Tag: Evil

Gotta Steal them All: Pokémon Fire Red Rocket Edition

Prepare for Trouble! Horsea use Bubble!
 To protect Kanto from Devastation! To steal peoples pokémon across the nation!
To denounce the evils of Oak and Lance!  I now play a Rom-hack on Gameboy Advance!
Pinkie
Plays!
Team Rockets  New Rom-hack of Fire Red!
So boot up the Rom.. and start with a rat!

Pinkie! Reviews that!

For the first time since pokémon Gold, I am a male Pokémon Trainer! And not just any pokémon trainer.. A Team Rocket Grunt… with pink hair! His name is Pinkie… how fitting! Pinkie is not me because he is one mean S.O.B… well he had the chance to be either a good spirited Rocket who doesn’t steal much Pokémon or be one who steals everything.. given how this game is actually about being evil it did not seem to make sense to go with the goody two-shoes route as it would invalidate one of the special mechanics of the game.

That would be kind of like installing a mod in Skyrim that improves human custom characters.. and then you play an Argonian. Or installing an extra hard difficulty level.. and then play on Normal. So this Pinkie had to be one S.O.B.  But let me stress that this guy is not me! He gets a Rattata out of a box of Rattata as we start our adventure in the Cerulean Game Corner Rocket Hideout.  That is such a clever idea! We also meet Ronnie.. an enthusiastic looking fellow that is a new recruit as well. He teaches that since we are lowly grunts we can only steal from young children and old people! As we can intimidate those into handing us their pokémon!

He takes me out to Celadon City Square and we find a girl playing with her two new pokémon she got for her birthday! Rattata  beats up  her Pidgey and her Spearow and I get to steal one of her beloved new friends!…Oof This is going to be harder than I thought. I just have to remember I am not this Pinkie! I reluctantly steal her Pidgey. Troughout the remainder of the adventure I would never steal from someone who only has one pokémon. Because Ronnie stole her Spearow.. leaving the girl with 0 friends.. the poor thing.  I wasn’t even going to use the Pidgey but I had no choice!  I decided to nickname my Pokémon very random names. Like Xibu and Ipsor.. just a random collection of consonants and vowels so I don’t see them as other peoples pets! Still getting Pokémon this way is kind of interesting! It reminded me a bit of the Coliseum games! Yet more evil! A few towns in and I was stealing left and right.. with the only rule never to leave someone without a single pokémon! Because everyone deserves a friend!

Otherwise I tried to be as evil as possible.. in a game where you have to be mean , you better be mean so I beat up people’s boyfriend, I snatched someone’s gold tooth , I robbed a Pokémart and more! Evil. it pained my heart at times but sometimes it felt good! like when I stole a hooker from a Pimp and gave her a better life in a pokécenter whose Nurse Joy was fed up with it all. It felt wrong.. but also right! I was so happy I was a male trainer.. because this guy was not me! He was someone else.. that became my most important rule in this game and I would need it for the story that was to come.

Pokémon Fire Red: Rocket Edition follows the story of Red and how he stops Team Rocket and Giovanni’s scheme to take control of Kanto and the Pokémon Mewtwo. Yet we do not follow it through the eyes of Red.. we follow it through the eyes of Pinkie who is not me! Fresh off the boat we get send to Mount Moon to obtain some fossils when the group gets stopped in their tracks by a Spikey Haired kid with a Wartortle and an even stronger kid with a cap and Charmeleon. We then get to meet Giovanni for the first time who wonders why these two kids have War-Pokémon. We then realise something.. the world Red sees is not the actual world. It’s the world through the eyes of a kid the actual world is much more dystopian. Bill, Oak, Blaine, Surge, Koga heck even that old guy with back troubles in Viridian city.. everyone has secrets but they would never tell that to a kid. The kid would not be able to comprehend… He also never really speaks to asks questions he is just a good boy to Oak.

It doesn’t take long for us to meet Bill. Apparently Blaine had been making Porygon for Team Rocket.. as a way to provide them with income..having an infinite supply of porygon for their game corner ..so people waste their cash for such a rare but secretly not so rare pokémon.
Since Blaine is to scared to help the crime organization we have to ask Bill.. bribing him with some goodies which include two tickets aboard the S.S. Anne Cruise. He doesn’t like that gift ..but he likes the other stuff we give him so it’s all good. We also sell trade steroids to LT Surge so we can use the SS Anne to smuggle Pokémon.. stuff like that. Yet we discover there is more about Team Rocket than we originally thought. They are not just criminals.. they want an Independent Kanto. We find out that Kanto lost the great war to Johto and it’s general Lance has taken over from the Elite Four of Kanto. Oak, Fuji, Giovanni.. and Shingeki.. or something.. a name I keep forgetting and that doesn’t come into play until much much later.  During the war these were involved to create the ultimate weapon. A Pokémon that could destroy Lance.. based on the DNA of Mew.. codename Mewtwo.

I will not spoil the story any further but for those interested in finding out I am more than willing  to spoil on demand, let me just say that the story of this game is quite amazing. It utilizes so many fan theories along side with later made revelations. We see how Silver became the douche he is in Pokémon Gold and Silver, seeing the toxic relationship with his father Giovanni and his mother Arianna. We see the man Giovanni and his convictions to bring back the Kanto he once loved through extreme measures. We even see the dark side of Professor Oak. No one in the Pokémon World is a saint. The team Oak had in Blue and Red that got scrapped but still was in the code..comes into play here. We see Oak use these pokémon. We see why  characters walked away from the Mewtwo project and we even see what link that old man in Viridian city has with the creature on the east coast of Cinnabar island. There is so much lore here, it is very impressive.

The game offers some interesting new mechanics. Due to how easy it is to steal Pokémon, managing your team is quite a bit harder. We get less XP , Less Money and more Pokémon.. as a Rocket it doesn’t take long to feel like we are behind the curve in levels.. to reflect your status as a Rocket.. we may be able to beat trainers but it’s a lot harder for us than it was for Red.  There is a promotion system that actively changes our sprite as we move from Grunt to Executive to Admin and even beyond. 

Ranking up allows us to steal pokémon from a wider pool of trainers. Like Teens and girls when we become an executive, males when we become an Admin.. and eventually we can even steal from Gym Leaders and Elite Four members. Yet there is always an upside and a downside to things. Steal a Pokémon from a Gym Leader and you do not get a Technical Machine. Get a high enough bounty and team rocket will reward you with powerful battle items like a life orb, or a kings rock. Keep your record clean long enough and the police might reward you with an Exp Share, A lucky egg or powerful moves.

So there are several ways of power, the Rocket way allows you to battle more viciously while the good way makes the game a bit easier.. as if you where playing an actual normal main character.  It is also interesting how the world acts around a character that in the original game would be considered an “npc”. You can not get the coin case you normally get because that is meant for Red.. people do not want to give it to a Rocket Criminal. People rip on Surge gym puzzle because when you are not a kid you realise how stupid that particular puzzle is.  We see how people interact with you while you do not have a trainer passport.

We do not have a pokédex either so our inventory feels so weird. As a result this game feels so unique yet so familiar and right. A lot of thought went into this and while the plot really delves deep into fanfiction and fan theory .. every piece of dialogue and every option you have fits into that.. they even go as far as to explain why mechanics in the original games worked like they did.. stupid little things you never wondered about suddenly fall into place. To a certain extend even going as far as to explain why Samuel doesn’t know his grandson’s name.

This game is such an easy recommendation to anyone who loves the franchise but thinks it’s just a bit to kiddy and to lighthearted. It’s great for anyone who thinks Pokémon is just a bit to easy. It’s amazing to everyone who at least knows the story of the first generation a bit basically. It’s infinitely better if you read some theories though, Missing No for example is a story element, if you at least know how to get it things will resonate more strongly.  If you noticed that Blue suddenly stopped Raticate in his team and afterwards he can be found in Lavender city.. things will immediately click.. it’s faith has always been a popular theory but here you finally get the talk from the other side. We see why Blue is so bitter and why he eventually becomes the Viridian Gym Leader. There is so much to experience..and for an amateur it’s just .. a simple more mature version of pokémon with a crime mechanic.. for those who know Kanto trough and trough.. this is the ultimate fan fiction experience.

The strongest point is the story, but also the gameplay has been updated. Even though it’s fire Red.. all the 18 typings, including fairy types and new movesets exist. So they even dealt with my biggest gripe, having to remember old systems. Special Attack and defence is split,  moves can hit physical and specially regardless of their type and all those things have been brought into pokémon as we know it. Add a backstory in the veins of.. Pokémon as we  suspect it was.. and a twist story that reveals the existence of a counterpart of Mewtwo and these are a few hours well spend to anyone who either watched the first pokémon movie or played the first game. The more you know about Pokémon the more there is to love!  I had a blast! Even if my character ended up in jail for 46 years!  That’s a good thing.. he was a bad man.. and definitely not me! He got what he deserved.. and with this game. .as a fan I got what I deserved too!

