this, amiright?

The game is turbo trash. Really can’t put it any other way. It’s literally the worst game I have ever played.

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

SHOP TIL YOU DROP

For the collectors out there – you can find this game on pretty much any site for next to nothing. But I must point out this idiot for trying to sell this piece of hot garbage for over $35

Just..stop.

DESERT ISLAND SONGS (Songs inspired by the games)

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

10.) One indestructible security guard (Trigger Man)

Follow me on stuff! I’ll follow you back literally forever !

City Crisis

Generally this is where I write a little segment about my life on the resort. How despite the fact I am relegated to bashing rats with hammers, clearing out asbestos from around the basement pipes and cleaning up the sidewalks after the tourists have had too much to drink it’s still pretty close to paradise. Somewhere in Southeast Asia the weather is beautiful and the food is even better. But this introduction is different because this City Crisis game – if that’s what you would call it – this “game” is as far from paradise as heaven is wide.

If you hate someone. Stop what you’re doing and search “City Crisis PS2” on Amazon. Then – buy one of the BILLIONS of copies available and send it to your enemies’ address. Upon arrival they may think it was an accident or maybe even a gift. Surely if they do make the mistake of playing the game it’ll be one of the last things they ever do. After an hour or so of gameplay they’ll be sure to leap from their high rise apartment window. Or maybe just start hitting their head against a wall until eventually they’ve lost so much blood it all fades to black.

It’s impossible to tell how many copies of City Crisis were actually unleashed on the public but thankfully not enough to actually create a real city crisis. I can only imagine that if hundreds of thousands of people raced to the store to buy this game the day it came out there would have been deadly riots in the streets only hours later.

Even if I have been told by reliable sources that Germans absolutely love helicopter and farming games. My father in-law is off the boat German and has never mentioned his love for either. But certainly if he loves this game than he is ashamed and would never want to show such poor judgement to his son-in-law. Any fans of City Crisis are surely too ashamed to come forward. As they should be.

Developed by Syscom Entertainment which has disappeared off the face of the Earth (probably due to overwhelming shame) and published by giants Take-Two Interactive.

The game was released on July 17th 2001. Meaning it also shares a birthday with someone inexplicably popular in Germany as well. Yes, you immediately know who I’m about to drag into this. The Hoff was born on July 17th. He single handily tore down the Berlin Wall brick by brick with songs of rescuing babes from maritime disaster and personally woo-ed the Soviets back into loving a capitalist system (kind of). That’s what they teach American school children at least!

But like every good balance in the universe – if David Hasselhoff is pure good born on July 17th then sack of shit Gavin McInnes is the flip side of the coin. If you don’t know who he is then you’re better off.

But where were we? Ah yes, back to City Crisis. You are immediately thrust into the cockpit of a helicopter named after incredibly lame animals to name a helicopter after.

Helicopters are named: Dolphin, Lobster and Goldfish.

“Sir! The skyscraper you’re in is burning! We’ve come to save you!!”

“Oh, thank God for you, heroes! Thank you so much!”

(*Begins to notice that the rescue helicopter is named LOBSTER and has the animal painted on the Helicopter tail*)

“Ya know what? It’s fine. I’m good! Go rescue someone else. I’ll just jump”

Not to mention there is something seriously wrong in this game world and the constant burning buildings is not nearly as big as an issue that needs to be addressed compared to whatever fictional country they have pissed off. In one flying/rescue segment it’s not unusual for seven to eight different buildings to just randomly explode on opposite ends of the city within a few minutes of one another. Are we at war? Is this The Blitz? Faulty gas lines? What the fuck is actually going on around here?

Or is it that the graphics of this fictional city are just so poor the citizens themselves have just had enough and are destroying their own city in a desperate cry for help? We may never know. But the Helicopter Rescue Budget for the city has to be through the roof. I’m not sure how they could afford much else.

Speaking of affording things you can find this game for like $2.50 on eBay. And some asshole is even trying to sell it for $71.00. Don’t pay either of those prices. Just don’t buy this game, sweet Germans. You deserve better helicopter games.

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

8.) One Mona Lisa Smile (The Davinci Code)

9.) One Copy of, “Night Rocker” by The Hoff (City Crisis)

Text me

Fugitive Hunter – A Game About Terrorists..Made By Terrorists.

When I’m not cleaning out pool filters or checking the water’s PH levels I can often be found organizing my bad games alphabetically. Fugitive Hunter can be found under the letter, F, not for its name but because it’s Fucking dumb.

For nearly two days I had absolutely no notes on this game except that is was mind numbingly stupid.

I even considered just publishing that.

But that would be letting it off too easy.