This game is such an easy recommendation to anyone who loves the franchise but thinks it’s just a bit to kiddy and to lighthearted. It’s great for anyone who thinks Pokémon is just a bit to easy. It’s amazing to everyone who at least knows the story of the first generation a bit basically. It’s infinitely better if you read some theories though, Missing No for example is a story element, if you at least know how to get it things will resonate more strongly.  If you noticed that Blue suddenly stopped Raticate in his team and afterwards he can be found in Lavender city.. things will immediately click.. it’s faith has always been a popular theory but here you finally get the talk from the other side. We see why Blue is so bitter and why he eventually becomes the Viridian Gym Leader.

There is so much to experience..and for an amateur it’s just .. a simple more mature version of pokémon with a crime mechanic.. for those who know Kanto trough and trough.. this is the ultimate fan fiction experience. While strongest point is the story, but also the gameplay has been updated. Even though it’s Fire Red.. all the 18 typings, including fairy types and new movesets exist. So they even dealt with my biggest gripe, having to remember old systems. Special Attack and defence is split,  moves can hit physical and specially regardless of their type and all those things have been brought into pokémon as we know it.

This game is us!.. Pokémon as we  suspect it was.. and a twist story that reveals the existence of a counterpart of Mewtwo and much more! These are a few hours well spend to anyone who either watched the first pokémon movie or played the first game. The more you know about Pokémon the more there is to love!  I had a blast! Even if my character ended up in jail for 46 years!  That’s a good thing.. he was a bad man.. and definitely not me! He got what he deserved.. and with this game. .as a fan I got what I deserved too!

I got everything I expected and so much more! There are some glitches..but for what this is I could not expect more!

I would like to thank you all for reading! Feel free to ask questions about the game if you are interested! Or tell me your experience with in the comments. Did you feel as badly as I did when you stole pokémon?! Do you not like to steal? Do you prefer to reverse steal?! Well have I got good news for you! I have a Ko-Fi thingamajig! Just saying! Not robbing you here!

This is now a button!

Pinkie’s Guilty Pleasures: Birdemic Shock and Terror

Hello Island Guests,  what originally began as a spotlight for movies which do not get not enough love has since turned in me discussing the weirdest shows, campiest movies and discussing some notoriously bad movies! The content-cocktail of today features the latter. Join me on a wonderful trip as we discuss. Birdemic Shock and Terror.

This post has lots of YouTube Clips so it is best viewed on the site instead of WordPress-Reader.

In 1963 Alfred Hitchcock made the movies “The Birds” a claustrophobic horror movie about killer birds. We haven’t seen a lot of that since.. of course there was a sequel but the scenario of evil avians has otherwise gone relatively unexplored. However in 2010 James Nguyen thought, what Alfred can do so can I! That old movie did not feature aggressive enough birds! What about if we give them acid spit! Let them explode on impact and give them airplane sound effects?! What if this is a movie about ecological changes, with heavy themes on how we mess up nature.. and big forests fires,beach scenes and of course this only should happen in the second half of the movie! The first half.. we’ll just do some random dating and social life stuff for our characters.

This movie is absolutely bonkers and I love it! This movie is SO bad.. that it’s on YouTube in its entirety. Several Times! It has been so for years as well. The oldest version I found stems from 2013. So for the very first time ever you can watch the entire movie on Pinkie’s Paradise if you wish.. at the end of this post! While I will also show you some amazing scenes from the movie! So if you want to be surprised and want to spend 90 minutes in shock and terror, although for the wrong reasons! Go below first and then come back to me! Now that the spoiler warning has been given it is time cringe!

This movie was clearly inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s great film and it happily pays tribute to it. Alan Bagh plays Rod (he has no last name) the main character of this movie. A guy that walks so stiff he might be a terminator. Rod  though  is also the name of the male lead actor Rod Taylor who played Mitch Brenner in The Birds.  The best friend character in Hitchcock flick is played by a woman named Suzanne and in this movie the female friend character is named Susan. The music on the title crawl seems like something from Hitchcock’s time rather than a 2010 movie and of course Tippi Hedren is in both movies. She plays the lead in the 1963 movie and in this movie, archive footage of her is used on a tv while female character Nat is getting naked.  That same Nat is being portrayed by  Whitney Moore, who will voice Navi in something called “The Zelda Project: The Final Battle”. She also played Jeanette Voerman.. the sexiest female voice I ever heard say the word duckling! And she is in this .. piece of trash!

The voice who plays Jeanette and Tippi Hedren on the screen! Miss Tippi Hedren people!

Now this movie basically IS The Birds.. but a modern retelling of it, done by a mad man, who may be a genius! It mimics the classic, pays tribute and even uses some names involved in the original, yet it never escapes the level of college student film and that is at it’s best moments. It is as if you read Moby Dick and we now hear it trough the bird. Instead of Call Me Ishmael we get “WARK!”  Ishmael! Yes wark! All parrots are classic Chocobo. The beauty of this movie though is that we get that sensation as well “Hitchcock through the eyes of a madman”. I wouldn’t call James insane.. but this is hitchcock fan fiction turned into a movie.

The movie starts with some Oboe or Clarinet music. We see a car drive on a road while the credits scroll by. Aside from the actors James Nguyen did just about everything else. Which is always a good sign when you are looking for a bad movie. After just about forever we see the first character shot. Rod is walking on the streets like he just duked his dungarees before he enters a diner. A blond girl says Hi to him.. and at this time (4:40 in) we know that this movie is nothing like we have seen before. The audio quality of this opening scene is WORSE than who Killed Captain Alex. The girl has been dubbed over in post without adding room tone or background noice and she spikes the mic as well as it had to be turned up because we hear an enormous amount of static. Rod talks back to her in the original audio roll though so suddenly the background noise drops.  In a barely audible accents she hands him the menu and tells him she will be right with him.. yet everything seems off in this scene.Everything! Do not believe me?! Well here’s the scene!

Rod sees Natalie in the diner and apparently he knows her from being in highschool together with her and he falls in love seeing how pretty she has become. After some extremely weird dialogue where they don’t exchange names and don’t really seem to remember each other anyway.. they tell each other where they are from..which makes little sense since they were in school together? They talk about what they do now..and apparently Nathalie is a model.. and to be fair she is pretty. She has a job though so they exchange business cards as they leave.  Rod does the poo walk again watching some tv where clearly the sound is coming from another location as it talks about dead birds and sea ice melting killing the polar bears. Eight minutes in the first foreshadowing of birds happen and only 36 minutes left to the first action scene.



This first half really meanders on with Rod and Nathalie going about their daily lives. Rod plays basketball where at random intervals there is street noise and sometimes there is not. Nathalie models which in the same scene sometimes is a montage and sometimes it is not.  They go eat in a restaurant with a scene that is so painfully overlit from one angle and so studio lit on the other that it feels as if it’s a green screen and directions make no sense. Even though at times we see it shot at location.. it feels very fake.. which is quite amazing.  Rod has great character traits such as liking football and working out. Nathalie is deep.. liking movies and going to the club with her friends. Oh and both are great at their jobs! Not long after they stroll the street together and we get to see how the birds in this movie will look like.

I think they are parots.. the green things!

These are the BEST looking birds you will encounter in the movie  the others look worse. Also sorry for the bad screenshot this was my best take out of 8 . There is something very uncapturable about it.  After this though there is 25 more minutes of dating left before this movie gets anywhere. They go see an Inconvenient Truth in the theather and  all decide to go eco friendly. Now so much seems wrong with this. First the movie is set in 2008 or 2009 I think .. so the movie would not run in theaters and why would you take your date to that movie! A friend of Nathalie who runs a company whose logo is just Inner Peace.. printed on a sheet of A4 paper and her shirt gets turned on by the movie and wants to uncage another form of bird. All again with the horrible audio of background noise fading in and out of dialogue.  When Rod talks you might here the road in the background. When Nathalie talks there is nothing, sound spiking all the time.. and then when we finally reach the 45 minute mark after some very tame scenes and weird audio it all gets a lot worse.

After the sex scene between Rod and Nathalie suddenly we get a completely different movie.  With the sound of fighting planes birds begin to kamikaze attack humans. Some are big enough to explodify an entire neighborhood, others are tiny birds who just set the metal of a fuel pump on fire. No gas explodes.. just a part of the metal while that catches fire. The pair fresh from their lovely night together and sleeping in a motel for no real reason it seems, decide to barricade themselves in because suddenly the birds can no longer explode and they just make a sound that sounds like a seagull swallowed a chew-toy. They have gained the power to aimlessly flutter like a helicopter now.. as they menacingly screech on. Magically Rod and Nathalie get dressed while their bed is still shielding explosive birds ..that won’t explode from entering to their front door. Obviously they would not bother with the other windows etc.