Developed by Black Ops Entertainment – a gaming studio developed by four dudes that somehow graduated MIT. The game was published in 2003 by Encore Software – which looking them up – really doesn’t seem to deal with publishing games very often. As they shouldn’t.

The shear amount of ways to attack this game are almost overwhelming. It’d be impossible to cover everything that is wrong with it, to be honest. So I’ll just start at the macro level.

There are different types of terrorism. You have Narco-Terrorists (Cartels, traffickers, drug kingpins etc). There are politically motivated terrorists.. like the IRA. Then your garden variety (choose your religion) extremists and lastly there is a much less violent form of terrorism. A slow, bloodless coup of sorts. A war waged on the mind. Intellectual terrorists like the idiot, Bhad Bhabie or the Kardashians. Stupidity and pointlessness of such a dangerous scale that on a long enough timeline begins to indoctrinate an unsuspecting mind. Thats the territory the minds behind Fugitive Hunter belong to. Intellectual terrorism.

Definitely failed the Jack Bauer Quiz

Now that might seem a bit harsh but it’s how I feel.

Post 9/11 America was a weird place. Nationalism was at an all time high and I fucking hate nationalism. Every day in high school for lunch you could find yourself cornered by a recruiter for the Marines or Army. The more punk or alternative you looked the harder you were pressed. You couldn’t drive to the store without hearing a country song about kicking, “Usama-Obama-Ali-Muhammad’s ass” and every fucking Football game would have Jets fly over it. Because that’s what America does. We pay for Jet Fuel to fly over football stadiums instead of housing for the homeless people freezing to death outside of them.

So… I hated the ultra patriot bullshit back then as it is and Fugitive Hunter is the perfect reminder as to why. Macho-bro-American-flag-waving-bullshit. It *just* falls short of satire. If only the writers were just a bit smarter. Or didn’t actually believe the shit they were spewing.

Thats to not say it doesn’t have it’s funny moments. Objectively – fist fighting Osama Bin Laden in an arcade type fight is ridiculous enough to make anyone laugh.

Outside of that however the game just tries too damn hard. It just wants to be cool so bad. It’s really kind of sad to watch. Fortunately, it even seems like the developers realized about halfway through the game what sort of monster they have created and wrap it up abruptly. You can basically beat the final four or five levels within an hour and a half. It’s almost as if one of them woke up and really re-examined their lives.

As far as actual gameplay is concerned it is a First Person Shooter without an aim button. So that should sum up the mechanics of the game for you pretty well. The enemies respawn at a maddening rate – usually directly behind you. All great fun.

The dialogue is basically non existent and when it is there you wish it wasn’t. You can’t make it through a level without the main character tauntingly saying, “Yo Mama” to an enemy he has gunned down at least 15-20 times. The sound is awful. The music is shit. I’m pretty sure Dr. Dre and Eminem could sue them for ripping off the main chords/music to, “Kill You” off the Marshall Mathers LP.

The graphics are awful especially for the time it was released. It’s almost as if this game was created to be bad.

And then it struck me. Like a bolt of lightning – electricity traveling through the universe landing in my head and shooting out my fingertips. This game WAS created to be bad on purpose. This game is a weapon of mass disfunction.

Get this: Did you know Osama Bin Laden was not only big into pop culture but also anime and gaming? When the CIA released more than 417,000 files from the Bin Laden raid he had massive collections of anime, emulators and games. Even popular first person shooters like Counter Strike and Half Life.

So maybe… just maybe … back in 2003 when the government (that can see through buildings from outer space but inexplicably couldn’t find number one most wanted man worldwide, Osama Bin Laden) had to unleash the ultimate weapon. They would feature him in one of the worst video games ever. That would surely flush him out. Right? At the very least bring him to the brink of suicide. A fate deserving of such an evil man. – Periwinkle

(Definitely DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

Just your typical chat between writers
And this poor soul who also has been victimized

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

7.) The tooth of a terrorist (Fugitive Hunter)

Follow me on social media if thats your thing: https://linktr.ee/DarkCorners

Definitely not the reason I do this BUT if anything I write brings you joy and you felt like buying me a cup of coffee I would wholeheartedly appreciate it. https://ko-fi.com/colinsik

CSI: Paradise

Before I spent my days skimming pools on an exotic island resort dodging endangered baby Chinese Alligators that Sunny keeps putting in the pool I was a crime scene investigator. A blind, dumb and slow crime scene investigator that despite all physical and mental odds against me still managed to solve five mysteries.

I’m alone, belly up to the bar at Pinkie’s Tavern. A low lit place with smooth jazz and smoother drinks. I look at myself in the warm reflection of the glass behind the bar and then back down at my stiff drink. The singer – some dame with moth wings – purrs in the corner. Nick the bartender comes up quiet but stern.

“Listen, pal. I don’t know what kinda night you’ve had and I don’t wanna know. But I do know that it’s last call and I don’t want to but if I have to just know I‘ll haul ya outta here myself.”

After nights like these it’s hard to just go home. After seeing what I’ve seen for so many years I thought I had become immune to the horrors of crime. Only to be proven wrong yet again – and on this lovely island resort of all places. I will surely take the aftermath images of the Flaming S’mores Killer with me to the grave.

I pay my tab and slowly turn from the bar, adjusting my hat. I turn to look at the singer once more and notice the stage has turned into a load screen. Odd.

I go to step out the door and get hung up on a bar stool. Damn not again.

I’m guessing the bartender is now ordering me out by his body language but I can’t tell because all dialogue has muted itself.

I awake in a cold sweat. Relieved to know I am not some tortured detective in some B Noir Film but saddened that I, again, woke up on the same planet as the game developers that made CSI: Three Dimensions of Murder.

Shut up, you. Wrong CSI

CSI: 3 Dimensions of Murder is based off the hugely successful original CSI television program that ran a jaw-dropping 15 years (2000-2015). Ted Danson was even in it at one point? And Elisabeth Shue?? AND Laurence Fishburne!? Where was I for all of this?

Heyyooo forget 911. Somebody call the fire department

So anyways – Ted Danson, Elisabeth Shue and Lawrence Fishburne weren’t around to save CSI: 3 Dimensions Of Murder. Not that it was the casts fault. The voice acting for its time is pretty good. I mean compared to a lot of shit I’ve played it holds up. But the game is just so damn buggy.

Developed by American developer, Telltale Incorporated (known for their licensed game efforts, The Walking Dead arguably being their most notable) and published by Ubisoft it was released for Windows in 2006. Later ported to PS2 on September 25th 2007. Which is probably why the game is so close to being good and falls short.

Telltale surprisingly went defunct in 2018
Chances are if you’ve never heard of Ubisoft you could give a shit about this article in the first place

The writing is good. It has five cases (which seems a bit small but they are pretty dense stories packed with twists like your typical CSI show). The voice acting is solid. Some of the shit the suspects say is hilarious and boss like this prime example of fed-up-with-the-world-biatch:

Grrrrrrrrl power

What’s frustrating about the game is that the only reason is it takes long is the constant load screens. Even for its era – even if it was early PS2 era it would have too much load time. Let alone 2007. The “playable” crime scene areas are super small – and will have a ton of evidence all basically in one place. Which is fine. Being an older gamer I still love point and click exploration.

BUT what sucks you out of the game is that once you collect the evidence you immediately have to go to the lab to analyze your evidence. *Load Screen*. Analyze your evidence. Now you need to question your suspect again. *Load Screen*. Ask one question. Get another piece of evidence. Return to lab. *Load Screen.* Analyze Evidence. Suspicion arises. Need to question suspect more. *Load Screen.* Question suspect. They tell ya to piss off. Now you need a warrant. *Load Screen* interrogating is granted. *Load screen*

I think you get the point. For every hour I play I might actually get about 35 minutes of gameplay in. That’s like fucking college loan interest rate ratio shit. It’s a six hour campaign but with load times you’re looking at sixteen.

So… aside from that… the controls are horrible. You can see a splatter of blood but ya just can’t… nope… little to the left… shit…to the right…fuck… back to the left. Got it. Sure is hard handling a Q-TIP out in the field.

After all of that – if you can get past it – and that’s a legitimate IF – it’s still pretty fun. Just don’t expect to solve any cases in a hurry. – Periwinkle

(DEFINITELY DON’T) PEE IN THE POOL

*Crickets*

Absolutely nothing. Either:

A.) People don’t give a shit about this post (Likely)

B.) Nobody ever played this game (Less likely but still up there)

C.) Both (Most likely)

*Womp – Womp*

Periwinkle’s Lowing Hanging Fruit Punch Ingredients

1.) A small chunk of fur from Parka (Cold Winter)

2.) A thimble of Jack Bauer’s sweat (24: The Game)

3.) A can of Reservoir Dog Food (Reservoir Dogs)

4.) A handlebar mustache (American Chopper)

5.) Blood of a Backstreet Boy (American Idol)

6.) An impossible to control Q-Tip (CSI)

Follow me on social media if thats your thing: https://linktr.ee/DarkCorners

Definitely not the reason I do this BUT if anything I write brings you joy and you felt like buying me a cup of coffee in return I would appreciate it wholeheartedly. https://ko-fi.com/colinsik

Thank you to The Dame With The Moth Wings for letting me pollute her space and tell Sunny that I already taught one of his precious Chinese crocodiles to play the harmonica.