The pair wonders why the birds attacked and why they stopped attacking, a metaphor for this elusive and deep plot! Why does it happen?!  Why does it stop? There are no answers in live so there are no answers in this movie. The pair flees from their confines to randomly knock on only one door.. the one door that holds other people! Rod lost his car keys.. for no reason! Did the birds take it? No they weren’t there when all the sex began.. did he just lose them?! He had an expensive looking car.. maybe it got stolen? No he says he just lost the keys?! Oh well!  They meet Becky and Ramsey a couple that also spend the night there.. they have a minivan the group has to reach but the birds can be back any minute.. so they need to take some weapons along.  Some flimsey coathangers will have to do.. and while they race to the minivan and get attacked we get to see the BEST scene of this movie.

Horrible Cinematography, overly lit, poorly mixed audio, bad dialogue, weird sound effects, atrocious cgi.. it is all here in its full glory! This is Birdemic. This is so poorly done it must have been done intentionally so.  Even I can genuinely do  a better job than this and my filmmaking knowledge is very limited. Yet somehow there’s something so sincere in this seen. It’s not the acting .. but it’s as if the actors are trying to sell this stuff.  There are no.. “oh Arceus why did I sign up for this” faces they do give it their all… sure they are more bland than Jeremy Irons Cereal but they do their job without complaint as a result this scene is just mesmerizing. An eternal enigma.. how could this come to be.

It only gets weirder as apparently once inside the van Ramsey and Becky have a pistol and an assault rifle laying in there. With near infinite ammo to boot! Rod is fine with that and takes a gun without complaining. I know they are being attacked by eagles and all but one would wonder why would leave somebody leave a fully loaded assault rifle under their front seat and are they good people?! Well like anything in this movie it seems unlikely. Of course they find some children surviving .. crying for their mommy for about 12 seconds before playing on a PSP and complaining they are hungry. These children are the WORST child actors I have ever seen so that results into something amazing.

I am not sure these even are childeren.. they might be aliens!

What follows is a slew of hilariously bad moments as now this movie is catching steam. Becky dies while taking a poop, a bird flies into her and within two seconds she is dead. Ramsey saves a bunch of people on a English tourbus before he gets covered in some kind of acid these birds can throw up. The camera shows his dead body in three separate positions while already dead and unmoved. There is even a show where we focus on a woman’s corpse.. which is paused footage by the way because obviously they could not hold their breath with their mouth opens and eyes opened for 3 seconds.. which shows the camera man’s feet in the shot. Epic!

They then decide to Picnic at the beach because the  children are hungry…. before talking to a science guy who frowns upon human ecological behavior. The whole world is empty or supposed to be.. hiding in fear of the birds but we can see people walking their dog of flying a kite in the background. This also happens several times when they are on the road.. we see cars pass by regularly as they fight for their lives and birds allegedly killed everything! Top Tier Immersion!

Stores are open hmmm I could go for a dog with let’s risk our lives for one!

The political messages in this movie are also hilarious. Apparently Ramsey was just a good guy.. he was a veteran in Iraq who just wanted peace more so he quite.. that’s why he has the rifle… They get robbed by a Texan man in a gas guzzling pick up truck, who gets his comeuppance a mere minute after his crime and we see a hippie living safely in a forest until it catches fire for no reason at all. This basically feels like an elementary-schooler’s take on nature and pollution. It is so in your face and vexing that it would be a hilarious drinking game. Each time they can descent you or are all super mega eco-friendly.. take a shot.. you’ll be vomiting acid before this movie is over. Each time you see a continuity error take a sip.. you might be hospitalized because there honestly are more shots which have something wrong with them than not. 

Somehow even the hippie looks fake

The best part is the ending… there is non… well they get their happily ever after until part two but for no reason at all the birds just leave. There is no big trigger there is no resolve. They just go to another beach, which is the exact same beach of course, and they see the birds fly away. The movie ends because it wants to end. There is no end of the journey, no lesson learned and no strong new bonds formed. Nathalie and Rod now just stand on a beach after hearing a lot of eco babble with their freshly adopted kids. Who make Rod’s poo walk seem like a cool trait. The Danger Will Robinson robot or Betty White would have been able to play more believable children than these two soulless abominations.

Even Rod’s neck looks fake..and those kids like maniacs

There is not a single good thing in this movie.. but it is tremendously fun to make your own stories. Ramsey and Becky are actually serial killers. The boy was found in a trunk so he was actually a kidnapping victim. The girl is possessed by a satanic force that’s why she sounds so weird. No matter what you imagine it will make this movie better! And that makes this such a hilarious mess to watch! Now if you haven’t had enough or skipped ahead to avoid spoilers I shall present you with the entire movie! You can thank me in the comments! If this post gets enough likes I might review the sequel as well. As for me I will go take a walk in the woods! But with animals becoming more bold while we hid away I better take a coathanger!

Final Score

Mana Potion or Money Sink? Pinkie’s take on Remakes

When it comes to video game remakes people love to tear it apart. It’s nothing like the classic or it is an easy cash grab move made by greedy people are amongst the most heard complaints. Yet a remake can be so much more. It’s all dependent on what lens we are looking trough. Since we all should stay inside there is no need to put on those pitch black sunglasses. Let’s put on some rose tinted to goggles to give your house and your games a fresh new look shall we?

Evil Corporations

Nowadays we treat Capcom or Square Enix  or anyone reissuing anything, as the evil corporations once only depicted in games. The legendary RPG maker is giving us two games  (maybe more) instead of one… They want to empty our pockets three times over. They Remake the third resident evil game in the same style als RE2… thats so easy.. it’s just because they want money.  While to an extent that might be true it also is not. Gaming has evolved, development is easier and done on a much larger scales. Companies don’t have to pay 6 employees they have to pay 100.

Back in the days not a single developer was like “we don’t care about money.. all we want to do is create good games.. let’s wait a few years and then release the one because it feels right. No! Teams were small, the same squad working on  Chrono Trigger would have to be put on the next game as well. That’s why releases where few and far apart. They aren’t more money hungry now, earning money is what they exist for, that would be like calling an alarm clock evil for waking you up every morning!

As it stands there is a lot more money to be made in the industry and would you own the company you would do the same, we all pretend to be better but if we ran a company we would want to get as much profit as possible as well. If we would not we would fail. In fact it is because they gain so much money games have developed so fast. It brought us in the amazing world we are in today. Back in 1996, if I did  not like the newest Final Fantasy I’d have to wait for years.. hoping one MIGHT come again.

Nowadays, Final Fantasy XV comes out and it’s not for me..but I know that I will get a game I like in some shape way or form. Few years later I got treated to Final Fantasy VII Remake! I am thirty three years old and I am well into my “been there done that years”, new games do not feel new to me anymore yet thanks to remakes, I can still enjoy modern gaming without it feeling to samesie..because somehow Nostalgia cancels that. That doesn’t sound evil to me that sounds smart.

Magic

I believe each and everyone of us has a saturation point. Bob can play twenty demon based first person shooters before beginning to notice the twenty first really looks like Doom, the first one he played. The twenty second is..surprisingly similar to Hexen. Johny might be a bit more of a sourpuss and will notice Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley after just two games.I believe people reach a saturation point for new IP’s or franchises at one point. The better the originals in a genre the faster it happens.

Take for example the Party Racer (Karting Genre. Mario Kart made such a strong base that only a handful could stand up to them. Crash Team Racing, Diddy King Racing and maybe those Sony and Sega Super star racing games are in general the only ones people think can stand up to the big one.  No one really likes Little Big Planet Kart or that Shrek karting game.

I have reached that Mario Kart level, with many genres, I experienced games I found so good, that the new stuff doesn’t impress me as much. This isn’t even because I am cynical, this is because I gamed for over 25 years. Just like people remember their first kiss more  fondly than their 37th. While new games and franchises can still be great, they can’t be magical to me anymore.

The remake of Toad’s Turnpike wasn’t as good! But there was magic.. and blue shells!

Remakes however still contain that magic, because that magic was never in the game itself.. it is within ourselves, within our minds. We only have so much magical memory to give away, our sense of wonder unfortunately is a finite resource and a good remake or even a half decent one at that can bring back that magic a bit. Within limits, but more on that later. I am happy with a new Pokémon Game because it brings back the memories  and that magic, but even though I love my Snom and Falanks encountering them.. never feels like seeing Pikachu pop up in the grass for the first time.

Now as much as I like Red and Blue, Gold was the game I was much more aware of playing. Less overwhelmed more armed for the task. To this day I think Pokémon Heart Gold is the best pokémon game ever.. and with me many people agree. A good remake can not only bring back that magic but amplify it. They keep what work and make it better and maybe.. just maybe they can allow you to gain a bit of magic back to give..it will never be as much as you put into that game.. but by seeing what they did to make our beloved things better, we might appreciate that same more modern mechanic in things we did not believe were magic before. 

Best Remake, Best Pokemon Game, Best Boy Cyndaquil!

Bob and Sally

Now not all remakes invoke this sense of nostalgia. A lot of the Final Fantasy games for mobile do not work for me, the new Pokémon rescue squad is cute.. but I kinda prefer the original GBA version.  This applies to sequels even more. Vice City was the best GTA game in my book and while I still enjoyed San Andreas a bit and Chinatown wars, GTA IV and V did not do it for me anymore. Sequels carry over less magic than remakes, when I see Sobble, Scorbunny and Grookey I am like.. let’s pick the little crybaby thing it’s cute. When I played Heartgold and I saw Cyndaquil in it’s pokéball again I was like “It’s my BOY!”

Like meeting new people at a con is great, but meeting an old time friend you haven’t seen in five years is so much better. Remakes are harder to do right however. While we do not mind a new friend asking a bit of an odd question to us here and there.. with a friend of old we are much less lenient. We are easy to blame them or scold the, for doing something wrong. So how do you make a solid remake?! Well it’s time for another  analogy.

Gotta get some anime girl from these hits in somehow!

I could explain what exactly we want to see in a remake going in depth in the power of nostalgia. However I do not care for that and instead have opted for another route! We are going to imagine that first kiss again.. or your first crush I mean we are geeks, so no harm no foul if you have never been kissed. Imagine you are 15 or 16 and have your first real romance with a woman named Sally or guy named Bob. You share a magical moment together.. but as time is cruel, you move away.. or  maybe they do. Now 20 years later sit in a bistro or walk across the street when suddenly you see a familiar face. Now there are about three to four ways this situation can unfold.

I did not know this was a thing I just googled the names and this was all that showed up! ALL of it.

Option A: They are exactly the same!

Oh my Arceus! It’s Sally/Bob! They have aged but you can still recognise them and you proceed to talk with them. Things are just like 20 years ago.. a little to similar. While Sally obviously looks like a 35 year old and wears clothes of the time instead of those colourful nighties neon jumpsuits she still only talks about My Little Pony.. and I am not talking about the Friendship is Magic show from 2010 here! She keeps yapping about the 1986 one and refuses to acknowledge anything beyond that.  She also thinks cellphones are a bit to modern so she gives you her home address and home phone number so you can call there within a set time. Bob still has the exact same newspaper route and hangs out with the exact same people as he did in middle school. While it is nice to catch up again, you can’t help but feel they are a little bit sad and wished they would at least get with the time already.

This image makes sense if you watched HIMYM

Option B: They are completely unrecognisable?!

Remember Sally?! Well he is called Sander now, that my Little Pony thing they used to talk so much about has completely vanished, they did that to conform to their gender role back in the time, right now they are into dark and edgy stuff.  Sander is a Roadie to My Chemical Romance and a blacksmith in real life. While Sander might be a great person, he is in no way that person you kissed twenty years ago. Bob is DECKED out! He used to be a fat kid, who would shyly write you a little poem about your hair being winter fire, January embers, where his heart burns too.  Now twenty years later he is a buff billionaire, scrumptious to all the sheeple! He is people magazine’s most eligible bachelor of the year, everyone wants Bob now.. but it is not Bob… sure you might like to sink your teeth into the beefcake regardless.. but it’s not Ben anymore… I mean Bob! That magic isn’t there you just want to jump the bandwagon.

So After typing my chemical romance typing m behind it was enough for google to auto suggest this!

Option C: They Added to Much

Sally looks great, she got a facelift, she has plenty of new things to talk about, like a career fitting ot the times. However She now comes with sixteen cats. To be able to “play” with Sally you are going to have to make sure the cats are fed and satisfied.  The woman also developed an allergy to bought stuff, particularly that of a rubber persuasion. So to be able to enter the further stages of romance you will have to visit an Native American Shaman in order to craft the items you need to proceed. It really doesn’t fit Sandy to be like that.. I mean it’s not like she crafted all her my little pony stuff back in the day…but now since DIY is hip she suddenly is really into it..and you have to be too. Bob has a bunch of kids, one of each ethnicity and sexual orientation of course. In order to win Bob’s heart you are going to have to go bowling with one kid and treat the other to Taco Bell, the youngest needs you to play hide and seek with them. This is not what you signed up for! More stuff to do is not always better! Even if it’s modern and popular!

Do tedious things before you can play! Objective: Play with Kids

Option D: Bob and Sally Improved.

Sally is a lawyer now, Bob is a well paid male nurse. Both have clearly gotten a facelift, and some Botox. She is wearing a sexy dress that is in fashion and he has opted to go for a more classic look the fiber count in his suit is much better than they used to make it.. making it still feel contemporary. Sally still loves My Little Pony but she went with the time and talks about the actual Friendship is Magic show.  Rather than being called on their home phone you can now use modern technology to call them more easily or even send out a casual text message. While some locations you would use to visit when courting them went out of business you will just plan around it and make due with what you got. You might not be able to take them to the Drive In, like in those memories of old.. the new option of Netflix and Chill is pretty solid as well.

Okay Bob and Sally’s age is incosistent I know! But at least the movie title is relevant!

 Thief

In all cases I described above there is a case of subjectivity though. There is no universal measure for too much of something. There are plenty of people who want a remake to barely change anything, but if it’s to different for them they can still play the original. The remake still will invoke that desire to play that game. If you play the old one or the new one the remake can still trigger horus of fun, even if it is just by proxy bringing back relevance to that forgotten title. Some want to see something significantly different, if they can not get what they want either a new franchise will rise up to give these people what they want  (How Temtem caters to a specific demographic of disappointed pokemon fans for example) or someone in the comments will point you towards a game you might like who is similar but still different enough, allowing you to discover things that went under the radar. 

Remakes will always off something! At worst conversation! At best hours of joy!

Regardless if a remake is good or bad it brings activity to the fandom.It makes your favorite game either celebrated or talked about again.  Perhaps a new generation can discover your gem.. even if it has kinda lost is shine to you. While RE3 remake may be to short and to much like RE2 remake it will allow you to talk about Nemesis again. It opens discussion again if Claire or Jill is better. Just by existing regardless of quality. New games don’t do that!
Besides, maybe someone has not played RE2 before so this remake meant less to them than this RE3 remake did! When someone tells you about their first kiss with Sandy you don’t tell them.. Oh it’s Sander now.. you let them reminisce and enjoy. Who cares that you have to pay a few full games to get FF VII’s full story, each part has a lot more content and bang for your buck than many other games. You still have the option to play that story in one game anyway.  Some people are thrilled because now they get that magic they got all those years ago.. not once.. but multiple times! Do not hate on remakes for the sake of them being that.. because while it might just be a cash grab to you.. it is magic to some. While if you dislike it you can play the original.. or join a debate instead.. and you get robbed of something that could have been, by being a jerk and joining on reddit to prevent this sort of content in the future.. you might be robbing someone else of magic. I’d say that magic is a much more valuable good.

Ruin other people’s magic and Nemesis will come for you!

XO
Pinkie!

Pinkie Playing as Evil Minion Hero: Underhero

We have all played through our classic RPG’s .  Find the Three Crystals of the elements than you can access the castle to defeat the final evil. We have all been that hero and we loved it. Yet how did that world come together? Why is the crystal there? What happens to a magic world after the main character gets a game over?  Questions like these are answered in the game Underhero.

Hero-Villain-Hero

Underhero is an RPG that mimics the gameplay of the old Paper Mario RPG’s. To a certain extent. It was gifted  to me by a multifaceted ocelot, which is a close friend of mine. So keep in mind that I did not spend $15,- dollars on it.  Which may make me a bit more positive as I REALLY got my money’s worth. Is it worth 15 dollars? I’d say yes.. probably. This game can start out a bit rough, especially when you do not have an Xbox controller to hook up o your laptop like me. Still perseverance pays off , after having finished this game, up to a point where I only missed on a few achievements simply for not wanting to backtrack for stat upgrades I no longer needed.  I did most what this game had to offer and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I guess one facet of that ocelot is giving me good games. 

In Underhero you take on the role of a noble hero who is ready for the boss fight against the evil boss Mr Stitches. I figured he would whoop my ass and I would have to level.. much like what happened in the first Paper Mario. Yet two steps in and you die. A Masked Kid.. which is something like a Koopa or Goomba compared ot the mario universe..thinks outside the box and drops a chandelier on the hero. Now that the hero is dead your Boss Mr Stitches thinks he can finally conquer the kingdom of man.. so he sets the captured princess free as he doesnt need her anymore and assigns the masked kid.. which is now you.. to return the three magical stones that the hero needs back to their original bosses. When looting the dead hero though, the kid finds a talking sword hilt named Elisabeth IV who tells the Masked Kid he is now the hero who must defeat the dark and evil lord Stitches. And so begins your reverse quest that shows the logistic side of video games.

In Stitches, laughing out loud.

Underhero is not a serious game, it’s lighthearted and fun and spoofs yet embraces RPG traditions. We never knew but the evil rulers in video games have a complete business set up that deals with how to get certain minions at certain places. We  see how the castle houses the evil monsters in tiny apartments, we see they have a cafeteria and even unions. There are work meetings, office party and they even have Taco Tuesdays.. which are very beloved by the employees. If monsters are born with a different colour they either get send to another area or become a Miniboss.  This castle functions as your main hub from which you begin your adventure to return the stones for a new hero to come.. but to still defeat the bosses there so you level up.. that’s what really matters anyway. Elizabeth IV the talking hilt functions as your Navi you can even talk to her by pressing a button…but she gets very annoyed if you do this a lot. 

Elizabeth gets annoyed a lot because she has been through this a lot of times already. Each time you have to find a key she is annoyed, especially when things turn out to be more complicated as you originally thought.  Like when you enter a dungeon and can take an elevator to the boss floor.. but a fuse is blown, the fuse lays behind a door which of course is locked.. and the key gets hidden behind a racing event. The little hilt is annoyed how this always keeps happening to her and constantly berates any unoriginal events that happen in the game. As Masked Kid you are unsure where your loyalties lie.. Will you follow Elizabeth or  your widely beloved boss Mr Stitches. Not long after the first dungeon, Mr Stitches has become aware that the game is lasting longer than originally.. he now can actually start to siege the hero town hub.. but well since they never go on this long.. there is no more money. Budget cuts have to be made…. Taco Tuesday gets cancelled. Now that you realise how evil Mr Stitches truly is.. he really must be stopped or this cycle will continue forever. I truly enjoyed the corporate humor, this game offers and was oftenly laughing out loud. It’s silly but it really works.

Not very Heroic

Not playing a heroic character comes with a few advantages.  A fair few enemies are skippable because they do not think you are a threat.. after all you are a minion as well. If you want something from them you can always reason with them. Even when engaging combat you can small talk with them before you hit them. They will tell you rumors about treasures or maybe some lore.. which you may need later on. Enemies , except for smart enough sub-bosses will never attack you first.. you as the hero need to defeat them but they don’t know you are a hero. You might be a hero but your still you , you still served evil.. so if you do not feel like smacking your coworkers down or  if you are running low on health and do not wish to start a fight you can always try to bribe your opponents. Just toss a few coins at them and they will usually let you go… this is just a job to them after all. Since Elizabeth is just a hilt she can take on the form of several weapons. Her main form is a sword, for quick clashing action, a hammer for big damage or a slingshot to hit enemies that are far away.
Masked Kid is no slouch himself…. he can jump to avoid attacks or duck to avoid attacks. Outside combat he can climb vines and hover using his cape.. he is also pretty good at figure skating. Yes our little guy is an ice dancer. That’s……..

Gameplay, Control, Story.. seems about right

The game balances, sort of turn based,  battles with puzzle platforming and exploring. With just a hint of adventure gameplay. A combination that works out reasonably well. When controlling Masked Kid with a keyboard you will definitely notice you are dealing with an indie developer.  Paper Castle Games made a very good game but in terms of control and subsequent gameplay I had a few gripes. Jumping feels very floaty and when platforms are on multiple levels you can always walk through platforms even if the ledge you are standing on seems to have a solid edge. Key mapping to using potions on <- arrow made me waste a few potions, and the level up system is kind of off. Each level I could choose between three stat boosts, health, stamina and damage. Health upgrades are completely useless as they are found in abundance, stamina recovery you get trough dodging a lot which means you do not have to take a lot of them. As a result the game has this “unpolished” feeling throughout. It’s nothing that you can not overcome but since this game mimics Paper Mario so much you will notice this sure ain’t no italian plumber game.

Saving the world

I finished this game in about twelve hours and like I said I only missed some shield upgrades, as I mastered the art of parrying (and thus did not need a high hp shield)  and one weapon upgrade stashed in the apartments. The difficulty curve of this game I’d say is pretty perfect for what it is. Each time an enemy defeated me, a hindernis stopped me in my tracks or I died through a setback , I learned to understand those enemies better, discovered how a mechanic worked better and got closer to defeating the game.  Except for a certain rival battle , i dd not need more than three attempts maximum to get around anything. Which is perfect for me for a game like this. A funny and lighthearted game like this.. in which coffee works as a full restore and where punching clocks work as save points you should not have to dig to deep for results. It’s not a breeze but not a slog either. The final battle is incredible the whole idea that that final level a hero goes trough is only a certain area of the castle is hilarious to me as well. All in all just a very good but clunky game.

The five worlds you visit in this game are cleverly designed varied, though stereotypical, forest, haunted house, volcano, a sci fi water level, and the evil castle.  There is lot of fun to be had in each world. Along with some classic tedium and fetch quests, but that is part of the heroes life. Each world has their own unique little things,mostly show from their clever writing. An Ice Skating Party and House party in the ghost world, A moth with a split personality constantly showing up, a road block of labourers that want more Fedora’s or a Salsa Dancing spanish speaking enemy who is implied to maybe have a romance with the boss.  This game is best in it’s flavoring, it’s dialogue , it’s story and its general sense of humor. I thoroughly enjoyed this game, but less for for the gameplay and more so for everything else. It was a unique and charming adventure that can be a true delight if you are well versed in classic game tropes, this game’s world be very charming to you and you can surely enjoy it despite its flaws. If you do not care about story, do not read dialogues and just want a game to beat.. I suggest you look elsewhere. For a game filled with cute enemies there was not enough pink things though.

Flavour Time! Underhero scores :
A bit lighter on berries than my usual cocktails but still good!

Top 5 : Twisted Non-Ghost Pokedex Entries

Hey little subjects, sorry it has been a while, my kingdom is kind of falling apart as of late.  My trustworthy laptop Sir Lappington has broken.. or well at least it’s screen is gone and being an old troubled beasty, it is time to say goodbye. Not having money this process however is taking its fair share of time. Luckily a friend of mine we shall name Bear borrowed me a screen to hook up to it. Unfortunately a lot of time is now spend on making back ups, finding new laptops and liberating money. So expect a bit of an irregular upload schedule for a little while.  Today however I have a brand new top five for you, something that fits my somewhat glum mood. The top 5 darkest pokedex entries. Yet there is a twist, because all the darkest pokédex entries and the most well known ones are ghost types. So today we will focus on the others!

Twisted Entry Number 5:  Metapod

Most of you know Metapod, the Gen I cocoon pokémon that probably annoyed you as a kid because it only knows .. or at least spams harden. It  only moves very minimally and if you catch it .. it doesn’t move at all . Pokémon Snap showed us how it can descend from a tree using string shot but even then it just descents not moving a muscle.  If you think that is because it’s a cocoon and I can not move, you are wrong. According to the Pokémon Sun pokedex and I quote: 

Its shell is filled with its soft innards. It doesn’t move much because of the risk it might carelessly spill its innards out.’

That’s right subjects if this little green bean looking thing tilts over it’s innards will spill out. Which are so soft they are basically a liquid. While Pokémon Moon describes the shell as breakable.. which would be a major problem for this pokémon, so it has to avoid massive battles,  Pokémon Ultra Moon adds a bit to the darkness scale. It basically states that while tiny bird pokémon can not even crack its shell a tiny bit, that same attack will make it fall over.. causing its insides to spill out. While it’s not stated that Metapod would die from this.. losing your organs seems pretty fatal to me, yet even if we consider that it could do without looking back and it’s earlier pokedex entries state that is has to ready it’s innards for evolution. In other words IF .. and  we are already making things look brighter than they actually are here, Metapod doesn’t need its organs and it’s just evolution juice.. it still means that as soon as this pokémon tips over ONCE.. it can never evolve anymore and is always stuck as a unmoving Metapod. I do not know which fate is worse.

(So that makes this a Deadapod)

Twisted Entry Number 4: Slowbro

Another Generation I pokemon that got twisted by the wonderful minds that made the Gen VII dex entries is Slowbro.  You know that lovable pink goofball that evolves from a Slowpoke once it’s delicious tail has been bitten by a shellder? Well this  pocket monster has it rough. The synapses of it’s pre-evolution are already quite slow.. taking about five seconds to feel any form of pain, it’s a lovable goofball that just loves laying about and things do not seem to change much it just fuses with a Shellder into a symbiotic thing?  I wished for Slowpoke this was it’s fate, but unfortunately the pokemon Sun Pokédex Entry states:

It spaces out while gazing at the sea. With Shellder poison flowing through its body, it becomes even spacier.

In other words, Slowbro is a pokémon that is constantly to experience a personality diminishing high, as it does gain more intelligent .. for a brief moment as explained in Moon’s dex entry where it has a moment of clarity upon being bitten, but then all memories fade away. Slowbro is also one of the few Pokémon that can devolve if the Shellder on its tail ever lets loose. Which is neat for Slowpoke in the wild I guess but for a trainer that is absolutely terrible, other trainers can just knock of the shell to return it back to a mediocre slowpoke. Ouch…. well ouch after give seconds.However a Shellder doesn’t want to let go. Ultra Moon describes the Shellder on a Slowbro’s tail as a greedy being, who loves to suck more and more sweetness from Slowbro’s tail. Basically it’s addicted to the delicacy of Slowpoke tail.. and as we know Team Rocket cuts of these tails to sell them on the black market as high quality food as well so it all does line up. While Slowbro has some amazing stats  to work with it’s symbiotic relationship basically involves having , what little bit it had of, its personality being deleted by a constant poison in it’s system while it’s tail is being sucked dry of it’s essence. All it gets is one moment of enlightenment.. and that is gone after a few seconds. Poor poor Slowbro.

(Mega Slowbro …because Mega Evolution is cool kids!)

Twisted Entry Number 3:  Komala

The cutest little Koala pokémon you have ever seen is one that is arguably debatable. Komala does not suffer, probably, it does not experience pain, probably and it doesn’t seem to have a care in the world as it clutches to it’s little log like a baby to their first plushie. It is known as the Drowsing pokémon.. but that is a falsehood because Komala never drowses.  To drowse is to be half asleep and Komala is unable of that. The move Yawn can make a pokemon drowsy but this move doesnt work on Komala either. No .. it’s not an insomniac, that would be dark enough. It’s ability Comatose already reveals what you can expect but boy does Komala trump that name. Pokémon Sun quote incoming:

It is born asleep, and it dies asleep. All its movements are apparently no more than the results of it tossing and turning in its dreams.

While it is born into this world, Komala never EVER experiences this world. It will never wake, it will never know it’s trainers face and no one in the canonical world of Pokémon has EVER seen a awake Komala. The log is a gift from its parents which it clings onto in a dreamlike state. If the dreaming Komala gets close enough to their trainer.. or their dream interpretation of it , it will cling to them as well but never is it fully aware. It just dreams something that sort of aligns with reality. While Komala probably never really suffers, not experiencing reality seems like a pretty dark. The reason that this little grey fellow will never wake up is because it only eats the leafs of a plant that are a powerful sedative, as stated by Pokémon Ultra Moon. Komala’s fate is to fall into increasingly deep stages of sleep until it as Ultra Sun states..it stops moving all together. 

(Komala sleeps like a log..forever and ever..)

Twisted Entry Number 2: Bewear

Oh Bewear another Sun and Moon pokémon, (what else did you expect by now)  that has a very dark story to tell. This one however is not only telegraphed through the pokédex but troughout the entire Alola region. Warning signs can be found throughout the Alola region and  the theme of it’s entire evolution line is Irony. It starts out as a stufull a pocket monster based on a teddy bear that hates to be hugged or touched intensely.  Wielding tremendous power, it will flail about when hugged and those flailing paws have enough strength to take down a pro wrestler or even split trees in half.  Stufful is being described as an incredibly dangerous pokémon by the pokédex, clearly it doesn’t look like the face of danger. When it evolves however it gets a lot worse.

This Pokémon has the habit of hugging its companions. Many Trainers have left this world after their spines were squashed by its hug.

This quote is the Moon dex entry for the now bipedal bear. It is a pokémon that is SO strong.. it doesn’t even comprehend its own strength. The problem is, the pokémon now deeply desires to hug, therefore it’s habitats are off limit throughout Alola. Pokémon Sun calls it immensely dangerous while Pokémon Ultra Moon pronounces it THE most dangerous  pokémon known in the region. This would be okay for the pokémon I guess if it has a predatory nature, but it just wants love. This implies that this pokémon is doomed to be unhappy either way. Either it gives love and kills or it gets denied love and dies sad and alone. There is no winning here. In fact it knows it can not help itself but to claim a hug, and it tries to warn trainers by flailing it’s arm in an intimidating matter. It wants to love.. but it KNOWS that it love is deadly, yet it can not stop itself by its very nature . The final pokedex entry for Bewear goes :

It waves its hands wildly in intimidation and warning. Life is over for anyone who doesn’t run away as fast as possible.

Pokemon Ultra Sun
(Free is a big word when Hugs cost you your life)

Twisted Entry Number 1: Sliggoo

When this slug dragon was introduced in generation VI , it did not seem to have a lot of trouble. It’s eyesight was incredibly bad  and sure it could fire acids at his opponents that would dissolve stuff but we’ve seen worse. Sliggoo is the evolved form of Goomey.. the weakest dragon type pokémon (aww poor thing)  it’s just an orb of slime that needs to stay moist to be able to breath..it will suffocate in the bright sun (can you guess which version added that bit of trivia yet?) so it sticks to caves and damp places. As a result when it becomes a Sliggoo it’s eyes devolve rendering it virtually blind.  ‘Pinkie surely being blind can’t give it the top spot when we have a liquid organ thing and a permanently asleep pokémon there? That would be silly’ Well my friends.. it is time for YET ANOTHER Sun Entry.

It has trouble drawing a line between friends and food. It will calmly try to melt and eat even those it gets along well with.

While a Bewear will kill anyone…  Sliggoo eats it’s friends! Somewhere inside it’s brain can’t distinguish the line of food and friends and it cant even see what is is doing either.  How does he do it? Pokémon Moon has the answer : This Pokémon’s mucous can dissolve anything. Toothless, it sprays mucous on its prey. Once they’re nicely dissolved, it slurps them up. It can dissolve ANYTHING so you as it’s trainer are not an exception in fact if you walk with it it a lot.. leaving it out of it’s pokéball will spell inevitable doom for you as a trainer as  you are reduced to goo .. to be slurped up by your loving pokémon. It is unaware of what is is doing because somewhere in that brain of his .. friends equal food.. That’s seems like a pretty rotten fate to suffer to me. Having my spine snapped would at least be quick. Turning into pudding to be gobbled up seems like a pretty nasty way to go.  The biology of the creature is quite special too. It’s organs and brains are in the shell like goop glob on it’s back. Sliggoo also does not have ears or a nose, it uses some sort of radar system with its four horns. So while it can perceive you ..it has none of the tools to sense your distress. When it dissolves you it can not even hear you scream and it will proceeded to slurp you up happily.

(Taking love goes trough the stomach a bit too litteral there Sliggoo)

Question to my Readers:

What is your favorite Dex-Entry

Thank you Sun and Moon for those happy little images! You really know how to make a happy little game. While I do hope I haven’t traumatised my subjects beyond belief.. I am still a princess and really good at this so.. I will probably see you, after some hot cocoa and marshmallows, in the next post! 

The Pinkest Poké Blogger is blasting of again
XO
Pinkie

Theory: A post-apocalyptic world

Welcome to another post my little Monsters. Since 1996, 1998 or 1999, depending where in the world you are from, we have been referring to ‘the wonderful world’ of pokemon. Yet in today’s  Thursday’s Theory we will be taking a look at a contemplation of mine, which is shared by some on the net. However I decided not to take a look at these. So all evidence I bring for this theory is the ones I found by simply playing the original games and the original anime.

Some reservations before getting started
Alola in both anime and game has been shown to be fairly utopian, Kalos was quite decadent and nice as well so over time the vision on how the world of Pokémon should be has changed quite a bit. So the theory we will be addressing today isn’t really based on it’s modern intentions. Much of the Pokémon world were decisions due to its large success. Spin-off games and the explosive growth of the franchise would always have led to create a much more moldable world, a continuation of the rules established in Kanto would have driven the franchise against a creative wall. So for the purposes of this post, we will only look at the original games and the first ‘season’ of the series. Rather than asking if the pokemon world IS post apocalyptic, we focus more on the question if it was ever meant to be. 

Don’t expect anything like this, clearly this is untrue… Ethan doesnt wear his cap.

Evidence: No government
The ‘wonderful’ world of  pokémon, doesn’t seem to possess any form of government. The rules of the region seem to be established by the pokémon organisation. If that even is a thing. Though in Galar we can see a stricter hierarchy, in the original games and in the anime we never really see those who have decided that 10 year olds can travel the land with their pokémon. We see some chairmen around the time Ash participates in the pokemon league but that is about it. Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron de La Brède et de Montesquieu argued that a government should exist with three separate  forms of power. The legislative, the executive and the judiciary power.

Here I thought I could never give him Pokémon flavor? Why is stage 1 a cat though?

The first and the second barely seem present, if anything there is only the laws leading up to the Pokémon League and its organisation. Even if that is what goes for those powers, they are controlled by the same organ, the league organization, which is a no no. However there seem to be  no laws, except for some very basic criminal ones when it comes to non trainers. Everyone can open their own stores, there doesn’t appear to be any fines on polluting and trespassing etc, no gambling age or any sort of systems for civic control. The only law that does seem to exist is criminal law, and even that seems to mostly based on the common moral and values rather than hard written laws. All in all, the legislative force’s presence is neglectable in Kanto. Their judiciary force is up next, which quite honestly is a joke. In the anime, there basically only is Jenny who has to do it all. Yet like the lawmakers, there is little to no real influence. Though later in the series we are introduced to Looker and his organisation that try to prevent crime, which is a basic task of those who need to enforce justice, the Jennies seem to function reactively only. Their capabilities far beneath sub par, where in basically every instance we see them they do require some aid from our protagonist. To me it feels more like the officers are actually renegades trying to do the right thing, or something else I will talk about later. The executive force, why would it surprise anyone is also sorely missing. Schools, for non trainers aren’t a thing, like at all 10 year olds can travel the world using their Pokémon but later throughout the anime , and also in the game it’s revealed that there are even younger ones drifting on the road. There is educational tv and that’s about it.
In the games we at least have a trainer passport, showing some kind of governing agency to hand those out, but in the first game.. not so much, in the anime Ash just pins the badges to his vest and carries no form of ID what so ever. In no gyms do you actually have to identify yourself as a legit trainer and in the anime, Ash discovers the Pokémon League challenge by accident , seeing a poster, never it being his true goal. All in all it’s pretty solid proof that there is no government so at least there is something wrong with this world..

Bird-Jesus Champion of Kanto

Rumor: The War
Fact, Kanto has recently seen a war at the beginning of Red and Blue, and though people theorise Red is Ash’s father, I do not believe that theory for in the japanese game Red and Ash are both named Satoshi. No that is not a last name, he is named after Satoshi Tajiri the creator of Pokémon, Tajiri being his family name/ last name.  (In Japanese he is called Tajiri Satoshi) Since Red and Ash are thusly established as the same person it’s safe to say he would have seen the war as well. Lieutenant Surge is the one who talks about using his Pokémon in the war to zap his enemies into paralysis, yet it would be a war that did not do Kanto any favours. Perhaps Surge even belongs to those who ‘took over’ or deleted the Kantonian government. Making the Pokémon Organisation a potential antagonist. Evidence of this war is found throughout the entire game, evidence which would not fly nowadays cause it might not be totally PC. Kanto has a severe lack of adults, mostly of mature men above the age of 25 and below the age of  65. Given Lieutenant Surge’s age being mid 30’s at best, quite possibly younger this war could not have happened over 20 years ago. Since Ash father is nowhere to be seen, it would make very much sense if he was drafted, yet killed after he at least made Delia pregnant, meaning this war at least ended a little less than 11 years ago.

The Pokémon War Theory fits inside my theory…apparantly so does Bobba Fett

Whatever this war was about, it left deep wounds onto Kanto. Gyms are oftenly entrusted to kids, males are sparse and are often either extremely capable, like Koga and his ninja’s , beefy bulky sailors, or soldiers, warriors and the likes. Scientists are still there, but their role in a war would have probably put them out of harm’s way, But are these even kantonians?  Could it be that the scientists are the ones that took over, because Mew was in Kanto? It is no secret that Professor Oak would have a boss battle at the end of the game. Maybe Team Rocket are actually old world kantionian rebels fighting to regain their independence from the Pokémon company. It would explain why they steal Pokémon from the government, because they do want to topple the system. It would also explain why the want Mewtwo.. to prevent the government from abusing it. This might just seem like wild speculation, but let’s look at Team Rocket’s motto for a bit shall we? To protect the world from devastation!  To unite all peoples within our nation! To denounce the evils of truth and love!. These are the three lines that speak mostly about their intentions. Their original writing not a lot different except for the last line. In japanese they say’ To prevent the destruction of the world! To protect the peace of the world! To stand by the evils of love and truth!’
Rather than denouncing truth, they stand by it.So these people seem to fight for peace and against the furthering of the apocalypse. They also wish to let you know the truth!. Truth doesn’t sound evil.. but it IS evil if a lying organisation took over, which prevent the world from knowing the truth. So perhaps in this war, the League organisations took over, wiped out Kanto as it was before and Rockets are the (R)ebels to fight

Team Rocket being good is ASO a seperate theory… well apparantly I am onto something! Just look at theem being good!

The technology
Pokémon has always felt a little odd in the technical aspect, on the one hand, there is a company that is capable of dematerialising throwable pocket dimensions in your hand and store them in their grand database, as well as healing tables that seem to radiate healing energy inside those pocket dimensions. The common folk however have technology that seems miles and miles away from this. Your overruling company can send Pokémon through time, people rarely even have TV’s. Roads are barely being maintained, while the company is able to make life.
Cloning clearly is a thing, no matter what the Joys and Jennies say, they aren’t sisters. It has been ESTABLISHED in the world, that the Pokémon Company, which they work for have cloning technology as Mewtwo was a Mew clone and Ditto basically a failed mew clone.. manmade. To test it first on the legendary Pokémon that created all Pokemon live makes no sense, they must have test it on others first. ‘We are sisters’ has never really been proven in the series.
Technically even if cloned they would not even be lying coming from the same parent.. the Joy factory or whatever. Common sense would say that the likelihood of all Joy’s being 100% the same, would all end up in the same job but at different cities would be extremely flimsy at best. But no one notices.. because no one goes to school anymore to learn some common sense!If it was an anime only thing I could understand it being a running joke, but the same joke twice odd. Joy is funny because it could work due to sprites, but the same logic is not applied to anything else, hikers all look different in the anime. Jenny even is barely a thing in the game so why?!Because they are clones thats why! Just because a character says something, it doesn’t mean they have to speak truthfully. When Rose tells Jack she would never let him go, she was just saying something.  When Ash in the first episode of the series told he would swear he would become a pokemon master, he was kinda full of garbodor. Clones working for the evil company.. sounds pretty messed up and post apocalyptic to me, after all , all the other nurses and health care has gone away.

If you even doubt these are clones you might need some X Intelligence!

Much like in fallout, there is plenty of drugs that are commonly available as well. Steroids for your pokemon? No problem have some X attack, pretty much what Psycho is in Fallout, how about a PP up? Well that’s just some jet! What utopian world would allow you to alter your Pokémon’s core by pumping it full of medicine?  How about forcing it to learn moves it would not naturally learn by using training discs. Yet this is all technology that is readily available. However lights in a well traveled cave, roads to drive, no investment is made in that because it has nothing to do with Pokémon, so the company can’t do it therefore doesn’t care. Besides Gary’s car, we rarely see any technology that isn’t owned by the company.
No matter how you twist or turn things, something doesn’t add up in the difference in tech, the power balance shifted to an extreme, Gary proves that exist(ted)  but he again is linked to the company, for the power balance to tip so far in one direction, some big event must have happened. Where did all that normal tech go? Why is the gap that big? It doesn’t match with the utopian theme. Something bad must have happened

Propganda I say! Tech is only available to those who follow the will of the company!

Closing thoughts
Nowadays it seems unlikely that the organisation behind Pokémon is evil, look at how chill professor Kukui is, elegant stuff went in Kalos. Lance became a great hero, though all he ever did was face Rocket, which may have just been a resistance. Lorelei helps you in let’s go, but only to stop team Rocket.  But there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that gym leaders and elite four could be evil right? No one ever intended that?! …. Well if we follow the manga , they are all pretty darn evil. World ending and “I‘d have to murder your pokemon to stop you” evil.
However there is no way the company destroyed the world of Kanto and rebuild it in their image so they can just earn money and experiment with Pokémon right? There is no way professor Oak would ever be evil? Well he might have been, there was this boss battle… and he didn’t look too friendly with the sprite. So yes I do think it is entirely plausible that at some point in the development of at least Red and Blue , it was designed with a different vision than it has now.  Ideas that seeped into the world, however the project had been adapted because the game took on more hype then expected and might have been better than expected. Now i’ll finish this up, if iI have to think of a peaceful post apocalyptic world that is kind of nice to have fun in as a young boy…I would depict that in one scene. Four boys, walking on a railroad.

So my little monsters, that ends yet another blog on the subject of Pokémon. I really like dedicating myself to a subject , it may be niche but I do hope you enjoy some of my content.
Please keep reading in the  future, catch them all and most of all stay pink! Also let me know why you think Montesquieu evolves from a cat please!
X


What If: Red joined Team Rocket Part 1

Hello there my little monsters!
In my What If series we take a look at a familiar story, but apply some changes to the story. Since this is my first actual blog it makes sense that we start with the first Pokémon story as well, the story of Red as in the original games. Though the story began exactly the same and Red chose his charmander, and went on to defeat Brock and clear Mount Moon, everything you knew is about to be thrown out the window.
Because after he defeated blue, and the Nugget five, Red got an interesting offer, and this time, he will not decline.

Prepare for Trouble

A man in a trenchcoat approached Red after he had just defeated the fifth trainer of Nugget bridge, without to much trouble he might add. “Hey kid congratulations you have got some skill, here is your price” said the mysterious man while handing Red a little gold Nugget, who gratefully accepted to valuable metal. Wow, that was some easy money, this money could really let Red stand up against people who pestered him like Blue. “By the way kid, would you like to join Team Rocket, we could use someone like you” the man suddenly said. Taken aback by the offer Red was about to decline when a thought popped up in his head.
The way how Blue treats him, even if he was the better trainer, the way that weak old man had blocked his path when he tried to leave Viridian city, that guy who doubted he was strong enough to move through mount Moon, forcing him to deal with Brock.
No one had shown him much of the respect he by now should have started to earn. If the other trainers are as weak as these ones, there would not be a real thrill in battle. Perhaps this could solve all his problems. 
At that moment time seemed to stop as Red thoughts entered overdrive. Finally he would be able to command some respect, he and his Pokémon could train to be truly great. He did not need Professor Oak’s mission to complete that virtual encyclopedia, Blue was going faster than him anyway. The world had been rough to him long enough, it was time for the age of Red. ‘Yes… I will accept your offer’ Red said to the man his eyes shining with the same determination he had faced Brock with. ‘Ah excellent, well then if you follow me , you will meet our Boss and get your gear recruit!’. 
The criminal seemed excited guiding the kid back across the bridge, guiding him back to the foot of Mount Moon, where they would wait a while in silence, Red telling his Charmander what their new objectives would be.  Suddenly a man in an orange tailored suit would step out of the cave, a persian walking besides him, his skin tone darker than most of the region, more akin to something you might find to the south of Kalos. ‘So you are the kid who stopped our operation in Mount Moon.. but now you want to join us huh? Welcome to Team Rocket then Red… thank you for pointing out the rotten apples in our organisation’. Red just stood up and reached a hand out to the man, as they shook Giovanni looked at Red with a smile.’ ‘Get ready kid, because I got an important mission for you something I can not trust to these grunts of mine’

A talking Pokémon
After Red finished fitting his new outfit he approached Giovanni again, his new found demeanor allowed him to talk to the man rather casually. ‘So.. Boss…I guess? What do you want me to do that these clowns of you can not?’  Giovanni chuckled a bit before he spoke in his deep voice.’Well that compliment certainly went to your head very fast. I want you to go across Nugget bridge again, once you cross it head East and you will find the house of a man named Bill. I want him captured, he is the designer of the box system for Pokémon, with his help we can steal all the Pokémon that people hide in their pc’s without them even knowing, it will be glorious.’
Giovanni looked down at the 10 year old to see if he understood the mission, the boy reminded him of his own son Silver, whom he had left behind some years ago, but it was not only the sentiment that made Giovanni warm up to this boy, his years as a gym leader made it a very easy tell that this boy had potential. He would have been an eyesore if he would have kept interfering with them like he did in Mount Moon, so Giovanni would do what he always did, pay well and allow the young man to feel powerful, feed his ego to make him feel entitled. Red looked at the man, his eyes seemingly excited at the prospect of commanding respect, and stealing Pokémon away from that horrible Blue, he would  teach his rival to respect it. “Done Boss” Red said trying to sound casual. ‘Bring him to Celadon city, I will bribe the guards to let you trough, head to the arcade.. we will greet you there’. Giovanni dipped his head and began to wander off, after petting his Persian, which looked at Red callously. Red went on with the task, noticing now he walked in a rocket outfit, people were scared to challenge him. It felt good, instead of being looked down upon by these weaklings, with their Rattatas and Pidgeys they now finally saw him for what he truly was.
After defeating a camper and his girlfriend, just for the heck of it , Red arrived at Bill’s house. Choosing to use a Geodude he captured in Mount Moon to bash the door in , Red was ready for his success as he stepped in the doorway.
Inside the house was very cluttered a large machine with two chambers hissing and the sound of a computer running were all Red heard after the initial ruckus he had caused. No Bill to be seen though, but when examining the room he did see a Nidorino which was looking at him.“Hi I am a Pokémon, Bill is not at home right now, he is dating a cop and they will be back any minute now” the Pokémon suddenly said. Red looked at the Nidorino amazed, who start back at the black clad boy. While Red felt the R on his shirt, a smile creeped over his face as he reached for a Pokéball and ordered Geodude to attack the Nidorino. “Wait” the Pokémon yelled, but it was already to late, his breath was knocked out of him as the Geodude slammed itself into him, the Nidorino hit the wall. Dazed he tried to get up.. but suddenly the room around him began to spin and then there was no room at all.

Make it Double
The room came back as fast as it had disappeared. When the Nidorino gained back his sight and orientation he saw Red standing above him. ‘You are my Pokémon now, tell me where Bill is, I need to find him so my boss can access the box system he made’. The Pokémon knew he could never let that secret fall into the hands of team Rocket..but this one did not really seem to have a clue on what happened, for now he would just have to play along, he would escape as soon as he saw a chance. ‘I can not tell you, Master Bill forbade me to’ the Nidorino said somewhat wooden. Red driven by his desire to succeed and be respected to angry to notice the strange intonations just shouted at the purple monster. ‘You are my Pokémon.. Obey’.  The Nidorino just shook his head, with an angry yell Red called the disobedient monster back into it’s Pokéball. ‘Fine I will look for clues myself.’
Searching the room, he only found some computer entries of three elemental dogs, one lighting one fire and one water. Just as frustration began to get the best of him, he noticed a booklet, with a ticket to a cruise ship on it, one ticket seemed to have been torn out already. ‘Hmmm the SS Anne huh…. I bet Bill is sipping some champagne and caviar boasting about his fancy system’ red said to himself before packing up. Still frustrated that his new Pokémon would not obey he walked all the way back.. to head to Vermillion city. When he passed the Cerulean city gym, he suddenly had a thought, if he would trash their leader and get the badge his new Pokémon might obey, he would not fail his first mission and that Pokémon might know more then it would tell now.
As red entered the gym, the man in the white suit looked at him ‘Yo Champ in the making what happe…..’ Red punched the man in the gut who keeled over laying on the ground . ‘I have no time for your preaching old man, I just need to defeat the gym leader. Not even paying heed to the others in the Gym, Red walked straight for the red head. ‘Yo toots you and I battle right now, I am here for your badge, if you refuse me and my friends will trash this place’. Red enjoyed the sensation of showing this bravado, seeing the other trainers cower, but this girl in front of him was different she was brazen and spunky, he would relish defeating her. Misty looked at him, she was kind of fascinated by this boy, his confidence and determination where dare she say it even quite attractive, sure he might be a criminal of team Rocket, but she does like herself a confident man.
An intense battle unfolded , Red’s clever use of his Pidgeotto and the Pikachu he caught in Viridian forest gave him the win. Despite his alignment, the boy still had a bond with his Pokémon that was very strong, they would follow him wherever he may go. Misty felt her heart throbbing in her throat, what was this raw passion, this ferocity and intensity she felt from this boy. ‘Well toots Time for you to cough up your badge’ Red said smirking when he suddenly had a realisation. ‘By the way Toots, I could use a girl like you in my team, need to visit a cruise ship..could use a fine water trainer like yourself along, I bet there are some fancy water Pokémon for you there and you don’t have to hold back either anymore’.
That final line was enough to push Misty over the edge. She DID have to hold back as a gym leader, and her dating life had not been particularly interesting either with those weird experiments going on at her favorite dating spot. This boy proved to her that you do not have to treat Pokémon badly as a Rocket, but that if she joined she could finally chose herself, over her duties. She could finally be selfish. A smile appeared on her face, and a blush as she stared into the boys eyes. He smiled back to her while he reached out a hand to help her off her little podium. As soon as she began reaching he grinned at her and ushered the words “Prepare for trouble”. Misty took Red’s hand allowing him to help her step of the podium, letting him pull her a bit closer then he had intended to, she grinned back and replied. ‘Make it double’

And so comes and end to the first part of this story,As Red and now Misty as well, travel to vermillion city to raid the SS Anne to find Bill, what kind of criminal adventures await them next. How long will Bill be able to resist obeying his new master? Will the box system fall into the hands of Team Rocket or will Blue maybe be able to stop them? Find out on the next part! Don’t be shy to leave a comment or a like! Don’t steal Pokémon in real life, that would be super mean and remember to stay pink my little monsters. Untill we read again.